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Lists, Lists and more
Lists III |
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There's
a very amusing book out, titled:
750
Ways to Annoy People by W. Shaffer Fox. I met this very
amusing man and bought a copy of his book as an exmuss gift recently
-- and if you like these lists, you'll LOVE this book.
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Don't miss
our original Lists Page
And our second Lists Page
Fatal
Things to Say When Your Wife's Pregnant
1. I finished the
Oreos.
2. Not to imply anything,
but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
3. Y'know, looking
at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!
4. I sure hope your
thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!
5. Well, couldn't
they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.
6. Darned if you ain't
about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons
fella.
7. Fred at the office
passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.
8. Whoa! For a minute
there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!
9. I'm jealous! Why
can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
10. Are your ankles
supposed to look like that?
11. Get your *own*
ice cream.
12. Geez, you're awfully
puffy looking today.
13. Got milk ?
14. Maybe we should
name the baby after my secretary, Tawney?
15. Man! That rose
tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!
16. Retaining water?
Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...
17. Your stomach sticks
out almost as much as your ass!
18. You don't
have the guts to pull that trigger...
Back to the Top
Top
Ten independent political parties we'd like to see
...in
the 2000 Presidential election.
10. The Crack Party...
We're split down the middle.
9. The Mouth Party...
And you're invited to cum.
9. The Gay/NRA Party...
We're here, we're queer. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
7. The Pity Party...
C'mon, we never win anything. Vote for us once, will ya?
6. The Private Party...
No comment.
5. The Cocktail Party...
Cock and Tail - does it get any better than this?
4. The Search Party...
Looking for members.
3. The Keg Party...
Dude, we could so totally run the country.
2. Non-partisan party...
We believe in what you believe in.
And the number 1 independent
political party we'd like to see:
1. The Beaver
Party... Oh, forget it - we've already got Bush.
Back to the Top
Top
Twenty Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped
20. The cucumber has
left the salad.
19. I can see the
gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down
the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows
on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying
to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't
so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs
to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring
your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson...
Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door
is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has
LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making
a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is
reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not
all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has
escaped!
5. You've got your
fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest
is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security
breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about
Shaft, can you dig it?
...And The Number
One Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped.
1. Men are From Mars,
I Can See Your Penis.
Back to the Top
Top
Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much
10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette
break"
9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina
8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bring-down"
7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded
6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap
5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying, "Go down
to the big pile of cigarette butts..."
4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts
3. You smoke during sex.
2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys"
1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a "nonsmoking"
iron lung
Back to the Top
Top
Ten Times the "F" Word was Appropriate
10) "What the *&%# was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima
9) "Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?" -- Custer
8) "Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein
7) "It does SO *&%#ing look like her!" -- Picasso
6) "How the *&%# did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras
5) "You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo
4) "I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain." -- Joan of
Arc
3) "Scattered *&%#ing showers...my ass!" -- Noah
2) "I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!"
--JFK
1) "Aw, c'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?" -- Bill
Clinton
Back to the Top
Little
Golden Books That Never Made It
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife
Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Back to the Top
9
Ways You Can Tell Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease:
1 Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
2 Your cow thought Frank Bruno would beat Mike Tyson.
3 Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
4 She refuses to let you milk her, saying: "Not on a first date."
5 You catch your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
6 Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.
7 Your cow appears on Oprah and Jerry Springer, claiming to be a horse
trapped in a cow's body.
8 Your cow is wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
9 Your cow quits the family dairy and applies for a job at Burger King.
Back to the Top
To All the Drunk Women:
20 Clues to Calling it a Night
You
Know It's Time To Go Home When...
1. You have absolutely
no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had
to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.
3. You suddenly decide
you want to kick someone's ass.
4. In your last trip
to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker
than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
5. You drop your 3:00
a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
6. You start crying.
7. There are less
than three hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a
deeper side to the office nerd.
