If a man speaks in the forest and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

For these books on Gender-based humor, go to Amazon.com

Dick for a Day: What Would You Do if You Had One?	Was it Something I Said? A Gender Translation Guide for all Occasions

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Classic Quotes

• Men get laid, but women get screwed.
  -- Quentin Crisp (English writer)
• When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.
  -- Frederick Ryder
• Women need a reason to have sex -- men just need a place.
  -- Billy Crystal.
• I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave?
  -- Beverly Mickins (American comedienne)
• Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love you instead of laugh at you.
  -- Mrs. Patrick Campbell (English actress)
• Eventually, all men come out of the bathroom dressed as a majorette.
  -- Ernestyne White
• A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times.
  -- Sanskrit proverb
• There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
  -- Jerry Seinfeld
• We got new advice as to what motivated man to walk upright: to free his hands for masturbation.
  -- Jane Wagner
• March isn't the only thing that's in like a lion, out like a lamb.
  -- Anonymous
• You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate.
  -- Carrie Snow
• Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last.
  -- Remy de Gourmant (French writer)
• A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses.
  -- H.L. Mencken (American writer, 1888-1956)
• When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.
  -- Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)
• Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
  -- Lyndon B. Johnson
• Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
  -- Carrie Snow
• God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
  -- Anonymous
• "Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers? Men don't like flowers. I've been wearing a great new scent. It's called New Car Interior." 
  -- Rita Rudner
• "certain women should be struck regularly, like gongs."
    --Noel Coward, 1899-1973
• "Women are like elephants to me; I like to look at them but I wouldn't want to own one." 
  --W.C. Fields, 1879-1946
• "Marriage is very difficult. Very few of us are fortunate enough to marry multimillionaire girls with 39-inch busts who have undergone frontal lobotomies."
  --Tony Curtis
• "Men often say, 'Women! Who could ever understand them?' Don't ask a lesbian for the answer. All you'll get is a sympathetic nod."
  --by Joanne Brigden
• When your wife says, "What do you think?" she is not asking for YOUR opinion. She is asking for HER opinion, from your mouth.
• "WOMAN, n. An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. The species is the most widely distributed of all beasts of prey, infesting all habitable parts of the globe."
  --Ambrose Bierce's DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
• Women: you can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.
  --Emo Phillips
• Science magazine came out with a report on the difference between men and women's brains.
  Apparently women are more controlled by a part of the brain called singletgyrus.
  Men are more controlled by a part of the brain known as the penis.
  
  
  

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A Quickie

A man went into a cafe. The waitress asked him what he wanted. "A quickie," the man replied. The waitress gave him a dirty look and asked him again. "I want a quickie," the man repeated. The waitress slapped his face and ordered him out. As he was leaving another diner said to him, "I think it's pronounced quiche."
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Apartment for Rent

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500.  So they do.  Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
  

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price.  So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
  

Dear Madam,

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment.  I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
because when I rented the apartment, I was under the
impression that:

1)      it had never been occupied;
2)      that there was plenty of heat;
3)      that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously
occupied,  that  there wasn't any heat, and that it was
entirely too large.
   

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the
check for $250 with the following note:
   

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.  As for the
heat, there is plenty of it, if  you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular
size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it,  please do
not blame the landlady.

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Seems God was just about done creating the universe

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.

And so it was. And it was...well, good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
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Real life role reversal

A journalist from CNBC did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," she said, "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"
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Tips for a perfect weekend?!

HER PERFECT DAY:

8.45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9.00 Five pounds lighter on the scale
9.30 Light breakfast
11.00 Sunbathe
12.30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1.45 Shopping
2.30 Run into boyfriend's or husband's ex and find she's put on thirty pounds
3.00 Facial, massage and nap
7.30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10.00 Make love
11.30 Pillow talk and fall asleep in his big, strong arms

HIS PERFECT DAY

6.45 Wake up
7.00 Shower and massage
7.30 Blowjob
7.45 Massive dump while reading Sports Section
8.15 Limo arrives; Bloody Marys on way to airport
8.45 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia
10.00 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club
12.00 Lunch: two dozen oysters and a few Heinekens
12.30 Blowjob
12.45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club
2.30 Limo back to Augusta airport to take private jet to Nassau, Bahamas
3.30 Afternoon fishing with all-female, topless crew. Catch 1,250-pound blue marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers plus a few more Heinekens, followed by a nap
6.15 Blowjob
6.30 Return flight with full body massage by topless stewardess
7.30 Shit, shower and shave
8.00 Watch CNN coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in same scandal (which includes graphic pictures of unusual positions and large farm animals) 9.00 Dinner at the Ritz: Oysters Casino, magnum of Dom Perignon, fettucine Alfredo, 20-oz. filet mignon steaks, Gorgonzola salad, magnum of 1963 Chateau Lafitte Rothschild, creme brule, cigars and a Luis XII cognacs, Cohiba Lancero. 10.30 Sex with three women (at least two of mixed race origin) 11.30 Whirlpool, steam bath and massage. Women then get dressed quietly and leave in a taxi
12.00 Fall asleep
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How NOT to spice up your sex life...

