The Bible contains
6 admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals.
That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that
they need more supervision.
Q: Did you hear about
the new gay sitcom Q: What do you call
a gay midget? Q: What do you call
a homosexual with diarrhea? Q: What does a lesbian
bring with her on the second date? Q: What is a lesbian? Q. What's the definition
of confusion? Q: When a
man and a woman get married, they need a marriage license. What do Lesbians
need? Q. Did you hear about
the new cereal called Queerios? Q: How can you tell
you're at a gay picnic? The Gays & Lesbians
are going to vote Republican this year. Q. What's the difference
between a queer and a refrigerator? Q. What's the most
common pick up line at a gay bar? Q. What do you call
a queer in a wheelchair? Q. What do you call
a gay man's scrotum? Q. What do you call
a lesbian with thick fingers? Q: What do you call
an open can of tuna in a lesbian's apartment? Q: What did the homo
say when he saw his first jock strap? Q. What's the difference
between a lesbian and a Firestone tire? Q: What is the leading
cause of death among lesbians ? Q: Why did Freddy
Mercury have himself buried face down? What do lesbians do
when they are on their period? Q: What did one lesbian
say to the other lesbian? What did one homosexual's
sperm say to the other? Q. What is the first
symptom of AIDS? Q. Why don't the cheerleaders in San Francisco where short skirts? Q: How many lesbians
does it take to change a light bulb? Two gay guys live
together. The first guy said, "Let's play hide and seek. I'll hide,
and if you find me I'll blow you." Q: What do you call
a bull dyke in a china shop? If a fag is missing,
do they put his picture on the back of a box of Preparation H ? If you sleep with
a gay homeless person, does that make you a hobosexual? Q:
How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? Q: How many
lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb? Q: How can you tell
when you're in a tough lesbian bar? It is a proven fact
that 60% of gay men were born that way. Q: What do you call
a fart in the men's room of a gay bar? Q: What does a bungee
jumper and a gay guy have in common? Q: What do you call
a faggot with a runny nose? Two condoms walk past
a gay bar. One says to the other, Q: What are 100 lesbians
with rifles called? Q: Why can't
lesbians go on a diet and wear makeup at the same time? Q: What do
you call a lesbian with fingernails? Q: How many
gays does it take to put in a light bulb? Q: Why do
lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales? Q: What do
you call two lesbians in a canoe? Q: What's
in the air in San Francisco that keeps women from getting pregnant? Q: What's
the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo? How do you
define a bisexual? Elton John
goes to a tattoo parlor and asks to have a car tattooed on his dick. Q: What do
you call it when two butches have sex? What do you
call an Eskimo lesbian? What do you
call 100 lesbians with guns? Why can't
lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? Have you
heard about the new lesbian tennis shoe called "Dyke" (pronounced
DIE-KEY)? Q. How does
an asthmatic lesbian breathe? Q. Where
do you find a gay gardener? While making
love, a lesbian asks her lover, Q: How do
you know if you're gay? Q: What is
the most common pick-up line in a gay bar? Two lesbians
walk into a brothel. They ask for the youngest woman in the joint. The
Madam says that she will not allow the youngest girl any time with them.
The lesbians make the demand again, "We want the youngest girl here."
