Getting the Rabbi to Say Kaddish for His Dog An old man had a dog
- his only companion for his remaining years. Sadly, the dog died. He
was so attached to the dog, that he went to see his Rabbi and asked if
he would arrange to say Kaddish for the dog. Grandpa Likes the Catholic Nursing Home A Jewish family
is considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Jewish
facilities are completely full so they have to put him in a Catholic home.
After a few weeks in the Catholic facility they come to visit grandpa. Finding an Apartment With Seven Kids Ira and Esther Goldberg
had a large family of seven healthy children. They moved to America
from Europe and were having a difficult time finding an apartment to live
in. A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any final questions. The man asks, "Is
it true that men and women don't dance together?" "So I can't
dance with my own wife?" "Well, okay,"
says the man, "but what about sex?" "What about
different positions?" the man asks. "Woman on top?"
the man asks. "How about
doggie-style?" "Well, what
about standing up?" Four Rabbis Having an Argument So it seems that
these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were
always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after
the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified
that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick! A team of archeologists
is excavating in Israel when they find a cave with the symbols of a woman,
a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David on the wall.
Jewish Survivor
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife: "You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell". "Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?" "You're
coming empty handed"? It was a
small town and the Catholic Priest, the Protestant Minister and the Jewish
Rabbi were very good friends. Of course, there was a lot of kidding and
joking between them all year long. I'll Have a Pound of That Salmon A Jewish
gentleman stood in front of the delicatessen display counter and pointed
to a tray. "I'll have a pound of that salmon," he said.
Golda and Marty Are Having an Affair
Trying to Get a Haircut in Jerusalem A tourist was visiting
Jerusalem, and spotted a striped barbers pole outside a shop. He thought
to himself, "I could do with a bit of a trim!" Irving and
Max are sitting in a bar talking about their favorite sexual position. Captain Cohen Doesn't Make Mistakes In the mid 60's,
a US Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive
the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner: So For Ninety Cents, You're Going to Make Trouble? A Jewish
girl came home one day and said, "Ma, I got married." Her mother
said, "Oy, that's great." Two beggars
are sitting on a park bench in Ireland. One is holding a cross and one
a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People
walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money
in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with
the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty. A new IRS auditor,
eager to make a name for himself, decided to review the tax returns of
the local synagogue. He proceeded to interrogate the Rabbi, asking
him what the synagogue did with the wax drippings from the Shabbat, Havdallah
and Chanukah candles. God came
down and first he went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments
for you that will make your lives better." A movie producer
advertised for a Texan, 6 feet tall, weighing 200 lbs. One morning, about
3 o'clock, he got a phone call in answer to the ad from a fellow who spoke
with a New York Jewish accent. Comparing Jewish and Chinese Wisdom A Jewish man and
a Chinese man were conversing. The Jewish man commented upon what
a wise people the Chinese are. Is There a Doctor in the House? A woman's
strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please,
is there a doctor in the house?!" Morty and Saul's Boat is Sinking Two Jews,
Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts
sinking.
Bet you didn't know the Beatles had a Jewish
Album...
The First Female Jewish President is Elected The year
is 2012 and the United States of America has just elected the first woman,
as well as the first Jewish President, a Susan Vineberg. An Old Jew Reading Farrakhan's Newspaper An old Jew
is sitting on a park bench reading Louis Farrakhan's newspaper. His friend
Harry walks by, stops, and says, "Irv, what are you doing reading
that paper? You should be reading The Jewish Journal.'" The Price of Pretzels Has Gone Up A little
old Jewish lady sold pretzels on a street corner for twenty-five cents
each. Every day a young lawyer would leave his office building at lunch
time, and as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter
but never take a pretzel. Looking for a Watch Repair Shop An American
tourist was visiting in the Netherlands. During his stay in Amsterdam
his watch stopped running. He asked one of the locals where he could get
his watch fixed. The tourist was guided to the Jewish section of town.
He was then directed toward a shop that had clocks displayed in the window.
