Dating Humor



Battle of the Sexes #1
Battle of the Sexes #2
Male Jokes (on their own page)
Female Jokes (on their own page)
Marriage and Relationship humor has moved to it's own page!

For great books on Gender-based humor, go to

Was it Something I Said? A Gender Translation Guide for all Occasions
The Bar
An Opportunity he just couldn't pass up...
A Man and a Woman meet on a Train
Sex is better for...
Blame it on the Dog
Stranded with Cindy Crawford
A Very Expensive Date
Catching Up at the Class Reunion
An Emergency Call to the Dentist
Am I the First?
Mary's Boyfriend Has a Fantasy
Dave Proposes...That She Buy Him a Computer 
Shy Young Man Meets the Girl of His Dreams 
That's How She Lost Her Other Suitors 
When You're Hung Like a Horse... 
A Freshman Asks a Junior to Dance 
Playing a Game to Get Her Clothes Off 
Joan Arranges a Date for Her Sister 
Are Youa Finish? 
A Divorcee Falls for Her Divorce Lawyer 
If I Drank a Six-Pack You'd Look Like Her 
Having A Hard Time Making Conversation 
Do You Like Doing It Greek Style? 
Who's Picture is That? 
Her Mother Told Her to Say No 
Buying a Lesbian a Drink at a Bar
What Will She Tell Her Sunday School Class?
Dating Humor II
Best and Worst Pick-up Lines 2/1/2003
Two guys and a girl sitting at a bar talking about their professions
You'll Get the Wrong Idea About Me
Venus and Mars...
Stuffed Animals Everywhere
Oh No You're Not
Shut Down
Betty Jo Bronowski
Is it Serious or Rebound
The Perfect Man Finds the Perfect Woman... 
Am I the First One? 
No Thanks, I Don't Smoke  
Dating One-Liners
His Date Orders The Most Expensive Food on the Menu

A Collection of Short Bar Pick-Up Jokes
A Little Higher...  
Selecting a Personals Ad for the First Time  
Proposing Marriage After Only 5 Minutes  
I've Got Three Tickets for the Show  
Wanna Go Camping?  
Knock Knock Joke  
OK, Ma, Guess Which One is My Fiancée  
How to Decipher Personals Ads 
A Girl's Best Friends are Her Own Two Legs 
Getting Out of a Blind Date
Do You Want to go a Little Farther?


The Bar

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"
Back to the Top

An Opportunity he just couldn't pass up...

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes that she is headed straight toward his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Low and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?"

She turns and smiles and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

Whoa! He swallows hard and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?"

She flips her long hair back, turns to him, looks into his eyes, and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he says, swallowing hard, again. "And what myths are those?"

She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed, when, in fact, it is the Native American who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average."

"Very interesting" the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes.

"I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name."

The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto, Tonto Horowitz."
Back to the Top

A Man and a Woman meet on a Train

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves assigned to the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower bunk.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea......... let's pretend we're married."

"Okay, why not." giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies. "Get your own damn blanket."

Back to the Top

Sex is better for...

A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male / female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?

Back to the Top

The Best and Worst Pick-up Lines

Hi Dorothy, I'm the Wizard. I'm here to grant your wish and take you home.








...I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.
...Nice legs...what time do they open?
...You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
...Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
...I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
...If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
...You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
...Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn’t your name Helga Titsbottom?
...Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
...Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.
...I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

