Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of
those girl to girl talks............
Did you grope
I did not
I did not
Did you smile?
And did you
I do not
I will not
"Mr. Vice President. Mr. Speaker. Members of Congress. My Fellow Citizens.
I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I HAVEN'T tried to bag are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy.
Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.
Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called 'Kennebunkport' who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Before him, Nixon coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. It goes without saying that Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for 'beaver-wrestling' shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House. Which brings me back to my point.
Since I have been playing first Saxophone here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. The stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of cocaine, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where their next meal is coming from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my willie showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter (unless, of course, she's a hottie with big hair and thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it). In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine.
bless the United States and Thank God for little girls. Good night."
(Beverly Hillbillies melody)
Clinton goes to an MD and complains about having hair on her chest. He
says to take some pills that he gives her and tells her it will go away.
She comes back in a month and says she still has the problem. She opens
her shirt and her chest is covered with hair. He says "Jesus, this
is serious. How long have you had this?" She says " Several
months". He asks if the hair is other places on her body, stomach,
etc. She says " Your damn right it is; it runs all the way down to
undressing for bed one night, good ole Bill notices something like a red
rash around his you know what. Alarmed, he thinks, "I can't let Hillary
Dear Mom and Dad:
It has been four months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. Don't read any further
unless you are sitting down ... OK?
Good. I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire, shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at a nearby gas station, and he was able to call the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure it will be before I start to show.
Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you will give the baby the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up, thanks to my daily penicillin injections.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too; I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in his native African village.
I guess that's it. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want you to know ... There was no dormitory fire, I did not have a skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis and there is no man of another race in my life.
However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective.
Your loving daughter,
P.S. Stanford is great...I love it, though I miss you both terribly...and Socks, too!
Dad, please give my best to Monica & the others.
One Sunday morning Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you!
I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt."
After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him."
Chelsea was heart-broken.
After eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June."
Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news.
"Robert is your half-brother too, honey. I'm awfully sorry about this."
Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm.. I guess I'm never going to get married," she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother."
Hillary just shook her head.
pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father...
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural Maine. Panic stricken, the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear.
The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.
Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.
"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath, "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"
"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."
"The President of the United States is DEAD?" The agent gulped in disbelief. Are you sure?
the farmer sighed, "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what
a liar he is."
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry,
I didn't know there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's having".
Presidents Ford, Reagan, Carter, Nixon and Clinton were on a ship that hit an iceberg.
Ford screamed, 'What
should we do?'
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Draft will begin production in Canada this year.
When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied, "I don't know. I haven't had one yet."
The Native American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.
Clinton lacks only three things to become one of America's finest leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom.
In a heroic effort to downsize government, Clinton is now doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.
Revised judicial oath (for Senate trials): "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth, as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."
"It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is. If the - if he - if 'is' means is and never has been, that is not - that is not the only one thing. It means there is none. That was a completely true statement." - Bill Clinton, August 1998.
Q: What do you get
when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Did you know that
Bill Clinton asked to change the Democratic seal from a donkey to a condom?
Mr. John Hinckley
Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our Country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness abroad throughout the land.
Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is born against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.
Starr is screwing Jodie Foster.
A world leader met with Clinton in the Oval Office. Bill said, "To show my appreciation for all the things you've done for our country, I want to present you with a brand new Cadillac. It's loaded! It has everything! Here you go. Here are the keys."
The other world leader said, "Now, Bill, you know that I can't accept that!"
Bill said, "Oh, yeah, right! Gift limits and all that! Here! I'll sell it to you for half a dollar!"
His guest said, "Okay, Mr. President," and gave him a dollar.
Bill said, "Oops! I don't have change!" He pocketed the dollar.
said, "That's okay. I'll just take two Cadillacs."
During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.
A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.
one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced
the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the
items discussed". Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but
we were talking about the Ten Commandments."
Hillary is lying in bed wide-eyed one night, and starts poking Bill in the back.
"Wake up," she says."
Bill just turns over and groans.
Again, she pokes him the back and says, "Bill, wake up!"
"What do you want?" he grunts in a sleepy voice.
"I'm going to the bathroom," she says.
"You woke me up just to tell me your going to the bathroom?"
Hillary says. "I want you to save my place."
Clinton and Jesse Jackson where in the restroom together. Bill looks down
at Jesse's dick and exclaims, "Man, Jesse, how come that thang is
so big? "Well," Jesse says, "every night before I
go to bed I whack it three times on the headboard."
First Cat, Socks, is moving in with Bill Clinton's secretary, Betty Currie,
in suburban Virginia. It seems Socks doesn't get along with the soon-to-be
ex-president's dog, who's leaving the White House with the Clintons...
W. Bush and Bill Clinton decided to go over a few last minute details
on the transfer of power while getting haircuts.
is in the supermarket picking up some things for the new office when a
stock boy accidentally bumps into him.
One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, But you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."
"Like I get to pardon them, right?"
"Not them, Bill, just one, but yes, like a pardon."
Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed, diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think
I could do that all day long."
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.
"So the devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Kenneth Starr, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
For a moment Clinton stood silent in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and
said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Dear Friends and Relatives:
Bill Clinton's time
on earth expired and he found himself standing at the pearly gates.
St. Peter asked, "And who are you?"
Now why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.
"And what is your question, Billy?"
"I have three questions. First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan; second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office; and third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
five questions. First - whatever happened to your medical health care
plan; second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed
the office; third - whatever happened to all those things you took when
you left the White House; fourth - why did the bell go 20 minutes early;
and fifth - what happened to Billy?"
is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when
I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he
cheats on me.
Dear Clueless :
and dump him. For Pete's sake, you're a United States Senator from New
York now --- you don't need him anymore.
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's in the middle of her first term as Senator of New York and this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming.
"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, "Did you hear me?!"
Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice.
In a barely
audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"
An old man
approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Avenue where
he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing
guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."