Irish Prayer
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"

Irish Shopping
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

I've Lost Me Luggage
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

Water to Wine
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Reading Headstones at Night
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean, and Shamus, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy. "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul; he lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean. "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Shamus yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

One-Liners
Q. Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
A. He couldn't afford plane fare.

Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing? 
A: He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. 

Q: What has 26,000 legs, and an IQ of 34?
A: The entire St. Patrick's Day parade!

Q: What's an Irish 7 course meal?
A: A six-pack and a potato.

Q: How can you identify an Irish pirate? 
A: He's the one with patches over both eyes.

Q: What do Irishmen and Jesus Christ have in common?
A: They both lived with their mother until they were 33 and neither had a job!


Paddy's Interpretation of the Instructions Lands Him in Hot Water

An Irishman went to see the doctor with a hole in his earlobe and blisters all over his feet.

The doctor asked, "What happened, Paddy?"

Paddy replied, "I was opening a Christmas pudding, and on the packet it said: 'pierce ere and stand in boiling water'."

If you continue drinking, you'll shrink to the size of a mouse

Paddy was an inveterate drunkard.  The local priest met him one day and gave him a strong lecture about drink.  He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse."

This frightened the life out of Paddy.  He went home that night, and said to his wife, "Bridget, if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"

Goin' to Confession

Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional.  "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned," he said.  "I've blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!"

"All right, my son," admonished the priest. "For penance, do the stations!"

Pat and Kieran were getting ready to go on a camping trip. Pat turned to Kieran said "I'm taking along a gallon of whiskey just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?"

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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
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Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a pipe-wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
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Paddy was envious of his friend Mick's success in picking up girls at the beach, and asked his advice.

Mick suggested that he put a pair of rolled up socks down his swimming trunks "now 'dat outa create a bit o' interest" he assured Paddy. Paddy followed his advice, but it was a dismal failure. He did even worse, with girls actually running away as soon as he approached them.

Once again, he sought advice from Mick who told him.

"Begorrah Paddy, I lov ya, but you're such an eejit! You're supposed to be puttin' yer sox down der FRONT of yer pants!"
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Hiya, I'm a virus from Ireland.
Please forward this email to all the contacts in your personal address book.
Then delete all the files on your hard disk.
That's great, thanks very much.
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An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents.  After a few years, they asked her to come home for a visit as her father was getting frail and elderly.

She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing fur and diamonds.

As she walked into the house her father said 'Hmmm - they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London.'

The girl took his hands and said 'Dad - I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer.  I've become a prostitute.'

Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over.

The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called.

As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly "I'm a goner - killed by my own daughter!  Killed by the shame of what you've become!"

"Please forgive me; his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."

Brushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed, smiling. "Did you say prostitute? Thank God - I thought you said Protestant!"
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An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand.  He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie.  The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes."

The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout."

POOF!  There is a pint of stout in his hand.  He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you."  So he looks at the bottle, and it is magically filling back up with stout.  The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it." 

The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?"

The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these!"
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A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.

"Hello, said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Murphy."

"Well you're in luck," said the farmer, "as it happens, there's a village over the hill, where there's a butcher called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, three widows are called Murphy. In fact my name is Murphy."

"Aha," thought the agent, "here's my man." So he whispered the secret code. "The sun is shining...the grass is growing...the  cows are ready for milking."

"Oh," said the farmer, "you're looking for Murphy the spy - he's in the village over the other direction."
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Tim Kelly was walking through a dim passageway when someone spoke to him.  "Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffled figure. "Don't ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan any more?" 

Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch.  "Saints!" cried Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely jump from the trestle?" 

"It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel of it. But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when
Murphy himself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me." 

"He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself, Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?" 

"Only Mrs. Murphy's ass," said Grogan. "It's a beautiful thing in itself, but not worth a dam in a fight." 

Version 2:

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his
nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

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Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guiness!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into a frothy, dark vat of the finest Guiness ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guiness on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot!  Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"

PART ONE:

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry. 

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's Hiace to drive to the top of the Conor Pass.

At the Conor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Feck dat. Dis budgie jumping is too feckin' dangerous for me!"

        --------------------------------------------


PART TWO:

Moments later Seamus arrives up at Conor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.  Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

        --------------------------------------------

PART THREE:

Paddy is just getting over the shock of loosing two friends when Sean Og appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Feck that Lads. First der was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now Sean Og is feckin' hengliding!"
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Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what's happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body. "Englishman, 60, died of heart failure while on a roller coaster. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." "Nothing unusual here", thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body.

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Irishman, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. To which the coroner replies, "He thought he was having his picture taken."
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"Paddy," asked the barmaid, "what are those two bulges in the front of your trousers?" 

"Ah," said Paddy. "They're hand grenades. Next time that queer O'Flaherty comes feeling my balls, I'll blow his bloody fingers off!" 
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Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the bejeezus out of him.

As poor Paddy wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to hell I'll take ye."

Paddy, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell are you?"

To that the Missus replied, "I'm the devil ya' damned old fool."

To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister!"
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