Male-centric Humor II

 

 

Battle of the Sexes #1
Battle of the Sexes #2

 
  Marriage and Relationship humor has moved to it's own page!

For these books on Gender-based humor, go to Amazon.com

Dick for a Day: What Would You Do if You Had One? Was it Something I Said? A Gender Translation Guide for all Occasions
Cleavage is Good for Your Health
The Perfect Attitude for the Perfect Woman 
Two Men Discussing Their Wives' Birthdays 
Male Rants and One-Liners
10/25/03 
Male Language Patterns 
Male Etiquette 
How To Crap Like A Man
Date Rape Drug Warning
30 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say
What do Women Really Want?
How to Piss Off A Woman
Nuts
Vagina For A Day
10 Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House
Because I'm a Man
A Man is Given Woman's Ears
Janice is Expecting...
On the Subject of Leftovers 
He Wants a Woman With Big Tits 
Typical Male Decision-Making Process 
Real-Life Complaints  
Why?  What color is it now?  
A Man's Perfect Breakfast
Top 10 Answers Men Would Like to Give
Fishing Vs Women
Things a Man Doesn't Appreciate Hearing
The Man Code
Ten Things Men Know for Sure About Women
I'm not saying she's easy but...

 

GirlFriend Version x.x ,Wife Version x.x Jokes moved to:
our GirlFriend page!


 

A Man is Given Woman's Ears

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution.

He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "yes, I can put you right."

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You swine, you gave me a woman's ears."

"Well, an ear is an ear, what's wrong? Can't you hear?."

"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand a god-damned thing!"
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Cleavage is Good for Your Health

This news is almost as good as Red Wine lowering cholesterol. It came from the New England Journal of Medicine:

Ogling over women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered. According to the New England Journal of Medicine, "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out," declared gerontologist Dr Karen Weatherby. Dr Weatherby and fellow researchers at 3 hospitals in Germany, reached the startling

conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so.

The study revealed that after 5 years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease. "Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation," explains Dr Weatherby. "There is no question: Gazing at breasts makes men healthier." "Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life 4 to 5 years."
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Janice is Expecting...

"How does Janice like being pregnant?" Bob asked his friend john.

"Oh, she's not pregnant," John replied, "she's expecting."

"What's the difference?" Bob pressed.

"Well, John explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet . . ."
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The Perfect Attitude for the Perfect Woman

1. I'll swallow it all... I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored.  Let's shave my pussy!
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a great fart!  Do another one.
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I just love it when you play golf on Sundays.  I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey... Our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again.  Come see.
15. I know it's a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again?
16. No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother is way better than mine.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy some new clubs.
19. I understand fully.  Our anniversary comes every year.  You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints and have my friend Tammy come over for a threesome?
21. Oh come on, not the damn mall again!  Lets go to that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us.  Why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to a 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep, ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24. God, if I don't get to blow you soon, I'm going to bust!
25. I signed up for yoga so I can get my ankles behind my head just for you.
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On the Subject of Leftovers

I have my changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."

However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.

If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat, legible tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food." My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.
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Two Men Discussing Their Wives' Birthdays

A rich man and a poor man were sitting at a bar talking about their wives birthdays. 

The poor man asked the rich man," So what did you get your wife for her birthday?" 

The rich man says "A Mercedes Benz and a diamond ring." 

The poor man asks, "Why both?" 

Rich man says, "So if she doesn't like the ring she can get in her new car and take it back."

Rich man asks, "So what did you get your wife?"  Poor man says, "A pair of flip flops and a dildo." 

Rich man asks why both and the poor man says, "That way if she doesn't like the flip flops she can go fuck her self."
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He Wants a Woman With Big Tits

A guy walks into a shrink's office complaining of trouble with women.

The shrinks asks him what he looks for in a woman, and the guy replies, "Big tits."

The shrink says, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."

The guy replies, "Oh, seriously big tits."

"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"

The doctor looked kind of worried as the guy just sat there on his couch laughing hysterically.

"Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's tits are that big!"
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Male Rants and One-Liners (Politically Incorrect)

This is for men tired of receiving male-bashing jokes.

How many men does it take to open a beer?   None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do men fart more than women?   Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with  "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?  You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?   The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

I haven't spoke to my wife in 18 months:  I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.  It's called a wedding cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus:  Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested.  Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:  "Wife Wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:  "You can have mine".

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked: "What's on the TV?" I said: "Dust!"

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?: Two mothers-in-law.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?  Dad: That happens in every country, son.
 
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy: "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine is still alive."

How do men define marriage?: An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men  would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
 
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
 
Then there was a man who said: "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
 
A little boy asked his father: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the stove.