The American tourist entered the shop. Inside, behind a desk, sat an elderly
Jewish man with a full beard. A Jewish Lady is Interested in a Crucifix A Jewish
lady walks into Tiffany's to buy her granddaughter something unusual for
her birthday. Explaining Rosh Hashanah to Her Roommate A Jewish
girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for Rosh
Hashanah. A Jewish father, Moishe, is speaking with his eldest son, Yitzak.... Father, I am going to marry! Moishe begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila. Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl? What is her name? O'Brien, replies the son. She's Catholic Oy! says the father. But are you happy? I'm happy, says the son.. OK, as long as you're happy.... my blessings to you both, replies Moishe. But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah. Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening, Father, I, too, will be married soon! Again Moishe breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises. What is her name, he asks. Kazalopopodopolous, says the son. She's Greek Orthodox. Oy, says
Moishe. But are you happy? I'm happy, father... OK.Then you, too, have
my blessing, Moishe says. Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, Father! I am to wed in the spring! Her NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME? his father immediately demands. Goldberg! says Chutzpah. Moishe is beside himself with joy! Praise God! Praise the Prophets! Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, Is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter Shelley, from Newark? No... says Chutzpah... Hmmm, says Moishe... Must be Attorney Goldberg's daughter Rachel from Hollywood? Ah...no, father says Chutzpah... Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful son? "Whoopi
"! President Bush Goes to a Synagogue President
Bush was very curious about how the Jewish people knew everything before
he did. So he called the CIA and FBI and asked them to figure it out.
A week later they came back and said, "Mr. President, the Jews have
something called Shabbat, and they meet each other at the synagogue, and
there is a code. Morris Epstein Taking His Citizenship Test Morris Epstein
was taking an oral exam applying for US citizenship. Three Jews
are on the beach in Miami. The first one says, "Yeah, I used
to have a clothing store. Funny thing was it caught fire and burned
to the ground. I took the insurance money and moved to Miami." A guy from
Brooklyn was in Hong Kong. While passing through a jewish neighborhood
he was surprised to see a synagogue. He went in and sure enough, he saw
a Chinese rabbi and a Chinese congregation. The service was touching. Finally Bringing His Wife to Orgasm An older
Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are deeply in love. However,
no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm.
His wife demands sexual pleasure, so they decide to ask the rabbi for
advice. The rabbi listens to their story and makes the following suggestion. The Italian
says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine." 1. There
are no Jews living in: 2. The cleaning
lady in a Jewish household is expected to: 3. To make
a good pet for a Jewish child, an animal must be: 4. Jews spend
their vacations: 5. A Jewish
mouth never: 6. If there's
a hairdresser in your immediate family, you are: 7. Wilderness
means: 8. The most
popular outdoor sport among Jews is: 9. Jews never
drive: 10. A truly
unsuitable gift for a Jewish person is: 11. A Jewish
skydiver is: 12. Jews
never eat at restaurants that: 13. No Jewish
person in history has ever been known to: 14. There
is no such thing as a Jewish: 15. Jews
never sing: 16. You won't
catch a Jewish person on a: 17. Jews
are ambivalent about:
39-51: Mazel Tov! You know a lot about Jews. Either you've studied your loved one's family carefully, out of desire for true closeness plus your respect for their traditions, or you're from either Florida or New York. They'll adore you. 29-38: You're not quite there yet, but don't panic. Just remember to do everything louder, longer and with a lot more butter than you're used to. 17-28: Sorry.