You Know You Live in San Francisco When... Little Lucy Spots Two Spiders Mating Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" "They're mating, Lucy" he replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" Lucy asked. "Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs." Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs." Lucy thought
for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're
not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!" Scott has his Ass in the Freezer Two homosexuals named Cecil and Scott were living together. It was stinking hot one day and Cecil arrived home to find Scott with his ass in the freezer, "Scott! What are you doing with your ass in the Freezer?" Scott replied,
"It was so hot outside I thought you'd like something cool to slip
into!" Armani AmEx Lying down on the psychiatrist's couch, the young man said to the doctor, "I wanted to see you because I think I am gay." "Oh?" said the doctor. "And what makes you think that?" "Well, my grandfather was gay, and so was my father." "That doesn't mean you're gay," said the psychiatrist. "We don't believe that homosexuality is hereditary." "Maybe not, but my two brothers are also gay." "Really?" said the doctor, intrigued. "That's right. And so are my two uncles and my cousin." "That IS uncanny," said the psychiatrist, his interest greatly piqued. "Tell me, isn't there anyone in your family who has sex with women?" "Yes,
sir," the young man said. "My sister..." Two Queers See a Dog Licking it's Balls These two queers were walking along on the sidewalk and see this dog lying on the ground licking its balls. One queer says, "Gee, that looks fun." The other
says, "Go ahead, he looks friendly to me." I know that many of you have heard Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, and others speak of the "Homosexual Agenda," but no one has ever seen a copy of it. I have finally obtained a copy directly from the Head Homosexual. It follows below: 6:00 AM Gym
and Tanning Bed Doug and Vincent are going at it one night when the phone rings. "I have to get it," says Vincent, who is catching, "it might be work." As Vincent leaves the room, he turns around and tells Doug not to cum. Five minutes later, Vincent comes back into the room only to see Doug on the bed and cum everywhere. "I thought I told you not to cum!" Vincent says. "I didn't,"
replies Doug, "I farted!" Showing off His New Circumcision Two
homosexuals were talking when one of them happened to mention that he
had gotten circumcised last week. Brian Learns the Secret to a Hairy Chest There's
this gay guy named Brian who has an obsession with hairy chests.
As he's walking down the beach, he notices this huge man with the hairiest
chest. John and Charles Playing a Little Game John,
a straight guy, and Charles, a gay guy, were watching football on TV.
Charles asked John, "Hey, do you want to play a game?" Two
gays go to a flea market and buy an oil lamp they both liked. When they
returned home, one of them decided to shine it up. He rubbed it a couple
of times and out came a genie. Two
lesbians were having a drink at the bar when a good-looking woman waved
at them from across the room. Two
firemen are butt-humping in a smoke filled room. The fire chief
walks in and asks, "What's going on in here?" The
Disposition of Their Ashes... A Guy Goes Into a Bar With a Crocodile...
This guy goes into a bar with a crocodile under his arm. He plops
the crocodile on the barstool, taps on his snout, and as the crock opens
wide, he unzips his pants and lays his tool in the crock's mouth.
The old crocodile remains perfectly still, mouth open, sharp teeth in
place. Rodney and Percy are Playing Golf Rodney
and Percy are playing golf and are at the tricky 16th hole. The 16th is
one of those holes where it's a blind second shot and all players have
to wait until they hear the bell until they play their 2nd shot to the
green. Just Wait 'Til We Take That Pacifier Out of His Ass Two
gay men decided to have a child. They decided to try the cloning
method, so one of them donated their DNA, and a perfectly healthy baby
boy was created. You've Got a Dozen Roses Up Your Ass A fag
goes to the proctologist complaining that his backside hurts. The
doctor says, "That's because you've got a dozen roses shoved up your
ass." Three
gays were talking about their perfect reincarnation. The first one says,
"I'd love to reincarnate in a mirror and see all those handsome men
shave in the mornings." Two
queens were at the funfair and spot the Bigwheel. One wants to go on it
but the other is too scared so stays on the ground to watch. Shortly after
the ride has begun there is huge creaking sound and the whole big wheel
crashes to the ground. The panic stricken queen tears through the wreckage
and eventually finds his boyfriend. "Are you hurt?" he calls
out to him. "Hurt? Hurt?" the boyfriend replies, "Of course
I'm fucking hurt - I went round twice and you only waved once!!" I Love Those Rams and Packers! Bill,
a straight guy, says to his gay friend Terrell, "Do you like football,
Terrell?" See
the drag queen, his name is Billy. A fag
walks into a bar asking for a drink. The barkeep says, "Sorry
pal, but we don't serve your kind. The gay bar is just two blocks
down, why don't you go in there." The fag replies, "Come
on, all I want is just one beer. I'll drink it and get out of here." A gay
guy says to his gay friend, "There's something wrong with my stomach.
