Honest -- that's the way it happened... A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog's reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, " What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old BLONDE girl. "And
that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room." Friend of mine named Dan hates to lose at golf. He was in a foursome when his ball landed in a sand trap. Hidden from view, the rest of us could hear him as he hacked away at the ball. When he finally drove it out, and rejoined us, I asked him how many strokes that was. "Three." he replied. "Come on," said another member of the group. "I heard six at least!" "Three..."
replied Dan "the rest were echoes." A golfer who was known for his bad temper walked into the pro shop one day and plunked down big bucks for a new set of Woods. The staff all watched to see what would happen after he used them for the first time - more than half expecting he'd come in and demand his money back. But the next time he came in, he was all smiles. "They're the
best clubs I've ever had," he said. "In fact, I've discovered
I can throw them at least 40 yards farther than I could my last ones." Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies"Not too bad! How's the golf?" Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now." Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while, then the next time I play, it seems to be all right. Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?" Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years." And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?" Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." "But, how do you putt?", asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice." Woods asks: "What's your handicap? Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch Golfer." Woods, incredulous says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole." Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?" Stevie says, "Pick
a night, any night!" There's No Way You Can Hit Her From Here A golfer stood over
his tee shot for a long time, looking up, looking down, measuring the
distance and figuring the wind. All this was driving his partner nuts. I Didn't Have Time to Yell Fore! A golfer hits a wicked
slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway
narrowly missing another golfer. WIMBOURNE, Dorset
- Brian Farley must have been wearing his lucky golf shoes after a wayward
tee shot, that was heading straight a water hazard, bounced off the head
of a dead fish and on to the fairway. Farley, 50, completed the hole in
a respectable three shots before fishing the pike, with a golf ball-sized
dent in its head, out of the lake to back up his amazing good luck story.
The fish head, complete with golf ball imprint, has been stuffed and is
hanging on the clubhouse wall. The rest of the pike was fed to Farley's
cat. Sid and Barney head
out for their usual 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, "let's say we make
the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest
score for the day." Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After
the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the
rough on the 9th. Golfer in the Confessional for Foul Language A man goes to the
confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." Is THAT when you swore?"
asks the amazed Priest. Did you swear THEN?" asked the impatient Priest. No, because as the
ball fell, it struck a tree, bounced through some
Worst Golf Foursome Ever! I Don't Think You Gave it Enough Gas Two
couples went out golfing together. The men hit first from the men's tee
and walked with the ladies to their tee box. MacDermott
and MacDuff were sitting in the clubhouse on a raw, blustery day, thawing
their beards in front of the fireplace while freezing rain beat against
the windows. Golf can
best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional
miracle. "Do
you want your driver?" "The trees taunt you; the sand mocks you; the water calls your name... and they say golf is a quiet game." -Anonymous "I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game. It is called an eraser." -Arnold Palmer If you are afraid a full shot might reach the green while the group ahead are still putting, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there. If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme Putt", you might wish to reconsider this game. "It's
good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they are still rolling."
-Mark Twain Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee... It
was a sunny Saturday morning, and Murray was beginning his pre-shot routine,
visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker
- "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee back up to the men's tee,
please!" I've Got Five Bucks Says He Misses the Water Bill was
having a really bad day on the golf course. Right around the 14th hole,
it seems he had missed one putt too many. He let loose with a fairly impressive
string of profanities, grabbed his putter, and stormed off toward the
lake by the 15th tee.
