Criminal Humor II

(and Stupid Criminal Tricks)

 

If you like this topic, don't miss our Stupid Human Tricks page!
...and our Stupid Stickups page!

For these books on Legal humor, go to Amazon.com 

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But
imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

Disorder in the Court The World's Stupidest Criminals Ludicrous Laws and Mindless Misdemeanors
False Fax Frees French Felons 
Fat Legs Trip Up Shoplifters 
Cocaine Crazy Thieves Snort Up Dog's Ashes 
Robber Acquitted on Technicality 
Would-Be Mugger Leaves Mugshots Behind 
Inmate Crushed to Death in Garbage Truck Escape 
Not Guilty Tattoo Gives Him Away 
Japanese Woman Chisels Into Neighbor's Apartment  
Turn Off Your Pager When in Hiding  
Job Applicant Discloses Just a Little Too Much  
Romanian Thief Winds Up in Deep Shit  
Burglary Case Hinges on Missing Wiener  
Shopkeeper Pummels Teenage Robbers With Ham  
Malaysian Burglar Falls Asleep on the Job 
Peep Shoe Voyeur Back Behind Bars  
Thief Trapped in Elevator Rescued - Then Arrested 
Car Thief Trapped by Electric Windows 
Diamond Smuggler Has Loot Surgically Removed
Thief Busted Exchanging Stolen Pants  
Burglars Videotape Their Own Confessions 
Robbers Busted By Church Bells
Nude Burglar Flees Scene - Leaves ID
Very Effective Thai Bank Robbery
Inmates Escaping Right Before Release Date
ATM Theives Employ Tow Trucks
Copycat Blackmailer Arrested in Korea
4,400 pounds of Cocaine Traded for Art
Mom Rents Infant to Drug Smugglers
He Needs Pot to Play Basketball
Cell Phone Gives Him Away
Self-Incriminating Answer Does Defendant In
Personal Ad Was His Demise
Shoplifting Gets Him 25 Years to Life
Man Takes Stolen Car to Court Appearance
Champagne Bandit Hits Publix Stores
Burglar Busted by His Own Dog
Serial Robber Jumps Into Wrong Car
Hiding the Stash in The Fridge
Photo Shoot Captures Robber
The Bank Was Out of Money
Inmate Weaves Cash Into His Hair
Naked Burglar Found in Air Duct
Foot Fetish Felon Foiled
Burglar Self-Medicates Himself Into Jail  
Brazilian Church Burglar Found Drunk  
Escaped Murderer Tripped Up by Traffic Stop  
Jail Escapee Uses Eddie Murphy Photo ID  
13-Year-Old Pimp Busted in England 
A Collection of Dumb Criminal Briefs 8/18/02
Chewing Off Fingertips to Avoid Fingerprinting 
Japanese Woman Sought in Insurance Scam 
The Wrong Place to Break Into  
King Frederick II Pardons a Prisoner  
Smile For the Camera, Now Say... Stupid  
Man Smuggles 44 Birds in His Pants  
Canadian Officer Busted With a Prostitute 
Never CarJack a Man With Guns in the Trunk  
Thief Burglarizes Wisconsin Police Station  
A Very Polite Car Thief  
Texas Thief Captured Stealing Bull Semen  
Diaper Clad Burglar Busted in Virginia  
Thieves Leave Trail of Doughnuts in Their Escape 
Mobster's Semen-Smuggling Scheme Fails
Panty Thief Busted Coming Out of Trailer
Grandma Pickpocket Ringleader Busted
Car Thief's Wrong Answer
Convict Escapes Athens Jail With Ease
Forger Invents His Own Bank
Stupid Carjackers Foiled in Cincinnati
Fascinating Confidence Scams
Thief Locks Himself in Car
Clowns on the Rampage in England
Crack Habit Leads to Break-In
Cross-Dresser Holds Up Credit Union
He Waits - Even After Testicle Shredded
Drunk Drives Himself to Jail
Dopes Busted Drying Dope in Convenience Store
Fugitive Unable to Turn Himself In
The Old 'Monkeys In My Pants' Trick
Rapist Murderer Convicts Himself
Sleeping Burglar Busted
When Not To Moon the Judge
Burglar Drinks Himself to Sleep
Criminal Tripped-Up By Karaoke Habit
Drugs vs. Taser
Keeping Your Mouth Shut a Good Idea
I Might as Well Jump Out That Window
Schoolgirl Purse Snatcher Apprehended

False Fax Frees French Felons

AJACCIO, France - Prison officials quickly complied when they received a fax from the magistrate instructing them to free three French prisoners. The prisoners were investigated for illegal possession of firearms and attempted extortion, and the fax demanding their release turned out to be fake. The prison officials, however, did not doubt the document because it was written on official stationery, so they neglected to check the originating fax number or follow-up with the judge for confirmation. The prisoners' supposed "release" is now a successful escape.
Back to the Top


Burglar Self-Medicates Himself Into Jail

AHMAN, Jordan - A jittery robber became a little too relaxed after taking sleeping tablets to calm his nerves during a raid on a hospital pharmacy. The thief managed to slip into the pharmacy through the cooling system, which was undergoing maintenance work. He proceeded to take three tablets from the haul of medication he had stolen and promptly fell asleep while still on the premises. He was found by hospital employees who alerted police.
Back to the Top


Fat Legs Trip Up Shoplifters

ZURICH, Switzerland - Police officers became suspicious when they saw three men with immensely thick legs having difficulty walking out of a retail store. The officers stopped the suspects and discovered full suits wrapped around their legs. Officers indicated the trousers and jackets were folded just so in order to wrap nicely around the limbs. Police also reported a hoard of fashionable men's suits in the boot of their rental car.
Back to the Top


Brazilian Church Burglar Found Drunk

SOROCABA, Brazil - A church burglar in Brazil received no redemption after he got drunk on two bottles of Holy Communion wine. Francimar Pereira Lira allegedly, 22, allegedly stole money, a hoover and a camera from the church of Sorocaba, Brazil, before "looking for some refreshment" from the wine. The local priest, Camilo Joao Munaro, found Lira asleep in one of the pews and turned him over to the authorities.
Back to the Top


Cocaine Crazy Thieves Snort Up Dog's Ashes

LONDON, Uk - Cocaine-crazy thieves tried to snort a bag of powder they found in an English housewife's living room -- not realising it was the ashes of her dead dog, according to a British press report last week.

The burglars thought they had hit the jackpot when they saw the powder marked 'Charlie' -- slang for cocaine -- in a dainty ceramic pot on pet-lover Dee Blyth's mantlepiece, the report in the Sun said. But the pot was an urn and the 'drugs' the remains of her Newfoundland Charlie, who died in 1997.

A police constable called to investigate the break-in at Chadwell Heath, England, fell about laughing when he saw the burglars had arranged the ashes in cocaine-style lines.

