Holiday Humor

For these books on Holiday humor, go to Amazon.com

Politically Correct Holiday Stories Play With Your Pumkins Never Accept a Gift With Airholes: Garfield's Holiday Tips & Quips

Christmas Humor
Approved attire for Halloween
Politically Correct Season's Greetings
Office Politics 
Martha Stewart Will Not be Dining With Us 
Halloween Humor 11/2/02 
Things that Sound Dirty at Thanksgiving
Things to Do to Liven Up Thanksgiving Dinner
Assorted Thanksgiving Humor
Annual Office Christmas Party
Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar
The Night Before Chanukah
A Halloween Angel at the Door 
Thanksgiving Trivia 
Chanukah Songs That Never Quite Caught On  
Steak and Blowjob Day
Top Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards
Independence Day Trivia
Assorted Chanukah Humor


Religion: Want to don scary outfits? -- Try These

 

By Robert Kirby

An alert reader sent me a letter that circulated her neighborhood a few days ago. Written by ``a few concerned mothers,'' the letter asked everyone not to let their children dress up like vampires, ghouls, witches and spooks for Halloween.

The gist of the letter was that dressing up like the undead was detrimental to the brains of small children. Among other things, it conveyed to them a false sense of legitimacy when it came to stuff like blood sucking and broom riding.

The letter further suggested that children be encouraged to dress like more upbeat characters; to wit: ``clowns, cuddly animals, princesses and cowboys.'' This will, the letter claims,``encourage children to stay far from a collision with evil and grow closer to Heavenly Father during a celebration that is based on paganism.'' What a scream.

Good timing: This letter couldn't have come at a better time -- namely now that I'm too old to go trick or treating.

Had it come when I was much younger, my friends and I would have gone around to these ladies' houses on Halloween and shown them what happens when high-mindedness collides with a five-gallon bucket of carpet glue. Seriously, it takes a pretty big stretch of the imagination to believe that traditional Halloween costumes necessarily encourage kids to the dark side. If true, then why wouldn't dressing them up as clowns and animals alternately make them more silly or less house-broken?

Frankly, a kid raised by someone who keeps him in an emotional straight-jacket stands a better chance of becoming a career criminal than some kid who dresses up as a vampire or a devil once a year.

Encouragement: But then I could be wrong. For the sake of argument, let's say that dressing up like Freddy Krueger means you'll grow disturbed and confused. Rather than risk it, why not encourage your kids to dress up in more faith-promoting ways?

For the sake of our kids, I've put together a list of Mormon church costumes for next year. Don't get your hopes too high, though. If you think Dracula or Frankenstein are scary, wait 'til you get a load of these.
bullet Church Correlation Committee Member
Strike fear into the hearts of Mormon neighborhoods by going door-to-door on Halloween insisting that everyone act in harmony by passing out the exact same treat.
bullet Danite
Costume consists of a Book of Mormon and a hood. Announce yourself with the blood-curdling cry, ``Trick or blood atonement.''
bullet Seminary Teacher
A white shirt and an earnest look. At each home, insist the residents bear their testimonies rather than give you candy.
bullet Polygamist Wife
Long dress with a pillow stuffed under it. During inclement weather, consider renting a pair of plastic bare feet.
bullet Nauvoo Legion Soldier
Thump on the doors with toy muskets. Even if you get a treat, look for copies of the Nauvoo Expositor or Rolling Stone.
bullet Nephi
If someone refuses to give you a treat, don't soap their windows. Instead, smite off their head and kidnap their pet.
bullet Home/Visiting Teacher
Wait until five minutes before midnight and then pound on doors shouting ``trick or teach!''
bullet Ward Basketball Player
Throw elbows and taunts while dressed in a sweat-soaked T-shirt. Far more frightening than any goblin.

There's a drawback to these costumes as well. After dressing up like this for a few Halloweens, your kids might not want to do it for real when they grow up.

Robert Kirby is a journalist who lives in Springville with his wife and three children. The self-described ``OxyMormon'' welcomes mail at P.O. Box 281, Springville, Utah, 84663.
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The Night Before Chanukah


Twas the night before Chanukah, boicheks and Maidels,
Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels.
The menorah was set by the chimney alight,
In the kitchen the Bubbie was choppin a bite.
Salami, pastrami, a glassele tay,
And soyereh pickles with bagels...oy veh.

Gesundt and geschmact the inderlach felt,
While dreaming of tagelach and Chanukah gelt.
The alarm clock was sitting, a klappen and ticken,
And Bubbie was carving a shtickele chicken.

A tumult arose like a thousand Beruches,
Santa had fallen and broken his toches.
I put on my slippers, ains, zvei, drei,
While Bubbie was enjoying her herring and rye.
I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gotkes,
And Bubbie was just devouring her latkes.

