Lists, Lists and more Lists III

 

 

There's a very amusing book out, titled:
750 Ways to Annoy People by W. Shaffer Fox.  I met this very amusing man and bought a copy of his book as an exmuss gift recently -- and if you like these lists, you'll LOVE this book.

Don't miss our original Lists Page 
And our second Lists Page


 
Fatal Things to Say When Your Wife's Pregnant 
Top 20 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped 
Top Ten Times the "F" Word was Appropriate 
Little Golden Books That Never Made It 
23 Essential Truths 
Top 13 Things PMS Stands For 
The Benefits of Growing Older 
Top 10 Reasons to go to Work Naked 
Top Ten Signs Your Coworker Is a Computer Hacker 
Last 10 Things Any Woman Would EVER Say 
Last 10 Things Any Man Would EVER Say 
Top Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards
Things You Don't Want to Hear at a Tattoo Parlor
Signs You Have Nothing to do at Work
Least-Known Facts About Saddam Hussein
Top 10 Places / Times Not to Get a Woody
Top Ten Reasons Oreos are Better Than Men
You Know You are Living in 2003 When...
10 Ways You Know Your Internet Connection Is Slow
15 Things to do at Wal Mart
Top Ten independent political parties we'd like to see 
Top Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much  
George W. Bush Lists
(on our 'dubbya' page)  
You Know It's Time To Go Home When... 
The Top 16 Favorite Movies of Jenna Bush 
Ways to Annoy Your Bathroom Stall-Mate 
Top Ten Black Plays Coming To A Theater Near You 
If Microsoft Was Jewish...  
Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines  
Top 10 Signs You're Broke After Christmas 
Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble
Top 10 WaysTo Get Rid of Jehovah's Witnesses
Top 10 Answers Men Would Like to Give
30 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say

Signs That You Really Are Going Bald
25 Signs You've Grown Up
Top Ten Amish Buggy Bumper Stickers
Comments Overheard in 1957
Top 20 Signs She's Bored Having Sex With You
Top Ten Signs it's Monday


Fatal Things to Say When Your Wife's Pregnant

1. I finished the Oreos.

2. Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.

3. Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!

4. I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!

5. Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.

6. Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.

7. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.

8. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!

9. I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?

10. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?

11. Get your *own* ice cream.

12. Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.

13. Got milk ?

14. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney?

15. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!

16. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...

17. Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!

18. You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...
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Top Ten independent political parties we'd like to see
...in the 2000 Presidential election.

10. The Crack Party... We're split down the middle.

9. The Mouth Party... And you're invited to cum.

9. The Gay/NRA Party... We're here, we're queer. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

7. The Pity Party... C'mon, we never win anything. Vote for us once, will ya?

6. The Private Party... No comment.

5. The Cocktail Party... Cock and Tail - does it get any better than this?

4. The Search Party... Looking for members.

3. The Keg Party... Dude, we could so totally run the country.

2. Non-partisan party... We believe in what you believe in.

And the number 1 independent political party we'd like to see:

1. The Beaver Party... Oh, forget it - we've already got Bush.
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Top Twenty Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped

20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows on your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

...And The Number One Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped.

1. Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis.
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Top Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much

10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break"
9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina
8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bring-down"
7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded
6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap
5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying, "Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts..."
4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts
3. You smoke during sex.
2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys"
1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung
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Top Ten Times the "F" Word was Appropriate

10) "What the *&%# was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima
9) "Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?" -- Custer
8) "Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein
7) "It does SO *&%#ing look like her!" -- Picasso
6) "How the *&%# did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras
5) "You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo
4) "I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain." -- Joan of Arc
3) "Scattered *&%#ing showers...my ass!" -- Noah
2) "I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!" --JFK
1) "Aw, c'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton
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Little Golden Books That Never Made It


1. You Are Different and That's Bad

2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

3. Dad's New Wife Robert

4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share

5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

9. All Cats Go to Hell

10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched

11. Some Kittens Can Fly

12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption

13. Grandpa Gets a Casket

14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

17. Strangers Have the Best Candy

18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

19. You Were an Accident

20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games

22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan

23. Your Nightmares Are Real

24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
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9 Ways You Can Tell Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease:
 
1 Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
2 Your cow thought Frank Bruno would beat Mike Tyson.
3 Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
4 She refuses to let you milk her, saying: "Not on a first date."
5 You catch your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
6 Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.
7 Your cow appears on Oprah and Jerry Springer, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.
8 Your cow is wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
9 Your cow quits the family dairy and applies for a job at Burger King.
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To All the Drunk Women: 20 Clues to Calling it a Night

You Know It's Time To Go Home When...