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life buddy?"

The other guy says, "Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest half-way through. It's very frustrating."

The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago."

The other guy says, "OK, I think I'll try that."

The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, How did you get on with the starter pistol?"

The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the starter pistol, just like you said."

The first guy says, "So what happened?"

The other guy says, "She bit my dick, pissed all over me, and a man came out of the closet with his hands up!"
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Some Basic Truths

• Men are Lunatics, Women are Nuts...
• Women have more imagination than men...
  They need it to tell men how wonderful they are.
• Women have their faults. Men have only two:
  Everything they say. Everything they do.
• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed...
  Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
• When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
  Men invade another country.
  It's a whole different way of thinking.
• A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants.
  A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.
• When a man gives his opinion, he's a man.
  When a woman gives her opinions, she's a bitch.
• It's not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who can simulate foolishness whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence.
• Men always want to be a woman's first love.
  Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's last romance.
• The only way to understand a woman is to love her -and then it isn't necessary to understand her.
• To women, love is an occupation.
  To men, a preoccupation.
• To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
  To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
  A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
• Men marry because they are tired.
  Woman because they are curious. Both are disappointed.
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
  A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her;
  A man, of the woman who he didn't.
• There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - Before marriage and after marriage.
• Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy.
  One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
• Married men live longer than single men,
  But married men are a lot more willing to die.
• Any married man should forget his mistakes...
  No use in two people remembering the same thing.
• Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
• Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year.
• A woman has the last word in any argument.
  Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
• If women knew what we were thinking, they'd never stop slapping us.
• Women have two weapons - cosmetics and tears.
• Women may be the only group that grows more radical with age.
• God made man before woman...
  To give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
• If Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a pint, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
• When the bill arrives, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20, even though the bill is only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
• A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
• A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
• Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
• A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

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A Brain Transplant

A patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.

"Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive and you will have to pay the costs yourselves." "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.

"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."

Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"

"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."
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The Bakery

A local bakery decided to hire a part-time counter person who could work weekends and evenings. She had one eccentric characteristic about her (which was unknown when she was hired). She wore very short skirts and no underwear.

Needless to say she was a real beauty and had a figure to die for. The bakery had a small storefront so it was necessary to have the various products on shelves and then use a ladder to reach the uppermost items. The item that had previously been the least popular but was fast becoming the most popular with gentlemen was raisin bread, which was kept on the uppermost shelf.

One day an elderly gentleman came into the bakery and ordered a loaf of bread. The young lady, without thinking, scurried up the ladder and then realized she had not asked him what kind of bread he wanted. So she asked "raisin?"

"No, he replied, but it is beginning to twitch a little."
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Simple Accounting

Politically Correct Man-Woman-Speak

How to speak about women and be politically correct:

She is not a BABE or a CHICK. She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER. She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY. She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT. She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB. She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND. She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not GET YOU EXCITED. She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

She is not KINKY. She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.

She does not have a KILLER BODY. She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

She is not an AIRHEAD. She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY. She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY. She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS. She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU. She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

She is not a SLUT. She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS. She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

She is not a TWO BIT WHORE. She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

How to speak about men and be politically correct:

He does not have a BEER GUT. He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER. He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME. He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING. He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER. He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK. He becomesACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS. He develops a case of RECTAL-ANAL INVERSION.

He is not a SEX MACHINE. He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG. He has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT. He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES. He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT.
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His Story - Her Story

How to Handle an Assertive Woman

Women's Ultimate Fantasy Defined

God Proposes a Companion for Adam

Things Never to Say When Arguing With a Woman


Don't you have some laundry to do, or something?

Ooh, you are so cute when you get all upset.

Wait a minute, I get it... What time of the month is it?

You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?

Sorry, I was just picturing you naked.

Whoa, time out honey, Frasier's back.

Looks like someone had an extra bowl of Bitch Flakes this morning.

I could so use some oral sexual stimulation right now.

Hey baby-if I want a lecture about commitment, I can get one from my real wife.

