Yet Another Dumb Blonde Jokes Page...

Yes, much of this is admittedly in bad taste - some even blatantly misogynistic - so return to the Random Silliness Page if you're in danger of being offended while you still have the chance.

One-Liners

Short Jokes 10/25/2003

Top of the List 10/8/2003


 

Top of the List

The Blonde and the Thermos

A blonde was shopping at K-Mart and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it over to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

"Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing... I'm going to buy it!"

So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss, who was also blonde, saw it on her desk. "What's that?" she asked.

"Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

"Wow, that's amazing," said the boss, "what do you have in it?"

"Two popsicles and some coffee."


Where do Babies Come From?

A blonde teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me... babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up, and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," responded the blonde teenager,
"won't it knock my teeth out?"



Whiskey Makes My Twat Sore

A bartender is preparing to open for the night when he hears a knock at the door, he opens the door and a beautiful blonde is standing there.

She says, "I'm shy could I get a drink before you open?"

So he lets her in. "What`ll it be?"

"Twenty-five whiskeys please. Just line em up."

He is shocked that she would want so much, but he fills them and he watches her down the lot one by one. She then collapsed on the floor.

The bartender looks over the bar, not bad he thinks and takes her upstairs. When he has had enough he goes back down to open up.

It's a really busy night and to boost business he sells the girl for a twenty bucks per go. Everyone wants a turn, and he makes a fortune.

When he has closed up, he takes the girl and puts her outside the door where she first came from and he counts his profits.

The next night at the same time the doorbell rings again so he answers and the girl is back. He can't believe his luck. Inviting her in he asks, "Twenty five whiskeys again, Darlin'?"

"Oh no," she replies, "vodka please. Whiskey makes my twat sore."


She's Condidering Nursing

A very well-built young blonde was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was.

"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."

The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try."


A Blonde Stopped for Speeding

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and walked up to the car. The police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"

Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."


Help With a Jigsaw Puzzle

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a drink, then ..." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."


A Blonde Paints the House

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said...."FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!"


Can't Find Their Car - True Story

My blonde wife and a "blonde challenged" friend, whom we shall call "Rio", went to the mall. Rio's husband buys and sells used cars and so she never drives the same one for more than a few weeks. After a couple hours of power shopping, they exited the mall and then, suddenly, Rio stopped. "Where did we park?" she asked my wife.

"I don't know! What did we drive?"

"I have no idea." answered Rio.

After searching the parking lot for a few minutes with no success, they were forced to find a pay phone and call Rio's husband at work to find out which car she was using.

--Clarence from Idaho


Three Blondes at the Pearly Gates

Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ...

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted.


Things A Blonde Can't Do, Can Do, and Does

1. Take her new scarf back to the store because it is too tight.
2. Can't learn to water ski because she can't find a lake with a slope.
3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.
4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months and the box said "2 to 4 years".
5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
7. When asked what the capital of California was, she answered "C."
8. Burnt her nose bobbing for French Fries.
9. Baked a turkey for 5 days because the instructions said one hour per pound and she weighed 125.
10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.
12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.
13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good up to 20 pounds."
14. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.


She's a Month Overdue

A young blonde husband comes home one night, and his blonde wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but we until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company.

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."


Looking for a Man in the Woods

Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally look so sad.

Liz: "Heard you went off into the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay... But you look so sad. Why?"

Sally: "'Cause I just can't get a man."

Liz: "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

Sally: "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went to the woods 'cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Liz: "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Sally: "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

Liz: "So, how's that gonna help you get a man?"

Sally: "Well, my mama told me that the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."


Give Her Another Chance

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a, "Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention." The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened -- the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?". Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream..."GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"


3 Blondes Discussing Blow Jobs

Three blondes are talking about their boyfriends. "It's funny," says Samantha, "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when I'm sucking his dick."

"You know what?" replies Jenny. "It's exactly the same with my Richard..."

They turn to the third blonde and ask, "When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?"

"Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing in my mouth!"

"You're crazy," one of the blondes pipes up. "A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy. You should try it."

She says she'll think about it. The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the blowjob novice is sporting a wicked shiner.

"Whoa!" the first blonde asks. "How did you get that black eye?"

"Chris hit me when I was blowing him," she says.

"What on earth for?" the second blonde asks.

"I don't know," she replies. "All I did was tell him how strange it was that his balls were so warm, seeing as how Pete's and Richard's are so cold."


Hiding in the Barn

One day three very attractive women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, are running away from a farmer.

The women ran and ran until they came upon his barn. They each ran into the barn and hurried up the stairs where they found three sacks. The farmer came upstairs to look for the women. He saw the bags and went to investigate.

