Gay and Lesbian Humor

One-Liners 10/25/2003
You know you live in San Francisco when...
The Gay Man's Prayer
Doc, I Think I'm Gay
The Homosexual Agenda 
Showing off His New Circumcision 
John and Charles Playing a Little Game 
She's Hung Like a Donut 
The Disposition of Their Ashes... 
Rodney and Percy are Playing Golf  
You've Got a Dozen Roses Up Your Ass 
Two Queens at the Funfair 
A Fag Walks Into a Bar 
What's the Name of Your Penis?  
Barry is Attacked by a Gorilla
Liberace Goes in for a Physical
The Bartender Won't Serve Gays
A Lesbian Goes In For a Checkup
He's Going to Jump From the Golden Gate
Three Lesbians Go to Heaven
Reading Tea Leaves
Four Men Bragging About Their Sons
If the 12 Apostles had been Gay (on our Lists Page)
Little Lucy Spots Two Spiders Mating
Scott has his Ass in the Freezer
Two Queers See a Dog Licking it's Balls
Oops, I Farted  
Brian Learns the Secret to a Hairy Chest 
Two Gays Find a Magic Lamp 
Two Firemen 
A Guy Goes Into a Bar With a Crocodile...  
Just Wait 'Til We Take That Pacifier Out of His Ass 
The Perfect Reincarnation 
I Love Those Rams and Packers! 
Deck The Halls, Gay Style 
A Unique Way to Give a Gift 
Telling Her Mother She's a Lesbian  
A Trip to the Garden of Hedon
Rules For Identifying Lesbians and Dykes
Evander Holyfield and Mike Tyson Tattoos
Two Lesbians Playing Golf
Three Lesbians Die and go to Heaven
Two Gay Men and a Baby
Your Girlfriend's Earrings...

The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.
---Lynn Lavner

 

One-Liners

Q: Did you hear about the new gay sitcom
A: It is called Leave It, It's Beaver.

Q: What do you call a gay midget?
A: A low blow!

Q: What do you call a homosexual with diarrhea?
A: Juicy Fruit!

Q: What does a lesbian bring with her on the second date?
A: A U-Haul.

Q: What is a lesbian?
A: Just another woman trying to do a man's job!

Q. What's the definition of confusion?
A. Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market!

Q: When a man and a woman get married, they need a marriage license. What do Lesbians need?
A: A licker license!

Q. Did you hear about the new cereal called Queerios?
A. Add milk and they eat themselves!

Q: How can you tell you're at a gay picnic?
A: The hotdogs taste like shit.

The Gays & Lesbians are going to vote Republican this year.
Yep, the gays like Dick, and the lesbians like Bush!

Q. What's the difference between a queer and a refrigerator?
A. The fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out.

Q. What's the most common pick up line at a gay bar?
A. Can I push your stool in for you?

Q. What do you call a queer in a wheelchair?
A. Rollaids.

Q. What do you call a gay man's scrotum?
A. Mud flaps!

Q. What do you call a lesbian with thick fingers?
A. Well hung.

Q: What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbian's apartment?
A: Potpourri.

Q: What did the homo say when he saw his first jock strap? 
A: Dig that crazy lunch box!

Q. What's the difference between a lesbian and a Firestone tire?
A. The tire will eventually go down on you.

Q: What is the worst name a lesbian can call another lesbian?
A: Dick Breath!

Q: What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common?
A: They both get loaded from the rear and go Woo-Whoo!

Q: What are the most three dangerous men a man can meet?
A:1) A black guy with a gun
   2) a Puerto Rican with a knife
   3) a fagot with a chipped tooth!


Q: Did you hear about the queer who put a nicotine patch on his dick?
A: He's down to two butts a day!


"Silly fagot, dicks are for chicks!"


A Transvestite is defined as a guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Q: How can you tell a house that's been built by lesbians?
A: All tongue and groove, not a stud in the place!

Police are on the lookout for two gay guys in Toronto after they attacked a woman.  

One fag jumped her from behind and held her down, while the other one did her hair and nails!

Q: What is the leading cause of death among lesbians ?
A: Hairballs.

