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appeared at the Pearly Gates and knocked. St. Peter came out and asked
him what he wanted. He said "I want to get in please." St. Peter
asked him to name one thing nice he had done for someone during his life.
He replied that one time he saved an old woman in front of a convenience
store. She was getting beat up and shoved around by a large gang of bikers
out front, and so "I just went up and kicked the biggest biker in
the shins, and the old lady got away." St. Peter was impressed, and
asked, "How long ago did this happen?" The man replied as he
looked at his watch, "Oh, about 25 seconds ago!"
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, he says "I'm not very busy today, I'll show you around."
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.
"What's with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is. St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."
As the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving, he notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"
That's OJ's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."
Three nuns at the Pearly Gates
Three nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates and are greeted by Saint Peter. "Before you can enter" he says, "I must ask each of you one question which you must answer honestly". They each look at each other and shrug, awaiting the questions.
To the first nun, Saint Peter asks "Have you ever touched a penis?" The nun sheepishly replies "...well, only once -- with my finger." Saint Peter says "Very well, then, swirl your finger in the Holy Water and proceed inside."
the second nun Saint Peter asks "Have you ever touched a penis?"
The second nun is about to answer when she is suddenly interrupted by
the third nun who shouts "If you think I'm going to gargle with that
after she's sat in it, you're crazy!"
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer-you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake-he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are
YOU going to get a lawyer?"
The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.
Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest. But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God's first name?"
Forest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forest says, "Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow!"
The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forest! That's not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."
"How about the next one" says Saint Peter, "how many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second....."
"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one too."
"Let's go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forest says, "Well shore, I know God's first name. Everbody probly knows it. It's Howard."
"Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's 'Howard'?"
Forest answers, "It's in the prayer."
"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"
Lord's Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father, who art in heaven,
Howard be thy name...."
One day in heaven, St. Peter and Moses were playing a round of golf. They have beautiful courses in heaven. So nice in fact, that they make Pebble Beach pale in comparison. Anyway, as they played they came to a long par three. This particular hole had a water carry of 170 yds. with approximately 200 yds to the center of the green.
St. Peter hit first. He took out a 2 iron and hit his shot smartly to the center of the green. Moses complimented St. Peter on the nice shot and then proceeded to take out a 5 iron. As he began to approach the ball, St. Peter cautioned him about the length of the water carry. Moses, not to be turned aside from his club selection, said with confidence, "I saw Arnold Palmer hit a five iron on this same type of hole."
He then proceeded to hit his shot cleanly. The ball sailed beautifully, lofting up and then landing with a splash 10 yards short of the green. Moses muttered ever so softly and then taking his staff in hand strode purposefully to the waters edge. He struck the water and the waters parted. He went over to where his ball had come to rest, picked it up, and returned to the tee.
Again he addressed the ball with his 5 iron in hand. St. Peter seeing what was happening, once again cautioned him, reminding him of his last attempt. Moses determinedly recounted how he had seen Arnold Palmer use a 5 iron on a very similar shot. Moses stuck the shot with the exact same precision as the first. The ball rose sharply, lofting into the air and failing to reach the green by the same 10 yards as before. Moses, noticeably annoyed at the result, once again took his staff and proceeded to the waters edge. By this time the group following St. Peter and Moses had caught up and watched as Moses lifted his staff and struck the waters.
of the men in the group that had just arrived blurted out, "This
guy must think he's Moses." St. Peter calmly replied, "Actually
he IS Moses. He THINKS he's Arnold Palmer."
Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell. The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.
The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.
Clinton: Why's that?
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
You're a day late.
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son had turned out, and went to see his rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the rabbi. "Like you, I too brought my boy up in the faith, put him through university, cost me a fortune, then one day he too comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the lawyer.
"I turned to God for the answer", replied the rabbi.
"And what did he say?" pressed the lawyer.
said, 'Funny you should come to me ...' "
A famous movie director dies and goes up to Heaven. He is received enthusiastically by Saint Peter who says, "We're so glad to see you. Wait until you hear about the project we want you to direct for us."
"Please," says the producer, "I'm really very tired. To tell you the truth, I was just looking forward to relaxing now that I'm here."
