|
Lists, Lists and more
Lists II |
|
|
|
|
There's
a very amusing book out, titled:
750
Ways to Annoy People by W. Shaffer Fox. I met this very
amusing man and bought a copy of his book as an exmuss gift recently
-- and if you like these lists, you'll LOVE this book.
|
|
Don't miss
our original Lists Page
and our Third Lists Page
Very
short books
| |
1)
A Guide to Arab Democracies |
| |
2)
A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman |
| |
3)
Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean |
| |
4)
Career Opportunities for History Majors |
| |
5)
Contraception by Pope John Paul II |
| |
6)
Detroit: A Travel Guide |
| |
7)
Different Ways to Spell "Bob" |
| |
8)
Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches |
| |
9)
Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance |
| |
10)
George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names |
| |
11)
French Hospitality |
| |
12)
Bob Dole: The Wild Years |
| |
13)
Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette |
| |
14)
Mormon Divorce Lawyers |
| |
18)
America's Most Popular Lawyers |
| |
21)
The Amish Phone Book |
| |
22)
Al Gore: The Wild Years |
| |
23)
Easy UNIX |
| |
24)
Everything Men Know About Women |
| |
25)
Everything Women Know About Men |
| |
26)
How to Keep a Virgin from Following You Around Afterwards |
| |
27)
How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel |
| |
28)
One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA |
| |
29)
Staple Your Way to Success |
| |
30)
The Engineer's Guide to Fashion |
| |
31)
Jewish Sports Heroes |
Back
to the Top
Twelve
Things That Would Be Different if Microsoft Started Building Cars
| |
1.
A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that
year, instead of before it. |
| |
2.
Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you'd have to buy
a new car. |
| |
3.
Occasionally your car would die, for no apparent reason, and you'd
have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd accept this. |
| |
4.
You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought
a Car95 or CarNT. But then you'd be required to purchase extra seats. |
| |
5.
Apple Automotive would make a car that was powered by the sun, self-repairing,
twice as reliable, and three times as fast- but it would only run
on 10% of roads. |
| |
6.
The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning light would be replaced
by a single "General Car Fault" warning light. |
| |
7.
People would get excited about "new" features in Microsoft
Cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other
cars for years. |
| |
8.
We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas. |
| |
9.
The U.S. government would be getting subsidies from an automaker,
instead of giving them. |
| |
10.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. |
| |
11.
After you bought your flashy new Winfire 95 sports car and found you
couldn't drive it out of the showroom because it had square wheels,
they wouldn't tell you how to change to round ones until you had gone
home to fill out your new Winfire driver registration card. |
| |
12.
Having finally changed to round wheels and got on the road, one day
the round wheels fell off and the Microsoft Car Co. wanted you to
pay a big bag of money up front before they would take your phone
call to find out if wheel-falling-off problems were covered under
warranty. |
Back
to the Top
Top
Fifteen Signs your Webmaster is in a Cult
| |
15
Every link seems to take you to www.amway.com. |
| |
14
Repetition of same banner ads: Stoli, Mott's... Stoli, Mott's... |
| |
13
He brings twenty-three wives to the office Holiday Party. |
| |
12
Instead of counting up visitors, your site counts down days to the
apocalypse. |
| |
11
Suddenly your travel agency's site is featuring inter-planetary excursions
for comet watching and one-way tickets to Guyana. |
| |
10
His home page says "Best viewed from the Mothership." |
| |
9
Your website's "Hall of Fame" inductees required to do stint
handing out flowers at airport. |
| |
8
Your website is honored as the David Koresh Fan Club's "Site
of the Day." |
| |
7
She has 38 roommates, yet is oddly stress-free. |
| |
6
Insists that Sabbath actually begins when "X-files" ends. |
| |
5
Frequently mutters about the "Prophet Steve Jobs" returning
to rescue the true believers. |
| |
4
Not only does he understand Unix, he *IS* one. |
| |
3
Big "N" on your browser replaced by spinning head of Charles
Manson. |
| |
2
He only answers to the name, "Doe-bert." |
and the Number 1 Sign
Your Webmaster is in a Cult...
