Canadian
Humor
Two
Canadians in a Bar
Two Canadians are
sitting in a bar bored out of their minds.
One of them leans
over and says, "Ay, why don't we play 20 questions, ay?"
The second one says,
"OK, ay."
The first one tries
to think of a word and finally thinks up "Moose Cock".
The second thinks
a moment, and for his first clue asks, "Ay, can you eat it, ay?"
The first guy rubs
his chin and says, "Ay, I guess so, ay."
The second guy goes,
"Is it a moose cock?"
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Canadian,
American and Two Women on a Train
In a train car there
were a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully
awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens
to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is
heard. When they leave the tunnel, the American had a big red slap mark
on his cheek.
The blonde thought
- "That American son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake,
he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped
his face."
The fat lady thought
- "This dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked
him".
The American thought
- "That bastard Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake
she slapped me".
The Canadian thought
- "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid
American again".
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Indian
Hunting in Canada
A Canadian and an
American were hunting in Canadian woods when an Indian runs across the
field and the Canadian shoots him in the back and kills him. "You
can't do that!" cried the American. "No, no, it's legal
here in Canada" replies the Canadian.
Later that night the American goes and buys some beer and puts it on the
roof of his truck to open the door. Just then an Indian runs by,
grabs the beer, and runs away. The American thinks "No problem"
and he shoots him in the back and kills him. As he is getting his
beer the police come and arrest him. "But I thought it was
legal to shoot Indians here in Canada!" protests the American.
"Well yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."
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Three
Canadians and Three Americans on a Train
Three Canadians and
three Americans are traveling by train to a hockey game. At the
station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians
buy only a single ticket. "How are you three guys going to travel
on only one ticket?" asks one American. "Watch and you'll
see" answers one of the Canadians.
They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but
all three Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting
tickets.
He knocks on the bathroom door and says " Ticket please." The
door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans see this and agree
it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the
Canadian's trick on the return trip and save some money (being clever
with money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return
trip. To their astonishment, the Canadians don't buy any tickets
at all! "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says
one perplexed American. "Watch and you'll see" answers a Canadian.
When they board the train the three Americans cram into one bathroom and
the three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby. Once the train
leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves their bathroom and walks
over to the bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door,
and says "Tickets, please!"
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Recycling
- Canadian Style
An American is at a restaurant one morning having his coffee and a croissant
with jam, when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The
American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Canadian: "Do you Americans eat the whole bread, eh?"
American: "Of course we do."
Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Canada, we
only eat what's inside, eh. The crusts are collected in a container, recycled
into croissants, and sold to America, eh."
The Canadian has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence.
The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread, eh?"
American: "Of Course we do."
Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We
don't, eh. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all
the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform
them into jam and sell the jam to America, eh."
The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?"
Canadian: "Why of course we do, eh", the Canadian says with
a big smirk on his face.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Canadian: "We throw them away, eh."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle
them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to Canada."
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One-Liners
Q: What
do the McKenzie brothers, Prime Minister Mulrooney and the Canadian navy
have in common ?
A: They drink enough to float the crown!
Q: What's
the difference between a woman from Canada and a Canadian hockey player?
A: The hockey player showers after every period.
Q: What do a Goal Keeper and a Quebec girl have in common?
A: Both change their pads after three periods.
Q: What's
the difference between Canada and The U.S?
A: In the U.S., Moosehead is a beer. In Canada, it's a sexual offense.
Q: Why
don't Newfoundlanders let they're women swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell off the fish!
Q: What
did the Canadian say after he was born?
A: No shit, eh?
Q. Why do Canadians like to do it doggie style?
A. So they can both keep watching the hockey game.
Q: Did
you hear about the guy with a map of Canada tattooed on his ass?
A: Every time he sits down, Quebec separates!
Q: Do you know how the first Newfie got to Toronto?
A: He was playing hockey on the St. Lawrence River and he got a breakaway!
Q: Do
you know why Canadian women don't use vibrators?
A: Because it chips their teeth!
A Canadian takes his snow plough to the mechanic to get it fixed.
The mechanic draws in breath and says, "It looks like you have blown
a seal."
The Canadian replies, "Nah, that's just icicles on my mustache!"
