hear about the Lawyer who took Viagra?
of a jury:
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lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination when he stopped and
said: "Your honor, a juror is asleep."
Crime and Criminal Humor has moved to it's own Criminal Humor page
Legal / Courtroom Humor has moved to it's own Legal Humor page
NASA was interviewing professionals they were figuring on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip -- the guy was never returning to Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it to my alma mater -- Rice University."
The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question. "Two million dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered
in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars." "Why
so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.. The lawyer
replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll
keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."
Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."
"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"
"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."
on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After
a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you
are definitely 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients,
and you have to be 82..."
A tourist in San Francisco was looking in a shop in China Town and in the back of the shop he found a life size bronze sculpture of a RAT on it's hindquarters. He thought this was extremely off the wall and asked the proprietor how much it was. The shop owner said the RAT was $12, but the story behind it was $1,000. The tourist said he would take the RAT, but not the story, so he handed over the $12 and left.
As soon as he got outside and started walking down the street, he noticed that a couple of RATs were coming out of the storm gutter and were following him. As he walked a little farther he noticed the number of RATs following him had doubled, and more were coming out of the gutters and alley ways. After a couple of blocks he looked around again and saw hundreds of RATs following him, and he started walking faster.
He started walking real fast towards the bay and there were now thousands of RATs following him. He was really starting to get anxious now and started running. The RATs, which were now about 1/2 million kept up with him. He started running to the bay as fast as he possibly could, but the RATs, which now were in the millions kept up with him.
He finally got to the bay and being exhausted climbed the nearest light pole. He leaned back and with all his might he heaved the bronze statue of the RAT out into San Francisco Bay. Sure enough, all the RATs that were following him dove off into the bay and drowned.
went back to the store where he bought the statue and when he walked in,
the proprietor asked him if "he wanted to buy the story now".
The tourist said "No, but I would like to know if you have any statues
and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed
"Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy
read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why
did they bury two men there?"
attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared
before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for
you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients
will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will
make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul,
your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents,
and parents in law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's
National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer
be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use
attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision: 1. There are
now more attorneys than there are rats. 2. The medical researchers don't
become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.
3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears, a male and a female.
Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you
that the Czech was in the male?"
Mr. Wilson was the chairman of the United Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He called on the attorney in an attempt to persuade him mend his ways. "Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?"
The lawyer replied, "Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her penniless with three children?"
Sheepishly, the charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this.
since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande and robbing Texas banks. A reward was offered and an enterprising Texas Ranger finally captured him in his favorite saloon. He put his gun to the bandit's head and said, "Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your head off!"
However, the bandit didn't speak English and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish, but there was a bilingual lawyer present who translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the saloon.
did he say?" asked the Ranger. "He said: "Get lost jerk.
You don't have the guts to shoot me.'"
Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what he was doing on his property.
"Retrieving this duck that I just shot", he replied.
"That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine," replied the farmer.
Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to.
"No", replied the farmer, "I don't know, and I don't care."
"I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles", came the reply. "I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free man today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street."
"Well," said the farmer, "In Montana the only law we go by is the '3 kicks law'.
"Never heard of it", said Johnny.
The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours".
Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough", he said.
So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs.
After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet. "All right, now it's my turn", said Johnny.
forget it", said the farmer. "You can have the duck."
successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready
to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close
and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately
grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled
Two Lawyer's Stranded on an Island...
had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other
thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, that provided them their
food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to
see if he could see a rescue boat coming.
the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes!
I don't believe this is true!" The lawyer on the ground was skeptical
and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down
right now." So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and
told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face
up headed toward their island.
lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind.
But, within a few minutes up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman,
face up, totally unconscious. The two lawyers went over to her and one
said to the other, "You know we've been on this island for months
now, without a woman. It's been a long time...do you think we should,
you know, screw her?"
other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Out
The Washington State
Bar Association has asked the state Supreme Court to adopt a ruling prohibiting
lawyers from having sex with their clients. There are currently more than
24,000 lawyers in the state... and we must stop them before they breed
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the curious fellow.
"I'm a divorce
lawyer," the Gentleman replies.
