Little Noah came into
the house with a new harmonica. "Grandpa, do you mind if I play this
seven-year-old son informed us that part of his tooth had come out. We
checked and, sure enough, a piece had broken off.
Ordering a Pepperoni Pizza in Japan
American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese
food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around
where he can get American food.
A Man is Being Followed by a Coffin
A man was walking
home alone late one night when he hears a.......
A Long List of Jobs That Didn't Work Out
My first job was working
in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
A man approached a
local in a village he was visiting. "What's the quickest way to York?"
Two boll weevils were
brothers in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous
actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted
to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two
A fifth generation
farmer has determined that his son will be the first in their family to
go to college. So he and the wife save every penny for years and when
the big day comes for junior to leave for school, the old man is the proudest
he's ever been.
Department of the Interior Changes Bird Tags
According to the Knight-Rider
News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department
of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used
to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:
"Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following
letter from an unidentified camper:
A String of Compliments at the Bar
A guy walks
into an empty bar and says, "Hey, Bartender, give me a drink."
So the guy sits down, sipping his drink, when he hears a small voice,
"I like your tie."
A tourist on his way
to Tuscaloosa, came to a fork in the road and stopped. There was no sign
indicating which route went where. Spotting a boy by the road, he yelled
out, "Hey, kid, does it matter which road I take to Tuscaloosa?"
Needless to say, one
of the most successful inventors of all time was the man who invented
the hay-bailing machine. He made a bundle.
Bacon and eggs: A day's work for the chicken...a life-time investment for the pig.
Two fonts walk into
a bar. The bartender says to them, "Get out! We don't serve your
A Polar bear walks
into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a gin.........................and
What did the mayonnaise
say to the refrigerator?
Q. What do you call
it when a lawnmower runs over a birds nest?
Q: What do you call
a small shrub clinging to the walls of the Grand Canyon?
The Neighbors are Awfully Noisy
A man mentioned to
his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his. "Many a
night they stamp on the floor and make a huge racket almost until midnight."
A manufacturer of
bicycle tires was the speaker at a businessmen's luncheon. In response
to a toast, he said, "I have no desire or intention to inflict upon
you a long speech, for it is well known in our trade that the longer the
spoke the bigger the tire."
He Doesn't Know Whether He's Carmen or Goering
A psychiatrist is
doing rounds in his asylum with a couple of students. They look in on
one patient and the psychiatrist says to his students, "Sometimes
this fellow thinks he's a temptress in a Bizet opera, but today, as you
can see from his goose stepping, he thinks he's the World War II head
of the Nazi Luftwaffe. What condition do you think he's suffering from?"
A man decides to join
the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the impresario.
Max went into the
doctor's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was
anything unusual he should know about.
A young woman walks
into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The
rabbit clearly does not want to be there.
A businessman had
a tiring day on the road. He checked into a hotel and, because he
was concerned that the dining room might close soon, left his luggage
at the front desk and went immediately to eat.
A Nearsighted Minister Reads a Note
A nearsighted minister
glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.
I need the number of Caseway Insurance Company."
Tony and Angelo Spot a Submarine
Tony and Angelo were
on the dock watching the fleet coming into port. Floating past, high in
the water, was a submarine.
Teaching a Parrot Fish to Sing
Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike!
How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'
Amanda's Secret to Looking Well-Rested
Helen said, "Amanda,
I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired.
And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what's
A man was telling
his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand
dollars, but it's state of the art."
father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day
Johnny Sees a 'Gator While Fetching Water
So one day, Gramma
sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for
cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big
eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it
for Gramma's kitchen.
A Guy at a Costume Party With a Girl on His Back
This guy goes to a
costume party with a girl on his back.
A lady was picking
through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one
big enough for her family.
Waitress, I Think This Bowl is Cracked
Checking the menu,
a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup. After a couple
of spoonfuls, he noticed a little pool of liquid forming under the bowl.
Joe, John and Bob
were moving furniture. While Joe and John were struggling with a particularly
heavy oak wardrobe Joe noticed that Bob was nowhere in sight.
