Education
and Intelligence Humor What
does the average college football player get on his SATs? May 1997,
Momentum, Heat and Mass transfer II Final Exam Question: Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. 1. So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. 2. Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa Banyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then [2.] cannot be true... Thus, hell is exothermic. The
student, Tim Graham, got the only A. This past fall semester, at Yale University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final, they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to Harvard and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to New Haven until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find the professor after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to Cambridge for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. The prof thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that the prof had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: '(95 points)
Which tire?' When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & Manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. "I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor ask an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing
a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said,
"Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my
chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me." Albert arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "241." "That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!" Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the lady answers, "144." "That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!" Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51." Albert responds, "How
about those Cowboys?" It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was> thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?" Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still
have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed...
easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking! A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?" Father thought for a moment, then replied, "I don't rightly know, son." The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?" Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son." A little later the boy asked, "Why is the sky blue?" Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son." Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?" "Of course not,
son. If you don't ask questions ... you'll never learn anything!" "What's the usual
tip?" a man growled when a college boy delivered his pizza. "Well,"
the student replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys
said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."
"That so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five
dollars." "Thanks," the student said, "I'll put it
in my college fund." "By the way, what are you studying?"
"Applied psychology." A Schoolteacher gets a Traffic Ticket When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times." Version II: A police car pulled
me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my
license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked
their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for
speeding. LONDON - The Department
of Education was forced to scrap 48,000 literacy posters sent to teachers
with two glaring spelling mistakes. The posters urged students to increase
their "vocabluary" and learn about writing "though"
their own work. A Department of Education spokeswoman said, "We are
pleased that the teachers are obviously reading the posters." A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the
professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and
$64 change. Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come closest to Utopia and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. Then I get
a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend
the rest of the night lighting farts. Test Your Qualifications to be a Professional 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? Correct answer: Open the refrigerator door, put the giraffe in, and close the door. This question tests whether or not you do simple things in a complicated way. 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? Wrong answer: Open the refrigerator, put the elephant in, and close the door. Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put the elephant in, and close the door. This question tests your prudence and practicality. 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals except one attend. Which one does not attend? Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is still in the refrigerator and cannot open the door from the inside. This question tests whether or not you have comprehensive thinking skills. If you did not answer correctly the first three questions, this next question is your last chance to show your qualifications to be a professional. 4. There is a river inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage to pass it? Correct answer: Swim through it. All of the animals, including the crocodiles, are attending the conference (except the elephant, of course). Don't be frustrated
if you failed this test. According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, about
90% of the professionals failed the exam. However, most pre-schoolers
got it correct, thus disproving the popular theory that most "professionals"
have the brains of a four-year old. The farm had been mortgaged, and gladly, to give their daughter a college education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered, "I have a confession to make, Paw - I ain't a virgin no more." The old man shook
his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your Maw and I made to
give you a good education, you still say ain't!" Following are a sampling
of test answers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by
junior high, high school and college students around the world. Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should. Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother. To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up. In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's. Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does. Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail. In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes. Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man. A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size. A monsoon is a French gentleman. Thunder is a rich source of loudness. It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places. Charles Darwin was
a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after class. Holding out the young man's assignment, the professor said, "Did you write this poem all by yourself?" The student said, "Every word of it." The professor said,
"Well, then, I'm glad to meet you, Mr. Poe. I thought you were long
dead." Problems at Beaver Women's College GLENSIDE, Pa. - It's
bad enough that the students at Beaver Women's College get ribbed about
their school's name, but it has gone too far when public figures like
Letterman and Stern start taking pot shots. Now internet watchdog programs
are censoring any web sites using the word "beaver" keeping
high school graduates from finding out about the school. Beaver president
Bette Landman has had enough. She wants the school name changed to something
less controversial. But some alumni and administrators are proud of their
Beaver, and want to keep it just the way it is. The controversy still
rages and no new name has yet been adopted. A Student Calls Home for Money A student called up his mom from college and asked her for some money. Mom said, "Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?" "Yeah, sure," he responded. So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well, how much did you give the boy this time? Mom said, "Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000" "That's $1020!" yelled Dad. "Don't worry,"
Mom said, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I
put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!" During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. "Now I'm dropping this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve?" "No, sir," a student called out. "No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver coin won't dissolve." "Because if it
would, you wouldn't have dropped it in!" An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something." The dean sighs and
says, "I should have taken the money." There was a university in New England where the students operated a "bank" of term papers and other homework assignments. There were papers to suit all needs. Since it would look odd if an undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay, there were papers for an A grade, B grade, and C grade. One student, who had spent the weekend on more "extra-curricular pursuits," went to the bank, and as his course was a standard one he took out a paper for a inconspicuous C. He then retyped it and handed the work in. In due course he received it back with the professor's comments. "I wrote this
paper myself twenty years ago. I always thought it was worth an A, and
now I'm pleased to give it one!" Science/Medical Reports Language The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper.
