Kids Humor 

New! - Kids Humor II

Whenever my kids are having trouble at school, I like to tell them about myself when I was a kid. I wasn't very big, I wasn't the smartest, I wasn't the best in sports and, yes, I did get beat-up a lot. Unfortunately, that's where the story ends, so it doesn't usually cheer them up much.
-Alf Whit

An educational experience
Story Time
The Boys get an Eyeful
Little Cindy learns about the Birds & the Bees
A Letter from Summer Camp
Kids and Proverbs
2 Boys Saying Their Prayers
Children's Books You'll Never See
The Birds and the Bees Talk
2 Quarters
Welcome Home!
The Story of the Good Samaritan
Using Bad Words in Class
Same Game
Where do Babies Come From?
Sexing Kittens
Two Little Boys Buying Tampons
Kids' Answers on Marriage
A 3-year-old's First Visit to Church
Kids Say the Darndest Things
The Moral of the Story...
An Incredibly Advanced Baby
After Sex Education Class... 
Their First Experience With Pop Rocks 
A Little Boy Comes Home After a Fight... 
How Do You Know Your Frog is Dead? 
Memorizing all 50 States 
Grandpa Got Retarded... 
A Little Boy Shopping for a Card 
Two Boys Flub Their Lines 
Hairspray solves a Problem
A Glass of Cider
Learning to use Big Words...
Children's Prayers
Some Cute Stories
7/6/01
The Thunderstorm 
Vanishing Cream
Choosing a Career Path
Wee Willie and Wanda
Solitaire
A New Japanese Kid in Class
Two Children Playing House
What Sounds do the Animals Make?
Little Joe Saves his Dad Twenty Bucks
What Yummy Fingers
Joey Explains the Parting of the Red Sea
A Little Help with the Doorbell
Playing Doctor
Making Faces on the Playground
On the Subject of Children
Three Girls go Into a Bar
Arguing Over the First Pancake 
Mommy, Daddy, What Does THAT Mean? 
Kids Speaking to God 
A Little Girl Answers the Phone... 
Victor is in Love With His Teacher 
What I Learned in Sunday School 
Little Suzie Sees Her Father's Shame 

 


The lesson

A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.

Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher.

Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."

Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out you guys. They're assholes!"
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Story Time

One day at the end of class, little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude with the moral of that story. The following day, the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies, "Don't f*ck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
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The Boys get an Eyeful

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts for sucking our thumbs."
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The Birds & the Bees

Sweet little Cindie runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him "Daddy, what's sex?" So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees.

He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs etc...He tells her about puberty, menstruation, men and women and love... He thinks, what the hell, and tells her the works, thinking that honesty is indeed the best policy.

The little girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So Cindie, why did you wish to know about sex?"

"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
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A Letter from Summer Camp

Lake Typhoid
Somewhere, USA

Dear Mom and Dad,

We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightening. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one our tents did; also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left.

Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with ten people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up here are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car, so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badge. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love,

Cole
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Hairspray solves a Problem

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
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A Glass of Cider

A little girl came running into the house crying her eyes out and cradling her hand.

"Mommy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" she wailed.

"Why do you want a glass of cider?" Asked mom.

"I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away."

Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.

"Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" Wined the little one.

"What are you talking about?" Asked her increasingly perplexed parent.

"Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider!"

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Learning to use Big Words...

The former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisting on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words" she'd always remind them. She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana"
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"

She then asked Joey what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo," he said.
"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN, use big people words!"

She then asked Eddie what he had done
"I read a book" he replied.
"That's wonderful" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said "Winnie The Shit."

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Children's Prayers...

One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.
Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"



A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold". At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, "How come you called God, "Harold"? The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name."


And this particular four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."


During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and after church, asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?"
Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle... And He just then did!"


One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer. "Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, if I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take."


A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. "Dear God, thank you for these pancakes." When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight."


A little boy's prayer: "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."


A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"


Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer. "Fine," said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you." "Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."


A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!"

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Some cute stories

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"


Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."


After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk!"

                           

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Kids and Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:
bullet People in glass houses shouldn't------------run around naked.
bullet Better to be safe than------------punch a 5th grader.
bullet Better late than............................pregnant
bullet Strike while the---------------bug is close.
bullet It's always darkest before---------daylight savings time.
bullet Never underestimate the power of ------termites.
bullet You can lead a horse to water but-------------how?
bullet Don't bite the hand that----------looks dirty.
bullet No news is------------------impossible.
bullet A miss is as good as a----------------Mr.
bullet You can't teach an old dog-------------math.
bullet If you lie down with dogs, you-----------will stink in the morning.
bullet Love all, trust-------------------me.
bullet The pen is mightier than-------------the pigs.
bullet An idle mind is-----------the best way to relax.
bullet Where there is smoke, there's------------pollution.
bullet Happy is the bride who-----------gets all the presents.
bullet A penny saved is---------------not much.
bullet Two is company, three's-----------The Musketeers.
bullet None are so blind as----------------Helen Keller.
bullet Children should be seen and not-----------spanked or grounded.
bullet If at first you don't succeed-------------get new batteries.
bullet You get out of something what you---------------see pictured on the box.
bullet When the blind lead the blind------------get out of the way.
bullet There is no fool like-------------Aunt Edie.
bullet Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and---------you have to blow your nose.