He walked up to the first bag and kicked it. The brunette hiding inside said, "Quack, quack."

The farmer said, "Oh, there must be ducks in that bag."

He goes to the next bag and kicks it. The redhead hiding inside said, "Bwaak, bwaak."

The farmer said "Oh, there must be chickens in that bag."

He walks over to the last bag and kicks it, and the blonde hiding inside said, "Potatoes..."

BUT, the farmer was blonde too, so he said, "Oh, there must be potatoes in that bag."



Petishun To End Blond Hairassment--We Can't Take No More!

We blonds at the ofise are tierd of all the, the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us graite stress and makes our roots turn dark.

We have hierd a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supreem cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side. We of also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun. We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so offen a red hed joke.

If we don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.

Sined by the blonds at the ofise:

XOXOXOXO
OXOXOXOX
XOXOXOXO
OXOXOXOX

(sined with a pensul so you can erace it if you make a mistake)



Waiting for the Traffic Cop

The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic.

Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The throng surged across Broadway -- all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.

When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the cross-traffic through the intersection. Half a minute later, he stopped the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion.

Again, he got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she had again been joined by a crowd of people.

Tweeeeeeeet! "Okay, pedestrians!"

The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put. She looked at her watch and tapped her foot but never budged from the sidewalk.

Finally, after the cop yelled "Okay, pedestrians!" for the third time, the blonde shouted across traffic, "Yo! Officer! Isn't it about time you let the Catholics cross?"


3 Blonde Detectives

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer!"

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm, the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!"


Rectum Deodorant

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant... and that in fact he's never heard of it before. The blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store for years and needs some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."


Struggling With a Jigsaw Puzzle

A blonde calls her boyfriend and pleads, "Please come over here and help me I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, but I can't figure out how to get it started. Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

"Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."



Blonde Wife Sliding Down the Banister

A man comes home from work one night to catch his blonde wife sliding naked down the banister.

He blurts out, "What do you think you're doing!?"

"Just heating up dinner!" she replies.



Trying to Fix Hail Dents

A blonde is driving home and she gets caught in a really bad hailstorm. The hail is as big as tennis balls, and she ends up with her car covered with large dents. So the next day she takes her car to the repair shop.

The shop owner, seeing she is blonde, decides to have a little fun. He tells her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe, really hard, and all the dents will just pop out.

The blonde drives home, gets out of the car, gets down on her hands and knees and starts blowing into the tail pipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happens.

Meanwhile, her roommate, also a blonde, comes home and asks, "What in the world are you doing?" The blonde car owner tells her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the hail dents to pop out.

Her blonde roommate rolls her eyes and says, "Hell-OOOO! Don't you think you should roll up the windows first?"


She Gets a Call That Her Mother Has Passed Away

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I  can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"


Wallpaper

A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

"Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"

"Ten," said Buffy.

So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.

"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"

"Yeah!" said Buffy. "So did I."


Preparing for a Milk Bath

A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "OK. You want it Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits."


Please Ring Bell for Night Watchman

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said,  "Press bell for night watchman."

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down  the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut  down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving  door.

"Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"

"I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself?"


The Blonds at the Ofise

We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side. We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun. We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.

Sined by the blonds at the ofise


A Blonde's Car is Broken Into

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries. The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes."

Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again. "Never mind," giggles the blonde, "I was in the back seat!"


Trying to Scare the Kids

A BLONDE HUSBAND comes home and hears hard breathing female noises from inside the apartment, walks inside to find his wife on the floor of the living room naked.

Wife yells, "Help, help, I am having a heart attack", the husband runs in the other room to call the doctor when one of his kids run up to him and says "Daddy, Daddy, there is a naked man in the closet."

The husband opens the closet door and sees his friend Bob. He yells at Bob, "Bob, God damn it, my wife is having a heart attack and here you are trying to scare the kids!!!"


A Blonde Kidnapping

A blonde woman was having financial troubles, so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. 

"I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7:00am," signed, "The Blonde".

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."


Blonde Cooking Diary

MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.


21, 21, 21

A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail to rail, saying, "21, 21, 21." A Blonde walks up, sees her and decides to join her.

The blonde starts jumping from rail to rail, also saying, "21, 21, 21."  Suddenly, the brunette hears a train whistle and jumps off the tracks just as the blonde is splattered all over the place.

The brunette goes back to jumping from rail to rail, counting, "22, 22, 22."


Tear Along The Dotted Line

There was a blonde driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A police officer soon had her pulled over. When she had stopped, the officer asked, "License and Registration please."

"It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this," she said smiling.

"That's impossible!" The officer replied, "I've never heard of such a license."

To which the driver reached into her purse and handed him her license. Looking closely, the Officer said, "This is an ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration."