9. The man you're
flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take
off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely
overwhelming.
11. You've forgotten
where you live.
12. You've started
to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because
(as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.
13. You yell at the
bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's
just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.
14. You think you're
in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
15. You start every
conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. You fail to notice
that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
17. Your sloppy hugs
begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. You're tired so
you just sit on the floor (and why not!).
19. You show your
friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.
20. You start making-out
with middle-eastern men on dance floors.
And
another 20...
1. I have absolutely
no idea where my purse is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms over head and my butt wiggling
while yelling woo-hoo! is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe
I could do it, too.
4. In my last trip to "pee" I realized I now look more like
Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating even though
I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.
7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing
becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep
them half closed and think it looks sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just
lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen
floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the
wrong way but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing)and
take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the button's open on my button fly pants to cut down
on the time I'm in the washroom away from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I can't
walk straight.
Back to the Top
23
Essential Truths
1. A king size water-bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house
4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman
cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread
paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. A ceiling
Fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) will not stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it
is too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke. Lots of smoke.
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36
year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year
old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials
show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not
like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
22. It will however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Back to the Top
Top
Ten Amish Spring Break Activities
1. Drink molasses 'til you heave
2. Wet bonnet contest
3. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy
4. Buttermilk kegger
5. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really rad Clydesdale
6. Get a tattoo: "Born to raise barns"
7. Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with
zippers
8. Sleep 'til 6 AM
9. Drive over to Allensville and kick some Mennonite rear
10. Churn butter naked
Back to the Top
Top
13 Things PMS Stands For
1. Pass My
Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make Me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
Back to the Top
The
Top 16 Favorite Movies of Jenna Bush:
16. Rebel Without a Card
15. Austin Bars: The Guy Who Snagged Me
14. Bar Trek: The Next Jennaration
13. Me, Myself and I.D.
12. The Little Barmaid
11. The Keg and I
10. 101 Libations
9. Bend Hurl
8. The Hunt for OctoberFest
7. License to Kill Your Dad's Chances of Re-Election
6. Drunk and Drunker
5. The Clodfather
4. 9 ½ Weeks-of Community Service
3. Heaving Las Cervezas
2.Honey, I've Drunks for Kids!
and the Number 1 Favorite Movie of Jenna Bush...
1. You've Got Bail!
Back to the Top
Ways
to Annoy Your Bathroom Stall-Mate
1. Stick
your open palm under the stall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow
a highlighter?"
2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a
bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"
6. Say, "Damn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe
into the toilet bowl from a high place, then and sigh loudly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under
the stall walls while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
11. Say, "Interesting, more sinkers than floaters."
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toilet
paper and drop it under the stall wall. Then say, "Whoops. Could
you kick that back over here, please?"
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!"
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now
what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers
Anonymous" newsletter on the floor, making it visible to the occupant
of the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you
can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born
Free."
The
Benefits of Growing Older
1. Kidnappers
are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
7. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather
Service.
8. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
9. Things you buy now won't wear out.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into
the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember
them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
Back to the Top
Top
Ten Black Plays Coming To A Theater Near You:
10 - Lord, Momma Done Burnt the Chicken Again
9 - I Ain't Seen My Daddy Since the 80's: Tales from the Ghetto
8 - Menace II Society 2: The Return of Kaine, Tupac, Biggie and
introducing Big Pun
7 - Momma, It's the 1st and the Check Ain't Here: A Ghetto Tragedy
6 - A Tale of Two Baby Daddies
5 - Momma, I'm Pregnant...Again!
4 - Momma, It's the 15th and the Check Still Ain't Here: The Sequel
to the Tragedy on the 1st
3 - Lord, How Can I Keep My Lexus and Range Rover on A Secretary's
Salary?
2 - Lord, I Hate My Baby Momma: Starring Shawn Kemp and Bobby Brown
and Headlining, O.J. Simpson
And the Number One Black Play coming to a theater near you is............