Q: What
are the two main political parties in Canada?
A: Moose and Squirrel.
Q: What do
urine samples and Canadian beer have in common?
A: The taste.
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American
and Canadian Fishing
A Canadian and an American go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment
- the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even
a cabin in the woods.
The first day they go fishing they don't catch anything. The same thing
happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this
until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches
a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. The American turns to
the Canadian and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we
caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The Canadian says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any
more!"
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An
Ontarian Undergoes Surgery to be a Newfie
There once was an Ontarian who's life long dream it was to be a Newfie.
One day, the man finally got the guts to go and see his doctor about it.
The doctor examined him and gave him the prognosis, "Well, if you
really want to be a Newfie there is a surgery I can perform, but I have
to remove 1/3 of your brain." The Ontarian was so excited,
he agreed to do it right away.
During the surgery however, the doctor's hand slipped. The doctor was
so upset that he sat next to the man in the recovery room until he woke
up. Finally the Ontarian woke up. The doctor immediately explain
what happened, and told the Ontarian, "I am so sorry sir, my hand
slipped during the surgery and I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain
instead of 1/3."
The Ontarian looked confused and replied "Que ce que vous dit monsuier?"
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Canadian
Stereotypes
Here
is a run-down on the stereotypical people from each Canadian province:
British
Columbia
Alberta
Saskatchewan
Manitoba
Ontario
Quebec
New Brunswick
Nova Scotia
Prince Edward Island
Newfoundland
Nunavut
Yukon |
Pot
smokers
Hicks and rednecks
Drunks and grain farmers
Who cares!
Shitty drivers
Frenchy Frogs
Straight out of the Bob McKenzie skits
Fisherman and women that smell like fisherman
Ann of Green Gables people (stuck in the 1800s)
People here are dumber than oxes and talk funny
Natives, most likely drunk
Gold diggers |
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to the Top
Canada
Needs 1,000,000 Condoms
Canadian Prime Minister
Jean Chretien called U.S. President Bill Clinton with a pressing emergency:
"Our larj-ist condom fact-ery has as-ploded!" the Canadian
Prime Minister cried. "Es Canada's favorite form of birth control!
This is no guud!"
"Mr. Chretien, the American people feel your pain. We'll do
everything in our power to help our good neighbors to the north,"
replied Mr. Clinton
"We du need your 'elp," said Chretien. "Could you pos-a-bly
send us 1,000,000 con-doms to 'elp my pi-pel?"
"No problem, Jean! We'll get right on it," said
Mr. Clinton.
.
"Oui, 'an one small favour, Mr. President?" asked Mr. Chretien.
"What's that, my friend."
"Could you make 'dem in blanc 'n rouge, with an image of a maple
leaf on 'dem, and be at least 25cm long and 10cm in diameter?" asked
Chretien.
"You'll have 'em in a jiffy," replied the President, and with
that Clinton hung up and called the president of Trojan.
"My friend, I need a favor. You've got to make 1,000,000 condoms
right away, not for me this time, but for my Canadian friends."
"Consider it done," said the president of Trojan.
"That's great, my friend! They need to be white and red, with an
maple leaf image printed on each one. They have to be 25cm, which
is roughly 10-inches, in length and 10cm, which is roughly 4-inches, in
diameter," noted President Clinton.
"That's easily done, sir. Will there be anything else?"
"Oh, yah," said the President Clinton, "print on the side
'MADE IN AMERICA, size MEDIUM!"
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Selling
Idiots
A couple of Torontonians
just closed down their store on busy Yonge Street and are standing in
the middle of their empty shop when one says to the other, "I'll
bet you ten bucks that if we wait here a few minutes, some Newfie is going
to come by, peer through the window, and come in and ask us what we're
selling."
Sure enough, just as he finishes speaking, a Newfie sticks his face up
to the window, looks around at the empty shelves and then walks in to
say, "How's she goin, b'y. I was just wonderin' what you fellas was
sellin'?"
One of the Torontonians grins at the other and replies, "We're selling
idiots, sir," to which the Newfie responds, "Well, ya must be
doin' some good business 'cause dere's only two o' ya left."
