The
following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared MONDAY:
For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone TUESDAY
Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. WEDNESDAY
Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received THURSDAY
Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I Real Newspaper Advertisements: FREE YORKSHIRE
TERRIER. ---------------------------------- FREE PUPPIES: ------------------------------ FREE PUPPIES... ------------------------------ GERMAN SHEPHERD
85 lbs. ------------------------------------- FOUND: DIRTY
WHITE DOG. ----------------------------------- 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer ---------------------------- SNOW BLOWER
FOR SALE... ------------------------------- 2 WIRE MESH
BUTCHERING GLOVES: ------------------------------ TICKLE ME
ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS ------------------------------ COWS, CALVES
NEVER BRED -------------------------------- NORDIC TRACK
$300 ------------------------------------- BILL'S SEPTIC
CLEANING -------------------------------------- SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS -------------------------------------- HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB ----------------------------------------- GEORGIA PEACHES ------------------------------------------ NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE ------------------------------------------- TIRED OF
WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? --------------------------------------------- EXERCISE
EQUIPMENT: --------------------------------------------- OUR SOFA
SEATS THE WHOLE MOB ----------------------------------------------- JOINING NUDIST
COLONY! ---------------------------------------------- LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY. ---------------------------------------------- ALZHEIMER'S
CENTER PREPARES -------------------------------------------- OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON -------------------------------------- FOR SALE
BY OWNER: -------------------------------------- AMANA WASHER
$100. -------------------------------------- 83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000 -------------------------------------- SOFT &
GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE -------------------------------------- HUMMELS -
LARGEST SELECTION EVER -------------------------------------- GET A LITTLE
JOHN: -------------------------------------- FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT. -------------------------------------- AMERICAN
FLAG -------------------------------------- NOTICE: -------------------------------------- KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box -------------------------------------- FULLY COOKED
BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb. -------------------------------------- and still more: BIGFOOT PICTURE Personally Autographed, 8x10, framed, $25 HOOKER ON PHONICS $150. DAys 9-6 CUTE RABBITS for pets or meat. $7.50 to $10.00 each Red Anus Cattle HELP LOST
Columbian Boa Constrictor, Lost 12-15 lb ham. It is not yours. I hope you enjoy. ANTIQUE PORNOGRAPH Victrola console, hand wand, $575. Teach your child to read in 1200 easy lessons. Works. Good condition, $12.00 Ad
found among the miscellaneous listing in the Stanwood/Camano, Washington,
News: Anxious to 'include' as many minorities, religions and disabilities as possible, the human resources department of the University of Alberta has put up a Braille poster outside its main office. The poster has been placed inside a display case with a glass front. "Wanted: Young, skinny, wiry fellows not over 18. Must be excellent riders, willing to risk death daily. Orphans preferred. Wages are $25.00 a week." This is a mid 1800's help wanted sign for the Pony Express.An actual ad in the London Times. WANTED: A tall well-built woman with good reputation, who can cook frogs legs, who appreciates a good fuc- schia garden, classic music and tal- king without getting too serious. Note: Please only read lines 1,3 and 5. Actual Personals Ad: Abusive, Miserly, Impotent Actual Israeli Personals Ads: Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan. Write. POB 74. Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. Desperately seeking schmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is OK. POB 64 Attractive Jewish woman, 35,+ college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658 Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56 Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435 Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles. havdalah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43 80-year-old bubbie, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object: matrimony. I can dream, can't I? I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me, I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. Jewish male,
34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose
father will hire me. POB 53 Actual
Labels on Consumer Goods
Batman Costume: European Camera: Liquid Plummer Toilet Plunger: Little Ones Baby
Lotion: Hair Coloring: Boot's Children's
Cough Medicine Diving Board Singing Frog (Christmas
Song)
Trenchcoat:
$219. Short Black
Dress: $200. Two
tickets for you and your son to an NBA game: $120. American
Flag: $25 Cover
charge: $15.00 So
your daughter's a hooker My
