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The judge asked the defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."
From out in the gallery, a man shouts, "Lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!" the Judge says to the man who shouted. He turns to be defendant and says, "you are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel"
"Tightwad" the same man in the gallery blurted out
"I said QUIET!" yelled the judge. To the defendant, "you are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You jackass!" the man from the gallery yelled.
The judge thundered at the man in the galley: "If you don't tell me right now the reasons for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!"
man answered back, "I've lived beside that man for ten years now,
but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?!"
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this... _ / \ | | O \ _ / and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?"(to the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) _ / \ O | | \ _ / I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison ..."
The three-time felon felt a wave of panic come over him as he surveyed the jury in the courthouse. Positive he'd never beat the murder rap, he managed to get hold of one of the kinder looking jurors, and bribe her with his life savings to go for a manslaughter verdict.
Sure enough, at the close of the trial the jury declared him guilty of manslaughter. Tears of gratitude welling up in his eyes, the young man had a moment with the juror before being led off to prison. "Thank you, thank you - how'd you do it?"
wasn't easy," she admitted. "They all wanted to acquit you."
A Machete Juggler Gets Pulled Over
A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
"Well, show me," the officer requested.
So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Another car passed
by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to
give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."
An Elderly Woman Takes the Stand
A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the
judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the
bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of
you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:
"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."
The lawyer concluded,
"And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought
that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"
Entering Into a Contract for Sex
evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down
the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young
lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked,
"I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."
Katz, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges. When they arrived
in court on the appointed day, no one was there, so instead of wasting
time waiting around they decided to try each other. Motioning Tyler to
the stand, Katz said, "How do you plead?"
His Indecent Exposure Arrest
At the height of a
political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.
"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand
dollars to compromise this case?"
How to Get Out of a Speeding Ticket
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver:I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer:May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver:It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer:The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer:There's a gun in the glove box? Driver:Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer:There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver:Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain:Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain:Who's car is this? Driver:It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. The driver owned the car.
Captain:Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver:No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain:I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too
A defendant was on
trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there
was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing
that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
Slowing Down or a Complete Stop?
This guy blows a stop sign and a cop sees it so he pulls him over. Cops says, "License and registration please."
Guy says, "For what?"
Cop says, "Well, sir you didn't stop at the sign."
Guy says, "I slowed down and no one was coming."
Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop, license and registration, PLEASE!"
The guy says, "What's the difference"
Officer says, "The difference is I wouldn't have pulled you over if you'd stopped."
Guys says, "I'll give you my license and registration if you can show me the difference between slowing down and stopping."
"Okay, I will" the cops says, "Get out of the car."
At this point the officer takes his billy club out of the holster and begins to brutally beat the you know what out of the guy.
As the man is screaming
and crying, the officer yells loudly " NOW SIR, WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO SLOW DOWN OR COME TO A COMPLETE STOP?!!!"
When You Collect Four, You Get a Bicycle
"What am I supposed
to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him
a speeding ticket.
Against Capital Punishment
Leon Shitferbrains Petitioning for a Name Change
"You say you're petitioning for a legal name change?"
Judge: "You say you're petitioning for a legal name change?"
Leon: "Yes, your honor."
Judge: (looking at petition) "I can see why, your name is Leon Shitferbrains, is it?"
Leon: "Yes, your honor."
Judge: "And what do you want to change your name to, Mr. Shitferbrains?"
The judge read the charges to Jethro's father, then asked, "Are you the defendant in this case?"
sir, your honor, sir," he replied, "I've got me a lawyer to
do the defendin'. I'm the one who done it."
I Want a Warrant for That Lawyer of Mine
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?"
your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay
his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
I Thought he Was Talking to You
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."