Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica. "Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?"

"Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life."

"What happened?"

"Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit out house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely."

"How about you?"

"Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"
Back to the Top

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a.......
...
...
...
...
...
BUMP...
...
...
...
...
...
BUMP...
...
...
...
...
...
BUMP... behind him.
...
...
...
...
...
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him
...
...
...
...
...
...
BUMP...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
BUMP...
...
...
...
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...
...
...
...
...
...
...
faster...
...
...
...
...
faster...
...
...
...
...
...
...
BUMP...
...
...
...
...
...
BUMP...
...
...
...
...
...
...
BUMP...
...
...
...
...
...
BUMP...
...
...
...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
...
...
...
However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ...
...
...
...
clappity-BUMP...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
clappity-BUMP...
...
...
...
...
...
clappity-BUMP...
...
...
...
...
...
clappity-BUMP...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
on the heels of the terrified man....
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin
...
...
...
...
...

..... the coffin stops
Back to the Top

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Back to the Top

A man approached a local in a village he was visiting. "What's the quickest way to York?"

The local scratched his head.

"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.

"I'm driving."

"That's the quickest way."
Back to the Top

Two boll weevils were brothers in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Back to the Top

A fifth generation farmer has determined that his son will be the first in their family to go to college. So he and the wife save every penny for years and when the big day comes for junior to leave for school, the old man is the proudest he's ever been.

After the first semester junior comes home for Christmas break and the old man sits him down for a talk. "Well, boy, you been at school for three months now, I want you to tell me some of that fancy book learnin'."

So junior says, "My favorite class is math, pa. Just last week we learned a new formula...Pi r squared."

At hearing this the old man screws up his eyes and smacks his forehead, "Dog gone-it! I spent all that money on schooling and all you can tell me is Pi r squared? Why everybody know pie are round...CORNBREAD are squared!"
Back to the Top

According to the Knight-Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an unidentified camper:

"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
Back to the Top

A  guy walks into an empty bar and says, "Hey, Bartender, give me a drink." So the guy sits down, sipping his drink, when he hears a small voice, "I like your tie."

The man turns to the bartender and says, "Did you say something?"

"No, I didn't say anything," says the bartender.

The man shrugs it off. And again he hears the small voice call out, "Your hair looks really nice."

The man turns to the bartender and asks. "There it goes again, didn't you hear that?"

"No, replied the bartender, "I didn't hear anything."

Once again, the man returns to his drink when he hears, "Gee, that suit looks great on you."

"Bartender!" exclaimed the man, "I am absolutely sure I heard something. What's going on here?"

"Oh", said the bartender. "That must be our peanuts. They're complimentary."
Back to the Top

A tourist on his way to Tuscaloosa, came to a fork in the road and stopped. There was no sign indicating which route went where. Spotting a boy by the road, he yelled out, "Hey, kid, does it matter which road I take to Tuscaloosa?"

"Not to me it don't." replied the boy.
Back to the Top

Needless to say, one of the most successful inventors of all time was the man who invented the hay-bailing machine. He made a bundle.

Bacon and eggs: A day's work for the chicken...a life-time investment for the pig.

Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, "Get out! We don't serve your type here."

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond.


MURRPHY'S LAW: Whatever can go wrong will.
COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.

A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a gin.........................and tonic."

The Bartender says, "What's with the big pause?"

The bear answers, "I don't know. My father had them, too!"

What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator?
"Close the door, I'm dressing!"

What do cats call mice on skateboards?
"Meals on Wheels"

What do you get from a pampered cow?
"Spoiled milk"

Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you
a man who can't put on his pants.

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know
how to drive this thing?"

"I went to an authentic Mexican restaurant. The waiter poured
the water and then warned me not to drink it." - Brad Garrett

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Q. What do you call it when a lawnmower runs over a birds nest?
A. Shredded tweat.

Q: What do you call a small shrub clinging to the walls of the Grand Canyon?
A: Gorge Bush


Back to the Top

A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his. "Many a night they stamp on the floor and make a huge racket almost until midnight."

When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, "Not really, I'm usually up practicing my sousaphone till about that time most every night anyway."
Back to the Top

A manufacturer of bicycle tires was the speaker at a businessmen's luncheon. In response to a toast, he said, "I have no desire or intention to inflict upon you a long speech, for it is well known in our trade that the longer the spoke the bigger the tire."
Back to the Top

A psychiatrist is doing rounds in his asylum with a couple of students. They look in on one patient and the psychiatrist says to his students, "Sometimes this fellow thinks he's a temptress in a Bizet opera, but today, as you can see from his goose stepping, he thinks he's the World War II head of the Nazi Luftwaffe. What condition do you think he's suffering from?"

