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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To
which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!" An Opportunity he just couldn't pass up... A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes that she is headed straight toward his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Low and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?" She turns and smiles and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." Whoa! He swallows hard and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?" She flips her long hair back, turns to him, looks into his eyes, and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really", he says, swallowing hard, again. "And what myths are those?" She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed, when, in fact, it is the Native American who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average." "Very interesting" the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name." The
man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto, Tonto Horowitz." A Man and a Woman meet on a Train A man
and a woman who have never met before find themselves assigned to the
same sleeping carriage of a train. A man
and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started
bantering back and forth about male / female issues. They talked about
who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc.
The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came
up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The Best and Worst Pick-up Lines Hi Dorothy, I'm the Wizard. I'm here to grant your wish and take you home. DO YOU USE WINDEX ON THOSE PANTS? CAUSE I CAN SEE MYSELF IN THEM. DO YOU BELIEVE
IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT, OR SHOULD I WALK BY AGAIN? ...I wish
you were a door so I could slam you all day long. "Hey
baby, how 'bout you and me go play army? Continuing on... 1. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes. 2. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package. 3. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money? 4. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you. 5. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one? 6. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight. 7. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag. 8. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked. 9. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven? 10. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. 11. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy. 12. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue. 13. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions? 14. My name is ______ ... remember that, you'll be screaming it later. 15. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again? Standing
in front of a drop dead gorgeous blonde, this guy looked down to his groin
and then back at her face about three times very, very obviously. And our favorite responses... Man: Your
body is like a temple. Man: How
do you like your eggs in the morning? Man: Hey
baby, what's your sign? Man: So,
what do you do for a living? Man: Haven't
I seen you someplace before? Man: Where
have you been all my life? Man: I would
go to the end of the world for you. Man: If I
could see you naked, I'd die happy. Man: Is this
seat empty? Man: Your
place or mine? Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their professions.
You'll Get the Wrong Idea About Me The attractive young miss was about to go to bed with her blind date when she burst into tears. "I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she said between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl!" "I believe you," her date said, as he tried to comfort her. "You're the first one," she gulped. "The first one to make love to you?" he asked. "No, silly,"
she replied. "The first one to believe me!" A woman goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!!!" The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!!!". Once again the woman smiled and thought, 'yes!'. A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father
looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away
from her before she shits on you!" Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anyone else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Jeez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship, maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Elaine is thinking:
But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes
I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether
I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward
I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other
at this level of intimacy? And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was lets see . . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means lemme check the odometer .. whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Elaine is thinking: he's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected. And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. And Elaine is thinking: he's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't hell the way I feel. I'm just not sure. And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs. And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn, warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their... "Roger, Elaine says aloud. 'What?'' says Roger, startled. "Please don't torture yourself like this", she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . Oh God, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.) What?'' says Roger. "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, 1 know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse." "There's no horse?" says Roger. "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says. "No," says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer. "It's just that ...It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says. There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says. "What way?" says Roger. "That way about time," says Elaine. "Oh," says Roger. "Yes." Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into to his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks. "Thank you, Roger," she says. "Thank you," says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a re-run of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.) The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either. Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine
ever own a horse?" A young single guy is stranded on a deserted island. As he washes ashore, he sees a women passed out in the sand. Able to perform CPR on her, he saves her life. As she regains consciousness, he realizes that the woman is Cindy Crawford. Immediately, Cindy falls in love with the man who saved her life. Days and weeks go by, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. True Heaven on earth in the man's eyes. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's wrong, sweetheart?" she asks. "I know we're stranded, but we're in love and we have a wonderful life together. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?" He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt and pants?" "Sure," she says, "if it'll help." He takes off his shirt and pants and she puts them on. "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks. "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says. Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a half hour later. He rushes up to her,
grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe
who I'm sleeping with!" A man and a woman
were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another
order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding
down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out
