Don't Miss the Original Geriatric Amusement Page!
Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies
target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money,
but in reality they never see any of it.
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association. It was great."
"Wow! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that
An old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat, when his wife said, "Where are you going ?"
The elderly man replied, "To the doctor."
Surprised his wife asked "Why, are you sick?"
"No," he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
With that his equally elderly wife got up out of her rocker and started putting on her sweater.
Surprised, he asked, "Where are you going?"
"I'm going to the doctor, too".
She said, matter-of-factly,
"If you're going to start using that rusty, old thing again, I'm
going to get a tetanus shot."
Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said, "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."
"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.
"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!"
"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.
"Years ago, when
we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible
headaches." He answered. "Now that we're older, she hasn't had
a headache in years."
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:
"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but being the lazy no- goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.
They simply wrote:
An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".
The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."
After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.
said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone,
but I couldn't remember who it was."
Flasher Accosts Three Old Ladies
There were three old
ladies sitting on a park bench talking amongst themselves when a flasher
came by. The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his
trench coat. The first old lady had a stroke. Then the second old lady
had a stroke. But, the third old lady had arthritis and couldn't
reach that far.
Mr. Goldstein's Penis Has Died
An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My penis died today."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his penis hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "I thought you told me your penis had died?"
he replied. "Today's the viewing."
An old lady in a nursing home was really hot to trot one day. She slipped into her nicest dress (with nothing on underneath) and proceeded down the hall to find her a stud. She came to the first door to see a bunch of men watching the big screen. She walked in, put her leg up on the lazy-boy and said, "SUPER PUSSY!"
The men just turned, looked her up and down and shook there heads. Still feeling frisky she walked down the hall to the next room where she saw another bunch of men. One was playing the piano, so she threw her leg up on the stool and yelled, "SUPER PUSSY!"
Again the men just shook there heads and turned away. She needed a man. So she continued to walk down the hall to the cafeteria. There she finds some men at a table. She throws her leg up on it and yells. "SUPER PUSSY!"
Well this old boy
stops in his tracks, checks her up and down real good, and says, "I
think I'll have the soup."
• I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
• You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
• Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?
• Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
• By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
• Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
• Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?
• A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
• Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
• You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
• At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.
• Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
• You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
• You're getting old
when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know about it till
the 4th of July
Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night,
Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Blondes, Brunettes and Redheads
There were two old men sitting on a park bench. A blonde woman walks by.
One old man says to the other one, "Ever sleep with a blonde?"
The other old man says, "Many a time. Many a time."
A brunette then walks by. The old man says to the other, "Ever sleep with a brunette?"
The other old man says, "Many a time. Many a time."
A redhead walks by, and the old man says to the other, "Ever sleep with a redhead?"
The other old man
says, "Not a wink."
An 80-year-old Man Confesses...
There was this eighty year old man who went into the church and entered the confessional. He said to the priest: "I am eighty years old, have a wife and four children and eleven grandchildren. I have always been faithful, but last night I met two eighteen year old girls and we made love all night."
"When was the last time you were at confession?" asked the priest.
"Never," said the old man, "I'm Jewish." "Then why are you telling me?" asked the priest.
everyone," said the old man.
Maybe You Could Just Drop it In
A little old couple in their eighties were sitting on the couch watching the Playboy Channel. He looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can still do that?" "Well, we can sure try!" she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom.
When he came out of
the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom
floor. "What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked. "Well,"
she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could
just drop it in!
A long-widowed man becomes interested in an acquaintance. In anticipation, he went into a drug store to buy a box of condoms, something he hadn't done in a long time. He found a box that costs $5.00 and took it up to the counter. The clerk rang it up and said, "That'll be $5.25."
The guy asks what
the extra 25 cents is for and the clerk replies that it's for tax. Hearing
this, the old guy replies, "Tacks? Geeze, we used to just roll them
Send me the Pearl and Re-bait the Trap
An elderly couple was on a cruise and the water was really rough. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched and searched, but couldn't find her. The captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we finally found your wife at the bottom of the ocean, and she was dead. As a side issue, the medical examiner found an oyster stuck in her vagina, and inside it as a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise."
