Why hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them.
-Denis Leary

A black guy and a gorilla go into a bar together. He says to the bartender, "I'd like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."

The bartender says, "Oh come on, pal, we don't serve no gorillas in here."

So the guy figures he'll fix them, he takes the gorilla home, shaves off all her hair, gives her a nice wig, lipstick, red dress, etc. He takes her back to the bar and says, "I'd like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."

The bartender gives them the drinks and they go off and sit down and chat.

The bartender turns to his buddy at the bar and says, "You know, that drives me crazy, it seems like every time a good looking Italian girl comes in here, she's with a black guy."
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President Clinton, Jesse Jackson, a priest, and a boy scout are all on a plane.

An announcement over the intercom says that there is trouble ahead and the plane is going to crash. The crew has their own parachutes, but there are only 3 for the passengers. Bill Clinton says, "I'm the head of the greatest nation on earth. I need to lead my country." So he takes one and jumps.

Jesse Jackson says, "Well, I be a good role model for all da afro-americans of da world dat need somebody to look up to." So he takes a parachute and jumps.

The priest turns to the boy scout and says, "Son, I've led a long, full life and feel that I have accomplished everything I've needed to. Please take the last parachute."

The boy scout says politely, "That's nice of you sir, but we'll both be able to survive and live. That stupid ni___r took my backpack."
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A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.

When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this shit back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4.

The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesickle.
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Two guys work together - a black guy and a white guy. The black guy notices that the white guy always came to work with a smile on his face. He asks him, "Man, how come you come to work with a smile on your face every day?"

The white guy replied "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work." Amazed the black guy asks him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning. "That's easy," the white guy said. "I just tell her the same poem when I wake up: Blondie, Blondie, eyes so blue, I just love waking up and making love to you!"

Determined, the black guy decides to take his friend's advice.

The next day the black guy shows up to work all beat to hell - black eyes, broken nose, fat lip... the works. The white guy says, "Man, what happened to you?" The black guy says "I don't know, I went home and tried your advice." "Well, what poem did you tell your wife?" the white guy asked.

The black guy replied: "Nappy head, Nappy head, eyes like a frog, If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd do you like a dog!"
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When I born, I black
When I grow up, I black
When I go in sun, I black
When I cold, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black
And when I die, I still black.

You white folks......

When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
And when you die, you gray.
So who you callin' colored?
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A spic, a ni___r and a honky were walking together through the desert and stumbled upon a lamp. The honky grabs it up and rubs it hoping for a genie. Lo and behold, a genie pops out and decides to give all three of them one wish instead of the usual 3 for 1.

The spic goes first and wishes that all of his Mexican amigos in the U.S. return to Mexico, proud and independent. POOF! all the spics in the U.S. are back in Mexico.

The ni___r goes next and wishes for all of his fellow ni___rs to return to Africa, proud and independent. POOF! all of the ni___rs are back in Africa.

The honky goes next and says, "You mean to tell me all of the Spics and Ni___rs are out of the United States?" The Genie nods, yes. The honky happily replies, 'Well then I'll just have a Coke"
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One day a zebra died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates he stopped and asked St. Peter..." St. Peter, all my life I've wanted to know one thing and nobody has been able to give me the answer. "  Saint Peter said, "Well, ask me. I'll probably be able to help you. "The zebra  said, "O.K. Am I white with black stripes...or black with white stripes?"
 
St. Peter scratched his head and answered......"Gee, I really don't know the answer to that one. Why don't you come on in and ask Jesus. He's just standing right over there. He'll know the answer."
 
So, the zebra trotted over to Jesus and said, "Jesus, there's something that I've always wanted to know and now that I'm dead and in heaven, maybe you can answer my question."  "I'll sure try," said Jesus. So the zebra asked him the same question that he had asked St. Peter. "Am I white with black stripes...or am I black with white stripes?"  Jesus stared at the ground for awhile, shrugged his shoulders and said, " I really don't know the answer to that one. Why don't you go over there and ask my Father. He will surely know the answer."
 
