hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons
to hate them.
in a bar discussing how stupid their wives are...
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in ate the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.
The Irishman combed
the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his
ticket in. Seizing a roll of chain link, he presented himself at the gate
and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."
This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building with a sign "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry." "Hans Olaffsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?" So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner.
The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?" The old man answers "Is name of owner." The visitor asks "Well, who is the owner?" "I am he," answers the old man. "You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
The old man replies,
"Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line
at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blonde Swede. Lady
look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, " Hans Olaffsen."
She look at me say, "What your name?" I say, "Sam Ting."
What did the Chinese
couple name their retarded baby?
What do you get when
you cross a Chinese person and a hooker?
What do you call a
What do Japanese men
do when they have erections?
Q: Why do Chinese
men have slanted eyes?
Q: Why is there no
Disneyland in China?
Q: How do the Chinese
Q: Why is there no
Disneyland in China?
Q: What is
Q: How do
you know if a Chinese person robs your house?
Did you know that
over 20% of the Chinese population have cataracts?
The Japanese are sending
over a few cases of Viagra to America.
An Asian man walks into the currency exchange with 2000 yen and walks out with $72.
Next week he walks in with 2000 yen, but gets $66. He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week.
The lady says, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man says, "Fluc you clazy Amelicans too!"
A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait.
"Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says.
The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"
The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."
The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little pigs . . . "
A Chinese man had
three daughters. He asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she
would like to marry.
Apparently, 1 in 5
people in the world is Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so
it must be, that one of us is Chinese.
A Chinese man and
his wife close the restaurant, go home and begin to make love. Things
are getting pretty hot and heavy when the man says, "How about a
A Jew is visiting
China. He goes into a restaurant. The waiter asks him what he would like.
The Jew asks the waiter, "Do you have any Jews in China?"
Virginity like bubble,
one prick, all gone.
Man who jack off in cash register, bound to come into money
fly upside-down, have hairy crack-up
following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service
at a fine Japanese hotel.
A Chinese man arranged for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undressed, climbed into bed, and went at it. When finished, the Chinese man jumped up, ran over to the window, took a deep breath, dove under the bed, climbed out the other side, jumped back into bed with the hooker and commenced a repeat performance.
The hooker was impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumped up, ran over to the window, took a deep breath, dove under the bed, climbed out the other side, jumped back into bed with the hooker and started again!
The hooker was amazed at this sequence. During the fifth encounter, she decided to try it herself. When they were done she jumped up, went to the window and took a deep breath of fresh air, dove under the bed to find 4 other Chinese men.
Fifteen things you do not want to hear your Chinese surgeon say during surgery:
You comma back here with that! Bad Doggie...
And the number
1 thing you don't want to hear your Chinese surgeon say during surgery:
A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner.
"Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy YOU a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?"
"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.
The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"
"It was ME," chortled the Indian.
So the Norwegian paid for the drinks. Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies, "Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?"
"Fair enough," said Sven.
Ok...my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"
"Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"
"It vas some
Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota."
Communication is the key to a good marriage, say the experts, but it may take time to develop.
Consider newlyweds Ole and Lena on their honeymoon trip from their little town in southern Minnesota.
They are nearing Minneapolis when Ole puts his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena says, "Ole, you can go farther than that if you want to."
So Ole drives to Duluth.
On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and
1 Italian woman
One month later, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes here are low and it is not raining.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both 'bloody wankers".
Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
The Irish began by
dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery.
They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of
foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied
in that at least the English are not getting any.
Q: How can you spot
a Jewish Ethiopian?
Q: Did you hear about
the Instant lotto game in India?
What's the Irish version
Puerto Rican foreplay?
Did you hear that
Alitalia and El Al are merging to form a new airline?
An Asian, a Black,
and a Jew are all lined up next to the edge of a cliff and they all jump
off at the same time...who lands first?
An Asian, a Black,
and a Mexican are in a car...who's driving?
Q: What is the most
useless thing on a Polish woman's body?
Q. What is a Japanese
girl's favorite day?
Q: What do you call
120 white men chasing after one black man?
Q. What do you get
when you cross a black with a Japanese?
Q. Did you hear about
the black boy that had diarrhea?