Who are you kidding? We both know that thing isn't loaded.
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Girls vs. Boys

One day a little girl, around 8 years of age, is outside of her house in the driveway jumping rope. A little boy, around the same age, walks by and sees her. He is holding a football under his arm. He stops directly in front of her. The little girl looks at the ball and is mesmerized because she has never really played football before. She asks the little boy "Can I have your football?". The little boy replies, "No! Cause this is a boy's football and a girl can't have one. The little girl runs inside crying to her mother.

The next day the girl is outside playing with sidewalk chalk when the same boy rides by on his bicycle. He stops by the girl's house to see what she is up to and if she has gotten over her crying fest. The little girl immediately runs into her garage and picks up a football which her mother had bought for her the previous evening. She teases, "hahahahahaha". The boy becomes angry... and points to his bike, and says "See this bike, this is a boy's bike and a girl can't have one". Again, the girl runs inside crying to her mother.

The next day the girl is outside playing with dolls when the little boy walks by. The little girl runs into the garage and comes out riding on a bike identical to the boy's bike that she had seen yesterday, which her mother had just bought for her. The boy is really angry by now. As a response, he pulls down his pants and points to his private parts. He says... see this, this is something ONLY BOYS have, and a girl can definitely not have one of these! The girl runs in crying to her mother once again.

The next day the boy walks by again, this time the little girl is just sitting down in the grass. He says "So, what do you have to say now?" The little girls gives a smirk and pulls up her dress and points to her private parts. She replies, "'My mommy says, as long as I have one of these (as she points to hers, and then points to his) I can have as many of those as I want!"
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Mr. Potato Head the Perfect Man

The finalist has been named in the worldwide search for the perfect man.

After careful consideration and endless debate, The Perfect Man has been named....MR. POTATO HEAD.

He's tan. He's cute. He knows the importance of accessorizing.

And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.
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On Changing Diapers...

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.

"I'm busy," he said. "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again. The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife. "I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby."
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Why Husbands Aren't Secretaries

Husband's note to wife:
"Your doctor's office called; said Pabst beer is normal."
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He Said... She Said

He said...  Want a quickie?
She said...As opposed to what?

He said...  I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

He said...  Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said...  "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
She said..."No problem, I'll get you some that is."

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said...  It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said...  Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

Priest...  'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'

He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said...No, have you?

He said...  Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said...  What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said...  Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.
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When a Man Volunteers to Cook...

When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

(1) The woman goes to the store.
(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."

And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
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Pretend I'm Having a Heart Attack and...

Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."

So she drove the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."
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You Must Have Gotten Cheaper Gas

When the family car developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she had bought special non-leaded or regular gas, but she couldn't remember.

"You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could account for the engine running so rough."

"No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly.

"Well, how much did it cost?" asked the husband probingly.

"It cost the same as always." said the wife. "I told the man to put in the usual ten dollars worth."
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Never Go Fishing With Your Husband

"So, what's the matter?" asked one woman of her friend over coffee. "I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband."

"Oh, everything went wrong," the second woman answered. "First, he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish. Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon.

"All that might have been all right; but then, to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"
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Selective Hearing

What the woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon,

you and I need to clean up,

Your stuff is lying on the floor

and you'll have no clothes to wear,

if we don't do laundry right now!?"

What the man hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON

blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I

blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR

blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES

blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
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But What I Came to Buy is a New Tie

A man was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale's when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter.

He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam."

She smiled pleasantly and asked, "And what would you like?"

"What would I like? I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth. And then I'd like to suck on your beautiful tits and bite your nipples lightly
... But what I came to buy is a new tie."
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Questions on Pregnancy From Men and Women

Here are a few answers to commonly asked pregnancy questions by both men and women. First, the questions from women:

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

And, from men:

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the words "alimony" and "child support" mean anything to you?

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
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A Husband Doing the Laundry

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
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Handy Hormone Hostage Guide

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This "Handy Hormone Hostage Guide" should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: Y'know, I've always loved you in that robe.
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Just Like a Man

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?"

"No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing."

As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Just like a man."
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Great Discoveries

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man was all fucked up after that.
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Women Believe...

Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum-sucking, fucking assholes!
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Make Me Feel Like a Woman

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.

"I can make you feel like a woman," he says.

He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.

He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."
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How to Shower Like a Man / Woman

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Complain because your husband had been eating your ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
11. Rinse conditioner off hair.
12. Shave armpits and legs.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
16. Check entire body for zits, tweeze unwanted hairs.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face.
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Taste your wife's ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
13. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
14. Pee.
15. Rinse off and get out of shower.
16. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
17. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
18. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
19. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
20. Throw wet towel on bed.
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The Perfect Woman and the Perfect Man

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is:
Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep-a scrollin'...