1 - Who Drank All the Damn Kool-Aid: A Ghetto Mystery!
Back to the Top
Top
10 Reasons to go to Work Naked
10. No one
ever steals your chair.
9. Gives 'bad hair day' a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. 'I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants.'
3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your
tan.
and the #1
reason to go to work naked...
1. Your boss
will never say, 'I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!' ever again.
Back to the Top
Top
10 Things You Don't Want To Hear From Tech Support
10 "So...what
are you wearing?"
9 "Duuuuude! Bummer!"
8 "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n."
7 "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press
3 if you're with the FTC."
6 "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll
of duct tape and a car battery."
5 "I'm sorry Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
4 "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
3 "Hold on a second...Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
2 "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
1 "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."
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Top
Ten Signs Your Coworker Is a Computer Hacker
10 Everyone
who ticks him off gets a $26,000 phone bill.
9 She's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.
8 When asked for her phone number, she gives it in hex.
7 Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6 Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
5 Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez!" 295 times during the movie The Net.
4 Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
3 His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among
turn-ons.
2 Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good
Morning, Mr. President."
1 You hear her murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa now, Professor
I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"
Back
to the Top
Top
10 Reasons Beer is Better Than Religion
10. No one
will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give
it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his
brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.
Back
to the Top
Last
10 Things Any Woman Would EVER Say
10. Could
our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one
6. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are
just too cute
5. This diamond is way too big
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look to small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again
Back
to the Top
Last
10 Things Any Man Would EVER Say
10. I think
Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker
9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy
7. Her tits are just too big
6. Sometimes I just want to be held
5. That chick on "Murder She Wrote" gives me a woody
4. Sure I'd love to wear a condom
3. We haven't been to the mall for ages, lets go shopping and I can hold
your purse
2. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown
1. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions.
Back
to the Top
12
Lines to Get Out of Jury Duty
1. I can
tell if people are guilty just by looking at them.
2. I am really attracted to you, Your Honor.
3. If a police officer told me I was a bug, I'd believe him
4. I think laws are for sissies.
5. Would I have to bathe?
6. Can each of my personalities vote in the deliberation?
7. My religion specifically prohibits me from sitting near other people.
8. Your marshall's handcuffs are turning me on.
9. A pit bull named [defendant's first name] just killed my baby.
10. I have Tourette's syndrome, you %&#@&%@ %#@&#$%.
11. I get dizzy if I try to weigh evidence.
12. An eye for an eye. I say we take his head for an eye (point at defendant).
Back to the Top
Top
15 Indications You're Having a Bad Hair Day
15. A horrified
Don King offers you his comb.
14. Like magic, your ponytail stays in place with no rubber band.
13. Head lice have formed a tenant's union and are demanding renovations.
12. Sparrows divebomb your head territorially.
11. During lunch hour, your hair robs a nearby convenience store.
10. Your hair gets caught in the vacuum cleaner and the ceiling fan --
simultaneously.
9. Thumbs up from Dennis Rodman at last night's Bulls game.
8. You're selected as the next male cast member of "Friends."
7. Your date can't quite decide which one of the Little Rascals you resemble
the most.
6. Rod Stewart, Lyle Lovett and Michael Bolton over at the next table
pointing and laughing their asses off.
5. An hour before the square dance, and there's not an ounce of bacon
fat to be found!
4. Three cans of hairspray and you *still* look like the flying nun.
3. To get to your office from the parking lot, you have to tack into the
wind three times.
2. Someone mistakes your silhouette for Patti Labelle holding an umbrella.
and the Number
One Indication You're Having a Bad Hair Day...
1. You spend
the whole day fending off the advances of Ted Koppel's wife.
Back to the Top
If
Microsoft Was Jewish...
1. Instead of getting a "general protection fault" error,
your PC would get "verklempt".
2. "Year 2000" issues are replace by "year 5760-5761"
issues.
