Advertising Amusement

Amusing Classified Ads 11/18/2002
Actual Labels on Consumer Goods
Ads Gone Wrong
(English Translation Faux Pas) 4/19/03
MasterCard Ad take-offs
Rejected Hallmark Cards

Burger King Ad Snafu

English Slogans for Japanese Products
Identifying Advertising Slogans 
IBM's Graffiti Campaign Backfires 
Toyota Ads Anger Black Community 
Taiwan Firm Under Fire For Using Hitler as Pitch-Man 
Beer Ads Playing on Polygamy Unpopular in Utah
Strange Infomercials 
Things You Won't See On Hallmark Cards 
1912  vs. 1992 
Carnation Contest Consolation Prize
Radio Station Sued Over Tattoo Stunt
Soon We'll Have Talking Margarine
Complaining About Deodorant Instructions
Coca-Cola SNAFU
Dogs Spray-Painted in Russian Ad Campaign
Marketing Communications Defined
Advertising Beans on the SuperBowl
Minister of Misinformation Plugging Ryanair
Only in Marin
Wilson's Nails

And here's an amusing book from on advertising:

Q. What's the slogan for the new British tampon?
A. "We may not be number one, but we're still up there!"

Classified Ads

Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers
[from Anguished English by Richard Lederer]
bullet Illiterate? Write today for free help.
bullet Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
bullet Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
bullet Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
bullet Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
bullet Stock up and save. Limit: one.
bullet Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
bullet 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
bullet Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
bullet Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
bullet Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
bullet For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
bullet Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
bullet We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
bullet For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
bullet Great Dames for sale.
bullet Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
bullet Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
bullet Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
bullet Mr. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
bullet Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
bullet Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
bullet For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
bullet Man, honest. Will take anything.
bullet Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.
bullet Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
bullet Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
bullet Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
bullet Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
bullet Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
bullet And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
bullet We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
bullet Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
bullet Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.


The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared
four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the
first day's mistake.

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone
948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday.
It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone
948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received
several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the
classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For
sale -- R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone
948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I
smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone
disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until
yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!

Real Newspaper Advertisements:











1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer




1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15














CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.


















Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45
volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or
best offer. No longer needed. Got married
last weekend. Wife knows everything.






89 cents
















and still more:

BIGFOOT PICTURE Personally Autographed, 8x10, framed, $25


CUTE RABBITS for pets or meat. $7.50 to $10.00 each

Red Anus Cattle

HELP LOST Columbian Boa Constrictor, 
Need expert advice on how to lure pet snake 
out of the dashboard of car.

Lost 12-15 lb ham. It is not yours. I hope you enjoy.

ANTIQUE PORNOGRAPH Victrola console, hand wand, $575.

Teach your child to read in 1200 easy lessons. Works. Good condition, $12.00

Ad found among the miscellaneous listing in the Stanwood/Camano, Washington, News:

"Caution, homeowners between Warm Beach and Stanwood.
Daughter will be learning how to drive. Use caution after
leaving garage or porch. Farmers advised to place hay bales
around barns, farm equipment and slow-moving livestock. She
will be driving white sedan with frightened father aboard."

Anxious to 'include' as many minorities, religions and disabilities as possible, the human resources department of the University of Alberta has put up a Braille poster outside its main office. The poster has been placed inside a display case with a glass front.

"Wanted: Young, skinny, wiry fellows not over 18. Must be excellent riders, willing to risk death daily. Orphans preferred. Wages are $25.00 a week." This is a mid 1800's help wanted sign for the Pony Express.

An actual ad in the London Times.


A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Note:  Please only read lines 1,3 and 5.

The following ad appeared in a newspaper.

SBF (Single Black Female)  Seeks Male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods. Riding in your pickup truck. Hunting Camping Fishing trips. Cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.

Kiss me and I'm yours. Call 555-XXXX and ask for Daisy.

(The phone number was the Humane Society and Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador Retriever.)

Actual Personals Ad:

Abusive, Miserly, Impotent
psychopath with webbed feet
seeks companion to join in
cross-country killing spree.
Must be eager to die in hail of
gunfire. No Weirdos.

Actual Israeli Personals Ads:

Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan. Write. POB 74.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman.

Desperately seeking schmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is OK. POB 64

Attractive Jewish woman, 35,+ college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house.

Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56

Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles. havdalah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.

Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.

Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43

80-year-old bubbie, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object: matrimony. I can dream, can't I?

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me, I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53

Back to the Top

Actual Labels on Consumer Goods

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

Batman Costume:
Warning: Cape does not enable user to fly.

European Camera:
This camera will only work when film is inside.

Liquid Plummer
Warning: Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages.

Toilet Plunger:
Caution: Do not use near power lines.

Little Ones Baby Lotion:
Keep away from children

Hair Coloring:
Do not use as an ice cream topping.

Boot's Children's Cough Medicine
Do not drive a car or run machinery.

Diving Board
All divers must land in water!

Block of Lead (One Ton)
Do not eat or inhale, if so induce vomiting.

Lava Lamp
Do not ingest.

Singing Frog (Christmas Song)
Before inserting batteries.please make sure the following steps or adjustments are made
1)Arms-gently bend arms away from body so they may move easily.make sure to keep arms curved.
2)Insert (2AA Alkaline batteries)or equivalment.All batteries must be fresh and new before installing in the batteries case.
3)Every time pressing the button on left foot of the doll,it will sing the song with mouth moving.
4)Replace with batteries when mouth doesn' t move gently.

Back to the Top

Ads Gone Wrong

bullet Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
bullet Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick".
bullet Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.
bullet The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem-Feeling Free", was translated into the Japanese market as "When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
bullet When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read English.
bullet Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
bullet An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
bullet In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into "Schweppes Toilet Water."
bullet Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave," in Chinese.
bullet Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
bullet When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant".
bullet The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
bullet The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
bullet When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish!
bullet Home-furnishing giant Ikea has apologized for accidentally naming a child's bunk bed "Gutvik". For those of you who don't speak German, the name seems perfectly harmless. However, people familiar with the language won't be buying a bed for their child with a name that means "good f---". The company claims it was named after a tiny town in Sweden.

Back to the Top

MasterCard Ads

Trenchcoat: $219.
Automatic Rifle: $2000.
Ski Mask: $12. Ammo: $110.
The look on your classmate's faces: Priceless.

Short Black Dress: $200.
Round of Drinks: $40.
Disposable Camera: $20.
Your Beaver on the Internet: Priceless MasterCard.jpg (50Kb)

Two tickets for you and your son to an NBA game: $120.
Jersey of the team's star player for your son: $75.
Having the image of you picking your nose and eating your boogers sent all over the Internet: Priceless  Priceless.exe (1.08 meg shockwave)

American Flag: $25
Gasoline: $2
Cigarette Lighter: $2.50
Catching yourself on fire because you are a terrorist asshole: Priceless terrorist_priceless.jpg (79Kb)

Cover charge: $15.00
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Couch dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private dance and hotel room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to discuss your feelings............Priceless.

Back to the Top

Rejected Hallmark Cards

So your daughter's a hooker
and it spoiled your day..
Look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.

My tire was thumping
I thought it was flat
when I looked at the tire
I noticed your cat.....Sorry!

You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

You've announced that you're gay
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy!

Heard your wife left you
How upset you must be
But don't fret about it
She moved in with me.

Your computer is dead
It was once so alive
Don't you regret installing
Windows 95?

You totaled your car
and can't remember why
could it have been
the case of Bud Dry?

Saw something today
that reminded me of you
As a matter of fact it was
The shit on my shoe.

So you're taking Viagra
So you can please me
What you need is an implant
Since your inch size is Three.

Back to the Top

Burger King Ad Snafu

The Council on American-Islamic Relations has sent a letter of protest, prompting the re-write of a Burger King radio spot. The most recent bit of advertising wizardry has a gentleman named Rashid extolling the mouth-watering virtues of the bacon-cheddar Whopper. The problem? Rashid is a holy, Muslim name. Muslims are forbidden from eating any bacon or pork.
Back to the Top

English Slogans for Japanese Products

1. "Whenever and everywhere, we can meet our best friend - nature. Take a grip of steering!"
-- Nissan SUV

2. "When I think about the life in my own way, I need gentle conversations."
-- Happy Bun Bun Candy

3. "We introduce you to the 'Zokki Support System' Sabrina. She'll be one your closest friends, and this one will last. Slip on. You feel it. Watch out when you step out with Sabrina.
-- Sabrina Panty Hose

4. "This product is made from real duck down. Duck do wear the light and warm duck down."
-- Down Jacket Aburaysia

5. "Moistens your body rapidly and softens your soul gently. Postonic is life us all."
-- Postonic Bottled Water

6. "with tasty aroma for refined adults."
-- Wonda Coffee

7. "Relieve the relief and listen to the angel's whisper."
-- Angel Relief Chocolate and Biscuit.