of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared
calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table
and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband
just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and
replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door." A guy met a girl at a nightclub and she invited him back to her place for the night. When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom. The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them all over the place! Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill, and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf. Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked, "So...how was I?" "Well,"
she said, "You can take anything from the bottom shelf." A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine. He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world. "On the other
hand, Port makes me fart." "First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose." "Oh, no you're not," said the girl. "Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks." "Oh, no you're not." "Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks." "Oh, no you're not." "Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you." "Oh, no you're not." "And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy. "Oh, yes you
are!" said the girl. A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne...the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?" "No," she
said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either." I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said, "Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?" She said, "Do you like sex?" I said, "Of course, I like sex." She said, "Do you like to travel?" I said, "Yeah, I love to travel." She said, "Then
fuck off." Catching Up at the Class Reunion A guy goes to his high school class reunion. Not having seen anyone in twenty five years he's very curious as to who might show up. When he gets there, he runs into his old high school sweetheart. They sit down and catch up on old times. "How have you been?" he asks. "I've been fine, just fine," she replies, "I do have some good news and bad news for you, though." "Really?" The guy is worried. "What kind of bad news could you have for me after all these years?" "Well, a few weeks ago I had to have a hysterectomy." "Oh my, that's too bad," the guy says, breathing a sigh of relief. "I'm sorry to hear that. What was the good news?" "The good news
is the doctor found your old high school class ring you thought you lost." Roy was extolling the virtues of his new girlfriend. In fact, she was so perfect in every way that he'd asked her to marry him, and she accepted. Why, he was the luckiest man in the entire universe. "I'm really happy for you, Roy," his best friend assured him. "And what did you say this paragon's name is?" "Betty Jo," replied Roy, a look of pure happiness coming over his face at the mere mention of her name. "Betty Jo Bronowski." "Not Betty Jo Bronowski!" yelled his buddy. "Roy, you can't be serious about marrying her. She's slept with every man in Poughkeepsie!" A frown passed over
Roy's face as he reflected briefly. "Heck," he responded, "Poughkeepsie's
not such a big town." An Emergency Call to the Dentist The dentist was called away from the dinner table to take an urgent phone call. It was Mr. Tuckerman, explaining that young Junior had gotten himself into quite a fix. "See, he was kissing his girlfriend, and when my wife and I came back from the movies we found them stuck together." "I'll come right over, Mr. Tuckerman," said the dentist calmly, "and don't worry about a thing. I have to unlock teenagers' braces all the time." Mr. Tuckerman whispered,
"Yes, but from an IUD?" How
can I tell if my current relationship (less than 2 months after the last
one) is serious or just a rebound? Girlfriend: As
a general rule, 'any' current relationship that happens less than 2 months
after the last one is a rebound. The one consistent exception is when
the duration of the last relationship was shorter than the intervening
time period. A few other helpful indicators:
Good
luck, and happy hunting. The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, "Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?" Her tone, upon answering, was slightly more than irritable. "Of course you
are!" she said, "and the best, too--I don't know why you men
always ask the same old ridiculous questions." Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road. "I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine." "No," said Fred, " I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine." "The 'here after' routine-----what's that?", she wanted to know. "If you're not
here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone." Mary's Boyfriend Has a Fantasy Mary: "My last boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once." Jill: "Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?" Mary: "I said,
'If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off two?'" The Perfect Man Finds The Perfect Woman... An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East Coast, he started to head West. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well,"
explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could
hardly tell, pregnant when you met her." Dave Proposes...That She Buy Him a Computer Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer. Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer instead. During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring. Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted, "Well, don't you have something to ask me?" Dave then got down
on bended knee. "Honey," he said, "will you buy me a new
computer?" A man picks up a young
woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel. Shy Young Man Meets the Girl of His Dreams Once upon a time,
there was a very wealthy, but very shy, and very lonely, young man, who
lived in the country. There was this guy
who desperately wanted to have sex with his girlfriend. However, he was
too embarrassed about the size of his penis. So one night he took her
to a dark place where she couldn't see it, and after furiously making
out with her, dropped his pants and put his penis in her hand. That's How She Lost Her Other Suitors O'Casey had dated
many a lass, but he finally became entranced with Maureen O'Riley. He
wooed her and pursued her, but she would not give in and go to bed with
him. Finally he proposed marriage and she accepted.
His Date Orders The Most Expensive Food on the Menu
A college
student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together
every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. When
You're Hung Like a Horse...
On the
farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began
to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go
get the farmer for help! Happy
and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer
was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals
was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A
Freshman Asks a Junior to Dance
A rather
awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a
dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry,
I won't dance with a child." A
Collection of Short Bar Pick-Up Jokes
The bar was
getting ready to close, so he asked the nearest woman: "What would
you say to a little "oral" activity?" A guy walked
into a bar and sat down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first
thing he noticed about her though, was her pants. They were skin-tight,
high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro)
for opening them. Having had
one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side. An
unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey!