So, when are we gonna get naked? Response: When the pigs in hell can't fly because of the ice forming on their wings
Wow thats a nice dress. It would look even nicer rolled up in a ball next to my bed
You might as well sleep with me, I'll tell my friends you did anyway
You look almost stupid enough to fuck me.
Baby, I would lick you from head to toe.
I won't unlock these handcuffs until you agree to go out with me.
That shit is very becoming you on you, but if I were on you I'd "becoming" too.
Nice shoes... wanna fuck?
You must be Jamacian, cause baby jamacian me crazy.
So I noticed you're a girl...
Will you marry me?
I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
You have the sexiest ankles I've seen since I got back from Saudi.
Girl, you ain't never been loved 'till you've been loved by a bullrider" Response: Oh yes - I'm sure it's the best 8 seconds of a girls life....
Your parents must be retarded because you are special.
You remind me of a championship bass--I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!
I would marry your daddy just to get your last name.
If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Hi baby, is heaven on holiday?
Can I have your phone number after we have sex?
Do you want to hear my Archie's tape?
I may be no Fred Flinstone but I can sure make your Bedrock.
Wanna get sweaty?
You know, you have the best cleavage in this entire bar.
Hi, I'm a virgin, so you don't have to worry about catching anything.
Hey baby, wanna fuck?
I lost my virginity, can I have yours?
For a fat girl, you don't sweat much.
(Guy pulls down pants.) "Quick. Hide this."
All you have to do is breathe...I'll take care of the rest.
Hey sweetie, Mr. Wanky wants to see you from the inside. So why don't you come on home with me, so we don't disappoint him?
"wanna play magic?" when asked how you played, he said "we go to my place and you make my dick disappear".
Excuse me, can you make some sheep noises for me?
My car won't start, will you jump me?
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
Are you cold? Because I've been undressing you with my eyes.
Your dad must be a terrorist cause he made a bomb when he made you.
Got any beer at Home?

"Hey baby, how 'bout you and me go play army?
I'll lie on the ground, and you can blow the hell outta me."

Continuing on...

1. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

2. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

3. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

4. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

5. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

6. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

7. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

8. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

9. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

10. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

11. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

12. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

13. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

14. My name is ______ ... remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

15. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

Standing in front of a drop dead gorgeous blonde, this guy looked down to his groin and then back at her face about three times very, very obviously.
Then finally he said to the woman, "Well... it's not gonna suck itself."

And our favorite responses...

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Back to the Top

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their professions.

The one guy says, "I'm a know...
Young, Urban Professional.

The second guy says...:" I'm a DINK know...
Dual Income No Kids."

They asked the woman, "What are you?"

She replied... "I'm a know...

Back to the Top

You'll Get the Wrong Idea About Me

The attractive young miss was about to go to bed with her blind date when she burst into tears.

"I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she said between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl!"

"I believe you," her date said, as he tried to comfort her.

"You're the first one," she gulped.

"The first one to make love to you?" he asked.

"No, silly," she replied. "The first one to believe me!"
Back to the Top

Blame it on the Dog...

A woman goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.

The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!!!"

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!!!".

Once again the woman smiled and thought, 'yes!'. A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"
Back to the Top

Venus and Mars...

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine.

He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anyone else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud:

"Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence.

She thinks to herself: Jeez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship, maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy?
Are we heading toward marriage?
Toward children?
Toward a lifetime together?
Am I ready for that level of commitment?
Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was lets see . . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means lemme check the odometer .. whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: he's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: he's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't hell the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn, warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Roger, Elaine says aloud.

'What?'' says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this", she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . Oh God, I feel so..."

(She breaks down, sobbing.)

What?'' says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, 1 know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No," says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that ...It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says.

There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into to his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a re-run of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
Back to the Top

Stranded with Cindy Crawford

A young single guy is stranded on a deserted island. As he washes ashore, he sees a women passed out in the sand. Able to perform CPR on her, he saves her life. As she regains consciousness, he realizes that the woman is Cindy Crawford. Immediately, Cindy falls in love with the man who saved her life. Days and weeks go by, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. True Heaven on earth in the man's eyes.

Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's wrong, sweetheart?" she asks. "I know we're stranded, but we're in love and we have a wonderful life together. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt and pants?" "Sure," she says, "if it'll help." He takes off his shirt and pants and she puts them on. "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks. "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says. Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a half hour later.

He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"
Back to the Top

The Slider

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
Back to the Top

Stuffed Animals Everywhere

A guy met a girl at a nightclub and she invited him back to her place for the night. When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom.

The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them all over the place! Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill, and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf. Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked, " was I?"

"Well," she said, "You can take anything from the bottom shelf."
Back to the Top


A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world.

