as performed by Larry Miller
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.".
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.".
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like, "Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool.".
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ...................cool.
in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at
the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"),
you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys
who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of
place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta
be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that."
At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like
something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes
over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!"
One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"-
and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst
part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You
never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their
way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they
say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay
up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're
over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer
then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as
I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this
time, I mean it!"
Staking out a notoriously rowdy bar for possible D.U.I. violators, a cop watched from his squad car as a fellow stumbled out the door, tripped on the curb and tried 45 cars before opening the door to his own and falling asleep on the front seat.
One by one, the drivers of the other cars drove off. Finally, the sleeper woke up, started his car and began to leave. The cop pulled him over and administered a Breathalyzer test. When the results showed a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, the puzzled policeman asked him how that was possible.
was the reply. "Tonight was my turn to be the decoy"
A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. he grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks," How did you do that???? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!!!" The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar.
other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. he drinks
it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't
slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila
and the bartender says to him," You're really an asshole when you're
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and
yelled "SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it's closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut 'em up, and snort 'em just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"
third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to screw the cat."
Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail.
His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking."
They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?"
"Oh, no, sir," the driver replies.
"I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks.
"Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."
"Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?"
easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics,
and we're on the Patch!"
There was this guy who went into a bar. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, are you a bettin' man?"
The bartender replied, "Certainly! I'm always a bettin' man!" To which the man said, "I'll bet you $50 that I can lick my right eye."
The bartender thought about this a while and finally agreed to the bet. The man reached up and pulled out his glass right eye and licked it. The bartender groaned and begrudgingly gave the man his $50 telling him to leave his bar.
A week or so later, the same man appeared in the bar. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, are you still a bettin' man?" The bartender replied, "Certainly! I told you I'm always a bettin' man!" To which the man said, "I'll bet you $100 that I can bite my left eye."
Well, the bartender thought he had him on this one! There was no way that he had TWO glass eyes so the bartender agreed. The man reached up to his mouth, pulled out his dentures and clicked them on his left eye. The bartender moaned and paid the man his $100 telling him to get out of his bar.
A week or so later, the same man ventured into the bar again. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, are you still a bettin' man?" The bartender said, although with a little caution this time, "Certainly! I told you I'm always a bettin' man!" To which the man said, "Give me a shot of whiskey." The bartender poured the man a shot and he drank it down. Slamming the glass on the bar he said, "I'll bet you $500 that you can spin me around on this bar stool and I can piss in that glass right where it lays and not miss a drop."
Well, the bartender's eyes lit up. Here was one time that he was certain that he would win! "Agreed!" he cried. Coming out from around the bar, he grabbed onto the man's bar stool and spun it as hard as he could.
Well, the man just let loose and piss flew everyplace! Not so much as one drop even came close to the glass and the bartender was soaked. When he was done, the bartender was laughing and laughing and holding out his hand. The man pulled out his wallet and gave him his $500. But the bartender was puzzled and as he was wiping off his face, he asked the man, "Why did you bet me $500 that you could piss in that shot glass on the bar when you had to have known there wasn't any possible way to do it?"
man just smiled and told him, "You may have won $500 off me but I
bet that guy over in the corner $10,000 that I could piss all over you
and your bar and you would just laugh!"
is sitting in a New York bar one night, drinking Irish Whiskey, and suddenly
hears the man who's just sat down on the next stool order the same thing.
He turns and looks him over,
the two Irishmen are back slapping and exclaiming, a third gentleman walks
up to the bar. "Bartender, would you get me a Scotch & soda?"
A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home.
Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.
The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.
"Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys.
Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.
He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.
"Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home."
was nice of you," she says, looking around, "But where's his
A Guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says 'I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play'.
The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus' owner pockets the fifty bucks. Next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo.
The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus' owner.
The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm.
He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, 'now if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars'.
The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner comes up and says 'What are you wasting time for? Hurry up and play the damn thing!'
octopus says 'Play it? If I can work out how to get its pajamas off, I'm
gonna screw it!'
Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda......no."
is, he got out three times to pee."
A man walks into a bar. He and the bartender are the only ones there. After ordering a drink he puts his thumb up to his ear and his little finger in front of his mouth and begins talking.
The bartender says "hey what are you doing"
The man says "Oh, I am a secret agent and my hand is actually a phone."
The Bartender says: "No, way I don't believe it."
Man says: "Here try it who do you want to call?"
Bartender calls his wife and say: "Honey I am talking to you from some guys hand. ----- no I haven't been drinking,----- no it is really a guys hand he is a secret agent or something,---- okay I'll sober up before coming home even though I am not drunk."
The man walks off and goes into the bath room. Several of the bartenders friend enter the bar and he proceeds to tell them about the guy with a phone in his hand. They all laugh and call him a liar. They say: "Where is this guy, now"
"In the john" says the barman.