"IT HAS LONG
BEEN KNOWN" "A DEFINITE TREND
IS EVIDENT" "WHILE IT HAS
NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS" "THREE OF THE
SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY" "TYPICAL RESULTS
ARE SHOWN" "THESE RESULTS
WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT" "IN MY EXPERIENCE" "IN CASE AFTER
CASE" "IN A SERIES
OF CASES" "IT IS BELIEVED
THAT" "IT IS GENERALLY
BELIEVED THAT" "CORRECT WITHIN
AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" "ACCORDING TO
STATISTICAL ANALYSIS" "A statistically
oriented PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS" "A CAREFUL ANALYSIS
OF OBTAINABLE DATA" "IT IS CLEAR
THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING
OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS" "AFTER ADDITIONAL
STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES" "THANKS ARE DUE
TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR
VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS" "A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT
AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY" "IT IS HOPED
THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD" Two Harvard Graduates in a Taxi Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were excited and talkative about their future plans as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston. After hearing them for a couple of minutes, the cab driver asked "You men Harvard graduates?" "Yes Sir! Class of '99!" they answered proudly. The cab driver extended
his hand back to shake their hand, saying, "Class of '58." An
Engineer, a Physicist and a Mathematician As an experiment, an engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are placed in separate rooms and left with a can of food, but no can opener. A day later, the rooms are opened, one-by-one. In the first room, the engineer is snoring, with a battered, opened and emptied can. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he beat the can to its failure point. In the second room, the physicist is seen mouthing equations, with a can popped open beside him. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he examined the stress points of the can, applied pressure, and "pop!" In the third room,
the mathematician is found sweating, and mumbling to himself, "Assume
the can is open, assume the can is open..." Making the Most of a Back Injury A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble
with discipline that term. A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the course." There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance." One final student rose up and opted out of the final. The professor closed
the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad
to see you believe in yourself," he said. "You all get 'A's." The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The Graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with
a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" The following are all quotes from 11 year olds' exams: When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars. The moon is a planet just like earth, only it is even deader. Artificial insemination
is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stressed the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness, with a letter from the doctor, or a death in the immediate family. A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, Sir?" The class breaks up
laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds, "Well,
I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand." Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?" Father: "Sure son. What's the question?" Son: "What is politics?" Father: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Government". We take care of your needs, so we'll call you "The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class", and your baby brother we can call "The Future". "Do you understand, son?" Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it". That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father. "Dad, now I think I understand what politics is". Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?" Son: "Well Dad,
while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep,
the People are being completely ignored and the future is full of shit". Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad Studying Physics to Save Lives One day our physics professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" "To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted. "It keeps the
ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor. The Professor Provides a Help Line The final exam in
electrical engineering worried my son, Don. On the last day of class,
the professor wished the students luck as he wrote a phone number on the
blackboard. "If any of you have difficulty understanding the review
material, call this number," he said as he dismissed the class. On
Saturday afternoon, stumped by one of the review problems, Don reached
for the phone and heard a recorded message from Dial-A-Prayer. A wise schoolteacher
sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: How many college freshmen
does it take to change a lightbulb? Spain recently dropped the minimum-IQ requirement for its military from 90 to 70. I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's one called brightness, but it doesn't work. -- Gallagher "I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." --English Professor, Ohio University College is a fountain of knowledge...and the students are there to drink. "This isn't right, this isn't even wrong." --Wolfgang Pauli (1900-1958), upon reading a young physicist's paper "I
am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has
printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." An English professor announced to the class; "There
are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is
cool." The Children's Favorite Philosopher is... A college student
with a young child was pleased when her daughter became eligible to attend
the day care center at the University. The director of the day care gave
the mother a tour of the facilities. To assure herself of the center's
high standards, the young mother asked about the curriculum. We Will Speak Proper English in Class An English professor
announced to the class; "In here we will speak proper English. There
are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other
is cool." She Saw Mozart on the No. 5 Bus to Coney Island A married couple trying
to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned
to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!" Hubert Humphrey Reviews a Dissertation Hubert Humphrey was
asked to be an advisor on a university student's dissertation. A request
he accepted with delight. All proceeded well, and on the date the paper
was due the student delivered a nicely bound copy. Two months went by
and the student hadn't heard a word. So, he went to Mr. Humphrey's office
and asked him what he thought of the paper. "Well," said Mr.
Humphrey, "I think it needs to be redone." How Did You Get Yourself Into This? Walking through the
hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher
standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker. I heard
him mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?" When I lived in a
dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights. Dousing
and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons,
even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition.
The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant. Programming Birds for a Thesis There's a story about
an MIT student who spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football
field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and
down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed, blowing a
whistle, and then walking off the field. Getting Her Son to Go to School Mother was having
a hard time getting her son to go to school in the morning. "Nobody
in school likes me," he complained. "The teachers don't like
me, the kids don't like me, the superintendent wants to transfer me, the
bus drivers hate me, the school board wants me to drop out, and the custodians
have it in for me. I don't want to go to school." He Makes Straight A's - But His B's... A scout for one of
the leading colleges went to the office of the athletic director and announced,
"Have I got an athlete for you! This guy can play every sport and
excels at every position. He is absolutely the finest athlete I have ever
seen play." A Professor Hears from The Lord The professor of a
graduate-school class of gifted students included a huge amount of material
on the midterm exam. A teacher was giving
a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer,
he said: "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know,
would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." As an instructor in
driver education at the local area High School, I've learned that even
the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel. Invoking
an Ancient Law at Cambridge Determine the Height of a Skyscraper With a Barometer This legend,
the truth of which is not necessarily related to its value, concerns a
question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen: "Describe
how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer." Straight-A's -- Hong Kong Style Encouraged
by his mother, a Hong Kong teenager smoked, drank, gambled, sang karaoke
and played video games all the way to 10 straight As in the territory's
most competitive exams. "If I had to do nothing but study to get
my grades, then I'd rather not get them," he was quoted as saying.
