The following portion of a transcript, which was confirmed with one of the counsel involved (Ms. Olschner) and subsequently was posted on Lexis Counsel Connect. The transcript is from Birmingham, Alabama, although the use of a deposition of a party opponent "for any purpose" is also in the federal rules. We have no word on what had happened immediately prior to this exchange:

*The Court:* Next witness.

*Ms. Olschner:* Your Honor, at this time I would like to swat Mr. Buck in the head with his client's deposition.

*The Court:* You mean read it?

*Ms. Olschner:* No, sir. I mean to swat him [in] the head with it. Pursuant to Rule 32, I may use the deposition "for any purpose" and that is the purpose for which I want to use it.

*The Court:* Well, it does say that.

(Pause.)

*The Court:* There being no objection, you may proceed.

*Ms. Olschner:* Thank you, Judge Hanes.

(Whereupon Ms. Olschner swatted Mr. Buck in the head with a deposition.)

*Mr. Buck:* But Judge...

*The Court:* Next witness.

*Mr. Buck:* We object.

*The Court:* Sustained. Next witness.

End transcript.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?

WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?

WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?

WITNESS: No.

CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."

WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."

CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."

WITNESS: That's right.

CLERK: Repeat it.

WITNESS: "Repeat it".

CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.

WITNESS: What you said when?

CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."

WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."

CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."

WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!

CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."

WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.

CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."

WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."

CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".

WITNESS: Okay.
(Witness remains silent.)

CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."

WITNESS: Yes.

CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?

WITNESS: Yes.

CLERK: Well? Do so.

WITNESS: You're confusing me.

CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".

WITNESS: Is that all?

CLERK: Yes.

WITNESS: Okay. I understand.

CLERK: Then say it.

WITNESS: What?

CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."

WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.

CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."

WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!

CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth".

WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?

CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.

WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."

CLERK: Thank you.

WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.

LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?

WITNESS: I did.

LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?

WITNESS: I did.

LAWYER: And did you observe anything?

WITNESS: I did.
(Witness remains silent.)

LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?

WITNESS: I saw George.

LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?

WITNESS: Yes.

LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?

WITNESS: Yes.
(Witness remains silent.)

LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?

WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.

LAWYER: His "thing"?

WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.

LAWYER: You passed close by the duckpond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?

WITNESS: Yes.

LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?

WITNESS: Of course I did!

LAWYER: What did you say to him?

WITNESS: "Morning, George."

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Stupid Quotes:

"I object to your calling me a person, your honor."
[Rodney Skurdal in 1996 when asked by a federal magistrate if he had the right person before him.]

"What are you talking about, some 'witness,' man, There was only me and her in the store."
[Blurted out by a defendant in objection to testimony by a police officer who accidentally used the term "witness" instead of victim.]

"I enjoyed drinking while driving. It's one of the most pleasurable habits I've had.
[Steven L. Johnson explaining his situation to the judge who had sentenced him to two years in prison.]

"I sued for $2,500 and the judge gave me $837.29. I don't think he realizes how much a girl's hair means to her.
[Lauryl Boyer on the award she received for a bad perm.]

A wedding ring is exempt from inclusion among the assets in a bankrupt estate, no matter how much the bankrupt person owes.

Private automobiles were forbidden on the island of Bermuda until 1948. This is why there are still so many bicycles there today.

In Idaho it is forbidden to give another person a box of candy that weighs more than 50 pounds.

Until 1834, it was forbidden for any soldier or unit of the Army to carry the American flag into battle. The privilege was awarded to artillery units only.

A Venetian law states that all gondolas must be painted black.

The only exceptions are gondolas belonging to public officials.

In San Salvador drunk driving is punishable by death before a firing squad.

In 1976 Cecilia Pizzo filed a lawsuit against the United States to nullify the Louisiana Purchase. A New Orleans federal judge ruled that Ms. Pizzo filed her case 167 years after the statute of limitation had run out.

New Jersey

It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer.

If you have been convicted of driving while intoxicated, you may never again apply for personalized license plates.

It is illegal to delay or detain a homing pigeon.

You may not slurp your soup.