Q: Why did Freddy Mercury have himself buried face down?
A: So his buddies could stop by for a cold one.

Q: Did you hear about the fag that got fired from the sperm bank?
A: He was caught drinking on the job.

What do lesbians do when they are on their period?
Finger paint.

If a bi-sexual were to turn up missing.....
Would they put his picture on a carton of Half & Half?

Q: What's the difference between a Ritz and a lesbian?
A: One's a snack cracker.

Q: What did one lesbian say to the other lesbian?
A: You da man!

What did one homosexual's sperm say to the other?
"How the hell are we supposed to find an egg in all this shit?"

Q. What is the first symptom of AIDS?
A. The pounding in your ass!

Q. Why don't the cheerleaders in San Francisco where short skirts?
A. Because when they sit down, their balls hang out.

Q: How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None of your fucking business!

Two gay guys live together. The first guy said, "Let's play hide and seek. I'll hide, and if you find me I'll blow you."
The second guy asked, "What if I can't find you?"  The first guy replied, "I'll be behind the piano!"

Q: What do you call a bull dyke in a china shop?
A: Lost!

If a fag is missing, do they put his picture on the back of a box of Preparation H ?

If you sleep with a gay homeless person, does that make you a hobosexual?

Q:  How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
A:  She kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

Q:  How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Two. One to screw in the lightbulb, and the other to write a folk song about it.

Q:  How many surrealist dykes does it take to replace a lightbulb?
Q:  Fish.

Q: How can you tell when you're in a tough lesbian bar?
A: Even the pool tables don't have balls.

It is a proven fact that 60% of gay men were born that way.
The other 40% were sucked into it.

Q: What do you call a fart in the men's room of a gay bar?
A: A love call.

Q: Why did the gay criminal keep going back to prison?
A: He loved it in the can.

Q: What does a bungee jumper and a gay guy have in common?
A: If the rubber breaks, they're both in deep shit!

Q: What do you call a faggot with a runny nose?
A: Full!

Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One says to the other,
"Fancy going in and getting shit faced?"

Q: What are 100 lesbians with rifles called?
A: Militia Ethridge!

Q: Why can't lesbians go on a diet and wear makeup at the same time?
A: You can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on your face!

Q: What do you call a lesbian with fingernails?
A: Single.

Q: How many gays does it take to put in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes and entire emergency room staff to get it out again.

Q: Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales?
A: So they can have ten-foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.

Q: What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A: Fur Traders.

Q: What's in the air in San Francisco that keeps women from getting pregnant?
A: Men's legs!

Q: What's the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo?
A: At a straight rodeo they yell, "Ride that sucker!"

How do you define a bisexual?
Someone who wants to have their dick and eat it too.

Elton John goes to a tattoo parlor and asks to have a car tattooed on his dick.
The tattoo artist asks, "What type of car would you like put on?"
"Better make it a 4x4," replies Elton reflectively, "it's got a lot of shit to get through."

Q: What do you call it when two butches have sex?
A: Banging tools.

What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.

What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.

What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.

Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

Have you heard about the new lesbian tennis shoe called "Dyke" (pronounced DIE-KEY)?
Yeah! It has an extra long tongue and it only takes one finger to get it off!

Q. How does an asthmatic lesbian breathe?
A. In snatches.

Q. Where do you find a gay gardener?
A. Up to his balls in peat (Pete).

While making love, a lesbian asks her lover,
"Do you mind if I smoke while you eat?"

Q: How do you know if you're gay?
A: You get a boner when you're getting nailed in the ass.


There's a new "lesbian scented" air freshener tree... double tuna scent!

Q: What is the most common pick-up line in a gay bar?
A: Can I push in your stool?

Two lesbians walk into a brothel. They ask for the youngest woman in the joint. The Madam says that she will not allow the youngest girl any time with them. The lesbians make the demand again, "We want the youngest girl here."
The madam says, "No. I don't serve minors to lickers."



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You Know You Live in San Francisco When...