1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.

2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.

3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.

4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.

5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.

6. You start crying.

7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.

8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.

9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. You've forgotten where you live.

12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.

13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.

14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.

15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."

16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.

17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).

19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.

20. You start making-out with middle-eastern men on dance floors.

And another 20...

1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms over head and my butt wiggling while yelling woo-hoo! is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it, too.
4. In my last trip to "pee" I realized I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.
7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing)and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the button's open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the washroom away from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I can't walk straight.

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23 Essential Truths


1. A king size water-bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. A ceiling Fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) will not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it is too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke. Lots of smoke.

9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

22. It will however make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
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Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities

 1. Drink molasses 'til you heave
 2. Wet bonnet contest
 3. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy
 4. Buttermilk kegger
 5. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really rad Clydesdale
 6. Get a tattoo: "Born to raise barns"
 7. Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers
 8. Sleep 'til 6 AM
 9. Drive over to Allensville and kick some Mennonite rear
10. Churn butter naked

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Top 13 Things PMS Stands For

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make Me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
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The Top 16 Favorite Movies of Jenna Bush:

16. Rebel Without a Card

15. Austin Bars: The Guy Who Snagged Me

14. Bar Trek: The Next  Jennaration

13. Me, Myself and I.D.

12. The Little Barmaid

11. The Keg and I

10. 101 Libations

9. Bend Hurl

8. The Hunt for OctoberFest

7. License to Kill Your Dad's Chances of Re-Election

6. Drunk and Drunker

5. The Clodfather

4. 9 Weeks-of Community Service

3. Heaving Las Cervezas

2.Honey, I've Drunks for Kids!

and the Number 1 Favorite Movie of Jenna Bush...

1. You've Got Bail!
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Ways to Annoy Your Bathroom Stall-Mate

1. Stick your open palm under the stall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"

6. Say, "Damn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place, then and sigh loudly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

11. Say, "Interesting, more sinkers than floaters."

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall. Then say, "Whoops. Could you kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!"

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor, making it visible to the occupant of the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."


The Benefits of Growing Older

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
7. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
8. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
9. Things you buy now won't wear out.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
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Top Ten Black Plays Coming To A Theater Near You:

10 - Lord, Momma Done Burnt the Chicken Again
 9 - I Ain't Seen My Daddy Since the 80's: Tales from the Ghetto
 8 - Menace II Society 2: The Return of Kaine, Tupac, Biggie and introducing Big Pun
 7 - Momma, It's the 1st and the Check Ain't Here: A Ghetto Tragedy
 6 - A Tale of Two Baby Daddies
 5 - Momma, I'm Pregnant...Again!
 4 - Momma, It's the 15th and the Check Still Ain't Here: The Sequel to the Tragedy on the 1st
 3 - Lord, How Can I Keep My Lexus and Range Rover on A Secretary's Salary?
 2 - Lord, I Hate My Baby Momma: Starring Shawn Kemp and Bobby Brown and Headlining, O.J. Simpson

And the Number One Black Play coming to a theater near you is............

 1 - Who Drank All the Damn Kool-Aid: A Ghetto Mystery!
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Top 10 Reasons to go to Work Naked

10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives 'bad hair day' a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. 'I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants.'
3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

and the #1 reason to go to work naked...

1. Your boss will never say, 'I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!' ever again. 
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Top 10 Things You Don't Want To Hear From Tech Support 

10 "So...what are you wearing?" 
9 "Duuuuude! Bummer!" 
8 "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n." 
7 "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC." 
6 "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery." 
5 "I'm sorry Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that." 
4 "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect." 
3 "Hold on a second...Mom! Timmy's hitting me!" 
2 "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics." 
1 "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."