"But wait until you hear about this movie! Shakespeare has written an original script just for you." "Shakespeare? THE Shakespeare?" asks the producer. "That's right. And Da Vinci will be the art director for this film. Furthermore, Beethoven is working on the score even as we speak."
"Script by Shakespeare, art by Da Vinci and music by Beethoven! What can I say? I'd be delighted to direct it!" declares the producer.
answers St. Peter. "There's just one thing. God has this girlfriend
A Guy dies and wakes up in Hell...
Satan Pays a Visit to a Church
bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the townspeople were in church, listening
to the organ play. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling
each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward he dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the
suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious
to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?"
Three Buddies Die in a Car Crash...
3 buddies die in a car crash & go to heaven for an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first man says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second man says, " I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
guy replies, " I would like to hear them say... LOOK!! HE'S MOVING!!!"
Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from New York City showed up. Never having seen anyone from the Big Apple at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.
After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group.
A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!"
"What? All of the New Yorkers are gone?" asked God.
replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"
Hefner and Heather Locklear
Hugh Hefner and Heather Locklear die and go to heaven. They are greeted by St. Peter who says to Hugh, "You have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with your pornography. You have only one chance to get into the kingdom of God, you must walk down that tunnel without even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap door will open up under you and you will fall into hell where you will cry and gnash your teeth."
Hugh decides that this will be easy for the tunnel is only 100 feet long. So he begins down the tunnel with St. Peter following behind. About half way down the tunnel St. Peter leans over towards Hugh and yells "Tits!!" and a trap door opens and Hugh falls down into Hell.
St. Peter then goes to Heather Locklear and says, "You have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with your sexy looks. You have only one chance to get into the kingdom of God, you must walk down that tunnel without even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap door will open up under you and you will fall into hell where you will cry and gnash your teeth."
their long trek down the tunnel. About half way down St. Peter leans over
towards Heather and a trap door opens and St. Peter falls down into Hell.
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were
her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you." When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?", the woman asked.
"The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
"About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. My wife and I traveled all around the world. "We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. "How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?", her husband asked.
St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says, "You were a good woman. I'm giving you a nice halo."
Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo.
Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, I spent most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly. Princess Di did nowhere near the amount of charitable work I did. Why does she have a bigger halo?"
says, "That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel."
A rich person was very faithful about going to church. His time came about, and he passed on to heaven. Met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter, he was made to wait. The inquiring mind wanted to know, "Why must I wait, I was faithful about going to church. I was an important person on earth."
St. Peter said, "We are readying your residence."
Off in the distance as far as the eye could see was fabulous mansion after fabulous mansion. St. Peter finally led the person in and started walking past all the beautiful homes, each one more beautiful that the last. Turning a corner, St. Peter said, "This one is yours."
The newcomer asked, "But this is a dilapidated shack. Why do I get this?"
replied, "Although you did get rich, this was the best we could do
with the money YOU bequeathed us."
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy: "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies: "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn.
The minister stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years."
St. Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached,
people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
One day three teenage girls were driving along when they had a terrible accident and died. They were all sent to heaven. At the gates, they met St. Peter. He said to them, "Welcome to Heaven. There is only one rule here, don't step on the ducks, don't bother them, just leave them alone. If you do bother them in any way you will be handcuffed to the ugliest person in Heaven for all eternity."
The first teen thought that this was rather funny and in all her laughter stepped back almost falling over. "QUACK!" She had stepped on a duck and so she was handcuffed to the ugliest person in heaven. The other two teens walked around Heaven constantly torturing their unlucky friend. As fate would have it the second teen stepped on a duck also. She was handcuffed to the second ugliest person in Heaven.
The two girls sat moping at the fact that they were chained to these people for eternity. The next day they saw the third teen, she was handcuffed to the most gorgeous guy they had ever seen.
She looked at them, realizing their questioning eyes, and said, "He stepped on a duck."
die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St.
Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven... Don't step on
Seymour is Disappointed by the Food
Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven.
"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.
"I could eat," said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.
While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.
The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he was hungry, and Seymour again said, "I could eat." Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy and chocolates.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be in heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand."
be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, does
it pay to cook?"
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust.
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.
Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but
according to these numbers, more people are riding my invention than yours."