'I'd love to see their faces when these thieves realise.' Ms Blyth, 50, said.  'It was horrible knowing they were in my house, but the idea of them trying to get high on a dead dog certainly made me feel a bit better.'
Back to the Top


Escaped Murderer Tripped Up by Traffic Stop

ALBUQUERQUE, New Mexico - A convicted killer who escaped from a New Mexico prison more than 20 years ago has finally been caught. Clarence McCoy pleaded guilty in 1978 to strangling his wife. He was serving a 10-year sentence when he escaped from a state prison south of Albuquerque. He was 27 at the time. Retribution finally caught up with the killer when he compounded his crime by driving alone in a car pool lane in Washington state. During the traffic stop, McCoy's name was put through a computer background check which produced his criminal background. He is fighting extradition to New Mexico.
Back to the Top


Robber Acquitted on Technicality

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania - A masked man on a bicycle shot at two men during a robbery last August in Philadelphia. The robber fled after being shot by one of the victims. When 18-year-old Nathan Pailin went to the hospital the same night for a gunshot wound, police began investigating him. Though his wound was treated, doctors were unable to remove all the fragments. Now there is a court order to have the remains removed from Pailin's chest to see if the bullet matches the one from the crime scene. Pailin's attorney, however, claims the court order is a violation of her client's constitutional rights against unlawful search and seizure. Since the suspect refuses to have surgery, and with no other evidence available, Judge Pamela Pryor Dembe acquitted Pailin of robbery, aggravated assault and a weapons charge.
Back to the Top


Jail Escapee Uses Eddie Murphy Photo ID

Police were searching for a Los Angeles County jail inmate who escaped with the help of a forged ID card bearing the picture of actor Eddie Murphy. A swarm of police conducted a yard-by-yard search of the area when the escape was discovered but the suspect was long gone. Informants have told investigators that Kevin J. Pullum, 31 -- who was jailed on attempted murder charges -- forged an ID card that looked like the cards used by civilian employees of the jail. The card featured a photo that was clipped from a magazine ad for "Dr. Doolittle 2." Much of the escape was recorded on the jail's video system that showed Pullum nonchalantly strolling out of custody.

And Then...

LOS ANGELES - A chance encounter with police on Los Angeles' skid row landed the elusive fugitive back in jail 16 days after his escape. LA police patrolling the downtown area spotted the escapee, Kevin Pullum, seated on a milk crate peddling alcoholic cold drinks to transients just a couple of miles from the "Twin Towers" jail he escaped from. He was carrying yet another false identification.


Man Fakes His Own Death for the Insurance Money

BRIDGEPORT, Connecticut - A financial advisor in Connecticut faked his own death to claim $7 million from an insurance policy. To simulate his body, Madison Rutherford, 39, robbed a grave of human bones and teeth. He put the bones, teeth, and his wristwatch in a burnt out car and has been declared dead since a 1998 accident on a freeway in Mexico. When his widow immediately tried to collect the $7 million, the insurance company decided to investigate Rutherford's death. An anthropologist found that the bones actually belong to an American Indian at least 20 years older than him. Rutherford has plead guilty for fraud and is in jail. His wife will be sentenced next month for her involvement.
Back to the Top


Would-Be Mugger Leaves Mugshots Behind

NEW YORK - A picture may be worth a thousand words, or 5 to 20 in the state pen. Police are searching for a taxi cab passenger after he allegedly attacked the driver and fled, but not before leaving more than a dozen photographs of himself on the back seat. The driver, Scott Lifshine, said that the man refused to pay his fare and tried to grab him in a headlock before running off. "I hit the accelerator and then slammed on the brakes, throwing him off balance. I got a bloody lip and he wrenched my neck. Then he opened the back door and ran off," exclaimed Lifshine. "He obviously didn't intend to leave [the photos] behind, but that's what he did."



13-Year-Old Pimp Busted in England

LONDON, England - A 13-year-old boy has been convicted of operating a prostitution ring at his local school. He recruited seven girls from the school and explained what he wanted them to do. After recruiting his "ladies", this enterprising little pimp recruited the little "Johns," also from his school. He charged them 10 pounds ($25) each for an hour.
Back to the Top


Inmate Crushed to Death in Garbage Truck Escape    

By The Associated Press

HOMINY, Okla. A prison inmate trying to escape in the outgoing trash was crushed to death inside a garbage truck Wednesday. State correctional officers discovered Mariano Absum, 27, was missing just before noon, and an investigation led them to suspect he had escaped in the garbage truck that made its routine stop at the prison. They quickly located the truck, which had broken down about two miles away.

``When we opened the truck, we found the inmate,'' who had been crushed in the truck's compactor, Corrections Department spokesman Jerry Massie said. " He may have hidden in a garbage bin that was emptied into the truck," Massie said. Absum arrived at the medium-security Conner Correctional Center in May to begin a three-year sentence for assault and battery. 
Back to the Top


A Collection of Dumb Criminal Briefs

One criminal broke into the basement of a bank through a street-level window. In the process, however, he suffered from several lacerations. When he realized that he could neither get the money nor climb back through the window, he panicked and called 911.

In England a gang hired a man to drive their getaway car for a series of bank robberies. As the gang came fleeing out of bank with the loot the man panicked and caused the car to stall. It was later revealed that not only did the man not have a driver's license, he had never operated a vehicle.

Two criminals in France decided to break into a bank from a neighboring building. After hours of drilling through the wall to reach the banks vault, they finally broke through. However, when entered the room instead of the vault, they were standing in the middle of the restroom.

Two men in Kentucky tried to pull the front off of an ATM by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. However, instead of pulling the panel off the machine, they pulled the bumper off the truck. When they fled, they left their bumper, along with their license plate still attached to the ATM.              

In September 1992, robbers in Las Vegas held up a van thought to contain gambling chips, only to find that it was carrying potato chips instead.

In 1998, a guard was caught smuggling a wad of money in his underpants out of a bank in Atlanta when a tiny security-dye capsule exploded, blowing a hole in his trousers.

In 1998, a would-be Texas grocery store robber went to the trouble of disguising his face with a balaclava but forgot to remove from his breast pocket a laminated badge which bore his name, place of employment and position within the company - an oversight spotted by at least a dozen witnesses.

A 1975 raid on the Royal Bank of Scotland in Rothesay degenerated into farce when, on the way in, the three would-be raiders got stuck in the bank's revolving doors and had to be helped free by the staff. Undeterred, they returned a few minutes later and announced that it was a robbery. The staff thought it was a practical joke and refused to pay up. While one of the men vaulted the counter and twisted his ankle on landing, the other two made their escape, only to get trapped in the revolving doors again.

In order not to be identified by his clothing, a North Carolina bank robber stripped to his underwear and shoved a large wad of cash inside them. He was later "debriefed" when someone reported a man with strangely bulging underwear running down the street.

A man with dreams of being a pizza delivery boy was arrested after going knocking on the doors of an apartment complex wearing nothing but a baseball hat. The man was caught while trying to jump over a fence and was booked in thirty minutes or less.

Louis Abright had the bright idea of robbing a branch of a local bank in Lafayette, Louisiana with his head covered in whipped cream. By the time he demanded the money from the teller, his mask had melted and the police arrived lickity spilt.

An immigration officer stopped a truck filled with illegal aliens and asked if anyone spoke English. When they all said no, he told them he was going to shoot them all, starting with the ones with brown shoes. As he drew his pistol, three men stepped forward and took the role of translator for the group.


Back to the Top


Not Guilty Tattoo Gives Him Away

Police in Long Beach, Miss., say a would-be robber was apprehended by a police detective because of a distinctive tattoo. The man rushed in to a convenience store demanding $200 he had allegedly left on the counter earlier. When the cashier told him all the money was already locked in the safe he pulled a gun, but ran when more customers entered the store. The clerk gave police a description, noting his large tattoo bearing the words: "NOT GUILTY." The next morning the man went to the same store, still demanding his money. A detective was there doing some shopping and recognized the tattoo from an "all points bulletin." The man was arrested on a charge of attempted armed robbery. "His tattoo stuck out like a sore thumb," the officer told the Sun Herald newspaper. "He might as well have had "STUPID" printed on his forehead."
Back to the Top


Chewing Off Fingertips to Avoid Fingerprinting

WEST BRIDGEWATER, Massachusetts - A robber in Rhode Island was bound and determined not to be fingered for a crime by chewing off his fingertips. According to R.I. police officers, Francisco Sanchez, 21, and a man who identified himself as Ivan Cruz, 28, of St. Thomas, Virgin Islands, was arrested at about 6 p.m. after a drug deal. As Sanchez awaited to be fingerprinted in a jail cell, he began to gnaw on his fingertips until they were completely bloody and mangled. But not bloody enough that the officers could not get prints useable for identification purposes.
Back to the Top