She pointed to the bottom of the license, "See? it says so right here: 'Tear Along The Dotted Line.'"


Beer Gives Her a Sore Pussy

One evening, a hot little blonde went into a bar and ordered a beer. She took one sip and fell unconscious. The bartender, seeing there were not many patrons, promptly closed the bar and proceeded to have his way with her. Then he dressed her up and woke her and sent her on her way.

The next day she was back, ordered a beer again and like clockwork fell asleep on the bar. This time the bartender rallied a few men and they took turns having sex with her. It was sheer delight and they awoke her after a few hours and sent her on her way.

The bartender expected the blonde to come again the next day, so he called all his in-laws. The next day, the blonde came again and sat at the bar. All eyes were on her. But she just ordered an orange juice, much to the disappointment of the whole bar.

The bartender asked her, "Why did you change from a beer?"

To which she replied, "Oh, drinking beer gives me a sore pussy!"


A Cell Phone Was Too Expensive So...

"I have a problem," a blonde complained to her friend, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

"Don't you have a phone in your car?" asked the friend.

"That was too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

"A mail box? Does that work?"

"Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

"And why do you think that is?"

"I figure it's because when I'm driving around my zip code keeps changing."


In a Rowboat In a Cornfield

One afternoon, a beautiful blonde is sitting in a row boat in the middle of a cornfield, rowing like crazy.

Another blonde driving up the road sees this and stops. She gets out of the car and hollers at the first blonde
in the row boat.

"Do you know that it is blondes like you that gives us a bad name.  And if I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your ass!"


She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
....she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
....she thought General Motors was in the army.
....she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
....she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
....under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
....she tripped over a cordless phone.
....she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
....she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
....at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius!"
....she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
....she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
....she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center
....she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train
....when she missed the #44 bus, she took the #22 bus twice instead.
....she sent me a fax with a stamp on it


The Blonde House Painter

Young blonde lady knocks on the door.

"I saw your ad, Painting needed, $200.00"

Homeowner says: "Have any experience?"

Blonde says "Yes, when can I start?"

Homeowner: "Right now, paint my porch, its around back of the house and the paint is in the garage".

Homeownerís wife : "Honey, are you sure that blonde can paint okay?"

Homeowner: " Donít worry, youíve heard too many blonde jokes".

20 minutes later; Blonde knocks on the door.

Homeowner says: "Done already?"

Blonde says: " Yep, finished already, 2 coats of paint, and still lots left over. And by the way, its not a porch, itís a Lexus!"


We Don't Sell to Blondes

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darnn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.

"I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.


Sending a Message Overseas

This blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed, "I don't have any money. But I'd do anything to get a message to my mother". The man arched an eyebrow and blurted out, "Anything?"  "Yes, yes, anything," the blonde promised. "Well then, just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.

"Come in and close the door" the man said. She did. "Now get on your knees". She did. "Now take down my zipper." She did. "Now go ahead and take out my dick," he said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands, then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well, go ahead".

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to his dick and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively
said, "Hello, Mom, can you hear me?"


Two Pigs and a Stunning Blond in Space

NASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On board there are two pigs and Kiki, a stunning blond. When the rocket is outside the stratosphere, the first stage drops off. Contact is made: "Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do you read us? Over."

"Oink, oink, here Pig 1, read you loud and clear"

"Pig 1, do you still know your instructions?"

"Yes, when we get to the moon, I press the red button to initiate the moon landing. Over."

"That's right. Over and out."

They go on until the rocket separates its booster stage. "Hello, Pig 2? Come in please."

"Oink, oink, here Pig 2, read you loud and clear."

"OK, Pig 2 do you remember your instructions?"

"Yes, when we've landed on the moon and are ready to leave, I press on the green button to initiate the launch program."

"That's right, Pig 2. Over and out."

An hour later when the rocket has achieved the correct speed the last stage drops off as planned. Ground control contacts the astronauts again. "Houston here, Kiki, come in. Kiki do you read us?"

"Kiki here, reading you loud and clear."

"Kiki, do you remember your instructions?"

"Yes," Kiki says, "I feed the two pigs and keep my hands off any buttons."


Breaking in a New Boat on Lake Isabella

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch.

So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.


Jumping from a Burning Building

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.

The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato. "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead. "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!" "OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!" "No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde. "No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . ."


The Blonde Nun

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.

"There must be something you would have of me," said God.

"Well, there is one thing," she said.

"Just name it," said God.

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop."

"Consider it done," said God. Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.

"Name it. Please," said God.

"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."


At a Paternity Trial

At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as 'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?"

"Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.

"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued.

"Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure... he had one of those fancy Mitsubishis."