| |
1
Ugly clothes; insufficient diet; lack of sleep; goofy haircut; lives
in a mansion; has many followe... Hey, wait a minute! That's Bill
Gates!! |
Back
to the Top
Things
adults learn from kids
1 There
is no such thing as child-proofing your house
2 If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite
3 A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant
4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough
to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman
cape
5 It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20
by 20 foot room
6 Baseballs make marks on ceilings
7 You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on
8 When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit
9 A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
10 The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan
11 When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's
already too late
12 Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
13 A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36
year old man says they can only do it in the movies
14 A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day
15 If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it
does not leak - it explodes
16 A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house
4 inches deep
17 Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
18 Duplos will not
19 Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence
20 Super glue is forever
21 McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know
22 Ditto Tarzan
23 No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water
24 Pool filters do not like Jello
25 VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do
26 Garbage bags do not make good parachutes
27 Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving
28 You probably do not want to know what that odor is
29 Always look in the oven before you turn it on
30 Plastic toys do not like ovens
31 The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time
32 The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
33 It will however make cats dizzy
34 Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
35 Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry
36 A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life
(unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)
Back to the Top
How
things would be different if Microsoft Headquarters was in Alabama..
1.
Their #1 product would be "Microsoft Winders"
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle.
3. Occasionally you'd bring up a winder that was covered with a Hefty
bag and some duct tape.
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right", "Naw",
or "Git"instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel".
5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos.
6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse.
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk
redneck yelling "Freebird!" and "Roll Tide".
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders 95 theme song would
be "Sweet Home Alabama" followed by an introduction from Hank
Williams (Senior), Elvis Presley, and Paul "Bear" Bryant.
9. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt".
10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and
"Vishul D-".
11. Winders 95 Logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag.
12. Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".
13. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
14. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver.
15. "Well, the first thing you know ole Bill's a billionaire..."
16. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
17. Microsoft CEO: Billy-Bob (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates -- 18. Direct
link to the WWW (World Wide Wrestling) Home Page.
19. "Where's Waldo?" would be replaced with "Where's Elvis?".
Back to the Top
The
Top 15 Unforeseen Consequences of the "Millennium Bug"
| |
15
IRS demands a hundred years of interest from stunned taxpayers. |
| |
14
"99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" song gets stuck in infinite
loop. |
| |
13
At the stroke of midnight, Windows 99 turns back into DOS 1.0, the
Pentium V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding
a beautiful glass mouse. |
| |
12
Internet Movie Database now lists "1901: A Space Odyssey" |
| |
11
Residents of Indiana have to figure out if they're off by 999 years,
364 days and 23 hours, or 1000 years and one hour. |
| |
10
Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only 2 digits. |
| |
9
Mel Brooks's "2000 year old man" skit stops being funny....
Oops, too late. |
| |
8
Sales of Coca Cola jumps drastically after original cocaine-laden
formula becomes legal again. |
| |
7
Software engineers point out that since computers think it's almost
1900, we technically have to "party like it's 1899," which,
frankly, doesn't seem like much fun. |
| |
6
Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the "Gatesian"
calendar. |
| |
5
Jesus shows up late for His second coming, blames it on COBOL programmers. |
| |
4
Computers temporarily fooled into thinking Strom Thurmond is only
103. |
| |
3
First Top 5 List of the year? "Reasons No One Would Ever Assassinate
President McKinley". |
| |
2
Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly
takes home some octogenarians. |
and the Number 1 Unforeseen
Consequence of the "Millennium Bug"...
| |
1
Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe understaffing
of fast-food restaurants. |
Back
to the Top
10
Ways to prepare for Ski Season
This is to
remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to remind non-skiers
why they do not ski.
Ski season
is here! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared:
16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer
for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50
dollar bills to warm up.
15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head
before you go to bed each night.
13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.
11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your
ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend
you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed
ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into
you at high speed.
7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure
you are in the longest line.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle
fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm
and you're following an 18-wheeler.
4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast
your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into
your clothes.
3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them
off because you have to go to the bathroom.
2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's
time for the real thing!
Back
to the Top
The
top six reasons computers must be female:
| |
6.
As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
|
| |
5.
No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
|
| |
4.
Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for
future reference.
|
| |
3.
The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible
to everyone else.
|
| |
2.
The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative
as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly
not going to tell you".
|
| |
1.As
soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
of your paycheck on accessories for it.
|
Back
to the Top
The
top 10 Dr. Seuss Books rejected by his Publisher:
| |
10.