Can you stick your finger in my ass and see if anything is wrong?"
His gay friend says sure and sticks his finger up first one's asshole.
The gay friend says, "I don't feel anything wrong." What's the Name of Your Penis? A Guy
walks into a bar and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar. Telling Her Mother She's a Lesbian A young woman,
in the course of her college life, came to terms with her homosexuality
and decided to come out of the closet. Her plan was to tell her mother
first; so on her next home visit, she went to the kitchen, where her mother
was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously,
she explained to her that she had realized she was gay. His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay; doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?" The guy said
nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back
to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the
head with her spoon and said, "Don't you ever complain about my cooking
again!" Two
homosexuals go to the zoo. They get to the gorilla cage and this huge
silverback is sitting there with a massive hard on. One of the gay men
turns to the other and exclaims, "Look at the size of that - it's
like a baby's arm holding a toffee apple. I'd love to get my hands on
that." A Trip to the Garden of Hedon As
he drove along the highway, a guy kept seeing billboards with beautiful,
tanned people and the words: Visit the Garden of Hedon. His curiosity
got the best of him and he turned off the road at the entrance to the
place a few miles down the road. He went inside a building marked "Registration"
and saw an attractive woman sitting at a desk. Liberace Goes in for a Physical So, Liberace goes to the Doctor for his physical. After the exam the Doctor comes in and says, "You've got six weeks to live."Liberace asks, "How do you know this?" The Doctor
tells him, "During the exam a hamster crawled out of your ass, saw
his shadow, and went back in." The Bartender Won't Serve Gays Two gay guys, Bruce and Percy, go into a bar. Percy goes to the bartender and says, "I would like a gin for my friend and me". The bartender says, "There are only three kinds of gin I know: oxygen, hydrogen, and nitrogen, and they are outside. You queers get the hell out of here!" Percy goes back to the table and says, "They won't serve us." Bruce says, "Let me give it a try." He goes up to the bartender and says, "I would like a gin for me and my friend." The bartender says, "I'll tell you the same thing I told your queer buddy. There are only three kinds of gin I know: oxygen, hydrogen, and nitrogen, and they are outside! Now you and your cum-swallowing queer buddy GET THE HELL OUT!" Bruce looks
him in the eyes and says, "There are three kinds of turds I know:
mustard, custard and you, you poopy!! RUN PERCY RUN!" A Lesbian Goes In For a Checkup A lesbian goes for her annual check-up. After the doctor completes the physical he says, "You can get dressed now - your test results will be back in a few days, but stop by my office and I'll review the exam I just gave you." When the patient gets to the office, the doctor says, "Well, you seem to be in perfect health - I couldn't find a thing wrong in my exam. Furthermore, I'd like to compliment you on your excellent personal hygiene. I have hundreds of patients, and I can't think of a one of them who keeps her genital area so clean and fresh." The patient
says, "Well, there's a perfectly good reason for that, you see. I
have a woman in at least three times a week!" Rules
For Identifying Lesbians and Dykes He's Going to Jump From the Golden Gate It was rush hour on the Golden Gate Bridge- traffic was even worse than usual--it was backed up for miles. They were all looking at a man perched on a railing of the Golden Gate Bridge, threatening to jump. A man got out of his car and walked over to the man. "I am a psychologist. Why are you trying to kill yourself? You are young and handsome and appear to have everything in the world going for you." The guy sobbed, "No, I have nothing left to live for. My boyfriend left me." "Why did he leave you?" "I have a bad case of hemorrhoids and I developed a severe sore throat." The psychologist
said, "You poor bastard. Go ahead and jump." Evander Holyfield and Mike Tyson Tattoos A gay man decides to get a tattoo. On arrival to the tattoo artist he spots a picture of Evander Holyfield. "Oh! He's my favorite darling. Can you do him on the cheek of my ass?" he asked the tattoo artist. So it was done. On the way out of the store he spotted another picture on the wall, this time Mike Tyson. "Oh, good Lord!" the queer blurted out. "I just adore Iron Mike! Can you do him on my other cheek?" So it was done. On returning home, his boyfriend says, "Well, drop your trousers, give us a look." He dropped his pants and showed his ass. His boyfriend
