Kids Humor II
A
grubby little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother,
"Who am I?" Two Daughters in the Christmas Pageant Two
daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church.
At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most
important role. When Abe Lincoln Was Your Age... A
father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer
games.
What She's Learned 'On-the-Job' Daddy Gets Slapped on an Elevator A
man and his little girl were on an overcrowded elevator. Suddenly a woman
in front turned around, slapped him and left in a huff.
Religious Education From Their Perspective ADAM'S
SUIT Grasping the Concept of Marriage The
child was a typical four-year-old - cute and inquisitive. A
shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and
check-up. Helping a Kindergartner With His Boots Did
you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students
put his boots on? And They'll Call the New Baby... When
Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who
would listen. But her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents'
private conversations. One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping
a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby. Martin Spends the Day on a Construction Site Little
Martin is four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother, she
said, "Why don't you go across the street and watch the builders
work, maybe you will learn something." The teacher
said, "Now class, we know their are 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes
in an hour, 24 hours in a day, and 365 days in a year, so who can tell
me how many seconds there are in a year?" A
mother took her little boy to a psychiatrist and asked, "Can a boy
ten years-old marry a beautiful star like Heather Graham?" This Year She Won't Ride Space Mountain Our
seven-year-old daughter was thrilled when we took her to Disney World
for the first time, and she headed straight for Space Mountain. I worried
that the roller coaster would be too scary for her, but she insisted. These are
from an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked
to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey." Applying Shakespeare to Politeness A woman
was out shopping one day with her son. The boy spotted a man who
was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, "Momma, look
at the bowlegged man!" She Wants a Baby Brother for her Birthday A little
girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared:
"A baby brother." Kids
Quotes That are a Little Off Track Sage
Advice From Children Looking for Just the Right Card A
little boy had been pawing over a stationer's stock of greeting cards
for some time when a clerk asked, "Just what is it you're looking
for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend, Anniversary or a congratulations
to your mom and dad?" They
Sure Look Like Twins to Me A
friend and I were shopping for dresses for her three-year-old girls to
wear to a wedding. In the store, another girl staring intently at Sarah
and Becky asked, "Are those girls twins?" A Little Boy Using Bad Language A mother
was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year old son playing
with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop
and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell
off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are
getting on, get your low-income asses in the train, cause we are going
down the tracks." One evening after dinner, a five-year-old son noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked, "Where did mommy go?" In answer to his questions, he was told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party." This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Dad?" The man had always given my son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other." He nodded,
indicating that he understood this curious pastime. Then he burst into
laughter. "Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?" A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, "Hi, Daddy!" and she began telling him about her day. She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work. When it was finally the wife's turn to talk she took the receiver and said, "Hi, hon." "Thank
God, lady," the voice on the other end replied. "I just called
to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!" My seven-year-old son asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend. I was recovering from surgery and spent most of the day in bed. I told him the TV was my boyfriend, he entertained me all the time. The TV set was old and would just shut itself off for no reason. I'd give it a few hard whacks on the side and it would come back on. The pastor stopped by to check on my recovery and my son answered the door. At that time I was trying to get the TV to come back on. The pastor asked my son if I was busy. My little
one said, "No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend." A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets. Someone asked her what the bracelet was for. She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs." The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?" The girl
said, "I don't know....I don't eat cats." The Boys Think it's Time to Start Swearing A 7 year old boy and his 4 year old brother were upstairs in their bedroom. The 7 year old was explaining that it was high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responded enthusiastically, the 7 year old hatched the plan. "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'Hell' and you say 'fat ass.'" The 4 year old happily agreed. As the two boys were seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walked in and asked her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7 year old replied, "Ah hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios." WHACK! The surprised mother reacted quickly. The boy ran upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner voice, the mother then turned to the younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?" "I don't
know," the 4 year old blubbered, "but you can bet your fat ass
it's not gonna be Cheerios." And What is Your Daddy's Name? A woman takes her 4 year old son in for his yearly visit to the doctor. The doctor asks the little boy, "Do you know your name?" He tells her, "Yes my name is Timmy." "And Timmy, do you know your mom's name?" "Yes her name is Mommy," said Timmy. "And what is Mommy's real name?" And little Timmy says, "It's Tammy." "That is great," the doctor said. "And what is your daddy's name?" Timmy said, "It is daddy." "I see. And what does mommy call him?" Timmy said,
"Asshole." Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots? He was really struggling, so she began pulling and him pushing. The boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, after several minutes the first boot was on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. "Now," she said sweating profusely, "where are your mittens?" He said,
"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots. . ." Show-And-Tell Gets Really Interesting I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and experience a little public speaking. And it gives me a break and some guaranteed entertainment. Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome. Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mommy and Daddy made him as a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a seed in my mother's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord." She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had a video camera rolling. The kids are watching her in amazement. "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mother starts going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, "Oh, oh, oh!'" Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck-walk, holding her back and groaning. "My father called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my mother to lie down in bed like this." Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My mother had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" The kid with her little hands is miming water flowing away. It was too much! "Then the middle wife starts going push, push, and breathe, breathe. They start counting, but they never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff they said was from the play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there." Then Erica
stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure
I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I
bring my camcorder - just in case another Erica comes along. A teacher
was sitting at her desk grading papers, when her first-grade class came
back from lunch. Alice informed the teacher, "Paul has to go to the
principal's office." "What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of registration. "He's a magician," said the new boy. "How exciting. What's his best trick?" "He saws people in half." "How impressive! Now, do you have any brothers or sisters?" "Yep...one
half brother and two half sisters." They're Behind, but not Discouraged As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was. "We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile on his face. "Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged." "Discouraged?"