Kwan-kit says he has smoked for three years and frequented karaoke bars
-- even during his exams. He is an avid pianist and member of the school
choir. A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist A Mathematician,
a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people
going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.
First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while
they notice three persons coming out of the house. Some of you
may be wondering about the hierarchy of newspapers in the USA. A College Student Writing Home for Money A college
student wrote a letter home, "Dear folks, I feel miserable because
I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to
ask for another hundred, but my conscience is killing me. I hope that
you forgive me. We Trust Them With the Children, Don't We? As a new
school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first
day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide
open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies
in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. Eight-year-old
Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly
A's and a couple of B's. Some
Helpful Rules for Better Writing: Principal's Disgusting Approach to Improve Attendance LAS CRUCES,
New Mexico - Bill Soules, the principal of an elementary school in New
Mexico, pondered his school's attendance problems. He realized not all
of the 527 were present at the same time. In an effort to make sure all
enrolled students would come to school on the same day, he devised a dramatic,
unusual plan. He announced to the school that if no one played hooky,
faked sickness, etc., then he would swallow 12 worms. Apparently the stunt
worked because all the students showed up on the designated day. And yes,
Soules consumed a dozen worms. The Difficulty of Dividing 17 by 3 A Missouri
farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions
left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second
oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing
the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue. Dump Him on the Front Porch... The Father,
passing thru the son's college town late one night on a business trip,
thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy. A student
taking a philosophy class had a single question on his final: "What
is courage?" When I first
started college, the Dean came in and said, "Good Morning" to
all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded "Ah, you're Freshmen." Green's Secret to Intelligence A customer
at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and
intelligence. US
Rules for Teachers circa 1915 Professor
Anders Henriksson, dean of history at Shepherd College in Shepherdstown,
W. Va., has made a sport of compiling his favorite bloopers from what
he swears are real history exams and term papers, such as: An
Easy Economics Exam Answer Trading Insults With a Psychology Professor In my senior
year I reluctantly took a required psychology course. The first
day, the professor commented on each student's major, trying to provoke
a response. It was working - some students were becoming defensive.
When it was my turn, I told him I was a music major. Proving the Non-Existence of a Chair An eccentric
philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing
with a broad array of topics. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher
was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes Do You Have Fuckhauer in Here? It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy, "My name is Bob Fuckhauer." Upset, the teacher said very loudly, "THERE'LL BE NONE OF THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR IN MY CLASS THIS YEAR! Now Bob, tell me your real name!" The kid said, "No, really, Ma'am , it is Bob Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth-grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me." Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class, "Do you have Fuckhauer in here?" "Hell
no," replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even
get a damn cookie break!" Here is a very simple little test comprised of four questions to determine the level of your intellect. Your replies must be spontaneous and immediate, with no deliberating or wasting time... And no cheating! 1: You are competing in a race and overtake the runner lying in second place. In which position are you now? Answer: If you answered that you're now coming first then you're completely wrong. You overtook the second runner and took their place, therefore you're coming second. For the next question try not to be so dim. 2: If you overtake the last runner, what position are you now in? Answer: If you answered second-last, once again you're completely wrong. Think about it. How can you over take the person coming last? If you're behind them then they can't be last. The answer is impossible! It would appear that thinking is not one of your strong points. Anyway, here's
another to try, don't take any notes or use a calculator, and remember
your replies must be instantaneous. Take heart! Answer: 5000? Wrong again! The correct answer is 4100. Try again with a good calculator. Today is clearly not your day. Although you should manage to get the last question right... 4: Marie's father has five daughters: 1. Chacha 2. Cheche 3. Chichi 4. Chocho Question: What is the fifth daughter's name? Think quickly... you'll find the answer below. Answer: Chuchu?
WRONG! It's obviously Marie! Read the question properly! You are clearly
the weakest link....GOODBYE! Understanding American Indians I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers. "How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?" "Nah,"
one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date." A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental state, and that many people overlook the things they already have. He explains, "A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse." A student
stands up and says, "Professor, either you don't know how to fuck,
or I don't know how to shit." Harry Wants to Be in the 3rd Grade A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal:
"What is 3 x 3?" Principal:
"What is 6 x 6?" And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks
says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The
principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow
have four of that I have only two of?" Ms. Brooks:
"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants" Ms. Brooks:
What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and
contains thin whitish liquid? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge. Ms. Brooks:
What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? Ms. Brooks:
What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on
three legs?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer. Ms. Brooks:
What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat
and excitement? The principal
breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the
fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong." |
