Bumper Stickers!
and Buttons and T-Shirts...

You can get Bumper Sticker Wisdom:
America' s Pulpit above the Tailpipe from Amazon.com:

Bumper Sticker Incites Beatings

Cleetis Hayseed of Twelve Toes, Arkansas had this lame bumper sticker on his car: "I May Be Slow, But I'm Ahead Of You." After enduring countless beatings, Cleetis cleverly contacted the company which offers the world's best-selling stickers: DARE To Keep Cops Off Donuts, Life is Short - Don't Be a Dick, Discourage Inbreeding - Ban Country Music, WHATEVER, I'd Rather Be Spanking The Monkey, and Your College Sucks.

Bumper Stickers 10/25/03

Contemplative Considerations 6/19/02

Some Interesting Thoughts 3/3/02

Seen on Actual T-Shirts

Bumper Stickers

If you always take time to stop and smell the roses...sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
STUPIDITY should be Painful
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy
Lord save me from your followers.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Atheism is a non-profit organization.
And on the 8th day, God sobered up.
Your College Sucks
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
I is a college student
I souport publik edekasion
If you think education is expensive, Try ignorance
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
You must be from the shallow end of the gene pool.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
He who laughs last thinks slowest
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Never get into an argument with the schizophrenic person and say, "Just who do you think you are?"
When she told me I was average, I figured she was just being mean.
Hire the Handicapped...We're fun to watch!!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
You laugh because Im different.... I laugh cause' your all the same!!
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Kill 'em all. Let God sort it out
Protected by .357 Magnum 3 days a week. You guess which 3
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Fight crime - Shoot back
Ever seen an UZI fired from a car window?
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
Clear the Road I AM SIXTEEN
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
I got this motor home for my wife. Best deal I ever made
Hang up and drive.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
This is Not an Abandoned Vehicle - on an old, rusted-out car with 2 plastic bags taped over where the rear windows used to be, parked in a shopping center.
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over..[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you
Don't wash this vehicle - Undergoing scientific dirt test
My other car is a broom. (Found at a witches shop in NYC)
My Wife's other car is a broom!
I SWERVE to HIT People at Random!
I brake for no apparent reason
I don't brake.
Warning! I brake for hallucinations
Don't laugh, your daughter may be inside - (on a custom van)
Honk If You Want To See My Finger
Honk if you love me
Honk if you’re horny
Honk if you are just a honker
Honk all you want, I'm deaf
Keep honking, I'm reloading
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk If Anything Falls Off
Horn broken - watch for finger
Nothing to lose (on an old rusted out Pontiac)
Don't follow me, I'm lost
If you can read this sticker, I can slam on my brakes and claim damages from you
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
Talk is Cheap - until you hire a lawyer.
Forget the Flag. Burn a Politician.
I love my country. It's the government that pisses me off.
Don't be stupid. We have politicians for that.
Nothing political is correct.
First Hilary, then Jennifer - now us
Do you trust a government that doesn't trust you with guns?
Dole for Pineapple.
Buy American while there is still time
The road to hell is paved with republicans
The road to hell is paved with democrats
Empty the prisons - Make room for congress
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
I'm shy, but I have a big dick
500,000 battered women and I'm still eating mine plain
Nice guys finish last and bring you breakfast in bed.
Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?
You'll need to know my name. You'll be screaming it later.
I lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in.
I can hold my own. But I'd rather hold yours.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Wink, I'll do the rest!
Will work for food - Will beg for sex
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Discourage Inbreeding - Ban Country Music
Boldly Going Nowhere
Metaphors be with you
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Unless you're the lead dog, the view doesn’t change
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken
Dogs think they're human. Cats think they're gods.
Save the Dolphins. What did the cows do wrong?
Help wanted-telepath: you know where to apply
I still miss my wife, But my aim is improving
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him/her sleep.
Help! I Farted and can't roll down my windows!
What if the whole world FARTED at the same time?
What part of "No" don't you understand?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film
When all else fails manipulate the data
A day without sunshine is like, night.
Love thy neighbor, but don't brag about it
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
Avenge Yourself - Be a problem to your children
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Why be difficult - Be impossible
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Make the world a better place; kill a bigot
The first boat people were white
God created Whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world
When I grow up, I wanna be just like Barbie. That BITCH has EVERYTHING!
Wanna get laid? Crawl up a chicken's ass and wait!
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
Been There - Shit Happened
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !
Visualize Whirled Peas
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Procrastinators Unite!... Tomorrow (my personal favorite, seen attached to a telephone pole many years ago)
Dyslexics Untie!
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
My reality check bounced
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most
Are you stoned or just stupid?
I gave up drinking, smoking and sex - Worst 15 minutes of my life
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory
If the music's too loud you're too old
Subvert the Dominant Paradigm
My karma ran over my dogma
Chicken Little was Right!
Born to Shop
We're Spending our Kids Inheritance
If you're rich, I'm single
I want to die in my sleep like grandpa. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car!
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Auntie Em, Hate you; Hate Kansas; Taking the dog. --Dorothy.
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
I am not a bum - My wife works
I am not unemployed I am a consultant
I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?
Don't Start With Me. You Know How I Get.
A good day is when the shit hits the fan and I have time to duck.
Give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician
Humpty Dumpty didn't fall...he was pushed.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
All you need is a sick mind and a healthy body.
Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.
Oh sure. But what's the speed of dark?
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Don't miss today worrying about tomorrow.
I think therefore we have nothing in common.
With my life I could be on all of Oprah's shows.
Computers help us to do stupid things faster.
Welcome to California. Now Go Home.
Don't Californicate Oregon.
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
My Hockey Mom Can Kick Your Soccer Mom's Ass!
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
All men are idiots....I married their king
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

