Little Johnny Imitating a Hell's Angel Little
Johnny's sitting at the roadside playing. His mom looks out of the window
to see him eating a couple of M&Ms, licking the family cat and then
standing up, taking a couple of steps to the left and sitting down again. Little Johnny Gets a Piece of Cake Little
Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced,
"I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would
like a piece of cake when you're finished." Little Johnny Uses the Word 'Perhaps' The
teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want
everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it." A
Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students
might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas
season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that
the birth of Jesus occurred for real. He asked his class, "Where
is Jesus today?" Little
Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws
him out. He goes and sits outside the class and can't stop laughing. Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving. "Wait
a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months
and I never called you once when he misbehaved." You're Getting More Like Your Father Every Day Little Johnny had hurt his finger while working on his model airplane. He ran to his mother, who kissed the wound and made it better. On the way to the store a little later, Johnny fell off his bike and scraped his knee. He ran to his mother, who kissed it and made it better. Returning from the store,
Johnny ran into the town bully, who kicked him in the nuts. Johnny rushed
home. His mother said, "Son, you're getting more like your father
every day!" It was the end of the school year. The teacher had turned in her grades; there was nothing really for the class to do. All the kids were restless and it was near the end of the day. So the teacher thought of an activity. She said, "The first ones to answer correctly the questions I ask may leave early today." Little Johnny said to himself, "Good, I'm smart and I want to get outta here." The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" But before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln?" The teacher said, "That's right, Susie. You may go." Johnny was mad that Susie had answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" but, before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King!" The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may go." Johnny was even madder than before. Mary had answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy piped, "John Kennedy!" The teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. You may go." Now Johnny was furious! Nancy had answered first. Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny muttered, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher spun around. "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "BILL
CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?" On Wednesday afternoon, a fourth-grade teacher announces to her class, "Children, I'm going to ask you a question, and if anyone can answer it correctly, they can take tomorrow off from school." Of course, this gets the immediate and undivided attention of all the students. They lean forward in their chairs and listen intently. "All right," says the teacher, "here is the question: How many grains of sand are there on the beach at the Oak Street beach?" Needless to say, none of the children knows the answer. The following day, the teacher says, "If you can answer today's question correctly, you may take tomorrow off from school. The question is: How many drops of water are there in the Lake Michigan?" The children sit in silence, frustrated by the second impossibly difficult question. Dirty Johnny, sitting in the back of the class, is particularly annoyed. "I'm gonna fix her,' he thinks. That night, he goes home and paints two golf balls black. Friday, the teacher says, "Okay, here is today's question..." But before she can get it out, Dirty Johnny rolls the two painted golf balls to the front of the room. With a loud clatter, the golf balls hit the wall right below the blackboard. Startled, the teacher looks around the room and says, "All right, who's the comedian with the black balls?" "Eddie Murphy,"
Johnny replies. "I'll see ya Tuesday." Little Johnny Slams the Toilet Seat on His... Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy. He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim. Just then the toilet seat slams down, and little Johnny lets out a scream. His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his genitals and howling. He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles, "K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it better." Little Johnny's mother
shouts, "Don't start your father's shit with me!" Little Johnny Warns His Teacher Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the
shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says
if I don't get better grades.... somebody is going to get a spanking." Scenario #1: A teacher asks her class to use the word 'indefinitely' in a sentence. Little Johnny's hand immediately shoots up. But the teacher is worried about how he will answer, so she calls on Bobby. Bobby replies, "Due to the weather, school was canceled indefinitely." "Good," the teacher replies. "What about you Jenny?" Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation has been stopped indefinitely." "OK, class," the teacher says as she surveys the room, "let's have one more example." Little Johnny is waving his hand saying, "Ohh! Me! Me!" And the teacher thinks that maybe he has a good answer and calls on him. Johnny stands up and says, "As I felt my balls slap against her ass, I knew that I was in definitely!" Scenario #2: A Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?" First little girl says "The sky is definitely blue." Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..." Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown." Little Johnny from the