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The Thunderstorm

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

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Two boys saying their prayers

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
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Children's Books You'll Never See

(This is from a contest in the Washington Postů)

"Strangers Have the Best Candy" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

"The Little Sissy Who Snitched" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

"Some Kittens Can Fly!" (David Genser, Arlington)

"The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion" (David Genser, Arlington)

"How to Dress Sexy for Grownups" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?" (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

"Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her" (David Genser, Arlington)

"All Dogs Go to Hell" (Joseph Romm, Washington)

"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking" (Joseph Romm, Washington)

"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?" (Kenneth Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"(Martin Keutel, Alexandria)

"Bi-Curious George" (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

"You Are Different and That's Bad" (Christopher Richard, Springfield)
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Vanishing Cream

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going.

The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left.

As they disappeared out of sight, there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "You see, it IS vanishing cream!"
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The Birds and the Bees Talk

Morris asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"
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2 Quarters

Mother gave Billy 2 quarters. One was for his Sunday School offering. The other was for an ice cream cone on the way home from Sunday School.

Billy was flipping one quarter in the air and catching it on the way down. This happened 8 times or so when all of a sudden Billy missed catching it. It rolled down the storm sewer and was gone.

Billy looked skyward and prayed, "Sorry, God."
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Choosing a Career Path

A physician told this story about her 4-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

"Be still, my heart," she thought, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"

Then the child spoke into the end of the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
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Welcome Home!

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.

After my next trip several weeks later, my wife and the kids picked me up in the terminal. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting, area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got good news!"

I waved back and said excitedly, "What's the good news?"

"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted through the crowd.
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Wee Willie and Wanda

Wee Willie was walking with Wanda, his new girlfriend, carrying her books home from grammar school. Both were eight years old.

"Wanda," said Wee Willie with a worshipping gaze, "you are the first girl I have ever loved."

"Dammit," said Wanda, "another beginner!"
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The Story of the Good Samaritan

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.

Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence. "I think I'd throw up."
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Using Bad Words in Class

A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do. While they were working she heard a little girl say very softly "damn!"

The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."

The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?"
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Solitaire

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many good ideas were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
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Same Game

Her precocious six-year old daughter came tugging at the mother's skirt, asking, "Mommy, can I have a baby?"

"Of course not, dear," the mother replied, without missing a stroke of her ironing.

"Are you sure?" the little girl persisted.

"Certainly," said the mother.

As she ran to rejoin her playmates in the yard, the child called out, "OK, fellas, same game!"
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Where do Babies Come From?

Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while.

"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.

"Yes," replies her daughter.

"Do you still have any questions?"

"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"

"In exactly the same way as with babies."

"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
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A New Japanese Kid in Class

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?"

She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

"Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do." As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.

At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba's classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed,

"I'm gonna throw up".

Teacher says "who said that?"

Again, Toshiba raises his hand and says "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister,1991".

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? well suck my ..."

Once again, it's Toshiba with the answer, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997".
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Sexing Kittens

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he excitedly informed his mother there were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens.

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
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Two Little Boys Buying Tampons

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?" The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom."

Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?"

The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either."

The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"

The nine year old says "They're for my four year old little brother."

The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother??"

The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"
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Two Children Playing House

Two little children, a boy and a girl, walked hand-in-hand to a neighbor's house. The little girl stood on her tiptoes and was just able to reach the doorbell. Then, an elderly lady greeted them at the front door.

"Good morning, children," she said. "What can I do for you?"

"We're playing house," the little girl answered. "This is my husband and I'm his wife. Can we come in?"

Thoroughly enchanted by the scene confronting her, the elderly lady replied, "By all means, do come in."

Once inside, she offered the children lemonade and cookies, which they graciously accepted. When a second tall glass of lemonade was offered, the little girl remarked, "No thank you. We have to go now. My husband just wet his pants."
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Kids' Answers on Marriage

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. - Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich. - Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8

Kids wouldn't get sent to their rooms as much. - Cassandra

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, age 10
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What Sounds do the Animals Make?

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

And this wide-eyed little 3 year old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."
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A 3-year-old's First Visit to Church

A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The lights were lowered for the processional, and the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.

All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."
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Little Joe Saves his Dad Twenty Bucks

Little Joe walked into his dad's study while his dad was working on the computer.

