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Accountants,
Financial and IRS Humor From HR Block files: Dear Sirs: I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours! The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze; Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem. Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!) Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of. You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and make a down payment on an airplane. Yours
Truly, A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper." Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution to the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother replied 'wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee with a V-neck right down to your navel. The man protested, "What does all this have to do with my problem with The IRS?" "No
matter what you wear," explained the rabbi, "you're going to
get screwed." A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated." "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?" The businessman said,
"Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue
Service. Write on the envelope, "Now you have everything." A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help. A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the man carefully takes hold of the kid's balls and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him saying "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before -- it was fantastic - Are you a doctor?" "Oh, good heavens,
no", the man replies "I work for the IRS." A stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them. Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle." "Why would you say that?" replied the broker. "Because you've
made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock
Holmes made in his entire career." There was a man who computed his taxes for 1998 and discovered that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter: Dear IRS: Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.) It has been
a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying
it again next year. An IRS Agent Gets a Heart Transplant A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds. "Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?" "No,"
replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an
IRS agent and want to find a suitable rock." One taxpayer, who worked at a pest control firm listed his occupation as "Hired Killer." An IRS telephone assister was overheard to say, "Sir please watch your language!...Sir, watch your language!...Sir, please!...Reverend, I'm ashamed of you!" In 1987, Congress required that the Social Security numbers of all dependents age five and older be included on the tax return. In that tax year, over 7 million dependents disappeared from tax returns all over the country. Must have been the largest case of mass alien abduction in the history of the world. Along the same line
was the couple who wanted to deduct the cost of their daughter's wedding
as a casualty loss. After all, they reasoned, she really made a terrible
mistake marrying the man she did. Senior Accountant's Secret Revealed There was
once an accounting firm where the senior CPA knew everything there was
to know about accounting. He could answer any question. He knew all the
tax laws: There wasn't a better accountant anywhere. A Young Accountant's First Job Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business. "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." "Excuse me?" the young accountant said. "I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back." "I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?" "I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars" "Eighty-five
thousand dollars!" the young man exclaimed. "How can such a
small business afford a sum like that?" "That," the owner
said, "is your first worry." How to Drive an Accountant Insane Q: How do
you drive an accountant completely insane? INVESTMENTS The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoreman, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living?" The man replied, "I
work for the IRS." The Secret to Wealth Explained A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 PM for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father
died and left us two million dollars." An elderly lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she would like to meet the President of Chase Manhattan Bank. Due to the amount of money involved, the teller seemed to think that that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the President's secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman. The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No," she answered. "Was it from playing the stock market?" he inquired. "No," she replied. He was quiet for some time, trying to think of where this elderly woman could possibly have come up with 3 million dollars. "I bet," she stated. "As in horses?" he asked. "No," she replied. "I bet people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on her bet. He didn't know how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances as there was $25,000 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be his lucky day -- how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing? At 10:00 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked what the other man was doing in the office, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was that much money involved. "Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer!" The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this was a reasonable request considering the amount of money involved and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square. The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer, standing across the room banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he inquired. "Oh, him,"
she answered. "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 o'clock this morning
I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls." A bank officer heard
this explanation for a farmers money troubles: Virginia Woman Indicted on 19 Counts of Tax Fraud Somewhere deep in
the recesses of the Internal Revenue Service, someone must have looked
at Rachel L. Breedlove's tax returns and said: I don't think so! Between
December 1996 and June 1997, Breedlove, 30, is alleged to have filed 19
tax returns, sometimes using the names of her deceased father and brother,
or her three young children or phony names. Breedlove allegedly claimed
in one 1996 return that her 4-year-old daughter earned nearly $9.5 million
and was owed a refund of almost $1.2 million. Breedlove collected refunds
on two of her less sizable returns, totaling $126,614, according to a
19-count indictment handed up by a grand jury in Alexandria last week.
