Two Bees buzzing around a Flower...
Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush. "How was your summer?" asks bee number one.
"Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen."
The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit." Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off.
An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the info-bee.
"Great!" says buddy-bee.
The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your head?"
yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was
Hitler and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders
A guy walks into a bar in Argentina. He sees a familiar character, albeit much older now, sitting at the bar. He approaches, examines his face, and asks:
"Excuse me, but aren't you Adolf Hitler?"
"Vy yes, I am Adolf Hitler."
"But I thought you were dead!"
"Ach. I get a lot of dat. But in fact, I am chust biding my time, planning a scheme to kill fifty million Jews and eight of der Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders."
"What?" the guy exclaims. "Why would you want to kill eight of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders?"
Hitler turns to another fellow sitting at the bar next to him.
see vat I mean? Nobody gives a damn about da Jews!!!"
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says, after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: "what does a priest know of sex?" He goes to a minister... a married man, experienced.. for the answer.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply.. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge...A Rabbi.
Rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely
play." The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when
so many others tell me sex is work?!" The Rabbi softly speaks,"
If sex were work...my wife would have the housekeeper do it."
During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting.
The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up...
The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98 year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, So he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation. The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
Then the rabbi said to the old man, "The congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand..."
old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is the tradition!"
A Chinese Pilot and a Jewish Pilot
An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish, and the First Officer is Taiwan Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and it is obvious by the silence that they don't get along. After thirty minutes, the Captain finally speaks. He says, "I don't like Chinese."
The F.O. replies, "Ooooh, no like Chinese?? Why is that?" The Captain says, "You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." The F.O. says, "Nooooo, noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That JAPANESE, not Chinese."
And the Captain answers, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it doesn't matter. They're all alike."
Another thirty minutes of silence.
Finally the First Officer says, "No like Jew." The Captain replies, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic." The Captain tries to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."
Goldberg, Rosenberg .. no mattah .. all same."
elderly Jewish lady is leaving the garment district to go home from work.
Suddenly a man who has been walking towards her, stands in front of her,
blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes her. Unruffled, she
takes a look and remarks, "This you call a lining?"
Jewish View on When Life Begins
is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins. In Jewish
tradition the fetus is not considered a viable human being until after
graduation from medical school.
A man called his mother in Florida. He said to his mother, "How are you doing?"
She said, "Not too good. I've been very weak."
The son then asked, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son then asked, "How come you haven't eaten in 38 days.?"
said, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when
An Italian, a Frenchman and a Jew are about to be executed
Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
The Italian responds, Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then executed.
The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then executed.
The Jew requests a plate of strawberries.
He is told "But they are out of season !"
I'll wait . . . ."
opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were
all disheveled and he looked "needy". " Can I help you?"
the Madame asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir,
Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies; perhaps someone else..."
Long List of Jewish One-Liners
first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful
deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were
talking amongst themselves in Yiddish.
A Rabbi a Priest and a Monk...
A Rabbi, a Priest
and a Monk are talking about how they choose to give to God. The monk
says that he draws a line down the middle of the room and then throws
the money into the air. Whatever lands on the left side goes to god, and
whatever lands on the right goes to the monk. The Priest says that he
has a similar scheme, he draws a circle on the floor, then throws the
money into the air. Whatever lands in the circle goes to God, and whatever
lands outside goes to him. The Rabbi says that he too has a similar idea.
He takes the money, throws it into the air and takes whatever god doesn't.
A priest goes into
a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber, and asks how much he
A man was
sitting at a bar, feeling very horny. There was a woman sitting at the
other end of the bar and he was very interested in her. However, she showed
no interest in him at all.
Top 15 Jewish Country-Western Songs
It is teeming rain in the flood plain of the Mississippi Valley, and the rising river begins to threaten all manner of private homes, including that of the local Rabbi. With water coming into the ground floor, a rowboat with police comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous." The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."
Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at which point the Rabbi has been forced up to the second floor of his house. A second police rowboat comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous." The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."
The rain does not stop, and the Rabbi is forced up onto the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over, and the officer shouts down, "Rabbi, grab the rope and we'll pull you up! You're in terrible danger!" The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."
The deluge continues, and the Rabbi is swept off the roof, carried away in the current and drowns. He goes up to heaven, and at the Pearly Gates he is admitted, and comes before the Divine Presence. The Rabbi asks, "Dear Lord, I don't understand. I've been a righteous observant person my whole life, and depended on you to save me in my hour of need. Where were you?"
And the Lord answered,
"Schmuck, I sent two boats and a helicopter. What more do you want?"
