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Bill's About to Ask the Big Question
For months Bill had been Lynn's devoted admirer. At long last he had collected sufficient courage to ask her the momentous question.
"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," Bill began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows."
To his delight,
Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn's eyes. Then she nodded in agreement,
"I think it's a wonderful idea! Can I help you pick out a puppy?"
Mr Avery Has Two Sisters at Home
The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years.
"Mr. Avery, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the girl you need. Say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.
"Don't bother," replies Mr. Avery, "I've two sisters at home who look after all my needs."
"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine."
I Wonder What That Knocking Noise Was
On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man's car engine started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot he said to the young lady next to him, "That's funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?"
tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly, "It wasn't
Paul Can't Control His Erection
Dave walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at the plant that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Dave with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally built up the courage to ask her out and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Dave, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible," says Dave.
"So I got to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
back over the bar again. "I kicked her in the face."
Trying to Get a Date With the Waitress
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.
He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."
said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
she answered, "I thought he was dead."
My Father's Ashes Are in There
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go fix them a couple drinks. As he's standing there he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He turns beat red and says, "Gee, oh...I'm sorry...I..."
"Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."
He does and that warms him up.
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."
He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"
at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
Some teachers at state universities get to know our students fairly well. One instructor told his communications class of his plans to propose marriage.
A student spoke up and said that he had recently asked his girlfriend to marry him as well.
"What was her answer?" the instructor asked.
know," the student replied. "She hasn't e-mailed me back yet."
A hot piece of tail walked into a record store and asked the clerk, "Do you have the latest from Nine Inch Nails?"
The clerk ogled her, then said, "What I have is a splendid 8-inch wanker."
The puzzled girl asked, "Is that a record?"
proudly returned, "No, but it's better than average."
Getting a Peanut Out of his Ear
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"
replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"
She Uses Too Many Four-Letter Words
The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman.
The next day someone asked him how things had gone.
"She uses too many four-letter words for me," was the reply.
answered the playboy. "All evening long she was saying 'don't' and
'stop' and 'quit that.'"
Two cuties were comparing notes concerning their latest boyfriends. The first said, "He took me to his condo in Ocean City and showed me all these expensive jewels. There was an emerald-cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats."
"Impressive." said the second young thing.
yes." the first agreed. "But the downside was that with all
those carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit."
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne...the works.
Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
she said, "but my Mother's not looking to fuck me."
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
"Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
The waitress was tired of this one biker always hitting on her, so she came up with a plan.
"I'll tell ya what, stud. I'll have sex with ya on two conditions. First, it'll cost ya 50 bucks. Second, you have to guarantee me that bells will ring and lights will flash."
handed her $50 and led her over to the pinball machine.
Insider's Guide To The Male Vocabulary
I seen you before?"
different from all the other guys"
the only girl I've ever cared about"
want to get to know you better."
just orange juice, try it."
know if I like her"
you so much"
it good for you?"
do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
a wonderful time last night."
you love me?"
you 'really' love me?"
much do you love me?"
something to tell you."
give you a call."
been thinking a lot."
we should just be friends."
learned a lot from you."
Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found. "He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"
"He said 'will you marry me'?" Marcy asked.
"No, he said 'put your money away'."
One night young Buffy brought her boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance; leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Buffy," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
please, Mom," replied the blonde daughter, "if he wasn't nice,
why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
Inducing Her Boyfriend to Speed
A Man and a Woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.
"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck. "Go to the road and get help," he said.
"I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.
"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.
Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies: "Ma'am,
if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"
A man took a young woman to an X-rated movie, purchased some refreshments and showed his date to her seat.
Soon after the onscreen action started, she put her hand on the man's lap. Looking over at him, she remarked: "I see this is getting you excited, too. But how come it's so cold?"
you're jerking off my popsicle," the man replied.
At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No."
A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"
know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at
your dick' cards?"
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool." says Bobby.
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in-movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, "Whaaaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Bobby.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:
DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69."
"What the hell is that?" asks the guy.
Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs, and you put your head between mine."
Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment, he agrees to try it.
The second they get into position, she lets loose a rip-roaring fart!
"What was that for???" he asks.
"Ooops!.. sorry, let's try it again" she says.
So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose!
The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going??" she asks.
The guy says,
"If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!"
An old farmer's 3 attractive daughters all had dates one night.
When the doorbell first rang, the farmer answered the door with his shotgun in hand.
"Hi, I'm Jim. I'm here to pick up Kim, and we're gonna go for a swim." The farmer allows him to leave with Kim.
A few minutes later the doorbell rings again. With shotgun in hand he opens the door.
"Hi, I'm Eddy. I'm here to pick up Betty, we're going to go eat spaghetti." The farmer allows him to leave with Betty.
A few minutes later the doorbell rings for the third time. After couple of seconds, the farmer's wife, sitting in the living room, hears a gunshot. When the farmer comes back returns, his wife asks, "What happened?"
replies, "That was Chuck."
Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?"
She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit... except that he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks: "What's with this ... a black condom?"
"I want to offer my deepest condolences."
I'm Not Saying She's Easy, But...
on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
A young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage.
One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So... how do you like your rice? Boiled? Or fried?"
a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied, "Thrown."
up his chum Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of a friend of
his. But Michael is a little worried about going out with someone he's
never seen before. "What do I do if she's ugly?" says Mike,
"I'll be stuck with her all night."
So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:
Two buddies were sitting at the bar in a singles' club and talking about another guy who was sitting at the other end of the bar.
"I don't get it," complained the first guy, "He's not good looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car,... yet he always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!"
replies his buddy, "He's not even a very good conversationalist,
all he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows!"
Mary comes home from her date with Tom and is on cloud nine. She happily tears off her clothes, tosses them all around the room jumps into bed and falls fast asleep. The next morning her mom comes in and wakes Mary up and says, "How was your date last night?"
"It was all right, I guess."
"It must have been a lot better than that," says mom, "Your panties are still stuck to the ceiling."