Lists, Lists and more Lists II

 

 

There's a very amusing book out, titled:
750 Ways to Annoy People by W. Shaffer Fox.  I met this very amusing man and bought a copy of his book as an exmuss gift recently -- and if you like these lists, you'll LOVE this book.

Don't miss our original Lists Page
and our Third Lists Page


 
Very short books
12 Things that would be different if Microsoft started building cars
Top Fifteen Signs your Webmaster is in a Cult
Things adults learn from kids
Top 6 Reasons Computers must be Female
The Top 13 Reasons Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay
Top 15 Jewish Country-Western Songs
Ten Things That Would Be Different If The 12 Apostles Had Been Gay
If Microsoft Headquarters was in Alabama..
Top 10 Reasons Hanukkah is better than Christmas
30 Cruel Things to Say to a Naked Man
10 Ways to Tell You're in for a Bad Day
Top 10 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO
Top 50 Uses for Silly Putty
Top 10 Hillary Clinton Slogans for the US Senate
Top 10 Questions on the Bush Running Mate Application
Top 10 Changes With Lieberman as V.P.
Top 20 ways you know you're from Oklahoma
The Top 15 Unforeseen Consequences of the "Millennium Bug"
16 Ways to prepare for Ski Season 12/15/2001

The top 10 Dr. Seuss Books rejected by his Publisher
Top 10 TV Shows in Iraq
26 Ways to Amuse Yourself
Top 15 Biblical Ways to Find a Wife
Top 10 Things Not to Say in Victoria's Secret
The Top 13 Indications Your Family May be Dysfunctional
Top 10 Things that sound Dirty at Thanksgiving but Aren't
7 Things you Won't Hear a Man Say
Top 40 Things You'll Never Hear A Redneck Say
25 Ways to Tell You're from NW Pennsylvania
12 More things you'll never hear a man say
Top 10 Signs Your Son is Too Old to Breast Feed
Top 10 Reasons John McCain Endorsed Bush
15 Inspirational Posters We'd Like to See
Top 10 Campaign Slogans for 2000
Top 10 Things Freshmen Can Expect From Their 1st Year of College


Very short books

  1) A Guide to Arab Democracies
  2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
  3) Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
  4) Career Opportunities for History Majors
  5) Contraception by Pope John Paul II
  6) Detroit: A Travel Guide
  7) Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
  8) Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
  9) Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
  10) George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
  11) French Hospitality
  12) Bob Dole: The Wild Years
  13) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
  14) Mormon Divorce Lawyers
  18) America's Most Popular Lawyers
  21) The Amish Phone Book
  22) Al Gore: The Wild Years
  23) Easy UNIX
  24) Everything Men Know About Women
  25) Everything Women Know About Men
  26) How to Keep a Virgin from Following You Around Afterwards
  27) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
  28) One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
  29) Staple Your Way to Success
  30) The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
  31) Jewish Sports Heroes

Back to the Top


Twelve Things That Would Be Different if Microsoft Started Building Cars

  1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before it.
  2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
  3. Occasionally your car would die, for no apparent reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd accept this.
  4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or CarNT. But then you'd be required to purchase extra seats.
  5. Apple Automotive would make a car that was powered by the sun, self-repairing, twice as reliable, and three times as fast- but it would only run on 10% of roads.
  6. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning light would be replaced by a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
  7. People would get excited about "new" features in Microsoft Cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.
  8. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
  9. The U.S. government would be getting subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.
  10. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
  11. After you bought your flashy new Winfire 95 sports car and found you couldn't drive it out of the showroom because it had square wheels, they wouldn't tell you how to change to round ones until you had gone home to fill out your new Winfire driver registration card.
  12. Having finally changed to round wheels and got on the road, one day the round wheels fell off and the Microsoft Car Co. wanted you to pay a big bag of money up front before they would take your phone call to find out if wheel-falling-off problems were covered under warranty.