The first student replies, "Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with a multiple personality disorder?"

The second student says, "No, I think he just doesn't know whether he's Carmen or Goering."
Back to the Top

A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the impresario.

"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you."

He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars forward, then swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground.

The impresario stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally he says, "Is that all you've got? Bird imitations?"
Back to the Top

Max went into the doctor's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about.

So Max told the Doc that his suit must have shrunk over the last year, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently.

The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sitting in a closet. You probably put on a few pounds."

"That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it."

"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease."

"What in the world is Furniture Disease?" asked Max.

"That's when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers."
Back to the Top

A young woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit clearly does not want to be there.

"Sit, Fluffy," she says.

Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

"I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, embarrassed. But Fluffy only squats in the middle of the room and does its business.

The rabbit then starts a fight with someone's cat and pursues it out of the office.

As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the customers in the waiting room and says, "Pardon me...but I just washed my hare, and can't do a thing with it!"
Back to the Top

A businessman had a tiring day on the road.  He checked into a hotel and, because he was concerned that the dining room might close soon, left his luggage at the front desk and went immediately to eat.

After a leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage and realized that he had forgotten his room number.  He went back to the desk and told the clerk on duty, "My name is Joe Barton, could you please tell me what room I am in?"

"Certainly," said the clerk. "You're in the lobby."
Back to the Top

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
Back to the Top

"Information? I need the number of Caseway Insurance Company."

"Would you spell that, please?"

"Certainly. That's C as in cadence. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."

"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."
Back to the Top

Tony and Angelo were on the dock watching the fleet coming into port. Floating past, high in the water, was a submarine.

Tony pointed to it and asked his friend, "Is that a U-boat?"

And Angelo replied, "No, that's-a not-a my boat."
Back to the Top

Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'

Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'

Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'

Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'

Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'

Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'
Back to the Top

Helen said, "Amanda, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what's your secret?"

"My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o'clock sharp."

"You wake up at six o'clock?"

"Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours."
Back to the Top

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."
Back to the Top

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of registration.

"He's a magician," said the new boy.

"How exciting. What's his best trick?"

"He saws people in half."

"How impressive! Now, do you have any brothers or sisters?"

"Yep...one half brother and two half sisters."
Back to the Top

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner.  As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him.  He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.

"Now, where's my bucket and my water?" Gramma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" cried Johnny.  "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny.  He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Gramma,"  replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
Back to the Top

This guy goes to a costume party with a girl on his back.

"What the heck are you?" asks the host.

"I'm a snail" says the guy.

"But... you have a girl on your back" replies the host.

"Yeah," he says, "that's Michelle!"
Back to the Top

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Back to the Top

Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he noticed a little pool of liquid forming under the bowl.

He called the waitress over and said, "There's broth all over the table. I think the bowl is cracked."

The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"Maybe it has a leek in it!"
Back to the Top

Joe, John and Bob were moving furniture. While Joe and John were struggling with a particularly heavy oak wardrobe Joe noticed that Bob was nowhere in sight.

"John, where's Bob?" asked Joe. "He should be helping us with this thing."

"He is helping," said John, "He's inside holding the clothes hangers in place!"
Back to the Top

Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, telling them to "Go forth and multiply." He's closing the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner.

So he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply."

"We can't," said the snakes, "We're adders."
Back to the Top

A burglar went to the bank and pointed a gun on the cashier and said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!"

The cashier laughed nervously, "You mean HISTORY, right?"

The burglar snapped back, "Don't change the subject!"
Back to the Top

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History were marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asked the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replied, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answered, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."
Back to the Top

During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signals a car to pull over to the curb. When the driver asks why he has been stopped, the officer points to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him.

"Does your dog have a license?" he asked.

"Oh, no," the man said, "He doesn't need one. I always do the driving."
Back to the Top

A man goes into a bar very thirsty. He sits down waiting for the bartender to see him. The man next to him calls for the bartender saying, "I'll have another waterloo."

The bartender gives him a tall ice cold drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink. Wanting to try this new drink he says "I'll have a waterloo too."

The bartender gives him a tall ice cold drink. He takes a big drink and says "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"

The man next to him looks at the bartender and says "Well, it is water...right Lou?
Back to the Top

I had been planning this date with the most popular girl in school for a month. I had concert tickets, dinner reservations and my dad had given me the keys to his new car. Nothing could go wrong.

When I was about to leave, my mother stopped me. She had just received a frantic call from my older sister, Linda. Her car had stalled on the freeway and she was late for work.

I would have to go pick her up, take her to work, and then see that her car was towed to the nearest garage. I would have to cancel my date.

I immediately refused telling her it was impossible for me to do that.