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
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God Creates Eve

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "this pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history....
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What a Woman Says, What a Man Hears

This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears

blah, blah, blah, blah....C'MON

blah, blah, blah, blah....YOU AND I

blah, blah, blah, blah....ON THE FLOOR

blah, blah, blah, blah....NO CLOTHES

blah, blah, blah, blah....RIGHT NOW
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What Sex are They?

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female .. Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider this: it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
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Men and Women on Haircuts

Women on Haircuts

Haircuttee - Woman1
Haircut Noticer - Woman2

2: Oh! That's so cute!

1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. <etc, ad nauseam>

Men on Haircuts

Haircuttee - Man1

Haircut Noticer - Man2

2: Haircut?

1: Yeah.
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As Women Age

The difference between women at the ages of 8, 18, 28, 38, 48 and 58.

8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed.
38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
58 - You stay in bed all day to avoid her story.
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Important Information for Women

Discover the Benefits of Worshiping & Adoring Your Man's Penis!

Every blowjob you give, adds one month to your life.

If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five porterhouse steaks, but contains only 150 calories.

A hand-job a day keeps arthritis away.

Every ten minutes of dry humping is equivalent to ten minutes on the treadmill.

Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.

Intercourse prevents divorce.

Regular fucking releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of brain cells.

Sex eliminates headaches.

Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard" triples your chances of getting into heaven.

Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.
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A Golfer Receives a Woman's Arm

A pro golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news." says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh god no!" cries the man. "My career is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant"

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and 6 months later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great" says the business man. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great." said the surgeon

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors"

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a success."

"Well there is one problem," said the golfer, "every time I try to jerk off I get a headache!"
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The Man Who Wouldn't Listen

There was a man on an airplane on his way home. He was sitting first class and really needed to drop a load. There was a line for the men's restroom so he asked the flight attendant if he could use the women's restroom. She told him he could but to remember not to press any buttons.

Well, he was sitting on the toilet doing his business, and he was fascinated by all the buttons. He figured the flight attendant would never know the difference, so he pressed a button labeled "BW". A warm stream of water started to wash his butt.

Next he tried a button labeled "BD", he suddenly felt warm air drying his butt off.

The next button he pressed was labeled "ATR". The next thing he knows he is lying in a hospital bed his wife, children, and, to his surprise, the flight attendant are all standing next to his bed.

"What happened?" he asked the flight attendant, "The last thing I remember is pressing a button labeled 'ATR'. What happened?"

"Well, "the flight attendant replied, 'ATR' stands for 'automatic tampon remover'."
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Things You'll Never Hear a ___ Say

Things you'll never hear a man say:

1) Here honey, you use the remote.
2) Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
3) While I'm up, can I get you anything?
4) Aww, forget Monday Night football, let's watch Ally McBeal.
5) Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
6) We never talk anymore.

Things you'll never hear a woman say:

1) What do you mean today's our anniversary?
2) Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
3) Ohh, this diamond is way too big! Don't you have something smaller?
4) Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
5) I don't care if it's on sale, $300 is way too much for a designer dress.
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What Gender is it?

ZIPLOC BAGS = male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

COPIER = female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. And it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

TIRE = male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON = male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES = female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE = female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY = male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS = female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER = male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL = female... Ha! You thought it would be male. But consider...it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying...
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The Husband Super Store

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...

First floor: The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor: The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor: This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."

"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor: This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor: The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are fucking impossible to please. The exit is to your left. We hope you fall down the stairs."
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Courses for Women

1. Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has before.

2. The undiscovered side of Banking: How to make deposits.

3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You don't need shoes everyday.

4. Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.

5. Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a wife.

6. Leisure Studies: An invitation to a party does not that you have to have a new outfit.

7. Man Management: Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.

8. Personal Space: Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partner's toothbrush.

9. Valuation: Just because it's not important to you.

10. Communication Skills I: Tears as the last resort and not the first.

11. Communication Skills II: How to think before speaking.

12. What he really wants: Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.

13. Driving a car safely: A skill you can also acquire.

14. Real women drink their share at a party.

15. Telephones: How to hang up.

16. Parking: Beginners Course.

17. Parking (Advanced): Reversing into a parking space.

18. The Natural Habitat of the Towel: Why they prefer the floor.

19. Managing your weight: It's not water retention... it's fat.

20. Learning to cook I: Bran is not food.

21. Learning to cook II: Bringing back bacon and eggs.

22. Compliments: How to accept them gracefully.

23. PMS: Your problem... not his.

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