A Brunette Goes to the Doctor with an Unusual Complaint

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible" says the doctor, "show me".

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.

She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you? You're really a blonde".

She says "yes doctor. How did you know"?

"I thought so" he says " your finger is broken"


Green Side Up

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it.

Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"

The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"!

The woman is even more perplexed, but still lets it slide. They wander further, into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"!

This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?"

The contractor shakes his head and says,

"I have four blondes laying sod across the street."


Duck Hunting

Two blondes go duck hunting. Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven't bagged any. One hunter looks at the other and says, "I just don't understand it. Why aren't we getting any ducks?"

Her friend says "I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing the dog high enough."


Doing the Breaststroke

There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."


Answering the Phone in the Middle of the Night...

2 in the morning, the wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some young woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."


Two Blondes Find a Compact

Two blondes are walking down the street.

One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.

She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"


Swerving to Avoid all the Trees

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was..."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth".


Blondes and an Engineer

A group of blondes in school were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walks away.

After the engineer has gone, one blonde turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length."


The Blonde Counselor

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if he was alright.

The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself.

Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here alone?"

"Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie."


God helps those who help themselves

A blonde woman named Babbette found herself in dire trouble. Her business had gone bust and she was in serious financial trouble. She was so desperate that she decided to ask God for help. She began to pray. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto".

Lotto night came and somebody else won.

Babbette again prayed. "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night came and Babbette still had no luck.

Once again she prayed. "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened and Babbette was confronted by the voice of God himself.

"Babbette, help me out here. Buy a ticket."


Two Blonde Carpenters

Two blonde carpenters were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.

The other blonde noticed what she was doing and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"

The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"

The second blonde got really excited and called her all kinds of names, explaining, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!"


How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

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Baking a Cake

Mr. & Mrs. Smith (a blonde) have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Mr. Smith comes home from work and says that he has invited 4 of his friends from the office home for dinner on Friday night. The wife is a bit apprehensive and asks if she must cook a meal for the four. The husband explains that there will be eight coming because each will bring his wife.

Since this is there first party, the husband consoles her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake.

Friday morning the blonde calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six.

Hubby says, "Why don't you just double the recipe?"

"I just can't do it," she weeps. "It's impossible."

"What's the matter?"

"Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..."

"So, you use FOUR eggs. Don't you have them?

"Yes -- well, actually it isn't the ingredients," the blonde sobs, "it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven, and I can't turn the heat up to 700 degrees!"


Working for a Bigot

The CEO was chatting with a new blonde temp and asked her how she liked working for her manager. She replied, "He's OK I guess. But he sure is bigoted."

Somewhat taken aback, the CEO said, "That's a very serious criticism. Exactly what do you mean by bigoted?"

She said, "Well, for one thing, he thinks words can only be spelled one way."


Two Blondes Testing Perfume...

Two blondes walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?"

Kathy takes a sniff and replies, "That is nice. What's it called?"

"Viens a moi," replies Nancy.

"Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?"

At this stage the store clerk offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French."

Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks, "That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"


She's Sworn Off Men

A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she'd sworn off men for life.

"They lie, they cheat, and they're just no damn good," she moaned. "From now on, when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and tested plastic companion," she said.

"What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend.

"That's simple," replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an orgasm as usual."


Hippopotamus, NY

A blonde calling a travel agency to make reservations said, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York".

The agent was at a loss for words. Finally he asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what Flights do you have?" replied the blonde.

After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."

The blonde retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"

The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"

"That's it!" she said. "I knew it was a big animal!"


The New Cell Phone

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hon, "he says, "how do you like your new phone?"

"I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand. How did you know I was at Wal Mart?"


At the Coffee Shop

A blonde grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, and replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."


At the Eye Doctor...

The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.

The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor in disgust took a paper sack with a hole to see through, and put it on her head to cover up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get upset about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."


A Lotta Bull...

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull.

She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."

The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word."

She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please."

"And what word would that be?" inquires the man. "Comfortable." replies the blonde.

The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"

The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."


Blonde Birth Control

A week after their marriage, the newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor. "I can't figure it out Doc, my testicles are turning blue." The doctor examined him and confirmed the unusual condition. He asked the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm I prescribed ? "Yes." she replied. "And what kind of jelly are you using ?" the doctor then asked. "Grape." she said.


Someone has to go

There were 11 women hanging from a rope dangling from an airplane. Ten were blondes and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person would have to let go because the rope wasn't strong enough to maintain them and if it broke they would all die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll let go."

All the blondes started clapping.


Stranded on an Island...

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. After 10 years of living there, one finds a magic lamp. She rubs it and out pops a genie who says, "I can give you each one wish."

