God
Creates Australia
Once upon a time in
the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually,
Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep
sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked
puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet,- replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm
going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example,
Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while
Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be
a hot spot."
"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there
is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different
countries. And over there, I call this place America. North America will
be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot
and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which
is a hot spot. Can you see the balance?"
"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed
to a large land mass and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah" said God. "That's Australia, the most glorious place
on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, stream and
an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and
humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be
extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be
throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going
to give them super-human, undefeatable cricket and rugby players who will
be admired and feared by all who come across them".
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then "You said there
will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the ugly, whining, sheep
rooting, Kiwi bastards I'm putting next to them".
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Running
Down an Abo
An Aussie bloke was
hitchhiking across the outback when finally an old ute pulled up in a
cloud of dust. Thankfully, the Aussie jumped into the back, and as the
day was hot and he'd been traveling a long time he went for a kip (promptly
fell asleep).
He was woken abruptly by the sound of "thwack, thwack, thwack, thump.
A little alarmed, he rapped on the front window and asked the driver,
"Mate, what was that noise?"
"Aw mate, nothing much, I just hit an abo."
"Aw right mate," replied the hitchhiker. Then he thinks
for a minute.
"Jeest wait a minute mate. I understand the thump back there, but
what was the 'thwack, thwack, thwack,' before you hit it?"
"No worries, mate, I had to go through three fences to get him!"
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A
Nz'er Walks Into a Bar
A Nz'er
walks into a bar, and says 'giz a Beer.' The Aussie bartender says, "Tell
me, you aren't from
around here, are you mate?"
The Nz'er says, "Nah, I'm from New Zealand."
The bartender says, "Oh yeah, whatddya do?"
The Nz'er says, "Oh, I mount animals."
Most of the people in the bar turn around to look at the Nz'er.
The bartender yells out, "Nah, she'll be right, he's one of us!"
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One-Liners
An
abo goes into a pub with a parrot on his head.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Where did you get that?"
The parrot said, "There's plenty of 'em out in the bush!
An
Abo walks into a pub wearing one thong on his foot.
The barman asks, "Lost a thong mate?", to which the Abo replies,
"Nah mate, found one!"
Q: What do you call an Abo with dandruff?
A: A Lamington (Australia's famous squares of sponge cake dipped in chocolate
glaze and then in coconut)!
Q: What is
the smallest muscle in a Koala's ass?
A: An Australian's dick!
Q: What do
Aussie women do with their cunts most days?
A: Pack them a lunch and send them to work!
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Your
Bar's About Ten Minutes Down the Street
An Abo walks
into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Bartender says, "Sorry
mate, we don't serve your kind here.
There's another bar about ten minutes down the street." So the Abo
promptly leaves.
A short time later, another Abo enters the bar and asks the bartender
for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve your
type here. There's another bar about 10 minutes down the street."
So the Abo leaves and heads for the other bar.
A short time later, Olympic sprinter Cathy Freeman walks into the bar
and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry
mate, we don't serve your type here, but there's another bar about 10
minutes down the street."
Cathy Freeman can't believe what she's hearing and says to the bartender,
"Do you know who I am? I'm Cathy Freeman!"
The bartender says, "Oh I am terribly sorry I didn't recognize you!
It should only take you about 5 minutes to get to the other bar!"
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He
Won't Share His Sheep
An Australian
was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance
over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep. The Aussie is
quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the
farmer.
He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home,
we shear those!"
he New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody
sharing this with no one!"
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A
Tourist Hits Two Abos
A tourist
is driving along in the outback when he hits two Abos who are crossing
the road. One crashes through the windshield and into the car, while
the other bounces off the fender and staggers off into the bush.
A local cop turns up and calms down the hysterical tourist. "Don't
worry mate. We'll have the one that came through your windshield arrested
for breaking and entering, and the other bloke arrested for leaving the
scene of an accident."
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Jailed
for Whoofin' Abos
Fellow thrown
into a cell with another.....first said "Whatcha in for, mate?"
Second said "Whoofin' Abos"
First said "Huh?"
Second said "You Know, throw petrol on 'em, then throw a match...Whoof!"
First said "Sounds pretty bad, mate!"
Second said "Yeah, only get three to the gallon!"
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According
to the Australian Bureau of Statistics
3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongues.
142 Australians were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from
new shirts.
31 Australians have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while
the lights were plugged in.
19 Australians have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas decorations
they believed were chocolate.
543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last two years after
opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket. (ouch!)
8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep (passing
out) while throwing up into the toilet.
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