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Welcome
to Canada
When you cross the
Canadian/U.S. border on your way south into the U.S., you can see a sign
stating:
"Welcome to the USA: We've got Bob Hope Johnny Cash and Stevie Wonder!"
On the reverse side of the sign, as you enter north on your way back into
Canada, the sign reads:
"Welcome to Canada; Here we have no Hope, no Cash...no Wonder!
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Passing
the Intelligence Test
Last week, Prime
minister Jean Chretien called U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney and he asked
him, "Why the hell did you take George W. Bush as your Presidential
candidate?"
Dick replied, "He passed the intelligence test."
Chretien asked, "What was that test?"
Cheney answered, "I asked him 'If your mother has a baby and it's
not your brother and not your sister, who is it'?" And Dubya answered,
"It's me!" So Cheney hired him.
"Great test," says Jean, "I'll try it on my finance minister."
So he asks Paul Martin the same question. Paul says, "Well, can I
give you an answer in a day or two?"
"No problem," answers Jean.
Paul is completely in the dark so he asks James Scott Peterson, Secretary
of State (International Financial Institutions) the same question. James
answers, "It's me, of course!"
Excitedly, Paul goes back to Jean and tells him, "I've got
the answer to your question, 'if my mother has a baby who is neither my
brother or my sister'--it's James Scott Peterson!"
Shaking his head, Jean says, "You idiot! It's not you, it's
George W. Bush!"
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Avoiding
the Long Walk to the Outhouse
There was a man
who lived in Canada named Brian and he had a house right in town.
No indoor plumbing, and the closest outhouse was quite a ways from the
main house.
As he got older, the trip to the outhouse in the middle of the night got
to be too much for him so he would go off the front porch and save himself
the long walk in the cold.
Well, this upset his wife and so she had a little talk with him.
She patiently explained that he shouldn't do that because the neighbors
would see him and know what he was doing.
She made him promise to not do it anymore and they both said "eh"
to the pact.
Well, it turned extremely cold and he had to go in the worst way in the
middle of the night, so he got up and went outdoors.
He came back pretty fast and his wife said to him, "You weren't gone
very long, you went off the porch again, eh?"
He could not lie to her, so he confessed. "Eh, yep, Emmie, I did."
She sighed and said, "Ya know, the neighbors will know it was you
and what you were doing out there!"
Brian replied, "Nah, they won't know it was me. I squatted
down!"
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A
New Canadian's Diary
Dear Diary:
Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's
so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly
wait to see them with snow covering them.
Oct. 14 - Canada--it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves
have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a
ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer.
They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on
earth. This must be paradise. I love it here!
Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine
anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon.
I love it here!
Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed
with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and
cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had
a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to
shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love
Canada!
Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again
to the driveway. I love it here.
Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway
to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shoveling.
Fucking snow plough.
Dec. 22 - More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters
on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plough
hides around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole.
Dec. 25 - Merry Fucking Christmas! More frigging snow. If
I ever get my hands on the sonovabitch who drives the snow plough, I swear
I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on
the roads to melt the fucking ice.
Dec. 27 - More white shit last night. Been inside for three days
now except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goes
through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain
of white shit and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to
expect another 10 inches of the shit again tonight. Do you know
how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?
Dec. 28 - That fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of
the shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer.
The snow plough got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door
and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already
broken six shovels shoveling out all the shit he had pushed into my driveway,
I damn near broke my last one over his fucking head.
Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to
get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car.
Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should
be killed. The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had
exterminated them all last November.
May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the
thing is rusted out from all that fucking salt they put all over the roads.
May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right
mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada!
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Brian
and a Newfie Kill a Moose
Brian and his Newfie
friend went hunting. They drove their truck as close to the woods as they
could get it, got out and shot a moose. They decided to leave it
while they hunted a little longer.
By the time they returned, the animal was frozen. They started pulling
it to the truck by its tail. The frozen tail broke off. They stood there
trying to figure out how to get it to the truck. A Mountie came
by and asked them what the problem was. They explained. The Mountie
offered a solution. "Why don't you pull it by the antlers?"
They were pretty disgusted with that dummy. "We're not going
in that direction" they snarled at him.
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Englishman, Canadian, American About to be Shot
An Englishman, a
Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists.