The zebra trotted over to the throne that God was sitting on and approached God. "What do you want?" God asked. The zebra asked his same question, "Am I white with black stripes...or black with white stripes?" and immediately God answered..."You are what you are!" in a booming voice, and waved him away.

The zebra was more confused than ever and walked slowly back toward Jesus... shaking his head in disappointment. Jesus stopped him and said, "What did my Father say.?" The zebra told him that God had said, "You are what you are!" and that he still didn't have an answer to his question. "Well!", said Jesus, "you do have your answer! You are white with black stripes!"  "How do you figure that?", questioned the zebra, looking confused. Jesus replied, smiling, "It's easy. If you were black with white stripes, He would have said, "You is what you is!"
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A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sounds.

"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.

Mary put her hand up and said, "Mooooo!"

"Very good," replied the teacher.

"What sound do sheep make?"

"Baaaa," answered Billy.

She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"

All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Tyrone at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mutha-fucka!"
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Four men - an East Indian, a Japanese, a Black man, and a white man gathered at the top of a 30-story building.

The East Indian said, "This is for my people," and jumped off.

The Japanese said, "This is for my people," and jumped off.

The Black man said, "This is for my people," and pushed the white man off.
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Yo mama is so ugly...
That your father takes her to work so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
she makes blind children cry!
You could stick her face in dough and it would make monster cookies!
I took her to the zoo and the guy at the door said "Thanks for bringing her back."!
When she passes by a bathroom the toilet flushes!
she looks like she got hit with a bag of "What the fuck?"
the psychiatrist makes her lie face-down.
her parents first named her "Accident".


Yo mama is so stupid...
She sold her car for gas money.
She tripped over a cordless phone.
That she puts lipstick on her head just to make up her mind.
It took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
she thought Boyz2Men was a daycare center.
she thought manual labor was a Spanish person.
when you told her it was chilly outside she went and got a bowl
she went to a mind reader and was only charged half price
she studied for a drug test!
she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said "Guess," so she said, "Levi's."
she sold her car for gasoline money!
she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
when she saw the NC-17 (not under 17) sign at the movie theater, she went home and got 16 mo' friends.
she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
at the bottom of an application where it says 'Sign Here', she put Sagittarius!
when her husband lost his marbles she bought him new ones!
she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Dogg's holiday album!
that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."!
she thought Beirut was a famous home run hitter.
she went to drug rehab because she thought she was Hooked on Phonics.



Yo momma breath stink so bad...
she needs prescription strength Tic Tacs.

Yo momma lips are so big...
she forced Chapstick to come out with a spray.

Yo momma is so bowlegged...
her legs look like parenthesis.

Yo momma got one eye, one arm, and one leg...
they call the bitch UNO!

Yo momma is so poor...
she has a platinum welfare card.
she can't afford to pay attention!
her face is on the front of a food stamp.
burglars break in her house and leave money.

Yo Mama's So Fat...