The old man faxed
back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap. Regards,"
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Willie for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here, after all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns? I will give you three wishes." Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath, she uttered her first wish: "I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Willie, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said, "Oh, thank you, Fairy Godmother." The Fairy Godmother replied, "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her. Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish. What shall you have?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat, cowering in the corner, and says, "I wish for you to transform Willie, my faithful old cat, into a handsome young man." Magically, Willie suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a man, so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds began to swoop from the sky to sing at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother
again spoke. "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life."
And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For
a few eerie moments, Willie and Cinderella looked into each others eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man
she had ever seen. Then Willie walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed
in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He
leaned in close, blowing her soft golden hair with his warm breath as
he whispered, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"
WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
What Does She Have That I Don't? ...Parkinsons
Howard is a 95 year
old man who lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner,
Howard goes to the secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder
his accomplishments and long life.
An elderly spinster
called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see
the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they
set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into
Morris Develops a Drip After Sex
Morris a ninety-year
old man lived in a retirement home and got a weekend pass. He stopped
in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed
a seventy-year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender
to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As the evening progressed, Morris,
the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they
got it on.
82 Year-Old Loses His Virginity
- Bachelor Trenton Wilgins has gone public with some startling news. He
says that he has finally lost his virginity at the tender age of eighty-two!
He waited this long because he wanted to save himself for marriage but
couldn't wait any longer. Trenton said, "I didn't want to die without
having sex just once." Bizarre readers might want to know what the
octogenarian thought of his roll in the hay? "The sex was okay, but
it's not as good as a mess of barbecued ribs."
Old Lady Holds Her Hat While Her Dress Blows Up
There was a little
old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while
the wind blew her dress up around her face.
An elderly couple,
Sam and Bessie, are vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair
of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them,
wears them home, walking proudly.
Bessie looks again,
LONDON, England All
of London was abuzz recently when nine residents of the Edith Scarborough
Nursing Home were told that they must find a new place to live after they
attempted a late-night orgy. That's right, they were caught in the recreation
room attempting to have a sex party to the exotic sounds of the rumba
music. Their ages ranged from 78 to 95.
Miss Annie Has a Condom on Her Organ
Miss Annie was in
her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and
she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a
seat while she prepared a little tea.
The Damned Things are Growing Wild
There was a man who
really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every
day. One morning he looked into the mirror admiring his body and noticed
that he was suntanned all over, with the exception of his penis. So he
decided to do something about that. He went to the beach, completely undressed
himself, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he
left sticking out of the sand.
I Just Subtracted 274 from Tuesday
Three old men are
at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man,
"What is three times three?"
Two old ladies are
walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other
later the first old lady said. "My! Did you see that statue of the
naked man back there?"
If You're Going To Start Using That Rusty Old Thing Again...
An old man in his
eighties got up and was putting on his coat, when his wife said, "Where
are you going ?"
Two old ladies were
outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over
her cigarette, and continued smoking.
An old geezer in an
old people's home takes a fancy to a woman resident. One day he plucks
up the courage to go and talk to her and after a while he says he would
like to make love to her. She agrees, and says that when everybody else
goes on a day trip they should stay behind at the home and get it on.
A feisty little old
lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened
gallery. One of the contemporary paintings caught her eye and she inquired
of the tour guide, "What on earth is that?"
a Barbie I can relate to!
An Octogenarian's Wedding Night
man marries a lovely 25-year-old woman. Because her new husband is so
old, the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate
suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could over exert himself.
After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on
the door she is expecting.
Arizona: Sun City is a retirement community in Arizona, where the average
age is about 78. A recent epidemic of public sexual displays...on
the golf courses, on park benches, and other recreational areas has caused
quite an uproar.
A 78-Year-Old Man's Secret to Staying in Shape
incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again?"
Don't Pay Any Attention To Him - He's Senile
are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary - they go down to their
old school - there, in a corner, they hold hands as they find their old
desk where he had carved, "I love you, Sally."
Let's Have Sex Against The Fence...
An elderly couple
is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband
leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we
had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where
you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this...two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so's there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this. After about half and hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, 'That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.'
As the couple pass, he says to them "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
no secret," the old man says, "except that fifty years ago that
damn fence wasn't electric."
Streaking Through the Flower Show
Two old men
were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower
show was in progress.
couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to
marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding
how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements
and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject
of their sexual relationship.
Describing What They Could Buy For a Penny
ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated
with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she once could
buy for a penny.