Better study harder. Or consider getting a divorce and buying a Nathan's
franchise. A Priest, A Minister and a Rabbi on Money A priest, minister and a rabbi are discussing how they divide the money that comes into the church. The priest explains that he takes the money into the church basement and draws a circle on the floor. He then throws the money in the air and what falls inside the circle is God's and the rest is his. The minister says he takes the money into the basement of the church and draws a line on the floor. He throws the money in the air and what falls on one side of the line is God's and the rest is his. The rabbi
does something remarkably similar. He takes the money into the basement
of the temple. He throws is up in the air and he figures God will take
what he wants while it's up there! A old Jewish man on his deathbed whispered, "Sarah, Sarah, where are you, my dear wife?" "Right here at your side, my love." "And my son, Moishe...where is he?" "Right here at your side, papa." "And my daughter, Mitsy...where is she?" "Right here at your side, papa." "And my son, Abraham...where is he?" "Right here at your side, papa." "What,
none of you assholes is minding the store?" A Rabbi is walking slowly down the street when a gust of wind blows his hat from his head. The hat is being blown down the street, but he is an old man and can't walk fast enough to catch the hat. Across the street a Gentile sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and then returns it to the Rabbi. "I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat," said the Rabbi. "Thank you very much." The Rabbi then places his hand on the man's shoulder and says, "May God bless you." The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the Racetrack and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first. In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1, so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also. Finally at the end of the day he returns home to his wife. When she asks him where he's been, he explains how he caught the Rabbi's hat and was blessed by him and then went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names. "So where's the money?" she asks. "I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost." "You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat!" "It
doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse
named Yarmulka." Three Women Bragging About Their Husbands Mrs. Cohen, Mrs. Levy, and Mrs. Lefkovitz are discussing their sons. Mrs. Cohen says, "Now my Sheldon, what a man! A world famous lawyer, he is, with big shot clients, a mansion in Beverly Hills, a winter home in Hawaii. He has a beautiful wife, and everything a man could want in the world." Mrs. Levy says, "That's nice. Let me tell you about my son Jonathan. He is a doctor, a world-famous researcher. He travels across the world to conferences, talks, and lectures. He was nominated for a Nobel prize in Medicine. What a man!" Mrs. Lefkovitz says, "My Hershel, he's an engineer. Now, he makes maybe $35,000 a year, and he's not famous. But his penis is so long, you can line up ten pigeons in a row on it." The ladies sip their tea for a while. Then, Mrs. Cohen says, "Actually, I got a confession to make. Sheldon's an up-and-coming lawyer in Los Angeles, but he doesn't have a mansion or a summer home. He's a bright young man with a good future." Mrs. Levy says: "Well, I got a confession too. Jonathan is a good doctor, and he got his share of scholarships, but a Nobel prizewinner, he isn't." They all look expectantly at Mrs. Lefkovitz. "Well,
all right, I'll tell the truth too. The last bird has to stand on one
leg." Although born to a Catholic family, Chester had always wanted to be Jewish. As a senior in college, he decided to take the plunge and go through the formal conversion process. He studied Judaism all semester. Finally, he felt he was ready to take the test and complete the conversion. On the appointed day, he arrived at the Rabbi's office, ready to begin. The Rabbi said, "I'm sorry, but before I give you the test, I must discuss my fee, It's $5,000." "$5,000!" exclaimed Chester, "That's a lot of money. How about $500?" "Congratulations,
you pass." said the Rabbi. Amusing
Yiddish Definitions Schmuck: Yet another term for the male member, most often used to describe a man with an attitude of arrogant stupidity. Nice logic there, if you think about it. A common term for former male in-laws and business partners. Goyim: People who are Gentile. A polite term for anyone who doesn't love a good bargain or has extra skin on his schmeckel. Tattalah: An endearing term of love which means "little man". An emasculating term for women to call men, if you think about it. But who has time to think? Gefilte Fish: A tasty mix of congealed fish parts and transparent slime jelly. The only food it is permissible for Jewish children to refuse. In some families, they may even be allowed to gag, but politely. Chaleria: A derogatory term which best refers to a female business associate or a mother-in-law. The closest English equivalent is "bitch." Koorveh: A call-girl, or prostitute. A reference to the Russian Czar's wife at the turn of the 20th Century, and to that flashy shiksa your nephew married. Also known as Nafkeh. Schmendrick: A man who messes things up, always loses and feels miserable. An unfortunate asshole. Closely related to Schlemazel and Schlemiell. Every Jewish family has at least one, often named Irving. Schlemiell: A jerk who can't do anything right. In simple terms, someone who's always spilling his soup. Schlemazel: The poor dumb putz a Schlemiell is always spilling soup on. Schmeckel: A guy with a small putz. A nothing. Usually your ex-partner or ex-son-in-law. Tsuris: A word referring to all problems, trouble, grief, aggravation and heartache. Examples: daughter pregnant with child of an unemployed Catholic bartender; adult son loses job and moves back home. Major Tsuris: Daughter and baby "Bridget" move back home too. Kin-a-hora:
A gleeful rejoice used when Jewish parents find out their daughter is
going to marry the Jewish surgeon rather than that poor, unemployed goyishe
laborer. Morris is Buying a Hearing Aid Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson. "That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000." "Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser. The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed. "How does it work?" , asked Morris. "For
$2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But when people
see it on you, they'll talk louder." A Gentile
goes into a clothing store and says: "This is a very fine jacket.