When she come down da line on Soul Train, da bitch be on two channels!
When she dances, the band skips.
When she says she's going to a night on the town, she means it.
Her belly button gots an echo.
They had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through.
When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 5 years to live.
When she wears a yellow raincoat, people yell out, "Taxi!"
When she goes to the beach, she's the only one who gets a tan.
Her nickname is 'eclipse'.
When her beeper goes off, people think she is backing up.
Her blood type is 'It Almost Tastes Like Butter'!
Her nickname is "Damn"
She eats Wheat Thicks.
All the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama"
When she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton!
Her blood type is Ragu
When she goes to a restaurant, she looks at the menu, and says, "Okay!"
When she bends over, we go into daylight savings time
She can't even jump to a conclusion!
She has to iron her pants on the driveway
She eats her cereal out of a satellite dish
she had a seat installed on her septic tank!
if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it!
her college graduation picture was an aerial.
she gets clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, and oh-my-god-it's-coming-towards-us!
when she wears a yellow raincoat people say, "Taxi!"
when her husband has sex with her, he likes to slap her ass and ride the wave in!
her ass has its own Congressman!
when her family brings home groceries, they need to hire a rodeo clown to distract her!
she gets her toenails painted at Earl Scheib!
she uses bowling balls for earrings!
she was baptized in tartar sauce!
the only thing attracted to her is gravity!
it took five UFOs to abduct her!
when she was a kid, she could only play seek!
you can pinch an inch on her forehead!
when she plays hopscotch, her landmarks are noted like, "Texas, Alabama, North Carolina, Pennsylvania..."
she has so many double chins, she looks like she is staring at you over a pile of pancakes!
she isn't fat, she insists she's just 4-feet too short!
she was baptized in Sea World!
she got arrested for starting a tornado every time she farted!
when she was diagnosed with a flesh-eating disease, the doctor gave her 13 years to live!
she fell off a boat and the captain yelled "Land Ho!"
every time she eats at McDonalds, they have to go outside and double the number on the sign!
she installed chairs in her refrigerator!
on Halloween she says, "Trick or Meatloaf!"
she had your baby pictures taken by satellite!
when her husband got on top of her, his ears popped!
the police showed her a picture of her feet and she could    not identify them!
she stepped on my cat's tail and now I call him "Beaver!"
she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to get the fuck off!
her nickname is "DAMN!"
when she went into the water at the beach, the whales started singing, "We Are Family!"
when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips!
when she opens the refrigerator, it says, "Uncle!"
she DJ's for the ice cream truck!
she eats cereal out of a satellite dish!
when the cashier at KFC asked what size bucket she wanted, she said the one on the roof!
even God couldn't raise her spirits!
even Richard Simmons laughs at her!
she puts mayonnaise on aspirin!
when she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washington's nose.
she eats Wheat THICKS.
she's the main ingredient in Ding Dongs.
she was Miss Arizona -- class battleship.
the AIDS quilt can't cover her.
the National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts.
she masturbates while looking at pictures in a cookbook.
when God said, "Let there be light,' he told her to move her fat ass out of the way!
even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction
she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors
when she gets on the scale, it says "we don't do livestock"
the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs
she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth
her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud
the shadow of her ass weighs 50 pounds
she stepped on my cat's tail, now I call him "Beaver"
she was floating in the ocean, and Spain claimed her as a new world
when you get on top of her, your ears pop.
when she has sex, she has to give directions.
she has a refrigerator strapped to her waist, and it looks like a pager.
she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for their new world.
she sat on the beach and Green peace threw her in.
when I climbed up on top of her, I burned my ass on the light bulb.
she can't even jump to a conclusion.
she's moving the Earth out of its orbit.
she has 48 midnight snacks.
she plays pool with the planets.
she made Richard Simmons cry.
when she went to get a water bed, they put a blanket across Lake Michigan.
she don't know whether she's walking or rolling.
she makes sumo wrestlers look anorexic.


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It was a miserable hot day in Louisiana, and two black ladies were walking down the  street.

One said to the other, "Eloise, honey, it so hot out here today.  Why don't we take off our panties so's we be cool?"

Eloise said,  "Oh, I don't know Mary Jane. I be too embarrassed."

So they walked on a bit further. Soon Mary Jane said, "Eloise, honey, I juss can't stand dis heah heat. We jess gots to take off our panties so's we be  cool."

And Eloise said, "Mary Jane, I juss can't. I be too embarrassed."

They continued on for a few more blocks, when suddenly Mary Jane stopped and pointed to the porch of a house. An enormous black woman was sitting there with her skirt hiked up to her navel, wearing no panties, and eating a slice of watermelon.

"Look at dat. I bet she be cool." Mary Jane continued. "Less go axe her."

"Hey, big fat Mama, you sittin' up dere on the porch of dis house, what wid yo skirt hiked up to yo navel, no panties on and eatin' dat watermelon.   Tell us, is you cool?"

