Lawyer Humor

Did you hear about the Lawyer who took Viagra?
His complaint was that he got taller.

Definition of a jury:
- twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney!

For these books on Legal humor, go to

The Lawyer Who Blew Up His Desk and other tales of legal madness Poetic Justice: The Funniest, Meanest Things Ever Said About Lawyers 29 Reasons Not to Got to Law School


A Columbia lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination when he stopped and said: "Your honor, a juror is asleep."
The Judge ruled: "You put him to sleep; YOU wake him up."

The Trip to Mars  
A Lawyer in Heaven  
The Cemetery  
What's the catch?  
Lab rats?  
A very convincing argument
A New Orleans Lawyer Argues Thusly:
An Elderly Woman Takes the Stand 
A Doctor and a Lawyer Discuss Billing Practices  
A Divorcée Falls In Love With Her Lawyer  
12 Lawyers are Selected for a Jury 
Some Interesting Attorney-Related Trivia 
Better to Have a Bastard in the Family Than a Lawyer 
Don't Tell Mother, She Thinks I'm a Pimp  
Two Lions in the Jungle... 
A Lawyer's secret...  
Attorney's Night Before Christmas 
New York Lawyer at the Pearly Gates  
Preparing Mom for Jury Duty  
An Attorney Goes to Heaven
3 Bags of Money and a Death Bed Wish
My Dad Plays Piano in a Whorehouse
A Lawyer Wakes up from an Operation
Brief Lawyer Jokes 3/15/03
The Law Teacher and the Student
Your basic lawyer jokes... 3/15/2003
A Vacation gone Wrong
What Charity?  
The Bandit
Johnny Cochran in Montana  
A Lawyer's Lexus is Hit...  
Two Lawyer's Stranded on an Island  
Stop Them from Breeding! - News
Drumming up Business
A Man Walks Up to a Woman in a Bar
Abraham Lincoln Sizes up a Case 
Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz 
The Senior Partner Dies 
His Partner Drops Dead on the Fifth Green 
A Blind Bunny and a Blind Snake Meet 
A Lesson on Good and Evil  
A Lawyer Named Strange Died  
Acting as His own Lawyer Was Foolish  
How to Avoid Shark Attacks  
A Priest, a Doctor and a Lawyer on the Golf Course
He Calls for His Lawyer on His Death Bed
You're Attending the Wrong Law School if...
A Shilling to Bury a Lawyer
Insured Cigars Claim Lands Attorney in Jail
Hunting and Harvesting Attorneys
The Spinster and the Attorney
Getting an FHA Loan

Crime and Criminal Humor has moved to it's own Criminal Humor page

Legal / Courtroom Humor has moved to it's own Legal Humor page

The Trip to Mars

NASA was interviewing professionals they were figuring on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip -- the guy was never returning to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it to my alma mater -- Rice University."

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question. "Two million dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars." "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.. The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."
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You're HOW old?

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."

"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"

"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.

"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."

"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are definitely 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."
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A tourist in San Francisco was looking in a shop in China Town and in the back of the shop he found a life size bronze sculpture of a RAT on it's hindquarters. He thought this was extremely off the wall and asked the proprietor how much it was. The shop owner said the RAT was $12, but the story behind it was $1,000. The tourist said he would take the RAT, but not the story, so he handed over the $12 and left.

As soon as he got outside and started walking down the street, he noticed that a couple of RATs were coming out of the storm gutter and were following him. As he walked a little farther he noticed the number of RATs following him had doubled, and more were coming out of the gutters and alley ways. After a couple of blocks he looked around again and saw hundreds of RATs following him, and he started walking faster.

He started walking real fast towards the bay and there were now thousands of RATs following him. He was really starting to get anxious now and started running. The RATs, which were now about 1/2 million kept up with him. He started running to the bay as fast as he possibly could, but the RATs, which now were in the millions kept up with him.

He finally got to the bay and being exhausted climbed the nearest light pole. He leaned back and with all his might he heaved the bronze statue of the RAT out into San Francisco Bay. Sure enough, all the RATs that were following him dove off into the bay and drowned.

He went back to the store where he bought the statue and when he walked in, the proprietor asked him if "he wanted to buy the story now". The tourist said "No, but I would like to know if you have any statues of lawyers".
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The Cemetery

A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"
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What's the catch?

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents in law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners." The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
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Lab rats?

