Jean-Paul Sartre's Cooking Diary October 3 Spoke with Camus today about my cookbook. Though he has never actually eaten, he gave me much encouragement. I rushed home immediately to begin work. How excited I am! I have begun my formula for a Denver omelet. October 4 Still working on the omelet. There have been stumbling blocks. I keep creating omelets one after another, like soldiers marching into the sea, but each one seems empty, hollow, like stone. I want to create an omelet that expresses the meaninglessness of existence, and instead they taste like cheese. I look at them on the plate, but they do not look back. Tried eating them with the lights off. It did not help. Malraux suggested paprika. October 6 I have realized that the traditional omelet form (eggs and cheese) is bourgeois. Today I tried making one out of cigarette, some coffee, and four tiny stones. I fed it to Malraux, who puked. I am encouraged, but my journey is still long. October 10 I find myself trying ever more radical interpretations of traditional dishes, in an effort to somehow express the void I feel so acutely. Today I tried this recipe:
Tuna CasseroleIngredients: 1 large casserole dish Place the casserole dish in a cold oven. Place a chair facing the oven and sit in it forever. Think about how hungry you are. When night falls, do not turn on the light. While a void is expressed in this recipe, I am struck by its inapplicability to the bourgeois lifestyle. How can the eater recognize that the food denied him is a tuna casserole and not some other dish? I am becoming more and more frustrated. October 25. I have been forced to abandon the project of producing an entire cookbook. Rather, I now seek a single recipe which will, by itself, embody the plight of man in a world ruled by an unfeeling God, as well as providing the eater with at least one ingredient from each of the four basic food groups. To this end, I purchased six hundred pounds of foodstuffs from the corner grocery and locked myself in the kitchen, refusing to admit anyone. After several weeks of work, I produced a recipe calling for two eggs, half a cup of flour, four tons of beef, and a leek. While this is a start, I am afraid I still have much work ahead. November 15. Today I made a Black Forest cake out of five pounds of cherries and a live beaver, challenging the very definition of the word cake. I was very pleased. Malraux said he admired it greatly, but could not stay for dessert. Still, I feel that this may be my most profound achievement yet, and have resolved to enter it in the Betty Crocker Bake-Off. November 30. Today was the day of the Bake-Off. Alas, things did not go as I had hoped. During the judging, the beaver became agitated and bit Betty Crocker on the wrist. The beaver's powerful jaws are capable of felling blue spruce in less than ten minutes and proved, needless to say, more than a match for the tender limbs of America's favorite homemaker. I only got third place. Moreover, I am now the \subject of a rather nasty lawsuit. December
1. I have been gaining twenty-five pounds a week for two months, and I
am now experiencing light tides. It is stupid to be so fat. My pain and
ultimate solitude are still as authentic as they were when I was thin,
but seem to impress girls far less. From now on, I will live on cigarettes
and black coffee. From Cameron, the famous(?) internet writer... Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity
in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off -- because no one else
wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the
other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted
this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet
writer and therefore known and adored by all. Here are the scorecards
from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Monster Mobster Chili
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JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people
are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
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JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno
tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved
my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks
like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so
irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under
her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a
face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with
her.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
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JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a
uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my
way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded
me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably
behind her back they call her "Forklift."
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
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JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to
taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so
I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at
me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled--it's kinda cute.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
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JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me
that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
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JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
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JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers
at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and
I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes
are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth
at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed
me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our
children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it
in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people
and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
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JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
CAMERON: Momma?
A customer walked into a restaurant and saw a sign on the wall that said, "$500 if we fail to fill your order." When a waitress came to his table he ordered elephant ears on rye. She went into the kitchen and a few minutes later the angry restaurant owner came out, laid five $100 bills on the customer's table and said, "You got me this
time, buddy, but that's the first time we've ever been out of rye bread!" A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into is shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after user the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time." "Wait and minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?" "Well,
I don't know about the other guys, but I use a spoon." The Trucker and the New Waiter A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights." Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!" The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up." The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker. He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!" The young
man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your
parts you might as well gas up!" A man decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. Everyone scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic. "This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.' "And
sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block,
there it was!" A woman goes into an ice cream parlor. She walks up to the man at the counter and says, "I'd like some chocolate ice cream, please." "I'm sorry, madam," says the man, "but I'm afraid we're out of chocolate." "Oh," says the woman. "In that case I'll have some chocolate." So the man says, "No, no, madam. You don't understand. We have run out of chocolate." "Oh," replies the woman. "Then I'll just have chocolate." The man behind the counter looks at the lady and says, "OK, spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla.'" So, the woman spells "V-A-N." "All right," says the ice cream man, "spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.'" The woman says, "OK. S-T-R-A-W." "Good!" says the man. "Now spell 'fuck,' as in 'chocolate.'" The woman looks at the man and says, "But there's no 'fuck' in 'chocolate.'" The man shouts,
"That's what I've been trying to tell you, you dumb bitch!" You know You're Drinking too much Coffee When... You
ski uphill. There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven. The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...7... 8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed. The
first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why
did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied,
"I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doin' just great when all
