At the far end of a bar sat a huge 6'5" American Indian named Soaring Eagle. In walks Bruce, a flaming gay guy. After a few beers, Bruce musters up the courage to go over to talk to the Indian.
As Bruce leans over towards Soaring Eagle, he whispers, "How would you like to get a blow job?" Soaring Eagle, upset at hearing this, stood up and beat the shit out of Bruce all the way to the door and threw him onto the street.
shocked at this, asks the Indian what the gay guy said that so angered
him. Soaring Eagle replied, "Some shit about getting a job."
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
"Amazing!" says the second cowpoke.
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Amazing!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago!"
goes into a fancy restaurant and the Maitre'd asks the Indian, "Do
you have a reservation?"
attractive woman from California was driving through a remote part of
Texas when her car broke down.
is riding through the desert on his horse when he comes along a naked
Indian lying on a rock with a boner. The cowboy asks the Indian what he
is doing, and the Indian tells him he is checking the time.
Connie Chung was interviewing an Indian tribe. She asks the first Indian, "Why are you wearing one feather in your headdress?" He answers, "cause me have one squaw."
Connie, not happy with his answer, asks a second Indian. "Why do you wear five feathers in your headdress?"
The second Indian replies, "Me have five squaw."
Still not convinced, she asks the Chief. "Why are you wearing so many feathers in your headdress ?"
The Chief says, "Me have many squaw, me screw 'em all."
Connie replies "Why, you should be hung!"
The Chief says, "Yes, hung like horse, long like snake, strong like buffalo."
"Oh my dear," to which the Chief says "No screw 'em deer
- asshole too high, run too fast, no screw 'em deer."
An Indian named Brown Elk walked into the saloon. He was a giant of a man with a six-shooter tucked into his belt, so no one dared ask why he was carrying a pail of manure in one hand and a small cat in the other.
"I'll have a whiskey," he told the bartender, and after downing the shot, Brown Elk ordered another. Then another. Finally, after his fourth drink, the Indian pulled out his revolver, fired several shots into the bucket, released the cat, then ran after it. When he caught it, he returned to the bar.
"E-excuse me," said the alarmed bartender, serving him a drink on the house, "but would you mind telling me what that was all about?"
father told me to try and be more like white man," he answered. "So,
I came here to have a few drinks, shoot the shit, and chase a little pussy."
When the new school year started the history teacher was thrilled because there were three little Native American boys in her class. She was beside herself with excitement. So she asks the first little Native American boy to stand up and tell the class what tribe he was from and how he knows this.
The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest and takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice, "I am a Cherokee. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land. This is Cherokee land. So, I know I am a Cherokee."
The teacher says very good and asks the next little Native American boy to stand. The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest, takes his fist and hits it on his chest.
He says in a booming voice, "I am a Comanche. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land. This is Comanche land. So, I know I am a Comanche."
The teacher is growing more excited by the moment and asks the last little Native American boy to stand up. The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest, takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice, "I am a Fuckawee."
The teacher looks dumb founded. She says, "I don't think there is any such tribe as the Fuckawee."
boy says, "My Father and I walked for many days and many nights,
and many nights and many days. We ran out of water, but we kept walking.
With no rest, we were getting weary. Finally, one day my Father stops
and with his hand to shield the sun from his eyes, looks around and he
said 'Hmm, where the Fuckawee?'"
An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin or White Cloud.
"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"
"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.
"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"
"Charmin is $2.00 a roll and no name is 50 cents a roll."
The Indian didn't have much money so he opts for the no name.
Within a few hours he is back at the trading post. "I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."
"Why?" asks the confused clerk.
it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no shit off an Indian."
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."
The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."
The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather for the remaining of the shoot. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for a week.
Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "My radio
was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian
Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find the herd.
The old Cherokee
chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing
the two US government officials sent to interview him.
An Indian wants his son to have it better than him, so he sends the son away to trade school. The kid comes back after finishing electrician's training.
The father takes him to the chief and is bragging about how smart his son is. The chief says to the kid "Look, every time I gotta take a shit at night in my outhouse, I can't read because it's too dark unless the moon is out. Is there any chance you could put electricity and lights in the outhouse?"
The young Indian replies, "sure thing, Chief," and he does as asked.
became the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation!
"What's the C.P.?"
The man finished his drink and ordered another. Again, he asked the bartender to give the Indian girl a real drink, but this time the bartender said, "I can't. The S.P. would shut me down."
"What's the S.P.?"
Just then the Indian girl got up an walked out of the bar. The man hurried out after her. An hour later, he staggered back into the bar, his clothes covered with blood, his nose broken.
"The F.B.I. got me!" the man moaned.
"What do you mean the F.B.I?" the bartender asked.
These three klansmen were driving across the rez flying the stars and bars off their antenna. A tribal policeman pulled them over. He was the biggest damn skin those klansmen had ever seen.
He walked up to the drivers side looked at the driver then hit him in the jaw a blow stronger than a mules kick. "What the hell you do that for, Chief?" the driver asked.
"You know when an officer pulls you over you should have your license and insurance papers ready," said the Skin.
He then walked over to the passenger window and hits that guy even harder.
"Damn it, boys," the cop said, "You know I want to check your damn I.D. too."
The cop then handed back the passenger his I.D.
Suddenly he reached into the truck and hits the guy in the middle of the front seat in his mouth knocking out his front teeth. "What the hell was that for ?" said the guy in the middle.
"That was for WISHING," said the cop.
"What you talking about?" said the klansmen.
if I hadn't hit you just now you would have gone down the road saying
to your friends, 'I WISH THAT BIG INDIAN HAD TRIED THAT SHIT WITH ME!'"
10. He tries
to sell you your own personal mile of the Red Road.
8. His Sundance is sponsored by Frito-Lay.
7. Suddenly, all his ceremonies seem real familiar after you watch the movie "Billy Jack" again.
6. The only tribal nation he is affiliated with is Donation.
5. Rich ladies from California are convinced he needs a different colored 1999 4x4 truck for each of the 4 directions.
4. Not only does he have a website, but the address is www.sellout.com.
3. The only thing in his pipebag is a portable credit card machine.
2. In order to attend one of his sweats, you need to contact Ticketmaster first.
1. His sacred
white buffalo reeks of spray paint.
A Navajo guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the hogan. He rushes in to find his wife naked on the fold up bed, sweating and panting. "What's goin on?" he says. "I'm having a sumtin funny in my heart," cries the woman.
He rushes outside to grab his cell phone in his pickup, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Shizhe'e! Shizhe'e'! Uncle Jimmy's hiding in under the sheepskin and he don't got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms into the hogan, pass his screaming wife, and rips off the sheep skin. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering under the skin.
a rotten brother," says the husband, "Shaa yah deh! My wife's
having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
Anglos have BC and AD to measure time. Native People have the five BC's:
While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and began a conversation.
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: Look of shock.
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: Look of total disbelief.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Indian: Extreme look of shock.
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at the Indian.
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Indian: Total look of utter amazement.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep liar."