Ebonics
Language Humor
Fun
with Ebonics
1. RECTUM...I
HAD TWO CADILLACS, BUT MY OL'LADY RECTUM BOTH.
2. HOTEL...I GAVE MY GIRLFRIEND DA CRABS AND THE HOTEL EVERYBODY.
3. ODYSSEY...I TOLD MY BRO, YOU ODYSSEY THE JUGS ON THIS HOE.
4. STAIN...MY MOTHER-IN-LAW AXED IF I WAS STAIN FOR DINNER AGAIN.
5. SELDOM...MY COUSIN GAVE ME TWO TICKETS TO THE KNICKS GAME, SO I SELDOM.
6. PENIS...I WENT TO DA DOCTOR AND HE HANDED ME A CUP AND SAID PENIS.
7. CATACOMB...DON KING WAS AT THE FIGHT THE OTHER NIGHT, MAN, SOMEBODY
GIVE THAT CATACOMB.
8. FORCLOSE...IF I PAY ALIMONY THIS MONTH, I'LL HAVE NO MONEY FORCLOSE.
9. UNDERMINE...THERE IS A FINE LOOKIN' HOE LIVIN' IN THE APARTMENT UNDERMINE.
10. TRIPOLI...I WAS GONNA BUY MY OLD LADY A BRA BUT I COULDN'T FINE NO
TRIPOLI.
12. DISAPPOINTMENT...MY PAROLE OFFICER TOL ME IF I MISS DISAPPOINTMENT
THEY GONNA SEND ME BACK TO THE BIG HOUSE.
13. INCOME...I JUST GOT IN BED WIT DEE HOE AND INCOME MY WIFE.
14. HONOR...AT THE RAPE TRIAL, THE JUDGE AXED MY BUDDY, WHO B HONOR FIRST?
15. FORTIFY...I AXED DA HOE HOW MUCH? AND SHE SAY FORTIFY.
16. ISRAEL...ALONSO TRIED TO SELL ME A ROLEX, I SAID MAN, THAT LOOKS FAKE.
HE SAID, NO ISRAEL.
ACOUSTIC: When I was liddle, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to
da pool hall.
OMELETTE: I should punch you dead in yo eye fo what you jus saide, but
OMELETTE dis one slide.
Tyrone
here, with another lesson in Black History Month. In order to help
all the white crackers understand what da brothas be talkin' 'bout, here's
a few soulful words from the 'Tyrone Cornbread Dictionary' to helps you
unnastand some of the terminology you gonna be hearin'.
BAGHDAD: I always wondered what was in the baghdad used
to drink outta when he was sittin on the porch.
HORDE: My mama always did have a bad reputation
because she horde around in high school.
PASTEURIZE: The judge told me, "Darnell, the shit you're in is so
deep it's pasteurize."
CADAVER: I told my buddy Tyrone that I liked his sister
and wanted to see her. He said I cadaver.
ISRAEL: Some guy tried to sell me a Rolex watch
the other day. I said, "Hey man, that looks fake." He said,
"No man, that watch israel."
ASSERT: On the way home from work, I always take
assert so my old lady don't smell malt liquor on my breath.
ORGASM: When you get the death penalty here, do
they electricute 'em, hang 'em orgasm?
An
urban youth was asked to do a simple homework assignment. Befuddled by
the whole school thing, he was given a set of vocabulary words to use
in sentences. Here's what he handed in:
1. HONOR ROLL - We was playin' poker on the stoop the other day,
and man, I was HONOROLL.
2. PLANET - I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the
backyard.
3. DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big
needle. He said, "DISMAY hurt a little."
4. OMELETTE - Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a
week.
5. STAIRWAY - When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space.
6. MOBILE - I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said,
"Gimme one MOBILE."
7. DEFENSE - I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away.
8. AFRO - I got so mad at my bitch, AFRO a lamp at her.
9. AFTERMATH - I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to
the field and smoke weed.
10. LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.
11. DOMINEERING - My girly's birthday was yesterday, I got her a
DOMINEERING.
12. KENYA - I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA
spare some change.
13. DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play.
14. DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach
said, "DATA boy!"
15. COPULATE - I called 911 and an hour later when they show up,
I said, "COPULATE!"
16. FASCINATE - My girly's boobies are so big. Her shirt has ten
buttons, she can only FASCINATE.
17. BEWARE - I axed the man at the unemployment office, "Is
this BEWARE I get a job?"
18. DIMENSION - I be tall, dark, handsome... and not DIMENSION hung
like a horse.
19. COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst like that,
and you'll be thrown out the COATROOM."
20. DECIDE - I like Vonda and Yolanda, but I like to have a couple
of womens on DECIDE.
Continuing
On:
ADOBE: -
After my apartment was broken into, the policeman axed me how'd they got
in. I said, "Adobe open out back."
ANNIHILATE:
- I told the waitress my girlfriend will have chicken, annihilate shrimp.
POLYP: -
On my way home from the Pistons game, I was involved in a 5 car polyp
on I-75.
FORMALDEHYDE:
- When the police came to my door lookin for Malcolm, I said, "There's
no place in here formaldehyde."
PROPAGATE:
- My friend Lamond works at the Cadillac dealer. He said if I wanted to
drive one, he'd propagate open out back so I could get in.
POKE: - I
likes poke...poke chops...and poke ribs.
ANUS: - The
police told me and my buddy Tyrone they was looking for the guys that
robbed the liquor store. We said, "Anus."
DISABILITY:
- Everytime me and my girlfriend Felicia get in an argument, she has disability
to really piss me off.
Q. What does
the word 'benign' mean?
A. Right after you be eight you benign.
Question:
Why were there only 49 contestants for the "Miss Ebonics U.S.A."
