Well I'll be damned!
	Well I'll be dipped in shit!
	Well I'll be dipped in dirty brown stuff!
	Well I'll be go to hell!
	Beat me with a stick and call me 'lumpy'!
	Well tie me to an ant bed and smear my ears with jam!
	Well spank me and call me daddy!
	Holy horseshit Batman!
	Balls and bilgewater!
	Roll me in sugar and call me a jelly doughnut!

	As dumb as a post.
	If he had one more braincell he'd be an idiot.
	Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
	Doesn't have both oars in the water.
	A couple beers short of a six-pack.
	Not firing on all eight cylinders.
	His elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.
	A few clowns short of a circus.
	An experiment in artificial stupidity.
	The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.
	All foam, no beer.
	Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
	He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down.
	As smart as bait.
	Chimney's clogged.
	Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
	His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
	His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
	Proof that evolution can go in reverse.
	Receiver is off the hook.
	His slinky's kinked.
	Too much yardage between the goal posts.
	That boy don't ride out the same day he saddles up.
	He's one french fry short of a Happy Meal.
	He's one bubble off plumb.
	I suppose you'd poke a bear with a short stick?
	The Guards are down and the bells are ringing but the train still ain't coming.
	It just goes in one ear and out the other.
	If he had a brain, he'd take it out and play with it.
	A few Kangaroos short in the top paddock

	You have more chance of crapping in the Queen's handbag.
	You have more chance of crapping in the Pope's trouser pocket.
	You have more chance of crapping in the President's trouser pocket.
	Wish in one hand, and shit in the other and see which one gets filled first.
	Life is hard, then you die.

Raising Teenagers is like...

	Nailing Jello to a tree
	Herding cats
	Trying to sandpaper a tigers arse in a barn

Tougher than...

	lips on a woodpecker
	woodpecker lips
	shoe leather
	Stuck between and rock and a hard place
	Suck's More'n a bucket of leeches

It's Colder Than...

	A Witch's tit in a brass bra
	A Witch's tit in a brass bra on the North side of a glacier in the middle of a blizzard in January
	A puddle of piss in November

	fish grease
	blue blazes
	who shot John
	a two dollar pistol
	seven kinds of hell
	a cowboy's cook stove
	a lizard's forehead
	pepper pudding
	the hinges of hell
	a camp-meeting sermon
	a Texas firecracker
	a hen in a wool sack
	a bucket of red ants
	a hunk of Hades out there
	a bug on a light bulb
	nine acres of burning tree stumps
	the devil's undershirt
	hot as a boiled owl
	two rats having sex in a wool sock
	a Hollywood hooker
	so hot my lawn furniture's standing on one leg
	so hot the lizards are fanning themselves
	so hot the corn in the fields was popping and the cows thought is was snow and froze to death
	so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs
	so hot I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking.
	so hot I saw a coyote chasing a rabbit and they were both walking.

	A long-tailed cat in a room full of rockin' chairs
	A cat on a hot tin roof.

	I don't know if I'm washin' or hangin' out
	I don't know if I'm coming or going
	I don't know if I'm coming or going to cum
	She doesn't know whether to shit or go blind.
	The boy is so confused he don't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt
	Are you getting your murds wixed?

	A newborn in a titty bar
	A lesbian in a tuna cannery
	A lesbian in a fish market
	A Blind dog in a smoke house

	A one-legged man in a butt-kickin' contest
	A one-armed paper hanger
	A puppy with two peters
	A three legged dog with diarrhea.

Kenny on South Park

	A clam at high tide
	A gopher in soft dirt
	A pig in shit
	A puppy with two tails

	Whale shit at the bottom of the ocean looks like clouds in the sky.
	He could crawl under a snake's belly.
	The only way to go is up.

	Shit
	Snot
	Frog snot on a watermelon seed!
	The inside of a can of thirty weight.
	Greased owl shit

	A fart in a spacesuit.
	Sex in a Yugo.

Charm and Grace...

	The charm of an untipped waiter
	She's got two left feet.
	He can't walk and chew gum at the same time.
	He can charm the chrome off a trailer hitch.

Unreliability -- Untrustworthiness Worthlessness, Etc...

	If you believe that, I've got a bridge I'd like to show you.
	If you believe that, I've got some beachfront property in Arizona for you.
	He's as full of shit as a Christmas turkey.
	As useless as tits on a frog.
	As useless as an umbrella in a hurricane.
	As useless as a lead balloon.
	As useless as a screen door in a submarine.

Beauty -- or the Lack Thereof...

	She was beaten badly with the ugly stick.
	She must have hit every branch when she fell out of the ugly tree.
	A face only a mother could love
	Looks aren't everything; in her case, they aren't anything.
	His teeth are his own-- he just made the last payment on them.
	She looks like she was hit hard by menopause and dragged for fifty yards.
	Cute as a bug in a rug
	Pretty as a picture
	Pretty as a peach
	Pretty as a Georgia peach

Wishes, Providence, Preferences and Miscellaneous...

	If wishes was fishes we'd all have some fried.
	All things being equal, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
	The Good Lord willin' and the creek don't rise.
	Looks like he's been rode hard and put up wet.
	He's a walking advertisement for birth control.
	The world is your oyster.
	Two things in life are certain... death and taxes.

Whatever...

	Makes you happy
	Winds your watch
	Gets you though the night
	Creams your twinkie
	Reduces your swelling
	Moistens your panties
	Tweeks your twizzler
	Floats your boat
	Blows your skirt up

Relax!

	Chill out.
	Settle down.
	Get a grip.
	Sure you've got a headache, but don't take it out on me.
	Mother please, I'd rather do it myself.
	Take a pill.
	Take two, they're small.
	Don't get your panties in a bunch.
	Don't get your panties in a wad.
	Don't get your nickers in a twist.
	Things could be worse... you could be doing this in Afghanistan.

Weight-related

	She's so skinny she has to run around in circles in the shower to get wet.
	He's so skinny, when he turns sideways, he disappears.
	Why son, the shadow of your ass must weigh ten pounds! (from Good Morning, Vietnam)
	He has a big heart, and a stomach to match.
	He's so fat, when he takes a shower his feet don't get wet!
	Quick! Call Greenpeace.  I think that's a Japanese whaler circling her.

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