How about it babe? You and me?" This guy
enters a bar and orders two shots of vodka. He drinks the first and dumps
the second on his right hand. He then orders a second round of shots,
drinks the first and again dumps the second on his right hand. While nursing
a drink at a bar, a young woman was distressed to see a drunken, unkempt
man sit down next to her. He says, "Say, honey. . . I'd really like
to get into those pants o' yours." An obnoxious guy walks
into the neighborhod bar and sits next to a local honey already having
her first drink. She continually ignores his attempts at conversation. Finally he says, "You know me, why don't you talk to me?" She replies,
"Yes, I know you. You're Morgan - big M, small organ." Playing
a Game to Get Her Clothes Off
A
man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held
back the worldly pleasure that he wanted her so bad. In fact, he had never
even seen her naked. A
Little Higher...
Joan Arranges a Date for Her Sister Joan
had invited her younger sister, Nancy, to leave her country home and come
to the city for a weekend to see how the urban half lived. She also arranged
for a friend of hers named Bill to take Nancy out for a night on the town. Selecting a Personals Ad for the First Time After
4 years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted
to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look
in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through
all the listings, I circled three ads that seemed possible in terms of
age and interest, but I put off calling them. An
Italian guy is out picking up chicks in Rome. While at his favorite bar,
he manages to attract a very beautiful blonde woman. So they go back to
his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while he climaxes
loudly, rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, "Are youa
finish?" Proposing Marriage After Only 5 Minutes At
a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive
girl. Right away he began flattering her outrageously. The girl liked
the young man, but she was taken aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She
was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage. A Divorcee Falls for Her Divorce Lawyer A
comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by
the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income
and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals
in love with him, even though he was a married man. I've Got Three Tickets for the Show The
boyfriend said, "We're going to have a GREAT time Saturday. I've
got three tickets for the show." If
I Drank a Six-Pack You'd Look Like Her
Having A Hard Time Making Conversation A
young man who was rather awkward and shy asked one of his older, more
experienced friends how he was always so successful with the ladies. Again
she replied just like before, "No." A
guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and asked, "If
you woke up in the woods, scratched your butt and found Vaseline all over
it, would you tell anyone?" "Knock,
Knock!" Do You Like Doing It Greek Style? A
man goes into a little neighborhood pub and he sits down. He notices a
beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar, waves to her, and
much to his surprise, she winks back at him. It doesn't take long before
he is on the stool next to her. The
woman's grip on him tightens like a vise, and she yells out, "O.K.
Gus, he's all yours!" OK, Ma, Guess Which One is My Fiancée A
young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going
to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over
2 other female friends in addition to my fiancée, and you have to try
and guess which one I'm going to marry." I Met the Waitress of My Dreams Not
long ago I met the waitress of my dreams. Handy
Dictionary to decipher Personals Ads
After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over and was looking
around when he noticed a framed picture of another man. The guy began
to worry. "Is this your husband?" Joe
took a girl out on their first date. When they pulled off into a secluded
area, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no to everything." A Girl's Best Friends are Her Own Two Legs After
dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made
his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried
sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly, she jerked away, got out of
the car in a hurry, and ran home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary,
"A girl's best friends are her own two legs." Buying a Lesbian a Drink at a Bar A
man walks into a bar and takes a seat. He orders a drink and looks around
to scope out any hot chicks. He spies one at the end of the bar and asks
the bartender to send her a drink. After
being with her all evening, the man couldn't stand another minute with
his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call
him on the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like
this happened. What Will She Tell Her Sunday School Class? Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and, once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?" "Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena. Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?" Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?" "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?" Well, Ole was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his Ford and was driving Lena home when they passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?" "Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena. Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena. The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her hair all spread out on her pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" "Lena
said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and
drink to have a good time!" Do You Want to go a Little Farther? Young Zeke was on his way home from the market when he saw a girl from the next farm and offered her a ride. Pretty soon, they came to a clump of trees, and she asked him to stop. Seeing that he was bashful, she took his face in her hands and kissed him. Then she asked, "Do you want to go a little farther?" He said, "Yep. Giddy up, Betsy." So they rode a little farther, and she asked him to pull up at another shady spot. Then she took one of his hands and placed it inside her bosom and his other hand on her thigh, and asked. "Do you want to go a little farther?" Again he said, "Yep. Giddy up, Betsy." So, when they stopped at the third bushy place, she reached over, opened his fly and took his pecker out. She spread herself before him and asked, "Now, do you want me to put it in for you?" He replied,
"Yep. My paw would kill me if I came home with it hanging out." |