Back to the Top


Top Fifteen Signs your Webmaster is in a Cult

  15 Every link seems to take you to www.amway.com.
  14 Repetition of same banner ads: Stoli, Mott's... Stoli, Mott's...
  13 He brings twenty-three wives to the office Holiday Party.
  12 Instead of counting up visitors, your site counts down days to the apocalypse.
  11 Suddenly your travel agency's site is featuring inter-planetary excursions for comet watching and one-way tickets to Guyana.
  10 His home page says "Best viewed from the Mothership."
  9 Your website's "Hall of Fame" inductees required to do stint handing out flowers at airport.
  8 Your website is honored as the David Koresh Fan Club's "Site of the Day."
  7 She has 38 roommates, yet is oddly stress-free.
  6 Insists that Sabbath actually begins when "X-files" ends.
  5 Frequently mutters about the "Prophet Steve Jobs" returning to rescue the true believers.
  4 Not only does he understand Unix, he *IS* one.
  3 Big "N" on your browser replaced by spinning head of Charles Manson.
  2 He only answers to the name, "Doe-bert."

and the Number 1 Sign Your Webmaster is in a Cult...

  1 Ugly clothes; insufficient diet; lack of sleep; goofy haircut; lives in a mansion; has many followe... Hey, wait a minute! That's Bill Gates!!

Back to the Top


Things adults learn from kids

1 There is no such thing as child-proofing your house
2 If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite
3 A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant
4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape
5 It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room
6 Baseballs make marks on ceilings
7 You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on
8 When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit
9 A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
10 The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan
11 When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late
12 Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
13 A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies
14 A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day
15 If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes
16 A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep
17 Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
18 Duplos will not
19 Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence
20 Super glue is forever
21 McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know
22 Ditto Tarzan
23 No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water
24 Pool filters do not like Jello
25 VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do
26 Garbage bags do not make good parachutes
27 Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving
28 You probably do not want to know what that odor is
29 Always look in the oven before you turn it on
30 Plastic toys do not like ovens
31 The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time
32 The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
33 It will however make cats dizzy
34 Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
35 Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry
36 A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life
(unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)

Back to the Top


How things would be different if Microsoft Headquarters was in Alabama..

1. Their #1 product would be "Microsoft Winders"
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle.
3. Occasionally you'd bring up a winder that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right", "Naw", or "Git"instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel".
5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos.
6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse.
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!" and "Roll Tide".
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders 95 theme song would be "Sweet Home Alabama" followed by an introduction from Hank Williams (Senior), Elvis Presley, and Paul "Bear" Bryant.
9. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt".
10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul D-".
11. Winders 95 Logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag.
12. Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".
13. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
14. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver.
15. "Well, the first thing you know ole Bill's a billionaire..."
16. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
17. Microsoft CEO: Billy-Bob (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates -- 18. Direct link to the WWW (World Wide Wrestling) Home Page.
19. "Where's Waldo?" would be replaced with "Where's Elvis?".

Back to the Top


The Top 15 Unforeseen Consequences of the "Millennium Bug"

  15 IRS demands a hundred years of interest from stunned taxpayers.
  14 "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" song gets stuck in infinite loop.
  13 At the stroke of midnight, Windows 99 turns back into DOS 1.0, the Pentium V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse.
  12 Internet Movie Database now lists "1901: A Space Odyssey"
  11 Residents of Indiana have to figure out if they're off by 999 years, 364 days and 23 hours, or 1000 years and one hour.
  10 Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only 2 digits.
  9 Mel Brooks's "2000 year old man" skit stops being funny.... Oops, too late.
  8 Sales of Coca Cola jumps drastically after original cocaine-laden formula becomes legal again.
  7 Software engineers point out that since computers think it's almost 1900, we technically have to "party like it's 1899," which, frankly, doesn't seem like much fun.
  6 Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the "Gatesian" calendar.
  5 Jesus shows up late for His second coming, blames it on COBOL programmers.
  4 Computers temporarily fooled into thinking Strom Thurmond is only 103.
  3 First Top 5 List of the year? "Reasons No One Would Ever Assassinate President McKinley".
  2 Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly takes home some octogenarians.

and the Number 1 Unforeseen Consequence of the "Millennium Bug"...

  1 Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe understaffing of fast-food restaurants.

Back to the Top


10 Ways to prepare for Ski Season

This is to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to remind non-skiers why they do not ski.

Ski season is here! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared:

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50
dollar bills to warm up.
 
15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
 
14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
 
13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
 
12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.
 
11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
 
9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
 
8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
 
7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
 
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
 
5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.
 
4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
 
3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
 
2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
 
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until  it's time for the real thing!