8. "For those who do not have enough time to brush their teeth."
-- No Time Chewing Gum
Back to the Top

Identifying Advertising Slogans

A professor was giving a lecture on company slogans in a college advertising and marketing class.

"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'Come fly the friendly skies'?"

"United." Joe answered.

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"

Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

"Now John, Tell me which company uses the slogan, 'Just do it'?"

And John answered, "Mom."
Back to the Top

IBM's Graffiti Campaign Backfires

IBM may have to pay thousands of dollars in fines and restitution for graffiti spray-painted on Chicago sidewalks in a multimillion-dollar ad campaign. As part of the promotion softball-size peace symbols, hearts and penguins appeared on sidewalks in roughly 100 locations, angering local businesses. The advertising company apparently hired 20-year-old Ali Morsy to run around the city in the middle of the night with a paint can and stencil the images in strategic locations. Debbie DeLopez, who runs the city's graffiti-removal program, said, "It's surprising that a reputable company did something like this." IBM has also run into similar graffiti problems in San Francisco.
Back to the Top

Toyota Ads Anger Black Community

Toyota is taking heat from Jesse Jackson and the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition because of an ad featuring a close-up of an African-American man with a wide smile and a gold image of Toyota's RAV4 SUV on his front tooth. Toyota said the ad was intended to appeal to a "youthful, hip audience through an edgy style statement." But Jackson said the ad was offensive and insensitive, and called for a boycott of Toyota dealerships. Last year, the same ad agency angered some African-Americans when it ran an ad in black publications that said, "Unlike your boyfriend, Toyota gets up every morning." Those ads were canceled.
Back to the Top

Dutch Phone Company Giving Out Sex Toys

NETHERLANDS - Instead of reaching out to "touch someone," a Dutch telephone dealership in encouraging customers to touch themselves. When a person orders a subscription to telephone company KPN with Tring, they are reportedly given a free Nokia phone and a sex toy. Both Nokia and KPN are said to be disgusted with the promotion and are encouraging Tring to drop the deal.
Back to the Top

Taiwan Firm Under Fire For Using Hitler as Pitch-Man

TAIPEI - A Taiwanese company that sells German-made electric space heaters has come under considerable criticism for an ad campaign featuring Adolf Hitler. The 6-foot-tall posters show a smiling caricature of the Nazi leader in a khaki uniform and black jackboots, his right arm raised high in a salute. Above him is a white space heater and the slogan "Declare war on the cold front!" The Hitler figure wears a red band around his left arm with a white circle bearing the name of the heater's manufacturer. "We decided to use Hitler because as soon as you see him, you think of Germany," Yu-shan Shen, of the K.E. and Kingstone trading firm, said. The ads have since been abandoned due to negative feedback.
Back to the Top

Beer Ads Playing on Polygamy Unpopular in Utah

UTAH - Polygamy used to be legal in Utah, and civic leaders apparently don't want to be reminded of it. Wasatch Beer is facing a boycott over their ad campaign that makes comical reference to the state's former marriage sanction. Slogans for beer include "Why have just one?" and "Take some home for your wives." The beer company insists the ad campaign is all in good fun, but civic leaders disagree. In fact, two local billboard companies believe the slogans are offensive and refuse to display the ads. Also, the Utah Alcoholic Beverage Control Commission tried to hinder the campaign by banning ads with religious themes or symbols. The owner of Wasatch Beer, Greg Schirf, thinks they are all taking the ads too seriously: "They're being thick-headed. With everyone watching because of the Winter Olympics, they don't seem to realize they are drawing more attention to themselves. I couldn't pay for this kind of publicity."
Back to the Top

Strange Infomercials
From the Ridiculous Infomercial Review Page

REJUVENIQUE: Want to tighten your facial muscles without the hassle of plastic surgery? Hosted by Linda Evans, this infomercial offers a plastic mask hooked up to a 9-volt battery as a fantastic way to exercise your face.