The Cat in the Microwave
|
| |
9.
Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
|
| |
8.
Your Colon Can Moo--Can You?
|
| |
7.
The Fox in Detox
|
| |
6.
The Grinch's Ten Inches
|
| |
5.
One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
|
| |
4.
Zippy the Gerbil
|
| |
3.
My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
|
| |
2.
Who Shat in the Hat?
|
| |
1.
Horton Hires a Ho
|
Back
to the Top
TOP
TEN TV SHOWS IN IRAQ
| |
1.
Husseinfeld |
| |
2.
Mad About Everything |
| |
3.
Allah McBeal |
| |
4.
Wheel of Fortune and Terror |
| |
5.
Achmed's Creek |
| |
6.
The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right |
| |
7.
Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest |
| |
8.
The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show |
| |
9.
Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs |
| |
10.
Suddenly Sanctions
|
Back
to the Top
26
Ways to Amuse Yourself
- Jam tiny
marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
- Use your
MasterCard to pay your Visa.
- Pop some
popcorn without putting the lid on.
- When someone
says, "Have a nice day" tell them you have other plans.
- Find out
what a frog in a blender really looks like.
- Forget
the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram.
- Make a
list of things of things that you've already done.
- Dance
naked in front of your pets.
- Put your
toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to preschool as if
nothing was wrong.
- Retaliate
for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman numerals.
- Tattoo
"out to lunch" on your forehead.
- Tape pictures
of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
- Leaf through
National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
- Go shopping.
Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
- Buy a
subscription to Sleezoid Weekly and send it to your boss' wife.
- Pay your
electric bill in pennies.
- Drive
to work in reverse.
- Relax
by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of the Flintstones during
that important finance meeting.
- Sit naked
on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
- Read the
dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
- Start
a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
- Bill your
doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.
- Write
a short story; using alphabet soup.
- Lie on
your back eating celery using your navel as a salt dipper.
- Stare
at people through the lines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
- Make up
a language and ask people for directions.
Back
to the Top
Top
15 Biblical Ways to Find a Wife.
| |
1.
Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head,
trim her nails and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
|
| |
(Deuteronomy
21:10-13)
|
| |
2.
Find a prostitute and marry her.
(Hosea 1:1-3)
|
| |
3.
Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
(Moses in Exodus 2:16-21)
|
| |
4.
Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
(Boaz in Ruth 4:5-10)
|
| |
5.
Go to a party and hide. When the woman comes out to dance, grab one
and carry her off to be your wife. (Benjamites in Judges 21:19-25)
|
| |
6.
Have God create a wife for you while you sleep.
(Adam in Genesis 2:19-24)
|
| |
7.
Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage.
Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven
years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's
right, 14 years of toil for Mrs. Right.
(Jacob in Genesis 29:15-30)
|
| |
8.
Cut 200 foreskins of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his
daughter for a wife.
(David in I Samuel 18:27)
|
| |
9.
Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely
find someone. It's all relative, of course.
(Cain in Genesis 4:16-17)
|
| |
10.
Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
(Xerxes in Esther 2:3-3)
|
| |
11.
Kill my husband and take HIS wife (prepare to lose 4 sons, though).
(David in 2 Samuel 11)
|
| |
12.
When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I
have seen a woman. Now get her for me as a wife." If your parents
question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She is the
one for me."
(Samson in Judges 14:1-3)
|
| |
13.
Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow.
(Onan-Genesis 39:8)
|
| |
14.
Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
(Solomon 1 Kings 11:1-3)
|
| |
15.
A wife?...not!!!
(Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:31-35)
|
Back
to the Top
The
Top 13 Reasons Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay
| |
13.
Fonzie: has an "office" in the men's room and always tells
guys to "sit on it." |
| |
12.
If you're drunk enough, "Homer Simpson" sounds kinda like
"homosexual." |
| |
11.
Popeye: Vegetarian. Bodybuilder. Dresses like one of the Village People.
"Girlfriend" has no visible breasts. You connect the dots,
Chester. |
| |
10.
Batman & Robin: They caress a bust, which reveals a pole that
they wrap themselves around and slide down which strips them of their
clothes and puts them in rubber suits and... Okay, maybe Falwell's
got something here. |
| |
9.
