A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied.
He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m."
glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant, and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.
The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time"!
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you
off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It
has to be saved for posterity."
The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
my God!" she screamed. "Schwarz is dead!"
dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.
She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have something that I must confess." "There isn't anything to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's alright, go to sleep."
"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky.
I... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."
Two golfers are just starting the 13th hole when the first golfer notices that in his partner's golf bag is a high-powered rifle. Curiosity takes over and he questions his partner. His partner tells him that he is a hitman.
So the first golfer hits on an idea and says, "Do you see that window in that apartment across the course. My wife is in that apartment with another guy. I want you to shoot them both."
The hitman tells the golfer "Each bullet will cost you $5000." The golfer thinks that $5000 times 2 is a bit steep but the hitman says, "I have been doing this for 25 years and has not missed a shot yet, and even suggests that he can shoot them in any part of the body that the golfer wants."
The golfer is impressed and says, "Wellll, okay. I want you to shoot my wife in her big mouth and the guy in the crotch."
The hitman pulls
out his rifle, loads, and starts to aim. But for some reason is moving
his aim back and forth. The golfer asks what the hitman is doing. The
hitman then says, "Just hold on a second, I think I can save you
A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more -- he would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.
One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?" Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. plumber?"
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" And again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?
Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today." He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"
they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with
A man is on his death bed with his wife by his side. In his faint, dying breath he tells her that there are two times he suspects she cheated on him and he would like to know the truth, the whole truth, before he dies.
Rather hesitantly, she agrees to tell him everything ... the full truth.
she begins, "remember when you lost your job and a week later you
got it back with a big raise?"
Then she tells him, "Do
you remember when the IRS was going to do the big audit on you and a week
later they dropped the audit and gave us a big refund instead?"
Then he strains to ask, "Were there any more times that you cheated on me?"
Even more hesitantly, she says "Yes dear. There was just one more time."
"Ohhhh," he sighs in agony. "You must tell me."
"Ok ... but
only because you insist, dear," she stammers. "Remember the
time when you were elected president of the golf club, but you were so
sure you were going to lose by 23 votes?"
Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. "Jake," she said. "Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk."
But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess." "There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right." "No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."
Jake stroked her
hand. "Now Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it,"
he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"
"Hey! This looks like a great meal! I knew Bobby was lucky to have such a beautiful wife," said Ray, "but I didn't know you were a fantastic cook as well."
"I feel I should warn you, Ray," she simpered, "that I expect my husband home in an hour."
"But I'm not doing anything." he protested.
"I know," she
sighed. "I just wanted to let you know how much time you had."
Two guys trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go. The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?"
The second guy gets about halfway there and comes back. The first guy says, "What's wrong?"
He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress."
The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over."
He gets about halfway there and comes back.
The second guy says, "What's wrong?"
The first guy says, "Small
Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. "Oh, Marie," she said to her maid, "I believe my husband is having an affair with his secretary."
"I don't believe
it," snapped Marie. "You're just saying that to make me jealous."
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.
he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife
found it in our bed."
Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp -- only to discover a cucumber in his hand.
"Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 5 years!?!"
"Honey, let me explain!"
"Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a --"
of sneaky!" he interrupted, "maybe you'd care to explain our
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home,
the mailman was dead on their porch.
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair. He needs to go on a business trip for several days, so he decides to set a trap for her.
He puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bedsprings he suspends a spoon. He has it calibrated so that her weight on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if there is any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect it upon his return home.
He comes home several
days later. The first thing he does is reach under the bed and retrieve
the bowl. The bowl is full of butter.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?"
the husband inquired as he entered the room.
Around two in the
morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a
while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he
said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the
Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over
at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and
see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop
laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when
he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
It was late afternoon in a small Nevada town and Joe, the owner of the local beer parlor, was lazily polishing his glassware when his friend Mike, obviously agitated, came running in.
"Joe," he shouted, "get over to your house quick. I just stopped off to see if you were home and I heard a man's voice in your bedroom. So I looked in the window and there - well, I hate to tell you, but your wife is in bed with another man."
"Is that so," Joe replied calmly. "What does this guy look like?"
"Oh, I don't know - he's tall and completely bald."
"And did he have a thick red mustache?"
"Right, right!" Mike yelled.
"And did you notice if he had a gold front tooth?"
"Dammit, man, you're right!"