NAD'S: From Australia comes green goo that removes body hair. See it applied to all parts of the body. Features the first infomercial testimonial from a bearded lady.

CRIME IN AMERICA: Sheer terror helps sell the Myotron Pulse Wave, a glorified stun-gun. Crime statistics and grisly reenactments of rape, muggings, and murder aim to frighten the viewers into buying. Lame dramatizations with horrible acting show the Myotron in action.

AROMATRIM: Get your nose to lose weight for you. Just stick AromaTrim under your nostrils and let it alter your brain chemistry. It's painless! See the infomercial that isn't afraid to blindfold and mock its volunteers.

PODER SEXUAL: Think Latino TV isn't doing enough to stimulate its audience? This pre-Viagra Spanish infomercial peddles a "100% Natural" aphrodisiac. Dramatizations prove Poder Sexual can both salvage your love life and prevent suicide.
Back to the Top

Things You Won't See On Hallmark Cards

OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
INSIDE:    That you're not here to ruin it for me.

OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas...
INSIDE:    I hope it's your sister.

OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE:  After having met you, I've changed my mind.

OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
INSIDE:  I never believed in hell 'til I met you.

OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
INSIDE:  What the fuck was I thinking?

OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected.
INSIDE:  And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.

OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs:
INSIDE:  Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.

OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE:  Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
OUTSIDE: The holidays are a great time to be with family.
INSIDE:  Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!

OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you...
INSIDE:  It's almost like you're here.

OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE:  Buy a dog.

OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?

Back to the Top

1912  vs. 1992

Ernest Shackleton's recruiting advertisement for his 1912 Imperial Trans-Antarctic Expedition:

"Men wanted for hazardous journey. Small wages, bitter cold, long months of complete darkness, constant danger, safe return doubtful. Honour and recognition in case of success."

If Shackleton were advertising in the 1990's:

"Members wanted for adventure trek. Low cost, cool sights, lots fun nights, thrills galore, insurance available. Get your picture in Outside magazine."
Back to the Top

Carnation Contest Consolation Prize

A lady had been married to a farmer all her life. They had cows and horses on their farm and also grew a number of crops for sale at the local farmers market.

While shopping at the local grocery store for a few items that she and her husband did not raise or grow for themselves she came across a contest form.  She completed the jingle asked for on the form and mailed it to the Carnation Milk Company in an effort to win a cash prize which had been offered for the best entry regarding those little cans of milk found on the grocery shelves.

Carnation had furnished the first line of the jingle with these words, "I like Carnation best of all...." and the submitter had only to complete the remainder of the jingle on their entry form. Each contestant could only use 50 words or fewer.

A couple of months later, the woman was surprised when a Carnation Milk representative came to her door and told her that her entry was the best one submitted.  However, it was unfortunate that the company could not publish it.  In lieu of that latter fact, they had decided that her entry was worth at least a consolation award and provided her with a company check in the amount of $1,000 for her creativity.

Here was her entry -

I like Carnation best of all,
No tits to pull, no shit to haul,
No barns to clean, no hay to pitch,
Just punch a hole in the son of a bitch.
Back to the Top

Radio Station Sued Over Tattoo Stunt

ILLINOIS - Music enthusiasts Richard Goddard Jr. and David Winkleman were excited when they heard about their favorite radio station's new contest. According to them, 93.5 KORB promised an array of goodies to anyone with a tattoo of their station's logo. The rewards included $30,000 a year for five years, concert tickets, and backstage passes. To win the contest, the two had the logo tattooed onto their forehead, but have yet to collect on the allegedly promised goods. Winkleman claims he was fired from his job because of the new marking, and both insist they are unable to find jobs now because of the tattoos. Thus, they are suing the radio station for breach of contract, fraud and negligence. In its defense, the radio station says the contest was a practical joke aimed at those who were greedy and stupid enough to go through with the tattoo.
Back to the Top