1. Your coworker tells you she has 8 body piercings but none are visible.
2. When someone says Tenderloin, you don't think of steak.
3. You make over $100,000 and still can't afford a house.
4. You can't remember.....is pot illegal?
5. You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
6. You know where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
7. A really great parking space can move you to tears.
8. You know that everyone wearing shorts in July is just visiting from Ohio.
9. You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits.
10. Your boss runs in the "Bay To Breakers."...itís the first time you've seen him nude.
11. Your child's third grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named "Breeze." And after telling that to a friend, they still ask if the teacher is male or female.
12. You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between Yoga, Aroma therapy, Conversational Mandarin or build your own web site.
13. You haven't been to Fisherman's Wharf since the first month you moved here.
14. A man walks onto the Muni bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't notice.
15. You think any guy with George Clooney's haircut must be visiting from the Midwest.
16. Police Commissioner Wayne Friday wears a pink boa to a city hall meeting and no one notices. (unless he has finally found matching heels)
17. You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is not a tourist.
18. You keep a list of companies to boycott.
19. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is straight and your Mary Kay lady is a guy in drag.
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Little Lucy Spots Two Spiders Mating

Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"

"They're mating, Lucy" he replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" Lucy asked.

"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs."

Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"

Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!"
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Scott has his Ass in the Freezer

Two homosexuals named Cecil and Scott were living together. It was stinking hot one day and Cecil arrived home to find Scott with his ass in the freezer, "Scott!

What are you doing with your ass in the Freezer?"

Scott replied, "It was so hot outside I thought you'd like something cool to slip into!"
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The Gay Man's Prayer

Armani
Which art in Hermes
Hallowed be thy Gucci
Thy Cartier watch
Thy Prada bag
on Rodeo Dr.
As it is in Tiffany's
Give us this day, Our Visa Gold
And forgive us this overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our Mastercard
Lead us not into JC Penney
and delivers us from Sears
For thine is the Chanel, the Gaultier and the Versace for Dolce and
Gabbana....

AmEx

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Doc, I Think I'm Gay

Lying down on the psychiatrist's couch, the young man said to the doctor, "I wanted to see you because I think I am gay."

"Oh?" said the doctor. "And what makes you think that?"

"Well, my grandfather was gay, and so was my father."

"That doesn't mean you're gay," said the psychiatrist. "We don't believe that homosexuality is hereditary."

"Maybe not, but my two brothers are also gay."

"Really?" said the doctor, intrigued.

"That's right. And so are my two uncles and my cousin."

"That IS uncanny," said the psychiatrist, his interest greatly piqued. "Tell me, isn't there anyone in your family who has sex with women?"

"Yes, sir," the young man said. "My sister..."
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Two Queers See a Dog Licking it's Balls

These two queers were walking along on the sidewalk and see this dog lying on the ground licking its balls.

One queer says, "Gee, that looks fun."

The other says, "Go ahead, he looks friendly to me."
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The Homosexual Agenda

I know that many of you have heard Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, and others speak of the "Homosexual Agenda," but no one has ever seen a copy of it. I have finally obtained a copy directly from the Head Homosexual. It follows below:

6:00 AM Gym and Tanning Bed
8:00 AM Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites)
9:00 AM Hair Appointment
10:00 AM Shopping
12:00 PM Brunch (Salmon Benedict, roasted potatoes, mimosa)
2:00 PM
(1) Assume complete control of the US Federal, State, and Local Governments, as well as all other national governments;
(2) Recruit all straight youngsters to our debauched lifestyle;
(3) Destroy all healthy heterosexual marriages;
(4) Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents of Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels;
(5) Establish planetary chain of "homo-breeding gulags", where overmedicated imprisoned straight women are turned into artificially-impregnated baby factories to produce prepubescent love slaves for our devotedly pederastic gay leadership;
(6) Bulldoze all houses of worship; and,
(7) Secure total control of the Internet and all mass media for the exclusive use of child pornographers.
2:30 PM Get beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles caused by the stress of world conquest.
3:30 PM Protein Shake
4:00 PM Tea Dance
6:00 PM Light Dinner (soup, salad, and skinless chicken breast, with a crisp Chardonnay)
8:00 PM Theatre
11:00 PM Bed du Jour

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Oops, I Farted

Doug and Vincent are going at it one night when the phone rings. "I have to get it," says Vincent, who is catching, "it might be work." As Vincent leaves the room, he turns around and tells Doug not to cum. Five minutes later, Vincent comes back into the room only to see Doug on the bed and cum everywhere.