Q: What's so great
about getting a blow job from an Ethiopian woman?
Q. How do you get
forty Haitians in a shoe box?
Q. What's white and
twelve inches long?
Did you hear about
the Japanese factory that spray-painted all their new robots black?
Did you hear about
the man who was half Polish and half Italian?
What has 122,000 legs
and an I.Q. of 30?
Q. What's the difference
between a Jewish woman and Jello?
What the difference
between Mufasa (the lion in the Disney movie "The Lion King")
and O.J. Simpson?
If people from Poland are called poles, why aren't people from Holland called holes?
The Rolling Stones
say "Hey you, get off of my cloud."
Yo mama is so stupid she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish Holiday.
Q. What do you call
a Puerto Rican midget?
Q. What do you get
when you cross a Pole and a Chicano?
Q. What's the difference
between a Jew and a canoe?
Q. What do you call
an Ethiopian baby?
Q. What's the difference
between a black guy and a pepperoni pizza?
Q. Why aren't there
any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Q. Where does an Irish
family go on vacation?
Q: How do you know
Adam and Eve weren't black?
Q: What do you call
two Orientals in a Trans Am?
Q: Why is Polish and
polish spelled the same way?
Q: How do you starve
a black person?
Q: Do you know why
Jews don't eat pussy?
Q: What's the difference
between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf?
Q: How does Cuba train
their swimmers for the Olympics?
Q. Why did the
Pole buy his wife a wig?
Q: How do you clear
out a bingo hall in Iraq?
Q: What do you get
when you cross a gay Eskimo and a black?
Q: What six words
does a white man never want to hear?
Q: Why did Jesse Jackson's
mother keep roosters in her back yard?
Q: What's the fastest
animal in the world?
Q: What is brown and
white and rolls through the sand?
Q. Why are there no
movie theaters in Ethiopia?
Q: How do you recognize
a gay Hindu?
Nadine the Ukrainian girl was raised several miles north of the big city. She had never left the farm before, and when she was around 19 or 20 she decided maybe she should go see a doctor in the city, and get things checked out and see if she was ok. So away Nadine went to the doctor.
The doctor had her naked on his little table with her legs spread apart and he was shining a flashlight up her crotch. So the doctor asked Nadine - "Tell me Nadine, Have you ever had a checkup here before?"
Nadine the Ukrainian answered,
"No, just Ukes
The bank manager noticed the new clerk was an idiot at counting money and adding up figures. "Where did you get your finance education?" he asked.
"Yale," replied the lad.
"And what's your name?" asked the manager.
Jacob Levy had finished his sales rounds for the week and had done very well. So he thought he would give himself a justly deserved reward and went to a brothel.
The Madam said, 'Well, you can have this nice Chinese girl over there for $5, then I have a redhead for $10 and this terrific blonde for $15."
Jacob decided to spend $10.
More than thirty years later, Jacob's wife died and he felt Lonely, so once again he went to the brothel. He recognized the redhead who was now the Madam, and there was a loud reunion. Whereupon a huge man of about 30 appeared and called out, "Mom, is this guy bothering you?"
"No, no," said the Madam, "in fact, John, I'd like you to meet your father."
"What?" said John, 'this little Jewish guy's my father?"
To which Jacob responded,
"Watch your manners! If I hadn't been so generous, you'd have been
The first grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess.
Teacher asks Sarah, "What did you do at recess?"
Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."
Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
She does and gets a cookie.
Teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.
Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."
Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." Morris does, and gets a cookie.
Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."
Teacher says, "Threw
rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can
go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination,' I'll give
you a cookie."
Kimo is a bus driver for the Honolulu Transit Company. One day Kimo is headed to work on his bus route, when he runs across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. The van driver works for the Honolulu Zoo. He pleads with Kimo to do him a favor.
He offers a $100 bill to Kimo to help him deliver a truckload of penguins to the zoo, because they needed to be there within the hour. Agreeing, Kimo proceeds to load two dozen penguins onto his bus. Then, off they drive towards the zoo.
An hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed and heads off to the zoo to catch up with his delivery. As he's driving down the road, he sees Kimo and the busload of penguins heading in the opposite direction. He turns his van around and chases in pursuit. He finally catches up to the bus and pulls over Kimo on the side of the road. In an irate voice he asks, "Hey, Kimo. I thought I gave you a $100 dollars to go and take the penguins to the zoo for me?"
Kimo says. "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over,
so now I'm taking them to the movies!"
A beautiful lass was noticing a Scotsman in full regalia at a parade. Shy but curious, she approached him and asked, "Is it true, what they say about what Scotsman do not wear beneath their kilts?"
The Scotsman replied, "Well, lass, you'll just have to take a wee peek and discover for yourself."
She timidly lifted the hem and peered beneath. Immediately, she dropped it and said, "Aye, 'tis gruesome!"
To which he replied,
"Best look again, lass, I think it's grew some more!
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple
to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."
Sven and Ole worked
together and both were laid off, so off they went together to the unemployment
office. Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher. I sew the
elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher.
Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment
pay. Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied.
Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.
When Ole found, he was furious. He stormed back in to the office to find
out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk
explained: Panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled
labor. "What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on
the panties, Sven pulls them down on his head and says, "Yah, diesel
A spic, a ni___r and a honky were walking together through the desert and stumbled upon a lamp. The honky grabs it up and rubs it hoping for a genie. Lo and behold, a genie pops out and decides to give all three of them one wish instead of the usual 3 for 1.
The spic goes first and wishes that all of his Mexican amigos in the U.S. return to Mexico, proud and independent. POOF! all the spics in the U.S. are back in Mexico.
The ni___r goes next and wishes for all of his fellow ni___rs to return to Africa, proud and independent. POOF! all of the ni___rs are back in Africa.
The honky goes next
and says, "You mean to tell me all of the Spics and Ni___rs are out
of the United States?" The Genie nods, yes. The honky happily replies,
'Well then I'll just have a Coke"
Sammy Davis Jr. got on a bus in Jackson, Mississippi. The bus driver looked at him and said, "Hey, ni___r, get to the back of the bus."
Sammy Davis Jr. said, "Wait a minute...wait a minute! I'm Jewish!"
The bus driver spat
and said, "Get off!"
The queen of England
and the Pope were seated side by side on the platform at an event. After
speaking together the subject of the innate powers of their respective
offices came up.
An Arab was walking
through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something,
far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image,
only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch
of neckties laid out on it.
Olie and his wife Lena went to the state fair every year, every year Olie would say, "Lena, I'd like to ride in that there airplane," and every year Lena would say, "I know Olie, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Olie and Lena went to the fair and Olie said, "Lena, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Lena replied, "Olie that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Olie and Lena agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Olie "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Olie replied, "Well,
I was gonna say something when Lena fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.
Four men - an East
Indian, a Japanese, a Black man, and a white man gathered at the top of
a 30-story building.
Wong's Best Educational Seller: "Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes"
A mamma skunk, baby
skunk, mamma rabbit, and baby rabbit were standing by the side of the
road waiting to cross. The mamas told the babies to stay back, they
would make sure it was safe.
Q: What are the differences
between an Italian and a Puerto Rican?
Q: Why can't you get
a decent blow job in Puerto Rico?
Q: What's the best
selling underarm deodorant in Puerto Rico?
Q: Did you hear about
the enterprising Puerto Rican who made a fortune?
Q: What are the first
three words a Puerto Rican child hears when he arrives in the U.S.?
Q: Why did the cops
in New York take the emergency number '911' off the squad cars?
Q: If a Norwegian
and a Puerto Rican are having a foot race through a tunnel, who will eventually
Q: Did you
hear about the Puerto Rican grade school dropout who came to New York
and through hard work made himself rich, even though he only knew three
words of English?
the Puerto Rican national flower?
Q: What happened
when the Puerto Rican called the suicide hotline?
Q: Did you
hear about the guy who ran into a Puerto Rican bar and yelled, "Fire!"?
A Puerto Rican couple
had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in
love, couldn't wait to go out and party with his old buddies, so he says
to his new wife, "Preciosa (precious), I'll be right back."