They wait and wait and the guy never comes out. So the get up together and go into the bathroom. As the enter they see the man with both hands up against the wall, his pants down to his ankle, and a line of toilet paper still connected to the roll running up to his ass.
The barman yells: What the hell to you think you are doing in here?"
secret agent answers: "Got a fax coming in"
old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.
Then the old man gestured at the bar. Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Bar- Builder? Noooo......."
Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Noooo......."
the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying
attention. "But ya screw one goat....."
A guy goes into a bar and orders seven shots of Tequila and one beer chaser.
The bartender lines up seven shots and goes to get the beer. When he comes back with the beer only moments later, all seven shots were gone. The bartender said, "Wow! You sure drank those fast." The guy explains, You'd drink fast too if you had what I have."
bartender asks, "What do you have?" The guy reaches into his
pocket and says "Fifty cents!"
"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful
thing it was, but not much use in a fight."
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
There was a rather loud disturbance in the wee hours of the morning, outside the pub. An Irishman named Pat wandered back and forth on the sidewalk into the street, then onto the sidewalk and back into the street in front of the pub. He was hollering and swearing as he stumbled back and forth while holding half a pint in one hand and a key in the other.
A small crowd begins to grow when, finally, the constables arrive on the scene. Seeing that what they were dealing with is one rather inebriated and irate young man, one of them approached him and asked, "Can I help you lad?"
"Yesss, schur," the Irishman slurred. "Sshumbody stoll me car!"
"Well now lad," the constable inquires, "where was your car last time you saw it?"
Waving his hand in the air in the front of himself, as if to put the key into the ignition, the Irishman says "Wey, it was at the eind of me key."
At the same time, the other cop has noticed that the Irishman's zipper is down, and it's all there to be seen, so he quietly asks "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Irishman looks down, drops his shoulders woefully and moans "Oh me
god, they got me girl too!"
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts
to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and
found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hamburger: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs anxiously, "I am."
man replies.... "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and asked, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slow. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed,
"Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"
A guy walks
into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking
it the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some
olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats
them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in
his mouth and swallows it whole.
that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything
in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures
alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives,
she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When
he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar, and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else.
After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink, which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
I'm not under the
affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as
you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker
I stand here, the longer I get.
Three Drunk Irishmen were rumbling through a cemetery in search of the oldest person buried there. One blasted bloke, Shamus yells out, "Here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Shamus lights a match
to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "
He was 'Miles, from Dublin.'"
A man walks into a bar and slips on a big pile of shit. The bar man says "Sorry pal, I've been meaning to clean that up all afternoon. So what'll it be?" The man orders his drink and thinks nothing of his misfortune.
A second man walks into the bar and again, slips on the pile of shit, skidding up to the bar. The first man casually looks at him and says "I did that five minutes ago."
So the second man
turns round and punches his lights out.
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered, "Whaddyou shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "Listen Mister, it opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't
wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!"
A regular walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, hmm?"
"Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!"
The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round. The next night the same man walks back in, "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"
With a wondrous look
on his face, the man pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket and
says, "You mean they PAY me too?"
One Irishman was downing them faster than usual when the man on the barstool next to him said, "What's wrong?"
The first Irishman said, "I'm drinking to the memory of my wife. She was a saint on earth. She went to church every single morning, spent her days reading and quoting the Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evening, filled our house with religious statues and paintings, and invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week."
"She sounds like an angel," the second man commented, "I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself."
first Irishman replied. "I strangled her."
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of beer and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks
confused for a moment, and then it occurs to him what's happening. "oh,
no, " he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking.
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best piece of ass in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mother, and it was sw-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mother was squealing the whole time!"
Finally the guy interrupts.
"Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
A drunk in a bar barfs all over his own shirt. "Damn," he says. "I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she's gonna kill me."
"Not to worry," says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk's pocket. "Just tell her somebody puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning expenses."
So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. "Why are there two twenties?" she asks.
The drunk replies,
"Oh, yeah, he shit in my pants, too."
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster more efficient machine. The result of this in depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve during their college years.
This is a call to
arms. As our country is losing its technological edge, we must not shudder
in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and
country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the
career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you
A man's been drinking in the bar alone for three hours straight, and the bartender is getting worried about him. He's downing whiskey sour after whiskey sour.
Finally, after the man orders his twelfth whiskey sour, the bartender shakes his head and says, "Sir, I think you've had enough."
The drunk looks at the bartender closely and says, "Wha - what's that you say?"
The bartender swallows. "I said, I think you've had enough sir."
The drunk points a
finger, "Lis - listen Jack, I been drrrinking for thirty-six years
and I have no idea when I've had enough - so h-how the h-hell should you?"
A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer.
The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"
"Sure," said the bartender, and he did.
"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."
"Certainly." And it was done.
"If," said the armless man, "You'd reach in my right-hand pants pocket, you'll find the money for the beer."
The bartender got it.
"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?"
"Out the door,"
said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one
in a filling station on the corner."