Straights and Gays Meet St Peter
Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.
First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny." Then came the second straight guy.
"Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"
The gay guy turned
to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good,
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts
The Pope, Billy Graham,
and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean.
They all died and went to heaven together.
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.
However, two days
later, St. Peter got a call. "Pete, this is Luci. Hey
you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody.
The Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough
money to buy air conditioning.
Saint Peter was at
the Pearly Gates when three people arrived. The first one comes up to
the entrance and St. Peter asks, "What did you die of?"
a gay man went to heaven. At the Pearly Gate Saint Peter was waiting for
him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to let him in. "Follow
me." he said, opening the gate and walking in.
A woman dies,
and when she gets to heaven she asks Saint Peter, "Would it be possible
for me to get together with my dear departed husband? He died many years
Action's Impact on Heaven
to the Lord and said, I have to talk to you, I have a problem.
I know we have affirmative action and we are supposed to have 20,000 black
folks in heaven but they are causing so many problems.
Be Very Quiet When You Pass Room 8
A man arrives
at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"
The man replies, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his
list, and says, "Go to Room 24, but be very quiet as you pass Room
three gentlemen waiting at the pearly gates. St. Peter comes out and says,
"I've got some disappointing news for two of you. We are having some
problems in our admissions area. I can only let one of you come into heaven
today. I can get the other two tomorrow, but only one today."
The first man stood up to St. Peter and began:
"I knew my wife was cheating on me, I rushed home from work, flew open the door and there she was, lying on the couch, naked. I knew I caught her! I ran all through the apartment., upstairs, downstairs, under the bed, and in the closets.
NOTHING! I was just about to apologize to her when I heard a SCRATCH, SCRATCH, SCRATCH at the window. I opened the window and there he was, hanging from the windowsill. I grabbed a skillet and banged him on the head. I watched him fall down down down, but he landed in some bushes.
I was still flaming with adrenaline! I edged our refrigerator over to the window and it was just about to fall when I noticed my coat was hooked to the frige. So down I went along with the fridge to my death."
St. Peter couldn't help but be shocked! He said, "That was a great story! You are sure to be the winner today."
The next man steps up and says, "Well, I was a window washerman. I was doing my job one afternoon when all of a sudden the ropes broke -I'm falling to my death. I had my arms raised up to God praying to catch me. At one moment my hands caught a window ledge, I was SAVED!!
I was giving my thanks and trying to get the people inside to open the window by scratching at the window when all of a sudden a crazy man opened the window and beat me with a skillet. Once again I was falling to my death. But once again, I was being watched by my guardian angel. I fell into a nice group of bushes. As I opened my eyes to thank God, a refrigerator was screaming down at me. That is my story."
St. Peter was stunned. He looked at the last man and said, "You better have a good story, because the last man had a doozy!"
man smiled and said, "OK, picture this, Naked, hiding in a refrigerator...."
Slobodan Milosevic at Heaven's Gate
Milosevic showed up at heaven's gate and knocked for admittance. The door
Something That Symbolizes Christmas
Three guys kick the bucket on Christmas Eve and ascend to heaven where they are met by St Peter. "In honor of the season," St Peter says to them, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas."
The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks them on.
"What do they symbolize?" St Peter asks.
"Ah, you may pass through the pearly gates!"
The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a couple of sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes them.
"What do they symbolize?" St Peter asks.
"Ah, you may pass through the pearly gates!"
The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets, finally pulling out a skimpy pair of silky, crotchless woman's panties. He holds them up proudly.
"What do they symbolize?" St Peter asks.
George W. Bush, Einstein and Picasso
George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.
The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essence with but a few strokes of the chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"
The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
G. W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
sighs, "Come on in, George."
New Arrivals Want to be Married
On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple finds themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer. . .. . for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find
a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find
One day, Fidel Castro died and went to Heaven. He knocked on the pearly gates and demanded to be let in. St. Peter looked through the peep-hole and saw Fidel standing there with his two suitcases. He yelled from behind the door that there had to be some mistake, he was destined for the other place.
With that, St. Peter pressed a button and a trap door opened up from below Fidel plunging him to the depths of Hell.