Olie were vacationing and attended their first fair. The first thing to
catch Sven's eye is the big double Ferris wheel. "Oh, Olie,"
he says, "vould you look at dat. I've always vanted to go on von
of dose big Ferris veels. Let's go ride on dat von."
an Eskimo family arrived in New York City. This was the first time out
of their native village, and it wasn't long before the wife got lost.
The Eskimo husband asked a passerby for help and was told to go to the
police and report it.
her!" exclaimed the Eskimo. "Let's go look for yours!"
from Pakistan decided to visit England. When they reached the border,
immigration stopped them to look at their passports and ask a few questions.
A Paki is
standing at the bus stop waiting for the bus. Just then a dog walks
by and drops two big turds right next to him.
Nawaz Sharif wanted to raise money for his Country, and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.
He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline:
NAWAZ SHARIF'S ASS SHOWS
Mian Sahib was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:
NAWAZ SHARIF'S ASS OUT IN FRONT
Abbajee was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered Mian Nawaz Sharif not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read:
ABBAJEE SCRATCHES NAWAZ SHARIF'S ASS
This was too much for the Abbajee, so he ordered Nawaz Sharif to get rid of the donkey. Mian Sahib decided to give it to Benazir Bhutto. The paper headline the next day read:
BENAZIR HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
All the opposition leaders got very upset at this publicity. They informed Benazir that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for Rs: 500. Next day the headline read:
BENAZIR SELLS ASS FOR Rs: 500
This was too much for the veteran opposition leader, Nawabzada Nasrullah Khan, so he ordered Benazir to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read:
BENAZIR ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The Nawabzada was buried the next day and Pakistan got rid of the biggest Ass it had produced in the bargain.
Pakistan just got their new Chinese fighter planes and sent a squadron of pilots there for training.
"Ok, this one is easy to fly", said the Chinese trainer, "even you fools should be able to operate it! You press this button to go up, this one to go left and this one for turning right!"
"But how do we come down?" asked Capt. Arfath Pasha.
said the Chinese "leave that to the Indian Air Force!"
Why do flies have wings?
Q: Why are
the Pakis lousy soccer players?
What is the difference between a female Paki and a catfish?
How many Pakis can one fit in a telephone booth?
Q: What is
a Paki limo?
Q: Why do
Paki's have that red dot on their foreheads?
Whenever you see a Paki woman with the dot on her forehead, she is referred to as being "cable ready!"
Q: What do
you call 500 Pakis running around in a circle?
Top 10 reasons the 9/11 terrorists were not Pakistani...
10. 8:45a.m. is too early for most Pakistanis.
9. Pakistanis are always late, they would've missed all 4 flights.
8. They would've discussed their plans so damn loud that security wouldn't let them anywhere near the terminal.
7. On the flight they'd be busy trying to steal as many of those free colognes, toothbrushes, and other free toiletries available in the bathroom; and then try to stuff as many of those headphones into their pockets to bring home to all their family members.
6. They would be too busy checking out and weighing the airhostesses legs and boobs to worry about crashing the plane .
5. The suspected car found outside of Boston Airport would be a Toyota, not a Ford.
4. They would be too busy making their hair.
3. Talking behind each other's backs would start a big fight on the plane.
2. They could never fly alone and their mum, dad, grandmothers, grand fathers, uncles and aunts and half their village would also be on the plane so it's unlikely they would crash it.
1. They'd get homesick, realize that they have an airplane in their possession and try to wing it to Pakistan.
A Hindu, missing his beloved sacred cattle from the old country, decides to go out and buy himself a cow. When he arrives at a farm with cattle for sale, the farmer shows him his herd, from which the Hindu picks out one cow that he likes.
"I want that one", he tells the farmer. "But one question," he asks, "Can you deliver the cow?"
"No problem," says the farmer.
"Where would you like it delivered to?"
"To my apartment in Toronto", the Hindu answers.
"You wanna keep a cow in your apartment?!" says the surprised farmer.
"Oh yes, it will fit in the freight elevator no problem," says the Hindu.
"But what about the smell?" asks the farmer.
The Hindu answers, "Don't worry, the cow will get used to it."
and Cohen were partners as honey dippers. That is, they cleaned
out cesspools for a living. O'Reilly went down into the cesspool
and passed buckets of the contents up to Cohen.