back of the class stands up and asks: The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!" "OK...then I DEFINITELY
shit in my pants." Johnny Is Promoted From the First Grade A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny, what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade .My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!" The teacher had ,had enough. She took Johnny to the Principal' office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to first grade and behave .The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: " Johnny
what is 3 x 3?" Little Johnny Has Been Learning Numbers The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he said. "My dad taught me." "Good! Can you tell me what comes after three." "Four," answers little Johnny. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your father did a good job. What comes after ten?" "A jack,"
says little Johnny A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Sally, the class genius, raises her hand and says, "Last year I got the mumps, and my mom said it was contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. "Would anyone else like to try?" Little Johnny raises his hand and stands to give his answer. "Our next door neighbor
was painting her house by hand, and my dad said it would take the contagious." Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away, Little Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play." Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with." Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?" "I want to play 'Mommy and Daddy,'" says Little Johnny. Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?" Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down as if you're taking a nap." Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs. Little Johnny, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He puts on his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs, he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother raises her head and asks, "What do I do now?" In a gruff
manner, Little Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that
kid some ICE CREAM!" The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children for their examples of words with more than one syllable. Jane and Little Johnny were the first to raise their hands. Knowing that Little Johnny was a little more mature in the ways of life, she called on Jane. "Jane, what is your multi-syllable word?" After some further thought Jane proudly replied, "Monday." "Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day." "Does anyone else know any other multi-syllable words." "I do! I do!" replied Little Johnny. Knowing Johnny's mischievous ways the teacher picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word." "Saturday." says Mike. "Great, that has three syllables..." Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!" Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked and trying to retain her composure the teacher says, "Wow Johnny, Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful." "No
Ma'am, your thinking 'Blow-Job', and that's only two syllables." Little Johnny Gets a 'F' in Arithmetic Little Johnny returns from school and tells his father he got an "F" in Arithmetic today. "Why?" asks his father. "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said "6". "But that's right," said his father. "Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?' "What's the fucking difference?" asks his father. "That's
what I said!" Little Johnny and his friends were talking about condoms in school one day. Basically he knew where they were used and their purpose, but not much more than that. So he decided to go to a local drug store to buy a few in order to learn more about them. As to not waste too much time, he asked the pharmacist if he had any condoms for sale. The pharmacist replied, "Why yes, we have them three for a dollar." Johnny replied, "I'll take three." When the pharmacist tallied the amount the register, the total came to one-dollar and six cents. Johnny said, "Wait a minute, what's the six cents for? I thought you told me they were three for a dollar." The pharmacist replied, "That's for the tax on them." Little Johnny
said, "Oohh, I thought they stayed on by themselves." The teacher asked her students if they could recite a sentence with the word 'beautiful' in it. Little Becky raised her hand and replied, "My mother made me a dress and it looked beautiful on me." The teacher replied, "Very good Becky. Then little Billy raised his hand and replied, "After the rainstorm yesterday, I saw a rainbow and it was beautiful." The teacher replied, "Very good Billy." Little Johnny was sitting at his desk with his hand up. The teacher saw him and sighed, "Go ahead Johnny, what's your sentence." Little Johnny reply, "Last night at the dinner table my sister told my dad she was pregnant." "That
was a nice sentence Johnny, but it did not have the word 'beautiful' in
it." Little Johnny quickly adds, "And all my Dad would say is,
"Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!" One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up his/her hand. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father." Little Johnny