"I thought I told you not to cum!" Vincent says.

"I didn't," replies Doug, "I farted!"
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Showing off His New Circumcision

Two homosexuals were talking when one of them happened to mention that he had gotten circumcised last week.

"Can I see it?" asked the second gay guy.

So the first guy promptly dropped his pants to show off his operation.

"Oooh," squealed his friend, "you look ten years younger!"

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Brian Learns the Secret to a Hairy Chest

There's this gay guy named Brian who has an obsession with hairy chests.  As he's walking down the beach, he notices this huge man with the hairiest chest. 

So, he goes up to him and asks what his secret to getting a hairy chest is.  He says, "Every night after I take a shower, I rub KY jelly all over my chest." 

Elated, Brian runs home to his lover, Peter.  "Honey, honey! I have found the secret to getting a hairy chest!  All I have to do is rub KY all over my chest after I take a shower!"
 
"You dip shit," he replies, "if that were true, you would have a pony tail hanging out of your ass!"
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John and Charles Playing a Little Game

John, a straight guy, and Charles, a gay guy, were watching football on TV.  Charles asked John, "Hey, do you want to play a game?"

John thinks for a second and replies, "Sure, why not!"

Charles begins to state the rules of the game and says to John, "what you have to do is drink a mug of beer for 6 points and pull down your pants and fart for the extra point!"

"Piece of cake, let's do it!" John replies.

"I'll go first," shouts Charles.

He stands up, gulps down the first mug of beer for 6 points and pulls down his pants and farts for the extra point.  "Seven - zip, your turn!" he says to John.

John gets ready to begin.  He stands up, gulps down his mug of beer for 6 points, then pulls down his pants for the extra point.  Charles suddenly jumps up, whips out his pecker and shouts, "BLOCK THAT KICK!! BLOCK THAT KICK!!"
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Two Gays Find a Magic Lamp

Two gays go to a flea market and buy an oil lamp they both liked. When they returned home, one of them decided to shine it up. He rubbed it a couple of times and out came a genie.

The genie said, "Thank you for getting me out of that lamp! I've been stuck in there for years! For this, I will grant you three wishes!"

Well, that excited the gays and one of them said, "Thanks bunches, Mr. Genie!"  When the genie heard him, he jumped up and said "You're fags, aren't you?  I hate fags!  But I'm a fair genie, so I'll grant you one wish, and you better make it good!"

The gays huddled for a second and decided what they were going to ask for.  They told the genie their wish and the genie folded his arms and with a mighty puff of smoke disappeared.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.  As one of the gays opened the door, they found themselves looking at a member of the Klu-Klux-Klan who was holding up a hangman's noose. The Klansman hollered out, "Alright, which one of you was it that wanted to be hung like a nigger?"
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She's Hung Like a Donut

Two lesbians were having a drink at the bar when a good-looking woman waved at them from across the room.

"I'd like to get between her legs," said lesbo #1.

"Oh, no you wouldn't," responded her friend. "She's hung like a donut."

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Two Firemen

Two firemen are butt-humping in a smoke filled room.  The fire chief walks in and asks, "What's going on in here?" 

One of the firemen says, "Well, this man's got smoke inhalation." 

The chief says, "Smoke inhalation?  Why don't you give him mouth-to-mouth?" 

The one fireman says, "I did! How do you think this shit got started?!"

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The Disposition of Their Ashes...

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated.  Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Frankie was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

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A Guy Goes Into a Bar With a Crocodile...

This guy goes into a bar with a crocodile under his arm. He plops the crocodile on the barstool, taps on his snout, and as the crock opens wide, he unzips his pants and lays his tool in the crock's mouth.  The old crocodile remains perfectly still, mouth open, sharp teeth in place. 