To keep them from forming bad habits, it is illegal to feed whiskey or offer cigarettes to animals at the zoo in Manville, New Jersey.

Maine

In Maine, it is illegal for a Police Officer to tell a person to have a nice day after pulling that person over in a car and issuing them a ticket.

After January 14th you can be charged a fine for still having your Christmas decorations displayed.

You may not step out of a plane in flight.

It is legal to bring shotguns to church in the event of an American Indian attack.

Utah

A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.

You cannot have sex in the back of an ambulance if it is responding to an emergency call.

It is illegal not to drink milk.

Throwing snowballs is a fineable offense in Provo.

Women are prohibited from swearing in Logan.

Alcohol may not be sold during an emergency.

Arizona

Cars may not be driven in reverse.

Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.

Women may not wear pants.

A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.

It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.

There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.

Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.

It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.

Hunting camels is prohibited.

Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony (This goes back to the days of the Wild West).

You may not have more than two dildos per household.

Oregon

It is legal to smoke marijuana on your own property! You just can't sell it or buy it.

The "Peer Review Statute" prohibits you from finding out details of any written or oral discussion about your medical treatment. Not even a court of law can. All you can access is what the doctor or nurse voluntarily records in your chart.

One may not bathe without wearing "suitable clothing," i.e., that which covers one's body from neck to knee.

It is illegal to use foul or suggestive language during sex.

You may not pump your own gas in service stations.

Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing.

Ice cream may not be eaten on Sundays.

Dishes must drip dry.

South Carolina

It is a capital offense to inadvertently kill someone while attempting suicide.

No work may be done on Sunday.

Two exceptions to the above law is the sale of light bulbs and tobacco.

It is perfectly legal to beat your wife on the court house steps on Sundays.

Merchandise may not be sold within a half mile of a church unless fruit is being sold.

By law, if a man promises to marry an unmarried woman, the marriage must take place.

All schools must prepare a suitable program for Francis Willard Day so that children may be taught the evils of intemperance.

The Fire Department in Charleston may blow up your house to create a fire brake.

Oklahoma

It is illegal to have the hind legs of an farm animal in your boots.

It's statutory rape for a man over 18 to have sex with a female under the age of 18, provided she's a virgin. If she's not a virgin, it is permissible, but the said person must be over 16. If both parties are under 18, the law does not apply.

Tattoos are illegal.

Whaling is illegal.

Women are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.

Women may not gamble in the nude, in lingerie, or while wearing a towel in Schulter, OK.

Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.

New Hampshire

You may not tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.

You cannot sell the clothes you are wearing to pay off a gambling debt.

It is an offense to check into a hotel under an assumed name.

It is illegal to pick seaweed up off of the beach.

On Sundays citizens may not relieve themselves while looking up.

If a person is caught raking the beaches, picking up litter, hauling away trash, building a bench for the park and many other activities without a permit, he/she may be fined $150 for "maintaining the national forest without a permit."

Illinois

You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person.

It is a felony offense to eavesdrop on your own conversation.

You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile.

The English language is not to be spoken.

Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire. Chicago, Il.

It is an offense to feed whiskey to a dog. Chicago, Il.

It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits. Chicago, Il.

It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets. Zion, Il.

Kentucky

Bees entering Kentucky must have a certificate of health.

Any person who displays, handles or uses any kind of reptile in connection with any religious service or gathering shall be fined not less than fifty dollars.

Any person who appears on a highway, or the street of any city that has no police protection, when clothed only in ordinary bathing garb, shall be fined not less than five dollars.

No person shall sell, exchange or possess living baby chicks, ducklings, or other fowl or rabbits which have been dyed or colored; nor sell or exchange baby chicks or other fowl under two months of age in any quantity less than six, except that any rabbit weighing three pounds or more may be sold at an age of six weeks.

Idaho

It is illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing more than fifty pounds.

You may not fish on a camel's back.

It is an offense to ride on a merry-go-round on Sundays.