shouts out, "I know what it is, it's a Horny Son of a Bitch." One day, Little Johnny was sitting in class, bored as usual. It's Monday and Little Johnny was really bored. But this day, the teacher told them that she would be asking a question on Friday, possibly based on the weeks lesson, and anyone who got it right could have Monday off. The children, especially Little Johnny, were not paying enough attention in class. This new test excited Little Johnny and for the first time, he really, really paid attention in school because he could really use a long weekend. Finally, Friday comes and Little Johnny really paid attention all week. At last, the teacher says to the children, "Alright class, here is today's question. Remember, if you get it right, you can have Monday off." Everyone's excited. "Now," she says, "how many grains of sand are there in the Sahara Desert?" There is puzzled silence, and then a few children raise their hands reluctantly. "Um, a million?" "Nope." "Um, a zillion?" "Nope." Of course, no one gets it right, so no one gets Monday off. Now, Little Johnny can't remember this information being taught, so he tries extra hard to pay attention the next week. Finally, it's Friday again. "Ok, class," said the teacher, "here's today's question. How many teaspoons of water are there in the Pacific Ocean?" "Um, a million?" "Nope." "Um, a zillion?" "Nope." No one gets it. Little Johnny begins to suspect a devious plot, so he hatches a plan. He's going to get Monday off if it kills him. Finally, Friday comes around once again. "Ok, class," said the teacher," here's today's question." Just then, Little Johnny rolled two black marbles down the aisle and they bump into the teacher's feet. "Alright," the teacher says, "who's the comedian with the two black balls?" "Chris
Rock!" shouts Little Johnny. "See you Tuesday!" A preschool teacher thought it would be interesting for her students to learn to identify different names for the various kinds of meats. One day, she cooked up several different meats and labeled them. As each student took a bite they were asked to identify the animal. Little Sherry took a bite of the meat labeled beef and correctly said that it came from a cow. Tommy took a bite of pork and also correctly identified the meat as coming from a pig. The last meat was labeled venison. The children chewed and chewed and after numerous incorrect guesses, the teacher attempted to give them a hint. "What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he comes home from work at night" she asked? All of a
sudden, little Johnny jumped up from the back of the classroom and yells,
"Holy Crap! Spit it out--it's an Asshole"! Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face. "Why are you rubbing cold cream on you face, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother. A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's
the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" Little Johnny Needs to Urinate Little Johnny was sitting in the class waving his hand frantically. The teacher asks, "What's wrong Johnny?" "I needed to go for a piss," says Little Johnny. The teacher was a little taken aback and explained to Johnny, "That is not the proper word to use if you need to go to the bathroom, the proper word is 'Urinate.' If you need to go to the toilet, then you should ask if you can go urinate." To teach him a lesson, she says, "Before you go to the bathroom, I would like you to use the word 'Urinate' in a sentence." Little Johnny
stands-up and replies, "Urinate, but if you had bigger tits, you'd
be a ten!!" Little Johnny was sitting in class as the teacher was going over math problems. She soon calls on Little Johnny to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left." "None," replied Johnny. "Well that's not correct Johnny, can you tell me why you choose none," said the teacher. "Because if you shot one, it will scare the birds and cause the rest to fly away!" "Well," said the teacher, "the answer I was looking for is four, but I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her ice cream cone, the second was biting the ice cream cone and the third was sucking on the ice cream cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the ice cream cone?" "No,"
said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger,
but I like the way you're thinking." Testing the Class' Imagination Miss Cohen was testing her 2nd grade class's imagination. She put her hand in a box, removed something without the class seeing and asked, "Class, I am holding something in my hand, its round, red and is edible, what is it? Several hands went up. Miss Cohen said, "Yes Robert". Robert, "Is it an apple?" Miss Cohen replied, "No Robert. Who else can try?" Peter called out, "It's an orange." The young teacher said, "No." James shouted, "It's a tomato!" "Very good James, that's correct," the teacher answered. Little Johnny's hand shot up as he said "Miss Cohen, I also want to test the class's imagination." Miss Cohen, reluctant to call on Johnny due to his propensity to use foul language said, "Okay, go ahead." Little Johnny putting his hand in his trousers pocket says, "I am holding something in my hand, its three inches long, its hard, and has a head, what is it?" The class was quiet and no one had their hand up. The teacher thought quickly and said in a disgusted voice, "Little Johnny sit down and keep quiet. I don't want any of your silly jokes." Little Johnny,
smiling devilishly removes his hand from his pocket and says, "It's
a match stick, Miss Cohen. But you have some imagination." One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the
teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table,
my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful,
just fucking beautiful!'"
|