The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision: 1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats. 2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats. 3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.
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Basic Lawyer Jokes...

  • What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
    A tick falls off you when you die.
  • Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
    To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
  • What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
    Stick his bill up his ass.
  • What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
    Not enough sand.
  • What do you call 2000 lawyers chained together at the bottom of the bay?
    A good start.
  • What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
    There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
  • What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
    A Doberman.
  • Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
    If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
    Once launched, they cannot be recalled.
    When they land, they screw up everything forever.
  • What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
    One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
  • Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
    They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
  • Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
  • You're in a room with a lawyer and Adolf Hitler. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
    Shoot the lawyer twice!!
  • What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
  • What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
  • What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
    Chelsea Clinton
  • If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
    It might be your bicycle.
  • Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk walking down the street together when they simultaneously hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
    The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
  • It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ...
    that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
  • An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor. "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
  • A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
  • What do lawyers use for birth control?
    Their personalities.
  • Lawyers are proof you can get pregnant through anal sex!
  • Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? 
    They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on!
  • Q: What is the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
    A: The rooster clucks defiance...
  • "I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money."
    "Why do you say that?"
    "Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $250'."
  • Q: Why do lawyers wear neckties?
    A: It keeps the foreskin from crawling up over their faces!
  • Q: What's the other difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
    A: Vultures can't take their wing tips off.
  • Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
    A: Your Honor.
  • Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 60?
    A: Mr. Chief Justice.
  • "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
    "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
  • Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled its latest stamps?
    A: It had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on!

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A Vacation gone Wrong

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.

On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears, a male and a female.

Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.

Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"
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What Charity?

Mr. Wilson was the chairman of the United Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He called on the attorney in an attempt to persuade him mend his ways. "Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?"

The lawyer replied, "Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her penniless with three children?"

Sheepishly, the charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this.

"Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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The Bandit

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande and robbing Texas banks. A reward was offered and an enterprising Texas Ranger finally captured him in his favorite saloon. He put his gun to the bandit's head and said, "Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your head off!"

However, the bandit didn't speak English and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish, but there was a bilingual lawyer present who translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the saloon.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger. "He said: "Get lost jerk. You don't have the guts to shoot me.'"
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Johnny Cochran in Montana

Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what he was doing on his property.

"Retrieving this duck that I just shot", he replied.

"That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine," replied the farmer.

Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to.

"No", replied the farmer, "I don't know, and I don't care."

"I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles", came the reply. "I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free man today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street."

"Well," said the farmer, "In Montana the only law we go by is the '3 kicks law'.

"Never heard of it", said Johnny.

The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours".

Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough", he said.

So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs.

After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet. "All right, now it's my turn", said Johnny.

"Aw, forget it", said the farmer. "You can have the duck."
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A Lawyer's Lexus is hit...

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

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Two Lawyer's Stranded on an Island...

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, that provided them their food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!" The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now." So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island.

The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But, within a few minutes up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious. The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, "You know we've been on this island for months now, without a woman. It's been a long you think we should, you know, screw her?"

The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Out of what?"
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Stop Them from Breeding!

The Washington State Bar Association has asked the state Supreme Court to adopt a ruling prohibiting lawyers from having sex with their clients. There are currently more than 24,000 lawyers in the state... and we must stop them before they breed again.
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Drumming up Business

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the curious fellow.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the Gentleman replies.
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A Man Walks Up to a Woman in a Bar

A man walked into a bar. He saw a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walked up to her and said, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"

She turned to him, looked him straight in the eyes and stated, "I'll screw anybody, at any time, any where -- your place or my place, it doesn't matter to me."

The guy raised his eyebrows and said, "No shit? What law firm do you work for?"
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A New Orleans Lawyer Argues Thusly:

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral.

The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral proper back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, could not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund the expedition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is an emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope to hell you find his original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?"

They got it.
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Abraham Lincoln Sizes up a Case

It's said that Abraham Lincoln once sized up the case of a prospective client as follows:

"You have a good case, technically, but in terms of justice and equity, it's got problems. So you'll have to look for another lawyer to handle the case, because the whole time I was up there talking to the jury, I'd be thinking, 'Lincoln, you're a liar!' and I might just forget myself and say it out loud."
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An Elderly Woman Takes the Stand

A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.