If a police officer approaches a vehicle and suspects that the occupants are engaging in sex, he must either honk, or flash his lights and wait three minutes before approaching the car. Coeur d' Alene, ID

Montana

A man and a woman cannot have sex in any position other than missionary style. (Repealed)

Movies that depict acts of felonious crime cannot be shown.

A wife may not open her husband's mail. Sheep may not be in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.

Balls may not be thrown within the city limits.

Citizens are not allowed to draw funny faces on their window shades.

Vehicles may not be operated with ice picks attached to the wheels.

Unrestrained giggling while walking on city street is forbidden by law.

In Montana, it is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all.

Arkansas

The Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main

Street bridge in Little Rock.

Arkansas must be pronounced "Arkansaw"

A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise.

A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.

Oral sex is considered to be sodomy.

Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs.

Texas

"...idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane and women..."
- A law standing in Texas until 1918 regulating who could not vote.

It is "illegal to discharge a fire arm while performing intercourse."

Ohio

Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.

It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.

It is illegal to get a fish drunk.

Participating or conducting a duel is prohibited.

It is illegal to mistreat anything of great importance.

Owners of tigers must notify authorities within one hour if the tiger escapes.

It is illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture. Oxford, OH.

In Bexley, OH, ordinance number 223 prohibits the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses.

Indiana

Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans.

It is illegal for a man to be sexually aroused in public.

In South Bend, it is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.

Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.

Pedestrians crossing the highway at night are prohibited from wearing tail lights.

Anyone 14 or older who profanely curses, damns or swears by the name of God, Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, shall be fined one to three dollars for each offense, with a maximum fine of ten dollars per day. 

In Gary, within four hours of eating garlic, a person may not enter a movie house, theater or ride a public streetcar. 

Bizarre Canadian Laws

You may not pay for a fifty-cent item with only pennies.

Citizens may not publicly remove bandages.

In British Columbia, it is illegal to kill a sasquatch.

In New Brunswick, driving on the roads is not allowed.

In Montreal, you may not swear in French.

Also in Montreal, citizens may not relieve themselves or spit on the street. Punishable by a fine of over 100 Canadian dollars.

In Beaconsfield, it is considered an offense to have more than two colors of paint on your house.

In Toronto, you can't drag a dead horse down Yonge St. on a Sunday.

The city of Guelph is classified as a no-pee zone.

Iowa

One-armed piano players must perform for free.

A man with a moustache may never kiss a woman in public.

It is a violation of the law to sell or distribute drugs or narcotics without having first obtained the appropriate Iowa drug tax stamp.

In Indianola, the "Ice Cream Man" and his truck are banned.

In Fort Madison, the fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire.

In Marshalltown, horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants.

Within the city limits of Ottumwa, a man may not wink at any woman he does not know.

Florida

Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

In Pensacola, a women can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in a bathtub because of using self-beautification utensils.

Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.

You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.
                        
In Daytona Beach, the molestation of trash cans is banned.

It is considered an offense to shower naked.

In Sarasota, if you hit a pedestrian you are fined $78.00.

You may not kiss your wife's breasts.

In Sarasota, you may not catch crabs.

Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.

A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday.

If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.

It is illegal to skateboard without a license.

When having sex, only the missionary position is legal.

Oral sex is illegal.

 
Australia

In Victoria, it is illegal to wear hot pink pants after midday Sunday.

It is illegal to walk on the right hand side of a footpath.

In Victoria, only licensed electricians may change a light bulb. The fine for not abiding by this law is 10 pounds.

It is illegal to roam the streets wearing black clothes, felt shoes and black shoe polish on your face as these items are the tools of a cat burglar.

Children may not purchase cigarettes, but they may smoke them.

In Victoria, you must have a neck to knee swimsuit in order o swim at Brighton Beach.
 
In Tasmania, until the Port Arthur Killings it was legal to own an AK-47 but not legal to be gay.

England

Chelsea Pensioner may not be impersonated.

It is illegal for a lady to eat chocolates on a public conveyance.

In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless in public except as a clerk in a tropical fish store.

Any boy under the age of 10 may not see a naked mannequin.

Anal sex is prohibited.

It is legal for a male to urinate in public, as long it is on the rear wheel of his motor vehicle and his right hand is on the vehicle.

