Ethnic
Amusement II
...and some people consider this to be racist.
the Original Ethnic Amusement
Page
Why
hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons
to hate them.
-Denis Leary
Heaven vs. Hell
In Heaven:
the cooks are French,
the policemen are English,
the mechanics are German,
the lovers are Italian
and the bankers are Swiss.
In Hell:
the cooks are English,
the policemen are German,
the mechanics are French,
the lovers are Swiss
and the bankers are Italian.
Back to the Top
Bowels
Not Move
Once there
was an Indian named Bowels who lived out in a big field in a teepee.
One day a railroad company came by and decided to build a railroad right
in the middle of this field. A railroad worker told the Bowels that
he was going to have to move. He replied with arms folded and in
a stern voice, "Bowels not move!"
The railroad worker said, "Man, you had better go see a doctor!
So the old Indian went to the doctor and said, "Bowels not move!"
The doctor said, "OK, take these pills and come back and see me in
a week."
A week passed and the Indian came back and said, "Bowels still not
move!"
The doctor said, "OK, take these pills and come back and see me in
two weeks." Two weeks past, and the Indian came back and said
in a somewhat strained voice, "Bowels still not move!"
The doctor replied, "OK, I'm going to have to give you the strongest
pills I have. Take these and come back and see me in a month."
A month passed and the Indian came back and said, "Bowels move now
-- teepee full of shit!"
Back to the Top
A
White Boy and a Black Boy Compare Penises
A white
boy and a black boy met for the first time, on the first day of the sixth
grade. Their fathers were both share-croppers, so the two had a lot in
common and became fast friends.
On the third day of school, it was a hot, sweltering September day. At
lunch, the black kid says, "I know a fine, shady hole in Possum Creek
that is jist yellin' fer us to go swimin' there after school. Wha' da
ya think?"
"My, my," says the Caucasian. "You are a man of wisdom!"
Directly after school, the two youngsters are on the bank, peeling off
their clothes, getting ready for a dip in the cool, creek water. The white
boy looks over at the black boy's dick and is astounded by the size of
it. He says, "I heard you coons all have big dicks, but now I believe
it." The other youth swells with pride and says, "My eddicated
gran'daddy says it is racial genetics."
The white boy, not knowing what the hell 'racial genetics' means, asks,
"How can I get mine bigger like yours?"
"Grease", says the black dude, with his tongue in cheek.
"Grease?"
"Yeppers! Grease it ever' night before you go to bed."
Well, they dove in, swam for a couple of hours, were cooled off and each
headed for home, refreshed. A few weeks later, they met for another
swim. They peeled off their cloths and for some reason, the little black
dude had half a hard on. The white boy was crushed.
"It's been almost 3 weeks since we were here. I've greased my tool
like you said, and it looks even smaller. Faking sympathy, the black dude
says, "What kind o' grease did you use, white chil'?"
"Crisco! An' I ain' no chil'!"
"Mothur fuckin'-kiss my ass! No wonder you ain't gittin' no where,
spindle dick!" The white boy screeched out, "Why?" "This
the gospel, white kid! Crisco is shortening!"
Back to the Top
There
Goes the Neighborhood
Two Indian
scouts watched silently from their place of concealment behind some shrubbery
as the first white settlers set foot on the North American continent.
After solemnly surveying the scene for several minutes, the one Indian
turned to the other and said, "Well, there goes the neighborhood."
Back to the Top
In
Charge of Supplies!
An Italian,
a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy,
"You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're
in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're
in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect
you guys to make a big dent in that there pile."
So the foreman went away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile
of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you
sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the
Chinese a fella that he awasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared
and I nocouldafinda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, And you, I thought I
told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself
a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ahcouldnay
fin' him either."
The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand
to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from
behind the pile of sand and yells "SUPPLIES"!!
Back to the Top
Greek
Humor
Little Stavros
walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the
side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick in preparation of fucking
his wife. Stavros' father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a
condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Stavros asked curiously, "What are you doing, papa?"
His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath
the bed.",
To which Little Stavros replied "What are you going to do, fuck him
in the ass?"
Q: How do you separate the Greek boys from the Greek men at a Greek BBQ?
A: With a Crowbar!
One Greek
says to another, "Do you think you'll ever go back to Greece?"
"No," he answered, "I'll stick with vaseline!"
Q: Why was the Greek boy so sad when he arrived in America?
A: Because he had to leave his little brothers behind.
Q: What's the best-selling brand of lipstick in Greece?
A: Preparation H!
Q: Why do Greek men wear moustaches?
A: So they can look like their mothers!
Q: Why did God invent alcohol?
A: So Greeks can get laid.
Q: Did you hear about the little Greek boy who ran away from home?
A: He didn't like the way he was being reared!
Q: What's
the definition of a nice Greek Boy?
A: A boy who takes a girl out twice before screwing her brother.
An Irishman, a Jew and a Greek guy were walking down the street when a
piano fell on them. The next thing they new they were talking to
St. Peter who explained it wasn't their time yet. However, in order
to be sent back, they all had to agree to give up what they loved most
in life. Naturally, all three men wanted to live and quickly agreed.
Suddenly they were back on the street next to a shattered piano.
Realizing there close call they decided to get a drink and walked into
the closest bar. The Irish guy took a sip of his beer and suddenly
disappeared, beer and all.
The other two looked at each other, put their drinks down and left the
bar realizing they would have to be careful. As they stepped outside,
the Jewish guy saw a penny on the ground and stopped short in front of
the Greek. He bent down to pick it up and suddenly the Greek was
gone!
The
Official Greek Handbook on "How To Be A Cool Greek!"
1. Wear clothes of 2 colors, black and white.
2. Own a cell phone and use it in at inappropriate times - in church,
at a restaurant, funeral, wedding, etc.
3. Refers to anyone who's not Greek despairingly as "xeni"
and pity them for not being as cultured and sophisticated as the Greeks.
4. Have predominantly Greek friends, with a few token "xeni"
thrown in for diversity. Then, talks Greek when "xeni"
are around.
5. Dress as though you are headed for a club when actually going
to work or class.
6. If you are a Greek woman, stare menacingly at the other women
around you, especially if there richer or more attractive than you.
7. If you are a Greek guy, be sure not to bathe to achieve an "earthy"
scent, then try to mask it with a lot of cologne; the combination drives
babes wild!
8.
Smoke as if is your last day on earth, and smoke only Marlboros.
9. Travel only in droves of 10 or more, and be as loud as possible
at all times.
10. If you're single, go to all Greek intercollegiate parties and all
GOYA conferences, even if you're 45 years old.
ATHENS
2004 UPDATE
Despite rumors,
Greece has announced they will be ready for the 2004 Olympics. However,
some events have been changed for the next summer games. Thus, we present
the Athens, Greece - Official Events for Olympics 2004:
1. Cigarette
chain smoking marathon.
- First person to cough up a lung wins!
2. Gathering
olives from trees.
- The Spaniards reckon they can take the Greeks on this one.
3. Long distance
spitting.
- Ftou!
4. Nastiest
armpit smell.
- This event takes place on any Bus in central Athens.
5. Thickest
moustache!
- Females are welcome to compete, too!
6. Goat herders'
relay.
- Bulgarians were disqualified last year because they lost their bell.
7. Tavli.
- Ask for Kostaki at the kafeneio and don't eat the sporia.
8. Komboloi
(worry beads) toss.
- Both distance and accuracy count for points, double points if you get
it stuck in the klimataria!