You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents.  And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
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A Doctor and a Lawyer Discuss Billing Practices

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared a batch of bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
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A Divorcée Falls In Love With Her Lawyer

A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man.

"Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?"

Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, "Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motel rooms - is that really what you want for us?"

"No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick.

"Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."
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Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz

Morris needs a lawyer, so he grabs the yellow pages and picks out a law firm -- Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz.

He calls up and says, "Is Mr. Schwartz in?"

The man says, "No, he's out playing golf."

Morris says, "All right, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz."

"He's not with the firm any more, he's retired."

"Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."

"He's away in Boston, won't be back for a month."

"Okay, then let me talk to the other Mr. Schwartz."

He says, "Speaking!"
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12 Lawyers are Selected for a Jury

A judge was hearing a straight forward drunk-driving case, but the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the lobby and told them that they were a jury.

The trial was over in about 10 minutes and the jury went into the jury-room to deliberate. The judge figured he would be going home soon, and everyone waited.

But one hour turned into two hours, and finally after three hours, the judge was totally out of patience. He sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well, have they got a verdict yet?"

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? They're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
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Some Interesting Attorney-Related Trivia

A former insurance official in Kansas hurt himself trying to lift his briefcase from his car trunk. Even though he missed no work or even a golf game on account of the injury, he was awarded $95,000 because of the work-related injury.

A law firm in New Orleans routinely billed four hours of work for letters that were only one sentence in length.

A Chicago lawyer charged $25,000 for "ground transportation" while on business in San Francisco.

A Kansas lawyer received close to $35,000 in workmen's compensation because he hurt his shoulder reaching into the backseat of the car for his briefcase.

A lawyer while working on a government contract, wrote a definition of the words "and/or" that was over 300 words in length.
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The Senior Partner Dies

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.

"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone. "I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.

"Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client. The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."

"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client again. "Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?", said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is DEAD!"

"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough!"
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Better to Have a Bastard in the Family Than a Lawyer

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap.

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer!"
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His Partner Drops Dead on the Fifth Green

A lawyer drags in from a day on the golf course looking wasted. His wife asks, "What's the matter?"

"My partner, Henry, dropped dead on the fifth green," the lawyer replied.

"That's terrible," said his wife. "You'd better believe it," the lawyer said. "After that it was nothing but hit the ball and drag Henry. Hit the ball and drag Henry...."
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Don't Tell Mother, She Thinks I'm a Pimp

After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old hometown.

He crossed the deck, seized the fellow's hand and said: "Hello, Pete. I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?"

"I'm practicing law," whispered Pete. "But don't tell mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp!"
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A Blind Bunny and a Blind Snake Meet

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. The surprising coincidence was that both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth; so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.

I'd say you must be either a lawyer, or possibly part of upper management."
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Two Lions in the Jungle...

Two lions were walking down a jungle trail when the lion in the second spot reached up and licked the lead lion right on the asshole.

"Hey!" exclaimed the first lion.

A short while later, the second lion reached up and licked him again.

"What is your problem?!" roared the first lion.

The second lion said "You know those "missionaries" we ate a while ago?"

"Yeah" said lion #1.

"Well, I think one of them might have been a lawyer, because I just can't get this nasty taste out of my mouth!" 
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Lawyers are Assholes!

A guy in a bar is ranting and raving about lawyers, and at one point he shouts out, "Lawyers are assholes!"

Another guy at the other end of the bar stands up and says, "Hey, I resent that remark." 

The first guy replies, "Oh, sorry pal, I didn't know you were a lawyer." 

The second says, "I'm not a lawyer; I'm an asshole!"
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Two Lawyers Bribing a Judge

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably at their table. "You, attorney Finkelstein, gave me $15,000.  And you, attorney Goldberg, gave me $10,000. In all honesty I cannot unfairly accept two bribes," said the judge.

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to attorney Finkelstein saying, "Now, then, I'm returning $5,000 to you Mr. Finkelstein, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"
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I'm Sure I'm Going to Get Screwed

A mature woman was in the pastoral study counseling for her upcoming fourth wedding.

"Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"

"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be true."

"Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk.  My next husband worked in construction, and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. My last husband was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."
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A Lesson on Good and Evil

The priest was instructing a class of third-graders at All Saints grammar school. "There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal.

"But the other brother studied hard and became a successful, knowledgeable lawyer. "Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who both started out in the same place?"

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Easy. One of them got caught."
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A Lawyer Named Strange Died

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby might think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"  
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A Lawyer's secret...