gasped and replied, "I think our relationship is over! I sure as
hell ain't getting in the ring with those two burly n_____s!" Three girls died and were brought to the gates of Heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Petra, the lesbian gatekeeper of Heaven, and her obedient angel. St. Petra asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question." "Which is . . . ?" they replied in unison. "Have you been a good girl?" she asked the first girl. "Oh, yes," she said. "I was a virgin before I met my life partner and was still virgin even after I met her." "Very good," said St. Petra. "Angel, give this girl...the golden key." "Have you been a good girl?" she asked the second girl. "Oh, quite good," she said. "I was a virgin before I met my life partner but was not after I met her." "Very good," said St. Petra. "Angel, give this girl...the silver key." "Have you been a good girl?" she asked the third girl. "Oh no, not at all," she said. "I had sex with practically every girl I met before and after I met my life partner. Anywhere, anytime." "Very
good," said St. Petra. "Angel, give this girl...my room key!"
Two lesbians were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. One of them finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the woman calls out to her partner, "Hey, where's your ball?" "It's over here in the pussy willows." She screams
back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL! DON'T HIT THE BALL!" Handsome Vinnie had a great vacation visiting the back room of every gay bar on Castro Street, but it left him somewhat worse for wear. When he got home he called up a friend who practiced homeopathic medicine and complained that his rectum was terribly swollen and tender. The friend recommended making a poultice of herbal tea leaves and applying it to the area. It did relieve the irritation a bit, but the next morning found Vinnie still in considerable discomfort. So he hobbled over to the office of a proctologist who served the gay community. In the examining room, the good-looking fellow bent over and spread his cheeks. The doctor clucked sympathetically and started investigating. "Well, Doctor?" asked Vinnie after a few minutes had passed. "What's the diagnosis?" "It's
not completely clear, darling," admitted the proctologist, "but
the tea leaves recommend a Caribbean cruise for the two of us." Three Lesbians Die and go to Heaven The angel comes to the first one and asks, "How many times have you cheated on your lover?" The lesbian answers, "Once." The angel then gives her the keys to a Ferrari and says, "Go drive around heaven." The angel then asks the second lesbian, "How many times have you cheated on your lover?" She answers, "Three." So the angel gives her the keys to an ordinary Toyota and says, "Go drive around heaven." The same question is asked of the third lesbian and she says, "Eight times." The angel gives her the keys to a beat-up Yugo. After the day is over the three lesbians meet up and the one in the Ferrari is crying her eyes out. The others ask her what's wrong. She says,
"I just saw my lover. She was riding a tricycle! Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" Brad exclaims. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy." The nurse
says, "He's happy now... but just wait until we take the pacifier
out of his ass." Four Men Bragging About Their Sons Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!" The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully "loaded." The third man said "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so incredibly well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar." The other
three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled
about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends
gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio." A woman goes to the doctor's office. "Doctor, I've got a strange problem I need your opinion on." "Could you describe the symptoms to me?" he asked. "Well, it's easier if I show you," she said and, standing up, proceeded to undress. When she was down to her underwear she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs. "They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them." The doctor peered closely at the two circles and said, "Are you a lesbian, by any chance?" he asked. Embarrassed and slightly non-plussed at this question coming from a man with his head between her thighs she replied, "Well, yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?" "Well, I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real gold."
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