Animal-Related Humor

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An Expensive Diagnosis

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black lab, the lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
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The End of the Raven

-- by Edgar Allen Poe's Cat

from Poetry for Cats by Henry Beard

On a night quite unenchanting, when the rain was downward slanting,
I awakened to the ranting of the man I catch mice for.
Tipsy and a bit unshaven, in a tone I found quite craven,
Poe was talking to a Raven perched above the chamber door.
"Raven's very tasty," thought I, as I tiptoed o'er the floor,
"There is nothing I like more"

Soft upon the rug I treaded, calm and careful as I headed
Towards his roost atop that dreaded bust of Pallas I deplore.
While the bard and birdie chattered, I made sure that nothing clattered,
Creaked, or snapped, or fell, or shattered, as I crossed the corridor;
For his house is crammed with trinkets, curios and weird decor -
Bric-a-brac and junk galore.

Still the Raven never fluttered, standing stock-still as he uttered,
In a voice that shrieked and sputtered, his two cents' worth -
"Nevermore."

While this dirge the birdbrain kept up, oh, so silently I crept up,
Then I crouched and quickly lept up, pouncing on the feathered bore.
Soon he was a heap of plumage, and a little blood and gore -
Only this and not much more.

"Oooo!" my pickled poet cried out, "Pussycat, it's time I dried out!
Never sat I in my hideout talking to a bird before;
How I've wallowed in self-pity, while my gallant, valiant kitty
Put and end to that damned ditty" - then I heard him start to snore.
Back atop the door I clambered, eyed that statue I abhor,
Jumped - and smashed it on the floor.
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A Bad Pun

Once upon a time there was a little yellow toad crying in the forest. The Good Witch came along and asked the little yellow toad, 'Why are you crying, my friend?' The little yellow toad said, 'All my friends are green and I'm yellow. I want to be green like all my friends...sniff, sniff.' The Good Witch replied, 'No problem!' And she tapped the little yellow toad with her magic wand and the little yellow toad turned green...all except his private parts, which remained yellow. 'Oh no!!' exclaimed the little toad, 'I can't go through life all green except for my private parts! You have to make me green all over!' The Good Witch said, 'Sorry, I don't do private parts. You will have to go see the Wizard!' So, off the little toad went to see the Wizard.

The Good Witch continued on into the forest where she came upon a little brown squirrel crying very hard. 'Why are you crying, little brown squirrel?' the Good Witch asked. 'Because,' said the little brown squirrel, 'all my friends are red and I want to be red, too...sniff, sniff.' 'No problem!' said the Good Witch. And she tapped the little brown squirrel and turned him red... all except his private parts, which remained brown. 'Oh, no!!' exclaimed the little squirrel, 'I can't go through life all red except my private parts! You have to make me red all over!' But the Good Witch said, 'Sorry, I don't do private parts. You will have to go see the Wizard!' But the little squirrel started crying harder and said, 'But I'm new around here! I don't know the Wizard! How will I find him??' And the Good Witch said, 'Oh, that's easy! Just follow the yellow prick toad....'
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Whale Revenge

Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five years before. Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales." The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly.

Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or in lifeboats. Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells "They're going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!"

Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative: "Look", she says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"
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The New Rooster...

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens.... Look at what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon...just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"

So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop."

The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start." They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later, the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM! , he blows the young rooster to bits.

He sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought this week!"
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Penguin Joke

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
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Kitty

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when all of a sudden a fairy godmother appears in front of her and grants her 3 wishes.

"Well now" says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich" ****poof*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "and gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." ***poof*** she turns into a beautiful young woman. "your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.

Just then the woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ****poof**** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possible imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. with a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
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Cat Bathing As A Martial Art
by Bud Herron 

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

-- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

-- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

-- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

-- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

-- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

-- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.
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Dog Story

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual".

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow."
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The Pet Centipede

A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out. He went to the local pet shop and asks the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said, "Nah, cats can't do the ironing"

Finally the owner suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!" OK, the man thought, I'll give it a try, so he bought it and took it home. Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried and put away. Great, thought the man.

Now he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. 15 minutes later the house is spotless. Wow, thought the man, so he decided to try another idea. "Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper," he told the centipede, and off it went.

15 minutes later, the centipede hadn't returned. 30 minutes later and still no centipede. 45 minutes and the man was sick of waiting, so he got up and went out to look for the centipede.

As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede. "Hey, whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?"

"Hold on a goddamned minute!" said the centipede, "I'm still putting on my fucking boots!!!"
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At The Vet

3 dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane.

The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?" The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well. I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep.

The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?" The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep.

The poodle and schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here. The Great Dane responds: "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself. "

The poodle asks: "so your owner brought you here to be put to sleep?"

The Great Dane says: "No, I'm just here to get my nails trimmed.
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Instructions for Giving your Cat a Pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.
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Cats and Dogs

Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They are totally unpredictable.
When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want o be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They are moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: = They are tiny women in fur coats.