tire was thumping You
had your bladder removed You've
announced that you're gay Happy
Vasectomy! Heard
your wife left you Your
computer is dead You
totaled your car Saw
something today So
you're taking Viagra The Council on American-Islamic
Relations has sent a letter of protest, prompting the re-write of a Burger
King radio spot. The most recent bit of advertising wizardry has a gentleman
named Rashid extolling the mouth-watering virtues of the bacon-cheddar
Whopper. The problem? Rashid is a holy, Muslim name. Muslims are forbidden
from eating any bacon or pork. English Slogans for Japanese Products 1. "Whenever
and everywhere, we can meet our best friend - nature. Take a grip of steering!" 2. "When I think
about the life in my own way, I need gentle conversations." 3. "We introduce
you to the 'Zokki Support System' Sabrina. She'll be one your closest
friends, and this one will last. Slip on. You feel it. Watch out when
you step out with Sabrina. 4. "This product
is made from real duck down. Duck do wear the light and warm duck down." 5. "Moistens
your body rapidly and softens your soul gently. Postonic is life us all." 6. "with tasty
aroma for refined adults." 7. "Relieve
the relief and listen to the angel's whisper." 8. "For those
who do not have enough time to brush their teeth." Identifying Advertising Slogans A professor was giving
a lecture on company slogans in a college advertising and marketing class. IBM's Graffiti Campaign Backfires IBM may have to pay
thousands of dollars in fines and restitution for graffiti spray-painted
on Chicago sidewalks in a multimillion-dollar ad campaign. As part of
the promotion softball-size peace symbols, hearts and penguins appeared
on sidewalks in roughly 100 locations, angering local businesses. The
advertising company apparently hired 20-year-old Ali Morsy to run around
the city in the middle of the night with a paint can and stencil the images
in strategic locations. Debbie DeLopez, who runs the city's graffiti-removal
program, said, "It's surprising that a reputable company did something
like this." IBM has also run into similar graffiti problems in San
Francisco. Toyota Ads Anger Black Community Toyota is taking
heat from Jesse Jackson and the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition because of an ad
featuring a close-up of an African-American man with a wide smile and
a gold image of Toyota's RAV4 SUV on his front tooth. Toyota said the
ad was intended to appeal to a "youthful, hip audience through an
edgy style statement." But Jackson said the ad was offensive and
insensitive, and called for a boycott of Toyota dealerships. Last year,
the same ad agency angered some African-Americans when it ran an ad in
black publications that said, "Unlike your boyfriend, Toyota gets
up every morning." Those ads were canceled.
Dutch Phone Company Giving Out Sex Toys
Taiwan Firm Under Fire For Using Hitler
as Pitch-Man Beer Ads Playing on Polygamy Unpopular in Utah UTAH - Polygamy used
to be legal in Utah, and civic leaders apparently don't want to be reminded
of it. Wasatch Beer is facing a boycott over their ad campaign that makes
comical reference to the state's former marriage sanction. Slogans for
beer include "Why have just one?" and "Take some home for
your wives." The beer company insists the ad campaign is all in good
fun, but civic leaders disagree. In fact, two local billboard companies
believe the slogans are offensive and refuse to display the ads. Also,
the Utah Alcoholic Beverage Control Commission tried to hinder the campaign
by banning ads with religious themes or symbols. The owner of Wasatch
Beer, Greg Schirf, thinks they are all taking the ads too seriously: "They're
being thick-headed. With everyone watching because of the Winter Olympics,
they don't seem to realize they are drawing more attention to themselves.
I couldn't pay for this kind of publicity."
Strange Infomercials
Things
You Won't See On Hallmark Cards Ernest Shackleton's
recruiting advertisement for his 1912 Imperial Trans-Antarctic Expedition: Carnation Contest Consolation Prize A lady had
been married to a farmer all her life. They had cows and horses on their
farm and also grew a number of crops for sale at the local farmers market. Radio Station Sued Over Tattoo Stunt ILLINOIS
- Music enthusiasts Richard Goddard Jr. and David Winkleman were excited
when they heard about their favorite radio station's new contest. According
to them, 93.5 KORB promised an array of goodies to anyone with a tattoo
of their station's logo. The rewards included $30,000 a year for five
years, concert tickets, and backstage passes. To win the contest, the
two had the logo tattooed onto their forehead, but have yet to collect
on the allegedly promised goods. Winkleman claims he was fired from his
job because of the new marking, and both insist they are unable to find
jobs now because of the tattoos. Thus, they are suing the radio station
for breach of contract, fraud and negligence. In its defense, the radio
station says the contest was a practical joke aimed at those who were
greedy and stupid enough to go through with the tattoo. Soon We'll Have Talking Margarine UNITED STATES
- The unsuspecting grocery shopper is in for a bit of a surprise soon
at American stores. In an effort to gain the consumer's attention, a motion-sensor
chip will trigger a digital sound device as he or she passes Parkay margarine.