The brunette says, "I miss my family terribly... I want to go home!" Poof! The genie grants her wish.

The redhead says, "I miss the life I had... I want to go home too." Poof! She disappears.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably and the genie says in a concerned voice "My dear, what is the matter?"

She sobs and says...

"I wish my friends were here..."


Mail

A blond went out to her mail box and looked in, closed the door and went back in the house. A few minutes later she went out and looked in the mail box again. She did this several times and her neighbor that was watching her said, "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into your mail box"..

The blond answered "No", I am working on my computer and it keeps telling me that I have mail."


911

The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by this recent incident. Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps put her face in her hands and moaned. "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"


The Breakdown

Her car breaks down on the Interstate one day, so the river eases it over onto the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing on-coming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pile-ups in history of this highway occurs.

It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" screams the cop.

"Those are my emergency flashers!" replied the blonde!



Flowers

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and they pass flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again for no reason."

The blonde looks at her and says, " What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The brunette replies, "Oh sure...but I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs up in the air."

The blonde says, " Don't you have a vase?"


Engine Trouble

Judy Q was bored with driving her BMW. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible. later in the week, she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work.

An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio - what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded, after a few minutes, that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily, she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait later, she saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.
"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter? JudyQ replied, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."
"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"

"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?"

 


Three blondes die and are at the pearly gates of heaven

St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first blond, "What is Easter"?

The blond replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and gives thanks for all we have."

"Wrong!" booms St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange gifts, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"

The third blonde looks St. Peter straight in the eye, " I know what Easter is." "Oh?" asks St. Peter incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. After the Last Supper, Jesus was deceived by one of his disciples and turned over to the Romans. The Romans stabbed him in the side, made him wear a crown of thorns, and hung him on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was then buried in a nearby cave, which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The Third blonde continues, "Every year, the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter!


Did you hear about that blonde who went out and bought an am radio.. Poor thing.. It took her a week before she realized she could also listen to it in the afternoon...


Blonde Horseback Riding...

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted & the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady & rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try & throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become Entangled in the stirrup & she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again & again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when...

the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.


A Blonde goes to the Emergency Room...

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the doctor asked. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?"

"No, silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, 'I just paid $6,000 for these.' Then I put it in my mouth and thought, 'I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened.' Then I put the gun in my ear, and thought 'This is going to make a loud noise," so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger..."


The Blonde and the Lawyer

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.

He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:

"Okay, how about this "If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50.

The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"

Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.


Two Blondes in Natchitoches

Two blondes were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one blonde asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are,...very slowly?"

The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing."


You're Next!

This Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and, sure enough, she opens the door to find him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is angry.

She opens her purse, takes out the gun but, as she does she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and points to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it."

The blonde replies "Shut up, you're next."


The Elevator Joke

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."


51 Days
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. . .the side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"


Three Blondes Fishing...
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses." "We don't have any." replied the first blonde. "Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"


Blonde Parachuting

A blonde and a Brunette go parachuting. The Blonde jumps first, pulls her parachute cord and is slowly drifting in the air and enjoying the view. The brunette jumps after her, pulls her parachute cord but nothing happens. She pulls it again, this time as hard as she can, still nothing. She pulls the cord to the emergency chute, but that doesn't open either. She passes by the blonde like a speeding bullet The blonde looks at her and says, while getting her parachute off her shoulders, -Soooo, you want to race, do you?


My personal favorite...

Then there was the Blonde that went to the beauty shop to get a haircut. The beautician told her that she would have to take off the earphones for her Walk-man. The blonde refused and told her to do the best she could while cutting around the headphones.

After half an hour, the beautician showed the blonde what a mess her hair was and insisted she take off the headphones so the hair could be cut properly. She said it would only take about 10 minutes. Again the blonde refused, so the beautician diligently went back to work, doing her best under the circumstances.

After another 10 minutes or so she noticed the blonde had fallen asleep. Thinking it could do no possible harm and wanting to finally wrap up this haircut with decent results, she took the headphones off. The beautician was almost finished when the blonde fell out of the chair, dead.

Being horrified and more than a little curious, the beautician picked up the headphones to find out what the blonde had been listening to. What she heard was a voice repeating over and over, very slowly, "Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out."


Head and Shoulders

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively,

"How do you give shoulders?"


Blonde on a Boat Trip

There was a beautiful blonde who decided to end it all since her life was in ruins. She had broken up with her boyfriend, lost her job, and wrecked her car all in one day. She climbed onto the railing of the Brooklyn Bridge and was about to jump.

A seaman was crossing the bridge returning to his ship when he saw the woman, and pulled her down from the railing. He said to her "Why are you trying to end your life?"