What is a dog?
Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but they don't hear you when you are in the same room. They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They are great at begging.
They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: = They are little men in fur coats
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Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run

1. Chairs and Rugs: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug, shag is good. The most delicate silk-covered antique chair makes the best scratching post.
2. Doors: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is open, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door open, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold or hot weather, rain, snow and mosquito season.
3. Guests:

   a: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most and sit on that lap. If you can arrange to have "Friskies Fish and Glop" on your breath, so much the better. But remember, the best lap is the one belonging to the guest with the heaviest allergic response to you.

   b: For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example, white fur goes well with black wool clothing.

   c. For a guest who claims "I love kitties", be ready to be aloof with disdain, apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle to discourage familiarity.

   d. When walking among dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, "but you allow me on the table when company isn't here."

   e. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything, just sit there and stare.

4. Work: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. The following are some rules for helping:

   a. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled.

   b. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can manage to lie across the book itself. For people who read newspapers, pretend the newspaper is a fort to play under, or lay on it to make sure it won't float away.

   c. for knitting projects, curl quietly into lap of knitter and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This can cause dropped stitches or split yarn. The knitter may try to distract you with a scrap ball of yarn. Ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.

   d. Newly bought groceries or freshly delivered boxes need to be properly inspected before anything can be put away. And be sure to sleep on the instructions if anything needs to be assembled.

   e. For those of you in a high-tech household, it is important to become computer literate so that you can step on the escape button before they have saved their work. And sleeping on the keyboard can have the added benefit of crashing the hard disk. You are giving your human a needed break from on-line services and computer games.

   f. Watching television is serious business. Wait until the most important scene in the movie or the tie-breaker point is about to be served and then walk on the remote. If this doesn't change the channel, then the volume change will wake up your human.

   g. On laundry day, be sure to help with folding sheets or towels. Wait until a clean load is fresh out of the dryer and make a nest out of anything from the delicate cycle. Or wait until the stack of towels is twice as tall as you before you decide to fall asleep on it, since the artfully disarranged pile makes a most comfy bed.

   h. Bed making is an art. Wait until two of the four corners of the sheet are in place, and then jump onto the bed to make sure the sheets are smooth. If the blanket is floating down as you jump up, a beautiful cat lump is achieved. There is no better ornament for a bed than a cat cleaning itself on the lacy boudoir pillows.

5. Food and Water: The freshest water is always located in the glass presently being used by your human. Test it first with your paw, then push your face as far as possible into the glass. Toilet water and water from the faucet when they are brushing their teeth are also good choices. Wet food is always preferable to dry food. If you have to eat dry food, never settle for anything that comes from a membership warehouse or discount pet store. So much the better if you have to get it through a vet's prescription. No matter how many other times during the day you have been fed, make sure to look longingly at the refrigerator whenever your human is cooking dinner. They might forget that they just fed you five minutes ago.
6. Play: This is very important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for playing Catch Mouse or King of the Hill on your human's bed between 2am and 4am.
7. Begin training early. You will then have a smooth running household. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.

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Cat Diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
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A Hare Story

A man was driving along the highway and saw a large rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, it was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. 

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying at the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked him what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead creature and sprayed the contents of the can onto it. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around and again waved at the two humans. 

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to her and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so he could read the label. It said: "Acme Hair Spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
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Quotations about Cats

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Two Snakes...

Six Wise Elephants

Electric Eel Joke

Upside-down Bat

And the fellow shouts back: "Yoga!"
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I Think My Dog Killed Your Dog

"I think he may have gotten stuck in his throat." said the second man.
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A Kangaroo Escape Artist

A Polar Bear Goes into a Bar

The Veterinarian Taxidermist

Mad Cow Disease

Adam Gets a Pet

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.
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He can dish it out, but he can't take it

The little boy said, "That's my dog! He can dish it out, but he can't take it!"
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Little Tim Buries His Goldfish

Vampire Bat Covered in Fresh Blood

Randy the Rooster

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer ..."
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Noah Says No Sex on This Boat

"Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sinister look on his face as he held out a piece of, paper, "I GOT THE DONKEY'S RECEIPT!!"
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A Chihuahua as a Seeing Eye Dog?

The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? You mean, they gave me a fucking Chihuahua? !!!!
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A Schnauzer With Long Eyelashes

A Monkey at the Scene of an Accident

The Real Three Bears Story

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks

Horny Gorilla Humps King of the Jungle

A Young Polar Bear Questions His Lineage

Three Moles

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

One morning, the papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes."

As the baby mole repeatedly tried to stick his head out of the hole to get a whiff, he became frustrated because the two bigger moles were in the way.

Unable to take it any longer, the baby mole mumbled, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."
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Mad Cow Disease Doesn't Affect Us Ducks

Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
 
The other cow replied, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."
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Training Tips for the Puppy:

The best advice I have ever given puppy owners is to get a newspaper and roll it up very tight.  Secure it with a rubber band and leave it on the coffee table.  Then, when the puppy piddles in the house, chews up a slipper or does anything he's not supposed to do , simply take the newspaper and bang it on the top of YOUR head very hard while repeating...
"I should have been watching my puppy!"
"I should have been watching my puppy!"
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A Mouse Has Dr. Snooker Trained...