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Contemplative Considerations

How is it possible to have a civil war?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
What happens when none of your bees wax?
Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
And, whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

and...

  • Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
  • If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
  • Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
  • Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your ass?
  • Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
  • If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
  • Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
  • Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
  • If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
  • Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?
  • Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
  • Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
  • Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
  • What do people in China call their good plates?
  • Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
  • If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
  • Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?

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Some Interesting Thoughts

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I live in my own little world, but it's ok they know me here.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Implants?
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.
Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea...
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes,.make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!!
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits  on the highway?
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for  Miss America?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:  "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
A crowded elevator smells different to a midget

Seen on Actual T-Shirts

Found Printed on actual T-Shirts....

1. "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it."

3. "I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!"

4. "Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them."

5. "I used to have a handle on life, but it broke."

6. "Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive."

7. "You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me."

8. "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder."

9. "Earth ... is the insane asylum for the universe."

10. "NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room spinning medicine."

11. "I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing."

12. "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

13. "I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather....not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."

14. "God must love stupid people, he made so many of them."

15. "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

16. "It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you."

17. "I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

18. "Consciousness: That annoying time between naps."

19. "Ever stop to think and forget to start again?"

20. "Beer - the reason I get up each afternoon!"

21. "I must be a proctologist because I work with buttheads!"

22. "That's it! I'm calling Nana!" (seen on an 8-year old).

23. up.? grew I when be to wanted things the of one not was

24. "Procrastinate..... now."

25. "Rehab..... is for quitters."

26. "My dog....can lick anyone."

27. "I have a degree in liberal arts - Do you want fries with that?"

28. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt).

29. "Finally 21, and legally able to do everything I've been doing since I was 15."

30. "Arkansas: One million people and 15 last names."

31. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."

32. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN."

33. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes."

34. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."

35. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"

36. "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music."

37. "They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken."

38. "He who dies with the most toys is none-the-less dead."

39. "Time is fun when you're having flies"...Kermit the Frog.

40. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN....Cops have nothing to go on."

41. "FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."

42. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH."

43. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig."

44. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."

45. "The trouble with life is there's no background music."

46. "The original point and click interface was a Smith &Wesson."

47. "MOP AND GLOW - The floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team."

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