A little red yarmlke greeted my eyes.
When he got to the door and saw the menorah,
"Yiddishe kinder", he said,"Kenahorah.
" I thought I was in a strange hoise,
As long as I'm here I'll leave a few toys"

Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish, A gupel, a leffel, a shtikele fish.
With smacks of delight, he started his fressen,
Chopped liver, and knaidlach and kreplach gegessen.
Along with this meal he had a few schnapps,
When it came to eating this boy was tops!
He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt,
But they were so hot he yelled "oy gevolt"

He buttoned his hosen and ran from the tish,
"your Kosherer meals are simply delish"
As he wenrt through the door he said "see you all later"
I'll be back next Pesach in time for the seder.

More rapid than eagles his prancers they came,
As he whistled and shouted and called them by name.
Now Izzy, now Morris, now Louie and Sammy,
On Irving and Maxie and Hymie and Manny
He gave a geshray a he drove out of sight,
' A GOOD YONTIFF TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT"

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Politically Correct Season's Greetings

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

May you have a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally-accepted calendar year 2000, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the Western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual orientation of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
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Office Politics

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

 

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 2

RE: Christmas Party

______________________________________________________________________________

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party".

 

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 3

RE: Holiday Party

______________________________________________________________________________

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but I can't put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 7

RE: Holiday Party

______________________________________________________________________________

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party...the days are so short this time of year...or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans.

Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit furthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

 

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 8

RE: Holiday Party

______________________________________________________________________________

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our earth-based, Goddess-worshipping employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???

 

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

Date: December 9

RE: Holiday Party

______________________________________________________________________________

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan", there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit". It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?

 

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 10

RE: Holiday Party

______________________________________________________________________________

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table farthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes...but you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them...I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now...!

 

FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: December 14

RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

______________________________________________________________________________

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the Holiday party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Chanue-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas!
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A Halloween Angel at the Door

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful.

The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"

The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweet!"

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door.

The woman says to the child, "Go ahead honey, say it just one more time."

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweet!"

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing.

The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!"
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Martha Stewart Will Not be Dining With Us

(A Change In Plans)
Source: "Today's Woman" magazine, Barbara A Tyler.

Article removed at author's request 12/3/2002


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Thanksgiving Trivia

Cut and planed lumber was hard to come by in the New World, and since the Pilgrims didn't intend to go back to Europe, they dismantled the Mayflower and used it's lumber to build a barn.

Ben Franklin wanted the turkey, not the eagle, to be the U.S. national symbol. He considered the eagle a "bird of bad moral character" because it lives by being a shrewd thief.

Franklin Roosevelt tried to change the Thanksgiving holiday date to the next-to-last Thursday in November in order to create a longer Christmas shopping season, but was forced to move Thanksgiving back to its original date because of negative public response.

The heaviest turkey ever raised weighed in at 86 lbs, about the size of a large German Shepherd. It was grown in England.
                        
When Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin sat down to eat their first meal on the moon, their foil food packets contained roasted turkey and all of the trimmings.

Turkeys can drown if they look up when it is raining.

Turkeys in fields near the Air Force test areas over which the sound barrier was broken were known to drop dead from the shock of passing jets.

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Halloween Humor

Did you hear about the cheap vampire hunter? He tried to kill a vampire by driving a pork chop through its heart because steaks were too expensive.

Why don't mummies take vacations? 
Because they're afraid to relax and unwind.

"Most people are really scared of werewolves but I bet if you saw one crying because the other wolves had made fun of him, you would probably feel sorry for him and try to pet him. That was my first mistake." --Unknown

Q: Why don't witches wear panties?
A: They get a better grip on their brooms.

 

A little boy is dressed as a pirate captain for Halloween. He knocks on the door of a house and a lady answers.

She says, "Well, well little boy, what are you supposed to be?"

He says, "I am a pirate captain".

She says, "Well--where are your buccaneers?"

He says, "Right here under my bucken hat."

 

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.

She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"

The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time."

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the treat bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's treat bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!"

 

HALLOWEEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT AREN'T

* She's a goblin!
* I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
* Let me see your bag....OH!-You're having a great night!
* Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
* She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
* If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
* Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
* Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
* You scared me stiff!
* He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!

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Chanukah Songs That Never Quite Caught On

Oy to the World
Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland
Hava Negilah - The Megamix
Bubbie Yetta Got Run Over by a Reindeer
Enough with those God Damn Jingle Bells Already...Sheez!
Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)
I Have a Little Dreidel (the Barking Dog Version)
Come on Baby, Light My Menorah
Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzos
Silent Night?  I Should Be So Lucky
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Top Ten Chanukah Holiday Rentals

The figures are finally in. The top 10 movie rental over the Chanukah holiday vacation were:

10) Three Men And A Bubbie
 9) A Few Hood Mentches
 8) The Cohenheads
 7) The Rocky Hora Picture Show
 6) Shalom Alone
 5) Goyz `N The Hood
 4) A Gefilte Fish Called Wanda
 3) The Wizard Of Oys
 2) Who Framed Roger Rabbi?
 1) Prelude To A Briss
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Steak and Blowjob Day

Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentines Day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really love them more than anything.

Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret. Guys really don't enjoy this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and  consideration. Another secret--guys feel left out. That's right, left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created.

March 20th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day". Simple, effective and self-explanatory. This holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town. The name of the holiday explains it all. Just a steak and a blowjob. That's it.

Finally, this twin pair of Valentines Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine.

The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.
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Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty at Thanksgiving but Aren't

10. "Just reach in and grab the giblets."
9. "Whew...that's one terrific spread!"
8. "I am in the mood for a little dark meat!"
7. "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."
6. "Talk about a HUGE breast!"
5. "And he forces his way into the end zone!"
4. "She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down."
3. "It's Cool Whip time!"
2. "If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!"

. . . and the number one thing that sounds dirty at Thanksgiving but isn't . .

1. "It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out."
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Things to Do to Liven Up Thanksgiving Dinner

1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more.

3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.

4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the Turkey was past expiration date. You were worried for nothing."
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Top Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards


10. I admire your strength...I admire your spunk,
But the thing I like best...is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never...become cold and hollow,
Unless one day...you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's Day...card at the store,
In hopes that later...you'd be my whore.

7. This feels so good...it feels so right,
I just wish it wasn't...$250 a night!

6. You're a woman of style...you're a woman of class,
Especially when I'm spanking...your big-fat ass.

5. Before I met you...my heart was so famished,
But now I'm fulfilled...SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!

4. Through all the things...that came to pass,
Our love has grown...but so has your ass!

3. You're a honey...and you're a cutie
I just wished you had...J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy...or silly or corny,
So right to the point...let's do it! I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey...looks like a blister,
You should check out the one...that I gave to your sister!
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Independence Day Trivia

Historians claim that the first valentine was a poem sent in 1415 by Charles, Duke of Orleans, to his wife. He was imprisoned in the Tower of London at the time. In the United States, Miss Esther Howland is given credit for sending the first valentine's cards. Commercial valentines were introduced in the 1800's and now the date is very commercialized. The town of Loveland, Colorado, does a large post office business around February 14.

Thirty places nationwide have the word Liberty in their name. According to Census 2000, the most populous one was Liberty, Mo. (26,232). Iowa has more of these places than any other state: four (Libertyville, New Liberty, North Liberty, and West Liberty). Eleven places have Independence in their name. The most populous of these is Independence, Mo., where Census 2000 counted 113,288 residents

Five places adopted the name Freedom; Freedom, Calif., with 6,000 residents on Census Day 2000, had the largest population among these.

There are five places across the nation with America in their name, the most populous being American Fork, Utah, with 21,941 residents on Census Day 2000.

$121.6 million: U.S. imports of fireworks from China in 2001, the bulk of total U.S. fireworks imports ($128.9 million) that year.

U.S. exports of fireworks, by comparison, amounted to $18.0 million, with Japan purchasing more than any other single country ($7.0 million).

In 1999 the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission reported 8,500 fireworks-related emergency-room visits--about two-thirds of these in July. And there's no tally of the countless blistered hands, traumatized pets, singed shrubs, and melted G.I. Joe dolls. Experts recommend leaving the fireworks spectacle to the professionals and limiting your flame-tending interests to the barbecue.

Approximately 80 percent of Americans spend Independence Day--the Fourth of July--with their families.

The first heavy-drinking U.S. president, as well as the first presidential college dropout, James Monroe--like John Adams and Thomas Jefferson before him--died on Independence Day, the last president to date to bear that trivia distinction.

Independence Day was first declared a legal holiday in 1941.

The flag of the United States should be flown daily from sunrise to sunset in good weather from public buildings, schools, permanent staffs, and in or near polling places on election days. The flag may be displayed 24 hours a day on patriotic holidays or if properly illuminated.

The flag should always be flown on national and state holidays and on those occasions proclaimed by the President. On Memorial Day, the flag should be half staffed until noon.

The flag should never touch anything beneath it, nor should it ever be carried flat or horizontally.

$51.7 million: The dollar value of U.S. imports of American flags in 2001; just over half of this amount ($29.7 million) was for U.S. flags made in China. The bulk of these flags was imported in October, the first full month following Sept. 11, when $34.8 million worth were brought into the country.


$511,000: Dollar value of exports of U.S. flags in 2001. Mexico was the leading customer, purchasing $162,900 worth.