The terrorist leader said: "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed
last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."
The Englishman replied: "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to
the crown."
The Canadian replied: "Since you are involved in a question of national
purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history
of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society
and uniqueness within diversity."
The American replied: "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."
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Raccoon
Hunter Shoots Himself in Eye
A Canadian man accidentally
shot himself in the head while hunting raccoons. David Ridell, aged 35,
is in a serious condition in hospital and may lose an eye.
It's thought he lost his footing and shot himself with the .22 caliber
rifle. He was trying to kill raccoons in his uncle's barn in north
Burlington, Ontario. Mr. Ridell managed to walk back to his uncle's
home after dropping the rifle which fired into his left eye.
"He's a lucky boy," Halton Regional Police Detective Sergeant
Joe Barker told The Toronto Sun. "If it was to go in and hit
the brain stem, he would most likely die ... It appears he lost his footing,"
Sergeant Barker said.
Mr. Ridell is said to be experienced in handling guns. His condition is
described as serious.
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Proud to be Canadian
Proud to be Canadian,
Eh ? So, what do Canadians have to be proud of?
1. Smarties (What M & M's imitate)
2. Crispy Crunch & Coffee Crisp
3. The size of our footballs fields and one less Down
4. Baseball is Canadian
5. Lacrosse is Canadian
6. Hockey is Canadian
7. Basketball is Canadian
8. Apple pie is Canadian
9. Mr. Dress-up kicks Mr. Rogers ass
10. Tim Hortons kicks Dunkin' Donuts ass
11. In the war of 1812, started by America, Canadians pushed Americans
back...past their 'White House'. Then we burned it... and most of Washington,
under the command of William Lyon McKenzie who was insane and hammered
all the time. We got bored because they ran away, so we came home
and partied ... Go figure.!!!!!!!!!!!
12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to
Germany.
13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered
or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere.
14. Our civil war was a bar fight that lasted a little over an hour.
15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American
mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole
thing...but showed up just in time to get caught.
16. We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.
17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface
and is still around as the worlds oldest company.
18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in
under 3 minutes.
19. We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.
20. We don't marry our kin-folk.
21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin,
zambonis, the telephone and short wave radios
that save countless lives each year.
22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell
about it.
BUT MOST IMPORTANT!
23. The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands in...with
mitts on.
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A
Little Genie Joke
A guy from Quebec
and a guy from Ontario are fighting over a lantern when a genie pops out
and grants them each one wish.
The Quebecer says, "I want a wall around Quebec to protect my culture.
Make it about 150 feet high, so nothing can get in or out."
"It is done," says the genie, turning to the other guy. "And
your wish?"
The guy from Ontario smiles and says, "Fill it with water."
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The Origin of Canada's Name
The Spanish Conquistadors
were making a map of their colonies (they owned all of America, South
and North). They started drawing in the lines from down south -- territory
they knew well -- and worked their way up.
Everything was going fine until they got north of the Great Lakes. "Hey,
what's up there," the map maker asked the governor?
The governor answered: "Here? (in Spanish: "Aca?"). Nothing
(in Spanish: "Nada"). Hence the great blank emptiness became
known as ACA-NADA, or in English, "There ain't nothin' there."
Which, as anyone who has lived in Canada will testify, is pretty darned
close to the truth. Eh?
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Walking
Down the Street With a Case of Beer
Doug, eh, a Canadian,
is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His
friend Brian, a mutt from Nova Scotia and the most proud fucked-up Canadian
walking the earth, stops him and asks, "Hey Doug! Whatcha get
the case of beer for, eh?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade, eh."
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Canada
Develops a Zero Gravity Pen
The Canadians wanted
to find a writing implement that could be used in space.
It took 200 engineers and they spend over $2 billion to finally invent
a space pen. This pen could write in zero gravity and the ink would still
flow. The Canadians proudly announced their success and congratulations
flowed in from all over the world.
In a short note to the Canadians, NASA congratulated them, but said that
they too had found a solution at a fraction of the cost. They remarked,
"We use a pencil!"
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A
Newfie Buying a Car to Get Back Home
Did you hear about the Newfie who wanted to get back to Newfoundland from
Toronto?