Japanese Woman Chisels Into Neighbor's Apartment

JAPAN - A Japanese woman really wanted a cut of her neighbor's good fortune when she decided to chisel a hole through the wall of her apartment with a pair of scissors. According to police, Mika Hasegawa, 28, admitted that she had painstakingly chipped away at the 4-inch plaster wall in her closet with a pair of scissors for two weeks. The resulting hole was just big enough to creep through, which Hasegawa covered with cardboard so her neighbor wouldn't notice. She then squeezed through the 12-inch by 16-inch hole twice, stealing game software and video tapes. Hasegawa admitted to the burglary, saying she needed money.
Back to the Top


Japanese Woman Sought in Insurance Scam

TOKYO, Japan - A 48-year-old woman received 30 million yen after submitting accident reports indicating her husband's death. When she applied for a second payout, an insurance company uncovered the woman's fraudulent activity. Investigators discovered the accident reports were false when the woman's "dead" husband won a local election in his home country of Pakistan. Tokyo District Court has ordered the woman to repay the money she had received thus far. However, police have been unable to locate her.
Back to the Top


Turn Off Your Pager When in Hiding

CALIFORNIA - Police were looking for a spousal assault suspect recently when they thought to call the man's beeper. Just a few moments later, "The deputies that responded heard the beeper going off over their heads," said a Lancaster deputy. The man had been hiding in an apartment attic when an officer called the pager and heard it sound. The police backed out of the situation and the Special Enforcement Bureau were called.
Back to the Top


The Wrong Place to Break Into

HOLLAND - Students at a police training school in Holland had a live demonstration after a burglar was caught breaking into the facility. The 36-year-old burglar had allegedly already pinched a laptop and a video recorder when he was surprised by a student. The student called for help from one of the training officers and both quickly subdued and arrested the perpetrator.
Back to the Top


Job Applicant Discloses Just a Little Too Much

BALTIMORE - While filling out a job application for police officer, 21-year-old Edwin V. Gaynor checked "Yes" to having committed previous crimes. After turning in his self-incriminating application Gaynor gave police detailed descriptions of the crimes, including the fact that he wore a green-and-white bandanna and used a chrome-plated handgun. Police in Killeen, Texas, confirmed that the woman who was carjacked reported the car-jacker had the two items, which were found during a search of Gaynor's house, his mother's house and a storage facility. He was reportedly charged with carjacking, but has not been charged with robbery pending further investigation.
Back to the Top


King Frederick II Pardons a Prisoner

Frederick II, the eighteenth-century king of Prussia, fancied himself an enlightened monarch, and in some respects he was. On one occasion he is supposed to have interested himself in conditions in the Berlin prison and was escorted through it so that he might speak to the prisoners. One after the other, the prisoners fell to their knees before him, bewailing their lot and, predictably, protesting their utter innocence of all charges that had been brought against them.

Only one prisoner remained silent, and finally Frederick's curiosity was aroused.

"You," he called. "You there."

The prisoner looked up. "Yes, Your Majesty?"

"Why are you here?"

"Armed robbery, Your Majesty."

"And are you guilty?"

"Entirely guilty, Your Majesty. I richly deserve my punishment."

At this Frederick rapped his cane sharply on the ground and said, "Warden, release this guilty wretch at once. I will not have him here in jail where by example he will corrupt all the splendid innocent people who occupy it...."
Back to the Top


Romanian Thief Winds Up in Deep Shit

PLESOI, Romania - Robert Cascota tried to make off with a cow and some corn belonging to Nicolae Leanca. When he was spotted, Cascota tried to hide in an open-air toilet booth, but lost his footing and fell in. The would-be victim, Leanca, had to save the thief from drowning in human waste. When police arrived they had to keep him at a safe breathing distance with a stick.
Back to the Top


Smile For the Camera, Now Say... Stupid

NORWAY - A pair of robbers smashed an electronic store's window to steal a video camera. This would not have been so asinine if the dynamic duo had realized that it was wired up to a separate recorder before they decided to smile right into it. Police are now searching for the thieves with close-up footage of the whole incident. Even the manager commented on the intelligence of the robbers, saying "How stupid can you be?"
Back to the Top


Burglary Case Hinges on Missing Wiener

TALKEETNA, Alaska - An intruder in Alaska relished the idea of breaking into a Caswell Lakes home armed only with a hot dog. The break-in was apparently discovered when the family's 12-year-old daughter awoke to find the masked intruder bent over her dog trying to entice it with the wiener. According to Talkeetna trooper Ted Norris, the girl's father found all of the light bulbs outside the house had been removed and shards from one of the bulbs were on the ground. Police are investigating the break-in, however, the search has become increasingly difficult because one of the other dogs ate the incriminating hot dog.
Back to the Top


A Petition With Chutzpah

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. - A man who escaped from prison and was captured after 10 years on the lam is asking to be released immediately. His rationale? His original sentence would have been up by now. "This petition may take the prize for chutzpah," a judge wrote in an opinion. Timothy Marshall's request was denied. Marshall, 39, was convicted in 1985 of trafficking cocaine and was sentenced to 15 years. On a legal note, the court said Marshall showed no requirement to give an escapee "credit" for time spent outside prison walls.
Back to the Top


Shopkeeper Pummels Teenage Robbers With Ham

GAINSVILLE, Georgia - Three teenagers trying to rob a food shop in Georgia were scared off when owner Morris McClure threw a ham at them. McClure, 61, told police, "I went in the back, and when I came back out two of them jumped me. They hit me in the head with something. It hurt like the dickens, but I didn't go down." Instead, the ornery shop owner punched one attacker in the stomach and flung a 8lb ham at the other before all three fled the shop. "I've worked too hard to give up my money to three punks like that," proclaimed McClure. Two 17- year-olds have reportedly been charged with attempted robbery and a 16-year-old is being held at a youth detention center.
Back to the Top


Man Smuggles 44 Birds in His Pants

MIAMI - According to the U.S. Attorney's Office, Carlos M. Rodriguez Avila allegedly tried to smuggle 44 melodious finches in his pants on a charter flight from Havana, Cuba. Avila was charged with unlawful importation and  possession of the birds, valued at more than $350. Suspicious airport inspectors asked Avila to raise his pant legs and saw something strapped to his legs when he arrived in Miami. Avila was released on $50,000 bond, and if convicted, he could be sentenced to a maximum of five years in prison and forced to pay restitution and a $250,000 fine.
Back to the Top


Canadian Officer Busted With a Prostitute

Authorities in Vancouver have docked a police officer's pay for having sex with a prostitute in one of the force's cars.  A tribunal found Paul MacGregor broke the force's code of conduct.  It docked him 10 days pay and told him to get counseling.

He faced charges including misuse of a police vehicle, having sex in a police vehicle, soliciting a prostitute, driving under the influence of alcohol and misleading a superior officer.  MacGregor, with 11 years service, had been suspended with pay since the incident in November 1999. 

The plain-clothes drug squad officer was off duty and had been drinking before picking up a female prostitute.  They were having sex when a woman started throwing rocks at the vehicle and screaming.  MacGregor drove off but fellow officers followed him when they noticed him driving erratically.  They pepper-sprayed him as he tried to pull up his trousers after they told him to put his hands on the steering wheel.

