A baby penguin
walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Have you seen my dad?"
goes to the local pub to celebrate St. Patrick's Day, like he does every
day, and gets wasted out of his mind. He stumbles outside when the
bartender tells him that he's had enough, but he can barely walk.
So he leans up against a tree, where he passes out.
Irishman gets on a train and asks the conductor how long the trip is between
Limerick to Cork. "About two hours," says the conductor.
Wife Tries a New Approach
deep concern, Dick noted that his friend Conrad was far drunker than he'd
ever seen him before. He walked over to the bar and asked, "What's
the trouble, buddy?"
who stutters badly, walks into a bar, and says, "Ssay! Bbbartender,
gggimme a bbbeer".
Two men at
bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours. One of
them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.
show that women who drink tea are twice as likely to get pregnant.
when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look
into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their
hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work
and their dreams would be shattered.
drunk man was walking along the street one day. He was staggering quite
a bit and made two nuns that were approaching him, very nervous. The two
nuns split apart and one walked to the man's left and one walked to the
The car sped
off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced
off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had
witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver
out of the wreck.
inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb
and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to
take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your wife
ever...well, you know...does she...well, let you do it doggie style?"
asked one of the two.
man sitting in a bar who is really, really drunk. When the bar closes
he gets up to go home. He stumbles and falls couple of times and finally
manages to get out of the door. As he gathers himself, he sees a nun passing
by. He stumbles over to her and starts punching her in the face. The nun
is shocked beyond belief, but before she could say anything, he leans
over and punches her again.
at The Local Bar, bragging about his athletic prowess. None of the regulars
challenged him, but a visitor piped up, "I'll bet you 50 bucks that
I can push something in a wheelbarrow for one block and you can't wheel
the bar, glum Roger told the barkeeper that he was drinking to forget
the heartbreak of his broken engagement. "Yeah," said Roger,
"would you marry someone who didn't know the meaning of the word
faithful, and who was flip and even vicious when the subject of fidelity
A Duck walks
into a bar and orders a beer. The barman says, "Hey, you're a duck!"
A new guy
in the neighborhood walks into a local bar and orders a beer. The place
is full of regulars talking and drinking. Suddenly one fellow at the end
of the bar stands up and says, "Hey everybody, 16!" and the
room erupts into laughter.
was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock
ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the
front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband,
drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
At the end
of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Scottish bloke - 6ft 5 and 350lbs. He's
having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks
in and sits beside him. After three or four beers the queer fella finally
plucks up the courage to say something to the Liverpudlian.
home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub.
He made such a racket hitting into the furniture as he weaved his way
through the house, that he woke up the missus.
this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when
all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him
clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy says, "That
was a karate chop from Korea."
So the little
guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly
leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without
saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --Bong!!!"--bangs
the big guy off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks
at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a
crowbar from Sears."
drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman
seated at the bar, he walked over to her and kissed her.
home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub.
He made such a racket hitting into the furniture as he weaved his way
through the house, that he woke up the misses.
The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs.
"Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
"I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man. "And why not?"
I'm the barman at your regular pub!"
One night a district judge went out on a binge and threw up all over his new suit. He came home that night, disrobed then passed out next to his wife.
The next morning his wife woke him up and asked him what happened to his suit.
"Well," the judge replied, "last night I decided to ride around with the city police while they made a few arrests on some drunk drivers. They loaded a drunk up in the car and he threw up all over me. But don't worry dear, this morning when he comes before me in court, I'll make sure he pays enough to clean my suit."
That morning in court his wife called him up on the telephone. She asked, "John have you run that drunk through court, that threw up on your suit?"
The judge answered, "No."
She replied, "Well you'd better charge him a lot more cause he shit your pants, too."
Judge Flynn has his shoes in his hand and is sneaking out of the house when his wife Maura catches him.
where do you think you're sneaking off to?"
if there's any drinking, there will be no living with me."
And, off Flynn goes for an evening of carousing with the boys. He comes home at 2 AM, snot-flying drunk, balls his clothes up, throws them in the laundry, gets fresh clothes, catches a few winks on the couch and sneaks out before herself is awake.
At 9:30 AM he is hearing cases when the clerk of the court slides a note onto the bench. The note says: "It's your wife, she says its urgent!"