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Top Ten Signs Your Coworker Is a Computer Hacker 

10 Everyone who ticks him off gets a $26,000 phone bill. 
9 She's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running. 
8 When asked for her phone number, she gives it in hex. 
7 Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down. 
6 Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work. 
5 Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez!" 295 times during the movie The Net. 
4 Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments. 
3 His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons. 
2 Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr. President." 
1 You hear her murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa now, Professor I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"
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Top 10 Reasons Beer is Better Than Religion

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer. 
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex. 
8. Beer has never caused a major war. 
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves. 
6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away. 
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer. 
4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer. 
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you. 
2. You can prove you have a Beer. 
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.
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Last 10 Things Any Woman Would EVER Say

10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends 
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way 
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy 
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one 
6. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute 
5. This diamond is way too big 
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow 
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches! 
2. Does this make my butt look to small? 
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again
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Last 10 Things Any Man Would EVER Say

10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker 
9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer? 
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy 
7. Her tits are just too big 
6. Sometimes I just want to be held 
5. That chick on "Murder She Wrote" gives me a woody 
4. Sure I'd love to wear a condom 
3. We haven't been to the mall for ages, lets go shopping and I can hold your purse 
2. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown 
1. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions.
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12 Lines to Get Out of Jury Duty 

1. I can tell if people are guilty just by looking at them. 
2. I am really attracted to you, Your Honor. 
3. If a police officer told me I was a bug, I'd believe him 
4. I think laws are for sissies. 
5. Would I have to bathe? 
6. Can each of my personalities vote in the deliberation? 
7. My religion specifically prohibits me from sitting near other people. 
8. Your marshall's handcuffs are turning me on. 
9. A pit bull named [defendant's first name] just killed my baby. 
10. I have Tourette's syndrome, you %&#@&%@ %#@&#$%. 
11. I get dizzy if I try to weigh evidence. 
12. An eye for an eye. I say we take his head for an eye (point at defendant).
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Top 15 Indications You're Having a Bad Hair Day

15. A horrified Don King offers you his comb.
14. Like magic, your ponytail stays in place with no rubber band.
13. Head lice have formed a tenant's union and are demanding renovations.
12. Sparrows divebomb your head territorially.
11. During lunch hour, your hair robs a nearby convenience store.
10. Your hair gets caught in the vacuum cleaner and the ceiling fan -- simultaneously.
9. Thumbs up from Dennis Rodman at last night's Bulls game.
8. You're selected as the next male cast member of "Friends."
7. Your date can't quite decide which one of the Little Rascals you resemble the most.
6. Rod Stewart, Lyle Lovett and Michael Bolton over at the next table pointing and laughing their asses off.
5. An hour before the square dance, and there's not an ounce of bacon fat to be found!
4. Three cans of hairspray and you *still* look like the flying nun.
3. To get to your office from the parking lot, you have to tack into the wind three times.
2. Someone mistakes your silhouette for Patti Labelle holding an umbrella.

and the Number One Indication You're Having a Bad Hair Day...

1. You spend the whole day fending off the advances of Ted Koppel's wife.
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If Microsoft Was Jewish...

 1. Instead of getting a "general protection fault" error, your PC would get "verklempt".

 2. "Year 2000" issues are replace by "year 5760-5761" issues.

 3. Hanukkah screen savers will have "flying dreidels".

 4. Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

 5. After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 48 hours.

 6. Your "start" button would be replaced with a "let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.

 7. "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already - you're killing me.  You vant I should try again? I didn't hear that!".

 8. When disconnecting external devices from the back of the PC, you would be instructed to "remove the cable from the PC's tucas".

 9. Internet Explorer would have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.

10. You would hear the tune "Halva Nagila" during startup.

11. When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant I should fix this?" message.

12. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud "OY!"
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Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines

 1. "I'm down here."
 2. Just because I've got bells on my shoes, doesn't mean I'm a sissy.
 3. I was once a lawn ornament for NSYNC.  Want to meet them?
 4. I can get you off Santa's naughty list.
 5. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys.
 6. I'm a magical being. Can I try to make your top and bra disappear?
 7. No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler.
 8. Get an eyedropper of tequila in me and I turn into a little wild man.
 9. You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.
10. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners!
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Top 10 Signs You're Broke After Christmas

1. American Express calls and says; "Definitely leave home without it."
2. Your idea of a 7 course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
3. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
4. You give blood everyday, just for the orange juice.
5. You finally clean your house, hoping to find loose change.
6. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
7. Sally Struthers sends you food.
8. You go back for seconds at communion.
9. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
10. You rob Peter and then you rob Paul.
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Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my car. GO CRAZY!