Alex Trebek: Lives with his mom and knows *way* too much about Broadway
Musicals and potpourri. |
| |
8.
"Shhhh, be vewy vewy wightous! I'm hunting a naked opewa-wuving
wabbit!" |
| |
7.
Will from "Will & Grace": Not because the character
is openly gay, but because if he were straight, he'd go by "Bill"
and smoke cigars. |
| |
6.
That Peter Jennings character on "ABC World News Tonight"
is thin, neat and obsessed with the sex life of a guy named Bill. |
| |
5.
Fred Flintstone & Barney Rubble: Fur house dresses? C'mon! |
| |
4.
Check the reruns closely: Woody lives up to his name whenever Norm
walks into the bar. |
| |
3.
The letters in "The Teletubbies" can be rearranged to read,
"He bites eel butt." |
| |
2.
"Dr. Quinn, Lesbian Woman" |
and the Number
1 Reason Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay...
| |
1.
David Hasselhoff: 147 episodes of "Baywatch" with nary an
erection. |
Back
to the Top
Top
Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
| |
10.
The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!! |
| |
9.
No thanks. Just sniffing. |
| |
8.
I'll be in the dressing room going blind. |
| |
7.
Mom will love this. |
| |
6.
Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys logo on it? |
| |
5.
No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here. |
| |
4.
Will you model this for me? |
| |
3.
Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that! |
| |
2.
45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
... And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out
loud in Victoria's secret: |
| |
1.
Does this come in children's sizes? |
Back
to the Top
Top
15 Jewish Country-Western Songs
1. "I Was One of the Chosen People ('Til She Chose
Somebody Else)"
2. "Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights"
3. "I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You? "
4. "My Rowdy Friend Elijah's Comin' Over Tonight"
5. "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament"
6. "Stand by Your Mensch"
7. "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes"
8. "I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breaking My Heart"
9. "My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt"
10. "That Shiksa Done Made off with My Heart Like a Goniff"
11. "The Second Time She Said 'Shalom', I Knew She Meant 'Goodbye'"
12. "You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin'"
13. "You've Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came
to Town"
14. "Why Don't We Get Drunk - We're Jews!"
15. "Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When
They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business
that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweated
Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything Now That You're
Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)
Back to the Top
Ten
Things That Would Be Different If The 12 Apostles Had Been Gay:
- The Last
Supper would have been brunch.
- The Beatitudes
would start, "Fabulous are they..."
- Jesus'
triumphant entry into Jerusalem screams for a production number, with
ostrich feather palm fronds and a large oyster shell instead of just
a donkey.
- The water
at the wedding feast of Canaan would not have been changed to wine,
but extra dry Bombay Sapphire martinis with a touch of Curacao for color.
- The temple
would not only have been cleansed of moneychangers, but redecorated
as well.
- Mary's
hair would have been Flawless.
- The Gospels
would be Mathew, Mark, Lance, and Bruce.
- Priests
would have torrid affairs with altar boys... wait.... Never mind.
- Jesus
would never wear white after Labor Day.
- The Sermon
on the Mount would have been a musical.
Back
to the Top
The
Top 13 Indications Your Family May be Dysfunctional
13. No more sunny breakfast nook, now the kitchen is a
methamphetamine lab.
12. Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.
11. Your mother and your pre-teen sister always fighting over the last
beer.
10. In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.
9. Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.
8. Local police save money by making your house a precinct substation.
7. Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.
6. Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your cellmate anymore.
5. You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for each of Mom's personalities.
4. Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down."
3. Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from
Penthouse Forum.
2. Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.
and the Number
1 Indication Your Family May be Dysfunctional...
1. New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.
Back to the Top
Top
10 Things that sound Dirty at Thanksgiving but aren't
submitted by W. Dotson
| |
10.
"Talk about a huge breast!" |
| |
9.
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?" |
| |
8.
"Don't play with your meat." |
| |
7.
"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in." |
| |
6.
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!" |
| |
5.
"You still have a little bit on your chin." |
| |
4.
"How long will it take after you stick it in?" |
| |
3.
"You'll know it's ready when it pops up." |
| |
2.
"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!" |
| |
1.