3. Hanukkah screen savers will have "flying dreidels".
4. Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
5. After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 48 hours.
6. Your "start" button would be replaced with a "let's
go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.
7. "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop
it already - you're killing me. You vant I should try again? I didn't
hear that!".
8. When disconnecting external devices from the back of the PC,
you would be instructed to "remove the cable from the PC's tucas".
9. Internet Explorer would have a spinning "Star of David"
in the upper right corner.
10. You would hear the tune "Halva Nagila" during startup.
11. When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You
vant I should fix this?" message.
12. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud
"OY!"
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Top
Ten Elf Pickup Lines
1.
"I'm down here."
2. Just because I've got bells on my shoes, doesn't mean I'm a sissy.
3. I was once a lawn ornament for NSYNC. Want to meet them?
4. I can get you off Santa's naughty list.
5. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys.
6. I'm a magical being. Can I try to make your top and bra disappear?
7. No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks
over at Keebler.
8. Get an eyedropper of tequila in me and I turn into a little wild
man.
9. You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.
10. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners!
Back to the Top
Top
10 Signs You're Broke After Christmas
1. American Express calls and says; "Definitely leave home without
it."
2. Your idea of a 7 course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
3. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
4. You give blood everyday, just for the orange juice.
5. You finally clean your house, hoping to find loose change.
6. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
7. Sally Struthers sends you food.
8. You go back for seconds at communion.
9. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe
Lincoln.
10. You rob Peter and then you rob Paul.
Back to the Top
Top
Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and
ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for car
dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I
like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my car. GO CRAZY!
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good
enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to
consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those
doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have
it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring.
Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you
to spend. Here's $100.
1. What do I want for Father's day? Aahh -- don't worry about that. It's
no big deal.
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Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk,
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow,
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store,
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right,
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class,
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished,
But now I'm fulfilled, SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!
4. Through all the things that came to pass,
Our love has grown, but so has your ass!
3. You're a honey, and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny,
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
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Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble
10. Sometimes
stays in bed till after 6am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!"
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't
listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage
cheese."
...and the
number one sign your Amish teen is in trouble...
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards!
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10 WaysTo Get Rid of Jehovah's Witnesses
1. Answer
the door naked and carrying weaponry (immediate results).
2. Pretend
to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their spirit
of charity lasts.
3. Answer
every one of their questions with: "What do you mean by that?"
This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing
bets on how long it takes for them to get flustered and leave.
4. Ask them
to reconcile Revelation 1 and 22 for the "Alpha & Omega's"
identity (Jesus or God), repeat constantly. You may have to resort to
another method to actually get rid of them, but this will definitely make
them sweat.
5. Excuse
yourself from your living room (or wherever)... and don't come back.
6. Make a
series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls (bookie, order for
pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a tearful
confession to the police for the murder of the last Witnesses who visited
you.)
7. Pick an
oft-repeated word in their lexicon (God, Jesus, heaven, it, the etc.)
and giggle whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say
"nothing, why?" in very even tones, and giggle again.
8. Same as
#7, except say "beep" instead of giggling.
9. (Males
only) Feign an intense interest in their spiel. Part way through, begin
putting on make-up, hosiery, a dress, the whole nine yards. Make encouraging
noises (uh huh, I see...) throughout, and if they ask you what you're
doing, pull a # 7. If they're still there when you are done, Ask them
if they would please kindly leave as you have a hot date in ten minutes.
10. Look
smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.
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Things
You Don't Want to Hear at a Tattoo Parlor
"Eagle?
I thought you said BEAGLE."
"We're
all out of red, so I used pink."
"There
are 2 Os in Bob, right?"
"Sorry,
sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy."
"That
call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Sweetie."
"I HATE
it when I get the hiccups."
"Anything
else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here."
"I'll
bet you can't tell I've never done this before."
"The
flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect."
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10 Answers Men Would Like to Give
(To Women's Stupid Questions... but never will)
10. No, we
can't be friends, I just want to use you for sex.
9. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all the fucking ice-cream
and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.
8. You've got shit chance of me calling you.
7. No, I won't be gentle.
6. Of course you have to swallow.
5. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.
4. I hate your fucking friends.
3. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to
you after tonight.
2. I'd rather watch a stick movie
1. Eat it? It took me 20 beers to get up the courage to fuck it.
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30
Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say
1. I just
love how Barry Manilow sings, don't you?
2. No, I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
3. You know, her breasts are just too big for my liking.
4. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. Boy, that Barbara Walters on "20/20" is one sexy babe.
6. Sure, honey! I'd be happy to discuss the state of our relationship.
7. We haven't been to the mall for ages. Let's go shopping and I can hold
your purse.
8. Forget Monday Night Football. Let's watch something meaningful on the
"Lifetime Channel."
9. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
10. Honey, I'm going to the store. Do you need more tampons?
11. Actually, I prefer it when *you* hold the remote.
12. I'm sick of beer. Give me a fruit juice.
13. Great! Your mother's coming to stay with us again.
14. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when
she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
15. No way. You weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
16. Better get rid of these old Playboy magazines. I don't look at them
any more.
17. I understand.
18. This movie has way too much gratuitous nudity.
19. Damn, we're late for church!
20. No! I don't want to see your sister's breasts.
21. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
22. Put some panties on, for Pete's sake.
23. Eat something! You are starting to look like a Victoria's Secret Model!
24. Don't pick that up, I got it.
25. Happy Anniversary!
26. Hey, isn't today your Mother's birthday?
27. Let's talk. I miss talking.
28. Gay men have rights too!
29. I am just too tired to have sex again today!
30. Are you losing weight, sweetie?
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Signs
You Have Nothing to do at Work
1. You've
already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2002
2. You discover
that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.
3. You've
figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.
4. You decide
to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion
occurs.
5. People
come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.
6. No longer
content with merely photocopying your hand, you now scan and enhance it
with Photoshop.
7. You now
require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.
8. The 4th
Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out
has called for reinforcements.
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Least-Known
Facts About Saddam Hussein
...Hasn't
actually read the Koran, but has definitely skimmed the Cliff's Notes
several times.
...Cries
while listening to Carpenters albums.
...Busy burning
all his valentines from Osama.
...Merciless
chemical gassing of his own people was actually "a cry for help".
...Former
school classmates who teased him now floating in jars in his den.
...Wants
239th palace to have an Elvis theme.
...Enjoys
long walks on the beach and candlelit dinners after long day of overseeing
brutal torture of dissidents.
...Bought
an Abdomenizer after watching late-night infomercial, but it's just sitting
on closet shelf in underground bunker.
...Has a
secret plan for reducing desertion rate of troops in future wars to only
96%.
...Now privately
admits that "Mother of All Battles" was actually more like "Third
Cousin In Law's Niece of All Battles".
...Has a
nervous habit of flicking his lighter when he sees oil wells.
...Has a
soft spot for his Chief Torturer and presented him with a monogrammed
soldering iron for his birthday.
...Has several
Pokemon characters tattooed on his ass.
...Sometimes
gets "just a little creeped out" by 237,984 pictures of himself
hung around Baghdad.
...Deeply
disappointed that Estes company refused to supply him with D-size engines
for missile program.
...Favorite
Iraqi holiday is National "Compose Glowing Poetry About Saddam While
Licking His Boots Clean" Day.
...Has every
episode of Love Boat on tape; likes to dub over dialog with his own speeches.
...Sleeps
with life-size doll of Joseph Stalin that he refers to it as "Snuggums".
...Has finally
crossed the Bush family off his Christmas card list.
...Can't
sleep without a night-light and his Scooby Doo pajamas.
...Official
Food Taster number 7,938 is his favorite so far.
...Wiped
out 94 relatives, three army divisions, the whole Iraqi Olympic Soccer
Team, and an entire species of moss after suspecting their involvement
in a coup plot.
