French
Jokes
"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these
drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? A tourist from France
goes on his first overseas trip. Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled
filling his visa application. "In France, they're
having trouble translating a lot of Internet terms into French. In France
the law is you have to use French words. For example, there are no French
words for surfing the Web, there aren't any French words for chat session,
and there aren't any French words for hacker. Of course, a lot of other
words don't translate to French either: military victory, deodorant..."
--Jay Leno Q: Did you hear about
the Frenchman who died from drinking milk? Q: Why do Frenchmen
always wear yellow ties? Q: Did you hear
about the French businessman who went broke? Q: Why is Air France
Concorde such good value for money? Q:
What
do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? Q: Why do
French men have moustaches? Q: Do you know what
the difference between a Frenchman is and a chimpanzee? Q: Why don't
cheeseburgers sell well in France Q: What's
the difference between Iraq and France? Q: What would
it take to give Mad Cow Disease a good name? Q: Did you
know there is an orthodoxed maneuver in chess called the La Francias maneuver?
Q. How can
you identify a French Infantryman? Q: Where
can you find 60,100,000 French jokes? Q: Why do
zee French have zee onion and zee Arabs has zee oil? Q: Why wouldn't
the Statue of Liberty work in France? "Going
to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
Here's a
computer tip for you: "We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." -Marge Simpson
"A lot of folks
are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a
threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking,
the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris
with the German flag." The subject turns to language, and the American says, "Guys, I do have one question left. I keep hearing this expression, 'sang froid'. What does it mean? I know that it literally means, 'cold blood', but what does it *mean*?" The first Frenchman replies, "Ah, zat is easy. Say that a man walks into his bedroom, only to find his wife in bed with his best friend. If he can turn around and walk out without them knowing he was evair zere, *zat* is sang froid!" The second Frenchman interjected, "You have eet all wrong! If, in zis circumstance, zee gentleman can calmly stand zere, and say, 'Please don't mind me; continue', zen *zat* is sang froid!" "Non,
non, non!" burst out the third. "If ze gentleman bursts een
on his wife and his best friend, stands there saying, 'Please continue',
and his friend *can* continue, *zat* is sang froid!".
During an international gynecology conference, an English doctor and a French doctor were discussing unusual cases they had treated recently. "Only last week" the Frenchman said "a woman came to see me with a clitoris like a melon!" "Don't be absurd" the Brit exclaimed. "It couldn't have been that big -- she wouldn't have been able to walk if it were." "Aah, you English, always thinking about size" replied the Frenchman. "I was talking about the flavor!"
Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, " says the genie. The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming. The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France. The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."
You are the President of the United States of American, when it is announced that an asteroid about the size of France capable of completely destroying the country is headed straight for France. It is calculated that it will strike France at 2:30 in the morning in two days. The United Nations and the French president plead with you to re-deploy planes and ships away from the war on terror and the war in Iraq to help defend the country. You are the president of the greatest and most powerful nation on earth. What do you do? A: You stay up late and watch it live on television. B: You tape it and watch it in the morning.
The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement: "We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY." "The
only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow."
When God created the earth, he created this one place that was especially nice. It had big, nice mountains, nice cities, excellent wine fields, etc. He called it France. So when God
created the rest of the world, everybody was like, "Why the hell
does France get all the nice stuff?"
Donald Rumsfeld was being heckled by a French anti-war weenie when he suddenly turned and asked the Frenchman: "Excuse me. Do you speak German?" The Frenchman replied "No." Rumsfeld looked him in the eyes and said "You're welcome." Anti-US War Sentiment Donald Rumsfeld Quote: "I don't know why
people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq.
After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" "You know why the
French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he
loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." "You know, the French
remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still
trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." "The last time the
French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German
flag." "The only time France
wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping
coffee." "As far as I'm concerned,
war always means failure" "As far as France
is concerned, you're right." "We can stand here
like the French, or we can do something about it." Q: How do
you stop a French tank? Q:
What
did the Mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered during WWII?
"I would rather
have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
Q:
How do you know when the French are guarding your fort? Q:
Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney? Q: Why wouldn't
the Statue of Liberty work in France?
Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France. With the Concorde crash of a few years ago the French killed more Germans than in two World Wars! REPLACEMENTS FOR THE FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM: "Runaway" by
Del Shannon, NewsMax.com
is leading the Boycott France campaign because France has every right to disagree with America. But France has moved from simple dissent to active hostility toward America. French President Chirac warned East European nations that if they side with America, France will oppose their membership in the European Union. This week, William Safire reported in the New York Times that France has been secretly helping to arm Iraq -- and has been helping Iraq build long range missiles. These same missiles may soon be used against American soldiers. Just as France is exercising its right to disagree, Americans can exercise their right to boycott -- and avoid helping companies and countries that do no stand with America. French Products and Companies to Boycott The following companies are subject to boycott: ** Air France. Air Liquide. Airbus. Alcatel. Allegra (allergy medication). Aqualung (including: Spirotechnique, Technisub, US Divers, and SeaQuest). AXA Advisors. ** Bank of the West (owned by BNP Paribas). Beneteau (boats). BF Goodrich (owned by Michelin). BIC (razors, pens and lighters). Biotherm (cosmetics). Black Bush. Bollinger (champagne). ** Car & Driver Magazine. Cartier. Chanel. Chivas Regal (scotch). Christian Dior. Club Med (vacations). Culligan (owned by Vivendi). ** Dannon (yogurt and dairy foods). DKNY. Dom Perignon. Durand Crystal. ** Elle Magazine. Essilor Optical Products. Evian. ** Fina gas stations and Fina Oil (billions invested in Iraqi oil fields). First Hawaiian Bank. ** George Magazine. Givenchy. Glenlivet (scotch). ** Hennessy. Houghton Mifflin (books). ** Jacobs Creek (owned by Pernod Ricard since 1989). Jameson (whiskey). Jerry Springer (talk show) ** Krups (coffee and cappuccino makers). ** Lancome. Le Creuset (cookware). L'Oreal (health and beauty products). Louis Vuitton. ** Marie Claire. Martel Cognac. Maybelline. Méphisto (shoes and clothes). Michelin (tires and auto parts). Mikasa (crystal and glass). Moet (champagne). Motel 6. Motown Records. MP3.com. Mumms (champagne). ** Nissan (cars; majority owned by Renault). Nivea. Normany Butter. ** Parents Magazine. Peugeot (automobiles). Pierre Cardin. Playstation Magazine. ProScan (owned by Thomson Electronics, France). Publicis Group (including Saatchi & Saatchi Advertising). ** RCA (televisions and electronics; owned by Thomson Electronics). Red Magazine. Red Roof Inns (owned by Accor group in France). Renault (automobiles). Road & Track Magazine. Roquefort cheese (all Roquefort cheese is made in France). Rowenta (toasters, irons, coffee makers, etc.). Royal Canadian. ** Salomon (skis). Sierra Software and Computer Games. Smart & Final. Sofitel (hotels, owned by Accor). Sparkletts (water, owned by Danone). Spencer Gifts. Sundance Channel. ** Taylor Made (golf). Technicolor. T-Fal (kitchenware). Total gas stations. ** UbiSoft (computer games). Uniroyal. Universal Studios (music, movies and amusement parks; owned by Vivendi -Universal). USFilter. ** Veritas Group. Veuve Clicquot Champagne. Vittel. Vivendi. ** Wild Turkey (bourbon). Woman's Day Magazine. ** Yoplait (The French company Sodiaal owns a 50 percent stake). Yves Saint Laurent. ** Zodiac Inflatable Boats. P.S.: Thanks to GOP lawmakers, cafeterias in the U.S. House of Representatives will today start offering "freedom fries" instead of you know what. Please e-mail this to as many friends and family as you can. Send a message to France that will not be forgotten! Also, join NewsMax's Boycott France campaign. Check out our national ad campaign and help us inform America. http://www.newsmaxstore.com/a/boycottad A lady bought a new Lexus, and returned the next day, complaining that the radio didn't work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!" The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. She drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she'd say, "Beethoven", she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of theirs. One day, another driver ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved in time to avoid him. "ASSHOLE!"
she yelled..... Breaking
News from Paris, France France announced today that it plans to ban fireworks at Euro Disney, following last night's display that caused soldiers at a nearby French army garrison to surrender. Taking a
page from French history, based on the fact that Napoleon used to wear
a blood red vest into battle so that if wounded, his blood would blend
with his vest and not realizing he was wounded his troops would not lose
spirit, the Modern French Army issued all troops brown pants. The makers of French's Mustard recently released the following statement: "We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common with the French is that we are both yellow!"
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