"How long do I beat it before it's ready?" |
Back
to the Top
Top
10 Reasons Hanukkah is better than Christmas
10. There's no "Donny
& Marie Hanukkah Special".
9. Eight days of presents
(in theory, anyway).
8. No need to clean
the chimney.
7. There's no latke-nog.
6. Burl Ives doesn't
sing Hanukkah songs.
5. You won't be pressured
to buy Hanukkah Seals.
4. You won't see,
"You're a Putz, Charlie Brown."
3. No barking dog
version of "I had a Little Driedl."
2. No pine needles
to vacuum up afterwards.
and the Number 1 reason
why Hanukkah is better than Christmas...
1. Blintzes
are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.
Back to the Top
7
Things you Won't Hear a Man Say:
1. I'd like to take
you out on a date but your tits are just too big.
2. Here honey, you
use the remote for a while.
3. While I'm up, can
I get you anything?
4. Sex isn't important.
Sometimes, I just want to be held.
5. We never talk anymore.
6. Hey, let me hold
your purse while you try that on.
7. I'm sick
of blowjobs. How about if I just try to satisfy you for an hour?
Back to the Top
Top
40 Things You'll Never Hear A Redneck Say
40. Oh I
just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll
take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct
tape won't fix that.
37. Honey,
I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come
to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't
keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody
seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't
feed that to the dog.
32. I thought
Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids
in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's
fake.
29. Honey,
did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're
vegetarians.
27. Do you
think my gut is too big?
26. I'll
have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey,
we don't need another dog.
24. Who cares
who won the Civil War?
23. Give
me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many
deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spitting
is such a nasty habit.
20. I just
couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim
the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino
tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires
on that truck are too big.
16. I'll
have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've
got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened
tea tastes better.
13. Would
you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiance,
Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've
got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little
Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's
too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the
salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's
an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't
have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure
to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
2. Those
shorts ought to be a little longer, Darlin'.
1.
Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin’ tonight.
Back to the Top
30
Cruel Things to Say to a Naked Man
1.
I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2.
Ahhhh, it's cute.
3.
Why don't we just cuddle?
4.
You know they have surgery to fix that.
5.
Make it dance.
6.
Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7.
Wow, and your feet are so big.
8.
It's OK, we'll work around it.
9.
Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10.
Oh no... a flash headache.
11.
(giggle and point)
12.
Can I be honest with you?
13.
How sweet, you brought incense.
14.
This explains your car.
15.
Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16.
Why is God punishing me?
17.
At least this won't take long.
18.
I never saw one like that before.
19.
But it still works, right?
20.
It looks so unused.
21.
Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22.
Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23.
Are you cold?
24.
If you get me real drunk first.
25.
Is that an optical illusion?
26.
What is that?
27.
It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28.
Does it come with an air pump?
29.
So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30.
I guess this makes me the early bird.
Back to the Top
25
Ways to Tell You're from NW Pennsylvania
1. You've never
met any celebrities
2. Your idea
of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway
3. "Vacation"
means driving through Cook's Forest or going to Waldameer
4. You've
seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.
5. You measure
distance in minutes
6. Down south
to you means West Virginia
7. You know
several people who have hit a deer
8. You have
no problem spelling or pronouncing "Presque Isle"
9. Your school
classes were cancelled because of cold
10. You've
ridden the school bus for an hour each way
11. You've
ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same
day
12. You think
ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."
13. You know
what's knee-high by the Fourth of July
14. You see
people wear bib overalls at funerals.
15. You see
a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter
what time of the year.
16. You end
your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's
my coat at?" or "If you go to the mall I wanna go with."
17. All the
festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, or grain
De-tassling was your first job
18. Your
idea of a really great tenderloin is when the meat is twice as big as
the bun and accompanied only by ketchup and a dill pickle slice
19. You install
security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked
20. You think
of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with
marshmallows
21. When
asked how your trip was to any foreign, exotic place, you say,"It
was different."
22. You consider
being called a "Pork Queen" an honor
23. You carry
jumper cables in your car
24. You drink
"pop"
25.
You know what "cow tipping" is
Back to the Top
12
More things you'll never hear a man say
1. I know you just
blew me, but I need a kiss.
2. I'm sick of beer,
give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
3. Great, your mother's
coming to stay with us again.