After she told him of her woes, he suggested that she travel to change her life by getting away from her problems. He suggested that going to France would change her life around. She told him that she had no money and couldn't afford to travel.

He thought a bit and told her that his ship was sailing soon and that he could help her stowaway. He told her that she would hide in the lifeboat and that he would sneak food and water in to her. It wouldn't cost her any money, but that it gets lonely aboard ship, and that he would like some sexual companionship in exchange.

She told him that she thought that it would be okay, since she was willing to do most anything to improve her life, and she did like sex.

He took her on board and hid her in the lifeboat. He explained that the ship would be making many stops before getting to France, but he would stop in every night to bring her supper and to get his payment.

After the first day, she told the seaman that waiting all day for supper was too long to wait and that she was too lonely waiting all day. He told her that the only way to solve that problem was to have some of the other crewmen get involved with the arrangement. She said Okay. Pretty soon the whole crew was taking turns.

One day the captain looked down from the bridge and saw a steady stream of his crew going into and out of the lifeboat, all leaving with smiles on their faces. His curiosity got the better of him and he went down to the lifeboat and opened it up to find the beautiful blonde totally naked.

The captain asked the girl what she was doing. She told the captain that one of the crew had helped her stowaway since she did not have the fare for the passage to France. She then told him that she was keeping the crew happy while she was easing her loneliness on the long voyage.

The Captain told the girl to get dressed and to get out of the lifeboat. when she dressed, she asked the Captain when they would arrive in France.

The captain then asked the girl whether she was Polish. The girl acknowledged that indeed she was Polish, and asked how the Captain knew.

The Captain then said to the girl "Lucky guess Ma'am, by the way, this boat is not going to France, this boat is the Staten Island ferry".


Travelling First Class

There was this Blonde.
She was taking a trip to Denver.
Upon getting on the plane she sat down in first class.
A stewardess saw the blondes airline ticket and knew she did not belong in first class.
The stewardess ask the blonde if her ticket was for first class.
The blondes response was:
I'm blonde; I'm beautiful and I'm sitting in first class
The stewardess they told the blonde that her ticket was for coach only.
Again the blonde responded:
I'm blonde; I'm beautiful and I'm sitting in first class
The stewardess then went to the captain and explained to him what was going on.
The captain then came over to the blonde and told the blonde she would have to move to coach since her ticket was not for first class.
The blondes response was:
I'm blonde; I'm beautiful and I'm sitting in first class.
The captain then leaned over the blonde and whispered into her ear.
The blonde jumped up and ran to the back of the plane.
The stewardess approached the captain and asked him what he told her.
The captain said, "I told her first class was not going to Denver."


The Blonde and the Shepherd

There was a typical blonde. She had long blonde hair, blue eyes and she was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible.

She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the shepherd over. "That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said. "Well thank you.", said the shepherd. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the woman. "Okay.", replied the shepherd. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?", asked the woman. "Sure.", said the shepherd.

So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied,"382". "Wow.", said the shepherd, "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.

Then, the shepherd said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you". "What is it?", queried the woman. "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"


Short Jokes

There are 3 women at this bar. A blonde, a brunette and a red head. They walk into the women's bathroom. On the mirror, in small print, a note says, "If you say something honest about yourself, you will be rewarded. And if you lie, you will vanish forever."

The brunette says, "I think I have the most beautiful head of hair." Poof, she vanishes forever.

The red head says, "I think I have the most beautiful body."
Poof, she vanishes forever.

The blonde says, "I think..." Poof.


My boyfriend and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe' in Huntington Beach, CA. Our waitress looked like a real surfer girl: athletic with a great tan and blonde hair. Mulling over the menu, my guy asked her if the roast beef was rare.

The waitress gave us a stare and replied, "Well, no. We have it, like, just about every day."


A blonde walked into the pet store and, after looking up and down the aisles, asked the sales clerk for help.

"I'd like a box of birdseed," said the lady. "For which kind of bird?" he asked helpfully.

"Oh, I don't know," she replied. "Whichever one will grow the fastest."


A blonde goes for an interview and the first question she was asked is her age. There is a short pause as she counts on her fingers.... "22."

"Ok, what's your name?" Again there is a short pause as she bobs her head back and forth.... "Anita."

The interviewer is puzzled. "Ok, I understand the counting on your fingers for your age, but what's with the head bobbing when I asked your name?"

"Oh, you know... Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you...."



Jennifer (a blonde) had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.

"Pretty good, I think," replied Jennifer, "but if I go to work there I won't get a vacation until I'm married."

Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing. "Is that what they told you?"

"No", replied Jennifer, "but right on the application it said 'vacation time may not be taken until you've had your First Anniversary.'"


