runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet
rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on
the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after
a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man,
clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
-- by Edgar Allen Poe's Cat
from Poetry for Cats by Henry Beard
On a night
quite unenchanting, when the rain was downward slanting,
the rug I treaded, calm and careful as I headed
Raven never fluttered, standing stock-still as he uttered,
dirge the birdbrain kept up, oh, so silently I crept up,
my pickled poet cried out, "Pussycat, it's time I dried out!
Once upon a time there was a little yellow toad crying in the forest. The Good Witch came along and asked the little yellow toad, 'Why are you crying, my friend?' The little yellow toad said, 'All my friends are green and I'm yellow. I want to be green like all my friends...sniff, sniff.' The Good Witch replied, 'No problem!' And she tapped the little yellow toad with her magic wand and the little yellow toad turned green...all except his private parts, which remained yellow. 'Oh no!!' exclaimed the little toad, 'I can't go through life all green except for my private parts! You have to make me green all over!' The Good Witch said, 'Sorry, I don't do private parts. You will have to go see the Wizard!' So, off the little toad went to see the Wizard.
Good Witch continued on into the forest where she came upon a little brown
squirrel crying very hard. 'Why are you crying, little brown squirrel?'
the Good Witch asked. 'Because,' said the little brown squirrel, 'all
my friends are red and I want to be red, too...sniff, sniff.' 'No problem!'
said the Good Witch. And she tapped the little brown squirrel and turned
him red... all except his private parts, which remained brown. 'Oh, no!!'
exclaimed the little squirrel, 'I can't go through life all red except
my private parts! You have to make me red all over!' But the Good Witch
said, 'Sorry, I don't do private parts. You will have to go see the Wizard!'
But the little squirrel started crying harder and said, 'But I'm new around
here! I don't know the Wizard! How will I find him??' And the Good Witch
said, 'Oh, that's easy! Just follow the yellow prick toad....'
Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five years before. Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales." The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly.
Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or in lifeboats. Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells "They're going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!"
then, the female whale becomes less cooperative: "Look", she
says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing
goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "Ok, old
fellow, time to retire."
penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure
light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor.
He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when all of a sudden a fairy godmother appears in front of her and grants her 3 wishes.
"Well now" says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich" ****poof*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "and gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." ***poof*** she turns into a beautiful young woman. "your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ****poof**** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possible imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. with a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:
you're sorry you had me neutered."
Bathing As A Martial Art
Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.
I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."
When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:
-- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
-- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
-- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.
-- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)
-- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
-- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
at least now he smells a lot better.
Instructions for Giving your Cat a Pill
do what they want.
Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run
A man was driving along the highway and saw a large rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, it was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying at the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked him what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead creature and sprayed the contents of the can onto it. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around and again waved at the two humans.
man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in
the woman's spray can! He ran over to her and demanded, "What was
in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman
turned the can around so he could read the label. It said: "Acme
Hair Spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
Two snakes were out for a slither when one turns to the other and asks, "Are we poisonous?"
"Why yes we are," says the second.
Again the first snake asks, "Are we really poisonous?"
"Yes we are really poisonous. In fact we're the most poisonous snakes in the world. Why do you ask?"
"I just bit my
One day six wise, blind elephants were discussing what humans were like. Failing to agree, they decided to determine what humans were like by direct experience.
The first wise, blind elephant felt the human, and declared, "Humans are flat."
The other wise, blind
elephants, after similarly feeling the human, agreed.
An electric eel was becoming very depressed, and his keeper asked if there was anything he could do. "Well, it's getting a little lonely in here," said the eel.
So the next day the keeper dropped a female eel into the tank, but after swimming around a bit the male was just as depressed.
"What's the matter now," asked the keeper.
The eel gestured to
his new tank mate and in a tone of resignation said, "DC."
A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a single bat STANDING upright underneath on the floor of the cave. Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow: "What the hell are you doing down there?"
And the fellow
shouts back: "Yoga!"
I Think My Dog Killed Your Dog
A man went to a pub with his Great Dane and when he arrived, he tied the dog up outside and went in to have a beer.
A few minutes later, another fellow walked in and said, "Is that your dog outside?"
"Yes. What of it?" said the first man.
"I'm sorry, but I think my dog may have killed him."
"What kind of dog you got that can kill a Great Dane?" said the first man stunned.
"Well, he's a Chihuahua."
"Ha! How can a Chihuahua kill a Great Dane?"
he may have gotten stuck in his throat." said the second man.
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. However, the next morning the kangaroo was out again, just roaming around the zoo. The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to twenty feet. Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo was again roaming around the zoo. This kept on, night after night, until the fence was sixty feet high.
Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo replied,
"Probably a hundred feet, unless somebody starts locking the gate
A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a gin......................... and tonic."
