A female's puberty ends at the age of 18, while the male's puberty ends fourteen days after the guy is dead.
If a man speaks in the forest and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?
For these books on Gender-based humor, go to Amazon.com
Version x.x ,Wife Version x.x Jokes moved to:
went into a cafe. The waitress asked him what he wanted. "A quickie,"
the man replied. The waitress gave him a dirty look and asked him again.
"I want a quickie," the man repeated. The waitress slapped his
face and ordered him out. As he was leaving another diner said to him,
"I think it's pronounced quiche."
meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for
$500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does
not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write
a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that: 1) it had never been occupied; 2) that there was plenty of heat; 3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home. However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."
Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.
And so it was. And it was...well, good.
God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What's left
here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
A journalist from CNBC did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," she said, "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"
HER PERFECT DAY:
up to hugs and kisses
HIS PERFECT DAY
Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life buddy?"
The other guy says, "Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest half-way through. It's very frustrating."
The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago."
The other guy says, "OK, I think I'll try that."
The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, How did you get on with the starter pistol?"
The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the starter pistol, just like you said."
The first guy says, "So what happened?"
other guy says, "She bit my dick, pissed all over me, and a man came
out of the closet with his hands up!"
A patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.
"Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive and you will have to pay the costs yourselves." "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's
brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."
A local bakery decided to hire a part-time counter person who could work weekends and evenings. She had one eccentric characteristic about her (which was unknown when she was hired). She wore very short skirts and no underwear.
Needless to say she was a real beauty and had a figure to die for. The bakery had a small storefront so it was necessary to have the various products on shelves and then use a ladder to reach the uppermost items. The item that had previously been the least popular but was fast becoming the most popular with gentlemen was raisin bread, which was kept on the uppermost shelf.
One day an elderly gentleman came into the bakery and ordered a loaf of bread. The young lady, without thinking, scurried up the ladder and then realized she had not asked him what kind of bread he wanted. So she asked "raisin?"
he replied, but it is beginning to twitch a little."
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:
Dear Wife (that's what he called her):
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband (that's what she called him):
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy.
You being an accountant
will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54
goes into 18.
How to speak about women and be politically correct:
She is not a BABE or a CHICK. She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER. She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY. She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT. She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB. She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND. She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED. She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY. She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
She does not have a KILLER BODY. She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She is not an AIRHEAD. She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY. She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY. She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS. She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU. She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
She is not a SLUT. She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS. She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE. She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
How to speak about men and be politically correct:
He does not have a BEER GUT. He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER. He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME. He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING. He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER. He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK. He becomesACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS. He develops a case of RECTAL-ANAL INVERSION.
He is not a SEX MACHINE. He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG. He has SWINE EMPATHY.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT. He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES. He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT.
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something else.
I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure.
So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me!
So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I dunno, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else?
Lousy day at work.
Tired. Got laid though.
At the annual Assertive Woman Conference, three speakers addressed the gathering.
The first speaker,
a lady from England, stood up and said, "During last years' conference
we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the
conference I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no
longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself! After the
first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing. But on
the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
In a recent Harris
On-Line poll 38, 562 men across the US were asked to identify a woman's
ultimate fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents said that a women's ultimate
fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a
recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that
in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, "What
will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Never to Say When Arguing With a Woman
One day a little girl, around 8 years of age, is outside of her house in the driveway jumping rope. A little boy, around the same age, walks by and sees her. He is holding a football under his arm. He stops directly in front of her. The little girl looks at the ball and is mesmerized because she has never really played football before. She asks the little boy "Can I have your football?". The little boy replies, "No! Cause this is a boy's football and a girl can't have one. The little girl runs inside crying to her mother.
The next day the girl is outside playing with sidewalk chalk when the same boy rides by on his bicycle. He stops by the girl's house to see what she is up to and if she has gotten over her crying fest. The little girl immediately runs into her garage and picks up a football which her mother had bought for her the previous evening. She teases, "hahahahahaha". The boy becomes angry... and points to his bike, and says "See this bike, this is a boy's bike and a girl can't have one". Again, the girl runs inside crying to her mother.
The next day the girl is outside playing with dolls when the little boy walks by. The little girl runs into the garage and comes out riding on a bike identical to the boy's bike that she had seen yesterday, which her mother had just bought for her. The boy is really angry by now. As a response, he pulls down his pants and points to his private parts. He says... see this, this is something ONLY BOYS have, and a girl can definitely not have one of these! The girl runs in crying to her mother once again.
day the boy walks by again, this time the little girl is just sitting
down in the grass. He says "So, what do you have to say now?"
The little girls gives a smirk and pulls up her dress and points to her
private parts. She replies, "'My mommy says, as long as I have one
of these (as she points to hers, and then points to his) I can have as
many of those as I want!"
finalist has been named in the worldwide search for the perfect man.
a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her
husband should try his hand at changing diapers.
said... Want a quickie?