A Man Walks Up to a Woman in a Bar
A man walked into a bar. He saw a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walked up to her and said, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turned to him, looked him straight in the eyes and stated, "I'll screw anybody, at any time, any where -- your place or my place, it doesn't matter to me."
The guy raised his
eyebrows and said, "No shit? What law firm do you work for?"
A New Orleans Lawyer Argues Thusly:
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral.
The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral proper back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, could not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund the expedition.
Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is an emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope to hell you find his original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?"
Abraham Lincoln Sizes up a Case
It's said that Abraham Lincoln once sized up the case of a prospective client as follows:
have a good case, technically, but in terms of justice and equity, it's
got problems. So you'll have to look for another lawyer to handle the
case, because the whole time I was up there talking to the jury, I'd be
thinking, 'Lincoln, you're a liar!' and I might just forget myself and
say it out loud."
An Elderly Woman Takes the Stand
A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the
judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the
bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of
you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
A Doctor and a Lawyer Discuss Billing Practices
A doctor and a lawyer
were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted
by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical
advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer,
"What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when
you're out of the office?"
A Divorcée Falls In Love With Her Lawyer
A comely redhead was
thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity
of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact,
she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though
he was a married man.
Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz
Morris needs a lawyer,
so he grabs the yellow pages and picks out a law firm -- Schwartz, Schwartz,
Schwartz & Schwartz.
12 Lawyers are Selected for a Jury
A judge was hearing
a straight forward drunk-driving case, but the defendant, who had both
a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a
jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so
the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel
anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the lobby
and told them that they were a jury.
Some Interesting Attorney-Related Trivia
A former insurance
official in Kansas hurt himself trying to lift his briefcase from his
car trunk. Even though he missed no work or even a golf game on account
of the injury, he was awarded $95,000 because of the work-related injury.
A law firm receptionist
answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed
Better to Have a Bastard in the Family Than a Lawyer
For three years, the
young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn.
The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.
His Partner Drops Dead on the Fifth Green
A lawyer drags in
from a day on the golf course looking wasted. His wife asks, "What's
Don't Tell Mother, She Thinks I'm a Pimp
After years of hard
work, Joe took his first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair,
he recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from
his old hometown.
A Blind Bunny and a Blind Snake Meet
Once upon a time,
in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned
snake. The surprising coincidence was that both were blind from birth.
Two lions were walking
down a jungle trail when the lion in the second spot reached up and licked
the lead lion right on the asshole.
A guy in a bar is
ranting and raving about lawyers, and at one point he shouts out, "Lawyers
Lawyers Bribing a Judge
I'm Sure I'm Going to Get Screwed
woman was in the pastoral study counseling for her upcoming fourth wedding.
Lesson on Good and Evil
named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe
on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
His Son Finally Breaks a Ten-Year-Old Case
son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school
and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his father's firm.
Acting as His own Lawyer Was Foolish
Court of Appeals in September turned down lawyer Philip G. Butler's challenge
to his bribery conviction.
Attorney's Night Before Christmas
on an occasion immediately preceding the Nativity festival, throughout
a certain dwelling unit, quiet descended, in which could be heard no disturbance,
not even the sound emitted by a diminutive rodent related to, and in form
resembling, a rat; and
York Lawyer at the Pearly Gates
to Avoid Shark Attacks
Mom for Jury Duty
A Priest, a Doctor and a Lawyer on the Golf Course
a doctor and a lawyer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow
group of golfers. The lawyer said to his golf partners, "What's with
these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
Attorney Goes to Heaven
He Calls for His Lawyer on His Death Bed
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. "Give it to me straight, Doc," said the man. "How long do I have?"
The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said, "Call for my lawyer."
When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes.
When he remained
silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The
man replied, "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought
I'd check out the same way."
You're Attending the Wrong Law School if...
Materials needed for Torts 101 include a baking sheet and apron.
Morley Safer and his camera crew are on campus more often than you are.
If you last the entire eight weeks, Sally Struthers personally signs your diploma.
Professors always accept 5th Amendment as an excuse for not turning in homework.
