Insults (and related topics)

Russia Insulted by Canadian Newspaper
Historical Insults (Quotes) 10/26/2003
Why you...
Intelligence (or a lack thereof)
Something Good to Say About Everyone
Insulting Lord North
Mark Twain Has a Few Choice Words for France 
You Must be Single... 
His First Words After Eye Surgery... 
Is This Seat Empty?
You're an Idiot!
Devil's Dictionary Excerpts 10/18/03
Where do You Think Cabbies Come From?
Hollywood Insults

"The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you can't ignore it, top it; if you can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved."
- Russell Lynes

"The first human who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization."
- Attributed to Sigmund Freud

Russia Insulted by Canadian Newspaper

OTTAWA (Reuters) - Canada said Tuesday that Russian diplomats had complained twice about a Canadian newspaper editorial which branded Russia a filthy and corrupt "lump of dung" where nothing good would ever happen.
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Historical Insults (Quotes)

"The terrifying power of the human sex drive is horrifically demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you." 
--Ipso Fatso

"She looked as if she'd been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say when." 
--PG Wodehouse

"She speaks poniards, and every word stabs. If her breath were as terrible as her terminations, there were no living near her; she would infect to the North Star."
 --William Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing

"He was a foul caricature of himself, a man with no soul, no inner convictions, with the integrity of a hyena and the style of a poison toad." 
- Hunter Thompson, on Richard Nixon.

"I got a cab in Paris. The driver smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse."
-Dennis Miller

"Oh, my God - look at you! Anybody else hurt in the accident?"
- Don Rickles to Ernest Borgnine

"Susan is lean, cadaverous, and intellectual, with the proportions of a file and the voice of a hurdy-gurdy."
- Anonymous writer in the New York World (1866) on Susan B. Anthony (1820-1906), American feminist.

"The arch-Philistine Jeremy Bentham was the insipid, pedantic, leather-tongued oracle of the bourgeois intelligence of the nineteenth century."
-Karl Marx (1818-1883), German political philosopher, on Jeremy Bentham (1748-1832). British political philosopher.

John Wilkes, an English politician noted for his firm opposition to George III, was a man of courageous liberal principles, but who led a personal life of great dissipation.

At one time, an opponent of Wilkes, shaking with rage at some quip the latter had made, said to him, "Sir, I predict you will die either on the gallows or of some loathsome disease."

To which Wilkes replied, "Which it will be depends entirely on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

John Randolph, a vitriolic legislator from Virginia in the early decades of the American nation, was well known to be impotent. Few were the men, however, who dared cross him, and the House held its breath when a member, in the heat of debate, made some slanting reference to Randolph's lack of sexual prowess.

Randolph rose to his feet and said coldly, "Sir, you pride yourself on an ability in which any ignorant barbarian is your equal and any jackass immeasurably your superior."

"I think it's about time we voted for senators with breasts. After all, we've been voting for boobs long enough." 
-Clarie Sargent - Arizona senatorial candidate

"When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it." -Clarence Darrow

"He writes the worst English that I have ever encountered. It reminds me of a string of wet sponges; it reminds me of tattered washing on the line; it reminds me of stale bean soup, of dogs barking through endless nights. It is so bad that a sort of grandeur creeps into it. It drags itself out of the dark abyss of pish and crawls insanely up the topmost pinnacle of posh. It is flap and doodle. It is balder and dash." 
- Henry Mencken, on Warren G. Harding

"He is certainly the basest, meanest scoundrel that ever disgraced the image of God - nothing too mean or low for him to condescend to." - Andrew Jackson on Henry Clay (19th century American politician)

"The Americans... probably make love worse than any other  race." -Walt Whitman, 1819-1892

Bessie Braddock to Churchill: "Winston, you're drunk." 
Churchill: "Bessie, you're ugly. But tomorrow morning, I shall be sober."

"It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulses that could give the name of "the fair sex" to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, broad-hipped and short-legged race." - Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860), German philosopher

"A vacuum with nipples." -Otto Preminger of Marilyn Monroe

When a snobbish, frumpy high-society woman looked down her nose at W.C. Fields and said, "You Sir, are drunk!" 
He looked back at her and said, "And you Madam, are ugly, but when I wake up in the morning, I'll be sober."

"I think it would be a good idea." - Mahatma Gandhi when asked what he thought of Western civilization.

"Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word." - Charles de Gaulle, 1890-1970

"Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river." - Nikita Khruschev, 1894-1971

"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics." - Benjamin Disraeli, on the art of politics.

"The right honourable gentleman's smile is like the silver fittings on a coffin." - Benjamin Disraeli, on Robert Peel.

"You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance." - Edward Flaherty

"Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars." - Fred Allen

"Whatever happened to John Travolta? I heard he joined some cult and got fat. Or he married and had a child. Which amounts to the same thing." - Gerard Depardieu, on John Travolta

"I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for." -Jasper Carrott, English comedian

"He was a foul caricature of himself, a man with no soul, no inner convictions, with the integrity of a hyena and the style of a poison toad." - Hunter Thompson, on Richard Nixon.