The guy says to the bartender, "Brings me a drink."  The bartender says, "Anything, man, but that is terrible.  Please get your dick out of the crocodile's mouth.  Anything man!  He is gonna snap shut on you." 

"Gimme another drink," says the man.  "Sure," says the bartender, "Anything you say, but get your dick out of the crocodile's mouth!"

People are gathering around to watch by this time.  Finally, the guy has a last drink, all on the house, and takes his tool out of the crocodile's mouth, draws it in, zips up his pants. 

"Anybody else want to try this?" he asks.  A little fag at the end of the bar shouts out, "Yes-s-sh, I would, but I don't know if I could keep my mouth open that long!"
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Rodney and Percy are Playing Golf

Rodney and Percy are playing golf and are at the tricky 16th hole. The 16th is one of those holes where it's a blind second shot and all players have to wait until they hear the bell until they play their 2nd shot to the green.

Anyway, Rodders and Perky were putting out on the 16th when this ball lands within a foot of cute little Perky. Rodders, the 'butch' one says "Perky! GO AND LIE IN THAT BUNKER OVER THERE AND PRETEND YOU WERE HIT BY THAT BALL. So Perky goes and lies there groaning, etc.

Over the brow of the hill arrive these two huge, hairy-chested pair of golfers.

When they arrive at the green, the first Tarzan says "Where's my fucking golf ball, you pansy-ass?"  Rodders replies, "You nasty, big bully, look what've done to my friend.  Your golf ball hit him on the head just as he was about to putt for his birdie.  Now he is bleeding and lying there half dead--you big pig! We're going to take you to court and sue you for millions!"

After listen to Rodder's whiny-ass dribble, the two large ape-like creatures look at each other and say, "Fuck you, homo, suck our dicks!"

Rodders then thinks about it and screams over to the poor groaning Perky and says, "Perky, Perky, get up! They want to 'settle out of court!"

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Just Wait 'Til We Take That Pacifier Out of His Ass

Two gay men decided to have a child.  They decided to try the cloning method, so one of them donated their DNA, and a perfectly healthy baby boy was created. 

Everyone who came to visit the baby in the nursery bragged about how happy and content he seemed to be compared to all the other crying babies. 

The head nurse walked by and said, "That's what you think. Just wait until we take that pacifier out of his ass!"
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You've Got a Dozen Roses Up Your Ass

A fag goes to the proctologist complaining that his backside hurts.  The doctor says, "That's because you've got a dozen roses shoved up your ass."

"Ooh, read the card!"
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The Perfect Reincarnation

Three gays were talking about their perfect reincarnation. The first one says, "I'd love to reincarnate in a mirror and see all those handsome men shave in the mornings."

The second gay guy says, "I wish I were underwear so I could rub my face in their dicks and asses."

The third gay guy was thinking of something better to say, and replied, "I'd love to an ambulance.  I would love to have three or four men stuck through my behind at a time and then run through the streets of the city shouting, 'Ooha-ooha, ooha-ooha, ooha-ooha'."
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Two Queens at the Funfair

Two queens were at the funfair and spot the Bigwheel. One wants to go on it but the other is too scared so stays on the ground to watch. Shortly after the ride has begun there is huge creaking sound and the whole big wheel crashes to the ground. The panic stricken queen tears through the wreckage and eventually finds his boyfriend. "Are you hurt?" he calls out to him. "Hurt? Hurt?" the boyfriend replies, "Of course I'm fucking hurt - I went round twice and you only waved once!!"
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I Love Those Rams and Packers!

Bill, a straight guy, says to his gay friend Terrell, "Do you like football, Terrell?"

Terrell replies, "Yes, yes, oh yes.  What is your favorite team, Billy-boy?"

Bill responds, "It's a toss up between the 49ers and Raiders."