Back to the Top


The top six reasons computers must be female:

 
  6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
  5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
  4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
  3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
  2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
  1.As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

Back to the Top


The top 10 Dr. Seuss Books rejected by his Publisher:

 
  10. The Cat in the Microwave
  9. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
  8. Your Colon Can Moo--Can You?
  7. The Fox in Detox
  6. The Grinch's Ten Inches
  5. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
  4. Zippy the Gerbil
  3. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
  2. Who Shat in the Hat?
  1. Horton Hires a Ho

Back to the Top

 


TOP TEN TV SHOWS IN IRAQ

  1. Husseinfeld
  2. Mad About Everything
  3. Allah McBeal
  4. Wheel of Fortune and Terror
  5. Achmed's Creek
  6. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right
  7. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest
  8. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show
  9. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs
  10. Suddenly Sanctions

Back to the Top


26 Ways to Amuse Yourself

  1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
  2. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa.
  3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
  4. When someone says, "Have a nice day" tell them you have other plans.
  5. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
  6. Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram.
  7. Make a list of things of things that you've already done.
  8. Dance naked in front of your pets.
  9. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to preschool as if nothing was wrong.
  10. Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman numerals.
  11. Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.
  12. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
  13. Leaf through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
  14. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
  15. Buy a subscription to Sleezoid Weekly and send it to your boss' wife.
  16. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
  17. Drive to work in reverse.
  18. Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of the Flintstones during that important finance meeting.
  19. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
  20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
  21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
  22. Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.
  23. Write a short story; using alphabet soup.
  24. Lie on your back eating celery using your navel as a salt dipper.
  25. Stare at people through the lines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
  26. Make up a language and ask people for directions.

Back to the Top


Top 15 Biblical Ways to Find a Wife.

  1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
  (Deuteronomy 21:10-13)
  2. Find a prostitute and marry her.
(Hosea 1:1-3)
  3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
(Moses in Exodus 2:16-21)
  4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
(Boaz in Ruth 4:5-10)
  5. Go to a party and hide. When the woman comes out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. (Benjamites in Judges 21:19-25)
  6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep.
(Adam in Genesis 2:19-24)
  7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right, 14 years of toil for Mrs. Right.
(Jacob in Genesis 29:15-30)
  8. Cut 200 foreskins of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
(David in I Samuel 18:27)
  9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. It's all relative, of course.
(Cain in Genesis 4:16-17)
  10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
(Xerxes in Esther 2:3-3)
  11. Kill my husband and take HIS wife (prepare to lose 4 sons, though).
(David in 2 Samuel 11)
  12. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a woman. Now get her for me as a wife." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She is the one for me."
(Samson in Judges 14:1-3)
  13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow.
(Onan-Genesis 39:8)
  14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
(Solomon 1 Kings 11:1-3)
  15. A wife?...not!!!
(Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:31-35)

Back to the Top


The Top 13 Reasons Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay

  13. Fonzie: has an "office" in the men's room and always tells guys to "sit on it."
  12. If you're drunk enough, "Homer Simpson" sounds kinda like "homosexual."
  11. Popeye: Vegetarian. Bodybuilder. Dresses like one of the Village People. "Girlfriend" has no visible breasts. You connect the dots, Chester.
  10. Batman & Robin: They caress a bust, which reveals a pole that they wrap themselves around and slide down which strips them of their clothes and puts them in rubber suits and... Okay, maybe Falwell's got something here.
  9. Alex Trebek: Lives with his mom and knows *way* too much about Broadway Musicals and potpourri.
  8. "Shhhh, be vewy vewy wightous! I'm hunting a naked opewa-wuving wabbit!"
  7. Will from "Will & Grace": Not because the character is openly gay, but because if he were straight, he'd go by "Bill" and smoke cigars.
  6. That Peter Jennings character on "ABC World News Tonight" is thin, neat and obsessed with the sex life of a guy named Bill.
  5. Fred Flintstone & Barney Rubble: Fur house dresses? C'mon!
  4. Check the reruns closely: Woody lives up to his name whenever Norm walks into the bar.
  3. The letters in "The Teletubbies" can be rearranged to read, "He bites eel butt."
  2. "Dr. Quinn, Lesbian Woman"

and the Number 1 Reason Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay...

  1. David Hasselhoff: 147 episodes of "Baywatch" with nary an erection.

Back to the Top


Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T say out loud in Victoria's Secret:

  10. The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
  9. No thanks. Just sniffing.
  8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
  7. Mom will love this.
  6. Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys logo on it?
  5. No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.
  4. Will you model this for me?
  3. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
  2. 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
... And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's secret:
  1. Does this come in children's sizes?