Pageant??
Answer: No contestant wanted to wear a banner that said, "Idaho"!
Twas
Da Night Befo' Christmas (on our Holiday Humor Page)
The
Ten Commandments, Ebonically Interpreted
1. I be God. Don' be dissing me.
2. Don' be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib.
3. Don' be callin me for no reason - homey don' play that.
4. Y'all betta be in church on Sundee.
5. Don' dis ya mama ... an if ya know who ya daddy is, don'
dis him neither.
6. Don' ice ya bros.
7. Stick to ya own woman.
8. Don' be liftin no goods.
9. Don' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya
homies.
10. Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, or nuffin.
Algebra
Mid Term Exam - Ebonics Version
Directions: Make sho yo be putting yo name on de upper right
han coner. Don't be axing no dumbass questions an keep yo shifty
mothafuckin eyes on yo own sorryass papers.
Number 1.(25%)
Elon and Tyrell bot want to meet fo lunch. Elon's home be 5 mile
north of Tyrell. If Elon leave at 10:30 bookin bout 3 mile per hour
while Tyrell, who have one coolass bike, ain't not departin till 1:00
zoomin bout 20 mile per hour, what time be Elon axing Tyrell for a bite
of fried chicken?
Number 2.(25%)
Yolanda, she be 11 year older than her daughter Carinda. Carinda
have a bitch Carmel who haf her age. In how many years be Carmel
haf as old as that uglyass ho Yolanda?
Number 3.(40%)
If Leroy axes Marvin fo 10 gram of 60% coke an Marvin ain't not got nothing
but 8 gram of 80% and some ol 20% shit, how much of the cheap stuff be
Marvin mixing up so Leroy can go off the hizzie?
Number 4.(10%)
Lenwood and Keshawn jus lifted one gross of basketballs offa Kmart.
If studly Lenwood can dunk fo mo balls per minute than Keshawn, how long
be these bros slammin and jammin fo they be needin suh mo balls to play
wif?
Extra Credit:
Which number, A or B, be bigger? Make sho you shows all yo work.
A. The total number of hos Wilt Chamberlain and B.B. King be sleeping
wif.
B. The number of yard OJ done ran fo in his best season timeses
the number a cuts he be putting in that no good honkey bitch Nicole afta
catchin her wif a guy what ain't got no goddam mothafuckin rights be ridin
roun wif Js car.
Back to the Top
Jerome's
Conversation Translated
Me and ma woman was
chillin' at ma crib. You know, jus hangin' out watchin' the tube, when
I saw ma fo'dy was empty. So I yell, "LaQuiffa, way you is, bitch?
Get me a Colt 45"
[A lady-friend and
I were relaxing of an evening when I asked her if she would mind freshening
my drink.]
And she come
bustin' in from the other room saying, "Don't you be callin' me no
bitch, mutha fucka." Now, dis ain't like when one'a ma homies yells,
'Yo, mutha fucka!'
This be like when yo hook-up come lookin' fo you 'cause you ain't paid
him no money in a month and he say, "Yo, mutha fucka!" and you
know you gonna be kissin' a coupla teef good-bye. You know what I'm sayin?
[Much to my chagrin
and surprise she took exception to my tone of voice! She answered me in
a very scolding manner.]
So I said, "Who
you callin' a mutha fucka, bitch?" And she start screamin' and shit
like, "Dats it! You gunna learn to respect me, mutha fucka!"
[I tried to cover
my embarrassment at having upset her with a show of bravado, but she would
not be deterred. She only became more confrontational.]
An da bitch starts
throwing all ma shit at me. She threw ma shoes, she threw ma good set-o-hub
caps, dat bitch even threw the only mutha fuckin' lamp I got dat work,
and broked the shit all up on the wall. So I start yellin, "You betta
chill the fuck out, fo I bust a 9 in yo fat ass!"
Now, I knew I shouldn'a
said dat shit, cause den she tried to pick up ma mutha fuckin' kitchen
table an throw dat shit at me!
[Her increasingly
combative attitude began to irk me, so I lost my temper. That was a foolish
thing to do.]
So I said, "Awww,
come on, Baby! You know big Daddy loves you. Put down that table and come
over here and gimme some shuga.
[Seeing that a confrontational
approach was ineffective, I changed my strategy to try and pacify her
with affection.]
I knows how to talk
to ma woman. When I start layin' ma shit down she roll ova like a cinnamon
bun. She say, "Jerome, you know I can't have you disrespectin' me."
But I could tell she
wasn't pissed no mo. "You brang dat sweet lil ass on ova here and
I'll show you some 'spect."
[All it took was a
gentle voice and a soft touch, and the temperamental demon that is woman
was soon transmogrified into a cooing dove of solicitude and affection.]
An dat's dat.
[And that
is that.]
Back to the Top
Translating
the Movies Into Ebonics
"Luke,
I'm your father."
Ebonics: "Hey boy, I's yo daddy."
"Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!"
Ebonics: "Later, bitch!"
"To be or not to be? That is the question."
Ebonics: "Is I is or is I ain't? Shiiit"
"I'll be back."
Ebonics: "I's a fixin' to bust a cap in yo ass."
"We're off to see the wizard."
"We's fixin' to see the hoodoo 'bout some voodoo."
"You've got to get mad! Stand up wherever you are, go to the nearest
window and yell as loud as you can: 'I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going
to take it anymore!'"
Ebonics: Fuuuck You!
"We're going to need a bigger boat."
Ebonics: You see da teeth on this mutha fucka? Turn this piece-a-shit
around and get my black ass back to shore!
"I am Spartacus."
Ebonics: "Who da fuck is Spartacus?"
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