Various School Excuses 8/11/2002
"I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead."
Norway - A Norwegian arrested for driving with a bellyful of booze claims
only his teeth were full of liquor. The 44-year-old man failed a breathalyzer
test when he was stopped by police, the Oslo newspaper Aftenposten reported
Friday. He claimed the test result was too high because of vodka trapped
in cavities in his bad teeth.
In these samples, names were replaced with either Fred or Mary to protect innocent and guilty alike.
And on a Similar Note...
Actual Letters to Landlords...
13) Actually, I've been here for over 20 minutes, big guy - I was just out chillin' in the van waiting for the end of the live version of 'Freebird'.
12) I keep forgetting which side of the International Date Line you're on.
11) We're *open* on Tuesdays?!?
10) It took this long to get the ol' blood alcohol level down to the legal driving limit.
9) I had to take extra time this morning to wrestle with overwhelming aggressive impulses by reassuring myself that nothing would happen today that would push me over the edge.
8) My proctologist got stuck.
7) It was Senator Kennedy's turn to drive today, so I've spent the last hour swimming.
6) I'm late because I was on the phone trying to get *your* lousy shipping department to send the company's office supplies directly to the winner of my eBay auction.
5) Hey, time becomes meaningless when you're as strung out as I am.
4) Sorry, sir. I overslept and dreamt I had a dead-end job, a windowless office and a humorless baboon for a boss.
3) Heidi Klum refused to untie me.
2) On the second Tuesday of the month, the Campho-Phenique man comes by to fill the drum for my home supply of industrial-strength anti-canker sore gel.
1) I'm sorry, boss,
but I had to stop to get you -- uh -- this box of ten donuts.
Suffolk County police say Arthur Dalke, 34, of Long Island, N.Y., nearly backed his car into a police cruiser -- which wouldn't have been so bad if the man hadn't had seven drunken driving convictions under his belt. Officer Anthony Dieguez told the New York Post Dalke was driving slowly in reverse while chatting with a pedestrian, paying no attention to oncoming traffic -- or the officer's squad car. When Dieguez tried to apprehend Dalke, he sped away, allegedly pulled into a parking lot, slid into the passenger seat, tossed his car keys out the window and denied ever driving the vehicle.
You Can't Use Aliens as an Excuse
France - In emergency situations, it is acceptable for motorists to speed.
For instance, if a man's wife is in labor, his breaking of the traffic
laws may be deemed excusable by authorities. But when a Frenchman raced
through a motorway road block and in turn triggered a high-speed police
chase, his excuse didn't have authorities convinced. He told them he was
fleeing from aliens. Although a breathalyzer test for alcohol proved negative,
police are still awaiting the results of drug tests and a psychiatric
[These are actual excuses that people have given to police officers to attempt getting out of a ticket.]
One night while on patrol, Sergeant Dave Hoffman of Naperville, IL saw a car sail through a red light without even slowing down. When he pulled the car over and asked the girl why she hadn't stopped, she told him she had just had her brakes repaired and it was so expensive that she didn't want to wear them down. She was given the ticket.
John Ferguson of North College Hill P.D. in Ohio, stopped a car for speeding and asked the young lady why she wasn't wearing her seatbelt. She told him she was an exotic dancer and the seatbelt pinched her nipple rings and hurt. She offered to show Ferguson in case he didn't believe her. She was found guilty by a judge in court and he told her he didn't need to see the evidence.
Although this didn't happen to him, officer Roope Letho of Espoo, Finland, relayed this excuse an older officer had once received: "I can't help it, constable. Someone has hypnotized me to park illegally!"
Gary Lenon of Mecosta County Sheriff Department pulled a car over for
going 80 MPH in a 55 MPH zone, the driver explained that a bee had been
flying around his head, so he sped up in hopes that the bee couldn't fly
that fast and would be unable to fly out of the back seat area to get
"I forgot what day it was. I thought it was the weekend."
"My wife and son took both cars, and when I went outside, there was nothing in the driveway."
"I am stuck in the blood-pressure machine down at the WalMart."
"I'm sorry I didn't make it! My car broke down; I ran out of gas; my mother died; I had to go to the doctor; there was an earthquake. It wasn't my fault!"
"My wife makes more money than I do, so I have to stay at home with our sick son."
"My roommate locked me in the bathroom."
"I hit a mountain lion on the way to work."
"The jury I was on was sequestered, and we weren't allowed to leave or contact the outside world."
"The dog was asleep behind the car, so I couldn't back out of the driveway."
I thought I had already put in my 2 weeks' notice."