A salesman was showing him cars to drive back. They all were too
expensive except for one, but salesman told the Newfie that it didn't
have any reverse gear.
The Newfie said, "Bye Jaysus, bye, that's alright! I don't
plan on coming back!"
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Asking
Directions in Saskatoon
An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost. Finally
they cane into some city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so the
gentleman pulled up to the curb, and the lady let down her window and
asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"
The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said, "We
really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"
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Three
Guys About to be Executed
There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander.
They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all
three were to be executed that night, that they would each get to choose
the method by which they would die. Their choices were: lethal injection,
electric chair, or by hanging.
The American was afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged. The American
chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the
switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens
a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again
nothing happened so they set him free.
The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and didn't want to be
hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't
work and he was free.
Next it was the Newfoundlanders turn to pick how he was to be executed.
He said "I'm afraid of needles, the electric chair won't work so
you're going to have to hang me."
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Hunters
Take Too Many Moose on a Plane
Two Canadian
hunters hire a small plane to take them to a remote area of Alaska. Upon
dropping off the hunters, the pilot tells them, "Remember only one
moose, because the plane wouldn't be able to take off with more weight
than that."
The hunters go off. A week later when the plane returns to pick
them up, the two hunters are standing by the lake with two moose.
The pilot is aggravated: "I told you guys only one moose! You'll
have to leave one because we won't be able to take off with that much
weight."
"Oh, c'mon," beg the two hunters, "Last year, the pilot
let us take two moose on, you're just a chicken."
Not wanting to be accused of being a coward, the pilot allows the two
to bring both moose on the craft. The plane starts across the lake,
straining to take off. The pilot tries and tries to keep the plan
airborne, but to no avail. He begins a tailspin and the plane crashes
into the trees on the shore of the lake.
A while later after coming to, one of the Canadian hunters gets up and
looks at all the scattered debris of the wreck and says, "Where are
we?" To which the other Canadian hunter replies, "Oh,
I'd say about a hundred yards further than last year!"
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How
to Converse With a Canadian
To have
a proper conversation with a Canadian, you must learn the idiosyncrasies
of our language. A good start would be to always ask the 5 W's:
- Whore?
- Water?
- Wearer?
- Winner?
- Wire?
And sometimes:
- Howard?
- Wide? or
- Hoosier?
For example:
Whore ya looking at, eh?
. . . . .
Water ya doing with my beer, eh?
. . . . .
Hey! Wearer ya going with my beer ya hoser?
. . . . .
Winner ya gonna bring me another beer, eh?
. . . . .
Wire ya drinking all my beer?
. . . . .
or...
Howard 'em beers comin' eh?
. . . . .
Wide you drink all my beers?
. . . . .
Hoosier Daddy?
On second thought, you don't need to ask questions, just talk about beer,
eh!
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Canadian
Temperature Guide
(degrees are in Fahrenheit)
50 above - New Yorkers turn on the heat. Canadians plant gardens.
40 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians sunbathe.
35 above - Italian cars won't start. Canadians drive with the windows
down.
32 above - Distilled water freezes. Canadian water gets thicker.
20 above - Florida's wear coats, gloves & wool hats. Canadians throw
on T-shirts.
15 above - Californians begin to evacuate the state. Canadians go swimming.
0 - New York landlords finally turn up the heat. Canadians have the
last cook-out before it gets cold.
10 below - People in Miami cease to exist. Canadians lick flag poles.
20 below - Californians fly away to Mexico. Canadians throw on a light
jacket.
40 below - Hollywood disintegrates. Canadians rent videos.
60 below - Mt. St. Helen's freezes. Canadian Girl Guides begin selling
cookies door to door.
80 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Canadian Boy Scouts
postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
100 below - Santa Clause abandons the North Pole. Canadians pull down
their ear flaps.
173 below - Ethyl alcohol freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they
can't thaw their kegs.
287 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products. Canadian cows complain
of farmers with cold hands.
460 below - ALL atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying "Cold
nuf for ya, eh?"
500 below - Hell freezes over. The Vancouver Canucks win the Stanley Cup!