But her other 17 alleged returns did not pass muster and instead led to
her being charged with 19 felony counts of tax fraud. Beer Will Get You Through Times of No Money... On July 26, 2000,
two friends, Jim and John, each got a $1000 bonus at work. They
both work for Cisco Systems, where in the summer of 2000, there was LOTS
of money around for bonuses. An IRS Agent Falls Between the Rails The man in the blue
J.C. Penny's suit had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People
were all crowding around vainly trying to get him out before the train
ran him over. Everyone was shouting, "Give me your hand!" A
History of Teaching Math "Enron
was a company in love with itself. Office affairs were rampant, divorce
among senior executives an epidemic, and stories of couples steaming up
glass-walled offices after late-night meetings were the talk of Houston..." The same
question was asked to three different professions. Once upon
a time, two accountants got married. A Man Lost in a Hot Air Balloon A man takes a balloon
ride at a local country fair. A fierce wind suddenly kicks up, causing
the balloon to violently leave the fair and carry its occupant out into
the countryside. Landing in a farmer's field, the man is left with no
clue how far he has flown or where he has landed. Interesting
Things That Have Been Taxed
An Italian businessman, Uncle Vito, on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated." "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?" Uncle Vito
said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal
Revenue Service and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything, you
greedy pricks'!" In case you were not aware of the new financial terminology: EBITDA (formerly stood for Earnings Before Interest Expenses, Taxes, Depreciation and Amortization) : now stands for Earnings Before I Tricked Dumb Auditor EBIT (Earnings Before Interest and Taxes): Earnings Before Irregularities and Tampering CEO (Chief Executive Officer) : Chief Embezzlement Officer CFO (Chief Financial Officer) : Corporate Fraud Officer NAV (Net Asset Value): Normal Andersen Valuation EPS (Earnings
Per Share): Eventual Prison Sentence An Accountant and an Attorney at a Seminar An accountant was attending a tax seminar in Las Vegas. The lawyer sitting next to him was obviously bored with the presenter, and suggested the two of them slip out to the lobby for a cigar. The accountant replied, "well, thank you for the invite, but I tried smoking cigars once, and I didn't like them...I'll have to pass". A few minutes passed, and the lawyer asked, "this is a very tiresome presentation... how about we slip down to the bar and have a cocktail?" to which the accountant replied, "Oh, I tried drinking once, but I didn't like it very much." Finally,
after about a half hour, the lawyer says, "listen, tonight after
the seminar a couple of us are heading to the tables to do some gambling.
Would you care to join us?" The accountant replied, "you know,
I tried gambling once, but it just didn't appeal to me... but I'll tell
you what. My son is flying in tonight, and he might want to tag along
with you." To which the lawyer said, "your son? let me guess...an
only child?" An accountant
is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
Q: What is
an Accountant? "Accountants
are the jackals of the capitalistic world." One taxpayer, who worked at a pest control firm listed his occupation as "Hired Killer." "When my mother makes out her income tax return every year, under Occupation she writes in, 'Eroding my daughter's self-esteem.'" --Robin Roberts Along the same line was the couple who wanted to deduct the cost of their daughter's wedding as a casualty loss. After all, they reasoned, she really made a terrible mistake marrying the man she did. An IRS telephone assister was overheard to say, "Sir please watch your language!...Sir, watch your language!...Sir, please!...Reverend, I'm ashamed of you!" In 1987, Congress required that the Social Security numbers of all dependents age five and older be included on the tax return. In that tax year, over 7 million dependents disappeared from tax returns all over the country. Must have been the largest case of mass alien abduction in the history of the world. "The trick is to stop thinking of it as 'your' money." -An unidentified Tax Auditor "[The
Internal Revenue Code is] about 10 times the size of the Bible - and unlike
the Bible, contains no good news." "I like
to pay taxes. With them I buy civilization." Q: What is
the definition of a good tax accountant? Q: When does
a person decide to become an accountant? During lunch, an ad for a lending institution came on the television set in our employees' lounge. As the commercial extolled the pleasures of extra money, I remarked that there was no such thing as "extra" money. "Yes,
there is," my supervisor retorted. "It's what you have right
before your car breaks down."
Why Did the Accountant Cross the Road? Here are the top 10 responses: 1. To open
a consulting practice. Cheating on Taxes and Getting Into Heaven Harry died. When he was judged, he was told that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Harry decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven, so off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy. As he was walking along, he saw his friend George up ahead. George was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he had. Harry asked him what was going on, and George replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money - even more than you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. One day Harry, George, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when both could have sworn that they saw their friend Wally up ahead. This man, however, was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, Harry and George asked him how did he managed to get this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women. Wally replied, "I have no idea why, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to have." Then Wally
added, "There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand.
Every time after we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn
income taxes." Miscellaneous Unproductive Time Codes MEMO FROM ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. Thank you, Attached: Extended Job-Code List Code Description 5316 - Useless
Meeting In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what in the hell do you think you're doing?" "Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!" "That's
the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work
for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?" Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's checkbook, Mike made a deal with her; he would look at it, but only after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape. The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, Cindy said proudly, "I've done it! I made it balance!" Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. "Let's see... mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. "It says here ESP, $615. What the heck is that?" "Oh,"
she said, "That means, Error Some Place!" A Stockbroker Receives a Strange Call Thomas Gladstone, a stockbroker, received an urgent phone call one afternoon. "My name is Walters," the caller announced. "About two weeks ago, my wife got a crazy idea and started walking the street, asking me to procure customers for her." "Just a minute," Gladstone protested. "You want Dr. Gladstone the psychiatrist. His name is right below mine in the phone book. Many people dial me by mistake." "No
mistake," came the reply. "I want you to invest all the money
we're making." Thank You for Bouncing my Check This letter
is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The
bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
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