The Bartender says, "What's with the big pause?"
The bear says, "I
don't know. My father had them, too!"
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.
He opened his own
offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary
Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!"
Two cows are standing in a barn.
First cow says, "I'm a bit concerned about this mad cow disease that's going around."
Second cow replies,
"I'm not worried, it doesn't affect penguins."
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.
Cat did not care one way or the other.
He can dish it out, but he can't take it
A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.
A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rots ass, and the action immediately stopped.
The lady was amazed. "How did you do that?" she asked.
boy said, "That's my dog! He can dish it out, but he can't take it!"
Little Tim Buries His Goldfish
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the
last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your
Vampire Bat Covered in Fresh Blood
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted in hassling him to no end until finally he gave in.
"OK!" he said with exasperation, "Follow me." and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.
"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Randy took off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that this expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh,
they're getting closer ..."
"Listen up!" Noah said in a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males, take off your peckers and hand it to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your peckers back."
After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said. "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out the window. "Sorry, no land yet." "Shit!" and out went Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day for a week until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?"
said Mr. Rabbit with a sinister look on his face as he held out a piece
of, paper, "I GOT THE DONKEY'S RECEIPT!!"
A Chihuahua as a Seeing Eye Dog?
Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman Pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."
The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us. "The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."
They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman Pinscher? "The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good. The bouncer said, "Okay, come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figured what the heck, so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in, although he knew his story would be less believable.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with
the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? You mean, they gave me a fucking
A Schnauzer With Long Eyelashes
This lady's dog, a schnauzer, has the world's bushiest eyebrows, so he's constantly bumping into trees, beer trucks, you name it. She takes him into the vet to get the hair trimmed out of his eyes so he can see where he's going.
The vet tells her that trimming a dog's eyebrows isn't a job for a doctor of veterinary medicine; she should do it herself, take the schnauzer to a dog trimmer, or perhaps use hair remover to do a more permanent job. So, she goes into the drug store and asks the pharmacist for some hair remover.
He says, "This is our best depilatory. Use it full strength on legs and half strength on underarms."
She says, "But it's for my schnauzer."
"Then use it
quarter-strength and don't ride a bicycle for two weeks."
A Monkey at the Scene of an Accident
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
The monkey motioned "kissing."
"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
motioned the monkey.
Real Three Bears Story
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear
who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It
was Mummy Bear who set the table. It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out,
cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish. And
now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence....listen
good because I'm only going to say this one more time.......
Horny Gorilla Humps King of the Jungle
A large gorilla was
roaming through the jungle. He was extremely horny. Peering through the
brush he saw a big old male lion sleeping on a knoll. Rushing forward
he seized the lion, and before the lion could respond the gorilla had
his way with him. He pushed the lion away and went off running and laughing
through the forest.
A Young Polar Bear Questions His Lineage
One day a very young
polar bear was sitting on an ice drift, watching his father trying to
catch fish, when he asked, "Dad, am I a full-blooded polar bear?"
was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside
of a farm house out in the country.
Mad Cow Disease Doesn't Affect Us Ducks
were chatting over the fence between their fields.
Tips for the Puppy:
Mouse Has Dr. Snooker Trained...
Creatures on Drugs
A Slug is Mugged in the Forest
A slug in
the forest had spent all day gathering berries and was making his way
home when he was mugged by a gang of snails. They knocked him down, knocked
him out and made off with all his berries.
to Bathe the Cat
A Butcher and a Very Smart Dog
As a butcher
is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth,
reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
You Should Take Those Penguins to the Zoo
A man drives to a gas station and fills up his tank. The curious clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat. So, he asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man says,
"I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but so far, I
haven't a clue."
I Think it's Time to Tell Him He's Adopted
a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort
he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed
to the ground.
A guy walks
into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here
with that dog!"
THE COW - At his Tuscany farm in 1986, Bruno Cipriano's pet cow, Carletta,
saved him from being gored by a boar when she charged at the beast and
butted it with her
Collie saved his owner, Ian Elliot, when he was chopping down trees on
his Canadian farm and a pine tree crashed on to him breaking his back.
Bracken lay across him to maintain his body temperature. When Bracken
heard voices in the distance, he ran to the men and led them back to his
A wild dog
is running through the jungle. While wandering about he notices a leopard
heading in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The dog thinks,
"Boy, I'm in deep trouble now."
His Dog Attacks Anything That Moves
An old man
had a dog he just loved but the dog had the bad habit of attacking anything
that moved including people. His friends told him that if he had the dog
fixed he would lose his aggressions and quit this behavior.
were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first
Have the Darndest Thoughts
Shopping for Two Yellow Canaries
A lady went to a pet shop.
"I'd like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner.
"We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner said, as he showed the lady some pale green parakeets.
"That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated.