Terrell jumps up and shouts out to Bill, "Not me, big-boy, I love those Rams and Packers!"
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Deck The Halls, Gay Style

See the drag queen, his name is Billy.
Fa La La La La La La La La

For 50 bucks, he'll spank you silly.
Fa La La La La La La La La

See him in his gay apparel.
Fa La La La La La La La La

You should meet his brother Carol!
Fa La La La La La La La La
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A Fag Walks Into a Bar

A fag walks into a bar asking for a drink.  The barkeep says, "Sorry pal, but we don't serve your kind.  The gay bar is just two blocks down, why don't you go in there."  The fag replies, "Come on, all I want is just one beer.  I'll drink it and get out of here."

Finally, they bartender says, "OK, drink your damn beer and get out of here."  The fag takes his beer over to a corner table and proceeds to sip it, when a cowboy walks in and says, "Hey barkeep, I want the strongest drink you make.  I am so thirsty, I could lick the sweat off a bulls nuts!"

At that, the fag in the corner shouts out, "Moo, moo, buckaroo!
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A Unique Way to Give a Gift

A gay guy says to his gay friend, "There's something wrong with my stomach.  Can you stick your finger in my ass and see if anything is wrong?"  His gay friend says sure and sticks his finger up first one's asshole.  The gay friend says, "I don't feel anything wrong."

The first gay guy asks, "Can you try two fingers?" to which the gay friends agrees.  He sticks two fingers up his friend's ass and says, "I still can't feel anything.

The first gay guy then asks, "Well, then can you stick your whole hand in?"  The friend again agrees, but says he doesn't feel anything.  The first gay guy asks, "Can you stick it in more?"  The friend once again says sure.  This time he shouts, "I feel something...wait...then he pulls it out and exclaims, "It's a Rolex watch.  The first gay guy bursts out into a chorus of: "Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, I hope you like the present, you found in my poo!"
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What's the Name of Your Penis?

A Guy walks into a bar and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar.

But what the heck, he thought, he really wanted a drink.

When the gay waiter approaches he says to the guy, "What's the name of your penis?".

The guy says at the gay waiter and says, "Look, I'm not into any of that.  All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis.  Mine for example is called Nike for the slogan 'Just do it.'  That guy at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really satisfies'!"

The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty customer asks, "Why TIMEX?"  Hid neighbor replied, "Because it takes a lickin, and keeps on tickin."

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"

The man turns to him and proudly says, "FORD, because 'Quality is job One'." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis.  Finally, he turns to the gay waiter and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret'.  Now, give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The customer says, "Because 'IT'S STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN'!"
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Telling Her Mother She's a Lesbian

A young woman, in the course of her college life, came to terms with her homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet. Her plan was to tell her mother first; so on her next home visit, she went to the kitchen, where her mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, she explained to her that she had realized she was gay.

Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, "You mean, lesbian?"

"Well... yes."

Still without looking up: "Does that mean you lick women's pussies?"

Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose, snapped: "Don't you *EVER* complain about my cooking again!"  

And then...

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you. I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay; doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you ever complain about my cooking again!"


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Barry is Attacked by a Gorilla 

Two homosexuals go to the zoo. They get to the gorilla cage and this huge silverback is sitting there with a massive hard on. One of the gay men turns to the other and exclaims, "Look at the size of that - it's like a baby's arm holding a toffee apple. I'd love to get my hands on that."

The other chap agrees but before he can point out the danger his mate has rammed his arm through the bars of the cage and grabbed the gorilla's enormous schwantz. The gorilla grabs the gay man's arm and pulls him towards the cage. He keeps pulling and pulling and eventually the poor fool falls through the bars with a loud gay scream.

The gorilla then turns him round and gives him the hardest internal exam he's ever had. His friend runs for help and after about an hour, they finally get the gorilla sedated with a dart and the gay dude is dragged, bruised and bleeding, from the cage.

He's rushed to hospital and they undertake 4 hours of surgery on his ring piece. When he eventually comes round his friend is sitting at his bedside.

"Oooh Barry - I'm so glad you've woken up - I was absolutely terrified - tell me does it hurt?"

"HURT," says his friend, "HURT! - I'll say it hurts - 2 days since it happened and he hasn't phoned, no flowers......"
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A Trip to the Garden of Hedon

As he drove along the highway, a guy kept seeing billboards with beautiful, tanned people and the words: Visit the Garden of Hedon. His curiosity got the best of him and he turned off the road at the entrance to the place a few miles down the road. He went inside a building marked "Registration" and saw an attractive woman sitting at a desk.

"Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.

"It's quite simple," said the receptionist. "This is a nudist camp. We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."

"Cool," said the guy, "count me in!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing: "Beware of Gays."

He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry, you've had two warnings!"

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Liberace Goes in for a Physical

So, Liberace goes to the Doctor for his physical. After the exam the Doctor comes in and says, "You've got six weeks to live."

Liberace asks, "How do you know this?"

The Doctor tells him, "During the exam a hamster crawled out of your ass, saw his shadow, and went back in."
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The Bartender Won't Serve Gays

Two gay guys, Bruce and Percy, go into a bar. Percy goes to the bartender and says, "I would like a gin for my friend and me". The bartender says, "There are only three kinds of gin I know: oxygen, hydrogen, and nitrogen, and they are outside. You queers get the hell out of here!"

Percy goes back to the table and says, "They won't serve us."

Bruce says, "Let me give it a try." He goes up to the bartender and says, "I would like a gin for me and my friend." The bartender says, "I'll tell you the same thing I told your queer buddy. There are only three kinds of gin I know: oxygen, hydrogen, and nitrogen, and they are outside! Now you and your cum-swallowing queer buddy GET THE HELL OUT!"

Bruce looks him in the eyes and says, "There are three kinds of turds I know: mustard, custard and you, you poopy!! RUN PERCY RUN!"
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A Lesbian Goes In For a Checkup

A lesbian goes for her annual check-up. After the doctor completes the physical he says, "You can get dressed now - your test results will be back in a few days, but stop by my office and I'll review the exam I just gave you."

When the patient gets to the office, the doctor says, "Well, you seem to be in perfect health - I couldn't find a thing wrong in my exam. Furthermore, I'd like to compliment you on your excellent personal hygiene. I have hundreds of patients, and I can't think of a one of them who keeps her genital area so clean and fresh."

The patient says, "Well, there's a perfectly good reason for that, you see. I have a woman in at least three times a week!"
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Rules For Identifying Lesbians and Dykes

A lesbian drinks out of a glass.
A dyke pops a top.
A lesbian buys real estate.
A dyke rents.
A lesbian keeps stock in the safety deposit box.
A dyke puts it back out on the shelf.
A dyke on bike owns a Harley.
A lesbian owns a Schwinn.
A dyke's tattoos dont rub off.
A lesbian's don't show.
A lesbian brunches.
A dyke drives-through.
A lesbian has acquaintances.
A dyke has buddies.
A dyke buys Playboy over the counter.
A lesbian has a subscription.
A lesbian drives a Porsche.
A dyke commands a Camaro.
A dyke can actually say the word dildo.
A lesbian can pass.
A lesbian cooks.
A dyke defrosts.
A dyke makes dinner.
A lesbian makes reservations.
A lesbian entertains at home.
A dyke has a regular stool.
A lesbian networks and chats.
A dyke shows up.
A lesbian serves canapes.
A dyke feeds you from a can of peas.
A dyke has a tool belt.
A lesbian has a tooled belt.
A dyke will drink from the hose.
A lesbian sprays Evian to set her makeup.
A lesbian plays games.
A dyke watches them.
A dyke plays hardball.
A lesbian plays softball.
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He's Going to Jump From the Golden Gate

It was rush hour on the Golden Gate Bridge- traffic was even worse than usual--it was backed up for miles. They were all looking at a man perched on a railing of the Golden Gate Bridge, threatening to jump.

A man got out of his car and walked over to the man. "I am a psychologist. Why are you trying to kill yourself? You are young and handsome and appear to have everything in the world going for you."

The guy sobbed, "No, I have nothing left to live for. My boyfriend left me."

"Why did he leave you?"

"I have a bad case of hemorrhoids and I developed a severe sore throat."