An elderly Jewish couple were going out to dinner...
An elderly Jewish
couple were going out to dinner. The woman comes out of the bedroom and
says to her husband,
A daughter comes home
from the Peace Corps in Uganda and surprises her mother who is in the
process of lighting the Friday night candles and serving the matzoh ball
soup. The mother is so thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing her
daughter. Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about
what you were doing."
A Jewish lady goes into a furniture store owned by a Jewish man. She picks out a lamp she likes and brings it to the counter.
She finds out the price is $69.95 and says, "Oy, down the street at Goldstein's these are only $49.95!"
The owner asks why she doesn't buy it from Goldstein's, and she says, "Because they just ran out of them."
The owner throws up his hands and says, "Ha! When I'm out of them, they're only $29.95!"
A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and lame. They start talking and she asks about his life. He talks about his wife and his 13 children.
"My, my," says the nun, "13 children, a good, proper Catholic family. God is very proud of you."
"I'm sorry Sister," he says, "I am not Catholic, I'm Jewish."
she replies, "You sex maniac you."
Why are They Always Jewish Jokes?
So one guy says to
another guy, "Mandelbaum and Rosenstern were talking one day..."
Jesus is wandering around Jerusalem when he decides he really needs a new robe. After looking around, he sees a sign for "Finkelstein, the Tailor."
He goes in and Finkelstein prepares a new robe for him which is a perfect fit. When he asks how much he owes, Finkelstein brushes him off: "No, no, there's no charge. But, may I ask a small favor? Maybe whenever you give a sermon you could just mention a little something about how your nice robe was prepared by Finkelstein the Tailor." Jesus readily agrees and, as promised, plugs Finkelstein's robes every time he preaches.
Some months later, He is wandering through Jerusalem and happens by Finkelstein's shop. He is amazed to see a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushes his way through the crowd to speak to Finkelstein himself.
Jesus, Jesus, look what a marvel you've been for business," gushes Finkelstein. "Would you consider a partnership?"
Sure, sure," replies Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."
Uh, no, no," says Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus."
The two of them argue for some time about the name. Finally, they come to a compromise decision.
They decided to name
the new business Lord & Taylor
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when he looks out, he sees this old Jew praying vigorously.
So the journalist goes down to the wall, and introduces himself to the old man. He asks "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for? "The old Jew replies "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth.
"The amazed journalist finally asks "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?"
The old Jew replies
calmly "Like I'm talking to a wall."
Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one.
A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a matchbox and out popped a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!"
The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai also opened a matchbox and out popped a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is really very impressive!"
The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a matchbox and out popped a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whooooossshhh whooooossshh whooooossshhh.
A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks: "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai
smiled, "Well, circumcision is not intended to kill."
Shul Gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81
Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43.
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658
Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours. POB 72
Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane.
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 43.
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56.
Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435.
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.
80-year-old bubbe, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I?
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to.
Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76
shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching,
kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 77
Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Convert to Catholicism and get $10."
One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign.
His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"
"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."
Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"
Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."
With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.
"So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?"
Murray looks up at
him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"
Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancey Street one day wishing something wonderful would change his life, when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, "Quawwwwk... vus machst du...yeah, du...outside, standing like a schlemiel...eh?"
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..."
Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said, "Vus? Ir kent reddin Yiddish?"
Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"
"Vuh den? Chinese maybe?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot in Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America, about how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride, about his family, about his years of working in the garment center, about Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. Finally, they both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while, saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do it too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven, so Meyer taught him how read Hebrew, and taught him every prayer in the Siddur with the appropriate nussach for the daily services. Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah, Mishnah and Gemara. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew.
On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was no place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a sight when they arrived at the Shul, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor, who refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days. However, Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could daven.
Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even money) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.
All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"
"Daven...feigelleh, please! You can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!"
After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home quite upset, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the Shul, the bird, happy as a lark, began to sing an old Yiddish song. Meyer stopped and looked at him.
"You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tfillin, taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"
be a schlemiel," the parrot replied. "You know the odds we'll
get for Yom Kippur?!"
A Jewish man was in an accident and his penis was amputated. He was rushed to the hospital where the doctor examined him, and after careful examination, the doctor called for a plastic surgeon.
"We can replace your penis with a small size for $5,000, a medium size for $15,000, or an extra-large size for $30,000," he said. "I realize it's a lot of money, so take your time and talk it over with your wife,"
When the doctor came back into the room he found the man staring sadly at the floor. The doctor asked him what the decision was.
The man said, "My
wife said she'd rather have a new mink."