In Chester, you can only shoot a Welsh person with a bow and arrow inside the city walls and after midnight. 

Singapore

Chewing gum on subways may result in fines and/or jail time.

Homosexuals are not allowed to live in the country.

Oral sex is illegal unless it is used as a form of foreplay.

As it is considered pornographic, you may not walk around your home nude.

Failure to flush a public toilet after use may result in very hefty fines.

It is considered an offense to enter the country with cigarettes.

If you are convicted of littering three times, you will have to clean the streets on Sundays with a bib on saying, "I am a litterer." This will then be broadcasted on the local news.

It is illegal to pee in an elevator.

Alabama

In Jasper, it is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.

It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.

Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.

Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.

You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.

It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.

It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.

Clothes may not be hung to dry on Sunday.

It is considered an offense to mow your lawn on a Sunday, because it causes too much noise.

It is illegal to flush the toilet after 10 p.m. if you live in an apartment.

A man may not relieve himself while standing up, after 10 p.m.

Though it is illegal to produce, store, sell alcohol, it is legal to consume it.

It is required that every car with snow tires has to have a sticker on its dashboard which tells that the driver should not drive faster than 160 km/h with these tires.

Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.

Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

In Baldwin Park, nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

In Belvedere, there is a City Council order which reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."

In Blythe, you are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.

In Chico, detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

In Los Angeles, you may not hunt moths under a street light and toads may not be licked.

In Pacific Grove, molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.

In San Francisco, persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.

New York

It is illegal to shoot at a rabbit from a moving trolley.

Flirting with a woman can earn a fine of $25. A second conviction is punishable by making the offender wear horse blinders in public.

It's illegal to speak to a person while riding in an elevator and you must fold your hands while looking forward.

You must purchase a license to hang clothes on a clothesline.

According to New York City statues the following means of making a living are illegal: skinning horses or cows, burning offal, growing ragweed and burning bones.

Before enactment of the 1978 law that made it mandatory for dog owners in New York City to clean up after their pets, approximately 40 million pounds of excrement were deposited on the streets every year.
                         
It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.

The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

Citizens may not greet each other by "putting one's thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers". 

Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.

You may not smoke within 100 feet of the entrance to a public building.

It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing."

A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.

Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M.

Pennsylvania

It is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel. However up to 120 men can live together, without breaking the law.

Ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or groom is drunk.

It is contrary to Pennsylvania law to discharge a gun, cannon, revolver or other explosive weapon at a wedding.

A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.

You may not sing in the bathtub.

A person is not eligible to become Governor if he/she has participated in a duel.

Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must hide his car under the nearest bushes.

You may not catch a fish with your hands.

You may not catch a fish by any body part except the mouth.


Assorted International Laws

In China, you must be intelligent in order to go to college. 

In Denmark, no one may start a car while someone is underneath the vehicle.

In France, no pig may be addressed as Napoleon by its owner.

In Israel, picking your nose is illegal.

In Norway, you may not spay your female dog or cat. However, you may neuter the males of the species.

In Scotland, it is illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow.

In Sweden, while prostitution is legal, it is illegal for anyone to use the services of a prostitute.

In Thailand, it is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear.

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. 

Michigan

Michigan takes their rats seriously. You can collect a 10 cent bounty on every rat you bring into a town office.

It is legal for a robber to file a law suit, if he or she is injured in your house.

Any person over the age of 12 may have a license for a handgun as long as he/she has not been convicted of a felony.

It is against the law to serenade your girlfriend in Kalamazoo.

In Pontiac, Michigan, it is illegal to drink soda in a bag of any kind.

Michigan law prohibits chaining an alligator to a fire hydrant.

Couples are banned from making love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.

It is illegal to paint sparrows to sell them as parakeets.

Back to the Top

After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes, we have, your honor," The foreman responded.

"Would you please pass it to me," The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court." "We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of bank robbery." stated the foreman. The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude.

The man's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?"

The defendant, with a bewildered look on his face turns to his attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"
Back to the Top

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"

"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded one jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him."