He was dragged out of the vehicle and handcuffed, Canadian Press reports.
Back to the Top


Malaysian Burglar Falls Asleep on the Job

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia - A teenaged burglar recently made a security guard's job easier. A teenaged factory worker robbed approximately $530 worth of audio-visual equipment from a medical college in central Malaysia, but didn't make it out of the building. Apparently robberies can be quite tiring, and the teenager decided to take a nap in an armchair right in the middle of the college. A security guard found the tired burglar before dawn nestled in the chair with his stolen equipment by his side. The guard reported the burglary to the police.
Back to the Top


Never CarJack a Man With Guns in the Trunk

CORAL SPRINGS, Fla. - 21-year-old Carl Lee Reese's luck went from bad to worse when he carjacked a Lexus belonging to Paul Brite, 53. Brite was confronted by the gunman at a carwash and forced to climb into his own trunk. Reese drove off, but pulled to the side of the road a short while later fearing Brite had a cellular phone with him. When he opened the trunk the victim came out brandishing two handguns that he had stored there earlier. The kidnapper refused to comply with several commands to lie on the ground, even after a warning shot. Brite was finally forced to shoot his attacker in the abdomen when Reese reached for his pocket. Police said they do not plan to charge Brite.
Back to the Top


Thief Burglarizes Wisconsin Police Station

ST. CROIX FALLS, Wisconsin - This Minnesota man obviously wanted a few items from Wal-mart in the worst way. Why else would he have burglarized the St. Croix police station and retrieved the items that officers had just confiscated from him. Prosecutors have charged 36-year-old James Casarez of Willernie, Minn., with felony burglary, retail theft and resisting an officer. Minnesota authorities discovered Casarez was wanted in Wisconsin while he was jailed in that state on charges of burglarizing a sporting cards store. Extradition proceedings are currently under way to bring Casarez back to Wisconsin.
Back to the Top


Lost Pet Scam Land Man in Jail

SAN FRANCISCO, California - William Arnold Muniz, 40, needed some extra money for the holidays, so he poured over newspapers from across the country. He found a part-time job alright. He purposely looked for notices from pet owners seeking their lost felines and pooches. He then contacted the pet owners and said he located their pets but needed cash for the animals' medical treatment and airline costs to return them. He swindled $900 out of a pet owner in Portland, Oregon, for his yellow Labrador retriever, and a Denver woman forked over $172 to retrieve her lost cat. Of course Muniz never had the animals and has since plead guilty to fraud. He can be fined up to $500,000 and may be sentenced to a maximum of 10 years in prison.
Back to the Top


Husband Steals Radio While Wife Gives Birth

LOUISIANA - Apparently the miracle of child birth wasn't enough to hold this Louisiana man's attention. Mickey Hewitt, 21, was arrested after he allegedly stole a car radio from a hospital car park while his wife was giving birth inside. According to police, security cameras showed the expectant father dropping off his pregnant wife of the emergency room and later returning to smash a car's window at River Parishes Hospital, near New Orleans. "Normally, the new dads are outside smoking together. That didn't happen in this case," remarked Captain Mike Tregre of the LaPlace Sheriff's Office.
Back to the Top


A Very Polite Car Thief

PLUMSTEAD, Penn. - Defying his parole guidelines, George Bussinger, 25, traveled out of the state into Pennsylvania. Trying to avoid arrest for the violation, Bussinger decided to steal a car. This somehow must have made sense in his own mind. Joe Borowski, a car salesman, took Bussinger on a test drive for a 2002 Durango near Philadelphia. As Borowski exited the car to change seats, Bussinger jumped into the driver's seat and locked the doors. He apologized to the salesman through the door window, and even offered Borowski $100 for the inconvenience. For his little joyride, there is a warrant out for his arrest on car theft charges.
Back to the Top


Peep Shoe Voyeur Back Behind Bars

TAMPA, Florida - "Peep Shoe" voyeur Daniel Searfross has struck again. Searfross was originally arrested on New Year's Eve for wiring a camera hidden in his shoe so he could video tape under women's skirts. The case was called "sneakercam", and the voyeur was sentenced to a year probation. Searfross couldn't control his voyeuristic habits, though, and was arrested again for using the device at a flea market. Once again on probation, Searfross took his fun and games to a new level. This time, he hooked up the video camera on his sneaker to look up women's skirts at church and even at his parole office. He is currently in jail on a $75,000 bond. Circuit Judge Walker R. Heinrich said, "I tell you, there's something that just rubs me wrong when you're on probation and you're doing this offence."


Texas Thief Captured Stealing Bull Semen

COOKVILLE, Texas - This is no bull! A 34-year-old man was arrested after allegedly stealing several thousand dollars worth of bull semen from a cattle ranch near Cookville. According to police, Joey Allen Long threw some of the bull semen, contained in applicator straws, out the window, during the pursuit, then slowed down along Titus County Road SE 6 and jumped from the rolling vehicle to escape on foot. A tank of bull semen was found inside the vehicle and an artificial insemination kit was also recovered. Long was arrested near U.S. 67 after another foot chase, and taken into custody.
Back to the Top


Thief Trapped in Elevator Rescued - Then Arrested

STOCKHOLM, Sweden - A would-be thief was greeted by police after being trapped in an elevator for 11 hours earlier this week. In an attempt to rob a basement studio, the thief pried open the elevator doors with a screwdriver. Unfortunately for him, the elevators are programmed to automatically lock if they are opened by force. Thus, he was trapped. Immediately panicking, he tried everything to break out of the area. The thief ripped out electric cabling, smashed windows in the doors, and attempted to set the apartment on fire. Alas, a fire did not catch and he was stuck waiting to be freed in the morning. The police aided in his rescue and promptly arrested him.
Back to the Top


Car Thief Trapped by Electric Windows

BEER SHEBA, Israel - A car thief thought he hit the jackpot when he noticed the window of a parked Toyota had been left partly open. He hurriedly leaned over the glass to disconnect the stereo system. In the meantime, however, the thief pushed the electronic button that rolls up the windows, and it began to close on him. He started to panic and began yelling for help. According to Chief Inspector Gili Amar, "His neck got caught. He screamed, 'Help!'" His pleas for help woke up the neighbors and the car's owner. Police aided in his rescue and then promptly arrested him.
Back to the Top


Diamond Smuggler Has Loot Surgically Removed

LISBON, Portugal - A 38-year-old man has been arrested at Luanda Airport for smuggling over 1,300 uncut diamonds in his intestines. After he arrived by plane from Cafunfu, the man was taken to the hospital where doctors removed the jewels. The diamonds had been wrapped in a plastic bag and then hidden in his intestines. Though the value of the diamonds has yet to be determined, the smuggler is being held without bail and faces a possible eight to 12 years in prison for smuggling and illegal possession.  
Back to the Top


Diaper Clad Burglar Busted in Virginia

VIRGINIA - Robert Alan Woods was arrested after breaking into his neighbor's house and waiting in her bed wearing nothing but a bib and diaper. When his neighbor returned home and found him in bed, the 30-year-old Virginia man apologized and started getting dressed. Woods admitted to police he gets sexual pleasure from dressing and acting like a baby and says he is sorry for what he did. According to court records Woods already faces two other parole hearings for burglary and diaper-wearing. Judge Jonathan Apgar has ordered Woods to undergo a psychological evaluation before sentencing in this case.
Back to the Top


Thief Busted Exchanging Stolen Pants

NETHERLANDS - After trying on a pair of pants in a Dutch store, a woman quickly left without paying for them. A couple days later, she realized they just didn't fit right. What's a thief to do? Exchange the stolen pants, of course. The 52-year-old robber called the store to see if they had the slacks in a larger size. The cashier didn't remember selling this specific pair of pants and cautiously reviewed the security videotapes. Sure enough, the camera showed the thief trying on the pants and leaving the store without paying for them. The cashier told the woman the store indeed had a bigger size and then promptly phoned the police. The woman was arrested on theft charges when she arrived at the store.
Back to the Top