A blonde lady had just finished doing her CPR course and was on the lookout for a chance to try it out. As she left the shopping center she saw a man lying on the floor with a lot of people gathered around him.

Screaming, "I know first aid!" she ran to the person, threw her bag down, loosened all his tight clothing and got ready to start mouth-to-mouth.

At this stage a huge policeman tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Do you mind? I am trying to arrest this man."


Two blondes walk up to a perfume counter. The first one picks up a sample bottle, sprays it on her wrist, smells it, and says, "That's nice, don't you think, Tracey?"

Tracey says, "Yeah. What's it called, Sharon?"

Sharon says, "Viens a moi."

Tracey says, "Viens a moi? What's that mean?"

The store clerk says, "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'Come to me'."

Sharon takes another sniff and says, "That doesn't smell like come to me. Does it smell like come to you, Tracey?"



There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled on shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

The big three auto makers in Detroit were considering putting the high-beam dimmer switch back down on the floor, so they decided to take a poll. Among those polled were 1000 blondes.
The most frequent response was: "Well how the hell am I supposed to reach for it way down there?"


Hide and Seek

A blonde and her boyfriend were sitting at home one night and became bored.

"Hey, let's play a game" she said.

"What game?" was his bored reply.

"Let's play hide'n'seek. I'll give you a blow-job if you can find me."

"What if I can't find you?"

"I'll be behind the piano."


Why Don't You Try Nursing?

A very well-built young blonde was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was.

"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."

The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try."


OVERWEIGHT BLONDE

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from all that skipping."


BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde Aussie were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde Aussie said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"


SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"


THE VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


FINAL EXAM

The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The  moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my answers."


There is a blonde waitress at a hotel. One morning a customer was sitting at the table in the dining area, and said to the blonde: "I'd like a cup of coffee, no cream."

The waitress went to get the coffee, but after 2 minutes came back to ask, "I'm sorry sir, we are out of cream. Would you want your coffee without milk instead?"


A cop notices a blonde is walking around with her left breast exposed. Being a gentleman, he walks up to her and says, "Ma'am, your left breast is exposed."

The blonde looks down and screams, "OH MY GOD! I left the baby on the bus!!!!"


Proud and pleased as she could be, the petite young bride, Mrs. Stanford Summers, strode briskly up to the teller's cage at the bank to cash her husband's pay check for the first time. When the teller told her the check would have to be endorsed, the bride grabbed the pen and unhesitatingly wrote on the back, "I heartily recommend my husband, Mr. Stanford Summers."


A California highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the crowded freeway. Glancing at the car, the officer was astounded to see that the young blonde woman behind the wheel was knitting.

She was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, so the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO," the woman yelled back. "IT'S A SCARF!"


A blonde went into a bank to withdraw some money.

"Can you identify yourself?" asked the bank clerk.

The blonde pulls a mirror out of her handbag, looks into it and says, "Yes, it's me and I'm alright."


A young (blonde) graduate applied for a job. When she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went. "Pretty good, I think," she replied. "But if I go to work there I won't get a vacation until I'm married."

Her mother of course, had never heard of such a thing and asked, "Are you sure that's what they told you?

She replied, "No they didn't tell me that, but on the application it said vacation time may not be taken until you've had your First Anniversary."


The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a  family.

"We've been trying for months now, Doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.

"I'm sure we'll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her. "If you'll just take off your underpants and get up on the examining table."

"Well, all right, Doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby."


A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."


"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress walked into the bar.

"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course."

"What did you do?" asked the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"


A blonde brought an old picture of her dead husband, wearing a hat, to the photographer. She wanted to know if the photographer could remove the hat from the picture. He convinced her he could easily do that, and asked her what side of his head he parted his hair on.

"I forget," she said. "But you can see that for yourself when you take off his hat."


A blonde goes into a library and walks up to the counter.

The Librarian says "Yes...Can I help you?"

"I'd like a burger and fries please."

"I'm sorry sir, this is a library."

The blonde leans in and whispers "I'd like a burger and fries please."


Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her months to figure out she could use it at night.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"


Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ? It finally dawned on her.


A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.

On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.


How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand.



A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie." The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"

A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.
A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway.
"Miss, may I see your driver's license please?"
"Driver's license? What's that?..."
"It's a little card with your picture on it."
"Oh, duh! Here it is..."
"May I have your car insurance?"
"What's that?..."
"It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."
"Oh this? Duh! Here you go..."
The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims:
"Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"

Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then we could do without the ironing lady.

Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.


A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

What about the blonde guy whose wife gave birth to twins?

He wanted to know who the other man was...

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.


This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"


Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.


The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her. Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No ma. I can fuck and suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook."


Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.

Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!


A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!"

Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly."