My mother was irate. "Don't you have any sense of responsibility? She's family!"

"It's not that," I answered, "I just can't be a brother and assist her."
Back to the Top

A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. An elderly woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.

"Don't know," the woman said.

He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he  made a U-turn and drove up to them.

"This is my husband," the old woman said.

"He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either!"
Back to the Top

Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by.

The turd looks over and says, "Hey!  Come on in! The water's fine!"

One banana turns to the other and says, "Do you believe that shit?"
Back to the Top

A father gave his little girl a puppy for her birthday. Just an hour later he found a puddle in the middle of the kitchen floor.

He called out loud for his daughter who came running into the kitchen and asked her to explain why she wasn't watching her new dog.

She looked up and said simply, "My pup runneth over."
Back to the Top

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled!  Fifty people swindled!"

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page.  What he saw was yesterday's paper.

The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where's the story about the big swindle?"

The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
Back to the Top

Did you hear about the Indian chief who traded in his forty-year old wife for two twenty year olds? A couple of weeks later a fellow brave saw him back with his original forty-year old wife.

He said, "What happened to your two twenty-year-olds?"

The Chief replied, "Me no wired for 220!"
Back to the Top

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his rented van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
Back to the Top

A young lad is caught stealing soap from the local soap factory. When the case comes to court the judge decides to make an example of him to discourage other youths from a life of crime.

Judge: "Well, what have you to say in your defense?"

Boy: "Only that I'm sorry your honor."

Judge: "Hrmph. I sentence you to 10 years hard labor, starting immediately."

Boy: "But sir, it was only a few bars of cheap soap!"

Judge: "Consider yourself lucky!--It could have been life boy."
Back to the Top

Did you hear about the inventor who came up with a knife that would slice two loaves of bread at the same time? He sold it to a large bakery for a handsome profit.

Shortly after that he developed a knife that could slice three loaves of bread at the same time. He sold that one for an even greater profit.

Finally, he came up with the ultimate bread slicer. This huge knife could cut four loaves of bread at the same time! And so was born the world's first four-loaf cleaver.

An Indian chief sends his son off to college. The son comes home with an electrical engineering degree. The first thing that the chief wants his son to do is to install electric lights in the outhouse as there are too many people stumbling around in the dark. The son installs the lights and is therefore known as the first Indian to wire ahead for a reservation.
Back to the Top

A man walks into a bar with a little salamander-looking creature in his hand. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.

"Tiny" replies the man.

"Why's that?" asks the bartender.

"Because he's my newt!"
Back to the Top

How about the two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history. Their wives had talked them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting around on the
porch of the hotel watching the sun set.

The history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"

To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs!"
Back to the Top

Albert Einstein married his cousin. He had tried to date outside his family circle, but he never found any of the other women appealing--especially in the boob department-that weren't within his familial group. He postulated that there is a special attraction to women in one's own family in his Theory of Relative Titty.
Back to the Top

A couple years ago I went to a bar with some friends. Above the bar I noticed a sign that read: "For Sale. 1985 Henway. Excellent Condition. Make Offer."

So I asked the bartender, "What's a henway?"

He said, "Oh, about three to four pounds."
Back to the Top

My friend Judy was working at a Maine costal resort when she answered a call for information about the inn.  After finishing the conversation, Judy stepped away from the desk.  When the phone rang again, a student intern took the call.

"I forgot to ask something." the caller said, "How are the rooms appointed?"

"Well, six of them are appointed west," the student said, "and the rest are appointed east."
Back to the Top

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.

"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"

"Nothing special sir," he said. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."  
Back to the Top

A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important deal and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression. On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself uncontrollably passing gas in large volumes. Additionally, the flatulence had the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "HONDA." The man was beside himself. Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA".... What would the Toyota people think?

Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physician's aid. After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out. Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist. Well, although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway.

Lo and behold, the dentist said, "Ah, there's the problem."

"What is it?" the man asked.

"Why you have an abscess," said the dentist.

"An abscess. How could that be causing my problem?" asked the man.

"That's easy," replied the dentist. "Everyone knows, abscess makes the fart go Honda!"
Back to the Top

Mr. Magillicutty Wants His Wife Buried

A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed, "This is Mr. Magillicutty. I need you to bury my wife."

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."

The first year student had just gotten a beat up old VW Beetle from his parents. He took it for a spin but misjudged the curve and overturned the car directly between the house of Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Mr. and Mrs. Balls

That's Amore

Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to earn some extra money. To start their business they asked the pastor of a local church if he would be interested in their service. He agreed and the men went out to buy the paint. As they drove to the paint store they decided that they would mix half paint and half water to try to increase their profits.

Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read, so when he married and
started a checking account, he signed his checks simply "XX".