Besides the Fourth, other days the flag should be flown include: New Year's Day, Inauguration Day, Lincoln's Birthday, Washington's Birthday, Armed Forces Day, Memorial Day (half-staff until noon), Flag Day, Columbus Day, Navy Day and Veterans Day

On the Fourth of July:

1776 - Americans celebrate their independence from Britan. July 4th remembers the approval of writing the "Declaration of Independence" in 1776. The actual signing of the document did not occur until a month later. Most of the delegates signed the Declaration on August 2, 1776, the first signature being that of John Hancock. Several signatures were obtained later: George Wythe (Virginia) on August 27; Richard Henry Lee (Virginia), Elbridge Gerry (Massachusetts), Oliver Wolcott (Connecticut) signed in September; Matthew Thornton (New Hampshire) in November. Thomas McKean, representing Delaware, was serving in the army and was unavailable to add his 'John Hancock' until 1781.

1832 - At Boston's Park Street Church, the song, "America," was publicly sung for the first time. The words were written by Dr. Samuel Francis Smith who borrowed the tune from a German songbook. Unknown to Dr. Smith, the melody was the same as the British national anthem.

1845 - Writer and naturalist Henry David Thoreau went to live in a shack adjacent to Walden Pond, Massachusetts. During his two-year stay he kept a journal of his thoughts and encounters with nature. His journal became the basis for "Walden," one of the most important treasures of US literature. Walden Pond later became a state reservation.

1855 - The first edition of Walt Whitman's "Leaves of Grass" was published in Brooklyn, New York.

1881 - Tuskegee Institute opened its doors to students who had built it with bricks made in their own kilns. An abandoned plantation in Tuskegee, Alabama was chosen as the site for the institution for academic and vocational training desired by Booker T. Washington.

1895 - The famous song, sometimes heralded as the true United States national anthem, "America the Beautiful," was originally a poem written by Katherine Lee Bates. A professor at Wellesley College, Bates' poem was first published today in the "Congregationalist," a church newspaper.

Things to Remember About the 4th of July

Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence?

Five signers were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured before they died.

Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned. Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons captured.

Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War.

They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor.

What kind of men were they?

Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists. Eleven were merchants, nine were farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well educated, but they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if they were captured.

Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his Ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags.

Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move
his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and
his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and
poverty was his reward.

Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton. At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson, Jr., noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters.

He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt.

Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months.

John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished.

Some of us take these liberties so much for granted, but we shouldn't.

So, take a few minutes while enjoying your 4th of July holiday and silently thank these patriots. It's not much to ask for the price they paid.

Remember: freedom is never free!
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Assorted Thanksgiving Humor

You know your family is dysfunctional if Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey!

HOW TO COOK A TURKEY

Step 1: Go buy a turkey.
Step 2: Take a drink of Wild Turkey.
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven.
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of Wild Turkey.
Step 5: Set the oven at 375degrees.
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink.
Step 7: Turn oven the on.
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky.
Step 9: Turk the bastey.
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get.
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer.
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey.
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours.
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey.
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey.
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick.
Step 17: Turk the carvey.
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch.
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out.

 

He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyus cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...

And then he stuffed the turkey.


Les: It's a helicopter, and it's coming this way. It's flying something behind it, I can't quite make it out, it's a large banner and it says, uh - Happy... Thaaaaanksss... giving!... From... W.... ... K... ... R... ... P!

Les: No parachutes yet. Can't be skydivers... I can't tell just yet what they are, but - Oh my God, Johnny, they're turkeys!! Johnny, can you get this? Oh, they're plunging to the earth right in front of our eyes! One just went through the windshield of a parked car! Oh, the humanity! The turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Not since the Hindenberg tragedy has there been anything like this!

Johnny: Les? Are you there? Les isn't there. (composing himself) Thanks for that on-the-spot report, Les, and for those of you who just tuned in, the Pinedale Shopping Mall has just been bombed with live turkeys. Film at eleven.

Mr Carlson: (bursting through door) As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.
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Assorted Chanukah Humor

A nagging Jewish mother decreed one Chanukah season that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result, their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given over the eight nights of Chanukah. The next year things were different, however.

"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandmother told a friend, triumphantly.

"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?"

"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year, I didn't sign their gift checks!"

Top Ten Chanukah Holiday Rentals

The figures are finally in. The top 10 movie rental over the Chanukah holiday vacation were:

10) Three Men And A Bubbie
9) A Few Hood Mentches
8) The Cohenheads
7) The Rocky Hora Picture Show
6) Shalom Alone
5) Goyz `N The Hood
4) A Gefilte Fish Called Wanda
3) The Wizard Of Oys
2) Who Framed Roger the Rabbi?
1) Prelude To A Briss
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Annual Office Christmas Party

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Annual Office Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols. Feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in a little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. However, to the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Fucking Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The Fucking Holiday Party

Vegetarians!! I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The Bitch from HELL!

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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

PS: HAVE A FANTASTIC WEEKEND!!!


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