"On the other hand, Port makes me fart."
Back to the Top

Oh No You're Not

"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose."

"Oh, no you're not," said the girl.

"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."

"Oh, no you're not."

"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."

"Oh, no you're not."

"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."

"Oh, no you're not."

"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.

"Oh, yes you are!" said the girl.
Back to the Top

A Very Expensive Date

A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.

To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne...the works.

Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"

"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."
Back to the Top

Shut Down

I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said, "Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?"

She said, "Do you like sex?"

I said, "Of course, I like sex."

She said, "Do you like to travel?"

I said, "Yeah, I love to travel."

She said, "Then fuck off."
Back to the Top

Catching Up at the Class Reunion

A guy goes to his high school class reunion. Not having seen anyone in twenty five years he's very curious as to who might show up.

When he gets there, he runs into his old high school sweetheart. They sit down and catch up on old times.

"How have you been?" he asks.

"I've been fine, just fine," she replies, "I do have some good news and bad news for you, though."

"Really?" The guy is worried. "What kind of bad news could you have for me after all these years?"

"Well, a few weeks ago I had to have a hysterectomy."

"Oh my, that's too bad," the guy says, breathing a sigh of relief. "I'm sorry to hear that. What was the good news?"

"The good news is the doctor found your old high school class ring you thought you lost."
Back to the Top

Betty Jo Bronowski

Roy was extolling the virtues of his new girlfriend. In fact, she was so perfect in every way that he'd asked her to marry him, and she accepted. Why, he was the luckiest man in the entire universe.

"I'm really happy for you, Roy," his best friend assured him.

"And what did you say this paragon's name is?"

"Betty Jo," replied Roy, a look of pure happiness coming over his face at the mere mention of her name. "Betty Jo Bronowski."

"Not Betty Jo Bronowski!" yelled his buddy. "Roy, you can't be serious about marrying her. She's slept with every man in Poughkeepsie!"

A frown passed over Roy's face as he reflected briefly. "Heck," he responded, "Poughkeepsie's not such a big town."
Back to the Top

An Emergency Call to the Dentist

The dentist was called away from the dinner table to take an urgent phone call. It was Mr. Tuckerman, explaining that young Junior had gotten himself into quite a fix.

"See, he was kissing his girlfriend, and when my wife and I came back from the movies we found them stuck together."

"I'll come right over, Mr. Tuckerman," said the dentist calmly, "and don't worry about a thing. I have to unlock teenagers' braces all the time."

Mr. Tuckerman whispered, "Yes, but from an IUD?"
Back to the Top

Is it Serious or Rebound

How can I tell if my current relationship (less than 2 months after the last one) is serious or just a rebound?
-- Girlfriend


As a general rule, 'any' current relationship that happens less than 2 months after the last one is a rebound. The one consistent exception is when the duration of the last relationship was shorter than the intervening time period. A few other helpful indicators:

If you notice his wonderful qualities, it's serious. If you only notice those qualities which compare favorably to your ex's, it's rebound.


If you think he's the greatest guy you have ever met, it's serious. If you think he's a marginally better alternative to spending Saturday nights alone with a pint of Ben & Jerry's and "A Room with a View" on video, it's rebound.


If you met him when you were walking your dog at the park, it's serious. If you met him when your best friend fixed you up on a blind date with one of her brother's drinking buddies in a desperate attempt to get your mind off your messy breakup with your ex, it's rebound.


If you enjoy going to new places with him on dates, it's serious. If you carefully plan your dates to go to places where you think your ex might see the two of you together, it's rebound.


If your girlfriends all tell you that they want to meet him so they can give their approval, it's serious. If your girlfriends continue to try to fix you up with other guys, it's rebound.


If he wants you to meet his parents, it's serious. If he tells you that he can't see you this weekend because it's his turn to have the kids and he doesn't think that they can handle him having a girlfriend, it's rebound.

Good luck, and happy hunting.
Back to the Top

Am I the First?

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby.

One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, "Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?"

Her tone, upon answering, was slightly more than irritable.