Noah opens up the
ark and let all the animals out, telling them to "Go forth and multiply."
He's closing the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are
two snakes sitting in a dark corner.
Give Me All Your Money Or You're Geography
A burglar went to
the bank and pointed a gun on the cashier and said, "Give me all
your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!"
The Exact Age of the Dinosaur Bones
Some tourists in the
Chicago Museum of Natural History were marveling at the dinosaur bones.
One of them asked the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur
During a county-wide
drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signals a car to pull
over to the curb. When the driver asks why he has been stopped, the officer
points to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him.
A man goes into a
bar very thirsty. He sits down waiting for the bartender to see him. The
man next to him calls for the bartender saying, "I'll have another
I had been planning
this date with the most popular girl in school for a month. I had concert
tickets, dinner reservations and my dad had given me the keys to his new
car. Nothing could go wrong.
Asking Directions to Des Moines
A driver pulled up
beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. An elderly
woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.
Two bananas are lying
on a river bank when a turd comes floating by.
A father gave his
little girl a puppy for her birthday. Just an hour later he found a puddle
in the middle of the kitchen floor.
Read All About It - 50 People Swindled!
A newsboy was standing
on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it.
Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Did you hear about
the Indian chief who traded in his forty-year old wife for two twenty
year olds? A couple of weeks later a fellow brave saw him back with his
original forty-year old wife.
Recently a guy in
Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.
However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security and escaping
with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his rented van
ran out of gas.
A Young Man is Sentenced for Stealing Soap
A young lad is caught
stealing soap from the local soap factory. When the case comes to court
the judge decides to make an example of him to discourage other youths
from a life of crime.
Did you hear about
the inventor who came up with a knife that would slice two loaves of bread
at the same time? He sold it to a large bakery for a handsome profit.
Lighting Up an Outhouse on the Reservation
An Indian chief sends
his son off to college. The son comes home with an electrical engineering
degree. The first thing that the chief wants his son to do is to install
electric lights in the outhouse as there are too many people stumbling
around in the dark. The son installs the lights and is therefore known
as the first Indian to wire ahead for a reservation.
A man walks into a
bar with a little salamander-looking creature in his hand. The barman
looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
Two Professors in the Catskills
How about the two
old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired
professor of history. Their wives had talked them into a two week stay
at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting around on the
Why Einstein Married His Cousin
Albert Einstein married
his cousin. He had tried to date outside his family circle, but he never
found any of the other women appealing--especially in the boob department-that
weren't within his familial group. He postulated that there is a special
attraction to women in one's own family in his Theory of Relative Titty.
A couple years ago
I went to a bar with some friends. Above the bar I noticed a sign that
read: "For Sale. 1985 Henway. Excellent Condition. Make Offer."
friend Judy was working at a Maine costal resort when she answered a call
for information about the inn. After finishing the conversation,
Judy stepped away from the desk. When the phone rang again, a student
intern took the call.
Do You Prepare Your Chickens?
I take your order?" the waiter asked.
A businessman was
in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needless to
say, this was an especially important deal and it was imperative that
he make the best possible impression. On the morning of the presentation
he awoke to find himself uncontrollably passing gas in large volumes.
Additionally, the flatulence had the unpleasant characteristic of sounding
like "HONDA." The man was beside himself. Every few minutes
"HONDA", "HONDA".... What would the Toyota people
Mr. Magillicutty Wants His Wife Buried
A man called
the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed, "This is Mr. Magillicutty.
I need you to bury my wife."
A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed, "This is Mr. Magillicutty. I need you to bury my wife."
"Mr. Magillicutty? Sidney Magillicutty?"
"Yes, that's right."
"Didn't I bury your wife 10 years ago?" the undertaker asked.
"I got married again," the man sobbed.
replied the undertaker. "Congratulations."
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."
So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"
And the string
says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
He Was Pulled Out by the Smiths
The first year student had just gotten a beat up old VW Beetle from his parents. He took it for a spin but misjudged the curve and overturned the car directly between the house of Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Mr. and Mrs. Balls
he was pulled out by the Smiths.