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. Here's $100.

1. What do I want for Father's day? Aahh -- don't worry about that. It's no big deal.
 
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Top Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk,
    But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

 9. Our love will never become cold and hollow,
    Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

 8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store,
    In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

 7. This feels so good, it feels so right,
    I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

 6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class,
    Especially when I'm spanking, your big-fat ass.

 5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished,
    But now I'm fulfilled, SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!

 4. Through all the things that came to pass,
    Our love has grown, but so has your ass!

 3. You're a honey, and you're a cutie
    I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

 2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny,
    So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

 1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
    You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

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Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!"
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

...and the number one sign your Amish teen is in trouble...
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards!

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Top 10 WaysTo Get Rid of Jehovah's Witnesses

1. Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry (immediate results).

2. Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their spirit of charity lasts.

3. Answer every one of their questions with: "What do you mean by that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them to get flustered and leave.

4. Ask them to reconcile Revelation 1 and 22 for the "Alpha & Omega's" identity (Jesus or God), repeat constantly. You may have to resort to another method to actually get rid of them, but this will definitely make them sweat.

5. Excuse yourself from your living room (or wherever)... and don't come back.

6. Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls (bookie, order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a tearful confession to the police for the murder of the last Witnesses who visited you.)

7. Pick an oft-repeated word in their lexicon (God, Jesus, heaven, it, the etc.) and giggle whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones, and giggle again.

8. Same as #7, except say "beep" instead of giggling.

9. (Males only) Feign an intense interest in their spiel. Part way through, begin putting on make-up, hosiery, a dress, the whole nine yards. Make encouraging noises (uh huh, I see...) throughout, and if they ask you what you're doing, pull a # 7. If they're still there when you are done, Ask them if they would please kindly leave as you have a hot date in ten minutes.

10. Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.
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Things You Don't Want to Hear at a Tattoo Parlor

"Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."

"We're all out of red, so I used pink."

"There are 2 Os in Bob, right?"

"Sorry, sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy."

"That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Sweetie."

"I HATE it when I get the hiccups."

"Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here."

"I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before."

"The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect."
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Top 10 Answers Men Would Like to Give
(To Women's Stupid Questions... but never will)

10. No, we can't be friends, I just want to use you for sex.
9. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all the fucking ice-cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.
8. You've got shit chance of me calling you.
7. No, I won't be gentle.
6. Of course you have to swallow.
5. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.
4. I hate your fucking friends.
3. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.
2. I'd rather watch a stick movie
1. Eat it? It took me 20 beers to get up the courage to fuck it.
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30 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say

1. I just love how Barry Manilow sings, don't you?
2. No, I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
3. You know, her breasts are just too big for my liking.
4. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. Boy, that Barbara Walters on "20/20" is one sexy babe.
6. Sure, honey! I'd be happy to discuss the state of our relationship.
7. We haven't been to the mall for ages. Let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
8. Forget Monday Night Football. Let's watch something meaningful on the "Lifetime Channel."
9. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
10. Honey, I'm going to the store. Do you need more tampons?
11. Actually, I prefer it when *you* hold the remote.
12. I'm sick of beer. Give me a fruit juice.
13. Great! Your mother's coming to stay with us again.
14. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
15. No way. You weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
16. Better get rid of these old Playboy magazines. I don't look at them any more.
17. I understand.
18. This movie has way too much gratuitous nudity.
19. Damn, we're late for church!
20. No! I don't want to see your sister's breasts.
21. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
22. Put some panties on, for Pete's sake.
23. Eat something! You are starting to look like a Victoria's Secret Model!
24. Don't pick that up, I got it.
25. Happy Anniversary!
26. Hey, isn't today your Mother's birthday?
27. Let's talk. I miss talking.
28. Gay men have rights too!
29. I am just too tired to have sex again today!
30. Are you losing weight, sweetie?
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Signs You Have Nothing to do at Work

1. You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2002

2. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

3. You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.

4. You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.

5. People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.

6. No longer content with merely photocopying your hand, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop.

7. You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.

8. The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.
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Least-Known Facts About Saddam Hussein

...Hasn't actually read the Koran, but has definitely skimmed the Cliff's Notes several times.