A mouse returned from the laboratory to his cage and told a fellow mouse, "I've finally got Dr. Snooker trained."

"You have?" asked the other.

"Yes, explained the first mouse. "Every time I press down a bar, he gives me food."
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Woodland Creatures on Drugs

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit. "Lion," they reprimand, "why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "That little fucker has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"
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A Slug is Mugged in the Forest

A slug in the forest had spent all day gathering berries and was making his way home when he was mugged by a gang of snails. They knocked him down, knocked him out and made off with all his berries.

A while later he was found and aided by a very concerned monkey who asked him what had happened. The monkey told him he should go to the police, that if he gave them a good description of the culprits the chances were good that the thugs would be caught and punished.

Unfortunately, the slug revealed, "I'm afraid I never saw them; it all happened so fast."
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How to Bathe the Cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe the cat as you carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top so the cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self-agitate and produce ample suds (ignore ruckus from inside the toilet; as the cat is enjoying this.
6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.
7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors where he will air dry.

Sincerely,

The Dog
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A Butcher and a Very Smart Dog

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a  note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy, "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my ass! It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key."
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You Should Take Those Penguins to the Zoo

A man drives to a gas station and fills up his tank. The curious clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat. So, he asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?" 

The man says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but so far, I haven't a clue."

After thinking a moment the clerk says, "I know... you should take them to the zoo."

"That's a great idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, what's up? You've still got the penguins! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo?"

"Well, I did," says the driver, "and we had a swell time. Today I'm taking them to the beach."
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I Think it's Time to Tell Him He's Adopted

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.  "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
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A Piano-Playing Dog 

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"

The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"

The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"

So the guy sits the dog at the piano, and the dog starts playing ragtime, a little swing, some Gershwin. The bartender is amazed and patrons are enjoying the music.

Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"

The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wants him to be a doctor."
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Real-Life Animal Heroes

CARLETTA THE COW - At his Tuscany farm in 1986, Bruno Cipriano's pet cow, Carletta, saved him from being gored by a boar when she charged at the beast and butted it with her
horns.

PRISCILLA THE PIG - Owned by Victoria Herberta of Houston, Texas, Priscilla hit the headlines in 1984 when she swam to the rescue of an 11-year-old boy. She used her snout to keep his head above water until he could hold on to her collar and then dragged him to the safety of the shore.

LEO THE POODLE - Leo the poodle was out playing with his owners, brother and sister Sean and Erin Callahan, when the trio encountered a rattlesnake. Leo leapt between it and 11-year-old Sean, enabling the boy to escape. Although receiving six bites to the head, Leo somehow survived.

A SCHOOL OF DOLPHINS - In 1989 Adam Maguire was surfing near Sydney when he was attacked by a shark. As the shark moved in for the kill, it was distracted by a school of dolphins thrashing around in the water. To prevent the shark reaching its prey, the dolphins swam around it in circles until Adam's friends had managed to rescue him.

BARRY THE ST. BERNARD - During his 12-year career in the Swiss Alps Barry rescued more than 40 people, among them a small boy trapped in an avalanche. Barry spread himself across the boy's body to keep him warm. To complete the rescue, Barry carried the boy to the nearest house.

Bracken the Collie saved his owner, Ian Elliot, when he was chopping down trees on his Canadian farm and a pine tree crashed on to him breaking his back. Bracken lay across him to maintain his body temperature. When Bracken heard voices in the distance, he ran to the men and led them back to his injured master.

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A Wild Dog Outwits a Leopard

A wild dog is running through the jungle. While wandering about he notices a leopard heading in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep trouble now."

Then he sees some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, he goes chasing after the leopard.

But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.

And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!"  
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His Dog Attacks Anything That Moves

An old man had a dog he just loved but the dog had the bad habit of attacking anything that moved including people. His friends told him that if he had the dog fixed he would lose his aggressions and quit this behavior.
 
So the old man had his dog fixed and a few days later was in his front room when the mailman came up the steps. The dog jumped up and went right thru the screen door and attacked the mailman. The old man ran out and pulled his dog off and began apologizing to the mailman.
 
He said, "I am so sorry, I don't know what to do or say. My friends told me he would quit attacking people if I had him fixed. I just don't know what to do."
 
The mailman picked himself up and said, "You should have had his teeth pulled, I knew when he came out the door he wasn't going to screw me."
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I Just Love Baskin Robins

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one.

"Me, too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more.

"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one.

"Me, too. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"OK" said the first, and they plopped down basking in the sun.

No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I just love baskin' robins."
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Animals Have the Darndest Thoughts

Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"

Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it?  I already KNOW whose it is!"

Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank.  So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"

Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease!  But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker?  HECK, no!"

Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"

Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap!  There's a new one!"
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Shopping for Two Yellow Canaries

A lady went to a pet shop.