...Sound
management of economy and fiscal discretion will allow complete rebuilding
of Iraqi infrastructure by the year 2435.
...Really,
really enjoyed dissections in grade school Biology classes.
...Favorite
activity is being driven down Saddam Street to Saddam Stadium to watch
Team Saddam practice Saddam Ball every Saddam Day.
...Learned
his expert military skills through weekly games of Risk.
...Likes
to dig up most-hated former enemies and execute them a few more times
for satisfaction.
...Seeking
to establish his own coalition, he's considering a bold diplomatic offensive
to reopen embassies in Liechtenstein, Andorra, and San Marino.
...Has small,
adorable puppy named Corpse.
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Signs
That You Really Are Going Bald
1. People
keep referring to you as 'Captain Picard'.
2. Your part keeps getting wider...and wider.
3. You wear a T-Shirt that says, "The more hair I lose, the more
head I get!"
4. People start calling you 'Mr. Clean'.
5. Your hair is actually 5 feet long because you use it to cover the bald
part!
6. You get more coupons for Rogaine than you get free America On-Line
disks.
7. The thought of growing your eyebrows to preposterous lengths and combing
them straight back actually crosses your mind.
8. People always chasing you with billiard sticks.
9. Your name is MICHAEL BOLTON!
10. In the morning, your wife tells you the sun rises twice!
11. You need sunglasses to look at your reflection in the mirror first
thing in the morning.
12. You're still using the same bottle of shampoo after two years...and
it ain't "economy-sized", neither!
13. The barber starts charging you less for hair-cuts.
14. Movie producers call you to star in a remake of Kojac.
15. You think William Shatner's hair piece looks pretty good!
16. You actually wear that, "Solar panel for a sex machine,"
t-shirt.
17. Each day takes longer to wash your face.
18. You no longer have a dandruff problem.
19. Your dog is irritated by how much you are shedding.
20. You're not just the President of the Hair Club for Men, you're now
a member.
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10 Places / Times Not to Get a Woody
10. With
your wife, visiting her sister.
9. Golfing with the guys
8. With your wife, and accidentally run into your ex-girlfriend.
7. Showering with the guys after a basketball game.
6. Visiting a friend in the slammer.
5. While being pulled over for a traffic citation.
4. Shaking hands with your pastor/priest after church.
3. In front of your child's 3rd grade class, looking at the teacher at
show and tell time.
2. Standing on the subway with a bunch of nuns watching you.
And the number
one time never to get a woody is
1. When your best friend, on a guys night out, asks you, "Hey what
do you want to do tonight?"
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25
Signs You've Grown Up
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather
than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and
pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm
never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't
apply to you.
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Ten Reasons Oreos are Better Than Men
10. They
don't scream if you twist them too hard.
9. They don't get drunk and throw up in your bed.
8. They are always good.
7. They go away when you want them too.
6. Rather have chocolate in your teeth than hair.
5. Don't have to worry about the last person who ate one.
4. It's always fun to swallow.
3. They never talk.
2. When it makes a mess in your bed, it's easy to clean.
And the number
one reason Oreos are better than men:
1. The creamy
white stuff tastes good!
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Ten Amish Buggy Bumper Stickers
10. I may
be slow, but I'm ahead of you AND I got traffic backed up for 5 miles.
9. Born to raise barns.
8. My other buggy is a Mercedes.
7. Eat my dust, but don't step in my exhaust.
6. Don't blame me--I didn't vote for him or anyone else!
5. I pray for higher gas prices.
4. I brake for barn raisings.
3. When the Amish are outlawed, only outlaws will be Amish!
2. No...I am not Harrison Ford.
1. If this buggy is swayin'...I'm in here a prayin'!
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You
Know You are Living in 2003 When...
1. Your reason
for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have an email
address.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so
she can create a screen saver.
4. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home
5. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom
of the screen.