"Of course you are!" she said, "and the best, too--I don't know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions."
Back to the Top


Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.

"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."

"No," said Fred, " I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."

"The 'here after' routine-----what's that?", she wanted to know.

"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone."
Back to the Top

Mary's Boyfriend Has a Fantasy

Mary: "My last boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once."

Jill: "Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?"

Mary: "I said, 'If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off two?'"
Back to the Top

The Perfect Man Finds The Perfect Woman...

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East Coast, he started to head West. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
Back to the Top

Dave Proposes...That She Buy Him a Computer

Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.

Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer instead. During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.

Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted, "Well, don't you have something to ask me?"

Dave then got down on bended knee. "Honey," he said, "will you buy me a new computer?"
Back to the Top

Am I the First One?

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel.

When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?"

She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."
Back to the Top

Shy Young Man Meets the Girl of His Dreams

Once upon a time, there was a very wealthy, but very shy, and very lonely, young man, who lived in the country.

It so happened that a bridle path went through his back yard. One day, a beautiful young girl rode her horse along the bridle path and through his yard. He fell in love with her on sight, but was too shy to follow her.

The next day, at the same time, the girl rode past again.

Again, the young man was too shy to pursue her. This went on for weeks, and the young man fell ever more deeply in love with her, and his frustration grew, and he cursed his shyness. He decided he must do something; but what?

It came to him  in a flash; he would paint his horse green, and tie it up by the bridle path; surely the girl would notice this and ask him about it, and he could speak to her!

That morning, he painted his horse green, tied it up by the bridle path where the girl was sure to see it, and waited anxiously. Sure enough, she rode past; when she saw the horse, she stopped, and, eyes wide, said, "Oh! You have a green horse!"

The young man said, "Yeah, wanna fuck?"
Back to the Top

No Thanks, I Don't Smoke

There was this guy who desperately wanted to have sex with his girlfriend. However, he was too embarrassed about the size of his penis. So one night he took her to a dark place where she couldn't see it, and after furiously making out with her, dropped his pants and put his penis in her hand.

"Oh, no thanks," she whispered. "I don't smoke."
Back to the Top

That's How She Lost Her Other Suitors

O'Casey had dated many a lass, but he finally became entranced with Maureen O'Riley. He wooed her and pursued her, but she would not give in and go to bed with him. Finally he proposed marriage and she accepted.

On their wedding night, as they undressed in their honeymoon cottage, O'Casey said, "You know, Maureen, I never would have wed you if you had gone to bed with me like all the other girls did."

"Experience is the best teacher," Maureen said. "That's how I lost all of my other suitors."
Back to the Top

Dating One-Liners


Things were getting pretty hot in the back of the car when she screamed out, "Kiss Me Where it Smells!" So he drove her to New Jersey.


" want to become my son-in-law," says the mother.
"Not really," replies the suitor, "but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter."


When I was younger I hated going to weddings seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals....


Dad called upstairs to his daughter when her boyfriend came to pick her up, "Dreamboat...your barnacle is here!"


"I went out with this one guy, I was very excited about it. He took me out to dinner, he made me laugh - he made me pay. He's like, 'I'm sorry. I forgot my wallet.' I said, 'Really? I forgot my vagina.'" --Margaret Smith


"My girlfriend is not a ball and chain--she's more of a spring-loaded trap." --Kevin Hench


The trouble with finding your perfect soul mate is that she would probably want to get married, then four weeks after the wedding you would meet another perfect soul mate, with larger breasts.


A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character.

Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence.

The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common - they were both compulsive liars.


Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

bullet "My girlfriend is not a ball and chain--she's more of a spring-loaded trap." --Kevin Hench

"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can't live without me, and she wants to marry me."
"And you're asking my permission to marry her?"

"No, I'm asking you to make her leave me the hell alone."

bullet Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
bullet A midget sidles up to a tall blonde and says, "Hey, what do you say to a little fuck?"
She says, "Hello, you Little Fuck."
bullet This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"

The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

bullet A young man was out on a date with a rather flat-chested girl. The evening ended on the sofa in her apartment. The boy put his arm around her and made a few preliminary passes.

