For these books on Gender-based humor, go to Amazon.com
GirlFriend
Version x.x ,Wife Version x.x Jokes moved to: When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big tits. In high school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now
all I want is a girl with big tits.
Results:
A patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive and you will have to pay the costs yourselves." "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives. "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000." Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?" "A
standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's
brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used." "IT'S
A GUY THING" The perfect
man is gentle The perfect
man likes children The perfect
man loves cooking The perfect
man is sweet He
never has made you cry Urinal.exe 313kb (downloadable executable file) First Annual Choose-A-Urinal(tm) Challenge!Men
should ace this test ... women may have a little difficulty. The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room. An X above the number will indicate "in use." (Sample): | _ | _ | x | _ | _ | x | (Indicates that urinals 3 and 6 are occupied.) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | You are to identify correctly, based on urinal etiquette, at which stall you are to stand. Good luck! Easy Section1.) | _ | x | _ | x | _ | _ | (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Your choice: ___ Correct answer: 6 - It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this. 2.) | x | _ | _ | _ | _ | _ | (Urinal 1 occupied.) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Your choice: ___ Correct answer: 6 - Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to someone who arrives later. Kind-of-Tricky Section:3.) | _ | _ | _ | _ | _ | _ | (empty) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Your choice: ___ __ Correct answer: 1 or 6 - You are tacitly saying, "I don't want anyone next to me." 4.) | _ | x | _ | x | _ | x | (2, 4 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Your choice: ___ Correct answer: 1 - You're stuck being next to at least ONE guy, so you minimize the impact and get a wall on your left. NEVER go between TWO guys if you can help it. Exceptions to this are stadium restrooms where the herd thunders in. Subtle, Tricky, But Important-to-Know Section5.) | _ | x | _ | _ | x | x | (2, 5 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Your choice: ___ Correct answer: 4 - Believe it or not, 1 and 3 "couples you with the guy in stall 2. And we wouldn't want THAT now, would we? This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances cannot be explained. Suffice to say, only we men would understand! VERY-Tricky-Indeed Section6.) | x | x | _ | _ | x | x | (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Your choice: ___ Correct answer: NONE! - You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals "open up" a bit more. If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD--for God's sake, use a doored stall! Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals:-- NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep it terse and unemotional. This ain't no clubhouse. -- I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is of the highest offense. -- NO Singing. Period. --
Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see you
there. I will not look again." In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects .... Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system. *** Simple Duties *** You make
sure there's plenty of gas in the car ....+1 You load
the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish ....+1 You go out
to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings ....+5 You make
the bed ....+1 You check
out a suspicious noise at night ....0 *** Social Engagements *** You stay
by her side the entire party ....0 When mingling,
you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly ....+1 When your
mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if ou think she is
attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you"
....+1 You have
one drink, and that's it ....0 *** Saturday Afternoon *** You go to
the mall together ....+3 You tackle
a large household project, such as painting the den ....+15 You spend
the afternoon watching college football in your underwear ....-6 *** Her Birthday *** You take
her out to dinner ....0 You go to
a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player ....+3 *** Thoughtfulness *** You forget
her birthday completely ....-10 *** A Night Out With The Boys *** Go out with
a pal ....-5 You have
a few beers ....-9 *** Her Night Out *** You watch
the kids while she goes out with her annoying friend from work ....+5 *** A Night At Home *** You watch
TV together .... 0 *** A Night Out *** You take
her to a movie ....+2 *** Flowers *** You buy her
flowers only when it's expected .... 0 *** Your Physique *** You develop
a noticeable potbelly ....-15 *** Finances *** You spend
a lot of money on something impractical ....-5 *** Driving *** You lost
the directions on a trip ....-4 *** The Big Question *** She asks,
"Do I look fat?" ....-5 *** Communication *** When
she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like
a concerned expression ....0
If Men Really Ruled The World:
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"
Version II: THE RULES -- THIS TIME BY MEN!!!!! We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note .. These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down. 1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand. 1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes -- tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Check your oil! Please. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. 1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. Peanuts are as exciting for us as handbags are for you. 1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape. 1. Thank
you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight,
but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping. 5 Questions Most Feared by Men 1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat? 4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 5. What would you do if I died? What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses. Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Baseball. b. Football. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!" Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads. b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That depends on what you mean by love. d. Does it matter? e. Who, me? Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. I've seen fatter. e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines: WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not, don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) MAN: (makes audible groan ) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed. WOMAN: - - - silence - - - MAN: Shit. A Man Shopping at Bloomingdale's A man was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale's when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter. He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam." She smiled pleasantly and asked "And what would you like?" The man said, "I'd
like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand
up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your
inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet womanhood,
I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with
my teeth and then suck on your beautiful tits and bite your nipples lightly---What
I need is a new tie!" Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient: 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: a. Present it to the
president of the United States. 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youth do you miss the most? a. Innocence. 3. When is it okay to kiss another male? a. When you
wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded
social conventions. 4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: a. A cat. 5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy--you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? a. That you sincerely
believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it. 6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her. How do you tell her? a. You take her to
a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. 7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is: a. "Do they need
to eat or anything?" 8. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? a. He was being tested. 9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? a. Democracy. After gunning his Beemer the wrong way down a Columbia Maryland one-way street the inebriated Yuppie was asked where he thought he was going by one of those ever inquisitive Howard County Policemen. "I'm not really sure Officer." replied the drunk. "But it does seem I'm rather tardy, as everyone appears to be returning."
A bachelor is a man who believes in life, liberty and the sheer happiness of pursuit.
"I'm sorry Arlene, but this relationship just doesn't seem to be going anywhere." said the young man. "Awww Gee !" replied the girl. "And just after I won all those millions in the Lotto too." "Well..." stammered the man. "Perhaps we should give it a while longer yet."
Sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the same. So many young men still go out on Friday and Saturday nights and sow their wild oats, then go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
The couple stepped up to the desk clerk at one of Columbia's finer hotels. "I'd like a room for my wife and myself." said the man. "I'm terribly sorry sir," replied the clerk, "but the only room available is adjacent to the elevators across from the lounge area." "Will that be all right with you dear ?" the well dressed gentleman asked the young lady at his side. |