So Judge Flynn calls a recess and goes into his office to call home.
bastid Flynn! Didn't I tell you if you went out drinking they'd be no
living with me?"
Maura: "Well, see that you do!"
At 10:00 AM he is still hearing cases when the clerk of the court slides other note onto the bench. The note says: "It's your wife again, she says its urgent!"
So Judge Flynn calls a recess and goes into his office to call home.
has that terrible drunken man been up before you - the one that's going
to get thirty days in jail?"
Two women go out one Friday night without their husbands. As they head back home, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. The only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties, used them to clean herself and discarded them.
The second not finding anything either, thought, "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.
after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one
says to the other, " We have to be on the look-out. It seems that
these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture."
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.
One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup."
The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make? God knows we're in here... and he's the only one who counts."
deacon answered, "Yeah, but God won't tell my wife."
Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon.
Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Specificity; Cogito ergo sum; British; Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate.
Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:
I don't want to have sex; Nope, no more booze for me; Sorry, but you're
not really my type; Good evening, officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn't-no one wants to hear me sing!
"I'm going to give up this drinking," Brian said to his friend. "I got so drunk last night that I just barely staggered home and managed to drag myself up the stairs to the bedroom."
"So what's so bad about that?" his friend Paul asked.
when I opened the bedroom door," Brian said "I found that I
was already in bed making love to my wife."
George comes home very late, and very drunk, and his wife is waiting for him at the door. She says, "You've been out screwing another woman, haven't you?"
He says, "Nope."
She says, "Then explain the lipstick on your shirt."
"That's easy. I used my shirt to wipe off my dick."
For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"
Two old friends, both retired, always made a point of writing to each other during the yearend holidays. This one holiday, as usual, one sat down and typed the following:
Well, here it is, the end of another year, and as is my custom, I take out a little time to write a few of my good friends. It is the time when I remember all the good things that have happened to me in the past twelvemonth; when I reflect on the value of the friendships I have cherished over the years and when, in fact, I indulge myself to the extent of waxing a bit sentimental.
It's a snowy evening, the doorbell rings intermittently, but here in my den it is cozy and comfortable and peaceful. I'm sitting before a nice open fire with my typewriter, sort of half-listening to the strains of Mendelssohn's "A Midsummer Night's Dream," and slowly sipping a nice, very dry double Martini. I surely wish you were here but since you are not, the least I can do is toast your health and happiness for the coming year. So, time out, old pal, while I bend my elbow with thoughts of you.
I just took a recess to mix another Martini and while I was out in the kitchen I thought of all the time I would waste during the evening, chasing back and forth, so I just made up a big picher of martinees and brouggt it back in with me so I'd have it right here beside me and wouldnt have to wast time making more of them. S, now I'm all set and here goes, pal! Besides Marinis are a great drink. For some reason they nevr seem to have the effecr on me in the slightest that they have on oter fellas. Can drinj them all day longg so here goes.
The greatest think in tje whole word is friendship. A n believe me pal you are the greatet pal anybody every had. do you rember all the swel; times wehad to gether pal/ The wonferful times on the road as sales repz I8ll never forgt the time we were in Tledo and met that babe in the swlloon that gorjus redhesd. You rascl you. I remenber you kept puting brandey in my drinj whehn I wasennt looking and it made me sicj and you rascale you snuck ofd with theredheed bab. Ha. ha. Boy hoew we laughd dint't we. It was pretty funny anywah. I still laught abot it onec in whiel. Not as mcuch as usd to. Byut whag the hell after all you stilk my bedst old pal pal. And if a guy canot havr a laughg with a treu froe, med once in a wihle waht the f*%&-.
Escue me. Pictcher was empt8 so I just mde nother one. hot dam. I sure widsh yoi were her olf pal help me drinj thes Martuni because they arw simptly delidious. I lifty my glasx to you good health oncemore you are the bests pall I got. Of cours why a pal would do a dirrty fudking thing like that load up a pals drinj with branidy mak him sick as a dof, lousyt thing for antbody to do, onlhy a firdt class pruck wold do a thing lije that. Wasnet a bit funny and if yoi thinj its funnyu you are aboyt the worsr dhit heeel I evfre had the midforyune to make the aquantentce of you sonb of birfh lous and as far as O am concerbed yot can go to helk and on th way kisa my ads.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your makeup on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
A homeless guy is laying in a alley drunk and passed out when two homosexuals walk bye and notice the man and decide to screw him. Well when they got done they left him five dollars on his chest and left.