6. You buy a computer and 3 months later it is out of date and now sells
for half the price you paid for it.
7. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn
around to go get it.
8. Using real money, instead of credit or debit to make a purchase, would
be a hassle and take planning.
9. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
10. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
11. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
12. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
13. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
14. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee
(green barley)
16. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your email on
your way back to bed.
17. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.* :)
18. You're reading this.
19. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.
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Comments
Overheard in 1957
The following
were some comments made in the year 1957:
(1) "I'll
tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its going to
be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20.00."
(2) "Have
you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000
will only buy a used one."
(3) "If
cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack
is ridiculous."
(4) "Did
you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail
a letter?"
(5) "If
they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside
help at the store."
(6)"When
I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost
29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage,"
(7) "Kids
today are impossible. Those ducktail hair cuts make it
impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing
their hair as long as the girls,"
(8)"I'm
afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark
Gable get by with saying damn in "Gone With The Wind", it seems
every new movie has either Hell or damn in it."
(9) "I
read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a
man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows
they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
(10) "Did
you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000
a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday that they
will be making more than the President."
(11) "I
never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric.
They are even making electric typewriters now."
(12)"It's
too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women
are having to work to make ends meet."
(13) "It
won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to
watch their kids so they can both work."
(14) "Marriage
doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting
divorces at the drop of a hat."
(18) "There
is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs
nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."
(19) "No
one can afford to be sick any more, $35.00 a day in the hospital is too
rich for my blood."
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20 Signs She's Bored Having Sex With You
20. After
you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."
19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.
18. Actually answers when you ask "Who's your daddy?"
17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.
16. Only moans during commercial breaks.
15. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.
14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.
12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.
11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead.
10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda,
Yadda."
9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.
8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.
7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants
on too.
6. Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"
5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating....
4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.
2. She yells out her own name
1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.
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10
Ways You Know Your Internet Connection Is Slow
1. Text on
Web pages displays as Morse Code.
2. Graphics
arrive via FedEx.
3. You believe
a heavier string might improve your connection.
4. You post
a message to your favorite newsgroup and it displays a week later.
5. Your credit
card expires while ordering online.
6. ESPN Web
site exhibits "Heisman Trophy Winner"...for 1989.
7. You're
still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "PacMan".
8. Everyone
you talk to on the 'net phone' sounds like Forrest Gump.
9. You receive
e-mails with stamps on them.
10. When
you click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side
of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.
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15
Things to do at Walmart while your wife is taking her sweet ass time:
1. Get 24
boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't
looking.
2. Set all
the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. Make a
trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. Walk up
to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in Housewares"...
and see what happens.
5. Go to
the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. Move a
'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up
a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite
them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a
clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't
you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right
into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
10. While
handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where
the antidepressants are.
11. Dart
around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission
Impossible".
12. In the
auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different
size funnels.
13. Hide
in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say, "PICK ME!
PICK ME!"
14. When
an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position
and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
15. Go into
a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "Hey!
You're out of toilet paper in here!"
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Ten Signs it's Monday
10. Yesterday
was Tuesday and tomorrow is Sunday... at least that is what you are thinking.
9. The President
looks hungover as he issues his weekly apology to the nation.
8. Another
knee-slapping cartoon of that darn Garfield saying "I hate Monday!"
7. You're
happy to go to work in order to get some rest.
6. In your
current opinion five days is a long time.
5. You break
down into a sobbing mess on the floor because there was no coffee left
in the pot when you got to work.
4. You are
half way to work before you realize you have been listening to "Rev.
Carl's Bible Hour" on your car radio.
3. You've
already planned several thousand ways to avoid actually doing work until
Friday.
2. Husband
begins warming up TV for Monday Night Football at 6 A.M. and carefully
positioning snacks at strategic locations around the living room.
1. The solid
rain for the past two days has stopped, leaving a beautiful, sunny day.
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