A traveling salesman visits to a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading, "Don't miss the Amazing Goldstein!" Curious, he buys a ticket and sits through the usual circus acts.
Animals, clowns, contortionists, and other questionable acts. Finally the trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There in the middle of the ring is a table with three walnuts on it. In comes a little old Jewish man, five feet tall and barely able to walk to the table. He unzips his pants and whips out a long shlong and proceeds to smash all three walnuts with three swings!
The crowd erupts in thunderous applause as the elderly Goldstein is carried off on the shoulders of clowns.
Twenty years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same "Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein." He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act! Again he buys a ticket, sits through the acts, and again the center ring is illuminated. This time three coconuts are on the table and old Goldstein takes forever to make it to the table. He smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing weapon and the crowd goes crazy!
The salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. In his dressing room he tells him he's never seen anything like the act. But he wants to know why he is now smashing coconuts instead of the much easier walnuts.
says Goldstein, "my eyes aren't vhat they used to be!"
A priest and a rabbi are discussing the pros and cons of their various religions, and inevitably the discussion turns to repentance. The rabbi explains Yom Kippur, the solemn Day of Atonement, a day of fasting and penitence, while the priest tells him all about Lent, and its 40 days of self-denial and absolution from sins.
After the discussion
ends, the rabbi goes home to tell his wife about the conversation, and
they discuss the merits of Lent versus Yom Kippur. She turns her head
and laughs. The rabbi says, "What's so funny, dear?" Her response,
"40 days of Lent - one day of Yom Kippur...so, even when it comes
to sin, the goyyim pay retail!"
Where Will Those Jews Advertise Next?
This Jewish guy pays a visit to the local whore-house. He's too cheap to buy a rubber, so instead he wraps the label from his coat around his dick. Needless to say, this falls off in coitus, but he never notices.
Later the same day an Irish-man purchases the services of the same girl, and just as he's about to come he notices something fall out of her cunt.
Picking it up, he reads: "Roth & stein, Tailors."
he says, "where will those Jews advertise next?"
Abe ran into Moishe one afternoon. "Moishe, nu? What's new?"
"Abe, I'm into racehorses at the moment. I have a couple of real winners and have won already a lot of money."
"How can I get into it Moishe?"
"Well, I have a horse I'm looking to sell. It has had 24 starts and won nine. I'll let you have it for $120,000."
Abe agreed and gave Moishe a check for $120,000. Three days later, Abe was excitedly waiting at the front gate for his horse to arrive. The horse van pulled up and inside was a dead racehorse.
A month later, Abe ran into Moishe, who has been avoiding him the last few weeks. "Moishe, nu? What's new?"
"Umm, things are well, and how's by you?"
"Things are great!"
"Abe, you're not upset I sold you a dead racehorse?"
"Not at all Moishe. In fact, it made me a lot of money."
"How is that? It was dead!"
"Well, I had a raffle. I sold 100,000 tickets at $5 a ticket with the horse as the prize."
"Wasn't the winner upset he won a dead racehorse?"
Abe shrugged. "So,
I gave him back his $5!"
A Christian, a Moslem, and a Jewish man, all very pious, met at an interfaith congress and got to talking about the experiences that had lead to their religious devotion.
The Christian recounted being on a plane when it ran into a terrible storm over a remote wilderness area. "There was lightning and thunder all around us. The pilot told us to brace for the crash. I dropped to my knees and prayed to God to save us. Then for a thousand feet all around us the wind calmed and the rain stopped. We made it to the airport. And since then my faith has never wavered."
The Moslem then told of a terrifying incident on his pilgrimage to Mecca. "A tremendous sandstorm came up out of nowhere, and within minutes my camel and I were almost buried. Sure I was going to die, I prostrated myself toward Mecca and prayed to Allah to deliver me. And suddenly, for a thousand feet all around me, the swirling dust settled and I was able to make my way safely across the desert. Since then I have been the most devout of believers."
the Jewish man then told his story. "One Sabbath I was walking back
from the temple when I saw a huge sack of money just lying there at the
edge of the road. It had clearly been abandoned, and I felt it was mine
to take home. But obviously this would have been a violation of the Sabbath.
So I dropped to my knees and prayed to Yahweh. And suddenly, for a thousand
feet all around me, it was Tuesday."
The Widow Buys a Memorial Stone
A Jewish woman's husband dies and she has only $20,000 to her name.
After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that she has no money left. The friend says, "How can that be?
You told me you still had $20,000 left just a few days before your husband died. How could you be broke?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $5,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the temple, so that was another $5,000. The rest went for the memorial stone.