Thieves Leave Trail of Doughnuts in Their Escape

SLIDELL, Louisiana - When two people saw an unattended Krispy Kreme delivery truck, they saw their chance and stole the vehicle. Little did they know that they were leaving behind a 15-mile trail of doughnuts. A Krispy Kreme employee had been making a routine delivery to a convenience store when Rose Houk, 31, and her partner stole the truck. Police were notified that there was a dangerous driver on the road who was losing his doughnuts, but the truck was abandoned when the thieves spotted the cops on their trail. Houk was captured, but her partner in crime was able to flee the scene. According to Houk, they had been smoking crack cocaine prior to the incident, reported police spokesman Rob Callahan.  "I don't know if it was a need for transportation or if they just had the munchies," continued the officer.  
Back to the Top


Burglars Videotape Their Own Confessions

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania - After stealing money and Christmas presents, 19-year-old Joseph Rios and two accomplices decided to mark the occasion by videotaping their new possessions. The 10-minute recording shows the three laughing and bragging about their recent escapade and details the stolen items. The fun didn't end there. Rios then filmed his driver's license right before one of the others used it to buy cigarettes. The 19-year-old has since been slammed with a two to four year prison sentence, and Montgomery County prosecutor Ted Barry said, "It's the most bold and simultaneously stupid criminal act I've ever encountered."

Burglars Videotape Their Own Confessions II

CONNECTICUT - More proof that criminals aren't that bright: a group of burglars recently videotaped themselves talking about their next robbery. Additionally, they identified themselves by name and included footage of their actual crimes. An unknown do-gooder got a hold of the tape and gave it to police. Officers estimate the tape explains at least eight burglaries, and a 19-year-old was arrested. Detective Sergeant Michael Madden detailed the incriminating evidence, "On the tape, they identify each other by name and talk about what building they are going to rob next." Police cannot figure out why the suspects taped themselves. And now, neither can the suspects.
Back to the Top


Mobster's Semen-Smuggling Scheme Fails

PENNSYLVANIA - What do you do if you are a prison guard and a mobster inmate tries to bribe you? You help him with his semen-smuggling scheme, of course. Mobster Antonio Parlavecchio wanted to get his wife pregnant, but wouldn't be seeing the light of day anytime soon. So, he bribed prison guard Troy Kemmerer to smuggle out his "deposits" to his wife, Maria. Between three smuggling attempts, prison authorities somehow discovered the plot and charged the guard with bribery and conspiracy. Kemmerer has been sentenced to 27 months in jail. Furthermore, the mobster received an additional racketeering charge good for six months added to his stay. All that, and the Mrs. didn't even get pregnant.
Back to the Top


Robbers Busted By Church Bells
 
MERELBEKE, Belgium - The chiming bells of a Belgian church were not music to the ears of a pair of would-be thieves when the duo set them off during an attempted robbery. The bells were reportedly attached to the collection box they were trying to steal and began to toll as soon as they picked it up. This makeshift alarm system had been rigged up by the priest at St. Pieterschurch in Merelbeke who was worried about break-ins. The priest told reporters he called police when he hears the bells toll in the middle of the night. A man and woman have been arrested as suspects in the attempted robbery.
Back to the Top


Panty Thief Busted Coming Out of Trailer

NEBRASKA - Now here is what you call a panty raid! According to police in Nebraska, a burglary suspect whose victim shot at him returned to steal her underwear as she reported the crime. The 32-year-old man allegedly disturbed the 49-year-old woman when he broke into her mobile home through a window. She was said to have grabbed a pistol and fired it in his direction, but he wasn't injured. The suspect fled from the back door while the woman ran out of the front to a friend's house to call police. Officers say they caught the suspect a short time later that same night leaving the trailer with his pockets full of women's underwear. He's been charged with burglary and possession of cocaine.
Back to the Top


Nude Burglar Flees Scene - Leaves ID

EUGENE, Oregon - A 20-year-old man in Oregon broke into a flat and immediately stripped off his clothes. Before stealing anything, he allegedly went into a bedroom where a woman and her boyfriend were sleeping. The burglar's nude body scared the woman, and she screamed. The boyfriend then chased the naked prankster out of the house. All the while, the burglar's pants were left on the floor with his wallet inside. Police used the ID info to locate the man and charged him with burglary.
Back to the Top


Grandma Pickpocket Ringleader Busted

FLORIDA - A 65-year-old grandmother was sentenced to four years in jail for running a pickpocket ring targeted toward the elderly. Ernestine Williams ran a group of 80 recruits and taught them to direct their attacks on elderly shoppers and even joined them on an occasional outing. Some of her recruits were arrested, but Williams herself was overlooked because she uses a wheelchair. She was eventually arrested, however, when detectives investigated a succession of pickpocket attempts throughout the state. Williams tried to beg the court's mercy, claiming she was too weak to go to jail. Judge Kenneth Marra disagreed, and it's off to prison for the grandmother.
Back to the Top


Car Thief's Wrong Answer

Charleston (SC) Last Wednesday night police stopped a young man who had fled on foot from a late-model red Camaro parked running in the middle of the intersection of Fishburne and Hagood streets. When police took him to retrieve the car, the young man said the car belonged to his uncle. When asked for his uncle's name, he replied, 'I don't know, whatever name he gave you.'
Back to the Top


Very Effective Thai Bank Robbery

THAILAND - It was 20 minutes after closing time and all was quiet at the Thai Farmers Bank in Ku Kot. Bank tellers were preparing to cash up when the manager heard police officers knocking at the door. He authorized a cleaning person to let the cops in when all of a sudden the fraudulent officers drew their guns and proceeded to rob the bank. They threatened the staff, demanded money from the vault, and insisted on receiving the security video tapes. The "cops" put tape over the eyes and mouths of other employees and made off with quite a sum of money. They rode into the sunset on motorcycles and have not been caught.
Back to the Top


Inmates Escaping Right Before Release Date

SWAZILAND - Maybe it's the prison food they like so much. Or the showers. No, maybe it's the educational opportunities. Whatever it is, inmates are trying to escape jail right before their term is up in the hope of being re-arrested. According to Swaziland prison officials, there have been 10 escapes this year. Noma Dlamini, a spokesperson for the correctional services, insists that a good majority of those fugitives simply enjoy prison so much that they don't want to leave. She cites being treated well and the prison lifestyle as reasons for them wanting to stay. Explaining the high number of escapes thus far, Dlamini said, "Security is tight in all of the prisons as we are having enough wardens. The mere fact is that most of the prisoners are always on guard to escape and they do so when the slightest chances avails itself to them."
Back to the Top


Convict Escapes Athens Jail With Ease

ATHENS, Greece - Nothing gets by them. The latest in a series of embarrassing jail breaks, a convicted American murderer walked right out of the Korydallos jail two days ago with help from the prison psychologist. Wearing a wig, suit, and glasses, the 31-year-old inmate strolled by the guards. The psychologist was bold enough to introduce the convict to the guards as one of her colleagues. The man had confessed to a murder in Greece because he didn't want to be extradited to the United States where he is charged with double murder. He was currently serving a life sentence in Greece for a killing a girl. Officials did not realize he had escaped until later that night during the headcount. Just last month a group of inmates dug their way out of a police cell with a spoon. The warden has been suspended.
Back to the Top



Forger Invents His Own Bank

NEBRASKA - 33-year-old Curtis Boyd invented his own bank in order to pass counterfeit checks. Boyd purchased a check-making program from OfficeMax and began making his own checks. When the bank wouldn't cash his first $22 million check (that's right, $22,000,000) Boyd tried again with a $20,000 check, this time drawn from the "Reality Perspective Bank" which Boyd made up himself, using his own apartment as the bank's address. It didn't take police long to track him down.
Back to the Top