I Didn't Realize You Had Played Before, Sir A golfer,
now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play one hole at
Pebble Beach, California the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball
out over the water onto the green that is on a spit of land that juts
out off the coast. Brawl Breaks Out on Golf Course SPARTANBURG,
South Carolina - A group of four men went to the Village Greens golf course
for a friendly round of golf one afternoon. The game turned vicious, however,
when three of them asked the fourth player, Victor Earley, 39, to leave
because of his annoying behavior. Early left, but quickly returned in
a golf cart to play behind the group and harass them. A fist fight ensued,
during which Early swung a golf club at one of the men, Paul Hughes. In
retaliation, Hughes pulled out a hunting knife and cut Earley across the
chest. Hughes has been charged with serious assault and battery for the
offense, and Lt. Ron Gahagan said, "The impression the officers had
is that they really didn't like this guy, but they decided to let him
play because he is related to one of them in some capacity." A Problem Getting Out of Sand Traps An Octogenarian
who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country
Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told there
wasn't anybody he could play with because they were already out on the
course. The Weather is so Bad he Goes Back to Bed There's
a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a golf fanatic. Every Saturday
morning he has an early tee time. He gets up very early and golf's all
day long. A golfer whose cart broke down on a Sun City street flagged down a passing bus and got aboard. He sat down on the bus, with his pants pockets full of golf balls, next to a little old lady. The old lady kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pants. Finally, after many such glances from her he said, "It's golf balls." The little
old lady continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally said, "Does
it hurt as much as tennis elbow?" Toward the
end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the
woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get
his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup
in the patch. Golf is
a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of
you, and the fastest are those behind. Two men
are talking at work Monday morning. "What did you do this weekend?" A one-wood
golf club walks into a bar and asks the barman for a beer but the barman
refuses to serve him. In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering savage cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression. In America they call it golf. Golfer: Notice
any improvement since last year? "The
trees taunt you; the sand mocks you; the water calls your name... and
they say golf is a quiet game." "I have
a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game. It is called an
eraser." A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk my son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else." The boy stared wide-eyed and said, "Yes." The father continued, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal. It's called golf." Three members
of a golf club were arguing loudly while the fourth member of their group
lay dead in a bunker. A club official was called to calm the row, "What's
the trouble here?" he asked. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. --Unknown Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. --Jim Bishop Reverse every
natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and
you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing. --Ben
Hogan He was 250
yards off the green today and used a 3-wood. When I'm that far away, I
use a cab. Once there
was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Three guys
are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler
about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?" Yeah, But I Was Using the Urinal at the Time Roger and
Charlie emerged from he clubhouse to tee off at the first hole, but Roger
looked distracted. A golfer
hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle. When
it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into
the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard
2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him. It hit him in
the head and killed him.
A Golfer Retrieves His Clubs From the Lake...
Version 2: A golfer is playing a round of golf with his buddies. On the sixth hole he proceeds to splash five balls in a row into the water. Frustrated over his poor golfing ability, and about ready to hit somebody, he heaves his golf clubs into the water, and begins to walk off the course. Then all of a sudden he turns around and jumps back in the lake, his buddies apparently thinking he is going to retrieve his clubs. When he comes out of the water he doesn't have his clubs and begins to walk off the course. One of his buddies asks, "Why did you jump into the lake?" He responds, "I left my car keys in the bag." One is My Wife and the Other is My Mistress Two men
were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front
of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course,
and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf
etiquette. Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty in Golf but Aren't 10. Nuts...my
shaft is bent And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't: 1. Hold up...I
need to wash my balls first A Young Golfer Picks Up An Elderly Partner A young
man who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare
one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could
get in 9 holes before he had to head home. The Most Profane Silence I've Ever Heard A distinguished
clergyman and a friend were playing golf. It was a very close match, and
at the last hole the two were only one stroke apart. The clergyman teed
up, addressed the ball, and swung his driver with great force...slicing
the ball deep into the woods. Teaching His Wife to Play Golf This fellow's
wife was constantly nagging him to teach her to play golf. Finally, one
morning he relented and off they go. First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very
pretty. The husband steps up first and says, "Now watch me, and do
the same thing." He hits a beautiful shot, lands on the green with
about 30 feet to the cup. You Have to Know the Bus Schedule At a golf
course, four men approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway ran
along a road and bike path fenced off on the left. The first golfer teed
off and hooked the ball in that direction. The ball went over the fence
and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of
a moving bus and was knocked back on to the fairway. As they all stood
in amazement, one man asked him, "How on earth did you do that?" She Should Have Taken Golf Lessons Instead A foursome
is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of ladies are hitting from
the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when the last one
is finally ready to hit the ball, she hacks at it and it only goes about