The girl stiffened indignantly. "Here, here!" she exclaimed.

"Where, where?" he replied.

bullet Q: What's the definition of eternity?
A: From the time you cum, 'till the time she goes home.

Back to the Top

His Date Orders The Most Expensive Food on the Menu

A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.

To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne...the works.

Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"

"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get into my panties."
Back to the Top

When You're Hung Like a Horse...

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse! 

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!  The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Back to the Top

A Freshman Asks a Junior to Dance

A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."

"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."
Back to the Top

A Collection of Short Bar Pick-Up Jokes

The bar was getting ready to close, so he asked the nearest woman: "What would you say to a little "oral" activity?"

"That all depends," she quickly responded. "Your face, or mine?"

A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he noticed about her though, was her pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them.

After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.

"Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?" he asks.

"Well," she replied, "You can start by buying me a drink."

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe? You and me?"

As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."

She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"

This guy enters a bar and orders two shots of vodka. He drinks the first and dumps the second on his right hand. He then orders a second round of shots, drinks the first and again dumps the second on his right hand.

The bartender sees this and becomes curious as the guy orders a third round and does the exact same thing.

So the bartender asks the guy, "Hey man I hope you don't mind me asking but why the waste of good drinks?"

The man say's, "I have to get my date drunk!"

While nursing a drink at a bar, a young woman was distressed to see a drunken, unkempt man sit down next to her. He says, "Say, honey. . . I'd really like to get into those pants o' yours."

"Thanks," she shot back, "but I've already got an asshole in there."

An obnoxious guy walks into the neighborhod bar and sits next to a local honey already having her first drink. She continually ignores his attempts at conversation.

Finally he says, "You know me, why don't you talk to me?"

She replies, "Yes, I know you. You're Morgan - big M, small organ."

Back to the Top

Playing a Game to Get Her Clothes Off

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore, " she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.

At 60 off came the pants.

At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help, " he said.

"I don't have anything to cover myself with! " she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend! " she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!

"The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!
Back to the Top

A Little Higher...

The shy young man and his shapely date were parked under a romantic moon. Placing his hand on her thigh, he whispered, "I love you."

With a deep sigh, the girl replied, "A little higher."

"I love you," came the higher-pitched reply.
Back to the Top

Joan Arranges a Date for Her Sister

Joan had invited her younger sister, Nancy, to leave her country home and come to the city for a weekend to see how the urban half lived. She also arranged for a friend of hers named Bill to take Nancy out for a night on the town.

After a pleasant dinner and a show, Bill and Nancy went to Bill's apartment for a nightcap. They talked and listened to soft music for a pleasant interlude; then Bill suggested they retire to the bedroom.

"Oh, no," Nancy protested. "I don't think my sister would like it."

"Nonsense," said Bill, as he gently took her arm. "She loves it."
Back to the Top

Selecting a Personals Ad for the First Time

After 4 years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three ads that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.

Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me."
Back to the Top

Are Youa Finish?

An Italian guy is out picking up chicks in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract a very beautiful blonde woman. So they go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while he climaxes loudly, rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, "Are youa finish?"

After a slight pause she replies, "No."

Surprised, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her and has his way with her again--this time lasting even longer than the first.

Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette and asks, "Youa finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she simply says, "No."

Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he mounts her again. This time with all the strength he could muster. He barely manages to end the task, but he does.

Exhausted, he reaches for his cigarette. "Soa, youa finish, or what?!"

"No," comes her reply. "I am Swedish."
Back to the Top

Proposing Marriage After Only 5 Minutes

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Right away he began flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. There is no way you could be so sure. We don't know a thing about each other."

"You're wrong," the young man declared. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his accounts.
Back to the Top

A Divorcee Falls for Her Divorce Lawyer

A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man.

"Oh, Howard," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?"

Taking her by the shoulders, Howard held her tight, "Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms - is that really what you want for us?"

"No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick.

"Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."
Back to the Top

I've Got Three Tickets for the Show

The boyfriend said, "We're going to have a GREAT time Saturday. I've got three tickets for the show."