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer.

"But it's only $500," replied the man.

"Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him."
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His Son Finally Breaks a Ten-Year-Old Case

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his father's firm.

At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father's office and said, "Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you've been working on for ten years!"

His father responded: "You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for ten years!"
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Acting as His own Lawyer Was Foolish

The Florida Court of Appeals in September turned down lawyer Philip G. Butler's challenge to his bribery conviction.

Butler had represented himself at trial and lost, and then claimed on appeal that the reason he lost was that he had failed to inform himself adequately that acting as his own lawyer was foolish.

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Attorney's Night Before Christmas

Whereas, on an occasion immediately preceding the Nativity festival, throughout a certain dwelling unit, quiet descended, in which could be heard no disturbance, not even the sound emitted by a diminutive rodent related to, and in form resembling, a rat; and

Whereas, the offspring of the occupants had affixed their tubular, closely knit coverings for the nether limbs to the flue of the fireplace in expectation that a personage known as St. Nicholas would arrive; and

Whereas, said offspring had become somnolent, and were entertaining re: saccharine-flavored fruit; and

Whereas, the adult male of the family, et ux, attired in proper headgear, had also become quiescent in anticipation of nocturnal inertia; and

Whereas, a distraction on the snowy acreage outside aroused the owner to investigate; and

Whereas, he perceived in a most unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled by eight domesticated quadrupeds of a species found in artic regions; and

Whereas, a most odd rotund gentleman was entreating the aforesaid animals by their appellations, as follows:

"Your immediate co-operation is requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen; and collective action by you will be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen"; and

Whereas, subsequent to the above, there occurred a swift descent to the hearth by the aforementioned gentleman, where he proceeded to deposit gratuities in the aforementioned tubular coverings.

Now, therefore, be ye advised: that upon completion of these acts, and upon his return to his original point of departure, he proclaimed a felicitation of the type prevalent and suitable to these occasions, i.e.:

Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Night!
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New York Lawyer at the Pearly Gates

A New York divorce lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.  Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."  The lawyer thought and thought, and finally said, "Wait! There's more! Three years ago I gave another homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him his 50 cents back and tell him to go to Hell!"
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How to Avoid Shark Attacks

1. Never Leave Kansas.

2. Roll in manure before diving.

3. Always dive with a buddy. When sharks approach, point to buddy.

4. Dive with a briefcase. Sharks may mistake you for an attorney and leave you alone out of professional courtesy.
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Preparing Mom for Jury Duty

When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors. Since I am an attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.

Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer." As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney.

"Only to mow my lawn," she said.  
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A Priest, a Doctor and a Lawyer on the Golf Course

A priest, a doctor and a lawyer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The lawyer said to his golf partners, "What's with these guys?  We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor replied, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" At that, the priest chimed in, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper, let's have a word with him."

The priest was first to approach the greenskeeper.  "Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us?  They're rather slow, aren't they?"  George, the greenskeeper, replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.  They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The priest stated, "That's very nice of you.  I think I will say a special prayer for them at mass on Sunday."

The doctor added, "Good idea--I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

Finally, the lawyer proclaimed, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
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An Attorney Goes to Heaven

An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven. Not at all happy with his accommodations, he complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.

The attorney immediately advised St. Peter that he intended to appeal. The attorney was immediately informed that it would be at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, however his words fell on deaf ears.

The lawyer was then approached by Satan, who told him that he would be able to arrange his appeal to be heard in just a few days, but only if the attorney stipulated to change the venue to Hell.

When the attorney inquired as to why appeals could be heard so much faster in Hell, Satan gleefully exclaimed, "Who do you think has all of the judges!"
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He Calls for His Lawyer on His Death Bed

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. "Give it to me straight, Doc," said the man. "How long do I have?"

The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said, "Call for my lawyer."

When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes.

When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied, "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."
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You're Attending the Wrong Law School if...

Materials needed for Torts 101 include a baking sheet and apron.

Morley Safer and his camera crew are on campus more often than you are.

If you last the entire eight weeks, Sally Struthers personally signs your diploma.

Professors always accept 5th Amendment as an excuse for not turning in homework.

Every question answered with, "You can't handle the truth!"

Two words: Dean Wapner

Three hours a day of chasing a little metal ambulance around a dog track.

In mock trials, the judge always sentences you to a spanking.