The device will shout, "Butter!" But that's not all, folks.
In addition to the attention-grabbing holler, another chip will make the
tubs of margarine jiggle about. A Parkay spokesperson explains its logic:
most shoppers have a "get in and get out" mentality. The shouting
and wiggling tubs of margarine will no doubt make them pause for a minute.
And that momentary pause might be enough to sway the consumer to make
an impulse buy. The spokesperson called the new device "a major in-store
piece of theatre." Complaining About Deodorant Instructions I wish to complain - the instructions on your deodorant were very misleading. I followed your instructions on a stick of deodorant to the letter: 'Take Off Top, Push Up Bottom', and was left semi-naked in a not inconsiderable amount of pain. And it didn't help my perspiring. Now I understand
my error, but it's time that the writers of these instructions take responsibility
for the resulting actions. The slogan on the front - 'Sure Wont Let You
Down', was correct, I was unable to sit down all morning. Coca-Cola
made a rather embarrassing mistake when printing the word 'disk' in the
copyright information on about 2 million 12-packs of the drink. In the
misprint, the 's' is replaced by a 'c.' The error appeared on boxes of
Olympic promotional packages of Coca-Cola Classic distributed in the Atlanta
area in 1996. Normally, the small type under the copyright info states
that the "red disk icon and contour bottle are trademarks of the
Coca-Cola Co." A representative was quick to claim that, "It
was an innocent mistake." Dogs Spray-Painted in Russian Ad Campaign PENZA, Russia
- As competition between rival stores in Penza escalates, Russian shop
owners have found a new way to advertise. With the use of sausages and
cutlets, workers are luring stray dogs into their shops and spray-painting
them with their store's logo. In order to turn a profit, homeless canines
are being turned into walking billboards promoting store icons and the
items they sell. The marketing battle has become so intense that layers
of paint are accumulating on dogs as shop owners paint over other logos
and replace them with theirs. Marketing Communications Defined Over the years, people have often asked me to explain the various concepts of Marketing Communications. The following analogies might help clarify the "tools of the trade." You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." -- That's Advertising. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." -- That's Brand Recognition. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. -- That's a Sales Rep. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. -- That's Tech Support. You're on
your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men
in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one
situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm
fantastic in bed!" -- That's Spam Advertising Beans on the SuperBowl A local bean farmer was blessed with a wonderful crop this fall. In fact he had so many beans, he needed to unload them somehow. With all the hoopla about the upcoming Super Bowl, he decided that would be a good venue to reach more people. With this in mind he went to the local TV station to speak with the advertising manager. The farmer
said, "I would like to purchase a minute or two during the Super
Bowl to advertise my wonderful beans. I have such a bountiful crop of
beans of all kinds; pinto beans, lima beans, navy beans, red beans..." The farmer scratched his beard, looked off, then said, very solemnly, "I'd be willing to go as high as $300 to reach those folks." "$300!" the manager yelled, "You must be out of your mind! The current sponsors pay through the nose to get the exposure of the Super Bowl! The makers of Kotex pay MILLIONS of dollars to reach the audience!" The farmer
very evenly replied, "I'm sure that's right. But those people are
out for blood. I'm just farting around." Minister of Misinformation Plugging Ryanair ENGLAND -
British Ryanair airline has decided to use the image of Iraq's notorious
misinformant Mohammed Saeed Sahaf in its latest ads to compete with rival
airline Easyjet. Noting how Sahaf made outrageous claims repeatedly during
the war that Iraq was defeating the U.S. and U.K. forces, he now appears
in a Ryanair ad claiming that Easyjet has the lowest airfares. Some find
the spot humorous, while others feel it crosses the line and is not sensitive
to the emotions of the general public. Easyjet certainly didn't find it
funny. Only
in Marin Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.' Another item from the Travelers? No. From the police reports? No. It was a
Marin County, Calif., newspaper's TV listing for 'The Wizard of Oz' Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Wilson's Nails. "Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape." A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin "Use Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything." Wilson goes mad shouting: "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on TV. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!" Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says 'Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything'. Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand: I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast." A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to camera and says 'If only we had used Wilson's Nails!'.
|