Back to the Top


Top 15 Jewish Country-Western Songs


1. "I Was One of the Chosen People ('Til She Chose Somebody Else)"
2. "Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights"
3. "I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You? "
4. "My Rowdy Friend Elijah's Comin' Over Tonight"
5. "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament"
6. "Stand by Your Mensch"
7. "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes"
8. "I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breaking My Heart"
9. "My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt"
10. "That Shiksa Done Made off with My Heart Like a Goniff"
11. "The Second Time She Said 'Shalom', I Knew She Meant 'Goodbye'"
12. "You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin'"
13. "You've Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town"
14. "Why Don't We Get Drunk - We're Jews!"
15. "Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweated Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything Now That You're Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)
Back to the Top


Ten Things That Would Be Different If The 12 Apostles Had Been Gay:

  1. The Last Supper would have been brunch.
  2. The Beatitudes would start, "Fabulous are they..."
  3. Jesus' triumphant entry into Jerusalem screams for a production number, with ostrich feather palm fronds and a large oyster shell instead of just a donkey.
  4. The water at the wedding feast of Canaan would not have been changed to wine, but extra dry Bombay Sapphire martinis with a touch of Curacao for color.
  5. The temple would not only have been cleansed of moneychangers, but redecorated as well.
  6. Mary's hair would have been Flawless.
  7. The Gospels would be Mathew, Mark, Lance, and Bruce.
  8. Priests would have torrid affairs with altar boys... wait.... Never mind.
  9. Jesus would never wear white after Labor Day.
  10. The Sermon on the Mount would have been a musical.

Back to the Top


The Top 13 Indications Your Family May be Dysfunctional


13. No more sunny breakfast nook, now the kitchen is a methamphetamine lab.
12. Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.
11. Your mother and your pre-teen sister always fighting over the last beer.
10. In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.
9. Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.
8. Local police save money by making your house a precinct substation.
7. Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.
6. Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your cellmate anymore.
5. You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for each of Mom's personalities.
4. Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down."
3. Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum.
2. Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.

and the Number 1 Indication Your Family May be Dysfunctional...

1. New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.
Back to the Top


Top 10 Things that sound Dirty at Thanksgiving but aren't

submitted by W. Dotson

  10. "Talk about a huge breast!"
  9. "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
  8. "Don't play with your meat."
  7. "Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
  6. "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
  5. "You still have a little bit on your chin."
  4. "How long will it take after you stick it in?"
  3. "You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
  2. "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
  1. "How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

Back to the Top


Top 10 Reasons Hanukkah is better than Christmas

10. There's no "Donny & Marie Hanukkah Special".

9. Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway).

8. No need to clean the chimney.

7. There's no latke-nog.

6. Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs.

5. You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals.

4. You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown."

3. No barking dog version of "I had a Little Driedl."

2. No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.

and the Number 1 reason why Hanukkah is better than Christmas...

1. Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.
Back to the Top


7 Things you Won't Hear a Man Say:

1. I'd like to take you out on a date but your tits are just too big.

2. Here honey, you use the remote for a while.

3. While I'm up, can I get you anything?

4. Sex isn't important. Sometimes, I just want to be held.

5. We never talk anymore.

6. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.

7. I'm sick of blowjobs. How about if I just try to satisfy you for an hour?
Back to the Top


Top 40 Things You'll Never Hear A Redneck Say

40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.

39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

38. Duct tape won't fix that.

37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.

36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

35. We don't keep firearms in this house.

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You can't feed that to the dog.

32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

30. Wrestling's fake.

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. We're vegetarians.

27. Do you think my gut is too big?

26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

25. Honey, we don't need another dog.

24. Who cares who won the Civil War?

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.

18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

15. I've got it all on the C drive.

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

9. Checkmate.

8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

5. I don't have a favorite college team.

4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

3. You All.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darlin'.

1. Nope, no more for me. I'm driviní tonight.
Back to the Top


30 Cruel Things to Say to a Naked Man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahhhh, it's cute.

3. Why don't we just cuddle?

4. You know they have surgery to fix that.

5. Make it dance.

6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?