9. Longest
duration wearing the same piece of clothing.
- Qualifiers for this event go straight into the final round for event
4.
10. Papaki
(small motorbike) race to the beach.
- 10 bonus points if you knock over a German backpacker.
11. The evil
eye stare-down competition.
- Free xematiasma for anybody who arrives before 10pm.
12. Diloti/Xeri
playing.
- Bonus points if you slam the cards down so hard you knock over the bowl
of xerous karpous.
13. Frappé
drinking.
- Bonus points available if you can still look tough and macho with a
frappé in your hand.
You
Know You're Greek When...
1) A high
school diploma and 1 year of community college has earned you the title
of "professor" among your aunts.
2) You are
on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
3) If someone
in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his mother had
an affair.
4) There
are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
5) You netted
more than $50,000 on your baptism.
6) You or
a family member have been photographed with a donkey.
7) You have
ever been threatened by a Greek School Teacher.
8) You still
get threatened by a Greek School Teacher even though you're 30 yrs old.
9) You have
been spanked by your friend's parents because your parents gave them permission
to.
10) You have
at least 2 kitchens in your house and a lamb roaster in your backyard.
Version
II:
You
Know You're Greek When...
1) At some
point in your life, you waited tables.
2) 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say "Embros"
when answering the phone.
3) You are an adult and are forced to be with your family at 12 midnight
on New Year's Eve.
4) Upon meeting another Greek, one of your first questions is, "what
church do you go to"?
5) Your grandmother/mother/aunt has a miracle cure for every ailment under
the sun.
6) You can name any or all of the gods on Mount Olympus.
7) Your mother or father still feel the need to tell you, "katse
kala" in public.
8) You have been hit with a "pandofla" or a "koutala"
or a "lourithi".
9) You can dance the kalamatiano, tsamiko or zebekiko without music.
10) You must name your children after your parents, grandparents, or in-laws.
11) You have at least 5 Maria's, 9 Dimitri's, 5 Niko's, 6 George's and
4 Yanni's in the family.
12) You have ever heard the phrase, "Sto leo yia to kalo sou".
13) Your parents have ever made up the name of a street or store or TV
show because they couldn't remember it or pronounce it.
14) Upon meeting another Greek you try to find out what village they're
from.
15) You have a bottle of OUZO in your house right now.
Never
Turn Over
Mary, a very
devout and innocent Catholic girl, was on the way to the church for her
wedding with Nick, a Greek boy. Her mother said, in the car on the way,
"Now Mary, Nick is a wonderful man, and I know you love him a lot.
So do I, but remember, he is a Greek, and you know how Greeks are. If
he ever asks you to turn over in bed, tell him no, and come home to me
if he asks again!"
So of course
Mary said, "Yes, Mother," and she and Nick were married and
lived together very happily for about two years. But sure enough, one
night in bed Nick said, "Hey, Mary, let's try something new. Turn
over."
"No!"
said Mary. "My mother warned me about you. No!"
"Aw,
you might like it!" said Nick. "Why not try?"
"NO!"
she said again. "And if you ask again I'm leaving!"
"But
Mary! You agreed that we would have children!"
How
To Raise A Greek Daughter...
1. Never let your daughters spend the night anywhere, except at a fellow
Greek's house.
2. Spend their whole life trying to find them a husband and disapproving
of every one they find on their own.
3. Spoil them rotten, but make them feel guilty for it when they ask for
something.
4. Fathers - tell them their just like their mothers when you're mad.
Mothers- tell them they have their father's head when you're mad.
5. Always compare them to other Greek girls (preferably those they can't
stand) when trying to make them do something.
6. Complain that their clothes are too short, too tight, too low cut,
too black, too cheap, or not right for church.
7. Brag to your friends about how beautiful and smart they are, but tell
them to make their sons to stay away.
8. Press for them to marry a greek man, but then ward them off any Greek
man you see them with. "He's okay, but his mother is crazy."
"His father cleans up goat shit." "I
heard his has a big house but he locks his yiayia downstairs, do you want
to marry someone like that?" "No policemen."
9. Tell them they eat too much or not enough, depending on the situation.
10. Let them run around naked as children, but make them dress like nuns
as adults.
11. Complain they spend too much money shopping, and then go out and blow
$1000 on a poker game or gambling.
12. Tell them they never keep their car clean enough, even if your vehicle
is covered in dust, reeks of smoke, and has empty coffee cups and food
crumbs covering the inside.
13. Force them to be nice to people they can't stand, while you talk about
those same people like they are dogs.
14. Have a fit when they use the word 'malaka', but use it yourself as
if it were going out of style.
15. Let their brothers get away with murder.
16. Embarass them by getting drunk at name days, Easter, festivals, etc,
and then dancing the zembekeiko.
17. Assign a name to all their friends, and use them at inappropriate
occasions (i.e. the mavra, the fat one, the ugly one, the dumb one, the
slut, the chinese one)
18. Never let them leave the house after 10 O'clock.
19. Force them to go to church, join GOYA, dance in the festival.
20. Tell them "good greek girls don't behave that way" as many
times as possible within a lifetime.
21. Buy them gold jewelry even when you know they only wear silver.
22. Fathers - always leave your shirt unbuttoned at least 3 buttons, exposing
chest hair and gold cross, when going anywhere with your daughters.
23. Expect them to know all of the Greek dances - except for the 'tsiftetelli'.
24. Make them believe that Greek women never have sex.
You
Know You're An American Married To A Greek...
1. At Easter you have ever taken a ride out to a farm and come home with
a dead lamb, including its intestines in a bucket.
2. At Easter you have ever lifted the lid to the pot boiling on the stove
and seen something looking back at you (head of the lamb).
3. At Easter you have been made fun of because you won't eat the soup.
4. You have ever had to pick-up your in-laws from the airport with more
than one car because all their luggage wouldn't fit into one.
5. Your father-in-law has ever tried to negotiate the purchase of a new
car for you.
6. You are the only one in church without black hair, and wearing a brown
suit.
7. They never give you the hanky and ask you to lead the line at Church
dances.
8. The taste of Ouzo makes you ill.
9. You have ever come home from the store with the wrong Feta.
10. You hate the Turks but not sure why.
11. Your in-laws can't understand why you would want to vacation somewhere
other than Greece.
12. Half the pictures hanging in your house are religious icons.
Top
10 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Marry a Greek Man
1. Two words...His
Mother.
2. Housework
and birthing his children isn't your life's ambition.
3. Sometimes
you want to have an opinion about something.
4. You hate
his mother's cooking, and that's all he'll eat.
5. His brother/cousin/friend/uncle
has the hots for you.
6. Spending
your wedding night alone while he plays poker isn't your idea of fun.
7. Your nostrils
can't take the amount of cologne he "splashes" on.
8. You thought
"Greek Style" was how green beans and chicken was cooked.
9. Looking
at other men isn't allowed, but he can look at other women.
10.
He picks his nose in public.
Back to the Top
Cuban Jokes
The City
of Miami advertised for somebody to help rid their city of a growing rat
infestation. A man answered the ad and showed up, guaranteeing that
he could do the job, so he was put to work.
He started his efforts and opened a box and took out a green rat. The
rat ran all over the city and all of the pesky rats followed him to an
inlet near South Beach. At the last minute, the green rat jumped
aside and all of the Miami's rats jumped into the inlet and drowned.
When the man went to collect his money, the Mayor said, "I want to
talk to you first." The man said, "I don't want any bull,
I want my money."