"Welcome Jefe," Satan said, "We've been expecting you." Still shaken from the sudden drop, Fidel began by complaining that his suitcases were left at the doors of Heaven. "No problem," said Satan, "We'll send a couple of demons to get them for you."
A while latter,
St. Peter heard some noise outside of Heaven's door. Again looking through
the peep-hole, he sees the demons with the suitcases. At which point St.
Peter says, "I knew it. Fidel has only been in Hell for five minutes,
and already, here comes the refugees!"
There is a knock on St. Peter's door. He looks out and a man is standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears.
A short time later there's another knock. St. Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, and the man disappears once again.
"Hey, are you playing games with me?" St. Peter calls after him.
the man's distant voice replies anxiously. "They're trying to resuscitate
Contracting for Repairs to the Pearly Gates
St. Peter is inspecting the pearly gates of heaven, along with one of those Heaven supervisors. As it turns out, the gates need some work done, so St. Peter says he'll get right on it. The sup says that, according to regulation, three bids must be submitted before any work can be done. St. Peter, in shock because he doubts there will be ANY contractors in Heaven -- much less three -- agrees and proceeds to get his bids.
The first guy he finds is an Irishman. The Irish guy looks at the gates, inspects them, and bids $1200 for the project: $400 for parts, $400 for labor, and $400 for himself. St. Peter thanks the guy and says that once he has received two more bids, he'll get back to him.
The next guy St. Peter finds -- after an extensive search, mind you -- is an Italian. The Italian inspects the damage and bids $900: $300 for parts, $300 for labor, and $300 for himself. St. Peter thanks him and says that once another bid is received he'll make the decision of whom to contract with.
Finally, after an exhaustive search of Heaven, St. Peter finds the third and final contractor -- a Jewish guy. The Jew looks at the damage, inspects the gates, and bits $2900.
"$2900!" cries St. Peter.
$1000 for you, $1000 for me, and we pay the Italian $900 to do the work."
Imelda Marcos dies and goes to heaven. The heavenly court is gathered to welcome all the newcomers to heaven. God the Father is there seated on his throne in all his splendor. The Second Person of the Trinity is there also, and the Holy Spirit, the Virgin Mary, and all the saints.
As Imelda enters, everyone stands up except God the Father, who does not get up from his throne. Jesus, the second Person of the Trinity turns to him, and says, "Heavenly Father, what's the matter? Why don't you stand up to welcome Imelda Marcos?
God the Father
replies: "I am afraid to lose my seat. If I stand up she will take
A Jew, a Greek and an Italian man all die in a plane crash. They are standing before the Lord, and the Lord tells them, "I am going to give you all one more chance. I am going to send you back to earth on one condition: that you will give up your bad habits."
They all say, "We will. We will. Please let us live again!"
agrees to give up eating compulsively.
Suddenly they find themselves back on earth, walking down a street. Before they have a chance to say anything to each other about what just happened, the Italian man sees a restaurant and begins to drool. He starts running toward the restaurant when POOF! He disappears into a cloud of smoke.
the Jewish man sees a dime on the street a couple of feet away. He steps
forward, bends over to pick it up and POOF! Both he and the Greek disappear.
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her: "Hello - How are you!" "We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her."
"Which word?" the woman asked." "Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
The Significance of Clocks in Hell
One day, all of a sudden, Bob, Tom, and Jim died and they all went to Hell. When they got there, Satan greeted them and said, "Before you begin you eternity of torture I would like to show you something."
All three agreed and got in a car with Satan. They drove down a long hallway filled with clocks until Satan stopped the car. He then pointed to a clock then to Bob. He told him that it was a clock that moved one second every time he masturbated and that it hadn't moved in 15 years. Bob was pretty happy with himself and they all traveled down the hallway further until they stopped again.
He pointed to another clock then to Tom. He said that it hadn't moved in 10 years. Tom was really happy with himself.
They then traveled down to the very end of the hallway where there was a door. All four of them then went through the door where they saw a bed with red sheets. Jim then said "I don't get it, Bob and Tom got to see their clock but where is mine?"
Satan then pointed to the ceiling to a clock and said: "You see that clock? That one is yours."
Jim then said "But why is it in here?"
"This is my bedroom. Before you died, I used your clock as a fan."