Russia
Insulted by Canadian Newspaper "The first human
who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization."
OTTAWA (Reuters) -
Canada said Tuesday that Russian diplomats had complained twice about
a Canadian newspaper editorial which branded Russia a filthy and corrupt
"lump of dung" where nothing good would ever happen. "The terrifying
power of the human sex drive is horrifically demonstrated by the fact
that someone was willing to father you." "She looked as
if she'd been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say when." "She speaks poniards,
and every word stabs. If her breath were as terrible as her terminations,
there were no living near her; she would infect to the North Star." "He was a foul
caricature of himself, a man with no soul, no inner convictions, with
the integrity of a hyena and the style of a poison toad." "I got a cab
in Paris. The driver smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a
permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse." "Susan is lean,
cadaverous, and intellectual, with the proportions of a file and the voice
of a hurdy-gurdy." John Randolph, a vitriolic
legislator from Virginia in the early decades of the American nation,
was well known to be impotent. Few were the men, however, who dared cross
him, and the House held its breath when a member, in the heat of debate,
made some slanting reference to Randolph's lack of sexual prowess.
"He is certainly the basest, meanest scoundrel that ever disgraced the image of God - nothing too mean or low for him to condescend to." - Andrew Jackson on Henry Clay (19th century American politician)
"A vacuum with nipples." -Otto Preminger of Marilyn Monroe When a snobbish, frumpy
high-society woman looked down her nose at W.C. Fields and said, "You
Sir, are drunk!" "I think it would be a good idea." - Mahatma Gandhi when asked what he thought of Western civilization. "Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word." - Charles de Gaulle, 1890-1970 "Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river." - Nikita Khruschev, 1894-1971 "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics." - Benjamin Disraeli, on the art of politics. "The right honourable gentleman's smile is like the silver fittings on a coffin." - Benjamin Disraeli, on Robert Peel. "You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance." - Edward Flaherty "Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars." - Fred Allen "Whatever happened to John Travolta? I heard he joined some cult and got fat. Or he married and had a child. Which amounts to the same thing." - Gerard Depardieu, on John Travolta "I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for." -Jasper Carrott, English comedian "He was a foul caricature of himself, a man with no soul, no inner convictions, with the integrity of a hyena and the style of a poison toad." - Hunter Thompson, on Richard Nixon. "If there is a Hell, Rome is built on top of it." - German saying "You look like an Easter Island statue with an ass full of razor blades." - Paul Keating to the Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Fraser. "He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice." - Albert Einstein "The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him." - Jim Samuels "He makes George
Bush seem like a personality" - Jackie Mason on John Major. "The five worst
infirmities that afflict the female are indocility, discontent, slander,
jealousy and silliness." "A hack
writer who would have been considered fourth rate in Europe, who tried
out a few of the old proven 'sure-fire' literary skeletons with sufficient
local color to intrigue the superficial and the lazy." "His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge." --Movie critic John Stark "When your IQ rises to 28, sell." --Professor Irwin Corey to a Heckler "I wonder is
anybody ever reached the age of thirty-five in New England without wanting
to kill himself." "Last week, I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had
ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw
that statement." "Michael Jackson's
album was only called "Bad" because there wasn't enough room
on the sleeve for 'Pathetic.'" "He
looks like a dwarf who's been dipped in a bucket of pubic hair."
"She
is so hairy, when she lifted up her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner
in her armpit." "I see her as one great stampede of lips directed at the nearest derriere." --Noel Coward "I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion." "You couldn't
beat your meat to The 200 Best Playboy Centerfolds Ever, you clueless,
uber-impotent fuckwit." "I bet
you're the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even
have the god damned common courtesy to give him a reach around." "I'll
be sober tomorrow, but you'll be crazy for the rest of your life." "If
all the girls who attended the Harvard-Yale game were laid end to end,
I wouldn't be surprised." "Your
idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time."