Soon We'll Have Talking Margarine

UNITED STATES - The unsuspecting grocery shopper is in for a bit of a surprise soon at American stores. In an effort to gain the consumer's attention, a motion-sensor chip will trigger a digital sound device as he or she passes Parkay margarine. The device will shout, "Butter!" But that's not all, folks. In addition to the attention-grabbing holler, another chip will make the tubs of margarine jiggle about. A Parkay spokesperson explains its logic: most shoppers have a "get in and get out" mentality. The shouting and wiggling tubs of margarine will no doubt make them pause for a minute. And that momentary pause might be enough to sway the consumer to make an impulse buy. The spokesperson called the new device "a major in-store piece of theatre."
Back to the Top

Complaining About Deodorant Instructions

I wish to complain - the instructions on your deodorant were very misleading. I followed your instructions on a stick of deodorant to the letter: 'Take Off Top, Push Up Bottom', and was left semi-naked in a not inconsiderable amount of pain. And it didn't help my perspiring.

Now I understand my error, but it's time that the writers of these instructions take responsibility for the resulting actions. The slogan on the front - 'Sure Wont Let You Down', was correct, I was unable to sit down all morning.
Back to the Top

Coca-Cola SNAFU

Coca-Cola made a rather embarrassing mistake when printing the word 'disk' in the copyright information on about 2 million 12-packs of the drink. In the misprint, the 's' is replaced by a 'c.' The error appeared on boxes of Olympic promotional packages of Coca-Cola Classic distributed in the Atlanta area in 1996. Normally, the small type under the copyright info states that the "red disk icon and contour bottle are trademarks of the Coca-Cola Co." A representative was quick to claim that, "It was an innocent mistake."
Back to the Top

Dogs Spray-Painted in Russian Ad Campaign

PENZA, Russia - As competition between rival stores in Penza escalates, Russian shop owners have found a new way to advertise. With the use of sausages and cutlets, workers are luring stray dogs into their shops and spray-painting them with their store's logo. In order to turn a profit, homeless canines are being turned into walking billboards promoting store icons and the items they sell. The marketing battle has become so intense that layers of paint are accumulating on dogs as shop owners paint over other logos and replace them with theirs.
Back to the Top

Marketing Communications Defined

Over the years, people have often asked me to explain the various concepts of Marketing Communications. The following analogies might help clarify the "tools of the trade."

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." -- That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." -- That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. -- That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. -- That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" -- That's Spam
Back to the Top

Advertising Beans on the SuperBowl

A local bean farmer was blessed with a wonderful crop this fall. In fact he had so many beans, he needed to unload them somehow. With all the hoopla about the upcoming Super Bowl, he decided that would be a good venue to reach more people. With this in mind he went to the local TV station to speak with the advertising manager.

The farmer said, "I would like to purchase a minute or two during the Super Bowl to advertise my wonderful beans. I have such a bountiful crop of beans of all kinds; pinto beans, lima beans, navy beans, red beans..."

The sales manager said, "Okay, okay, I get the message. And what would you be able to pay for this amount of prime advertising time?"

The farmer scratched his beard, looked off, then said, very solemnly, "I'd be willing to go as high as $300 to reach those folks."

"$300!" the manager yelled, "You must be out of your mind! The current sponsors pay through the nose to get the exposure of the Super Bowl! The makers of Kotex pay MILLIONS of dollars to reach the audience!"

The farmer very evenly replied, "I'm sure that's right. But those people are out for blood. I'm just farting around."
Back to the Top

Minister of Misinformation Plugging Ryanair

ENGLAND - British Ryanair airline has decided to use the image of Iraq's notorious misinformant Mohammed Saeed Sahaf in its latest ads to compete with rival airline Easyjet. Noting how Sahaf made outrageous claims repeatedly during the war that Iraq was defeating the U.S. and U.K. forces, he now appears in a Ryanair ad claiming that Easyjet has the lowest airfares. Some find the spot humorous, while others feel it crosses the line and is not sensitive to the emotions of the general public. Easyjet certainly didn't find it funny.
Back to the Top

Only in Marin
(if I have to explain you wouldn't understand)

Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.'

Another item from the Travelers? No. From the police reports? No.

It was a Marin County, Calif., newspaper's TV listing for 'The Wizard of Oz'
Back to the Top

Wilson's Nails

Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Wilson's Nails.

"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."

A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin "Use Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything."

Wilson goes mad shouting: "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on TV. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!"

Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says 'Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything'.

Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand: I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."

A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to camera and says 'If only we had used Wilson's Nails!'.



Back to the Top