"No problem, you will get your money," replied the Mayor. "I
want to know if you have access to a little green Cuban!"
One
day, el Presidente Fidel Castro died and went to Heaven. He knocked
on the pearly door and demanded to be let in. St. Peter looked through
the peep-hole and saw Castro standing there with his two suitcases.
He yelled from behind the door that there had to be some mistake, he was
destined for the other place. With that, St. Pete pressed a button
and a trap door opened up from below Castro, plunging him to the depths
of Hell.
"Welcome, el Presidente," Satan said, "We've been expecting
you." Still shaken from the sudden drop, Castro began by complaining
that his suitcases were left at the doors of Heaven. "No problem,"
said Satan, "we'll send a couple of demons to get them for you."
A little while later, St. Peter hears some noise outside of Heaven's door.
Again looking through the peep-hole, he sees the demons with the suitcases.
At this, St. Peter says, "I knew it. Castro has only been in
Hell for five minutes, and already, here comes the refugees!"
A
Cuban man was continually bothering the waiter in a Miami Beach restaurant.
First, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was
too hot. Then, he asked it be turned down because he was too cold,
and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and
never once getting angry. So finally, an American sitting at a table
stop the waiter and asked why he didn't just throw out the annoying Cuban
man.
"Oh I don't care," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't
even have an air conditioner!"
Fidel
Castro dies, and a search begins for a proper burial place for the Maximum
Leader, but no one seems the agree where that place should be.
So, they
decide to ask the wisest man in Cuba, Pancho, an old farmer at the Sierra
Maestra mountains. Pancho says they can bury Fidel anywhere in the world
except Jerusalem, just to make sure he doesn't resurrect after three days.
Castro is
giving a speech at the Revolution Square and says: "Comrades, God
willing, this year we will have enough eggs for all the Cuban people!"
At which
point his brother Raul leans over and says to him: "But Fidel, we
are Communists, there is no God." To which Fidel responds in a whisper:
"Don't worry. There are no eggs either."
Q:
Why can't you get a good blow job in Cuba?
A: Because all the cocksuckers are over here in Miami!
Q: How does Cuba train their swimmers for the Olympics?
A: They put up a sign at the end of the pool that says 'United States
Border'!
Did you
know that they're sending the Statue of Liberty to Miami, Florida?
And when it gets there, they are going to dress it up and change it's
name to the Statue of Aunt Jemina. It will be holding a Cuban black
bean and pork sandwich at the entrance of the Miami River!
Fidel visits
a cheese factory south of Havana to meet with the workers. One of them,
Pepe Garcia, is very upset, and he tells Fidel, "I have a question:
This is a bunch of crap. There is no cheese in this factory. Where is
the cheese?" Fidel responds that it is a very good question and that
in the next meeting they will analyze that issue.
A couple
of weeks later Fidel visits the cheese factory again, and meets the workers.
Another worker, Juan Perez, tells Fidel, "Commandante, I have two
questions. First, where is the cheese? Second, where is Pepe?
A drunk man
is at one of Havana's main street corners shouting: "Castro, sonovabitch!,;
Castro, murderer!; "Castro, because of you I'm dying of hunger!;
Castro, you are a curse to the Cuban people!"
A policewoman
arrives to the scene and beats the hell out of him. The drunk guy retorts,
"Why are you beating me? There are many people in Cuba named Castro!"
The policewoman responds: "Yes, but with those characteristics, there
is only one!"
Fidel Castro
and his chauffeur were cruising along a country road in Las Villas one
day when a pig ran out in front of their car. The chauffeur tried to avoid
it, but couldn't, and the pig was killed. The dictator ordered the driver
to go to the bohio (i.e., farmhouse) and explain to the owners what had
happened.
About an
hour later the chauffeur staggered back to the jeep with his clothes in
total disarray. He was holding a bottle of rum in one hand, a cigar in
the other and smiling happily.
What happened?,"
asked Fidel.
"Well,"
the chauffeur replied, "the guajiro (i.e., farmer) gave me the rum,
his wife gave me the cigar and their beautiful daughter made mad, passionate
love to me."
"My
God, what did you tell them?," asked Fidel.
The driver
replied, "I said, 'I'm Fidel Castro's chauffeur, and I just killed
the pig'."
Q: What do you call a Cuban orchestra after an international tour?
A: A quartet!
Q: How does a typical Cuban worker view his job?
A: "I pretend to work, and the government pretends to pay me!"
A teacher
at La Escuela de Cuba, asks a little Cuban boy, Pepito, what he wants
to be when he grows up.
"A tourist!"
Pepito replies.
"Don't
be silly, tourists are foreign," the teacher says.
"OK
then, a hotel bellboy."
Three cellmates
in a Cuban jail compared notes. "I was jailed for coming to work
late," mourned the first. "They said I was trying to upset the
productivity quota."
"Me,
I came to work early." said the second. "They said this proved
I was a capitalist spy."
"And
I am here for always getting to work on time," added the third. "They
said that proved I had an American watch."
Back to the Top
Russian
Jokes
Q: Why do
Women Prefer Russian Sailors?
A: They not scared to go down, will bang away for hours,
lay down in a wet spot and still be stiff after 10 hours!
Q: What
do you call a Russian man with three balls?
A: Vladimir Whodyanockaballoff.
Q: What do you call a Russian Prostitute?
A: Raisa Gotyourknickersoffalot.
Q: What do used condoms and Russian subs have in common?
A: Dead seamen (semen)!
Q:
What do you call a sexually transmitted disease in Russian?
A: Rotyourkockov!
A Russian,
an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding where to
go for a drink. The Irishman said "Let's all go to O'Tooles.
With every third round, the bartender will give each of us a free Guiness."
The Italian said "That sounds good, but if we go to Martini's, with
every third round they bring a free bottle of Chianti to the table."
The Russian said "That sounds fine but if we go to Vlastof's, we
drink for free all night and then go out into the parking lot and get
laid."
"That sounds to good to be true!" the Irishman exclaimed. "Have
you actually been there?"
"No," the Russian replied, "but my wife goes there all
the time."
A Brit,
a Frenchman and a Russian were viewing a painting of Adam and Eve walking
in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," mused the Brit. "They
must be British!"
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagreed. "They're naked,
and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French!"
"It is obvious they are Russian," argued the Russian.
"They have no clothes and no shelter, they have only an apple to
eat, and they are being told this is paradise!"
A
Russian Czar's birthday arrived, and when he woke up, he saw a message
written in piss on the heavy snow from the night before: "A happy
birthday to you my Master, signed Ivan, your loyal servant."
The Czar calls Ivan and says, "It was nice of you to remember my
birthday, but how the heck did you did it? You are an illiterate."
The noble responded, "Oh, it was simple. I was only pissing
in snow, but your wife was holding my dick!"
Having a
drink together Vasile asked his pal Andrei, "Why are you so miserable?
Romania looks to the West, we are learning their ways so that we can improve
our life style, we....."
" Yes. You are right, we are trying to do like they are doing in
the West. But what demolished me is that I have had two wives and
now I have none."
"How come?"
"My first wife went to see this great surgeon who was visiting Bucharest
and had a sex change. You can imagine. I then divorced her.
As to the second one , even worse."
"How can that be, what can possibly be worse than that?"
"She divorced me and married my first wife!
An American
journalist was stopped at a Russian Checkpoint in the bullet-pocked suburb
of Chechnya.
The Russian soldier said, "Get out of the car and open the trunk!"
The American replied, "I'm sorry, but the handbrake on the car is
broken. I can't take my foot off the brake or it'll roll back down the
hill."