...Cries while listening to Carpenters albums.

...Busy burning all his valentines from Osama.

...Merciless chemical gassing of his own people was actually "a cry for help".

...Former school classmates who teased him now floating in jars in his den.

...Wants 239th palace to have an Elvis theme.

...Enjoys long walks on the beach and candlelit dinners after long day of overseeing brutal torture of dissidents.

...Bought an Abdomenizer after watching late-night infomercial, but it's just sitting on closet shelf in underground bunker.

...Has a secret plan for reducing desertion rate of troops in future wars to only 96%.

...Now privately admits that "Mother of All Battles" was actually more like "Third Cousin In Law's Niece of All Battles".

...Has a nervous habit of flicking his lighter when he sees oil wells.

...Has a soft spot for his Chief Torturer and presented him with a monogrammed soldering iron for his birthday.

...Has several Pokemon characters tattooed on his ass.

...Sometimes gets "just a little creeped out" by 237,984 pictures of himself hung around Baghdad.

...Deeply disappointed that Estes company refused to supply him with D-size engines for missile program.

...Favorite Iraqi holiday is National "Compose Glowing Poetry About Saddam While Licking His Boots Clean" Day.

...Has every episode of Love Boat on tape; likes to dub over dialog with his own speeches.

...Sleeps with life-size doll of Joseph Stalin that he refers to it as "Snuggums".

...Has finally crossed the Bush family off his Christmas card list.

...Can't sleep without a night-light and his Scooby Doo pajamas.

...Official Food Taster number 7,938 is his favorite so far.

...Wiped out 94 relatives, three army divisions, the whole Iraqi Olympic Soccer Team, and an entire species of moss after suspecting their involvement in a coup plot.

...Sound management of economy and fiscal discretion will allow complete rebuilding of Iraqi infrastructure by the year 2435.

...Really, really enjoyed dissections in grade school Biology classes.

...Favorite activity is being driven down Saddam Street to Saddam Stadium to watch Team Saddam practice Saddam Ball every Saddam Day.

...Learned his expert military skills through weekly games of Risk.

...Likes to dig up most-hated former enemies and execute them a few more times for satisfaction.

...Seeking to establish his own coalition, he's considering a bold diplomatic offensive to reopen embassies in Liechtenstein, Andorra, and San Marino.

...Has small, adorable puppy named Corpse.
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Signs That You Really Are Going Bald

1. People keep referring to you as 'Captain Picard'.
2. Your part keeps getting wider...and wider.
3. You wear a T-Shirt that says, "The more hair I lose, the more head I get!"
4. People start calling you 'Mr. Clean'.
5. Your hair is actually 5 feet long because you use it to cover the bald part!
6. You get more coupons for Rogaine than you get free America On-Line disks.
7. The thought of growing your eyebrows to preposterous lengths and combing them straight back actually crosses your mind.
8. People always chasing you with billiard sticks.
9. Your name is MICHAEL BOLTON!
10. In the morning, your wife tells you the sun rises twice!
11. You need sunglasses to look at your reflection in the mirror first thing in the morning.
12. You're still using the same bottle of shampoo after two years...and it ain't "economy-sized", neither!
13. The barber starts charging you less for hair-cuts.
14. Movie producers call you to star in a remake of Kojac.
15. You think William Shatner's hair piece looks pretty good!
16. You actually wear that, "Solar panel for a sex machine," t-shirt.
17. Each day takes longer to wash your face.
18. You no longer have a dandruff problem.
19. Your dog is irritated by how much you are shedding.
20. You're not just the President of the Hair Club for Men, you're now a member.
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Top 10 Places / Times Not to Get a Woody

10. With your wife, visiting her sister.
9. Golfing with the guys
8. With your wife, and accidentally run into your ex-girlfriend.
7. Showering with the guys after a basketball game.
6. Visiting a friend in the slammer.
5. While being pulled over for a traffic citation.
4. Shaking hands with your pastor/priest after church.
3. In front of your child's 3rd grade class, looking at the teacher at show and tell time.
2. Standing on the subway with a bunch of nuns watching you.