The psychologist said, "You poor bastard. Go ahead and jump."
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Evander Holyfield and Mike Tyson Tattoos

A gay man decides to get a tattoo. On arrival to the tattoo artist he spots a picture of Evander Holyfield.

"Oh! He's my favorite darling. Can you do him on the cheek of my ass?" he asked the tattoo artist.

So it was done. On the way out of the store he spotted another picture on the wall, this time Mike Tyson. "Oh, good Lord!" the queer blurted out. "I just adore Iron Mike! Can you do him on my other cheek?"

So it was done. On returning home, his boyfriend says, "Well, drop your trousers, give us a look."

He dropped his pants and showed his ass.

His boyfriend gasped and replied, "I think our relationship is over! I sure as hell ain't getting in the ring with those two burly n_____s!"
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Three Lesbians Go to Heaven

Three girls died and were brought to the gates of Heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Petra, the lesbian gatekeeper of Heaven, and her obedient angel.

St. Petra asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question." "Which is . . . ?" they replied in unison.

"Have you been a good girl?" she asked the first girl.

"Oh, yes," she said. "I was a virgin before I met my life partner and was still virgin even after I met her."

"Very good," said St. Petra. "Angel, give this girl...the golden key."

"Have you been a good girl?" she asked the second girl.

"Oh, quite good," she said. "I was a virgin before I met my life partner but was not after I met her."

"Very good," said St. Petra. "Angel, give this girl...the silver key."

"Have you been a good girl?" she asked the third girl.

"Oh no, not at all," she said. "I had sex with practically every girl I met before and after I met my life partner. Anywhere, anytime."

"Very good," said St. Petra. "Angel, give this girl...my room key!"
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Two Lesbians Playing Golf

Two lesbians were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. One of them finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."

The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the woman calls out to her partner, "Hey, where's your ball?"

"It's over here in the pussy willows."

She screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL! DON'T HIT THE BALL!"
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Reading Tea Leaves

Handsome Vinnie had a great vacation visiting the back room of every gay bar on Castro Street, but it left him somewhat worse for wear. When he got home he called up a friend who practiced homeopathic medicine and complained that his rectum was terribly swollen and tender. The friend recommended making a poultice of herbal tea leaves and applying it to the area.

It did relieve the irritation a bit, but the next morning found Vinnie still in considerable discomfort. So he hobbled over to the office of a proctologist who served the gay community. In the examining room, the good-looking fellow bent over and spread his cheeks. The doctor clucked sympathetically and started investigating.

"Well, Doctor?" asked Vinnie after a few minutes had passed. "What's the diagnosis?"

"It's not completely clear, darling," admitted the proctologist, "but the tea leaves recommend a Caribbean cruise for the two of us."
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Three Lesbians Die and go to Heaven

The angel comes to the first one and asks, "How many times have you cheated on your lover?" The lesbian answers, "Once." The angel then gives her the keys to a Ferrari and says, "Go drive around heaven."

The angel then asks the second lesbian, "How many times have you cheated on your lover?" She answers, "Three." So the angel gives her the keys to an ordinary Toyota and says, "Go drive around heaven."

The same question is asked of the third lesbian and she says, "Eight times." The angel gives her the keys to a beat-up Yugo.

After the day is over the three lesbians meet up and the one in the Ferrari is crying her eyes out. The others ask her what's wrong.

She says, "I just saw my lover. She was riding a tricycle!
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Two Gay Men and a Baby

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Brad exclaims. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."

The nurse says, "He's happy now... but just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass."
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Four Men Bragging About Their Sons

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!"

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully "loaded."

The third man said "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so incredibly well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar."

The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."
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Your Girlfriend's Earrings...

A woman goes to the doctor's office.

"Doctor, I've got a strange problem I need your opinion on."

"Could you describe the symptoms to me?" he asked.

"Well, it's easier if I show you," she said and, standing up, proceeded to undress. When she was down to her underwear she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs.

"They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them."

The doctor peered closely at the two circles and said, "Are you a lesbian, by any chance?" he asked.

Embarrassed and slightly non-plussed at this question coming from a man with his head between her thighs she replied, "Well, yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?"

"Well, I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real gold."

 



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