Your roommate is on a "John Gotti Scholarship."
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3 Bags of Money and a Death Bed Wish

A very wealthy man is on his death bed. He calls for his doctor, priest, and lawyer. When the 3 of them arrive, he says to them: "I know they say you can't take it with you, but I want to try. There are 3 bags over there. Each has $100,000 in it. I want each of you to take a bag, and at my funeral, throw the bag in my coffin just before they close it."

The next day, the man dies. At the funeral, just before the coffin is closed, the 3 men drop their bag in the coffin.

After the funeral, the 3 are talking. The priest says: "I feel so terrible. We are building a new church, and the building fund was $10,000 short, so I took that much out of my bag before placing it in the coffin.

The doctor says: "I feel bad, too. My hospital is building a new wing, and we are also short on funds. I took $15,000 to help complete the new wing."

The lawyer says: "You cheap bastards! I can't believe you! I put a check for the full amount in the bag!"
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My Dad Plays Piano in a Whorehouse

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
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A Shilling to Bury a Lawyer

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.

"Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them!"
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Insured Cigars Claim Lands Attorney in Jail

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things.

Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued ... and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.

The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART ... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
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A Lawyer Wakes up from an Operation

A lawyer awakened after a serious operation only to find himself in a room with all the blinds drawn. "Why are all the blinds closed?" he asked the doctor.

"Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure."
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A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replies. .......

"Divorce Attorney."
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Brief Lawyer Jokes

"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.

"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having relations with a beautiful young woman.

"What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows:

"Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."

A lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads:

"Here lies Shirley, wife of Morris Rosen, L. L. D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice, and Immigracion Legal Services "

Suddenly, Morris bursts into tears. His brother says, "You SHOULD cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on Shirley's tombstone !"

Through his tears, Morris sobs, "You don't understand! They left out the phone number!"

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Hunting and Harvesting Attorneys

A Bill To Regulate The Hunting And Harvesting Of Attorneys

372.01 -Any person with a valid state rodent or armadillo hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting (non-commercial) purposes.

372.02 -Taking of attorneys with traps or dead falls ispermitted. The use of United States currency as bait is, however, prohibited.

372.03 -The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.

372.04 -It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.

372.05 -It is unlawful to shout "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE SCOTCH" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

372.06 -It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes, or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons.

372.07 -It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs or hospitals.

372.08 -If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a licence to hunt, trap or possess the same.

372.09 -It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

372.10 -Bag Limits Per Day:

* Yellow-bellied Sidewinders: 2
* Two-faced Tort-feasors: 1
* Back-stabbing Divorce Litigators: 3
* Horn-rimmed Cut-throats: 2
* Minutiae-advocating Chickens: 4
* Honest Attorneys: 0 (Protected, Endangered species)
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The Spinster and the Attorney

An elderly spinster called a lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see a lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The spinster replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer's first question was. "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $100,000 in my savings account at the bank."

The lawyer asked, "How would you like the $100,000 distributed?"

The spinster said, "As I have told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly noticed me, so I'd like to spend $95,000 on my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $95,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression! But tell me," he continued, "What would you like to do with the remaining 5,000?"

The spinster replied, "I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, "But I'll see what I can do and get back with you."

That evening the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

The next morning she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled down, "Pick me up in a couple of days! She's going to let the county bury her!"
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The Law Teacher and the Student

A few centuries ago, a Law teacher came across a student who was willing to learn but was unable to pay the fee. The student struck a deal saying 'I will pay your fee the day I win my first case in the court.'

The teacher agreed and proceeded with the law course. When the course was finished and teacher started pestering the student to pay up the fee, the student reminded him of the deal they made and declined to pay.

Fed up with this, the teacher decided to sue the student in a court of law and both of them decided to argue for themselves.

The teacher put forward his argument saying: "If I win this case, as per the court of law, the student has to pay me. And if I lose the case, the student will still pay me because he would have won his first case. So either way I will get the money."

The equally brilliant student argued back saying: "If I win the case, as per the court of law, I don't have to pay anything to the teacher. And if I lose the case, I don't have to pay him because I haven't won my first case yet. So either way, I am not going to pay the teacher anything!"

This is one of law's greatest paradoxes.
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Getting an FHA Loan

New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

(actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows(actual letter): "Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana.

God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope the hell you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?"

The loan was approved.

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