Big fat Mama replied, "Honey chile. I don't no nuffin' 'bout being cool, but it sho do keep dem flies off my watermelon!"
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Harlem High School Cheer

Let's hear that unforgettable, newly arranged school cheer of New York's Harlem High School:

Watermelon,
Barbeque,
Cadillac Car,
We not as dumb
as you think we is!
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Ya KNOW ya on a Black Airline When...

 1. The windows are tinted.
 2. The plane is sitting on gold rims.
 3. The stewardess's are all ex-Hammer dancers.
 4. First class, business class and coach is classified as: O.G., Hustlers, and Playa Haters.
 5. Power windows for fly-bys.
 6. Pilot comes on the intercom and asks everybody for gas money.
 7. The intercom chimes 'wazzup!, wazzup!' prior to announcements instead of 'ding ding'.
 8. Floating devices have patches.
 9. Oxygen masks are turned into bongs.
10. The pilot is doing doughnuts on the runway.
11. The pilot has to check in with his parole officer before take off.
12. The pilot needs a jump to start the plane.
13. The stewardesses have on Fubu gear as their uniforms.
14. Featured movies are, 'Booty Call', 'I Got The Hook Up,' and the original 'Shaft'.
15. Served miniature forty ounces and pork skins.
16. The plane has an AMG kit.
17. You can pay for your tickets with food stamps or WIC vouchers.
18. The black box is really a satellite TV de-scrambler.
19. The seats are covered in plastic.
20. Your flight got cancelled cause the plane got repossessed!
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A Little Problem With the Black Folks in Heaven

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you, I have a problem. I know we have affirmative action and we are supposed to have 20,000 black folks in heaven but they are causing so many problems. They have torn down the Pearly Gates by swinging on them; they stole my horn got barbecue sauce all over their robes. Ham hocks, spareribs, and pig feet bones all over the streets of gold. Some are walking around with only one wing. Angels must have two wings to fly."

"Those robes are eternal and must be washed 3 times a day. Some have not washed their robes since they arrived. Some have refused to take their turn keeping the stairway to Heaven clean.  Watermelon and sunflower seeds are all over the clouds. Some refuse to wear their halos, saying that they don't fit right over their Braids, Waves, Dreds, Up-Do's, Pin Curls, French Roles, Afro's, Dreds and yes even some still with curls."

The Lord said, "It's not fair not to let Black folks in heaven. They have just as much right here as White folks. Surely the devil has the same issue, let's call him see how's he's dealing down there." 

The Devil answered the phone and said, 'Hell-Low, Whuz up Lord, what can I do for you?' The Lord said, "We have a problem up here and we would like to talk to you about it." 

The devil said, "Wait a minute, I've got to put you on hold." The Devil was gone 5 minutes, he came back to the phone and said, "OK Lord, I'm back, Whuz up"?

The Lord said, "Well, I would like to talk to you about a couple problems we have up here." Once again the Devil excused himself. This time he was gone 15 minutes. Finally, the Devil came back to the phone and said, "Lord I am sorry, but I got to go. I have a MAJOR crisis at hand! These Black folks down here done put my fire out, and n____r-rigged them some AIR CONDITIONING!
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A black man died and was greeted at Heaven's gate by Peter, who told him that he had to give proof that he was worthy of Heaven.  The man said, "Well, I was the star quarterback for my high school team." 

"Not good enough," remarked Peter.  "Heaven is full of old, broken down football players."  

"Well, after high school, I went on to play in college, and was MVP, then I even played pro until I was injured and had to quit playing." 

"Still not good enough," replied Peter.  "We have millions of professional ball players in Heaven.  Tell me something really special.  You have to have done something remarkable to get into Heaven." 

"Well,"  Said the man "I once made love to a white girl on a picnic table in the middle of a KKK meeting." 

"WELL! Now that is something remarkable!  When did you do that?" queried Peter. 

The black man looked at this watch and replied, "About 30 minutes ago."
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