So the Russian says, "Do you take me for a FOOL?!" as he slides
into the passenger seat, and stamps his big boot onto the brake pedal.
"Now, go and open the trunk!"
So the journalist reluctantly complies with the soldiers request and goes
and opens the trunk of the car.
"Now", shouts the Russian from inside the car, "Is there
any contraband in there?"
Chechnya.
Winter. Young solder is on a guard. Other soldiers are resting.
Suddenly they hear a shot and they hurry to see what is going on.
Young soldier reports: "I heard noise, I saw Chechnyan with beard
and big sack, I shoot him!"
The sergeant looks at a body, and thoughtfully looks at the soldier and
says: "Because of such assholes like you, we have third Christmas
in row without Santa Claus!"
Vladimir
Putin wakes up in the morning, sees the sun, and says, "Good morning,
sun!", to which the sun replies, "Good morning, President Putin."
Later that afternoon, he faces the window, turns to the sun, and says
"Good afternoon, sun!", to which the sun replies, "Good
afternoon, President Putin."
That evening, as it began to grow dark, he turns to the sky and asks the
sun why it isn't there. The sun replies, "Fuck you, Putin--I'm
in the west now!"
A Russian
man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing
the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even
concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered.
He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door
he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week
two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks.
The salesman
checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two years to the exact
week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching
the door, he turns back again.
"Could
you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will
arrive?" The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and
says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday. The
man thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave.
Halfway though
the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman.
"I'm
sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years
from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?" Visibly
irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and
says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday.
"That's
a relief!" says the man. "The plumber is coming in the morning!"
One day an
officer is visiting a Russian school. He comes up to little Lovya.
"Who
is your mother, little boy?"
"Mother
Russia."
"And
who is your father?"
"Comrade
Stalin."
"And
what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"An
orphan."
This is related
by a recent émigré from the USSR, according to a recent
issue of "World Press Review":
One cold
winter, a rumor went around that a certain butcher shop would have meat
for sale the next day. By very early the next morning, a long queue had
formed outside of the butcher shop.
At 8 o'clock
an official came out briefly and announced, "Well, comrades, I'm
afraid there's not enough meat for everybody here. Would all of the Jews
leave?"
They did,
and the line was shortened somewhat.
At 11 o'clock
the official came out again and announced, "Well, comrades, I'm afraid
there's still not enough meat for all. Would all of the non-party members
please leave?"
They did,
and the line was shortened again.
At 2 o'clock,
the official came out again. "There's still not enough meat for all
of you! Would all those who did not defend our great country from the
fascist German intruder leave?"
Once again,
the line was considerably shortened.
At 5 o'clock,
the official announcement was, "There's still not enough! Would all
those who did not participate in the liberation of our people from the
terrors of the Czar leave!"
This included
just about everybody.
Finally,
at 8 o'clock in the evening, the official came out again. The only people
left in line were three half-frozen old men.
He told them,
"There isn't any meat."
The old men
moved slowly away, grumbling among themselves - "Those Jews get the
best of everything!!"
The first Russian election was held when God put Eve in front of Adam
and said, "Go ahead, choose your wife."
Little Boy:
What will communism be like when perfected?
His Father:
Everyone will have what he needs.
Little Boy:
But what if there is a shortage of meat?
His Father:
There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat
today."
A Russian is stopped by a traffic policeman, who opens his car's trunk
and sees a Kalashnikoff automatic rifle there.
"What
the hell is that supposed to be?" the policeman asks.
"It's
a calculator," replies the Russian.
"Gimme
a break," the policeman protests, producing a calculator from his
pocket, "Now here's a calculator."
"Different
models," the Russian explains. "Yours is for preliminary score...
mine is for final ones."
Before Chernobyl,
Russian women were mighty handsome.
Now, they are damn radiant!
An American
and a Russian are talking about their governments.
"Ours
is a free country," says the American. "Once, I was in Langley,
VA, and couldn't find a public restroom, so I urinated near the CIA headquarters."
"Ours
is a free country too," says the Russian. "Once, I was on Lubyanka
square in Moscow, and couldn't find a public restroom, so I took a shit
near the KGB headquarters."
"And
you got away with it?" asked the incredulous American.
"Of
Course! Nobody saw it...I didn't even take my pants off."
Back to the Top
Mike
Tyson and Jesse Jackson at the Vatican
Mike Tyson
and Jesse Jackson decided to take a vacation to Rome. When they visited
the Vatican, they decided that they should take a little time to pray
to God. While they are praying, Mike Tyson pulls out a bag of peanuts
and begins to eat them, while he throws the shells on the floor.
Jesse Jackson says, "Pick up them damn peanut shells 'fore you gets
us thrown outta here!".
Mike Tyson says, "No. I'll go eat my peanuts on the other side so
you won't bother me."
After sitting on the other side of the room for a few minutes, Jesse Jackson
sees the Pope walk in, give the sign of the cross to Mike Tyson and leave.
Jesse runs over to Tyson and says, "Hey, what did he say to you?"
Mike Tyson says, "Oh, he said 'You, pick those shells off the floor,
(points to Jesse Jackson) get that other ni___r, (points to the door)
and get the hell out of here!"
Back to the Top
Henri
Sees a Man Making Love to a Dead Woman
An elderly French
man was walking down the countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day
when, over a hedgerow, he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in
a field.
Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, ze young
love ... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers.
C'est magnifique !!", and continued to watch, remembering good times.
Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais ... Sacre bleu! Ze woman
- she is dead!!", and he hurried along as fast as he could to the
town to tell Albert, the police chief.
He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Albert,
Albert, zere is zis man, zis woman, naked in farmer Gaston's field making
love."
The police chief smiled and said; "Come, come, Henri, you are not
so old. Remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers.
Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay."
"Mais non! You do not understand ze woman she is dead!!"
Hearing this, Albert leapt out from his seat and rushed out of the station
and ran down to the field. There, he confirmed Henri's story and
ran all the way back non-stop to call the doctor.
"Pierre, Pierre, this is Albert. I was in Gaston's field. Zere
is a young couple naked 'aving sex."
To which Pierre replied, "Albert, I am a man of science. You
must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, L'amour!
Zis is very natural."
Albert, still out of breath, gasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand
ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this Pierre shouted, "Mon dieu!", grabbed his black
medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools
and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.
Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back
to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went
inside, and smiled patiently at the two Frenchmen and said, "Ah,
mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead...she is English!"
Back to the Top
A
New Zealander, a Sheep, and a Dog Are Shipwrecked
A New Zealander, a
sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves
stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into
the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening,
the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and
gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started
looking better and better to the New Zealander. Soon, he leaned over to
the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the New Zealander took
his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued
to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman
the New Zealander had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they
rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening
beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds,
a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon,
the New Zealander started to get "those feelings" again. He
fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over
to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Back
to the Top
A
Collection of Arab Jokes
A young man is walking through the streets one evening in Dublin, Ireland,
when a voice calls out of the dark, "Halt, Catholic or Protestant?"
To this, the man proudly replies, "Catholic" and BANG!, he's
immediately shot through the heart.
A little while later, another man is walking down the same street.
Again, the voice calls out, "Catholic or Protestant?"
This time, the man proudly proclaims, "I'm Protestant!" and
BANG!, he's immediately shot through the heart.