When a man
volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into
this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the
husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned
about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he
said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am
having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock
family car developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she
had bought special non-leaded or regular gas, but she couldn't remember.
what's the matter?" asked one woman of her friend over coffee. "I
thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your
you and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear,
if we don't do laundry right now!?"
What the man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale's when he noticed
an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter.
a few answers to commonly asked pregnancy questions by both men and women.
First, the questions from women:
One day my
housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This "Handy Hormone Hostage Guide" should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.
What's for dinner?
Are you wearing THAT?
What are you so worked up about?
Should you be eating that?
What did you DO all day?
A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?"
"No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing."
As he walked
toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Just like a man."
weapons, invented hunting.
colors, invented painting.
speech, invented conversation.
agriculture, invented food.
friendship, invented love.
woman, invented sex.
trade, invented money.
Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
if a man strays, it's because men are scum-sucking, fucking assholes!
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
"I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
How to Shower
Like a Woman
off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights
off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship,
they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their
perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed
someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple,
they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.
Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect
couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving
along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated
and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them
survived the accident. The mind numbing question is:
for the answer...
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
So, if there
is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been
driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if
you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point:
Women never listen, either.
Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!
blah, blah, blah, blah....C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah....YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah....ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah....NO CLOTHES
blah, blah....RIGHT NOW
ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES - female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
- female .. Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider this: it gives
men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know
the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Women on Haircuts
2: Oh! That's so cute!
1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. <etc, ad nauseam>
Haircuttee - Man1
Haircut Noticer - Man2
The difference between women at the ages of 8, 18, 28, 38, 48 and 58.
8 - You take
her to bed and tell her a story.
Discover the Benefits of Worshiping & Adoring Your Man's Penis!
Every blowjob you give, adds one month to your life.
If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five porterhouse steaks, but contains only 150 calories.
A hand-job a day keeps arthritis away.
Every ten minutes of dry humping is equivalent to ten minutes on the treadmill.
Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.
Intercourse prevents divorce.
Regular fucking releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of brain cells.
Sex eliminates headaches.
Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard" triples your chances of getting into heaven.
an attractive female friend into bed with you and your lover earns you
a diamond choker for your birthday.
A pro golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news." says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh god no!" cries the man. "My career is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant"
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and 6 months later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great" says the business man. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great." said the surgeon
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors"
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a success."
there is one problem," said the golfer, "every time I try to
jerk off I get a headache!"
There was a man on an airplane on his way home. He was sitting first class and really needed to drop a load. There was a line for the men's restroom so he asked the flight attendant if he could use the women's restroom. She told him he could but to remember not to press any buttons.
Well, he was sitting on the toilet doing his business, and he was fascinated by all the buttons. He figured the flight attendant would never know the difference, so he pressed a button labeled "BW". A warm stream of water started to wash his butt.
Next he tried a button labeled "BD", he suddenly felt warm air drying his butt off.
The next button he pressed was labeled "ATR". The next thing he knows he is lying in a hospital bed his wife, children, and, to his surprise, the flight attendant are all standing next to his bed.
"What happened?" he asked the flight attendant, "The last thing I remember is pressing a button labeled 'ATR'. What happened?"
"the flight attendant replied, 'ATR' stands for 'automatic tampon
Things you'll never hear a man say:
1) Here honey,
you use the remote.
1) What do
you mean today's our anniversary?
ZIPLOC BAGS = male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
COPIER = female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. And it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
TIRE = male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON = male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES = female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE = female, because it is always getting hit on.
SUBWAY = male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS = female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER = male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
= female... Ha! You thought it would be male. But consider...it gives
a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know
the right buttons to push, he keeps trying...
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...
First floor: The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor: The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor: This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor: This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only
to prove that women are fucking impossible to please. The exit is to your
left. We hope you fall down the stairs."
1. Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has before.
2. The undiscovered side of Banking: How to make deposits.
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You don't need shoes everyday.
4. Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.
5. Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a wife.
6. Leisure Studies: An invitation to a party does not that you have to have a new outfit.
7. Man Management: Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.
8. Personal Space: Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partner's toothbrush.
9. Valuation: Just because it's not important to you.
10. Communication Skills I: Tears as the last resort and not the first.
11. Communication Skills II: How to think before speaking.
12. What he really wants: Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.
13. Driving a car safely: A skill you can also acquire.
14. Real women drink their share at a party.
15. Telephones: How to hang up.
16. Parking: Beginners Course.
17. Parking (Advanced): Reversing into a parking space.
18. The Natural Habitat of the Towel: Why they prefer the floor.
19. Managing your weight: It's not water retention... it's fat.
20. Learning to cook I: Bran is not food.
21. Learning to cook II: Bringing back bacon and eggs.
22. Compliments: How to accept them gracefully.
23. PMS: Your problem... not his.