She wasn't selected for the jury.
Back to the Top

KENTUCKY - Five men and seven women jurors of the Jefferson County Circuit Court could not come to a decision in the trial of murder suspect Phillip J. Givens II. So instead of wasting the tax-payers valuable dollars they decided to flip a coin. It was tails. Shortly before he was about to pass his sentence, Judge Kenneth Conliffe learned how the jury had reached its verdict and declared a mistrial. "I didn't think we had anything to lose," jury foreman David Melton said. "We were going to be hung without it." The coin used was a silver dollar.
Back to the Top

When one county judge wanted to remedy the missed court appearance by the defense attorney, he first asked for a reasonable explanation for the absence. The lawyer replied that he, "had the screaming itches of the crotch. I wasn't here because I would have been scratching my testicles constantly." The judge was not satisfied by this explanation so he held him in contempt; then doubled his fine for what he felt was a "degrading" excuse.
Back to the Top

A former insurance official in Kansas hurt himself trying to life his briefcase from his car trunk. Even though he missed no work or even a golf game on account of the injury, he was awarded $95,000 because of the work-related injury.

A law firm in New Orleans routinely billed four hours of work for letters that were only one sentence in length.

a Chicago lawyer charged $25,000 for "ground transportation" while on business in San Francisco.

A Kansas lawyer received close to $35,000 in workman's compensation because he hurt his shoulder reaching into the backseat of the car for his briefcase.

A lawyer while working on a government contract, wrote a definition of the words "and/or" that was over 300 words in length.
Back to the Top

Frustrated by the routine release of women convicted of misdemeanor prostitution, one judge in San Francisco set a hooker's bail at $5 billion.

In 1981 Deuel Wilhelm Davies of Tuscaloosa, Alabama, was sentenced to 10,000 years in prison for a triple murder, one of his victims being his mother-in-law.

A man in Winthrop, Maine, divorced his wife because she "wore earplugs whenever his mother came to visit."

FAYETTEVILLE, NC - Francisco Tirado was recently found guilty of the murder of two women as part of a gang initiation ritual. When the judge asked for testimony to mitigate a death sentence, Tirado’s mother was supposed to appear. She was not allowed to act as a character witness because she was drunk and not allowed to enter the courtroom. He is presently serving a life sentence.
Back to the Top

It's said that Abraham Lincoln once sized up the case of a prospective client as follows:

BOSTON - A woman escaped police by urinating on the floor during a court hearing and claiming that her "water had broken".

Police caught up with Cristal Campbell, 29, a few days later at a friend's apartment. Here's how Cristal pulled off her escape. she announced during a hearing on identity-fraud charges that she was about to have a baby. A puddle of liquid formed at her feet, convincing paramedics that a baby was on the way. They rushed her to a hospital, where she slipped out of her room. Authorities believe Campbell simply urinated to fool officials. It gets better... she was caught a little later but she escaped from her hospital room a second time!
Back to the Top

TEXAS - What defendant wouldn't feel a little intimidated when the trial judge begins to clean his guns at the bench? During a public reprimand Thursday, the State Commission on Judicial Conduct stated that visiting state District Judge Lon Harper "failed to act in a dignified manner" when he unsheathed two Colt Model 1873 revolvers, took them apart and wiped them clean during jury selection in a 1999 trial. Harper, who lost his judicial seat in a 1998 election but occasionally presides over cases as a visiting judge, told the commission he thought nobody saw him cleaning the guns and that it did not interfere with court proceedings. "I guess I won't do any more handgun repair on the bench," he concluded.
Back to the Top

URBAN SURVIVAL SYNDROME - A fear that inner-city residents have of other people in their same area. Used in a case where a black 18-year-old shot two blacks in a Fort Worth parking lot in 1993.

THE TWINKIE DEFENSE - High sugar levels caused by too much junk food consumption compounded by manic depression. Defense used by Dan White to explain why he killed city mayor George Moscone and gay board member Harvey Milk.

BLACK RAGE - A type of insanity caused by prolonged racial prejudice in the United States. Used to defend Colin Ferguson, who is black, for killing four whites and two Asian-Americans on a Long Island Railroad train.