"I'm sorry, Mr. Kipling, but you just don't know how to use the English language." --The editor of the San Francisco Examiner, rejecting a 1889 article by Rudyard Kipling. One day a man approached
Groucho Marx and he said, "Please insult my wife. My wife loves your
work. It would really give her a thrill if you insulted her." "Life
is a God-damned, stinking, treacherous game and nine hundred and ninety-nine
men out of a thousand are bastards." "She
had the personality of a ZIP code in Kansas." "When
he has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own
rocks." "This is one
of those big, fat paperbacks, intended to while away a monsoon or two,
which, if thrown with a good over arm action, will bring a water buffalo
to its knees." "Your
manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is original is
not good, and the part that is good, is not original." --Samuel Johnson "There
are 100,000 total marijuana smokers in the U.S., and most are Negroes,
Hispanics, Filipinos and entertainers. Their Satanic music, jazz and swing,
result from marijuana use. This marijuana can cause white women to seek
sexual relations with Negroes, entertainers and any others... The primary
reason to outlaw marijuana is its effect on the degenerate races." "O womb!
O belly! O stinking cod, fulfilled of dung and of corruption! At either
end of thee, foul is the sound!" "Aside
from the moral contamination incident to the average theatre, the influence
intellectually is degrading. Its lessons are morbid, distorted and superficial.
They do not mirror life." "Why
are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?" They don't
hardly make 'em like him any more - but just to be on the safe side, he
should be castrated anyway.
Lying sack of shit! Worthless bucket of donkey snot! If you had a brain, you'd take it out and play with it. If you had one more braincell you'd be an idiot. I've got house plants smarter than you. Something Good to Say About Everyone
By Lord Frederick North ARISTOCRAT:
Who is that ugly woman who just came in? Mark Twain Has a Few Choice Words for France Around the turn of the century, when the United States was still establishing its equality with many European nations, a noted Frenchman remarked that any time an American had nothing to do he could amuse himself by trying to find out who his grandfather was. Naturally, Americans
did not like this suggestion that they were a people of no descent, and
there was very nearly an international incident when Mark Twain remarked,
"And whenever a Frenchman has nothing to do, he can amuse himself
endlessly by trying to find out who his father was." A woman is shopping
in the local supermarket. She selects milk, some eggs, a carton of juice,
and an apple. His First Words After Eye Surgery... Alexander Robinson
of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened
his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said agreeably to his
wife: "Boy, you sure have got fat in four years." Man to lady:
Is this seat empty? A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch more venom than usual. "You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You'll always be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in second." "Why would I come in second?" the brow-beaten husband asked. "Because
you're an idiot!" Devil's
Dictionary Excerpts Idiot, noun. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant. The idiot's activity is not confined to any special field but 'pervades and regulates the whole.' He has the last word in everything and his decision is unappealable. Politician,
n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized
society is reared. When he wriggles he mistakes the agitation of his tale
for the trembling of the edifice. As compared with the statesman, he suffers
the disadvantage of being alive. Ink- n. A villainous compound of tanno-gallate of iron, gum-Arabic and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime... Diplomacy- n. the patriotic act of lying for one's country. WOMAN, n. An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. The species is the most widely distributed of all beasts of prey, infesting all habitable parts of the globe. Funeral, n. A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears. Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. Grave- n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the doctor. "Politics, noun. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage." --Ambrose Bierce "Year, (noun) A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments." Immigrant, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another. Immoral,
adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard to the greater
number of instances men find to be generally inexpedient comes to be considered
wrong, wicked, immoral. If man's notion of right and wrong have any other
basis than this of expediency; if they originated, or could have originated,
in any other way; if actions have in themselves a moral character apart
from and nowise dependent on their consequences---then all philosophy
is a lie and reason a disorder of the mind. Where do You Think Cabbies Come From? A mother, accompanied by her young daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?" The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work." The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud... They're hookers!" A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?" The mother
replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?" Hollywood
Insults On Marilyn Monroe: "It's like kissing Hitler." -Tony Curtis On Esther Williams: "Wet she's a star. Dry, she ain't." -Fanny Brice On Jayne Mansfield: "Dramatic art in her opinion is knowing how to fill a sweater." -Bette Davis On Rex Harrison: "The most brilliant actor that I have ever worked with. I've liked others very much more." -Anna Neagle. On Margaret O'Brien: "If that child had been born in the Middle Ages, she'd have been burned as a witch." -Lionel Barrymore On Marlon
Brando: "He has preserved the mentality of an adolescent. When he
doesn't try and someone's speaking to him, it's like a blank wall. In
fact it's even less interesting because behind a blank wall you can always
suppose that there's something interesting there." -Burt Reynolds
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