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Bob
Goes to a Brothel in Florida
Bob, a middle-aged
Canadian tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red
light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated
and sends over a young lady to entertain him.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she
sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing
this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she
sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!"
and walks quickly away.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something
so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She
decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never
said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam
sends her over to Bob. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit,
drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams,
"NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in
all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work
herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything
a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants
that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her
employees a lesson.
So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and
is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink
and then she sits in his lap.
Bob leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian
currency?"
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Rejected
Canadian Provincial Slogans
NEWFOUNDLAND AND LABRADOR
"Lard Tunderin', Lamp-Lightin', Jesus"
NOVA SCOTIA
"Our Province is Really Hard for Grade Schoolers to Draw"
PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
"Spuds? We Got Spuds Comin' Out Our Arses!"
NEW BRUNSWICK
"Property of K.C. Irving"
QUEBEC
"Grudgingly Part of Canada -- For Now"
ONTARIO
"As Far As We're Concerned, Canada Stops At Our Provincial
Borders"
MANITOBA
"Uncomfortably Close to Ontario"
SASKATCHEWAN
"Unlike Nova Scotia, OUR Province is Really Easy for Grade
Schoolers to Draw"
ALBERTA
"Grudgingly Part of Canada -- For Now"
BRITISH COLUMBIA
"Canadian Home of the Dope Smoking, Granola Munchers"
YUKON TERRITORIES
"Don't Forget Us When the Americans Invade"
NORTHWEST TERRITORIES
"You Can Ride our Black Flies"
NUNAVUT
"No, We Don't Live in Igloos, You Moron"
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The
P.M. Visits Moose Jaw
The Prime
Minister of Canada, Jean Chretien, is making an official state visit to
Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan. All the locals are quite excited to have the
Prime Minister come to their town for the first time ever, and they've
prepared quite a welcome for him.
When he steps
off of the plane, everyone is quite taken aback to see the P.M., while
dressed otherwise quite normally, looking especially resplendent in a
magnificent fox hat-like a Daniel Boone coonskin, only made of fox.
The cameras
are clicking away as he steps off the plane. After the official greetings
are over, and the mayor of Moose Jaw has a private moment with the P.M.
away from the cameras and onlookers, he finally unleashes his curiosity.
"Excuse
me, Mr. Prime Minister, but I must ask. I have never seen you wearing
this magnificent fox hat before, and I wonder why you chose to wear it
to our humble town?"
The P.M.
replies: "Well, monsieur mayor, eh, 'dat is quite simple, you see.
When I was leaving da 'ouse dis morning, I said to my wife, 'Aline,' I
said, 'Aline, I am going to Moose Jaw for dah firs' time today! Do you
thank I should wear uh anythang speshal in honour of dis anaugural visit?'
And Aline, my wife, she said to me 'Moose Jaw? Where da fock's 'at?'"
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Telling Tall Tales
An Aussie, a Yank and
a Canadian were telling tall tales.
The Aussie
said, "In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day
to be shorn."
The Yank
said, "That's nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks
have to be turned with a fork lift."
The Canadian
said, "That's nothing, we have women with pussies this big,"
and he stretched his hands as wide as they'd go.
"How
do you screw them then?" asked the Yank.
"They
stretch," said the Canadian.
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Canada's
Report on Elephants
An international
symposium on elephants was convened. Every nation in the world was represented
and was expected to deliver a report on elephants.
Germany contributed
a report: "The Elephant -- A War Machine."
France's
report was typically: "The Love Life of an Elephant."
America saw
the economic values in: "Raising Elephants for Fun and Profit."
Great Britain
had their own unique view: "The Elephant and the British Empire."
The Canadian
report was, of course, typically Canadian... "The Elephant: A Federal
or Provincial Responsibility?"
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the Top
Helping
Out the US in the War on Terrorism
Canadians
have helped America with the war against terrorism.
They have
pledged two of their biggest battleships, six-hundred ground troops, and
six fighter jets.
After the
American exchange rate, America ended up with two Mounties, a canoe and
a bunch of flying squirrels.
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A
Canadian Apology to the U.S.A.
Courtesy
of Rick Mercer from This Hour Has 22 Minutes CBC Television:
"On
behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United
States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and
for that, I am truly sorry.