"Why do we need three?" asked the girl.

"They're for your father, mother and kid sister," he replied.
Back to the Top

If I Drank a Six-Pack You'd Look Like Her

Driving my friend Bill and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer. Bill's girlfriend glanced up at it and said, "I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her."

"No," Bill corrected, "If I drank a six-pack, you'd look like her."
Back to the Top

Having A Hard Time Making Conversation

A young man who was rather awkward and shy asked one of his older, more experienced friends how he was always so successful with the ladies.

"It's easy," said the older of the two. "The trick is to get the conversation rolling. I always start with one of three topics; family, food or philosophy. Any girl in the world is bound to have something to say on one of those subjects. And once you get her talking it's easy from there!"

The very next night the young man had a date, but in the first five minutes a complete silence had fallen over the table. Finally, remembering his friend's advice, he cleared his throat and began, "So, do you have a brother?"

His date replied briefly, "No."

That didn't go very well. She didn't offer any kind of follow up information at all. Maybe he would have better luck with food. ", do you like Chinese food?" 

Again she replied just like before, "No."

Now he was desperate. The minutes ticked away while the young man racked his brains for some kind of philosophical question. Finally he said, "Tell me, IF you had a brother, would HE have liked Chinese food?"
Back to the Top

Wanna Go Camping?

A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and asked, "If you woke up in the woods, scratched your butt and found Vaseline all over it, would you tell anyone?"

"Hell no!" the guy said.

The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone then?"

The man said, "Of course not!"

The stranger said, "Wanna go camping?"
Back to the Top

Knock Knock Joke

"Knock, Knock!"

"Who's there?"


"Emerson who?"

"Emerson nice tits ya got there!"
Back to the Top

Do You Like Doing It Greek Style?

A man goes into a little neighborhood pub and he sits down. He notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar, waves to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him. It doesn't take long before he is on the stool next to her.

They talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman, "You're really hot!"

"You're pretty cute, too," she says to him. "I'll tell you what. I live just around the corner. What do you think about coming up to my place?"

"It sounds great!" the man eagerly replies.

"Before we go up there, though," the woman says, "I have to ask you one question. Do you like doing it Greek style?"

"Well...uh...I'm not exactly sure what that is," the man answers, "but it sure sounds interesting and I'm willing to learn! Let's go!"

So the two of them walk over to her apartment. As soon as they get inside the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. The man can't believe his eyes. The woman has an incredibly beautiful body. "Now, you're sure," the woman asks, "that you want to do it Greek style?"

"Definitely!" the man replies.

"All right, then," says the woman. "Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on yours hands and knees."

"Sounds like fun!" the man exclaims. He leaps out of his clothes and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees.  The woman goes around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man. She kneels down in front of his head. She asks him again, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"

"Yeah! Yeah!" says the man.

The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting him in a lock hold. He can't move at all, and his head is pressing right into her chest.  One more time she says, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"

The man's muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts. "Yeah!" he mumbles, "Greek style!" 

The woman's grip on him tightens like a vise, and she yells out, "O.K. Gus, he's all yours!"
Back to the Top

OK, Ma, Guess Which One is My Fiancée

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition to my fiancée, and you have to try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."

"That's amazing! You're right, how did you know?"

The mother folds her arms across her chest and says, "I don't like her."
Back to the Top

I Met the Waitress of My Dreams

Not long ago I met the waitress of my dreams.

About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and said, "Ma'am, this potato is bad."