7. Wow, and your feet are so big.

8. It's OK, we'll work around it.

9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

10. Oh no... a flash headache.

11. (giggle and point)

12. Can I be honest with you?

13. How sweet, you brought incense.

14. This explains your car.

15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

16. Why is God punishing me?

17. At least this won't take long.

18. I never saw one like that before.

19. But it still works, right?

20. It looks so unused.

21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

23. Are you cold?

24. If you get me real drunk first.

25. Is that an optical illusion?

26. What is that?

27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

28. Does it come with an air pump?

29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

30. I guess this makes me the early bird.
Back to the Top


25 Ways to Tell You're from NW Pennsylvania

1. You've never met any celebrities

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway

3. "Vacation" means driving through Cook's Forest or going to Waldameer

4. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.

5. You measure distance in minutes

6. Down south to you means West Virginia

7. You know several people who have hit a deer

8. You have no problem spelling or pronouncing "Presque Isle"

9. Your school classes were cancelled because of cold

10. You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way

11. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day

12. You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."

13. You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July

14. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.

15. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year.

16. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?" or "If you go to the mall I wanna go with."

17. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, or grain De-tassling was your first job

18. Your idea of a really great tenderloin is when the meat is twice as big as the bun and accompanied only by ketchup and a dill pickle slice

19. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked

20. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows

21. When asked how your trip was to any foreign, exotic place, you say,"It was different."

22. You consider being called a "Pork Queen" an honor

23. You carry jumper cables in your car

24. You drink "pop"

25. You know what "cow tipping" is
Back to the Top


12 More things you'll never hear a man say

1. I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.

2. I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.

3. Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.

4. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.

5. No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.

6. Better get ride of these old Penthouse magazines, I don't look at them anymore.

7. I understand.

8. This movie has too much nudity.

9. Damn, we're late for church.

10. No. I don't want to see your sister's tits.

11. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.

12. Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!
Back to the Top


10 Ways to Tell You're in for a Bad Day

You Know You're in for a Bad Day When...

1) You wake up - face down on the pavement.

2) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

3) You see a "60 minutes" news team waiting for you in your office.

4) Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

5) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then you realize you don't have a waterbed.

6) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hells Angels on the freeway.

7) Your boss tells you to not bother taking off your coat.

8) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

9) You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.

10) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
Back to the Top


Top 10 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO

#10. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.

#9. Directions to your doctor's office include "take a left when you enter the trailer park."

#8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

#7. The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter

#6. The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "an apple a day."

#5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

#4. "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.

#3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

#2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little "m"s on them.

And the Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO .

#1. You ask for Viagra; you get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
Back to the Top


Top 10 Signs Your Son is Too Old to Breast Feed

10. He can open your blouse by himself.

9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.

8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.

7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.

6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.

5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.

4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.

3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.

2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to "Dueling Banjos."

1. Beard abrasions on areola.
Back to the Top


Top 10 Hillary Clinton Slogans for the US Senate

10. "If You Slept With My Husband, The Least You Can Do Is Vote For Me"

9. "I'll Try Not To Misplace Or Shred Important Pieces of Legislation"

8. "Endorsed by the Ex-Mrs. Rudy Giuliani"

7. "I've Loved Every One Of The 17 Days I've Spent Here In New York"

6. "Because No Clinton Has Ever Disgraced the Office Of Senator"

5. "Of The Two Insane, Power-Hungry Candidates, I'm Better At Pretending To Be Nice"

4. "Solemnly Swears Never to Allow an Intern to Suck Her ****."

3. "Never Indicted ... Knock On Wood!"

2. "I Can Run New York -- Hell, I Ran The Whole Country"

1. "Wait Until You See The Scandals I'm Planning!"
Back to the Top


Top 10 Reasons John McCain Endorsed Bush

10. Because people who don't endorse Bush often end up in the Texas electric chair

9. Trying to set record for "endorsing most dumb rich white guys"

8. Bush hinted might be able to bring back "Murder, She Wrote"

7. Bush has videotape of McCain doing lines with him in 80s

6. Figured, "What's the difference -- Gore's gonna whip his ass like a stubborn mule anyway come November"

5. The skip in his step, the twinkle in the eye ... c'mon, the man's in love!

4. Bush vowed to brush up on foreign leaders, like that French what's-his-face guy.

3. Four horrendous years with Bush equals President McCain in 2004

2. Very persuasive argument presented by Bush's drug kingpin friends.

1. Tired of Bush calling in middle of night screaming, "Pleeeeease!"
Back to the Top


Top 10 Questions on the Bush Running Mate Application

10. "Have you ever been president? Because that would, like, really help."