Every question answered with, "You can't handle the truth!"
Two words: Dean Wapner
Three hours a day of chasing a little metal ambulance around a dog track.
In mock trials, the judge always sentences you to a spanking.
is on a "John Gotti Scholarship."
3 Bags of Money and a Death Bed Wish
A very wealthy man is on his death bed. He calls for his doctor, priest, and lawyer. When the 3 of them arrive, he says to them: "I know they say you can't take it with you, but I want to try. There are 3 bags over there. Each has $100,000 in it. I want each of you to take a bag, and at my funeral, throw the bag in my coffin just before they close it."
The next day, the man dies. At the funeral, just before the coffin is closed, the 3 men drop their bag in the coffin.
After the funeral, the 3 are talking. The priest says: "I feel so terrible. We are building a new church, and the building fund was $10,000 short, so I took that much out of my bag before placing it in the coffin.
The doctor says: "I feel bad, too. My hospital is building a new wing, and we are also short on funds. I took $15,000 to help complete the new wing."
says: "You cheap bastards! I can't believe you! I put a check for
the full amount in the bag!"
My Dad Plays Piano in a Whorehouse
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that
to a seven-year-old?"
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.
a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney?
Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them!"
Insured Cigars Claim Lands Attorney in Jail
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things.
Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued ... and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.
The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART ... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
This is a
true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers
A Lawyer Wakes up from an Operation
A lawyer awakened after a serious operation only to find himself in a room with all the blinds drawn. "Why are all the blinds closed?" he asked the doctor.
the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street,
and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure."
A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies. .......
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having relations with a beautiful young woman.
"What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows:
"Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."
A lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads:
"Here lies Shirley, wife of Morris Rosen, L. L. D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice, and Immigracion Legal Services "
Suddenly, Morris bursts into tears. His brother says, "You SHOULD cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on Shirley's tombstone !"
tears, Morris sobs, "You don't understand! They left out the phone
Hunting and Harvesting Attorneys
A Bill To
Regulate The Hunting And Harvesting Of Attorneys
372.01 -Any person with a valid state rodent or armadillo hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting (non-commercial) purposes.
372.02 -Taking of attorneys with traps or dead falls ispermitted. The use of United States currency as bait is, however, prohibited.
372.03 -The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.
372.04 -It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.
372.05 -It is unlawful to shout "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE SCOTCH" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
372.06 -It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes, or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons.
372.07 -It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs or hospitals.
372.08 -If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a licence to hunt, trap or possess the same.
372.09 -It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
372.10 -Bag Limits Per Day:
An elderly spinster called a lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see a lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The spinster replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"
The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.
The lawyer's first question was. "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"
She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $100,000 in my savings account at the bank."
The lawyer asked, "How would you like the $100,000 distributed?"
The spinster said, "As I have told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly noticed me, so I'd like to spend $95,000 on my funeral."
The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $95,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression! But tell me," he continued, "What would you like to do with the remaining 5,000?"
The spinster replied, "I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."
"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, "But I'll see what I can do and get back with you."
That evening the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.
The next morning she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.
upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled
down, "Pick me up in a couple of days! She's going to let the county
The Law Teacher and the Student
A few centuries ago, a Law teacher came across a student who was willing to learn but was unable to pay the fee. The student struck a deal saying 'I will pay your fee the day I win my first case in the court.'
The teacher agreed and proceeded with the law course. When the course was finished and teacher started pestering the student to pay up the fee, the student reminded him of the deal they made and declined to pay.
Fed up with this, the teacher decided to sue the student in a court of law and both of them decided to argue for themselves.
The teacher put forward his argument saying: "If I win this case, as per the court of law, the student has to pay me. And if I lose the case, the student will still pay me because he would have won his first case. So either way I will get the money."
The equally brilliant student argued back saying: "If I win the case, as per the court of law, I don't have to pay anything to the teacher. And if I lose the case, I don't have to pay him because I haven't won my first case yet. So either way, I am not going to pay the teacher anything!"
This is one
of law's greatest paradoxes.
New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows(actual letter): "Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana.
God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope the hell you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?"