Murphy had been at the pub putting down a few pints and was driving home when the constable spotted him weaving all over the road. So the constable stopped him and said to him, "Murphy lad, I think ye've been drinkin' a wee too much ta be drivin'."
Murphy says, "Naw Andy...I'm as sober as a judge"
"But I saw ye come from the pub...and I've been following you. Y've been weavin' all over the road."
"Well," says Murphy, "Maybe I've had one er two."
"ONE ER TWO?! Your missus fell outa the car two miles back and you didn't even know it!"
Murphy says, "Thank
God! I thought I was goin deaf!"
A drunken man was casually taking a piss into a drinking fountain in the park. A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.
"What the hell do you think you're doing? There's a public toilet 20 meters from here!"
The man, amazed, yells
back. "What do you think I have, a hose?"
Seems this bootlegger came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He stopped a man on the street, saying to him: "Here, friend, take a drink outta my jug."
The man protested, saying he never drank.
Unimpressed, the bootlegger leveled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded: "Drink!"
The stranger drank, shuddered, shivered and coughed.
"God! That's awful stuff!"
"Ain't it, though?"
replied the bootlegger. "Now here, you hold the gun on me while I
take a swig."
A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning to find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door.
"Out drinking again!?" she says. "How much money did you spend this time?"
"$100," answers the man.
"$100!" she shouts. "That's ridiculous, spending that much in one night!"
"Easy for you
to say," he replies. "You don't smoke, you don't drink, and
you have your own pussy."
A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he needs to piss, so he makes his way into the cemetery behind the tavern. He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance and falls in.
There's a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night yelling, "Help me, I'm cold! Someone help me, I'm cold!"
At closing time, another
drunk walks behind the bar to piss, and hears the noise. He gets to the
open grave, looks down and says, "Of course you're cold, you stupid
son-of-a-bitch, you kicked all the dirt off yourself!"
A cop stops his patrol car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The guy is laying on his side with his pants pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.
The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"
The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pouring down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."
The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."
She says, "Yeah?
Wait till I put this finger in his mouth."
A sailor just in from a long cruise, is getting pretty drunk. He gets up from the bar and heads for the head. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what his crazy sloshed sailor is screaming about. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the crapper and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender
opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on
the mop bucket!!!"
Bartender: "What'll you have?"
Consumer: "A scotch, please."
The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars.
The imbiber says, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sifting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then offers, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the smiling drinker, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.
The next day, the winner walks into the bar.
The bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
"What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"
"I bet," says the bartender. "You must have a double then."
"Thank you. Make
it a scotch."
One day a fag was jogging through the park. There was a wino passed out on the park bench, so the jogger decided, "Ah, what the hell", went over, dropped the wino's pants, gave it to him up the ass, then took $10.00 and put it in the wino's pocket.
When the wino awoke he reached in his pocket found the $10.00 and went straight to the liquor store, and asked the clerk for his most expensive bottle of wine.
Next day the fag was jogging through park and again the same old wino is all passed out on the park bench. So the fag drops the wino's pants, does him up the ass again, then puts another $10.00 in the wino's pocket.
The wino wakes up, finds another $10.00 and heads straight to the liquor store, and tells the clerk, "I want your best bottle of wine."
Come the 3rd day, the faggot is jogging through the park sees the same old wino passed out. So he drops the wino's pants and gives it to him up the ass yet again, but when he goes to get $10.00 out of his pocket, he finds out he only has a $20.00. So he gives the wino the $20.00.
The wino wakes up, finds the $20.00, goes right to the liquor store, and tells the clerk that he wants the cheapest bottle of wine.
The clerk says, "Wait a minute. Two days in a row you come in here with $10.00, and want my most expensive bottle of wine. Today, you have $20.00 and want the cheapest. What gives?"
The wino replies,
"Yeah, well, that expensive stuff is making my ass burn."
One night a grasshopper
hops into a bar, and the bartender turns to him and says, "Hi, little
fellow, did you know that we serve a drink here that's named after you?"
An Irishman walks
out of a bar in Ireland, drunk of course. He walks down the street and
approaches a nun.
A drunk came from
a bar at two o'clock in the morning and promptly walked into the nearest
light post. Unable to see straight, he felt the post carefully with his
hands and proceeded to walk all around it three or four times, examining
all sides of the post with his hands. Finally, he slumped down on the
curb and buried his head in his hands.
A man is driving late
one Saturday night when a cop pulls him over. The policeman walked up
to the man and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
A drunk went into
a telephone booth and dialed a number at random.
Two drunks are walking
along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look
at the moon."
One afternoon at Cheers,
Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm...
knew my father was an alcoholic until he came home sober one night.
the difference between a dog and a fox?
Save on booze by drinking
cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the
effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid
and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
A drunk walked up to a parking meter and put in a quarter. The dial went to 60. He said, "How about that. I lost 100 pounds."
How do you know that
a female bartender is pissed off with you?
A Texan walks into
a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says,
"I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American
dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."