Some time later, a third man is walking down the same street. Again,
out calls the voice, "Catholic or Protestant?" This man,
being more observant sees the 2 dead bodies ahead of him, and thinks to
himself that he'll beat this man at his own game. He loudly proclaims,
"Neither, I'm Jewish!" and BANG!, he's immediately shot through
the heart.
Out from the shadows steps a man with a rifle. Along comes a friend
of the man's. The armed man looks at his friend and says, with a
smirk on his face, "I must be the luckiest Arab in Ireland!"
===============
Useful Phrases To
Know When Traveling In Arab Countries:
AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN
- Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
FEKR-GABUL CARDAN DIVAT RAEH CUSH DIVAR
- I'm delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the
floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM
- The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must
have the recipe.
FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHAVARHMAN
- If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages,
I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public
AUTO ARRAREGH DVATEMAN
MAMO SEPAHEH-HAST
- It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of
your car.
MATERNIER CHERMEZ AHLIEH, GORBAN
- The red blindfold would be lovely, really.
KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRKAHEY
- I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies traveling
as reporters.
ETEHFORAN, DEHRATEE, OTAGEH SHOMA MIKRASTAM KHE DO HAFTAEH BA BODENEH
CATHERINE ZEETA JONES
- Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed self than
to spend a fortnight upon the person of Catherine Zeta Jones.
===============
Three women go to
see a therapist: a French, a Chinese and an Arab woman.
"Our husbands never do anything around the house to help us,"
they complained, "and we are tired of it!"
The therapist suggested that they stop doing work around the house and
to come back a few days later.
Five days later the three women came back and the therapist asks, "So
what happened?"
"Well," began the French woman, "the first day I didn't
see any change, but the second day he started helping around the house."
"Good," said the therapist.
"What about you," he asked the Chinese woman.
"Since first day, me see big change. Honorable husband pick
up clothes and take to honorable brother's dry cleaners," she answered.
"And you?" he finally asked the Arab woman.
"The first day I didn't see anything, and the second day I didn't
see anything. Finally, on the third day, my husband removed the
blindfold and I was able to open my eyes!"
===============
An Arab diplomat visiting
the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.
The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (French fries,
cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.), and was constantly sending his man-servant
Abdullah to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdullah would scamper off and return with a glass of
water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.
"Abdullah, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded
the Grand Emir.
"A thousand pardons, oh Illustrious One," stammered the
wretched Abdullah. "Infidel sit on well."
===============
A man from Saudi Arabia
named Abdul was bragging that in his country there are 79 different ways
to make mad passionate love.
A gent from Florida listened incredulously. "Why that's amazing.
Where I come from there's only one way."
"Just one?"
Abdul asked. "And which way is that?"
"Well," the Florida gent began, "there's a man and there's
a woman."
"Praise Allah!!" exclaims Abdul, "Number 80!"
===============
"Earlier
today, for the first time, Yassir Arafat issued a statement in Arabic
condemning terrorism. U.S. officials say the statement is a step in the
right direction except for the last line which translates into 'wink,
wink.'"
--Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
===============
The Israeli
ambassador was about to negotiate with Arafat for peace in the Middle
East but insisted that he must first tell a true story. This was agreed
upon and the story started:
"After
the Jews fled from Egypt and the Egyptian army was destroyed, Moses decided
to relax with a little swim in the Red Sea. After skinny dipping for a
half hour, Moses went to reclaim his clothes but his clothes couldn't
be found.
'Where are
my clothes?!?!?' demanded Moses. 'The Palestinians stole them!!!' yelled
all the Jews."
At this point
Arafat jumped angrily to his feet. "That's absurd! You can't blame
us! There were no Palestinians at that time!!"
"Exactly,"
said the ambassador. "Now we can negotiate."
===============
Arafat is
in his office, alone, when his bodyguards hear a loud explosion inside
his office. Rushing in, they see him on the floor, face bloodied, and
they ask, "What happened, Mr. Chairman?"
"A letter
bomb" exclaimed the injured despot.
"But
a letter bomb would have wounded your hands, not your mouth," replied
one of his experienced men.
Arafat replies,
"I was sealing it."
===============
Two Arabs
are chatting. One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures.
"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr."
"Here's
my second son. He's a martyr too." After a pause and a deep sigh,
the second Arab wistfully says, "They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Back to the Top
Indian
Jokes
Come Fly Punjab Airways
"Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain Awtar Singh
welcoming you to Punjab Airways. We apologize for the four day delay
in taking off, owing to bad weather and some overtime I had put in at
the bakery. This is flight one four four to New Delhi. Landing in Delhi
is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in the East. And if luck
is in our favor, we may even be landing on your village! Punjab Airways
has an excellent record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so
high that even the terrorists are afraid to fly with us!
It is with pleasure I announce that starting this year over 50% of our
passengers have reached their destination. For the ones that don't
make it, Punjab Airways staff have all the requisite experience for consoling
the next-of-kin. Our Stewardess Xena will be happy to brief you on our
out of court settlement policies. If our engines are too noisy for you,
on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off! To make your free
fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary tea and biscuits!
For our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you
find out if there really is a God!
We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be
shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But for our movie
buff, we will be flying right next to Air India, where their movie will
be visible from the right side of the cabin window. There is no-smoking
in this airplane. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning
system of engines trouble - telling us to slow down! Life jacket
are positioned under your seats and free bathing costumes are made available
to the aunties and swimming shorts to the uncles, for emergency jumps!
In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible
for the best view. If, however, we go a little too close do let us know.
Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark!
Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off and
fasten your belt. For those of you who can't find a seat belt, kindly
fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And for those of you
who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a flight attendant
so that they could arrange for you to sit on your suitcase.
Sorry, but I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend my
nephew's wedding. But please...make yourself at home and help yourself
to the cockpit.
Thank you for choosing Punjab Airways. HAVE A NICE JOURNEY.
There was once an Indian and a Pakistani who lived next door to each other.
The Indian owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick
up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg
in the Pakistani's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the
Pakistani pick up the egg. The Indian ran up to the Pakistani and told
him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Pakistani
disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Indian said, "In my family
we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the
balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me
in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, who ever gets
up quicker wins the egg."
The Pakistani agreed to this and so the Indian found his heaviest pair
of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the
Pakistani and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Pakistani fell
to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Pakistani stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to
kick you."
The Indian said, "Keep the damn egg!"
Q. Why did it only take one shot to kill Gandhi?
A. The killer aimed for the dot!
Back to the Top
Liberation
Day in the Netherlands
In the Netherlands
the fourth of May is a national holiday to remember and honor their war
dead. The following day is Liberation Day, with large scale celebrations.
On the fourth of May a German walks on the Dam square in Amsterdam and
notices a crowd standing in silence in front of the National Monument.
He asks one of them what is going on and the Dutchman explains that they
commemorate the thousands of dead that fell in Holland during the five
years of Nazi occupation.
"Thousands?" the German cries, "In Germany, millions were
killed during the war!"
"I know," the Dutchman replies. "That's what we will
be celebrating tomorrow!"
Back to the Top
The
Favorite Fruit Story
A white guy, a black
guy, and a Mexican guy are in a truck when it breaks down. While
walking through a field a farmer catches them. He tells them to
go pick your favorite fruit and bring back five of them to me or I'm going
to kill you dead on the spot. So they all go out and bring back
their favorite fruits.
The white guy comes back with five apples and the farmer tells him, if
he can stick all five apples up his ass he would let him go.
The Mexican guy comes back with cherries. The farmer tells him the
same thing. While the Mexican is sticking the cherries in his ass,
he starts laughing and shoots them out his ass.