"If there is a Hell, Rome is built on top of it." - German saying

"You look like an Easter Island statue with an ass full of razor blades." - Paul Keating to the Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Fraser.

"He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice." - Albert Einstein

"The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him." - Jim Samuels

"He makes George Bush seem like a personality" - Jackie Mason on John Major.

"He is a sheep in sheep's clothing" - Winston Churchill on Clement Attlee.

"Winston, if I were your wife, I would put poison in your coffee." "Nancy, if I were your husband, I would drink it." - A conversation between Nancy Astor and Winston Churchill.

"He could not see a belt without hitting below it." - Margot Asquith on David Lloyd George.

"Richard Nixon impeached himself. He gave us Gerald Ford as his revenge." - U.S. politician Bella Abzug on Tricky Dickie.

"Nixon's motto was, 'If two wrongs don't make a right, try three." - U.S. writer Norman Cousins.

"Gerry Ford is so dumb that he can't fart and chew gum at the same time." - former U.S. President Lyndon B. Johnson.

"He is not only a bore, but he bores England." - Malcom Muggeridge on Anthony Eden.

"I wouldn't say she is open-minded on the Middle East, so much as empty-headed. She probably thinks Sinai is the plural of sinus." - Jonathan Aitken on Margaret Hatcher.

"Harry Truman proves that old adage that any man can become President of the United States." - U.S. politician Norman Thomas.

"A shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Harold Wilson on Edward Heath.

"Man is quite insane. He wouldn't know how to create a maggot, and he creates Gods by the dozen." 
-Michel de Montaigne (1533-92)

"The five worst infirmities that afflict the female are indocility, discontent, slander, jealousy and silliness."
-Confucian marriage manual

"A hack writer who would have been considered fourth rate in Europe, who tried out a few of the old proven 'sure-fire' literary skeletons with sufficient local color to intrigue the superficial and the lazy."
-William Faulkner on Mark Twain

"His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge." --Movie critic John Stark

"When your IQ rises to 28, sell." --Professor Irwin Corey to a Heckler

"I wonder is anybody ever reached the age of thirty-five in New England without wanting to kill himself."
--Barrett Wendell (1855-1921), American author, literator and pimp.

"Last week, I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement."
--Mark Twain

"Michael Jackson's album was only called "Bad" because there wasn't enough room on the sleeve for 'Pathetic.'"
--The Artist Formerly Known as Prince

"He looks like a dwarf who's been dipped in a bucket of pubic hair."
--Boy George on Prince, 1986

"She is so hairy, when she lifted up her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit."
--Joan Rivers on Madonna

"I see her as one great stampede of lips directed at the nearest derriere." --Noel Coward

"I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion."
--Robert Louis Stevenson (1850-1894)

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordian."

Donald Rumsfeld

"You couldn't beat your meat to The 200 Best Playboy Centerfolds Ever, you clueless, uber-impotent fuckwit."
-- Unknown

"I bet you're the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the god damned common courtesy to give him a reach around."
--Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, Drill Instructor, "Full Metal Jacket"

"I'll be sober tomorrow, but you'll be crazy for the rest of your life."
W.C. Fields (1880 - 1946)

"If all the girls who attended the Harvard-Yale game were laid end to end, I wouldn't be surprised."
--Dorothy Parker

"Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time."
--Frederic Raphael

"I'm sorry, Mr. Kipling, but you just don't know how to use the English language." --The editor of the San Francisco Examiner, rejecting a 1889 article by Rudyard Kipling.

One day a man approached Groucho Marx and he said, "Please insult my wife. My wife loves your work. It would really give her a thrill if you insulted her."
Groucho turned to the man and said, "Sir, you should be ashamed of yourself: To be married to a woman like that and not be able to think up your own insults!"

"Life is a God-damned, stinking, treacherous game and nine hundred and ninety-nine men out of a thousand are bastards."
- Theodore Dreiser (1871-1945) quoting a newspaper editor.

"She had the personality of a ZIP code in Kansas."
--Steve Martin as Robert K. Bowfinger in "Bowfinger".

"When he has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks."
--George Burns on Jack Benny

"This is one of those big, fat paperbacks, intended to while away a monsoon or two, which, if thrown with a good over arm action, will bring a water buffalo to its knees."
--Nancy Banks-Smith, on M.M. Kaye's "The Far Pavilions"

"Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is original is not good, and the part that is good, is not original." --Samuel Johnson

"There are 100,000 total marijuana smokers in the U.S., and most are Negroes, Hispanics, Filipinos and entertainers. Their Satanic music, jazz and swing, result from marijuana use. This marijuana can cause white women to seek sexual relations with Negroes, entertainers and any others... The primary reason to outlaw marijuana is its effect on the degenerate races."
---Excerpt from the testimony of Harry J. Anslinger, director at the Federal Bureau of Narcotics, before the U.S. Senate in 1937.