How much is it?" The salesman says: "It's $500." ******************* Two Gentiles meet on the street. The first one says, "You own your own business, don't you? How's it going?" The other Gentile says; "Just great! Thanks for asking!" ******************** Two Gentile mothers meet on the street and start talking about children. Gentile mother
1 (said with pride): "My son is a construction worker!" ******************* A Gentile
man calls his mother and says, "Mom, I know you're expecting me for
dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can't make
it." Kosher computers... called DELLSHALOM are now available. If you or a friend are considering a Kosher computer, you should know that there are some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as: The cursor moves from right to left. It comes with two hard drives-one for fleyshedik business software and one for milchedik games. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, my PC now gets "Ferklempt". Chanukah screensavers include "Flying Dreidels". The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday If my computer crashes, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours. The "Start" button has been replaced with the "Let's go!! I'm not getting any younger!" button. When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus." The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already! Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner. I hear "Hava Nagila" during startup. Microsoft Office now includes, "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that." When running "ScanDisk," it prompts with a "You want I should fix this?" message. When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!" There is a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that advertises that it gets rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor. After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes "Schloffen." Some computer viruses can now be cured with chicken soup. The Y2K problem has been replaced by "Year 5761-5762" issues. When Spellchecker finds an error it prompts, "Is this the best you can do?" And remember:
If you have a kosher computer, you can't get Spam 10. Engagement Girl - With the power of her diamond ring, she suddenly doesn't have to be nice anymore. 9. Rabbi Doctor, Doctor Rabbi -His split personality allows this super rabbi to sneak in and out of modern society undetected. 8. Supershmuck - In New York City, he's seemingly everywhere. 7. Apikores Boy - The trusty sidekick of most ivy league Jewish philosophy professors. 6. Dr. Toofrum - He has the unknowing power of being condescending in any conversation. 5. Minyan girl - She has suddenly been given the powers to lain and daven, but no one has a clue of the source for her powers. 4. Fleish Gordon - Meaty Chulent is what gives him his speed! Vegetarian kryptonite. 3. Z'Man - Instills the power of being precise about exactly when you can light candles. 2. The Incredible Hock- His utility belt consists of 100 useless keys, 3 beepers, a walkie-talkie and a magnet bencher/tefillat Ha derech. If something is wrong, his hocker senses (beeper) starts vibrating. 1. The Shmorg
- He can manage sushi, roast beef, Chinese food and pareve ice cream all
on one plate. Yiddish
Definitions Schmuck: Yet another term for the male member, most often used to describe a man with an attitude of arrogant stupidity. Nice logic there, if you think about it. A common term for former male in-laws and business partners. Goyim: People who are Gentile. A polite term for anyone who doesn't love a good bargain or has extra skin on his schmeckel. Tattalah: An endearing term of love which means "little man". An emasculating term for women to call men, if you think about it. But who has time to think? Gefilte Fish: A tasty mix of congealed fish parts and transparent slime jelly. The only food it is permissible for Jewish children to refuse. In some families, they may even be allowed to gag, but politely. Chaleria: A derogatory term which best refers to a female business associate or a mother-in-law. The closest English equivalent is "bitch." Koorveh: A call-girl, or prostitute. A reference to the Russian Czar's wife at the turn of the 20th Century, and to that flashy shiksa your nephew married. Also known as Nafkeh. Schmendrick: A man who messes things up, always loses and feels miserable. An unfortunate asshole. Closely related to Schlemazel and Schlemiell. Every Jewish family has at least one, often named Irving. Schlemiell: A jerk who can't do anything right. In simple terms, someone who's always spilling his soup. Schlemazel: The poor dumb putz a Schlemiell is always spilling soup on. Schmeckel: A guy with a small putz. A nothing. Usually your ex-partner or ex-son-in-law. Tsuris: A word referring to all problems, trouble, grief, aggravation and heartache. Examples: daughter pregnant with child of an unemployed Catholic bartender; adult son loses job and moves back home. Major Tsuris: Daughter and baby "Bridget" move back home too. Kin-a-hora:
A gleeful rejoice used when Jewish parents find out their daughter is
going to marry the Jewish surgeon rather than that poor, unemployed goyishe
laborer. Two Hasidic Jews were walking down the street one day. They ran into Abe, an old friend. When they ask how he was doing he said, "I'm doing great. I just hit the lottery for ten million dollars!." Naturally aroused, they ask him what he did with the money. He replied, "I bought the biggest piece of property money could buy right in the heart of Berlin, Germany. On that property, I built a mansion and on my front lawn I put a solid gold life size statue of Adolf Hitler!" His friends are completely shocked and couldn't believe what he had done. They said, "Adolf Hitler, are you crazy?" With that,
he calmly pointed at his inner forearm and says, "Adolf vasn't such
a bad guy... he gave me the vinning numbers! There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby. The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd -"Having children is an act of God!" In the back
of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail
voice said... "Point of information - snow and rain are also 'acts
of God', but when we get too much we wear rubbers!" Rabinowitz Has Lunch With Hitler Rabinowitz, hiding with his wife from the Nazis in a secluded Berlin attic, decided to get a breath of fresh air. While out walking he came face to face with Adolph Hitler. The German leader pulled out a gun and pointed to a pile of horse manure in the street. "All right, Jew!" he shouted, "eat that or I'll kill you!" Trembling, Rabinowitz did as he was ordered. Hitler began laughing so hard he dropped the weapon. Rabinowitz snatched it up and said, "Now, you eat the manure or I'll shoot!" The Fuhrer got down on his hands and knees and began eating. While he
was occupied, Rabinowitz sneaked away, ran through an alley, climbed over
a fence, and dashed up the stairs to the attic. He slammed the door shut,
bolted and locked it securely. "Bessie! Bessie!" he shouted
to his wife. "Guess who I had lunch with today!" An old Jewish man on his deathbed whispered, "Sarah, Sarah, where are you, my dear wife?" "Right here at your side, my love." "And my son, Moishe...where is he?" "Right here at your side, papa." "And my daughter, Mitsy...where is she?" "Right here at your side, papa." "And my son, Abraham...where is he?" "Right here at your side, papa." "What,
none of you assholes is minding the store?" Rabbi Levy in a Catholic Hospital Rabbi Levy had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing. She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?" "Oh,
sister," chuckled Rabbi Levy, "I just figured one suffering
Jew in this room was enough." A man is driving down a highway in Arizona when a beautiful woman appears out of nowhere right in front of him...completely nude. And with green skin. Stunned, he starts to speak to her. "Excuse me, but you just popped out of thin air. How did you do that?" "Oh," says the woman, "I'm from Andromeda, in what you call outer space." "Andromeda?" says the man, "Wow! Do all the women on Andromeda have green skin like yours?" "Yes," replies the woman, "everyone is green on Andromeda" The man continues to stare and speak. "Excuse me for asking, but I can't help but noticing that you have 12 toes on each foot. Here on Earth we all have five toes on each foot. Do all Andromedans have 12 toes on each foot? "Yes, they do," replies the woman. "And forgive me for saying this, but it's hard not to notice," the man continues, "but you have three breasts. Do all Andromedan women have three breasts? "Yes," replies the woman, "Actually, everyone on Andromeda has three breasts." "Please, may I ask you one more question?" The woman nods. "I also can't help noticing that on each of your hands you have seven fingers and on each finger is a very large diamond. Here on Earth diamonds are very rare and valuable. Do all Andromedan women have large diamonds on their fingers?" "Well," the woman answers, "not the Shiksas."
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