ATM Theives Employ Tow Trucks

If you've ever wondered why more ATMs aren't stolen, there's a simple reason: They weigh a ton. That's why when three men attempted to drive off with an entire ATM the other day in Kansas City, they took two tow trucks with them. The Kansas City Star says that police starting getting 9-1-1 calls in the wee hours of Tuesday morning from people who were curious why tow trucks were parked in front of an ATM on Belleview Avenue. When police arrived, three men drove off in a Jeep Cherokee, abandoning the two tow trucks. The publication says that the ATM was slightly damaged but all of its money was secure. The investigation continues.
Back to the Top


Stupid Carjackers Foiled in Cincinnati

CINCINNATI, Ohio - In addition to having to worry about car accidents, distractions, and children fighting, drivers also need to be aware of carjackers. In Cincinnati, two carjackers jumped into a woman's car and demanded all of her cash. Which amounted to about $8. So the woman cleverly offered to stop at the supermarket and cash a check for them. Only, instead of filling out the check, she wrote "call police" on the document, and the cashier immediately notified authorities. According to police, the men were caught in the shop's parking lot and have been charged with kidnapping and robbery.
Back to the Top


Fascinating Confidence Scams

In 1872, veteran prospectors Philip Arnold and John Slack bought $35,000 worth of diamonds in Europe and scattered them on land in Wyoming. They managed to convince the Bank of San Francisco they had discovered a diamond field and made $700,000.

Starting in 1921, Oscar Merril Hartzell began a scam selling fake shares in the estate of Sir Francis Drake. He contacted as many families as he could find with the surname Drake and was eventually accused of defrauding 270,000 people. The hoax netted him over $2,000,000.

When J. Bam Morrison arrived at Wetumka, Oklahoma in 1950, he claimed to be the advance publicity man for Bohn's United Circus, which, he maintained, was due to hit town in three weeks. He allegedly sold advertising space to local traders... for a circus that didn't exist.

By forging signatures, James Addison Reavis was able to claim he was the legal owner of 17,000 square miles of Arizona. The enterprise raked in $300,000 a year until he was arrested in 1895 and he was sentenced to six years in prison.

Joseph Weill, who inspired the movie "The Sting," rented abandoned banks and convinced businessmen that he had set up a genuine bank. He waited for them to deposit large sums of money before shutting down and moving on to the next town. This, plus some of his other scams, earned him over $6,000,000.
Back to the Top


Thief Locks Himself in Car

GAINESVILLE, Florida - A 51-year-old man has been charged with burglary and theft after locking himself in the car he was attempting to steal. After the would-be thief managed his way into the 1994 Infiniti, an alarm was triggered, and a security device automatically locked all the doors. It turns out that there is another button on the driver's door that would have simply released the locks, but the suspect didn't figure that out. Police found him crouched in the back seat, trying to hide from any onlookers. He had coins in his pockets that he had stolen from inside the car. Sergeant Keith Faulk said, "Maybe he needs a new line of work. He's not very good at what he's doing now."
Back to the Top


Copycat Blackmailer Arrested in Korea

SEOUL, Korea - A man identified as Cho as been arrested on blackmailing charges in Korea recently. The 35-year-old extortionist sent letters to hundreds of random corporate executives threatening them that if they didn't pay up, he would expose their supposed acts of adultery. Though Cho didn't know any of these people or have any proof of such acts, a surprising number mailed the required hush fee. The letter stated, "I am working with a pornography business, and I have secured evidence that you committed adultery. Unless you send 1 million won to me, I will publicize it." The suspect received over $7,500 from nine executives and promptly spent the sum on entertainment and drinking. Cho got the bright idea after reading a similar con in Japan.
Back to the Top


Clowns on the Rampage in England

MANCHESTER, England - An armed gang of clowns is on the loose in England. A group of three clowns pulled off the perfect heist at a local wine bar and handcuffed a manager, threatening him with a sawed-off shotgun and a knife. They escaped with "a small amount of money" according to authorities. Then came a wild goose chase. Inspector Darren Shenton said the clowns took off in a van and managed to escape police pursuit even though they were involved in three car accidents along the way. In a statement, Shenton said, "There is no doubt that anyone walking along the road at the time the robbers were heading into or out of the building would have spotted them, especially as they were dressed as clowns." Police are now appealing to the public for information on the wild bunch.
Back to the Top



4,400 pounds of Cocaine Traded for Art

The scheme was doomed from the beginning but really fell apart when the suspects didn't have enough cash for the drugs. So they tried to swap two famous, highly identifiable paintings by Spanish Master Francisco de Goya and impressionist Tsuguhanu Foujita for 4,400 pounds of cocaine. The paintings were believed to be worth $1 million each. DEA agent Anthony Angell says one suspect offered to transport drugs for Colombian drug traffickers -- who actually were DEA informants. The cocaine was shipped to Paris where police seized 1,768 pounds in a Paris suburb. The cocaine lost in the seizures meant there wasn't enough money left to pay the believed-to-be Colombian traffickers for the drugs so the suspects tried to use the paintings as payment.
Back to the Top


Crack Habit Leads to Break-In

David James, 23, of Trent Boulevard, West Bridgford, came up with the perfect plan to rob his neighbors. James removed bricks from the adjoining loft wall of the flat, climbed through, gathered the goods, went back through the hole and replaced the bricks. The mess up came when he forgot to unlatch the Yale lock on the neighbors front door before climbing back through the wall, forcing the couple to climb up a ladder to get into their home when they returned. When police could find no evidence of forced entry, they did see that bricks and mortar and been removed and replaced on the wall. They went to James' home and arrested him. James' defense noted he suffers from agoraphobia - the fear of open spaces- and psychiatric problems. And he was high on crack and prescription medication.
Back to the Top



Mom Rents Infant to Drug Smugglers

CHICAGO - Marisa Hardy of Chicago made a practice of renting her child out to drug smugglers. In exchange for only a few hundred dollars and some pot, Hardy and her husband provided their daughter to smugglers who posed as mothers while they attempted to sneak cocaine hidden in baby formula cans past customs. Reports show that baby Hardy made her first drug run at 3 weeks old.
Back to the Top


Cross-Dresser Holds Up Credit Union

"SPOKANE -- A man wearing a shoulder-length black or brown wig and a rumpled black cotton dress robbed a Spokane Valley credit union at gunpoint. The robber stuffed the stolen cash into "his tasteful black leather purse," and walked away. No one was injured, but the robber did escape with an undisclosed amount of cash."
Back to the Top


He Needs Pot to Play Basketball

Alvaro Alvarez, a 20-year-old former high school basketball star, told a judge he smoked pot because it made him a better basketball player after being brought in on marijuana possession. The judge then challenged Alvarez to a game. Alvarez accepted the offer and thought he had the game in the bag. Little did he know that 42-year-old Judge Marc Kelly was a former Notre Dame basketball player. Kelly beat Alvarez 10-3 in a first-player-to-10-points game. He then told Alvarez to lay off the pot.
Back to the Top


Cell Phone Gives Him Away

UTAH - A 24-year-old man was arrested after his girlfriend accidentally tipped him off to police. She was merely trying to reach him on his cell phone to find out where he was. The problem was that the criminal left his cell phone at the crime scene. Police noticed the phone ringing during the middle of their investigation and answered. The girlfriend asked, "Are you with [the suspect]?" Police replied, "No, but we will be shortly." Lt. Doug Edwards told reporters about the difficulty of being a criminal. "A life of crime is pretty tough. It's even tougher when you're stupid."
Back to the Top


He Waits - Even After Testicle Shredded

NASHVILLE, Tennessee - Dennis Ross is waiting for his love to be released from prison so he can marry her. Aretha Oneal was imprisoned after she used her fingernails to rip off one of Ross's testicles while he was asleep. Doctors were able to reattach the testicle and Ross was able to repair his relationship with his girlfriend as well. "I love that girl," said Ross, "That's my heart, my soul, and that's my better half."
Back to the Top


