and Intelligence Humor II
does the average college football player get on his SATs?
Actual Excerpts from Exam Questions
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
Dear Mom and Dad,
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but, before you read on, please sit down.
YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN, OKAY?
Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture, and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump, were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm. He was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him and his three buddies. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute.
He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents! I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am having daily. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and, although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is different than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too, for I am told that his father is an important weapons dealer in the village in Africa from which he came.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant and I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man (of any color) in my life.
However, I got a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science, and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.
Your Loving Daughter
Science has a language of its own which sometimes puzzles laymen. The word "obvious" is a case in point.
A professor of physics, deriving some profound point of theory for the class, scribbled an equation on the board and said, "From this, it is obvious that we can proceed to write the following relationship..." and he scribbled a second and equally long equation on the board.
Then he paused. He stared hard at the two equations and said, "Wait a minute, I may be wrong..."
He sat down and began to write at his desk furiously, crossing out and rewriting for five minutes while the class sat in absolute silence waiting for the verdict.
the professor rose with an air of satisfaction and said, "Yes, I
was right in the first place. It "IS" obvious that the second
equation follows from the first."
An Astute Comment Acknowledged (true)
As I walked down the hall in our middle school, I overheard a student make a very insightful comment. I poked my head into the classroom and said, "Your students are certainly very astute!"
student turned toward me and said, "No, we're not astute, we're a-stupid!"
Are You an Elementary School Teacher?
Are you a true elementary school teacher? Let's find out:
1. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home?
2. Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table?
3. Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends?
4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?
5. Do you refer to happy hour as "snack time?"
6. Do you say "I like the way you did that!" to the mechanic who repairs your car to your satisfaction?
7. Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction?
8. Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book?
9. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?
10. Do you fold your spouse's fingers over the coins as you hand him/her the money at a tollbooth?
-If you answered yes to 8 or more, well, maybe it's TOO MUCH in your soul--you should probably think about retirement.
-If you answered
yes to all 12, forget it--you'll ALWAYS be a teacher, retired or not!
The professor announced to his class, "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple: each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was turned in by two English students, Rebecca and Gary.
An Oxford University creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex, and mystery.
The prize-winning essay read:
God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
It was at the end of the school year, and a primary school teacher from Liverpool was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right," the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweets shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied." The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied.
The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
the boy replied.
There was an old professor at Cambridge who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.
The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said: "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?"
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until
L.A. City Schools Math Proficiency Exam
OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
GANG NAME ___________________
1). Little Jimmy has an AK 47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload?
2). Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3). Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?
4). Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?
gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for
a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW,
6). Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
Extra credit bonus: How much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money?
7). If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?
8). Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?
9). Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa on one week's income?
steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his
357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his magnum, how far away
will Billy be when he gets whacked?
That Was the California high school exam. Now it's college.
College Entrance Exam for Student Athletes
Time Limit: 3 WEEKS
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
build a bridge
religion is the Pope? (check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
are people in America's far north called?
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
does rain come from?
you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three-story building located?
part of America produces the most oranges?
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
Novelists... These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school
Future Novelists... These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.
He was a tall as a six foot three inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, on having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the east river.
Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
Young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a really duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.
The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.
He was deeply in love when she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.
It hurt the
way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Remember when our grandparents, great-grandparents, and such stated that they only had an 8th grade education? Well, check this out. Could any of us have passed the 8th grade in 1895?
This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 in Salina, KS, USA. It was taken from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, KS, and reprinted by the Salina Journal.
Final Exam: Salina, KS -1895
1. Give nine
rules for the use of Capital Letters.
Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours)
1. Name and
define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the
epochs into which U.S. History is divided.
Orthography (Time, one hour)
1. What is
meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, syllabication?
Geography (Time, one hour)
1. What is
climate? Upon what does climate depend?
that the exam took six hours to complete. Gives the saying "he only
had an 8th grade education" a whole new meaning, doesn't it?---
The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave - with no penalties for missing a class.
The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks that "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it were, these clocks were also not of the most sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.
It became almost daily practice for these students to take target practice at the clock (as it would have it, this particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few well aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself.
Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them "You have 1 hour to complete".
then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the room, gleefully
taking aim at the clock. When he had successfully "jumped" the
clock forward 1 hour, he closed the class and collected the exam papers.
A high school senior saw an inspirational advertisement on television about becoming a teacher. She called the number shown: 1-800-45TEACH. After a woman answered, the student babbled on about how she thought she had found her life's calling and could she send her some information.
who answered the phone asked the student what number she was calling.
The student told her and there was a pause. Then she said, "You misspelled
One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter's portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.
The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor.
The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were all incorrect. "The head is too big," the professor explained. "The shoulders are too narrow, and the neck is way too long."
The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the professor.
He took one
look at my brother and said, "Okay, A minus."
A graduate student in speech therapy had two days to cure her patients of their stutters. She came to a therapy session in a revealing outfit and offered a blowjob to anyone who could pronounce the name of the city in which they were born without stuttering. The first man stood up and said, "B-b-b-b-b-b-Boston."
Dejected, he shook his head and sat back down. The next guy stood and said, "Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-Cleveland."
He slapped his thigh in frustration and sat back down. The third guy stood and without hesitation said, "Miami."
The student fell to her knees and began performing oral sex on the man. After finishing, she looked up and said, "What do you have to say now?"
and Sexual Diversity" at the University of Minnesota. Teaches how
language is used in "lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender communities"
and the "ways in which sexual diversity affects language use."
and Star Trek" at Georgetown University. Asks: "Is time travel
possible?" "Can a person survive death," "Could we
go back and kill our grandmothers?" and "Is Data a person?"
"Black Feminism" - University of Missouri
"Sex and Death" - Carnegie Mellon University
"Race and Sport in African-American Life" - University of Texas
Bible and Horror" - Georgetown University
Buckwheat and Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla: "How do you spell 'dumb'?"
Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
She says, "Buckwheat is dumb."
The teacher says, "Now spell 'stupid.'"
Darla says, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."
When the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."
Buckwheat stands and says, "D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
ponders for a few seconds, then spurts out, "I may be dumb and I
may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"
Using the Same Test Every Year
A college dean was berating a veteran economics professor for having used the same tests for the past 35 years.
"Don't you realize, professor, that the students have been sharing these tests for decades and that all of your students know EXACTLY what's on the test before they sit for it?"
matter," replied the professor. "You must realize that with
a subject like economics the answers are different each year!"
Four Advantages of Breast Milk
A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed:
"Give four advantages of breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again.
Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
One day, when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned to the class, scanned the boys and girls, looking for the guilty face. Finding not a guilty face in the bunch, she quickly erased the blackboard and began her class.
The next day, the teacher went into the classroom and noticed, in larger letters this time, the word "penis" scrolled on the blackboard. Again, she looked around the classroom in vain for the culprit, but found none. And so, the teacher erased the blackboard and proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, the teacher went into the classroom and found the same word written on the blackboard, each day, scrolled larger than the previous day.
Finally, one day, the teacher walked into the classroom expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board. Instead, she found scrolled on the blackboard:
more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
In a Biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semem which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey.
A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"
"That's correct", responded the professor, going onto to add statistical info.
Raisng her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class, never to return.
However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question.
doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip
of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day!"