The homeless guy wakes up in the morning and finds the money and goes straight to the beer store and tells the guy at the cash register that he wants the cheapest thing he can buy and then left. He got drunk and passed out in same alley as the night before and the two homos come by and do it to him again and leave five dollars again.
nights in a row, the third night the drunk falls again in the same alley
and passes out. But this time the homos decide he's a pretty good sport,
so they leave a hundred dollars on his chest. In the morning the drunk
discovers the hundred and goes back to the same beer store and tells the
clerk "gimme the most expensive thing you got, that cheap stuff is
tearing my ass up"
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies,
"Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take
your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"
Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know, Sister? Have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no one will know"
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
no! It's not that drunk Nun again is it?"
A drunk spends most of his evening at his favorite bar, drinking heavily. He notices one particular guy who seems to have a lot of luck with the ladies. He would approach a different one every night, and whisper something in her ear. Sometimes they would leave immediately, and sometimes they would sit and talk for a while first, but he seemed to almost always score.
One night the drunk approached the young man and asked him his secret.
"Well," said the guy, "I whisper in their ear, and ask 'Tickle your ass with a feather?' If she's wild, she agrees immediately and I take her home. If she gets offended, and says 'What did you say?' then I say, 'I said, particularly nasty weather.' Then, she's embarrassed for what she thought I said, and I use her apology to strike up a conversation."
This sounded like a great plan, and the drunk determined to implement it immediately. He spied a pretty young lady, approached her, and then slurred, a little too loudly, in her ear. "Shtick a feather up your ass?"
The woman was horrified. "I beg your pardon!?" she shouted.
staggered back a step and hollered, "I shaid, ish rainin' like fuck
tonight, ain't it?"
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
A stripper in a hurry to get home leaves the club with nothing on but a loose coat. As she crosses the street a drunk driver skids around the corner and hits her. She goes flying into the air, and lands unconscious on her back with her charms exposed to the world.
As a crowd gathers, a gentleman places his hat upon the stripper's crotch in order to minimize her exposure. In the meantime the drunk driver hardly aware he just hit someone, staggers over to see what all the fuss is about.
the near naked woman lying exposed on the street, he points to the strategically
placed hat and slurs in a loud voice, "Well, the firthst ting we
gotta do is get dat guy outta there!"
Just after I got married, I decided to have a night with "the boys."
I told the misses that I would be home by midnight...promise! Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning the misses asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one!
told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said
"Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'shit,' cuckooed another 4 times,
farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice
A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.
The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."
The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch.
The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch!"
The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.
The man sips the drink and says, "Now that's more like it."
An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?"
The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling, "WHY, THIS TASTES LIKE PISS!"
the old drunk replies, "That's right, now guess how old I am."
A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgee, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, ye buy a drink, ye buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy yir third drink."
The others agree that sounds like a good place. Then the Italian says, "Yeah, dat's a nica bar, but where I come from, dere's a better one. In Roma, dere's this place, Vincenzo's. At Vincenzo's, you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vincenzo buys you anudda drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where Oi come from in Oirland, dere's dis Place called Morphy's. At Morphy's, dey boy you your forst drink, dey boy you your second drink, dey boy you your tird drink, and den, dey take you in de back and get you laid."
"Wow," say the other two. "That's fantastic. Did that actually happen to you?"
replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister."
A big woman wearing a sleeveless sundress walked into a bar. She raised her right arm revealing a huge hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. At the end of the bar a skinny little drunk slammed his hand on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned again to the patrons and pointing around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, asked, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunk slapped his hand down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina a drink."
The bartender approached the drunk and asked, "Say, it's your business, of course, if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"
replied, "Sir, to me, any woman who can lift her leg that high must
be a ballerina."
A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.
The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender looks at the guy and asks: "What's wrong with your turtle?"
"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!"
"Not a chance!" replies the barkeep.
"Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."
So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.
Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says -
Told you it'll be there before your dog!"