I'm sorry
we called George Bush a moron.
He is a moron
but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the
fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America.
After all it's not like you actually elected him.
I'm sorry
about our softwood lumber.[ Just because we have more trees than you doesn't
give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your
own.
I'm sorry
we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would
be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.
I'm sorry
we burnt down your white house during the war of 1812. I notice you've
rebuilt it! It's Very Nice.
I 'm sorry
about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but, we Feel
your Pain.
I'm sorry
about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed
dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side. I realize it took
more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that
was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.
And finally
on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing
for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled
criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen
what you do to countries you get upset with.
Thank you."
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Learning
to Understand Canadians
To have a
proper conversation with a Canadian, you must learn the idiosyncrasies
of our language. A good start would be to always ask the 5 W's:
- Whore?
- Water?
- Wearer?
- Winner?
- Wire?
And sometimes:
- Howard?
- Wide? or
- Hoosier?
For example:
Whore ya
looking at, eh?
. . . . .
Water ya doing with my beer, eh?
. . . . .
Hey! Wearer ya going with my beer ya hoser?
. . . . .
Winner ya gonna bring me another beer, eh?
. . . . .
Wire ya drinking all my beer?
. . . . .
or...
Howard 'em
beers comin' eh?
. . . . .
Wide you drink all my beers?
. . . . .
Hoosier Daddy?
On second
thought, you don't need to ask questions, just talk about beer, eh!
=================
It has come
to my attention that some people are having a tough time understanding
Canadians like myself. So I am going to run through a very brief translation
of the Canadian dialect and hopefully ease some minds out there.
EH= pronounced
AY (similar but not the same as huh)
Eh is a useful
word that is very important and is the basis of all Canadian communications.
It is used in conjunction with other words, or simply by itself. The tone
or the slight difference in exclamations also changes the meaning.
Eh= what
did you say?
Eh?= what do you think
EH?= something to say just to end a sentence
Eh!!=
WOW!!
EH!?= what do you mean?
Eh??= you’re joking!!!??
EH!!= Hello..you off in the distance!!!
Eh?= want a donut?
Eh!= sure!!
Eh!Eh!= coffee double cream too
Please!
Eh?= what you say when you realize you have no money to
pay for it
Eh..cmon eh?= asking them to let you pay for it next time.
hey..eh!= want to go to the drive in
Movie??
Eh...uhuh= yes sure!
Eh..y'know= Ill pick you up at 8
Eh..cmon!!= well that’s early..but ok
Eh..wanna?eh?= lets fool around
EHHHHHHH= sounds coming from the
Car
hey..um..er eh...= I’m pregnant
EH?????????= how did that happen?
EHHehhEHHehhEHHH= sounds from the delivery room
EHHH ehh EHHH ehh= baby’s first
Cry
Ehh..whadya think eh?= marry me
Other useful
terms:
hoser= a good friend..
take off!= you are kidding, no way, fly an airplane
skates= what all Canadians wear as first shoes (that's why
we walk funny)
lumberjack= something in our genes..
screech= a nice drink
swish= a drink made from leftover screech barrels
The Rock=
Newfoundland
Newfoundland= pronounced noofunlan
Dory= Newfoundland cruise liner
Toronto= pronounced Trawna
Lake Ontario= where all sewers drain into
Yukon= a drink
Two Four= case of beer
sixty pounder= large bottle of screech
Overby= still haven’t deciphered that term yet
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Land
Dispute with the U.S.
An elderly
woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North
Dakota border.
Their land
had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and
Canada for years.
The widowed
woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day,
her son came into her room holding a letter. 'I just got some news, Mom,'
he said. 'The government has come to an agreement with the people in North
Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States.
We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you
think?'
'What do
I think?' his mother said. 'Sign it! Call them right now and tell them
we accept! I don't think I can stand another Canadian winter!'
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Top
10 Reasons to Live in Nova Scotia
1. The only
place in North America to get bombed in the war...by a moron who set a
munitions ship on fire.