And the number one time never to get a woody is
1. When your best friend, on a guys night out, asks you, "Hey what do you want to do tonight?"
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25 Signs You've Grown Up

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.
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Top Ten Reasons Oreos are Better Than Men

10. They don't scream if you twist them too hard.
9. They don't get drunk and throw up in your bed.
8. They are always good.
7. They go away when you want them too.
6. Rather have chocolate in your teeth than hair.
5. Don't have to worry about the last person who ate one.
4. It's always fun to swallow.
3. They never talk.
2. When it makes a mess in your bed, it's easy to clean.

And the number one reason Oreos are better than men:

1. The creamy white stuff tastes good!
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Top Ten Amish Buggy Bumper Stickers

10. I may be slow, but I'm ahead of you AND I got traffic backed up for 5 miles.
9. Born to raise barns.
8. My other buggy is a Mercedes.
7. Eat my dust, but don't step in my exhaust.
6. Don't blame me--I didn't vote for him or anyone else!
5. I pray for higher gas prices.
4. I brake for barn raisings.
3. When the Amish are outlawed, only outlaws will be Amish!
2. No...I am not Harrison Ford.
1. If this buggy is swayin'...I'm in here a prayin'!

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You Know You are Living in 2003 When...

1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have an email address.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
4. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home
5. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.
6. You buy a computer and 3 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid for it.
7. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.
8. Using real money, instead of credit or debit to make a purchase, would be a hassle and take planning.
9. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
10. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
11. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
12. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
13. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
14. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee (green barley)
16. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your email on your way back to bed.
17. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.* :)
18. You're reading this.
19. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.

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Comments Overheard in 1957

The following were some comments made in the year 1957:

(1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20.00."

(2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."

(3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

(4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

(5) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

(6)"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage,"

(7) "Kids today are impossible. Those ducktail hair cuts make it
impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls,"

(8)"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying damn in "Gone With The Wind", it seems every new movie has either Hell or damn in it."

(9) "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

(10) "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday that they will be making more than the President."

(11) "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

(12)"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

(13) "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

(14) "Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorces at the drop of a hat."

(18) "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."

(19) "No one can afford to be sick any more, $35.00 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."
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Top 20 Signs She's Bored Having Sex With You

20. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."
19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.
18. Actually answers when you ask "Who's your daddy?"
17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.
16. Only moans during commercial breaks.
15. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.
14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.
12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.
11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead.
10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda."
9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.
8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.
7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.
6. Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"
5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating....
4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.
2. She yells out her own name
1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

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10 Ways You Know Your Internet Connection Is Slow

1. Text on Web pages displays as Morse Code.

2. Graphics arrive via FedEx.

3. You believe a heavier string might improve your connection.

4. You post a message to your favorite newsgroup and it displays a week later.

5. Your credit card expires while ordering online.

6. ESPN Web site exhibits "Heisman Trophy Winner"...for 1989.

7. You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "PacMan".

8. Everyone you talk to on the 'net phone' sounds like Forrest Gump.

9. You receive e-mails with stamps on them.

10. When you click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.
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15 Things to do at Walmart while your wife is taking her sweet ass time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in Housewares"... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible".

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say, "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "Hey! You're out of toilet paper in here!"
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Top Ten Signs it's Monday

10. Yesterday was Tuesday and tomorrow is Sunday... at least that is what you are thinking.

9. The President looks hungover as he issues his weekly apology to the nation.

8. Another knee-slapping cartoon of that darn Garfield saying "I hate Monday!"

7. You're happy to go to work in order to get some rest.

6. In your current opinion five days is a long time.

5. You break down into a sobbing mess on the floor because there was no coffee left in the pot when you got to work.

4. You are half way to work before you realize you have been listening to "Rev. Carl's Bible Hour" on your car radio.

3. You've already planned several thousand ways to avoid actually doing work until Friday.

2. Husband begins warming up TV for Monday Night Football at 6 A.M. and carefully positioning snacks at strategic locations around the living room.

1. The solid rain for the past two days has stopped, leaving a beautiful, sunny day.


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