of a sudden that third guy showed up with all those watermelons!" A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted. "What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively. "Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied. "Baked tongue of chicken?...baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed. Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?" "Just bring me
some scrambled eggs," the man replied. Latest Japanese Culinary Treat TOKYO, Japan - There
is a new culinary treat sweeping Japan. Believe it or not the new delicacy
being eaten by the barrel are the eyeballs of tuna fish. Now this sounds
disgusting to over 5 billion other people but the Japanese contend that
once you have eaten the eye of tuna, you will never want to eat fish eggs
again. Baking a Ham the way Grandma Did A young couple got married, and when the wife prepared to bake a ham to celebrate their first Thanksgiving, she carefully cut off each end before placing it in the pan. Her husband asked her why she did that and she replied, "I don't know--it's what my mother always did. But I can ask her." She called Mom, who responded, "I always saw your Grandma do it, so I did the same." They decided to check
further, so the young woman called Grandma, who explained, "It was
the only way I could get it to fit into my pan." Horace's Fourth Trip to the Buffet Horace grabbed his plate and walked up to the buffet for the 4th time. "Aren't you embarrassed to go for so many helpings?" asked his wife. "Not a bit,"
Horace replied, "I keep telling them it's for you." One day during cooking class, our teacher, Mrs. Pritchard, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons." As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Pritchard about my theory. "Why wooden spoons?" I asked. "Because,"
she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons
banging against metal pots, I'll go nuts!" An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza. Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The man takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the Heck did you put on this pizza?" The delivery man bows
deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only." EGGS: DAIRY PRODUCTS: EXPIRATION DATES: MEAT: BREAD: FLOUR: SALT: CANNED GOODS: CARROTS: RAISINS: CHIP DIP: GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: The Secret to Mrs. O'Malley's Soup Mrs. O'Malley arrives
in Boston from Ireland, and in no time at all her bean soup has made her
the talk of New England society. What's the difference between Chinese food and Italian food? With Chinese food, an hour later you're hungry again. With Italian food, an hour later you're still eating. "He hath but looketh on a plate of ham and eggs to lust after it, he hath already committed breakfast with it in his heart." - C.S. Lewis "This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them." - Gracie Allen "Never eat more than you can lift." - Miss Piggy "I
will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not
You'll
Go Nuts Over This Dish
MARLINGTON,
West Virginia - Now here is one for the Daily Recipe; Squirrel Scrotum
Stew. This was one of the entries in the annual wild game cook-off in
Marlington, West Virginia. Cook Jane DeGroot, whose great aunt's attempt
to reduce the squirrel population by castrating them inspired the dish,
explained its nutritional value. She said: "Squirrel scrotum has
a lot of protein and it's low in fat." West Virginia passed a law
three years ago allowing motorists to keep anything they killed on the
state's roads. A
Bad Potato
I went
out to this restaurant not long ago and met the waitress of my dreams. The
Novice Chili Taster
These
are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from New Jersey & fell into it: An
S-Shaped Cake
A man
walked into a bakery and said, "I want a birthday cake baked for
me in the shape of the letter S." The
Reluctant Wine Taster A
hamburger walked into a bar, climbed up onto a bar stool, looked at the
bartender and ordered a tall cold beer. He Keeps Getting Hamburgers With Hairs In Them Once
there was a man in a restaurant. He ordered a hamburger and got it 5 minutes
later. He was fixing to eat it when he noticed a hair in it. He took it
to the counter and demanded another, so they got him a new one. Spam
stands for Shoulder, Pork and hAM. Rosie and Nina Start a New Diet Rosie
and Nina were best of friends and tried to do everything together. Rosie
announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had
put on recently. Eyeing
the Pastries...
This diet is designed to help you cope with stress which normally builds
up during the day. The
following was sent in an apparent attempt to help my wife judge when to
pull the chicken out of the oven.
Give the Rotten Eggs to The Drunk A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef. "Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?" Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left." The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know the difference." Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment. He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?" She replies, "We have our own chicken farm." The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster? "No," she says. The drunk
replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is screwing
your chickens" A guest ordering his dinner at a fashionable hotel. "Noodle soup, veal cutlet with tomato sauce and a cream puff." The waiter
walked back to the kitchen. "Gimmie a bowl of submarines, camouflage
the calf and a custard grenade." Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 1st customer: "I'll have tea." 2nd customer: "Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean!" (Waiter exits, returns) Waiter: "Two teas. Which one had the clean glass?" At the exclusive restaurant where I work, a party of diners was exhausting the waiter with relentless demands. Through it all, he remained professional. Finally, one of the patrons asked the waiter to take the group's picture. He did -- from the neck down. A diner at a country inn is shocked to see on the menu a dish of "hickory-smoked possum jowls in syrup." He summons a waiter to complain. The waiter
looks at the menu. Then he flings it down and yells to the owner in the
kitchen, "Hey, the printers forgot to translate the menu into French
again!" A man went to a French restaurant. The menu was in French and he spoke no French. When the waiter asked his choice, he told the waiter to bring out the restaurant's specialty. The man had a truly fantastic meal. The waiter asked if the man wanted dessert. He responded that the waiter should bring out the restaurant's specialty. The waiter said that was the peach poosay, and he would order it for him. A waitress came out with a covered silver platter. She took the cover off and there was a peach that had been quartered and pitted. The waitress proceeded to raise her skirt and take a piece of the peach and push it in and out of her vagina. She picked up the rest of the pieces and did the same. The man called the waiter over an asked, "Am I actually expected to eat the peach after that?" The waiter
responded, "Why, no, Monsieur. You eat the poosay." A couple was waiting for their food at a Chinese restaurant when an elderly waiter set chopsticks at their places. The woman made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils." The old waiter
inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely.
"Ivory." A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted. "What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively. "Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied. "Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed. Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?" "Just
bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied. We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs." "Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're orderinga la carte," the waitress warned her. "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special." "How do you want your eggs?" "Raw
and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home. A refined New Russian comes to a small food shop and sees a new delivery of fresh fruit. "Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece of paper, please," he says to the saleswoman. She does. "And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every berry in a separate piece of paper, too." She does. "And
what is that there," he asks pointing out a bushel in the corner.
"Raisins," says the saleswoman, "But they are not for sale!" A old man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves three pennies for a tip. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves." The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?" "Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough." "And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, he says, "That's true, too." "And
the third penny tells me that your father was also a bachelor."
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