2. Your province is shaped like male genitalia.
3. Everyone is a fiddle player.
4. If someone asks if you're a Newfie, you are allowed to kick their ass.
5. The local hero is an insane, fiddle playing, sexual pervert.
6. The province that produced Rita MacNeil, the world's largest land mammal.
7. You are the reason Anne Murray makes money.
8. You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to wear a kilt.
9. The economy is based on fish, lobster, and fiddle music.
10. Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered
Canada's most beautiful city.
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The
'See If You're Canadian' Quiz
- If you
hear the name "Elvis" and immediately think of figure skating,
give yourself one point.
- If you
hear the name "Marilyn" and immediately think of swimming Lake
Ontario, give yourself five points.
- If you
hear the name "Preston" and immediately think of Lee "pressed-on"
nails, subtract six points.
- If you
wear an "Anarchy Now!" T-shirt, but get mad when guests come
over and don't use the coasters, add 1 point.
- If you
own a "Canadian Girls Kick Ass" T-shirt: one point.
- If you
can ask the operator to look up a number in Dildo, Newfoundland, without
feeling an embarrassment, give yourself one point..
- If you
can stop for gas in Climax, Saskatchewan, and not make any wisecracks:
add three points.
- If you
understand the Auto Pact: add five points.
- No, you
don't: minus six points.
- If you
think Jim Carrey is funnier than Mike Myers, add one point.
- But both
of them are funnier than Tom Green, add 2 points.
- If you
have no idea who Tom Green is: deduct three points, and congratulations
on your new position as head of talent development at the CBC.
Now, total
up all your points. If your point total is a positive number, congratulations:
you're a full-blooded Canadian. If your point total is less than zero,
we also congratulate you--you're a red-blooded Newfoundlander!
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Canadian
Occupational Hazards
(real maladies as reported in the Atlas of Occupational Markers in Human
Remains and the Journal of the American Medical Association)
HOOKER'S ELBOW: No, it's not what you think. Hooker's elbow is a bone
spur common among fisherman, the Inuit in particular, caused by the constant
yanking of a line while standing stationary.
MUSHER'S
KNEE: A bone deformation caused by pushing off on a dogsled using the
same leg again and again.
BEER-DRINKER'S
FINGER: A swelling in the finger, sometimes accompanied by bruising and
lacerations, caused by the repeated opening of beer tabs. (Switching to
twist-offs doesn't help either, because all you're doing is swapping one
malady for another.) Again, this is a real affliction-we kid you not!
MAL DE RAQUETTE:
Stress and chronic pain in the knees and hips caused by wearing snowshoes.
HUMPER'S
LUMP: A strain or even outright dislocation of the lower neck that afflicts
lumberjacks and lumber carriers.
PADDLER"S
TOE: A deformation of foot joints that plagues long-distance canoeists,
first noted among voyageurs in the 1700s.
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Guide
to Canadian Cuisine
POUTINE:
Quebec's contribution to fine cuisine. French fries covered with cheese
curds and gravy. Only 12,486 calories a serving.
PRAIRIE OYSTERS:
Western Canada's contribution to fine cuisine. Fried testicle of young
bull, consumed mainly in anecdote. (Reportedly tastes like chicken.)
PEMMICAN:
Native Canadian contribution to fine cuisine. Leathery food prepared by
Native guides for Hudson's Bay Company traders. Made from pounded buffalo
meat, raw fat and cranberries. Tough to chew and hard to swallow, it has
a half-life longer than plutonium. Rumored to be a practical joke played
on the whites.
DULSE: Maritimers'
contribution to fine cuisine. Tastes like iodine and smells like fish
secretions, with the texture and allure of boiled licorice. Rumored to
be a practical joke played on Upper Canadians. "Why, I bet they're
so gullible they'd eat these smelly weeds I found along the docks."
These are the same folks, remember, who routinely try to get people to
eat fronds (otherwise known as fiddleheads).
MAPLE SYRUP:
Ketchup may be Canada's official condiment, but the sentimental favorite
is still 'sucre de pays'. Give a Canadian a jug o' maple syrup and they
are in hoser heaven, splashing it over anything within striking distance:
pancakes, waffles, ice cream, small pets, patio furniture, in-laws, etc.
Maple syrup is the great Canadian foodstuff. (The term "foodstuff"
being particularly apt when describing Canadian cuisine. "What'cha
eatin'?" "Foodstuff, eh.")
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