Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"
the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice
Sam replied.... "The balcony."
The insurance agent was questioning a cowboy who had applied for a policy. "Ever have an accident?" he inquired.
"Nope," was the answer.
"Not even one?" asked the agent incredulously.
"Nope," the cowboy insisted. "Rattler bit me once, though."
"And don't you call that an accident?" exclaimed the agent.
"Nope; the danged
varmint done it a-purpose."
My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" in Texas. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.
He told her
one had a horn and one didn't, she replied, "The one without the
horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."
One day the sheriff sees Billy-bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots.
The sheriff says "Billy-bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"
Billy-bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!"
The Sheriff says that he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-bob should tell the story.
Billy-bob continues "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we stated a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill. So we did. Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and then Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same.
Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots.
Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Billy-bob,
go to town"
sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy
coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat and his boots,
so the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure.
A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don`t talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how`s it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Cowboy: "How`s he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don`t talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how`s it goin?"
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Cowboy: "How`s he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
and hardly able to talk)...... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain`t nothin but
A beautiful woman is sitting on a train with an empty seat next to her. A cowboy dressed in a Stetson hat and fancy boots saunters over and says, "Pardon me, ma'am, do you mind if I sit here?"
The woman looks up at him and says, "I most certainly do! Cowboys are disgusting! I hate cowboys! Cowboys are mean, crude, vile, and uncouth! I'll tell you something else I know about cowboys. Cowboys will screw anything! Cowboys will screw sheep, they'll screw cattle, they'll screw dogs, they'll screw lizards, they'll screw chickens..."
The incredulous cowboy
A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "macho," so he went out walking with one of the hired hands. As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation: "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "
"Herd of cows."
I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."
When the cattle had been loaded into cars and shipped to Chicago for sale, each car was appointed an attendant to feed and water the cattle during the journey. This is the story of such a cowboy.
Following the unloading of the cattle in Chicago, the cowboy headed to a restaurant for dinner. The only seat was next to a lady who looked wealthy and educated. He couldn't help overhearing her order.
"I'll have a breast of fowl, virgin fowl, make sure it's a virgin, catch it yourself, garnish my plate with onions, a cup of coffee, not too hot, not to cold, and open the window, I smell a cow, there must be a cowboy in here."
off, the cowboy placed his order. "I'll have a duck, a fucked duck,
make sure it's fucked, fuck it yourself, garnish my plate with horse shit,
a cup of coffee, strong as Texas mule piss, blow the foam off with a fart,
and knock out the wall, I smell a cunt, there must be a whore in the house."
Two cowboys from Arizona
walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They
stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle
prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a
sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that
she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.
An Oklahoma cowboy
and a California cowboy are driving down a back road in East Texas. The
Oklahoma cowboy sees a sheep backed up to the fence, swerves off the road
and comes to a screeching stop. He runs over to the sheep, drops his pants
and has his way with the sheep.
An old cowboy dressed
to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and
ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady
sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy
and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
A bunch of
Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the
Four old cowboys are having a discussion about what is the fastest thing in the world.
First cowboy says, "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you prick your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and hits the brain."
Second cowboy says, "Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and open your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is changed."
Third cowboy says, "Well, I think it's light, 'cause as soon as you press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light."
Fourth cowboy says, "Well, I think it's the Mexican-two-step diarrhea."
All the others ask simultaneously, "Diarrhea? Why?"
Fourth cowboy says, "I'll explain it to you. I went across the border to a saloon last night and drank a buncha home-made Mexican tequila. On the way home from the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe's cafe and ate two helpings of her Mexican Special, which had been warmed over a time or two, and a buncha jalapenos and some chili peppers I never saw before."
First cowboy asks, "So, what's that got to do with speed or diarrhea?"
says, "Well, later on when I was in bed, I felt this fire and fierce
rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or blink, or turn that
damn light on... I shit myself."
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."