Genie Jokes

The Jewish Genie
Dennis Rodman and the Genie
Monica Lewinsky Gets her Wish
3 Guys get their Wishes
A Spic, a N____r and a Honky Find a Magic Lamp 
Ole Has a 10-Inch Bic Lighter
Such an Unselfish Wish
Uncle Sam the Genie
A Man with a very Small Head
The Tiny Piano
You say you want a Bridge?
The Genie and the Aboriginal 
Two Gays Find a Magic Lamp 
An Irishman's Three Wishes
A Magic Frog Meets a Bear and a Rabbit

A Guy with a really small head...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a man sitting at the end with the smallest head he's ever seen. In fact, it is only about two inches high. So, he sits down next to him and asks, "How is that you have such a small head?"

The man replies, "Well you see, I was stranded on a deserted island and was combing the beach, when I came across an ornate bottle. When I opened it to see what was inside, a beautiful genie appeared and told me that I would be granted three wishes.

My first wish was for a luxurious boat to take me home."


The man continues, "A large yacht appeared just off shore. Then for my second wish, I asked to be wealthy, so I would want for nothing when I got home."


The man goes on, "After a large pile of gold coins appeared on the deck of the yacht, I asked to make passionate love to the genie for my third wish. The genie told me that she could not do that, so I asked, 'How about a little head?'"
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The Tiny Piano

So, this guy, Bill is sitting at the bar and pulls out this tiny little piano and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully. The fellow on the next bar stool, Joe says "That's amazing. Where did you get him?" Bill says" well I've got this lamp with a genie." So the other fellow says that's great! could I use it?" Bill says "sure " and hands him the lamp. Joe rubs the lamp and out comes the genie. He says" I want a million bucks".

Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks! Joe exclaims "Hey! I asked for I million BUCKS! not DUCKS!" Bill explained "Yes, the genie is a bit deaf. You don't think I really asked for a twelve inch pianist do you?

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The Jewish Genie

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls is out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Chasidic rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!"

"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."


The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."


The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women."


The Arab is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story is: If you do business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached.
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Dennis Rodman and the Genie

Dennis Rodman finds a bottle on the beach and picks it up..........suddenly a female genie appears from the bottle....
"Master, I may grant you one wish?" says the genie with a smile....

"Hey, Bitch... don't you know who I am?... I don't need no woman givin me nuttin!" barks Rodman....
The genie pleads..."But Master I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever."

Dennis thinks a moment...then rumbling about the inconvenience of it all ... he says "Ok, ok...I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in the morning, so just do it!" (giving the genie an evil glare) "Now leave me alone!" he screams....

So the annoyed genie says "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle....

Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance....

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Monica Lewinsky Gets her Wish

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.

"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaimed.

"No," said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."

"Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles, though.

Yes, that's it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed."

Poof! And just like that......her ears were gone.

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You Want a Bridge...?

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one." The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying, and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
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Three guys get their wishes

Three guys were walking in the desert, and they found a genie. The genie told them that he will grant a wish to each one of them.

The first guy wished for a Ferrari and got it.

The second guy wished for a mansion and got it.

The third guy wished for his dick to touch the ground.

So the genie cut off his legs.

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The Genie and the Aboriginal

An Aboriginal was walking along the beach when he found a bottle. He thought that he might be able to sell it and make some money so he started cleaning it up, rubbing it with his sleeve.

All of a sudden a genie popped out and said, "I will grant you three wishes, but wish carefully."

So the Aboriginal says, "I would love to be white!"

POOF!! He becomes white!

"For my second wish, I would love to be rich."

POOF!! He becomes rich, and is dressed in designer clothes and has a nice car.

"Okay" says the genie, "what is your third wish?"

"Hmm" says the Aboriginal, "this is something I have always wanted. I never want to have to work again!"

"Okay." says the genie.

POOF!! He is turned into an Aboriginal!
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Two Gays Find a Magic Lamp

Two gays go to a flea market and buy an oil lamp they both liked. When they returned home, one of them decided to shine it up. He rubbed it a couple of times and out came a genie.

The genie said, "Thank you for getting me out of that lamp! I've been stuck in there for years! For this, I will grant you three wishes!"

Well, that excited the gays and one of them said, "Thanks bunches, Mr. Genie!"  When the genie heard him, he jumped up and said "You're fags, aren't you?  I hate fags!  But I'm a fair genie, so I'll grant you one wish, and you better make it good!"

The gays huddled for a second and decided what they were going to ask for.  They told the genie their wish and the genie folded his arms and with a mighty puff of smoke disappeared.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.  As one of the gays opened the door, they found themselves looking at a member of the Klu-Klux-Klan who was holding up a hangman's noose. The Klansman hollered out, "Alright, which one of you was it that wanted to be hung like a n_____r?"
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Ole Has a 10-Inch Bic Lighter

The guys were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light. "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied, reached into his tackle box, and pulled out a BIC lighter 10 inches long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "vhere did yew get dat monster??"

"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."

"You haff a genie?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure, right here in my tackle box," says Ole.

"Could I see him?"

So Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie. Sven says, addressing the genie, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me yust vun vish? "Yes, I will", says the genie.

So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks, flying overhead.

Sven yells at Ole, "I asked for a million BUCKS, not Ducks!"

Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch BIC?"
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Such an Unselfish Wish

Irving was walking along the shore in Miami Beach when he spotted a lamp. He hurried to pick it up and ran behind his beach umbrella.

He decided to see if it was a magical lamp so he began rubbing it. Irving was happy to see a cloud of smoke and the appearance of a genie. "Oh thank you master for allowing me to escape from the lamp. For that, I will grant you one wish."

Irving thought about it for a few minutes, then turned to the genie and said, "All I want in life is to have the friendship and love of my brother once again. You see, several years ago, we got into a fight and haven't spoken to one another in years."

The genie was amazed, saying to Irving, "That is the most unselfish wish I have ever been asked to grant. Most people ask for money, big houses, fancy cars, or beautiful women. But your wish is so meager, so simple...I will gladly grant you your wish." With that, the genie folder his arms, nodded his head, and 'POOF!' a cloud of smoke appeared. "Your wish has been granted, master," the genie said.

Still curious, the genie asked Irving why he didn't wish for money. "Money?" Irving replied, "Shit, my brother owns half the real estate in Beverly Hills. The doctors only give him two weeks to live--I stand to inherit it from his estate!"
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A Magic Frog Meets a Bear and a Rabbit

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes . . . Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay!"
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Uncle Sam the Genie

Two Arabs are in a locker room taking a shower after their racquetball game when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt. "If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

"I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came oozing out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said," No shit."


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