The farmer asks what the problem is. The Mexican guy says, "Oh
nothing, just give me another chance".
The farmer says OK and gives him another chance. The Mexican guy
does it again and shoots the cherries out his ass. The farmer asks
him again what's so funny. The Mexican pleads with him give him
one more chance. The farmer tells him this is your last chance or
I'm going to kill you. The Mexican guy says okay.
The Mexican guy starts laughing yet a third time and shoots the cherries
out of his ass again. The farmers says, "That's it, what's
so damn funny!"
The Mexican says "OK, you know my black friend, his favorite fruit
is watermelon!"
Back to the Top
God's
Going to Even Things Up This Time
Nuclear
war has devastated the earth and God has come down to survey the damage.
The only two people alive are a white guy named Travis and a black guy
named Sam.
Travis is walking with God while Sam is exploring. God says to Travis,
"I am going to start the world over and this time things will be
perfect. I am going to give you three wishes, but because you whites
were so hard on the black people last time, I am going to give Sam twice
what I give you."
Travis is a little upset with this but figures what the hell. Travis
says, "First I would like 100 of the worlds most beautiful women
so that I can repopulate the earth." God says, "Fine,
then Sam gets 200 of the worlds most beautiful women."
"Next I would like 2,000 acres of prime farmland." God
says, "Sam will receive 4,000 acres of prime farm land."
Travis thinks hard and then says, "And last of all God I want you
to bite off my left nut. We got them again Lord didn't we!"
Back to the Top
Japanese
Woman Having an Affair With a Jew
Two Japanese
businessmen are talking during their afternoon dip in the hot baths at
the Geisha house. The first businessman says, "Hirokosan, I have
unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonoring you. I saw her the other
night and she was out with another man."
Hirokosan can't believe what he hears, and asks for more information.
"It is as I said, Hirokosan, and she is doing it with a foreigner
who appears to be of the Jewish faith."
Shocked, Hirokosan goes home to confront his wife. He faces her and says,
"I am told that you are dishonoring me with a foreigner of the Jewish
faith". She replies, "That's a lie! Where did you hear such
mishugunah?!"
Back
to the Top
A Russian, a Cuban, a Hawaiian, and a Japanese
A Russian,
a Cuban, a Hawaiian, and a Japanese were stranded on a raft after
their ship went down. The Russian pulled out a vodka bottle and
took a sip and threw it over the side. The Hawaiian asked him why
he did that. The Russian said, "In my country, we have plenty
of vodka."
The Cuban took out a cigar, lit it, took a puff, and threw it over the
side. The Hawaiian asked him why he did that. The Cuban said,
"In my country, we have a many fine cigars."
So the Hawaiian picked up the Japanese and threw him over the side, saying,
"Our islands are full of them!"
Back
to the Top
Barbara
Walters Interviewing an Indian Chief
Barbara
Walters was out West on an Indian reservation with her camera crew.
She was interviewing the Chief and asked him about the customary Indian
head dress.
"That brave over there, Chief, he only has one feather. What does
that mean?"
The Chief replied, "Him just little brave, only had one squaw, only
one feather."
"Oh, I see," she said. "Does that mean that the brave
over there with three feathers has three squaws."
"That right," said the chief. "Him have three squaw."
"But you Chief, I count 185 feathers in your head dress. Do you have
185 squaws?"
The Chief looked at her, pounded his chest proudly and proclaimed, "That
right, me Chief, me fuck 'em all!"
Barbara said, "That's awful! You ought to be hung."
"God-damn right hung, hung like Buffalo; you want see?" he asked,
as he pulled out his huge piece of manhood for her to admire.
She gazed down and yelled, "Oh, dear!"
At that, the Chief said, "No, no fuck deer; asshole too high, run
too fast!"
Back
to the Top
Blowing Smoke Rings
A guy traveling
through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a
bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.
As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.
After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American
Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that and
I'll smash your face in!"
Back
to the Top
An Ethnic Weapon is Invented
One day, a scientist at a lab in San Diego invented a weapon that could
effectively destroy large numbers of any ethnicity in a short amount of
time. He decided to show this little device to one of his friends
who happened to be a lieutenant in the military.
The scientist lines up 150 blacks and zaps them with the gun and instantly
they all disappear, with only their shoes left.
Well, the lieutenant, thinking this was a great invention, shows it to
his bases' General. The General wanted to see it work, so the lieutenant
lined up 150 blacks, and zap, they're all gone, except for their shoes.
He too, is impressed by this, and takes it to the Secretary of Defense.
Again, they line up 150 blacks, and zap, they're all gone! "Well
we must show this to the President," says the Secretary of Defense,
so they take it to the President and prepare the gun for use.
As usual, the scientist tells them to line up 150 blacks, but to put in
a Mexican at the end. His friend, the lieutenant, asked, "Why
the Mexican at the end of the line? There never was one before?"
The scientist replied, "Well, I found I have to grease the gun every
few hundred people or so!"
Back to the Top
Bostonian Humor
Boston Translator
Pete Sir ==========> Most say pizza
Otch ==============> A tourist attraction in St. Louis
Cotton ============> You buy milk in it (carton)
Seen Ya ===========> Last year of school
Holly =============> An excellent motorcycle
Budded Con ========> Corn on the cob with butter
Bonnie ============> A purple dinosaur you probably detest
Ah ================> Letter between q and s
He Has A Cap On ===> He has a fish on his head
Lodge =============> Opposite of small (large)
Bulkie ============> Sandwich bun
Bah Rum ===========> Bar room
Wicked Boah =======> A not-so-interesting person
Southie ===========> Someone from South Boston
Ba Ba =============> He cuts your hair
Bub Bluh ==========> Water fountain to most
Awed ==============> Opposite of even
Ann Tenor =========> Transmits radio waves to your car
Khakis ============> Start your car with them
Pita is a Cheetah => Peter cheated on this test
Spa ===============> Ma and Pa convenience store
Seltz =============> Our basketball team
Directional =======> Car's blinkers
The Hub ===========> The world revolves around here
Had ===============> Opposite of soft
Tea Potty =========> Precursor to American Revolution
Clabbids ==========> Wood boards that cover many houses here
Lemon Stir ========> Leominster, Mass
Low Gin ===========> Logan Airport
Match =============> Month between Feb and April
Foddy Doll Us =====> $39.99 plus one cent
How Ah Ya? ========> Boston Greeting
Have Id ===========> Our famous University
Hoodsie ===========> Small cup of ice cream
Wicked Spooney ====> Something very cool
Pots ==============> Pieces to your kids toys
Packy =============> Buy liquor or 6 pack there
Boy Gawd ==========> By God
Frappe ============> Milkshake to most
Had Licka =========> Gets you drunk fast
Spooky ============> Italian sub sandwich (from spucadella)
You might
be from Boston if...
...you think of Philadelphia as the Midwest.
...you think it's your God-given right to cut someone off in traffic.
...you think there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R's).
...you think three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heat wave.
...all your pets are named after Celtics or Bruins.
...you refer to 6 inches of snow as a "dusting."
...just hearing the words "New York" puts you in an angry mood.
...you don't think you have an attitude.
...you always 'bang a left' as soon as the light turns green, and oncoming
traffic always expects it.
...everything in town is "a five minute walk."
...when out of town, you think the natives of the area are all whacked.
...you still can't bear to watch highlights from game 6 of the 1986 World
Series.
..you have no idea what the word compromise means.
...you believe using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.
...you don't realize that you walk and talk twice as fast as everyone
else.