Drunk Drives Himself to Jail

GREEN BAY, Wisc. - In an effort to save police time, a drunk driver drove directly to jail. The 22-year-old man led police on a chase that dropped down to speeds of 20 mph and ended in the Brown County Jail's parking lot. Knowing he was busted, the man parked his car, lit a cigarette, got out of the truck and lay face-down on the ground to be arrested. He told police he knew he was drunk and was going to be sent to jail, so he just drove there. He was also arrested for cocaine possession and an outstanding warrant for a hit-and-run accident.
Back to the Top


Self-Incriminating Answer Does Defendant In

A man convicted of robbery asked the Texas Court of Appeals to overrule his guilty verdict on the basis of a self-incriminating answer given at his trial. During a break in the trail there was concern that the suspect had fraternized with some witnesses, who were to take the stand against him. The judge asked the suspect to tell him exactly which witnesses he had contacted and the man answered, "The ones that I robbed."
Back to the Top


Dopes Busted Drying Dope in Convenience Store

Rudy Raines and William King were arrested on possession of marijuana charges after they decided to dry their pot in a convenience store microwave. Apparently they weren't alarmed or threatened by the presence of officer David Ashley, who Raines actually spoke with upon entering the store. He then went about drying his weed in the microwave, filling the store with the distinct aroma of burning pot. When Ashley approached Raines he saw he had a large bag of marijuana and Raines admitted he was trying to dry it out. Ashley then went to the car and found King passed out with another sack of marijuana laying out in plain view. Rains told Ashley he and King were on their way to a drug rehabilitation clinic. It's not clear whether they are patients, or were meeting with other people to sell or share the pot.
Back to the Top


Personal Ad Was His Demise

A German policewoman caught a wanted criminal, whose crimes could add up to three years behind bars, by going on a date with him. She found the 29-year-old man's cellular phone number, called and began flirting with him. The conversation ended in a scheduled date at a local bar. The criminal not only fell for the act, but showed up dressed to impress. At the end of the date the policewoman arrested the man. She was surrounded by other officers who had been posing as civilians. A police spokesman could not confirm whether there had been mutual attraction. He said: "In any case, it was all purely professional."
Back to the Top


Shoplifting Gets Him 25 Years to Life

SANTA BARBARA, Calif. - A criminal in California was caught stealing $11 worth of wine, lip balm and breath freshener. His penalty? 25 years to life in prison. A Superior Court judge sentenced 57-year-old Ronald Herrera to the penalty because this was his third serious offense. According to the three-strikes-you're-out law in California, a mandatory 25 years to life sentence is given for a felony committed by someone with two prior serious crime convictions. Herrara claims he has a brain injury that made him forget to pay for the items. It sounds like he's always had a brain injury with his track record of 17 serious felonies including robbery, rape and shooting a police officer. But it was the breath freshener that did him in.
Back to the Top


Man Takes Stolen Car to Court Appearance

Some criminals really don't know when to quit. A Dutchman was due for his court appointment but didn't have a means of transportation to get him there. His quick criminal instincts told him to steal a car to get him to his hearing. Why was the man required to go to court in the first place? Three counts of car theft. His fourth attempt was no better than the other three as the 24-year-old was arrested at a roadblock. The crook responded, "I don't have a car myself. I just steal and sell them." Self-incrimination at its finest.
Back to the Top


Fugitive Unable to Turn Himself In

TUCSON, Ariz. - Fugitive Scott A. Kline was finally taken into custody after his first attempt to turn himself in was denied. Authorities refused to take Kline into custody when he surrendered at a federal prison because they didn't have court documentation that he was indeed a fugitive. Kline waited outside the building for an hour before finally leaving. He tried again two days later, and was granted his request. He was hauled off to jail for violating his parole. Most criminals aren't too bright, but at least this one was honest.
Back to the Top


Champagne Bandit Hits Publix Stores

He's being called the Champagne Bandit. Police in Port St. Lucie, Fla., say a guy, around 6-foot and 300 pounds, is running through Publix grocery stores throughout the area stealing champagne. And not just any champagne will do for this bandit -- he's got to have Moet & Chandon White Star -- about $30 per bottle, reports the Port St. Lucie Tribune. Last Friday at a Publix on U.S. 1, the bandit reportedly found room for four bottles of White Star down the front of his pants before exiting the store, the paper says. Publix security officials told a deputy the bandit "has stolen the exact same items in the exact same manner from several Publix stores" from Jensen Beach to Vero Beach.
Back to the Top


The Old 'Monkeys In My Pants' Trick

LOS ANGELES, California -- Customs officials opened his suitcase and a bird of paradise flew out, but that was nothing compared to what they found in his pants -- a pair of pygmy monkeys. Californian Robert Cusack has been sentenced to 57 days in jail for trying to smuggle the monkeys, a total of four exotic birds and 50 rare orchids into Los Angeles Airport after a trip to Thailand. The two monkeys in this case, who were 3 and 4 months old when confiscated at the airport, are now at the Los Angeles Zoo, while all four birds have died.
Back to the Top


Burglar Busted by His Own Dog

Twenty-one-year-old Stephen Wilson's dog, Roxy, was hardly his best friend. In fact, Roxy turned out to be his worst enemy. Wilson decided to break into a home while walking Roxy, and when the owners arrived he fled the scene, leaving the canine behind. Police arrived and found the dog still at the crime scene. They put a leash on Roxy and she led them right to Wilson's home 200 yards down the road. He was arrested and sentenced to 21 months in prison. Burglary victim Derek Lewis was quoted saying, "He should have left the dog at home - it wasn't his best friend that night."
Back to the Top


Rapist Murderer Convicts Himself

Manassas, Virginia - Paul Powell, 24, was found guilty of attempted rape and murder in the 1999 stabbing death of Stacie Reed. He was convicted in 2000, but the verdict was overturned, ruling Powell could not be executed because prosecutors lacked evidence that Powell tried to rape or rob the girl. Then, while awaiting trial, he wrote a letter that began like this to prosecutor Paul Ebert: "Since the Virginia Supreme Court said that I can't be charged with capital murder again, I figured I would tell you the rest of what happened on January 29 1999 to show you how stupid all of y'all are." He went on to describe how he tried to rape Reed and then killed her. Powell was recently convicted of capital murder, due to the surfacing of some pretty incriminating evidence.
Back to the Top


Serial Robber Jumps Into Wrong Car

HELSINKI, Finland - A beer guzzler's spate of robberies ended abruptly in southeast Finland after he made a getaway jump into the back of a car.
Unfortunately for the thief, a police officer investigating the thefts was sitting in front. The trail of break-ins and shoplifting began Feb. 7 when a 28-year-old man, released from prison a week earlier, stole a car and drove it to six different locations, filching beer and cigarettes. "He drove for four days breaking into gas stations and cafeterias," Chief Inspector Harri Pyosti, who headed the investigation, told The Associated Press Thursday. "He couldn't believe he'd jumped into an officer's car at the end of it all."
The officer had been following the trail that began in the man's home town of Savonlinna, 205 miles northeast of Helsinki. It ended some 60 miles away in Leppavirta, when the thief, who wasn't identified, fell into his lap Monday. "It was real fate. The officer was off-duty at the time and didn't know the thief was about," Pyosti said. The culprit jumped out of the car but was caught by store guards. He admitted his crimes to police and was released, Pyosti said. A day later, he was back on the road and broke into a pharmacy, a gas station and a store, but police caught him red-handed. Now, Pyosti said, he's in jail awaiting trial on charges of theft and damaging property.
Back to the Top