Amazingly Effective Wrinkle Remover
couple go camping for the first time in a good long while. There they
are, sitting by the cracking fire, and the woman says to her husband,
"I think I'll go take off my bra since no one is around."
Re-telling An African Hunting Story
at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced
to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See
that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member
and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."
Jury Duty Exemption for Her Age
Just as she
was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice.
She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that she was exempt
because of her age.
A Telephone Conversation Overheard
help overhearing a man at a nearby pay phone. "I know it's something
you want," he said earnestly, "but I don't think tattoos are
a good idea. And the same goes for body piercing. As long
as you're living in my house, I think you should respect my wishes."
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.
"So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest."
"That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear," the man said.
An 84-Year-Old Wants a Divorce
An old lady
tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce.
"A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how
old are you?"
Getting Her Husband to Stop Biting His Nails
were discussing their husbands over tea.
Whole Wheat Bread is the Secret
very elderly men were having a conversation about sex. Elmer says, "Yessir,
I did it three times last night with a 30-year-old!"
A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 60 year old responded, "Who said he was dead?"
The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"
The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60 year old responded again, "Who said he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"
The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."
The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"
looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he wanted to?"
I Think My Wife's Hearing is Going
A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"
The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, Honey?"
He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer.
Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"
"For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf bastard!"
An elderly couple in a retirement community was surprised by a knock on their door late one night. Morris, the husband got up to answer the door, only to find a huge and intimidating man staring back at him.
"Oh, this is terrible! I'm going to be robbed and lose all my money!" the old man screamed.
"I'm not a robber," said the man in disgust. "I am a rapist."
thank goodness!" said Morris with much relief. Then he shouted, "Elaine,
it's for you!"
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection. The light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!!"
to her and said, "Oh Shit! Am I driving?"
Registering for Wedding Gifts at a Pharmacy
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 85, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.
Jacob suggests that they go in, where he addresses the man behind the counter:
you the owner?"
you sell heart medication?"
about medicine for circulation?"
for rheumatism? "
about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
to Rebecca and says, "Sweetheart, I guess we might as well register
our wedding gift list with these guys!"
They have finally found a diagnosis for my condition. Hooray! I have recently been diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it goes:
I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to wash the car. But first I'm going to go through the mail. I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the trash is full.
OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trash can out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first.
Now, where is my checkbook? Oops, there's only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk. Oh, there's the Coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those checks.
But first I need to put my Coke further away from the computer, or maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while. I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some water. I set the Coke on the counter and uh oh!
There are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put the away first. I fill the container with water and head for the flowerpots. Aaaagh! Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We will never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs. I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do?
End of Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the Coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys!
When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!! !! I realize this is a serious condition and Ill get help, BUT FIRST I think I'll check my email.
this to everyone you know because I DON'T REMEMBER WHO I'VE SENT THIS
TO!!! But please don't send it back to me or I might send it to you again!
let my doctor check me
find no real disorder
To the hospital
he sent me
I was fluoroscoped
I was checked
for worms and parasites,
to check me over,
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms...Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc....
The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man
hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I
forgot her name about 10 years ago."
There is a merry family gathering with all generations around the table. The little children (naughty little rascals) smuggle a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink.
After a while, Grandpa excuses himself because he has to go to the bathroom. When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over.
"What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children.
he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom." "So I took it
out, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"
Grandpa Honks the Horn by Mistake
Grandpa was driving with his 9-year-old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
"Because you didn't say "asshole!" afterwards.
8 Signs Your Grandparents Are Sexually Active
8. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
7. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
6. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."
5. Granny found cuffed to her walker.
4. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
3. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.
2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
adjustable bed set for "doggy style."
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.
so tough about being 80?"
An elderly couple is sitting in their living room when the old woman leans over and says, "Remember when we were younger and you used to hold my hand?"
The old man smiles and nods and grabs his wife's hand.
Then she says, "Remember when we were younger and you used to put your arm around me?"
He puts his arm around her.
Then she says, "Remember when we were younger and you used to nibble my ear?"
To the woman's surprise, the old man gets up off the couch and starts to walk away. "Honey, where are you going?" she says.
The old man
replies, "I'm going to get my dentures."
An 80 year old man goes in to see the doctor.
Doctor says, "What is the problem?"
Old man says, "Well, it's my wife. Our sex life has gone down hill drastically."
