Email
and Internet Humor
Email
Hoaxes Defined Whoever decided to create this note and forward it on should receive some type of humanitarian award. It says it all! 1. Big companies don't do business via chain letters. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. There isn't a deal from Gap or Old Navy. And certainly M&Ms isn't passing out free candy! Proctor and Gamble who knows what they are doing just to get business. MTV will not give you backstage passes if you forward something to the most people. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on "just in case it's true." Furthermore, just because someone said in a message, four generations back, that "we checked it out and it's legit," does not actually make it true. 2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are hell-bent on believing the kidney-theft ring stories, please see: http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm And I quote: "The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their stories. None have." That's "none" as in "zero." Not even your friend's cousin. 3. Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if they do, we all have it. And even if you don't, you can get a copy at: http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html Then, if you make the recipe, decide the cookies are that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on. 4. If the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would reach the public via an AOL chainletter? 5. There is no "Good Times" virus. In fact, you should never, ever, ever forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first confirm that an actual site of an actual company that actually deals with viruses. Try: http://www.sarc.com. And even then, don't forward it. We don't care. And you cannot get a virus from a flashing IM or email, you have to download....ya know, like, a FILE! 6. There is no gang initiation plot to murder any motorist who flashes headlights at another car driving at night without lights. 7. If you're using Outlook, IE, or Netscape to write email, turn off the "HTML encoding." Those of us on Unix shells can't read it, and don't care enough to save the attachment and then view it with a web browser, since you're probably forwarding us a copy of the Neiman Marcus Cookie Recipe anyway. 8. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing everyone else who's received it over the last 6 months. It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid of all the ">" that begin each line either. Besides, if it has gone around that many times we've probably already seen it. 9. Craig Shergold (or Sherwood, or Sherman, etc.) in England is not dying of cancer or anything else at this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business cards. He apparently is no longer a "little boy" either. 10. The "Make a Wish" foundation is a real organization doing fine work, but they have had to establish a special toll free hot line in response to the large number of Internet hoaxes using their good name and reputation. It is distracting them from the important work they do. 11. If you are one of those insufferable idiots who forwards anything that "promises" something bad will happen if you "don't," then something bad will happen to you if I ever meet you in a dark alley. 12. Women really are suffering in Afghanistan, and PBS and NEA funding are still vulnerable to attack (although not at the present time) but forwarding an e-mail won't help either cause in the least. If you want to help, contact your local legislative representative, or get in touch with Amnesty International or the Red Cross. As a general rule, e-mail "signatures" are easily faked and mean nothing to anyone with any power to do anything about whatever the competition is complaining about. (P.S. There is no bill pending before Congress that will allow long-distance companies to charge you for using the Internet.) Bottom Line... composing e-mail or posting something on the Net is as easy as writing on the walls of a public restroom. Don't automatically believe it until it's proven false... ASSUME it's false, unless there is proof that it's true. Now, forward this
message to ten friends, and you will win the Publishers Clearing House
sweepstakes.
Experience Great Sex! You will experience great sex within four days of receiving this letter, provided you send it on. Since the copy must tour the world, you must make ten copies and send them to others. This is no joke. Send no money. Send copies to people who need to get laid within 96 hours. After he passed this letter on, a Montana Spinach Control Officer got his penis stuck in a cow-milking machine and had the longest series of orgasms of his life. John Elliot tried to pick up a prostitute, but, because he broke the chain, was picked up by the police instead. When they searched his home, they found magazines of little boys which they showed to his neighbors. In a suburb of Paris, Don Loray's trousers were ripped by an unsatisfied erection, 51 days after failing to circulate the letter. However, before this happened, a condom machine gave him three condoms for the price of one. (Was this the consolation prize?) Do note the following: Herbert Pudstrom received the chain in 1953. He asked his secretary to make ten copies and send them out. A few days later he encountered her in a red-light district making more than he had ever paid her at work. General George Patton, who sent the letter on, saw what he thought was a quarter in the street. When he bent down to pick it up, a beautiful woman in a miniskirt walked by, and he got a great view. Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received the letter and forgot that it had to leave his hands within 96 hours. His wife then went bowling with his best friend and never returned. Later, after finding the letter again, he mailed ten copies. A few days later he got a wife and discovered that his old wife, who he thought was wonderful, had made love to him like a dead salmon for all these years! Alan Fairchild received the letter and, not believing, threw the letter away. Nine days later he spilled boiling hot coffee in his crotch. In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas was faded and barely readable, so she did not realize that this paragraph applied to her. She promised herself she would retype the letter and send it on, but she put it aside to do later. She was plagued with problems including herpes and other venereal diseases she contracted in her futile attempts to find Mr. Right in a singles bar. The letter did not leave her hands in 96 hours. She finally typed the letter and found a man with a 10-inch penis. Beware, however of the fate of the E-mail user at Trent University, Peterborough, ONT, that sent this letter to himself over five thousand times in one afternoon. Before leaving the computer lab a strange woman came up behind him, bit his ear and put her hand down his pants. The ensuing surprise caused him to stumble forward and cry out. As he attempted to arrest his fall by grabbing a nearby PC, a gob of spittle that had been flung from his mouth (as he cried out) landed deep into the inner recesses of the computer, all three (student, strange woman and computer) then experienced simultaneous Cyber-Orgasms of exponential intensity before exploding in a puff of smoking data. You must distribute at least ten copies within 96 hours of receiving this letter. Those who do will find their love lives more fulfilling. Those who do not will be doomed to one-night stands with mechanical devices! Go get laid!! Cordially yours,