...you're anal, neurotic, pessimistic & stubborn.
...you think if someone is nice to you, they must want something, or are
from out of town.
...your favorite adjective is "wicked."
...you think 63 degree ocean water is warm.
...you think the Kennedy's are misunderstood!
If you're
from Boston...
...you'll know who the cahdnal is, how to take the T to JP, and what the
blinking red light atop the old Hancock Building means in the summer (in
winter it means snow is due).
...if you're smaht, you'll never get cahded at the packie (liquor, or
package store).
...you only eat Italian sausage outside Fenway Pahk before a Sox game
with mustid, peppahs-n-onions.
Back
to the Top
German Jokes
Q:
How can you utilize a dead German effectively?
A: Dig a hole one foot deep, bend him over with his feet and head in the
hole. Fill the hole with concrete and leave it to set. You then
have a functional bicycle stand.
Q:
Why are so many Germans born by C-section?
A: Ever try to get a square head through a round hole?
Q: Heard
about the new German-Chinese restaurant?
A: The food is great, but an hour later, you're hungry for power.
A
Dutchman ran over a German pedestrian in Holland, took out a spade from
the trunk of his auto, and started to bury him at the roadside.
A police patrol stopped to ask him what he was doing. "Why,
I am burying this kraut," replied the Dutchman.
"Is he dead then?" asked the policeman.
"When I asked him, he said no, but I am burying the bugger anyway.
You know what damned liars the Germans are!"
A
German calls his Dutch friend. "Hey Henk, I would like to come over
for the weekend. Is it OK if I bring some friends?"
"Sure
Heinz, but not as many as in May 1940 please".
Three guys
are debating about which of their languages is the most pleasing to the
ear.
The Spaniard
says, "Consider the word for 'butterfly'. In Spanish, it is pronounced
'Mariposa', a beautiful sounding word."
The French
guy says, "True, but Papillion (the French word for butterfly), is
even more beautiful".
"What's
wrong with Schmetterlink", asks the German?
Back to the Top
British
Humor
Q: Why do
all the trees in Scotland lean south?
A: Because England sucks!
Q: What is the worst thing about England?
A: Its above sea level.
Q: Do you
know why British woman are such good swimmers?
A: The Scandinavians threw all their ugly women into the sea.
A "pome' is trying to get to back home to England, but finds he is
$5 short of the fare needed. He approaches an 'old cobber' and says "G'day
mate. I am trying to get back home to England. Could you spare $5 to help
me out?"
Without hesitating, the cobber replies, "Happy to do that mate. In
fact here is $20...take 3 more of your pome bastard mates with you!!"
In the days when the British Empire was at its height, someone wrote on
the wall of a lavatory:
"The sun never sets on the British Empire":
Somebody added, "because God doesn't trust the British in the dark!"
TOP 10 REASONS
FOR BEING ENGLISH
1. Two World
Wars and One World Cup.
2. Warm beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh.
George
and the Dragon
A poor vagabond,
traveling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside
Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.
The Innkeeper's
wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?"
he asked.
The woman
glanced at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition. "No!"
she said rather sternly.
"Could
I have a pint of ale?"
"No!"
she said again.
"Could
I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!"
by this time she was fairly shouting.
The vagabond
said, "Might I please...?"
"What
now?" the woman interrupted impatiently.
"D'ye
suppose," he asked, "I might have a word with George?"
'Ello,
'ello, 'ello!
This a joke
that British Actor Michael Caine told Tonight Show host Johnny Carson.
It must be told with a British accent.
A man comes
home early from work one day and finds his wife in bed with three of his
best friends.
He looks
at them and says, "Wats this! 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello!"
His wife
looks up at him and says, "Well aren't ya gonna say 'ello to me?"
Back
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An
Insect Falls Into a Cup of Coffee
If
an insect falls into your cup of coffee--what would you do?
Here is one analysis:
1.The Englishman: Throws the cup away and walks out of the cafe
2.The American: Takes the insect out and drinks the coffee
3.The Chinese: Eats the insect and throws the coffee away
4.The Besieged Palestinian: Drinks the coffee and the insect
5.The Israeli:
* Sells the coffee to the American and the insect to the Chinese
* Screams that his security is in peril
* Accuses the Palestinians of throwing the insect in his coffee
* Alleges that Hizbullah, the Syrians and the Iranians advocate attacks
with weapons of mass insects
* Relates this vicious attack to Palestinian Terrorism, Attacks on Human
Rights, Anti-Semitism, the Holocaust, the Diaspora, the Exodus, Discrimination
against Noah's Ark
* Commands Arafat to immediately stop insects from flying in the air or
landing in coffee cups
* Re-occupies the West Bank and Gaza, razes houses, cuts off water and
electricity, humiliates and terrorizes civilians, kills or maims anyone
in his way.
* Imposes more military aid on the American
* Demands a 100-year, interest free, 50 billion-dollar, loan from America
to buy another cup of coffee
*Claims life-time free coffee from the cafe as compensation
Back to the Top
An
Insect Falls Into a Mug of Beer
Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out
American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer
Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away
Indian : Sells the beer to the American and insect
to the Chinese and gets a new mug of beer.
Pakistani : Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer,
relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for Military aid, takes
a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer.
Back to the Top
A
White Man, A Black and a Mexican and a Genie
There's
a black man, a Mexican man, and a white man walking along a beach when
they find a lamp. They rub the lamp and a genie comes out. He says,
"I'll grant each one of you a wish."
The black man says, "I wish that all my black brothers could be sent
back to Africa to live a happy life." The genie blinks and 'poof',
and all the black people are sent back to Africa.
The Mexican man says, "I wish that all my Mexican brothers could
be sent back to Mexico to live a happy life." The genie, once again,
blinks and 'poof', all the Mexican people are sent back to Mexico.
Then the genie turns to the white man and asks, "What do you wish
for?"
The white man smiles and says, "You mean to tell me that all the
blacks and Mexicans are out of the country?"
The genie replies, "Yes."
"Shit", says the white man, "I'll just have a Coke!"
Back to
the Top
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth
The Pope
and Queen Elizabeth are standing on a balcony in St Peter's Square, and
they're beaming at the thousands of people in the courtyard below. The
Queen says to the Pope (out of the side of her mouth of course): "Your
Holiness, I bet you fifty pounds sterling that I can make every English
person in the crowd below go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope
replies: "No way! You can't do that."
The Queen
says: "Just watch this, John Paul!" So she waves her hand and
every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic
Union Jacks on sticks and cheering like mad feckers.
The Pope,
standing in wonder, thinks to himself: "Oh no, what am I going to
do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." He thinks a few more
minutes, then turns to her and says: "OK, I bet you I can make every
Irish person in the crowd go wild. Not just now, but for the rest of the
week, with just one nod of my head." The Queen replies: "No
jolly way, it can't be done."
At that,
the Pope turns to look at the Queen, gives her a headbutt, which causes
the Irish in the crowd to cheer madly."I told you I could, you royal
pain in the ass!"
Back
to the Top
A
Jew and a Ukranian Stretching a Dime
A Ukrainian
and a Jew were discussing how far each could make a dime reach, and agreed
to try it and meet a few days later to see who'd get the most out of a
dime.
The Jew bought
a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked
one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the
third day and again saved the ashes, and on the fourth day he gave the
ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses.
He told the
Ukrainian, "I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime."
The Ukrainian
said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and
the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other one-half.
The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took
a shit in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back
to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed with me and
gave me my dime back!"