The doctor replies, "How long have you been married?"
Old man, "30 years next month."
Doctor, "When did you first start noticing this?"
"Well, first last night, and then again this morning."
She's Forgotten Her Best Friend's Name
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and stared at
her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?
An Old Woman Sobbing on a Bench
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."
I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.
I said, "Well,
why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember
where I live!"
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000...please advise."
The old man
faxed back: "Send me the pearl, and re-bait the trap."
There were two old-maid sisters... both virgins. One Friday night Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin. I'm going out and I'm not coming home until I've been laid!"
Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you."
10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock... 12 o'clock... Finally about 12:45, the front door flies open and in runs Gladys... heading straight for the bathroom.
Betty growing concerned, knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys?"
No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.
"What is it, Gladys? What's wrong?" asks Betty.
it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When
I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!"
An old man, vacationing in Nevada, decides to visit a brothel, as it has been a long time since he's had any. After paying the madam, he picks out a cute little blonde girl, and they go upstairs. After the preliminaries, he climbs on and starts humping away, and hollers out, "How am I doing, honey?"
She replies, "About three nots."
He says, "Three knots? What does that mean?"
"You're not in, you're not hard, and you're not getting your money
First, Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second, The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third, Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know" why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth, When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth, You know you are getting old when every thing either dries up or leaks.
Sixth, I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh, One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth, One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth, Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth, Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh
at when you are old.
Exam for Seniors
2. The bottle
top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used?
3. Why was
having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
4. What was
the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?
5. What method
did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were
available due to rationing during W.W.II?
6. What postwar
car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether
it was coming or going?
was a popular candy when you were a kid?
8. How was
Butch wax used?
inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?
10. As a
kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?
be down to get you in a ________, Honey"
was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?
did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed
out in school?
17. Why did
your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?
the Lord, and pass the _________?
was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver"
20. Who left
his heart in San Francisco?
12 - 16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy.
0 - 11 correct:
You are a sad excuse for a geezer or you are younger than springtime!
Mildred Decides to Commit Suicide
Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally? Emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself and have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, poof! The light goes on & I go to the bathroom and then poof! The light goes off!"
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! The light goes off?"
"Dammit! The son of a bitch has been pissing in the fridge again!"
Two old men were sitting on a bench in the park one day and one man said to the other, "Slim, I feel 82 years old. All these aches and pains are a sign of old age. How do you feel?"
said, "I feel like a newborn babe. No hair, no teeth and I think
I just shit my pants."
Two elderly ladies were sitting on a bench waiting for a bus, when one looked at the other and said, "I hate it when the buses run late. I've been sitting here so long that my butt has fallen asleep."
To which the other lady says, "I know. I heard it snoring."
40 feet long and smells like piss?
Grandma & grandpa laying in bed one night, when grandma says to grandpa, "Hey, grandpa now that your retired, is there anything that you always wanted but never got?"
"Yeh, there is", said grandpa.
"What is it?" asked grandma. "Maybe I can get it for you."
"Well, grandma, I always wanted a blow-job," said grandpa.
"A blow-job is what you want, then a blow-job is what you'll get. But I don't know how to give you one," said grandma.
Grandpa says, "Well I've often heard the boys at the plant before I retired, say that in order to get it right, their wives practiced on Ketchup bottles."
Grandma says, "O.K. I'll practice all day tomorrow and give you a blow-job when we go to bed."
night grandpa was waiting patiently with a super hard-on. Grandma approached
grandpa, grabbed his penis with her left hand and began punching the top
of grandpa's penis with her right hand.
An 80 year old man goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor is amazed at his shape. "To what do you attribute your good health?"
I am a turkey hunter and that's why I am in good shape. Get up before daylight, chase turkeys up and down mountains."
The doctor says, "Well, I'm sure it helps, but there have to be genetic factors. How old was your dad when he died?"
"Who says he's dead?"
"You're 80 years old and your dad is still alive. How old is he?"
"Dad's 100. In fact, he hunted turkeys with me this morning."
"What about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
"Who says my grandpa's dead?"
"You're 80 years old and your your grandfather's still living? How old is he?"
"I suppose you're going to tell me he went turkey hunting this morning?"
"No. He got married."
The doctor looks at the man in amazement. "Got married? Why would a 118 year old man want to get married?"
The old timer answers, "Who says he wanted to?"