Hello, my name is
Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores
on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of being kidnapped and executed
by anal electrocution, and guilt for not sending out 50 billion fucking
forwards sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them,
that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by secondhand
smoke from the cigarettes smoked by the big bad men who kidnapped her
and took pornographic pictures of her for use on their child pornography
web site will get 6 fucking cents every time you send me the letter. Do not run these directly from this page. Save them to your hard drive and open them -- hours of fun! E-Sheep 311kb (Screen-critter) Felix the Cat 300kb (Screen-critter) Frogapult 998kb (Frog killing extraordinaire) Trick or Treat 226kb (for Halloween) Bridge.exe 202kb (This will drive you nuts!) Whack.exe 142kb (Whack-a-Mole) Snowman.avi 2,035kb (cute, but not harmless...) Snowman.exe 394kb (X-rated) Urinal.exe 313kb (Which urinal should you use) Coke Gift.exe 263kb (a little gift from Coca-Cola to you...) Part1.exe 1,152kb (Shoot the Rat game) Piegates.exe 494kb (Throw pies at Bill Gates) Clues that you just might be a 'Net Junkie:
I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's, (sent to me because I forwarded their e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken - which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC. Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped around a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital -- the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of X's and O's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green m&ms, but if you don't the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get cancer from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your wife will develop breast cancer from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the government will put a tax on your e-mails forever. I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet. DEAR FRIEND, I don't normally send out virus warnings, but this one is extremely serious. Please read it very carefully and take care! If you receive an email entitled "Crazy Times" delete it immediately. Do not open it! Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, messes up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears. It converts your Pentium into a Vic20, and/or your Apple MAC into a ZX81 It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. If the "Crazy Times" message is opened in a Windows 95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair drier plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skimmed milk with whole milk. It will deflate your car/truck/van tires It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam. It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.(Remember Brut 33 ?) It can turn your cat into a rabbit, your dog into a hamster, and any pet birds you own into goldfish. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few signs of infection. P.S. - This message
will self destruct in 30 seconds One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called on a female angel and sent her to Earth for a time. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% of the people are bad and 5% are good. Well, he thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel; to get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When the male angel returned he went to God and told him yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% were bad and 5% were good. God said this was not good. He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and encourage them, a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said?
Oh! You didn't get
one either? Bunny and Bob, two frequent users of a chat room, discovered that they had a lot in common. Eventually, they abandoned the chat room for a more intimate correspondence. After months of virtual conversations, the two decided to meet each other face-to-face at a small cafe. Bunny arrived a little late. One customer, a short, frail man with an eye patch, sat at the back of the cafe. "Are you Bob?" asked Bunny. "Yes I am," said Bob. "Unbelievable!" Bunny exclaimed. "You told me that you were tall, dark and handsome." "How do you think I feel?" Bob asked, his face turning red. "You told me
that you were skinny, blonde, and... female!" Finally...A Useful Chain Letter This may not apply to all of you, but it's still important... This letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of this list, and add your name to the bottom. When your turn comes, you will receive 16,255 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the time of writing this, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, 4 of whom were worth keeping. Remember - this chain brings luck. One man's cat died, and the next day he received a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. You can be lucky too, so DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN! One man broke the
chain and got his own wife back. How to Build a Web Page in 25 Steps 1. Download a piece of Web authoring software ~ 20 minutes. 2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page ~ 6 weeks. 3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it ~ 20 minutes. 4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site ~ 1 minute. 5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like ~ 4 days. 6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again ~ 25 minutes. 7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do ~ 15 minutes. 8. View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there ~ 4 hours. 9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software ~ 1 minute. 10. Try to horizontally line up two related images ~ 6 hours. 11. Remove one of the images ~ 10 seconds. 12. Set the text's font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone ~ 4 hours. 13. Download a counter from your ISP ~ 4 minutes. 14. Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number 16.3 E10" ~ 3 hours. 15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text ~ 8 hours. 16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP ~ 40 minutes. 17. Accidentally delete your complete web page ~ 1 second. 18. Recreate your web page ~ 2 days. 19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server ~ 3 weeks. 20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP ~ 30 minutes. 21. Download FTP software ~ 10 minutes. 22. Call your friend again ~ 15 minutes. 23. Upload your web page to your ISP's server ~ 10 minutes. 24. Connect to your site on the web ~ 1 minute. 25. Repeat any and
all of the previous steps ~ eternity Dear Lord -- a Computer User's Prayer Every single evening My kids love surfing the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on sticky notes. One day I
noticed their password was "BatmanSupermanRobinJoker". And so
I asked why it was so long. |