"Dad," said Joe, "Remember when you told me you'd give me twenty dollars if I passed my math test?"

Dad nodded.

"Well, the good news is that I just saved you twenty bucks."
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What Yummy Fingers

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, Honey?"

"Mommy, where's my booger?"
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Kids Say the Darndest Things

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?

"I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said.

Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
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Joey Explains the Parting of the Red Sea

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
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A Little Help with the Doorbell

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy turns and yells, "NOW WE RUN !"
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Playing Doctor

After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor's boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.

"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age," the neighbor said.

"Sexuality?!" the mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!"
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The Moral of the Story...

The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment. Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral in it.

Next day, Kathy said, "My father's a farmer, and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking eggs to market in a box on the front seat of the truck, when we hit a bump and a lot of them broke and made a mess." "So, what's the moral of the story," asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Another child, Lucy, told her story. "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had 16 eggs one time, but when they hatched, we only got 10 live chicks. And the moral to this story is: "Don't count your chickens until they hatch."

"That was fine," said the teacher. "Now, Johnny, do you have a story too?"

"Yes, ma'am. My daddy told me about my Aunt Karen. She was a flight engineer in Desert Storm in Iraq-and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory. All she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. She hacked 20 more with the machete until the blade broke. And she killed the last 10 with her bare hands."

"Good heavens!" exclaimed the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you was in this terrible story?"

"Don't fuck with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
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Making Faces on the Playground

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."

The student looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you weren't warned."
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On the Subject of Children

bullet Trying to dress an active little one is like trying to thread a sewing machine while it's running.
bullet There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and their mother's age.
bullet Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
bullet Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.
bullet An alarm clock is a device for waking people up who don't have small kids.
bullet Shouting to make your kids obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results!
bullet Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

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Three Girls go Into a Bar

Three 7 year old girls were walking down the street wearing their mothers' clothing; large hats, high heels, and long dresses. They passed a bar and one of the girls said, "let's go in for a drink. "

They went in and crawled up onto the bar stools. The bartender laughed and thought he would have some fun. He went to the first little girl and said, "What will you have young lady?"

The girl replied, "I'll Have a Martini."

The bartender could not give them any liquor so he filled up a martini glass with 7-UP, placed an olive in it and put it in front of her.

He said to the second girl, "What will you have today?"

She replied, "A Manhattan."

The bartender then filled a Manhattan glass with Ginger-Ale, put in a cherry in it, and set it in front of her.

Next he asked the third little girl, "What will you have today?"

After a long pause she replied, "I'll have a douche. Mother says they're so refreshing."
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An Incredibly Advanced Baby

A baby was born and was incredibly advanced. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" He asked.

"Yes, I am", the doctor replied.

The baby said, "Thank you for taking good care of me during birth."

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"

"Yes I am, she said.

"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"

"Yes, I am," his father answered.

The baby motioned him close, then poked him real hard on the forehead with his index finger five times saying, "Hurts doesn't it?"
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Arguing Over the First Pancake

A mother was preparing pancakes for her 2 sons, the older 5 and the younger 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here," she said, "he would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
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After Sex Education Class...

Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out...

"Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny Elvis Smith, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"
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Their First Experience With Pop Rocks

Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride from Chatswood Sydney to the city.

A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each one a bag.

The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?" replied the curious brother

"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

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A Little Boy Comes Home After a Fight...

A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

"Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."

"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!"
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Mommy, Daddy, What Does THAT Mean?

A little boy walks into his Mom and Dads room while they were fighting. The dad yelled, "You bitch!" And the Mom screamed, "You bastard!" And the little boy asked, "Mommy, Daddy what does that mean???" And the parents replied "Um...ladies and gentleman." And with that answer the little boy ran off to bed.

The next night the parents were really horny, the dad said, "Nice tits!" And the Mom said, "Nice Dick!"
And the little boy ran into the room and asked, "Mommy, Daddy what does that mean???" They replied, "Um ....Hats and coats." So with that answer the little boy ran back to bed.

The next day was Thanksgiving and all of the relatives were going to be eating and celebrating at the little boy's house. The little boy went upstairs and ran into the bathroom. He swung the door open and it hit his dad's elbow while his dad was shaving his self. "Shit!" He yelled. "Daddy what does that mean???" "Um...Its the name of the shaving cream I'm using, now run down stairs and see what your Mom is doing." So with that the little boy did as he was told.

Meanwhile his Mom was slicing the turkey, and she accidentally put her finger in the wrong place. "Fuck!" She screamed. The little boy asked, "Mommy what does that mean???" "Um...It means I'm cutting the turkey."

DING-DONG, the doorbell rang and the little boy ran off to answer it, saying:
"Hello all of you bitches and bastards, hang up your titties and dicks. Dad's upstairs wiping the shit off his face and Mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

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How Do You Know Your Frog is Dead?