the boy asked with a puzzled look. "Why should we be discouraged?
We haven't been up to bat yet." It's Great to Have Your Own Room When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked the little five-year-old how he liked the new place. "It's
terrific," he said. "I have my own room, Mike has his own room,
and Jamie has her own room. But poor mom is still sleeping with dad." A man gave his son a scolding so the boy decided to run away. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and announced, "I'm running away from home!" The father decided to handle the matter calmly. "What if you get hungry?" he said. "Then I'll come home and eat!" the boy said bravely. "And what if you run out of money?" "I'll come home and get some!" readily replied the child. The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?" "Then I'll come home and let Mommy wash them," was the reply. The man shook
his head, "Are you running away from home or are you going off to
college?" Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville. Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Page 11, Anderson Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team.We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena Dear Pastor,
I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph,
Age 11, Akron While I was shopping in the mall with my three children, a display in the window of a lingerie store caught my eye. "Do you think Daddy would like this?" I asked the kids, as I pointed to the lacy pajamas with matching robe. "No
way," my horrified six-year-old son replied. "Daddy would NEVER
wear that!" They Had Her Climbing the Walls With some misgivings, we left a young baby-sitter in charge of our three energetic youngsters. When we returned a few, hours later, she was sitting alone watching TV. I went to check on the children, and found them in our narrow hallway. By bracing their arms and legs against the walls, two of them had climbed up to the ceiling. "The baby-sitter taught us how," they said gleefully. The sitter
joined me, her face a deep red. "Since they had me climbing the walls,
I figured they might as well be too," she stammered. The new family in the neighborhood overslept, and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus. The father, though late for work, had to drive her if she'd direct him to the school. They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes - but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home. The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she'd led him around in such a circle. The child
explained, "That's the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It's the only
way I know." Walking Home in a Lightning Storm A little
girl walked to and from school daily. Though the weather that morning
was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the
elementary school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up,
along with thunder and lightning. The mother of the little girl felt concerned
that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school and
she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child. Following
the roar of thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword, would cut through
the sky. A man takes his little son out to breakfast to celebrate the boy's tenth birthday. When the waitress comes around the old man orders a big breakfast of eggs, bacon, hash-browns...the works. He turns to his son and smiles proudly. "Order anything you want, son. Anything at all." The pretty waitress looks at the birthday boy. "And what will you have," she asks sweetly. The boy sits up straight and grins ear to ear. "Give me the fuckin' pancakes," he says in a loud voice. The father is stunned, he turns and slaps the boy. "Now, you give this nice lady your order," the father says, glaring at the boy. The waitress forces a smile. "What will you have?" Again, the boy sits up straight, he clears his throat. "I said I want the fuckin' pancakes!" The father whirls and knocks the boy off of the chair. "Get your butt up now and you order the right way...or else!" The unnerved waitress fumbles with her notepad. "What do you want to eat, honey," she asks. The boy crawls
back on to his chair and he stares up at the pretty waitress. He takes
a deep breath and says, "I don't care, as long as it's not those
fuckin' pancakes." A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read, "And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused, then asked the class, "And what do you think the man said?" One little
boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly, "I think the
man would have said: 'Well, fuck me. A talking pig.'" NUDITY "Well,
then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you
please tie my shoe?"
|