4. I wonder if my
gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready
for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
5. No way, you weeded
the garden last week. It's my turn.
6. Better get ride
of these old Penthouse magazines, I don't look at them anymore.
7. I understand.
8. This movie has
too much nudity.
9. Damn, we're late
for church.
10. No. I don't want
to see your sister's tits.
11. Damn these onions,
pass me a tissue.
12. Put some
panties on, for Christ's sake!
Back to the Top
10
Ways to Tell You're in for a Bad Day
You Know You're in
for a Bad Day When...
1) You wake up - face
down on the pavement.
2) You call Suicide
Prevention and they put you on hold.
3) You see a "60
minutes" news team waiting for you in your office.
4) Your twin sister
forgets your birthday.
5) You wake up and
discover your waterbed broke and then you realize you don't have a waterbed.
6) Your car horn goes
off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hells Angels
on the freeway.
7) Your boss tells
you to not bother taking off your coat.
8) The bird singing
outside your window is a buzzard.
9) You call your answering
service and they tell you it's none of your business.
10) Your
blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
Back to the Top
Top
10 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO
#10. Your annual breast
exam is conducted at Hooters.
#9. Directions to
your doctor's office include "take a left when you enter the trailer
park."
#8. The tongue depressors
taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
#7. The only proctologist
in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter
#6. The only item
listed under Preventive Care coverage is "an apple a day."
#5. Your "primary
care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
#4. "The patient
is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
#3. The only expense
covered 100% is embalming.
#2. With your last
HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little "m"s
on them.
And the Number 1 Sign
You've Joined a Cheap HMO .
#1. You ask
for Viagra; you get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
Back to the Top
Top
10 Signs Your Son is Too Old to Breast Feed
10. He can open your
blouse by himself.
9. While suckling
at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed
a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping
dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk
as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control
pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding,
he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites
his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable
urge to listen to "Dueling Banjos."
1. Beard abrasions
on areola.
Back to the Top
Top
10 Hillary Clinton Slogans for the US Senate
10. "If You Slept
With My Husband, The Least You Can Do Is Vote For Me"
9. "I'll Try
Not To Misplace Or Shred Important Pieces of Legislation"
8. "Endorsed
by the Ex-Mrs. Rudy Giuliani"
7. "I've Loved
Every One Of The 17 Days I've Spent Here In New York"
6. "Because No
Clinton Has Ever Disgraced the Office Of Senator"
5. "Of The Two
Insane, Power-Hungry Candidates, I'm Better At Pretending To Be Nice"
4. "Solemnly
Swears Never to Allow an Intern to Suck Her ****."
3. "Never Indicted
... Knock On Wood!"
2. "I Can Run
New York -- Hell, I Ran The Whole Country"
1. "Wait Until
You See The Scandals I'm Planning!"
Back to the Top
Top
10 Reasons John McCain Endorsed Bush
10. Because people
who don't endorse Bush often end up in the Texas electric chair
9. Trying to set record
for "endorsing most dumb rich white guys"
8. Bush hinted might
be able to bring back "Murder, She Wrote"
7. Bush has videotape
of McCain doing lines with him in 80s
6. Figured, "What's
the difference -- Gore's gonna whip his ass like a stubborn mule anyway
come November"
5. The skip in his
step, the twinkle in the eye ... c'mon, the man's in love!
4. Bush vowed to brush
up on foreign leaders, like that French what's-his-face guy.
3. Four horrendous
years with Bush equals President McCain in 2004
2. Very persuasive
argument presented by Bush's drug kingpin friends.
1. Tired of Bush calling
in middle of night screaming, "Pleeeeease!"
Back to the Top
Top
10 Questions on the Bush Running Mate Application
10. "Have you
ever been president? Because that would, like, really help."
9. "Do you party?"
(If "No" -- skip rest of questions)
8. "Do you have
ideas for tax plans and stuff that I could copy from?"
7. "How many
lines per minute can you do?"
6. "Are you stupid?
We can't have two stupid people on the ticket"
5. "Will you
be able to assume the presidency if Mr. Bush is really, really hungover?"
4. "We already
have a 'uniter' on the ticket, so how are your 'separating and dividing'
skills?"
3. "You're not
a narc, are you?"
2. "I tiped this
kweschun miself! Kan u tel?"