Pouring his friend a
beer, Joe remarked philosophically, "Must be that jackass Cal Thompson
- he'll nail anything."
A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and while en route to his home, asked the driver if he would be a witness, as he suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act.
The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights pulled the blanket back and found the wife in bed with another man.
The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted, "Don't do it, this man has been very generous.
Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you, who do you think paid for our new boat, he did!"
The husband, looked over at the cab driver, and said, "What would you do in a case like this?"
The cabbie smiled, and
said, "I'd cover him up before he catches cold."
A married man decided
to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make
up an excuse.
This man had been having
a few beers down at the neighborhood bar. It was dark out and he was walking
home by a park when nature called so he stepped behind a hedge to relieve
himself. To his and their surprise a couple were going at it on the grass
and he almost stepped on them. The guy got up and took off running.
Just as John and his
wife started to make love, their six-year old son burst into the room.
"What are you doing, Dad?" he asked.
A jealous husband hired
a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband
wanted more than a written report, he wanted video of his wife's activities.
A married man was visiting
his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh
James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome
A man thought his wife
was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave one night and jumped
in a cab to follow her. He soon found out she was working in a whorehouse.
Morris staggered into the house at two O'clock in the morning. As he entered his bedroom, he found another man in bed with his wife. His wife pushed the man off her and demanded to know where Morris had been until two O'clock in the morning.
Morris looked at his
wife's lover and demanded, "Who in the hell is this guy, and what
is he doing in bed with you?"
"Don't go changing
the subject! .......Where in the hell have you been so late?"
"The thrill is gone
from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding--but it is a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?"
"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
One morning a customer entered my flower shop and ordered a bouquet for his wife. "No card is necessary," he instructed us. "She'll know who sent them." The delivery truck hadn't even returned to the store when the phone rang. It was the customer's wife. "Who sent the flowers?" she asked.
that the customer had requested that no card be included, I considered
the matter closed. But a bit later, she came rushing in the front door.
"You've got to tell me who sent the flowers," she demanded,
"before my husband gets home for lunch!"
A co-worker told George that George's wife was being unfaithful everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with George's best friend. Worried and hurt, George ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true.
He came back to the office contented and relieved.
His co-worker asked him how it went.
said George. "Don't start such terrible rumors! That guy isn't my
best friend...I don't even know him."
A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.
"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."
I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So
naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife. One Sunday morning,"
he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking
when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled,
'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"
1. It is
important to find a woman who cooks and cleans
A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good."
The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?"
The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!"
The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?"
"Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick
is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, hell,
it feels good!"
A woman was
having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband
arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover,"
into the closet!", and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom
discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm
investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man
replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The
man looked down at himself and said,........ "Why those little bastards!!"
At a local high school, on their football team was a great player named Bubba. One night after a game his coach noticed Bubba leaving with four girls on his arm.
The coach stopped him and asked, "Bubba, how is it that you have all of these women? Don't you ever, ya know, get tuckered out from all of the sex?"
Bubba tells his coach, "See, all I do is when I know I'm gonna be getting some, I whip it out and pound it against something like a table, to numb it all real good and then I can go on for hours."
So one day, coach came home early and his wife was in the shower. He enters the bathroom and thought, "Hey, here's my opportunity to try that".
So he whips
it out and starts pounding his penis on the bathroom vanity. His wife
hears this and yells out, "Is that you Bubba?"
The bartender served a woman a glass of orange juice. The man sitting on the adjacent stool turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered. "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant."
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "I'm celebrating similar good fortune. As it happens I'm a chicken farmer. For months all my hens had been infertile. Their fertility problem has been solved... finally fertile."
"How did it happen?" asked the woman.
"I switched cocks," said the man.
a coincidence," she replied.
Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.
"What's the problem?"
"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man.
"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property, you don't own her!"
right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive
A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"
"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.
boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the
phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, "Honey, before you leave, please let me explain."
stopped to listen. He continued, "I was driving along the highway,
and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered
her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a
meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn't like. She
was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes
which you'd discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold,
so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday - the one you
never wore because the colors didn't suit you.
The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered. "That's all fine and good," she said, "but why did I find you both in our bed with no clothes on?"
replied, "Well, that's simple... see, as she was about to leave the
house, she turned to me and asked, "Is there anything else that your
wife doesn't use anymore?"