But the pet
store owner refused to give up. He said, "Just think of them as yellow
canaries that aren't quite ripe yet."
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling,
he wouldn't even try."
I'm Going to Have to Put Him Down
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
because he's really heavy."
They Only Told Me it Was a Wild Animal
My little girl loves animals, but one day she was bitten by a small field mouse she'd found. She carried it home in her pocket and told me what happened. Worried about rabies, I called our town humane society and was told that the animal would have to be examined, and they'd send someone for it.
When the humane-society truck pulled up, a big man got out, put on a pair of gauntlets and took a capture stick and cage from the back of the truck. Trying not to laugh, I handed him a shoebox containing the mouse.
he said, seeing my expression, "they only told me it was a wild animal."
The Old Stallion Wants the New Filly
A farmer buys a cute little filly that he plans on racing next season, but when he gets her home, his old stallion smells her and wants her and starts kicking up dust.
The farmer doesn't want her knocked up, because she won't be able to race, so he calls the vet. The vet tells him to tie a bed sheet around the filly's rump to keep the stallion away.
So that day, the farmer does just that. The next day, the farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the vet's solution worked, but the filly is nowhere to be found. The farmer follows her hoof trail to the neighbor's farm, and sees the neighbor's kid out by their barn.
"Hey young man," the farmer calls, "did you see a filly run by with a bed sheet tied around her rump?"
The kid replies,
"No sir, but one dashed past here early this morning with a handkerchief
sticking out of her ass."
To all you dog lovers out there and those who understand the difference between Yankees and Southerners...
A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs
German Shepherd Dog
Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
Great Dane, Mastiff
Any dog that raids the hen house
Any lazy dog
Any dog that's dead & buried & gone to Rainbow Bridge
As a merchant in the caravan business, Ahmed was well aware that a neutered camel can go longer and further without water than one which has not been neutered. But although he knew he was losing money, he couldn't bear the thought of inflicting such pain on his lead camel, which was really more of a pet than a beast of burden.
Walking through a bazaar one day he found the solution to his dilemma: a sign which read "CAMELS GELDED WITHOUT PAIN." Making inquires of the stall's proprietor, he was assured that the operation was quick and absolutely painless. There would be no suffering. A price was negotiated and the merchant returned the next day with his favorite camel in tow.
The camel gilder picked up two bricks, approached the camel from the rear, took aim, and smashed the bricks together with a sound like a thunderclap. With a bellow of agony, the camel collapsed to its knees.
The merchant was horrified. "You promised it would be painless!" he cried, cradling his camel's head.
it is," explained the gilder, "as long as you don't get your
thumbs caught between the bricks."
Did You Buy This Cow in Illinois?
The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.
They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tires to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"
The Vet replied
with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post.
"Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."
I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.
The cat learned
quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched
the back of the sofa.
An Australian goes on a safari in Africa, taking his pet dingo along for company.
One day, the dingo starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dingo thinks, "Geez, I'm in deep trouble now!"
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dingo exclaims loudly, "Bugger me dead, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dingo nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree. He figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dingo sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving Aussie dingo."
sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "Struth,
what am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits
down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet.
Just when they get close enough to hear, the dingo says, "Where the
bloody hell is that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me
Strange Animal Laws in the U.S.
In Kingsville, Texas, it is against the law for two pigs to have sex on the city's airport property.
It is illegal for hens to lay eggs before 8 a.m. and after 4 p.m. in Norfolk, Virginia.
Ducks quacking after 10 p.m. in Essex Falls, New Jersey are breaking the law.
In Quitman, Georgia, it is against the law for a chicken to cross any road within the city limits.
In McDonald, Ohio, farmers cannot march a goose down a city street. And fowl, particularly roosters, are prohibited from going into bakeries in Massachusetts.
Dogs in Foxpoint,
Wisconsin, may not bark profusely, snarl, or make any menacing gestures.
A Zebra in a circus became sick. So the owner decided it to leave it in a farm until it recovered. After a few days the zebra was well enough to walk around, and so he decided to take a walk around the farm.
While going around he met a chicken, and he said, "I am a Zebra, I work in a circus. Who are you?"
The chicken replied, "I am a chicken, I scratch the ground and lay eggs."
He then met a cow, and after similar introduction, the cow said, "I am a cow, I say moo, and I give milk. When I can't give milk, they eat me."
After he had met all the animals, he approached the last - a bull. "I am a Zebra, I work in the circus. Who are you, and what do you do?"
said, "Take off those pajamas and I'll show you who I am and what
says to a camel, "Everyone has boobs on their chest. How come you
have them on your back.
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important
to learn a foreign language?"
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof so he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers".
He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat."
"When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
For all of
you cat lovers (and non-cat lovers)...this is hilarious!!!