1. "Dude,
do you know the proper way to tap a keg?"
Back to the Top
15
Inspirational Posters We'd Like to See
1. Rome
did not create a great empire by having meetings... they did it by killing
everyone who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably
haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG
fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. Plagiarism saves time.
7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
8. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
9. The layoffs will continue until morale improves.
10. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in
large groups.
11. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
12. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent
slacker.
13. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
14. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
15. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
Back to the Top
Top
10 Campaign Slogans for 2000
The Presidential election
is finally starting to roll, but we've all heard the same promises and
slogans before. So the Shagmail staff has come up with the Top Ten campaign
slogans they would like to hear during Election 2000:
10. George W. Bush.
At least I'm not Orrin Hatch.
9. George and his Dick can accomplish anything.
8. Gore/Lieberman - Marge Schott is our Press Secretary.
7. Gore/Lieberman - The Kosher Campaign.
6. Gore/Lieberman - We'll Buy Your Vote, But We Don't Pay Retail.
5. Young Lesbian Republicans Want Bush.
4. Bush/Cheney - We Don't Smoke Cigars.
3. Gore 2000 - If I can invent the Internet, imagine what I can do for
the economy.
2. Ross Perot - Bet You Wish I Was Around Now, Don't Ya?
And the number 1 campaign
slogan we'd like to hear:
1. Interns
don't do Dick.
Back to the Top
Top
10 Changes With Lieberman as V.P.
10)Air Force
One to be renamed - "El Al Gore.".
9) Tipper to be referred to as "The First Shiksa."
8) Saturday Night State Dinners to be replaced by Sunday Night Chinese.
7) Inauguration to be completed with Breaking of Glass.
6) Problem: Presidential Baldness Solution: Presidential Yarmulke!
5) Every time "Hail to the Chief" is played, Secret Servicemen
Lift Gore in Chair and Dance Around.
4) U.S. never to pay retail again for Nuclear Warheads.
3) Federal Employees To Have Saturdays off for Shabbat - but will have
to actually start working Monday - Friday.
2) Camp David relocated to Palm Beach.
1) In First Major Trade Agreement with India, New Delhi to be renamed
Carnegie
Delhi.
Back to the Top
Top
10 Things Freshmen Can Expect From Their 1st Year of College
10. Master the art
of binge drinking.
9. Learn from other students how to get the calling card Mom and Dad gave
you to cover 1-900 charges.
8. Grocery shopping on the change found in the sofa cushions.
7. A steady diet of macaroni & cheese, cereal and Fritos.
6. Quarters are the hottest commodity for laundry, vending machines and
drinking games.
5. Alcohol consumed is inversely proportional to grade point average.
4. Weekends start on Thursday.
3. Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.
2. You'll be able to stay up all night doing nothing and fall asleep in
class in two seconds.
And the number 1 things
college kids can expect their first year at school:
1. Hornier girls than
in high school.
Back to the Top
The
top 20 ways you know you're from Oklahoma
1. It doesn't bother
you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.
2. You have used the
phrase "fixin' to" during the last twelve months.
3. Someone you know
has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
4. You've ever been
excused from school because "the cows got out".
5. You can properly
pronounce Eufaula, Gotebo, Okemah and Chickasha.
6. You can remember
the name of the last state legislator to introduce a bill involving castration
and he didn't mean farm animals.
7. You know exactly
what calf fries are, and eat them anyway.
8. You can recall
hot summers by the year they happened easier than you can remember your
mother's birthday.
9. You think that
people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.
10. You know that
the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to
the door but by the availability of shade.
11. You have owned
at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist.
12. A bad traffic
jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each
determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.
13. You know in which
state Miam-uh is and in which state Miam-ee is.
14. Your "place
at the lake" has wheels under it
15. You aren't surprised
to find movie rental, ammunition and bait all in the same store.
16. A Mercedes Benz
is not a status symbol. A Ford F150 4x4 is.
17. You understand
the difference between 3.2 and 6 point and more than
once you've made a
beer run to another state.
18. You know that
everything goes better with Ranch.
19. You learned how
to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
20. A tornado warning
siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
Finally, you are 100%
Oklahoman if you have ever had this conversation:
"You
wanna Coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr. Pepper."
Back to the Top
|