Back
to the Top
Lucky
Louie Has a Date With a Hindu Girl
Louie walks
into work one Monday morning with a huge grin on his face. One of his
co-workers says, "Why are you so happy?" Louie says, "I
played Bingo for the first time in my life this weekend and I won a thousand
bucks!"
A week later,
Louie walks into work on Monday morning and he's skipping down the hall,
high-fiving everyone. One of his co-workers says, "You win at Bingo
again?" Louie says, "No, no, it's better than that. I bought
my first lottery ticket this weekend and I won five grand. I'm feeling
so damn lucky that I think I'm going to ask that new Hindu girl in accounting
out on a date!"
The next
Monday morning, Louie is doing cartwheels down the hall. One of his co-workers
says, "Did you win another lottery?" Louie says, "No, no,
it's better than that. You know that Hindu girl in accounting I asked
out? Well, we had a great time at dinner, so I invited her up to my apartment
for drinks, we wind up in bed, and the next thing I know she's giving
me the best blow job I ever had!"
The co-worker
says, "Man, are you frigging lucky!" Louie says, "No, no,
it's better than that. She's blowing me, I look down, and you know that
red dot on her forehead? I scratched it... and I won another ten grand!"
Back
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Iraqi
Humor
Q: What do
Iraqi women call goats?
A: Competition.
Q: What's
the difference between American pilots and Iraqi pilots?
A: American pilots break ground and fly into the wind.
A Jew had
the misfortune of finding himself seated between two Iraqis on an airplane.
The Iraqis
kept making insult after insult against the Jew. The Jew, determined to
survive the situation with minimal discomfort, kicked off his shoes and
concentrated on ignoring the Iraqis.
Suddenly,
one of the Iraqis poked the Jew in the ribs, saying, "Hey...you stinking
Jew...make yourself useful and go get us a couple of cans of Coke from
the back."
The Jew,
in order to avoid an unpleasant confrontation, sighed and did as he was
told.
While he
was gone, the Iraqis each squatted down between the seats and took a quick
dump in each of the Jew's shoes.
Upon returning
with the Cokes, the Jew noticed the shit in his shoes, but said nothing.
The Iraqis
chugged their Cokes down, and again, one of them jabbed the Jew in the
ribs and said, "Hey...you stupid Jew ...what do you have to say about
the situation in the Middle East?" To which the Jew replied, "Well,
it's pretty bad. The Iraqis keep crapping in our shoes, and we keep pissing
in their Cokes!"
Back
to the Top
On
the Topic of Telling Jokes
It is said
that when you tell an Englishman a joke, he will laugh three times. First
- when you tell it, to be polite. Second - when you explain it, to be
polite. And third - in the middle of the night when he wakes up and finally
gets it.
When you
tell a German the same joke, he will laugh twice. First - when you tell
it, to be polite. And second - when you explain it, to be polite. He won't
laugh a third time because he will never get it.
When you
tell an American the same joke he won't laugh at all. Instead he will
say, "It's an old joke and besides, you tell it all wrong!"
Back to
the Top
Hodgee
Goes to the Doctor
Hodgee comes
to the United States from India. He's only here a few months when he becomes
very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him.
Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor.
The doctor
says, "Take dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket,
piss on de shit, and then put your head down over de bucket and breathe
in de fumes for ten minutes."
Hodgee takes
the bucket, goes into the other room, shits in the bucket, pisses on the
shit, bends over, and breathes in the fumes for ten minutes.
Then he comes
back to the doctor and says, "It worked! I feel terrific. What was
it?"
The doctor
says, "You were homesick."
Back to
the Top
An
American Insulting a Brit
On a train
from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman
sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too
stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... I have Italian
blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What
do you say to that?"
The Englishman
replied, with a smile, "Very sporting of your Mother"
Back to
the Top
Hiding
a Jew in WWII
Last summer,
a man in Amsterdam went to his priest and confessed, "Forgive me
Father, for I have sinned. During the second World War, I hid a wealthy
Jewish refugee in my attic to save him from the Nazis." The priest,
a bit perplexed, replied, "Well, son, that was quite a courageous
and generous thing to do. Why do you think it was a sin? God will bless
you for your kindness."
"But,
father, I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't something to be proud of, but you did it for
a good cause." Replied the father.
"Oh,
thank you, Father, that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What
is that, my son?"
"Do I have
to tell him the war is over?"
Back to
the Top
The
Forehead Dot Explained
For centuries,
Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads. We have naively thought
it had something to do with their religion.
The Indian
Embassy in Washington has just revealed the true story.
When one
of these women gets married, on her wedding night, the husband scratches
off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station,
or a motel in Florida.
Back to
the Top
An
American Tourist Taking a Leak
An American
tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak something terrible.
After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve
himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business.
Just as he
was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. "Look here, old
chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.
"I'm
sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta take a leak."
"You
can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."
The police
officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers,
and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz
away."
The American
tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers.
"Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer,
he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"
"No,"
retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."
Back to
the Top
Chinese
Newlyweds
A Chinese
couple gets married and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too
experienced either.
On the wedding
night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:
"My
darring" he says, "I know dis is you firs time and you verry
frighten. I promise, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - jus anyting
you want, you say. Whatchou want?"
A thoughtful
silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want numba 69."
More thoughtful
silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries...
"You
want... Beef wif Broccori?"
Back to
the Top
Black
vs. White
10
Indisputable Truths Black People Know, but White People Won't Admit:
1. Elvis
is dead.
2. Having
your children curse you out in public is not normal.
3. Jesus
was not White.
4. Skinny
does not equal sexy.
5. A 5 year-old
child is too big for a stroller.
6. N'Sync
will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
7. Thomas
Jefferson had Black children.
8. An occasional
ass whooping helps a child stay in line.
9. Kissing
your pet is NOT cute.
10. Rap music
is here to stay.
10
Indisputable Truths White People Know, but Black People Won't Admit:
1. Tupac
is dead
2. Crown
Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
3. Having
a ring on every finger is too much.
4. O.J. did
it!
5. Teeth
should not be decorated.
6. Breaks
are usually only 15 minutes.
7. Jesse
Jackson will never be President (or Al Sharpton for that matter)
8. RED is
not a Kool-Aid flavor (it's a color).
9. Your rims
and sound system should not be worth more than your car.
10. Your
Pastor doesn't know everything.
Back to
the Top
On
the Golf Course
A lady golfer
visits a driving range to tone up before a game. She is about to drive
her first ball off the mat when she notices the man next to her.
"Pardon
me, sir" she said. "You are aiming in the wrong direction -
back towards the golf shop. You need to hit over there."
"Oy!
- tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know. I'm a bit confused by dis
game."
He then turned
around and started hitting out into the range. After a few minutes, he
asked the lady how he was doing.
"Not
bad." she answered. "Most of your shots are long. But you might
want to turn your hand over to correct that slice you seem to have."
"Tanks,
again, Miss." he replied. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know
dese tings."
A few shots
later, he inquired again. "Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?"
"Not
at all," she replied.
"I don't
do vell vit the ladies. Am I ugly or fett or vat?"
"You're
quite presentable," she replied. "I don't think that is your
problem.
Smiling now,
he said, "Vat a relief. I vas always afraid to ask. Again, I got
to tank you."
He was about
to hit another ball when the girl interrupted, "Do you mind if I
give you a bit of advice?"
"Vit
gladness, tank gott. All the help you got I vill take." he answered.
"Get
rid of the Yiddish accent," she replied. "You're Chinese."
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