Sleeping Burglar Busted

FORT WORTH, Texas -- A man was arrested Saturday morning for breaking into a store that was owned by the wife of the county district attorney. They found him taking a nap in a store display. Store employee Janie Sidener emptied the cash register when she closed the store Friday night. Upon returning to the store she noticed the change that was left in the register was scattered around the shop. Then she noticed someone had used the toilet without flushing and left a black pistol on the bathroom counter. It was then that she heard someone snoring in a bed that was part of a sales display. Sidener called the police. They came and woke up the sleeping burglar. His response was, "Hey, I was asleep!"
Back to the Top


When Not To Moon the Judge

FORT WORTH, Texas - Here's a good idea for revenge on that jerk of a judge who just sentenced you to eight years in prison: moon him. Oh wait, that's a completely asinine idea... never mind. Ray Mason, perhaps thinking showing the judge his bare ass is worth an extra half of a year in the can, was held in contempt by Judge Jim Parsons for his idiotic stunt. About 70 other people were in the courtroom at the time to witness Mason tack on a few more months to his sentencing, originally for a count of aggravated assault he pled guilty to. Said the now psychologically scarred judge, "I've been practicing criminal law for well over 20 years... This is the first time anything like that has happened." Unfortunately for Mason, six seconds of rear exposure will cost him six months of the same to a less-friendly audience.
Back to the Top


Hiding the Stash in The Fridge

BURLINGTON, Iowa - In case the cops try to raid their place, some drug dealers like to have special places to hide their stash. In one case, a man even figured out a place to hide himself if the police came calling. Unfortunately for him, after only a short search, officers found Jerome Anthony Dobbey hiding inside a refrigerator with the door shut. Thinking, it was a good idea, Dobbey had stacked several items in front of the refrigerator to make it seem inconspicuous. However, few people will believe that a fridge is in use if it's not plugged in.
Back to the Top


Burglar Drinks Himself to Sleep

ROMANIA - A would-be burglar proved to be a prime example of how alcohol can get you in a lot of trouble. The crook was arrested after he was found asleep in a pub he was raiding after trying some expensive liqueurs. The 42-year-old made his way in through the roof and proceeded to grab all the cash in sight. However, his curiosity and taste buds did him in, as he tried some whiskey and other drinks. Unable to resist the temptation to get totally smashed, the man passed out and was found by the bar owner the next morning.
Back to the Top


Criminal Tripped-Up By Karaoke Habit

MEMPHIS, Tenn. - When you're one of America's most wanted criminals, it's probably a good idea to keep out of public places where people can identify you. However, as everyone knows, when you're addicted to singing karaoke, that's a tough thing to do. Murder suspect Joseph Leroy Crouch Jr., 60, was picked up in Daytona Beach, Fla. last month after a tipster recognized him from a segment of Fox's "America's Most Wanted." The show seemed to know everything about the criminal at-large, as they noted his penchant for performing at karaoke bars. Dozens of people from multiple states made phone calls to Memphis police after recognizing Crouch from karaoke sessions.
Back to the Top


Photo Shoot Captures Robber

RICHMOND, VA. - Strangely enough, on April Fool's Day, a picture was being taken for an alumni magazine that captured the image of an attempted robbery in the background. Bank executive Spencer Hamrick, Jr., was in the lobby of a Wachovia bank posing while, just behind him, his bank was being robbed. The photographer thought the stickup guy was a customer and would provide a nice background for the shoot. The thief apparently passed a note to a teller demanding money and claimed he had a gun. Hamrick thought it was an April Fool's prank. The robber is in three of the photographer's pictures and was identified by police, while the bank's cameras failed to capture any images of the suspect.
Back to the Top


Drugs vs. Taser

FRESNO, Calif. - Though drugs might not allow criminals to think clearly, it seems they allow the crooks to have super-human capabilities. Believed to be high on drugs of some sort, Carlos Cruz was chased by police after his ex-girlfriend called police while he chased her present boyfriend into the street with a steak knife. Police confronted Cruz and shot him once with a Taser. Unfazed, Cruz ran back into the house, through a sliding glass door, into the back yard and through a wooden fence. He was shot again with the Taser but kept on going. After a third hit, police were able to slow him down and slap on the handcuffs.
Back to the Top


The Bank Was Out of Money

PINE BLUFF, Ark. - It's one thing to have a bank robbery attempt not go as planned. It's another to be unsuccessful and have the bank staff laugh in your face. A man walked up to a bank teller and demanded money be put into a garbage bag he had with him. After the first teller told him they were out of money, he walked up to another teller who offered the man deposit slips so he could throw in some money to steal. The employees proceeded to laugh at the man as he stormed out of the bank empty-handed. Minutes after tellers alerted authorities, Julius Kearney was picked up by police. Perhaps the young man was just unlucky that the bank ran out of money that day.
Back to the Top


Keeping Your Mouth Shut a Good Idea

NEWARK, N.J. - Some people just don't know when to shut their mouths. For a man accused of four counts of robbery, he should have quit while he wasn't ahead. The U.S. Postal Service employee pleaded guilty to robbing four New Jersey banks, but then decided he should fess up to the other 23 banks he burglarized in four other states. Over a four-year spree, Cazzie Williams took from banks in Pennsylvania, Ohio, Maryland and Virginia. Already facing a maximum of 20 years on each of the four counts he was initially charged with, it probably wasn't a good idea for him to rat himself out on the other ones.
Back to the Top


Inmate Weaves Cash Into His Hair

OSLO - A Norwegian jail inmate was busted with cash weaved in his massive bush of shoulder-length dreadlocks. The 20-year-old man was stashing $2,688 in his dreads. Guards found the money during a routine check, but it was unclear how long the money had been there. The inmate, who is now serving the third month of nearly a three-year sentence for smuggling 31 pounds of marijuana and hashish in Norway, said he hid the money in his dreads because he feared the police would not believe he had earned it legally.
Back to the Top


I Might as Well Jump Out That Window

CALVERT COUNTY, Mary. - After hearing that he was sentenced to five years in prison for beating his girlfriend, John A. Brock told the judge, "If you give me five years, I might as well throw myself out that window." Which he did. The 33-year-old suffered cuts and several broken bones and survived the 20-foot plunge to the pavement below. The failed attempt at suicide landed the broken man with another charge against him: Destruction of property.
Back to the Top


Naked Burglar Found in Air Duct

DAYTON, Ohio - Firefighters rescued a naked man who was stuck in the air duct of a clothing store for two days. The man told firefighters some people made him take off his clothes and then threw him into the duct. The man said the culprits wanted him to steal from the store. The man was discovered when the store's owner heard a muffled voice coming from the duct. After an elbow joint was removed from the joint, the man slid out. Some clothing was found in the duct, but all "naked man" was wearing were some socks.
Back to the Top


Foot Fetish Felon Foiled

MASSACHUSETTS - A Rhode Island man will appear in a Massachusetts court for charges of assault and battery and lewd and lascivious behavior in a supermarket. Raymond C. Dublin allegedly sneaked up behind a woman last year and licked her feet and toes. The foot-fetish felon is finishing a one-year sentence for simple assault charges in connection with other foot-licking complaints in Rhode Island. Words of advice for women in the New England area: Wear socks.
Back to the Top


Schoolgirl Purse Snatcher Apprehended

TOKYO - Yoshifumi Moriwaki, 24, was arrested for allegedly robbing a woman of $160. Moriwaki snatched the handbag of a 19-year-old girl from the basket on the front of her bike as he rode up beside her - dressed in a schoolgirl uniform? Yep, he was dressed as a schoolgirl, brown wig, mini skirt, navy blue cardigan and all. Police were on the look out for such a culprit after five reports of purse snatchings by robbers dressed as schoolgirls had been made since late March. The authorities questioned Moriwaki after they spotted him near a local train station and picked him up. He later confessed to the four other incidents.


Back to the Top