She nodded, picked up the potato and smacked it. Then she put it back on my plate and said, "Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know."
Back to the Top

How to Decipher Personals Ads

Handy Dictionary to decipher Personals Ads


40-ish......................     49
Adventurer............... ... Slept with all your friends
Athletic....................     No tits
Average looking........... Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful...................    Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..........Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated....................  Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure....... Medicated
Feminist....................    Fat ballbuster
Free spirit.................    Junkie
Friendship first............  Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun.........................      Annoying
Gentle......................     Comatose
Good Listener...............Borderline Autistic
New-Age..................... All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned............... Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
Open-minded................ Desperate
Outgoing....................    Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate..................    Sloppy drunk
Poet........................       Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional................    Certified Bitch
Redhead.....................    Bad dye-job
Reubenesque................  Grossly Fat
Romantic....................    Looks better by candle light
Social......................       Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres  tray
Voluptuous..................   Very Fat
Weight proportion w/ height.      Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.............. Stalker
Widow.......................     Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart..............  Old bat


40-ish................       52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic..............       Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking......  Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated..............    Will patronize the shit out of you
Free Spirit...........     Banging your sister
Friendship first......    As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun...................        Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking.......... Arrogant
Very good looking.... Dumb as a board
Honest................     Pathological Liar
Huggable..............   Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle....... Insecure mama's boy
Mature................    Older than your father
Open-minded..........Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested
Physically fit........     Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet..................      Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive.............     Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive........  Gay
Spiritual.............     Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable................     Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Back to the Top

Who's Picture is That?

After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man. The guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?"

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" asked the bewildered guy.

The girl replied, "That's me before the surgery.
Back to the Top

Her Mother Told Her to Say No

Joe took a girl out on their first date. When they pulled off into a secluded area, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no to everything."

"Well," Joe said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?"

"No," the girl replied.

"Do you mind if I put my other hand on your knee?"

"N-n-no," the girl replied.

"You know," Joe said, "We're going to have a lot of fun if you're serious about this."
Back to the Top

A Girl's Best Friends are Her Own Two Legs

After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly, she jerked away, got out of the car in a hurry, and ran home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her own two legs."

On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were kissing passionately, Carl slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car, and hurried home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs."

On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time, Mary didn't get home until very late. That night, she wrote in her diary, "There comes a time when even the best of friends must part."
Back to the Top

Buying a Lesbian a Drink at a Bar

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat. He orders a drink and looks around to scope out any hot chicks. He spies one at the end of the bar and asks the bartender to send her a drink.

The bartender says, "Buddy, you don't want to buy her a drink. She's a waste of time."

The guy says, "Waste of time? She's hot."

Bartender, "She's a lesbian."

Guy, "So, I wanna buy her a drink anyway. Maybe today she'll swing the other way."

So the bartender takes the woman a drink and points to the guy who bought it for her. Sure enough, she gets off of her barstool and makes her way down the bar where she takes a seat next to the guy.

She seductively says, "Thanks for the drink. Would you like to see my tits?"

"Sure!" he says happily. So she pulls her blouse up, and he leans forward and takes a nice long look at her tits.

"Would you like to touch my thighs?" she purrs.

"Oh, yeah." So she hikes up her skirt and he runs his hands up and down her thighs.

Now she gets right in his face and whispers, "Would you like to smell pussy?"

"Absolutely." So she puts her finger on his chin and blows in his face.
Back to the Top

Getting Out of a Blind Date

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't stand another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him on the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim statement and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather has just died."

"Thank God," his date said. "If yours hadn't, mine would've had to."
Back to the Top

What Will She Tell Her Sunday School Class?

Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and, once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays.

On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?" "Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, Ole was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his Ford and was driving Lena home when they passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena. Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena.

The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her hair all spread out on her pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"
Back to the Top

Do You Want to go a Little Farther?

Young Zeke was on his way home from the market when he saw a girl from the next farm and offered her a ride.

Pretty soon, they came to a clump of trees, and she asked him to stop.

Seeing that he was bashful, she took his face in her hands and kissed him. Then she asked, "Do you want to go a little farther?"

He said, "Yep. Giddy up, Betsy."

So they rode a little farther, and she asked him to pull up at another shady spot. Then she took one of his hands and placed it inside her bosom and his other hand on her thigh, and asked. "Do you want to go a little farther?"

Again he said, "Yep. Giddy up, Betsy."

So, when they stopped at the third bushy place, she reached over, opened his fly and took his pecker out. She spread herself before him and asked, "Now, do you want me to put it in for you?"

He replied, "Yep. My paw would kill me if I came home with it hanging out."

Back to the Top