10 feet. She walks up to it and hacks away again... another 10 feet. The Groom Has His Clubs at the Wedding The bride
came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing
there with his golf bag and clubs by his side. The Best Club for this Fairway is a Five Iron A man goes
to his golf club and, hearing that his regular caddy will not be in that
day, hires another caddy. The day goes along pretty well and the new caddy
seems quite knowledgeable. Upon arriving at the 9th fairway, that has
always been particularly tricky for the golfer, the man turns to the boy
and asks, "Which club do you think I should use for this shot?" They All Look the Same Size to Me My daughter's
boyfriend was going to teach her to play golf and figured that the best
place to start was the driving range. Upon arrival my daughter sees a
sign that says the golf balls rent by the bucket.. large $4.50, medium
$3.00 and small $1.50. She turned to her boyfriend and said "How
can you tell the large balls from the small balls, they all look the same
size to me".. Two women were talking the other day over tea. "Did I tell you that my husband has taken up golf?" the first lady asked her friend. "No, as a matter of fact, you didn't," her friend replied, "How's he doing?" "Evidently, very well," said the first lady. "He's
only played three times, but his friends tell me that he's already throwing
his clubs as far as men who've been playing the game for years!" Golfer: "I
think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Golfer: "I'd
move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Golfer: "Do
you think my game is improving?" Golfer: "Do
you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Golfer: "You've
got to be the worst caddy in the world." Golfer: "Please
stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." Golfer: "How
do you like my game?" Golfer: "Do
you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?" Golfer: "This
is the worst course I've ever played on." Golfer: "That
can't be my ball, it's too old." Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 25-foot putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?" His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, "I can make this putt." His pals
are still trying to collect on the bet and grandpa is too. A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatsoever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro. "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally managed to speak. "Oh
great!" said the beginner in a disgusted tone, "NOW you tell
me." An Irishman is trying to learn golf and having a terrible time of it. "I'd give just about anything to get this right," he says aloud. Straight on, the devil appears and says, "Anything?" "Well, short of selling my soul, yes." "How about giving up sex for the rest of your life?" "Done and done!" He finishes the game in rare good form and rumor of his deal spreads thru the clubhouse. One of the members, a reporter, sees a story here and asks him, "Sir, is it true you made a deal with the devil to become a great golfer?" "True, enough," replied the Irishman. "And you gave up sex as your part of the bargain?" asked the reporter. "True again!" replied the Irishman. "And may I have your name, sir?" asks the reporter. "Certainly--it's
Father Michael O'Ryan!" One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine -- in search of his lost ball. The brush
is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something
shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is, in fact,
a 7-iron in the Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here." Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter?" Jim shouts
back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 8 iron! You can't get out of
here with a 7!" Sid and Barney
head out for their usual 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, "let's say we
make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on
the lowest score for the day." Barney agrees and they enjoy a great
game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball
into the rough on the 9th. 1. Back straight,
knees bent, feet shoulder width apart. Well done.
Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off! An American was golfing at the Old Course in St. Andrews, Scotland. He slices his opening drive out of bounds onto the beach, so he tees another one up and smacks it right down the middle. The golfer turns to his old Scottish caddy and tells him that in America that is called a "Mulligan" and asks him if there is a name for it in Scotland. The caddy
replies, "AYE, we call it a three." She Was Asking Too Many Questions Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men. Mary: Tell me about it! I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I asked too many questions! Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask? Mary: I thought
I asked legitimate questions...like, "Why did you hit the ball into
that lake?" A Man is Found Holding a 5-Iron A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground. The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?" "Yes." "Did you hit her with that golf club?" "Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head. "How many times did you hit her?" "I don't
know. Five...six ...put me down for a five." Maybe You Should Use an Old Ball Two men were playing golf together for the very first time. The first player teed off and hit the ball into a clump of trees. He finally got onto the fairway, only to hit the ball into a water hazard. The next shot resulted in a new ball flying over a fence onto a busy street. The second player said, "Maybe you should use an old ball for this shot." The first
player replied, "I don't have any old balls." A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms just to be friendly. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and he is counting his $80, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers. The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest
says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.
And if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them
for you." A Golfer Dies and Goes to Heaven A man dies and approaches the pearly gates where he encounters St. Peter. "Ah", says St. Peter, "we've been expecting you. I'd like to let you walk through the pearly gates here, and looking through my book, I notice you've lived a good life....BUT...I see that one time, ONE TIME, you got a little angry and said the `F' word, didn't you?" "Yes," says the man, "but it was only one time." St. Peter: "Well, I've been known to make an exception when there are extenuating circumstances." Man: "Well, I said the `F' word when I was playing golf.." St. Peter: "Oh, so you're a golfer, are you? Well that explains a lot. Go ahead and tell me why you said the `F' word." Man: "Well, I was playing in a tournament, and I had a one stroke lead. As I started into my backswing for my drive on the last hole, just at the peak of my swing, I realized that I had chosen the wrong club! I had the five iron instead of the four iron..." St. Peter: "And THAT'S when you said the `F' word?" Man: "Well, no, as it turned out I hit the five iron shot of my life! The ball was headed straight up the fairway, when all of a sudden, a passing bird flew right into the ball's path..." St. Peter: "You said the `F' word then, didn't you?" Man: "Well, no, just as the bird got to the ball, it started to hook, and the bird actually helped direct the ball towards the green where it landed and started to roll towards the cup! It was rolling real well, when all of a sudden, a squirrel came onto the green and came towards my ball..." St. Peter: "The `F' word, you said it then, yes?" Man: "Well, the squirrel actually pushed the ball towards the hole, where it stopped rolling just about 2 inches from the cup.." St. Peter:
"YOU DIDN'T MISS THE FUCKING PUTT, DID YOU?" Jesus and Moses are playing golf. On the 5th hole, a shot over water to an island green, Moses hits his 6-iron and it lands perfectly on the green. Jesus takes out his 7-iron and begins tee-ing it up. Moses says: "The 7 isn't enough club. It'll go in the water." Jesus replies: "If Arnie Palmer can do it, I can do it." He swings the 7 and sure enough, right in the drink. He tees up a second ball and grabs his 7-iron again. Once again Moses reminds him of his previous attempt and Jesus says, "If Arnie Palmer can do it, I can do it." 'PLOP' in the water it goes again. He continues this until he has hit all his golf balls into the water. At this point, he begins walking out on the water looking down to locate his lost golf balls. The foursome behind them approaches the tee, spots Jesus out on the lake and says to Moses, "Hey, who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?" Moses replies,
"No, Arnie Palmer." A man was playing a game of golf, and on hole 16, he hit the ball right into a field of buttercups. As honest a golfer as he normally was, he picked up the ball and laid it next to the flowerbed to avoid destroying the beautiful buttercups. A fairy comes down and says, "Thank you for not disturbing my buttercups. For that I shall make sure that you always have a full supply of butter." "Thank
you," the golfer replied, "but where were you last week when
I hit the ball into the pussywillows?" Pausing for a Funeral Procession A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then
replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years." My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding to 18 holes. Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on. When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath over 100 yards long. "There,"
said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"
Arnold Palmer Backs Up a Drive Arnold Palmer is playing in a big tournament and comes to a par 3 which measures 235 yards. After some deliberation, he takes out his 3 iron and smashes the ball 20 feet over the pin and backs it up to within 3 feet of the hole. A fan in the crowd came up to him and said, "Mr. Palmer, how do you make the ball back up like that with a 3 iron?" Arnold replied, "Do you have a 3 iron?" The fan said, "Yes sir, I do." "How far do you hit it?" "About 160 yards," came the answer. Arnold calmly
said, "What the heck do you want it to back up for?" Bill and Bob, longtime golfing buddies, were involved in a match-play contest with the score "all-square" at the 18th tee. Bill slices his tee shot way left, and the ball finally stops on the cart path. Meanwhile, Bob smashes his first shot straight down the middle. "Oh well," says Bill, "I should get a free drop from there." "Heck no," says Bob, "We play the ball as it lies." And so Bill did. After dropping his opponent on the middle of the fairway, Bill took the golf cart to his lie on the concrete path. Sparks fly from the cart path, as Bill makes a few aggressive practice swings. Finally, Bill hits the ball off the cart path, leaving a miraculous shot only 3 feet from the pin. As the two meet in the fairway, Bob comments, "That was a great shot...what club did you use?" "Your
6 iron," says Bill. A sign went up at the golf course...."Kitchen closed for remodeling." A few weeks later a new sign was posted...."Kitchen Open." Directly
under this 6 men had already signed their names. What do You Call a Mulligan in Scotland? An American was golfing at the Old Course in St. Andrews, Scotland. He slices his opening drive out of bounds onto the beach, so he tees another one up and smacks it right down the middle. The golfer turns to his old Scottish caddy and tells him that in America that is called a "Mulligan" and asks him if there is a name for it in Scotland. The caddy
replies, "AYE, we call it a three." Knocked Unconscious by a Slice James addressed the ball and took a magnificent swing but somehow, something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted. The ball went onto the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force. He dropped! James and his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay, quite unconscious, with the ball between his feet. "Good heavens" exclaimed James, "what shall I do?" "Don't
move him!" cautioned his partner. "If we leave him here he becomes
an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball as it lies or
drop it two club lengths away." CADDY --
2 women talking about a 3rd who isn't there to defend herself. Posted
at a Local Golf Club Three golfers had a big golf game with a client in Arizona. They were running late and as luck would have it their car broke down. They found a repair garage nearby. The mechanic told them it would take four hours to fix their car. But he told them" You're in luck. I have a camel that the three of you can ride over to the golf course. This camel is smart. He can read stoplights - he'll stop and go just as the light directs. So the three of them pile on the camel, golf clubs and all and took off. An hour later the mechanic saw the three of them standing a couple of miles down the road and the camel was not in sight. "What in the world happened and where's my camel?" "Well, we had stopped at that light and a car pulled up along side of us. The guy in the car stuck his head out the window and said 'Look at the three nuts on that camel!!' When we got
off to look, the beast took off when the light turned green." A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?" She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh." "No, I won't." "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax." With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh." "That's
not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation
H, so I'm still a hole behind you!" Robinson Crusoe style, the shipwrecked golfer made the best of his tiny island. When a cruise liner spotted his distress signals and sent a boat to investigate, the landing party was amazed to find a crude but recognizable nine-hole course which the castaway had played with driftwood woods, whalebone and coral putter and balls carved out of pumice stone. "Quite a layout," said the officer in charge of the rescuers. "You're
too kind, it's very rough and ready," the goatskin-clad golfer responded.
Then he smiled slyly: "I am however, quite proud of the water hazard."
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