A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.
"Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.
The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter
Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."

Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia...


A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!":

"I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"


A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender: "What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"

A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with.


Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this the other blonde replied "I know it, and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."


... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the slogan "Billions Served - just today"


I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting. She told me she didn't know how to cook them.

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.


Did you hear about the blonde who:
1 had more on her body than on her mind?
2 was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?
3 took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
4 got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
5 was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?
6 7 had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
8 thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
9 was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat?
10 after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
11 went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
12 brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?" "He was on top ", she replied. "You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question. "I was on top ", was the reply. "you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blond, burst into tears. "What's the matter ?" asked the doc. "Am I going to have puppies ?".....


Blondes...
They take a lickin', and keep on... Lickin!
bullet Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?

At a carwash in Burbank, there were two identical Hondas coming out at the same time. A beautiful blond woman jumps into one and takes off, leaving its owner rather perplexed. About three minutes later, she reappears at the car wash yelling, "who ripped off my car phone!"


A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex). She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?" "They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the tax." "Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on."

Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband." "Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk. "No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."


Another blonde in the porno shop:

She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before."
She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..."
She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...."
She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his just spent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."


Blonde Medical Terminology

bullet Anally -- occurring yearly
bullet Artery -- study of paintings
bullet Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
bullet Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
bullet Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
bullet Caesarian section -- district in Rome
bullet Cat scan -- searching for kitty
bullet Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
bullet Colic -- sheep dog
bullet Coma -- a punctuation mark
bullet Congenital -- friendly
bullet D&C -- where Washington is
bullet Diarrhea -- journal of daily events
bullet Dilate -- to live long
bullet Enema -- not a friend
bullet Fester -- quicker
bullet Fibula -- a small lie
bullet Genital -- non-Jewish
bullet G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
bullet Grippe -- suitcase
bullet Hangnail -- coathook
bullet Impotent -- distinguished, well known
bullet Intense pain -- torture in a teepee
bullet Labor pain -- got hurt at work
bullet Medical staff -- doctor's cane
bullet Morbid -- higher offer
bullet Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
bullet Node -- was aware of
bullet Outpatient -- person who had fainted
bullet Pap smear -- fatherhood test
bullet Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
bullet Post operative -- letter carrier
bullet Protein -- favoring young people
bullet Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
bullet Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
bullet Rheumatic -- amorous
bullet Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
bullet Secretion -- hiding anything
bullet Seizure -- Roman emperor
bullet Serology -- study of knighthood
bullet Tablet -- small tablet
bullet Terminal illness -- sickness at airport
bullet Tibia -- country in North Africa
bullet Tumor -- an extra pair
bullet Urine -- opposite of you're out
bullet Varicose -- located nearby
bullet Vein -- conceited

Imitation of a blonde refueling..

(Flap hand, blowing air into ears)


A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"

Person 1: What's the difference between a blonde and garbage?

Person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.

Person 1: Wrong. You tie the garbage up before you take it out.


Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?

"Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"


Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.?

Blonde: I don't know. Why?

Teller: It was easier to spell.

Blonde: Easier than what?


BULLETIN NO. 91-92

DATE: January 7, 1992

TO: All Ohio Insurance Agents

FROM: Ohio Department of Insurance

SUBJECT: Automobile Dimmer Switches

Pursuant to the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles Act No. 97-12, all motor vehicles sold in the State of Ohio after February 15, 1992, will be required to have the headlight dimmer switch mounted to the floorboard. The dimmer switch must be mounted in a position accessible to operation by pressing the switch by the left foot. The switch must be far enough removed from the left foot pedals to avoid inadvertent operation or pedal confusion.

Included in the above act and beginning June 1, 1992, all other vehicles with steering column mounted dimmer switches must be retrofitted with a floorboard mounted dimmer switch of the type described above. The steering column mounted dimmer switch must be disabled or removed from the vehicle.

Vehicles which have not made this change will fail the forthcoming Ohio Safety inspection program which will begin on this date.

It is recognized that this will cause some hardship for the driving public. However, this change is being made in the interest of public safety. Ohio DMV Act 92-13 will revert all Ohio motor vehicles to the prevalent dimmer system in use prior to the influx of foreign market vehicles. A recent study entitled the "Inflation Sequence in Ohio Nighttime Highway Traffic Accidents" was conducted jointly by the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles and the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicle Research. It has shown that 96% of all Ohio nighttime highway accidents are caused by a blonde getting her foot caught in the steering wheel........


A blonde working in an office is constantly being kidded about how dumb she is; so one evening she goes home and studies a map of the United States. The next day she goes into the office and announces that she knows all 50 states and their capitols. One of her office mates says, "OK, what's the capitol of Wyoming?" and the blonde replies, "W."