When the moon hits your eye Like a big pizza pie That's amore.
When an eel bites your hand And that's not what you planned That's a moray.
When our habits are strange And our customs deranged That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw And the bales total four That's some more hay.
poor wife She gets stabbed with a knife That's a Moor, eh?
American Pilots Captured by Germany
three American pilots captured by Germans in WWII. The Germans thought
up a way to make the pilots crack and tell what they knew. They made them
stand at attention, turn their heads from side to side and say, "Tick
- Tock", over and over.
An hour later, the second pilot cracked and started confessing to things that he didn't even do.
The third pilot was fighting hard not to crack. He was about half-way cracked. He was turning his head to one side only and saying, "Tick...Tick.. Tick..."
officer in charge went up to him and said, "You thinks you iss so
schmart! But I'm telling you that vee haf vays to make you TOCK!"
Once upon a time an evil king captured a virgin princess and held her captive in his high tower. Though she was very beautiful he forced her to wear a disgusting and smelly burlap dress.
"You'll never get away with this," she cried. "Some brave knight will rescue me!"
"Not in that thing," the evil king replied.
She waited day and night, but it was just as the king predicted. Every knight that saw her in the window of the high tower was scared away by her dress, which, as I've mentioned, was very disgusting.
months the princess broke down crying and the evil king taunted her, "You
see? I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!"
Painting a Church for Extra Money
Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to earn some extra money. To start their business they asked the pastor of a local church if he would be interested in their service. He agreed and the men went out to buy the paint. As they drove to the paint store they decided that they would mix half paint and half water to try to increase their profits.
When they finished the job they called the pastor outside to look at their work. "The color looks a little dull," the pastor said. "You boys didn't cut the paint with water did you?"
their heads and confessed they had. The pastor was very firm with them
and said, "You must repaint and thin no more."
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.
When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"
the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries
and a 10 ton limit, so i have to keep half of them flying at all times."
was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help
support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read, so
when he married and
Eventually he started his own business, which immediately prospered.
He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. "Mr. Schwartz," said the banker, "I need to ask you about this check. We weren't sure you had really signed it. All these years you've been signing your checks 'XX', but we just got one that was signed with three XXX's..."
answered, "No problem, my friend. It's just that since I've become
so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name."
An Alsatian Sending a Telegram
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof, woof woof woof. Woof woof woof woof woof."
The clerk looked the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
the dog replied, "that wouldn't make any sense at all!"
Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach. The lady lobster suggested that the gentleman lobster to get them an ice cream each. Having purchased two ice cream cones Mr. Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream.
By the time he has finished the ice cream he realized that his lady friend's ice cream had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it.
When he arrived back at the beach his lady lobster friend exclaimed, "Where are the ice creams?"
"Well" he said. "I decided to eat mine. Then yours melted, so I ate that too."
friend was incensed and cried, "You shellfish bastard!"
Applying for a Job as a Handyman
A man sees a job ad posted on a construction site, "Handy man wanted; apply within." So he does and speaks to the foreman.
"Can you drive a Bobcat?" the foreman asks.
"Can you plaster?"
"Have you ever done any carpentry?"
"If you don't mind me asking," says the foreman, "what's so handy about you?"
I only live about five minutes down the road..."
moon hits your eye,
When an eel
bites your hand,
habits are strange,
horse munches straw,
sheep go to graze,
ace your last tests,
had quite enough,
Bob was telling his friend Joe about his vacation in France. Bob talked about how lovely the Eiffel Tower was, the exquisite works of art at the Louvre, the Notre Dame, and of course, the beautiful French women. Joe asked Bob, "Was there anything you didn't like about France?"
Bob replies, "there was one thing that was strange about it. In France,
anything you eat, anything you drink, even the air that you breathe over
there cleans out your colon. I mean, it REALLY cleans your colon out."
So Joe says, "Gee, with France like that, who needs enemas?"