One day a little boy went up to his kindergarten teacher and told her that he had found a frog. The teacher asked the little boy if the frog was alive or dead. He said that the poor helpless frog was dead. The teacher was wondering how the boy knew for sure that the frog was dead.

The boy said, "I pissed in it's ear."

The teacher said, "You WHAT?"

He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move... So it must be dead.

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Kids Speaking to God

One little girl began her prayer like this: "Our Father, who are in heaven, hello!  What be Thy name?"

A boy who thought he knew the answer to that question, prayed, "Our Father, who art in heaven, Harold be Thy name."

The prayer of another boy went like this: "Our Father who art in heaven, Hollywood be Thy name."

A girl whose visiting uncle was a horse player bowed her head with a plea that God "give us this day our daily double."

A five-year-old girl who was trying to cope with Sunday School and kindergarten at the same time came up with this charming blend of Church and State: "Give us this day our daily bread, and liberty and justice for all."

Another kindergarten child asked God to "give us this day our jelly bread."

Then there was the little boy who prayed, "Forgive us our dentists, as we forgive our dentists."

Another boy pleaded, "Lead us not into creation."

Or the farmer's boy who said, "Deliver us from weevils."

Another boy prayed to God to "deliver us from eagles."

And a boy climaxed his prayer like this: "For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever and ever, Amen and F.M."
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Memorizing all 50 States

The old pastor made it a practice to visit the parish school at least once a week. One day he walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked how many students could name all 50 states. Only one child raised his hand. The pastor jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.
 
One boy raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were a lot fewer of them."

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Grandpa Got Retarded...

After Christmas break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holidays. One small boy wrote the following: We always used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes. They ride on three-wheeled tricycles and they all wear name tags because they don't know who they are. They go to a big building called a wrecked hall, but if it was wrecked, they got it fixed because it is alright now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very good. There is a swimming pool there. They go in it and just stand there with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

As you go into their park, there is a doll house with a little man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. When they can sneak out they go to the beach and pick up shells that they think are dollars.

My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people are so retarded they don't know how to cook at all, so my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it "Pot Luck".

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the doll house won't let them out!
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A Little Girl Answers the Phone...

A little girl answered the phone whispering, "hello". 

A man's voice said, "IS YOUR MOTHER THERE?" "yes", said the little girl. 

"LET ME SPEAK TO HER!", said the man. "oh, she's busy", replied the little girl. 

"WELL, IS YOUR FATHER THERE?", asked the man. "yes, but he's busy, too." replied the little girl still whispering. 

"IS THERE ANYONE ELSE THERE?" "a policeman and a fireman" 

"WELL, LET ME TALK TO ONE OF THEM!" "they're busy, too". 

"WHAT ARE THEY DOING?" "they're looking for me."  
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A Little Boy Shopping for a Card

A little boy had been pawing over a stationer's stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, "Just what is it you're looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend, Anniversary or a congratulations to your mom and dad?"

The boy shook his head and answered, "Got any like a blank report card?"

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Victor is in Love With His Teacher

The pretty young schoolteacher was concerned about one of her eleven year old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Victor, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?"

"I can't concentrate," replied the boy. "I've fallen in love."

"Is that so?" said the teacher, holding back an urge to smile. "And with whom?"

"With you," he answered.

"But Victor," exclaimed the secretly please young lady, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday; but I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," said Victor reassuringly. "I'll be careful."

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Two Boys Flub Their Lines

Two little boys, both aged nine, were set to appear in their first play. The first boy had to say, "Ha fair maiden, I've come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope." The second little boy was to say, "Hark! A pistol shot!"

On opening night, the two boys were very nervous. It was their first time on stage and their parents were in the front row. The first little boy came out and said, "Ha fair maiden, I've come to kiss your snatch and fill your hole with soap."

The second little boy was so shook after the first kid goofed up, when he came out he said, "Hark! A pistol shit! A shistel pit! Cow shit! Bull shit! I didn't want to be in your damned play anyway!"

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What I Learned in Sunday School
(written by children and not retouched)


The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The seventh commandment is: "Thou shalt not admit adultery."

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

Most religions teach us to have only one spouse. This is called monotony.


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Little Suzie Sees Her Father's Shame

Little Suzie was supposed to bring fifty cents to school for a workbook, so she went to ask her father for it. She found him in the bathroom, stark naked, and in the excitement she forgot all about the fifty cents and asked, "Daddy, What's that?"

Her dad said, "That's what I call 'a shame'."

Next day at school, when the teacher asked for the fifty cents, Little Suzie said, "Daddy couldn't give me fifty cents because he wasn't wearing his pants."

The teacher replied, "Doesn't your father have any shame at all?"

Little Suzie said, "Oh, yes, ma'am, he has one, but it's not as big as the one the principal gave you last Thursday."