The friend says, "$10,000 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"
Extending her left
hand, the widow says, "Three carats."
A man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, " Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." The next day the Rabbi calls the man and says, " Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone yesterday for over three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, " Yes."
"Take the poison.,"
says the Rabbi.
Moishe owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses in Miami, a furniture store.
I convinced him that he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the merchandise himself, and because he was still single, he could check out all the hot Italian women, and maybe get lucky.
As Moishe was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady...she only spoke Italian and he only spoke English, so he took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park.
Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded so they went to dinner.
After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
Moishe was dumbfounded,
and to this day remarks to me that he's never been able to understand
how she knew he was in the furniture business.
Two orthodox Jews went to Pincus the tailor for new suits. "Listen, Pincus," one said, "the last suits you made for us were sort of gray. We need black suits, the darkest black cloth that we can get."
"See this cloth?" Pincus said, fingering a bolt of fabric. "This is the stuff they make nuns' habits from. There ain't no blacker cloth."
A few weeks later, the two men were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, one of the men went up to the nuns and matched his suit against their habits. Becoming angry, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked off.
"What did that man want?" one nun asked the other.
"I don't know," she replied, "He looked at my garment, said something in Latin and left."
"Well, I know a little Latin. What did he say?"
"He said, 'Pincus
A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park.
He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzoh, a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.
A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzoh to the blind man.
The blind man handled
the matzoh for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who
wrote this garbage!?"
Two executives working in the garment center are having lunch together. Goldstein says to his friend, "Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life."
"What happened?" asks Birnbaum.
Goldstein moans, "My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. It rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands of dollars on the credit card. I came back to New York and found out that my rat brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with my best model on my desk!"
"You think you had a bad week?" responds Birnbaum. "My week was even worse! I went to Florida on vacation with my wife and it rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands on the credit card. Then, when I got back to New York, I found out that my rat cousin accountant has been ripping me off for millions. To top it all off, when I came in to my office on Monday, I found my son having sex with my best model on my desk!"
"How can you say that your week was worse than mine?" asks Goldstein. "It was identical!"
replies Birnbaum. "I manufacture menswear..."
Two Jews Caught Up in a Bank Robbery
Two Jews are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on the first Jew slips something in the second Jew's hand.
Without looking down,
the second Jew whispers, "What is this?" to which the first
Jew replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."
Catholic School Improves His Math
A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, not to mention summer school -- all to no avail.
Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face.
He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For two hours he toiled away in his room -- with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.
Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw the letter 'A' under the subject of Math.
Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked.
The boy shook his head and said "No."
"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
the son, "on that first day, when I walked in the front door and
saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!"
A little old Jewish lady is flying out of New York City on her way to Miami Beach. She looks at the businessman sitting next to her and asks him, "Excuse me sir, but are you Jewish?"
The man responds politely, "No, ma'am, I'm not Jewish."
After a little while she again queries him. "You're really Jewish, aren't you?"
Again he responds, "No, ma'am, I am not Jewish."
Barely 10 minutes later, the little old lady asks him once more, "Are you sure you're not Jewish?"
To which, in exasperation and in a final effort to shut her up, he replies, "OK. Yes, ma'am, I am Jewish."
she says, looking puzzled. "You don't look Jewish!"
A Jewish gentleman stood before a delicatessen display counter and pointed to a tray. "I'll have a pound of that salmon," he said.
"That's not salmon," the clerk said, "it's ham."
the customer snapped, "in case nobody ever told you, you got a big
A Cabbie Stops to Intervene in a Mugging
A cab driver picks
up a Jewish passenger. As they are driving down the road, the driver sees
a black man mugging an old woman. The driver stops to try and help the
Tasting Matzoh Ball Soup for the First Time
A Jewish family invited
their gentile neighbors for holiday dinner. The first course was set in
front of them and the Jewish couple announced, "This is matzoh ball
Or I Could Let You Have Three Elephants for...
Two Jewish businessmen
meet in a restaurant for a lunch suggested by one of them. The inviter
says, "I have a good deal for you. When I was in Florida, I went
to the town where the circus stays during the winter. I happened to pick
up an elephant. I could let you have it for three thousand dollars."
How Did You Know I Was From...
A man gets off a plane
in Boston and heads immediately for the men's room. It's crowded but he
finds a vacant urinal to gain relief after the long flight and after having
The Most Famous Man Who Ever Lived...
One day at kindergarten,
the teacher says to the class of five-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to
the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
She Was Only Unfaithful Three Times
An old Jewish couple
was sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife, Sarah, "We
are about to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary. Tell me, have
you ever been unfaithful to me?