ANAL RETENTIVENESS - When highly ambitious, hypercritical people cannot relax and don't trust others to do work assigned to them. Considered to be a defense for professionals that fail to file their income taxes on time.

BILLINGS, Montana - A man after spending two years in prison for bank robbery filed an appeal for wrongful imprisonment. He claimed innocence even though his partner in crime clearly identified him. He had a unique defense which proved fatal to his cause. Transcripts of the appeal revealed a clever, if unconvincing argument. He thought that the tellers could not have possibly identified him correctly. Among his more unforgettable quotes were, "How could the people in the bank have identified me? I had a mask on when I did the job." His appeal was denied.

In 1996, a Californian judge ruled against James Pflugradt's estate and in favor of the deceased's former landlord. The judge allowed the landlord to keep Pflugradt's $825 security deposit because he died without giving 30 days notice.

Troy Matthew Gentzler confessed to tossing rocks at cars from an overpass on Interstate 83 near York, Pennsylvania. But his lawyer claimed he was the victim of "Roid rage," erratic emotional swings caused by steroid use.

In October 1996, Charles S. Shapiro begged the Montgomery County, Maryland, court to allow him to change his plea to not guilty of hiring a hit man. He claimed his judgment had been impaired because he had ingested tranquilizers along with a bottle of Tums before confessing.

A Saint Louis, Missouri, man argued that the reason the jury found him guilty of stealing court documents wasn't that it had been prejudiced against him. The man claimed he was demonized because the judge allowed the jury to learn he was a lawyer.
         
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WINNIPEG, Canada - Didn't your mother ever tell you not to jingle your pocket change while strolling through the ghetto? That's exactly the type of response a Canadian mugging victim received from Judge Charles Rubin. The 46-year-old Winnipeg resident was chastised by Judge Rubin for being a "stupid civilian, who admits that he was stupid," after two men approached him late one night. One of the men snatched the victim's money right out of his hand. Judge Rubin compared walking around in a bad neighborhood with money in your hand to "walking in the wolf enclosure at the city zoo with a pound of ground beef in your hand." The victim responded to the Judge's comments, saying that he was "insulted." The prosecutor is considering an appeal.
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AKRON, OH - According to 44-year-old Karen Kershaw of Akron, the price of a used truck is $600 cash plus two sexual favors and four cartons of cigarettes (yes, cigarettes). These were the amounts to be paid to Rick Remmy, 39, only in the end she didn't get the truck.

Now they're in Small Claims Court, where Karen wants her money back. A handwritten agreement outlined the values to be assigned to each item or act and bore what appeared to be Remmy's name at the bottom. Kershaw is asking for her money back and $14,700 in punitive damages because of the embarrassment she has suffered in having to file the lawsuit. A Municipal Judge is expected to rule in the next week whether the "contract" is legitimate and whether Kershaw should be tried for prostitution.
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A man in Tarritville, Connecticut, filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator which read: "I have gone to the bridge club. There'll be a recipe for your dinner at 7 o'clock on Channel 2

A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because she "beat him whenever he removed onions from his hamburger without asking for permission."

A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina, filed for divorce because his wife "was always nagging him in sign language."

A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her husband because he forced her to "duck under the dashboard whenever they drove past his girlfriend's house."

A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband on the grounds that he "stayed home too much and was much too affectionate."
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BERLIN, Germany -  What do you do if the spark goes out of your marriage? After being married 69 years, Heidi Berger decided to call it quits from her husband Hans. In papers filed in court, Heidi cited a lack of sex for grounds for divorcing. Heidi is 100 and Hans is 101.
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FRANCE - According to the major of the small French Riviera resort town of Le Lavandou, it is forbidden to anyone who does not have a burial plot to die within town limits. Major Gil Bernardi reported that he knows that this is such a strange request but says "it's no less absurd than the court order which banned us from building a new cemetery on the grounds that the seaside terrain where we want to build comes under rules protecting the environment." Bernardi concluded by saying, "I issued the decree yesterday hoping for official attention. No one has died since then and I hope it stays that way."
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"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."

The Judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"

The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"
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