"O womb! O belly! O stinking cod, fulfilled of dung and of corruption! At either end of thee, foul is the sound!"
--Geoffrey Chaucer, 1340-1400

"He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career." --George Bernard Shaw

"Aside from the moral contamination incident to the average theatre, the influence intellectually is degrading. Its lessons are morbid, distorted and superficial. They do not mirror life."
-- T.T. Munger, 1827-1904

"Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?"
--Milton Berle

They don't hardly make 'em like him any more - but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway.
--Hunter S. Thompson, on Herbert Humphrey

"Tell him I've been too fucking busy - or vice versa."
--Dorothy Parker

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Why you...

Lying sack of shit!

Worthless bucket of donkey snot!

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Intelligence Insults

If you had a brain, you'd take it out and play with it.

If you had one more braincell you'd be an idiot.

I've got house plants smarter than you.

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Something Good to Say About Everyone

bullet Blacks can dance.
bullet The Irish can hold their liquor.
bullet The Italians are good with knives.
bullet Mexicans can make pinatas.
bullet The Japanese can make origami. Plus, they've popularized raw fish as a meal. Bonus points for them.
bullet The Chinese invented noodles.
bullet Jews know how to stretch a dollar.
bullet Midgets are good to rest drinks on.
bullet Germans can stuff anything into an animal casing.
bullet Canadians are easy to make fun of.
bullet Southerners can.....ummm....OH! Southerners know how to tip sleeping cows over.

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Insulting Lord North

By Lord Frederick North

ARISTOCRAT: Who is that ugly woman who just came in?
LORD NORTH: Oh, that is my wife.
ARISTOCRAT: Sir, I beg your pardon. I do not mean her. I mean
that shocking monster who is along with her.
LORD NORTH: That is my daughter.

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Mark Twain Has a Few Choice Words for France

Around the turn of the century, when the United States was still establishing its equality with many European nations, a noted Frenchman remarked that any time an American had nothing to do he could amuse himself by trying to find out who his grandfather was.

Naturally, Americans did not like this suggestion that they were a people of no descent, and there was very nearly an international incident when Mark Twain remarked, "And whenever a Frenchman has nothing to do, he can amuse himself endlessly by trying to find out who his father was."
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You Must be Single...

A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects milk, some eggs, a carton of juice, and an apple.

As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, while a drunk standing behind her in line watches. "You must be single," he slurs.

The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual about her selection says, "That's right. How on Earth did you know?"

"Simple," He replies, "you're ugly."
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His First Words After Eye Surgery...

Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said agreeably to his wife: "Boy, you sure have got fat in four years."
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Is This Seat Empty?

Man to lady: Is this seat empty?
Lady: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit there.
Man: Why, will you be on your knees sucking my cock?
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You're an Idiot!

A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch more venom than usual.

"You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You'll always be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in second."

"Why would I come in second?" the brow-beaten husband asked.

"Because you're an idiot!"
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Devil's Dictionary Excerpts
(Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary)

Idiot, noun. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant. The idiot's activity is not confined to any special field but 'pervades and regulates the whole.' He has the last word in everything and his decision is unappealable.

Politician, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society is reared. When he wriggles he mistakes the agitation of his tale for the trembling of the edifice. As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.

Rabble, n. In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authority tempered by fraudulent elections...

Ink- n. A villainous compound of tanno-gallate of iron, gum-Arabic and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime...

Diplomacy- n. the patriotic act of lying for one's country.

WOMAN, n. An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. The species is the most widely distributed of all beasts of prey, infesting all habitable parts of the globe.

Funeral, n. A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.

Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Grave- n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the doctor.

"Politics, noun. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage." --Ambrose Bierce

"Year, (noun) A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments."

Immigrant, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another.

Immoral, adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard to the greater number of instances men find to be generally inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral. If man's notion of right and wrong have any other basis than this of expediency; if they originated, or could have originated, in any other way; if actions have in themselves a moral character apart from and nowise dependent on their consequences---then all philosophy is a lie and reason a disorder of the mind.
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Where do You Think Cabbies Come From?

A mother, accompanied by her young daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."

The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud... They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"
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Hollywood Insults

On Julie Andrews: "Working with her is like being hit over the head with a Valentine's card." -Christopher Plummer

On Richard Gere: "I'm always trying to find diplomatic ways to talk about Richard and the movie 'An Officer and a Gentleman.' I liked him before we started but that is the last time I can remember talking to him." -Debra Winger

On Marilyn Monroe: "It's like kissing Hitler." -Tony Curtis

On Esther Williams: "Wet she's a star. Dry, she ain't." -Fanny Brice

On Jayne Mansfield: "Dramatic art in her opinion is knowing how to fill a sweater." -Bette Davis

On Rex Harrison: "The most brilliant actor that I have ever worked with. I've liked others very much more." -Anna Neagle.

On Margaret O'Brien: "If that child had been born in the Middle Ages, she'd have been burned as a witch." -Lionel Barrymore

On Marlon Brando: "He has preserved the mentality of an adolescent. When he doesn't try and someone's speaking to him, it's like a blank wall. In fact it's even less interesting because behind a blank wall you can always suppose that there's something interesting there." -Burt Reynolds


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