9. "Do you party?" (If "No" -- skip rest of questions)

8. "Do you have ideas for tax plans and stuff that I could copy from?"

7. "How many lines per minute can you do?"

6. "Are you stupid? We can't have two stupid people on the ticket"

5. "Will you be able to assume the presidency if Mr. Bush is really, really hungover?"

4. "We already have a 'uniter' on the ticket, so how are your 'separating and dividing' skills?"

3. "You're not a narc, are you?"

2. "I tiped this kweschun miself! Kan u tel?"

1. "Dude, do you know the proper way to tap a keg?"
Back to the Top


15 Inspirational Posters We'd Like to See

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings... they did it by killing everyone who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. Plagiarism saves time.
7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
8. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
9. The layoffs will continue until morale improves.
10. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in
large groups.
11. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
12. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an
incompetent slacker.
13. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
14. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
15. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Back to the Top


Top 10 Campaign Slogans for 2000

The Presidential election is finally starting to roll, but we've all heard the same promises and slogans before. So the Shagmail staff has come up with the Top Ten campaign slogans they would like to hear during Election 2000:

10. George W. Bush. At least I'm not Orrin Hatch.
9. George and his Dick can accomplish anything.
8. Gore/Lieberman - Marge Schott is our Press Secretary.
7. Gore/Lieberman - The Kosher Campaign.
6. Gore/Lieberman - We'll Buy Your Vote, But We Don't Pay Retail.
5. Young Lesbian Republicans Want Bush.
4. Bush/Cheney - We Don't Smoke Cigars.
3. Gore 2000 - If I can invent the Internet, imagine what I can do for the economy.
2. Ross Perot - Bet You Wish I Was Around Now, Don't Ya?

And the number 1 campaign slogan we'd like to hear:

1. Interns don't do Dick.
Back to the Top


Top 10 Changes With Lieberman as V.P.

10)Air Force One to be renamed - "El Al Gore.".
9) Tipper to be referred to as "The First Shiksa."
8) Saturday Night State Dinners to be replaced by Sunday Night Chinese.
7) Inauguration to be completed with Breaking of Glass.
6) Problem: Presidential Baldness Solution: Presidential Yarmulke!
5) Every time "Hail to the Chief" is played, Secret Servicemen Lift Gore in Chair and Dance Around.
4) U.S. never to pay retail again for Nuclear Warheads.
3) Federal Employees To Have Saturdays off for Shabbat - but will have to actually start working Monday - Friday.
2) Camp David relocated to Palm Beach.
1) In First Major Trade Agreement with India, New Delhi to be renamed
Carnegie Delhi.
Back to the Top


Top 10 Things Freshmen Can Expect From Their 1st Year of College

10. Master the art of binge drinking.
9. Learn from other students how to get the calling card Mom and Dad gave you to cover 1-900 charges.
8. Grocery shopping on the change found in the sofa cushions.
7. A steady diet of macaroni & cheese, cereal and Fritos.
6. Quarters are the hottest commodity for laundry, vending machines and drinking games.
5. Alcohol consumed is inversely proportional to grade point average.
4. Weekends start on Thursday.
3. Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.
2. You'll be able to stay up all night doing nothing and fall asleep in class in two seconds.

And the number 1 things college kids can expect their first year at school:

1. Hornier girls than in high school.
Back to the Top


The top 20 ways you know you're from Oklahoma

1. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.

2. You have used the phrase "fixin' to" during the last twelve months.

3. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.

4. You've ever been excused from school because "the cows got out".

5. You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Gotebo, Okemah and Chickasha.

6. You can remember the name of the last state legislator to introduce a bill involving castration and he didn't mean farm animals.

7. You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway.

8. You can recall hot summers by the year they happened easier than you can remember your mother's birthday.

9. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.

10. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door but by the availability of shade.

11. You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist.

12. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.

13. You know in which state Miam-uh is and in which state Miam-ee is.

14. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it

15. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition and bait all in the same store.

16. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F150 4x4 is.

17. You understand the difference between 3.2 and 6 point and more than

once you've made a beer run to another state.

18. You know that everything goes better with Ranch.

19. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

20. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.

Finally, you are 100% Oklahoman if you have ever had this conversation:

"You wanna Coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr. Pepper."

Back to the Top