Q. Why do women have orgasms?
A: It gives them one extra reason to moan.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it-once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
Say, "Nice Dick."

Q: How many 'real men' does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: None, 'real men' aren't afraid of the dark!

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Have a man walk in and tell the other patrons, "Nice dick!"

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
-Helen Rowland

Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house? 
A. Look inside your pants; If you have a dick, it's not time.

Q: What do you call the inanimate tissue around a vagina?
A: A woman!

We recently conducted a poll as to whether men prefer women with large thighs or women with thin thighs. The results were pretty surprising.

10% of those men surveyed preferred women with large thighs.
10% of the men preferred women with thin thighs.
And the other 80% preferred what's in-between

Q: Do you know why doctors slap babies on the butt after they are born?
A: It knocks the dicks off of the dumb ones.

Q: Why don't women need driver's licenses?
A: Because there's no roads between the kitchen and the bedroom.

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of cowboys and had the shit kicked out of him.

Joe and Moe went outside to take a leak and Joe confessed, "I wish I had one like my cousin Junior. He needs four fingers to hold his."
Moe looked over and pointed out, "But you're holding yours with four fingers."
"I know," said Joe with a sigh, "but I'm pissing on three of them."

From 20 to 30 if a man lives right, its once in the morning and twice at night.

From 30 to 40 if he still lives right, he missing a morning and sometimes a night.

From 40 to 50, its just now and then.

From 50 to 60, its heavens knows when.

From 60 to 70 he's slightly declined, but don't let him kid you, its STILL on his mind!



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Typical Male Decision-Making Process

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he. . . . . . . . .


scroll down
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Married the one with the biggest boobs!

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Real-Life Complaints

"She has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The pitch flies, the crowd goes wild, and all I can see is her butt." -Howard, Dodge City, Kan.

"She was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast. Called me controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat breakfast, let alone what she'd have?" -Ted, Wexford, Pa.

"I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts. When she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, not her own. She steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do." -Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass.

"When she gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping her. And no rest for anyone until it's done. It's not so bad when the idea is to bake cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when it's to build a new house, or to get pregnant, things get pretty intense." -Jim, Minneapolis

"My wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals, she asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if they know that their pork chops used to be smarter than their dogs."  -Miles, Shreveport, La.

"It annoys her that our children look like me." -James, New Orleans

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Male Language Patterns

"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."

"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"It would take too long to explain," REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard," REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love," REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me," REALLY MEANS, "You want me to stay awake."

"It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women."

"You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses," REALLY MEANS, "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, wearing a thong."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing," REALLY MEANS, "I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?"

"She's one of the rabid feminists," REALLY MEANS, "She refused to make my coffee."

"I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present," REALLY MEANS, "It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game."

"I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."

"This relationship is getting too serious," REALLY MEANS, "I like you as much as I like my truck."

"We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans them up."

"I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
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Why?  What color is it now?

A really fat guy got out of the shower at the health club. A second guy said, "Gee, you're fat!"

The fat man said, "Yeah."

The second man asked, "How long has it been since you've seen your dick?"

The fat man answered, "Long time."

The second man asked, "Why don't you diet?"

The fat man replied, "Why?  What color is it now?"
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Male Etiquette

Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed or beaten by his fellow partygoers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
   a. When a heroic dog dies to save his master
   b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
   c. After wrecking your boss' car
   d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game"
   e. When his date is using her teeth

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

Bitching about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddies birthday is optional.

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem -- you didn't see nothin'.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much beer as the other sports watchers.

You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly threw it into a ceiling fan.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.

The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have had carnal drunken rampant sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to do it again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
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A Man's Perfect Breakfast

He's sitting at the table.

His son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

His mistress is on the cover of Playboy

And his wife is on the back of the milk carton
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How To Crap Like A Man

1. Select reading material.

2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.

3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.

4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.

5. Open reading material and relax.

6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.

7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.

8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.

9. Rise and look at the crap. Make mental notes of irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. color, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.

10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper before throwing it into the bowl.

*Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of feces on the paper.

11. Flush. If there is any residue left on the bowl, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses the toilet.

12. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again later).

13. Wash your hands once.

14. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.
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Date Rape Drug Warning

Be on the lookout! Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers, and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market, called "beer", is used by females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is found in liquid form, and is now available almost anywhere.

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer", men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened the night before...usually with a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship". Apparently men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "golf courses" in the yellow pages.
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Fishing Vs Women

1. A big, juicy worm always gets a fish excited.
2. You don't have to eat a fish while it's still flopping around.
3. You can go in the bush anytime you want.
4. Stroking your rod won't piss off a trout.
5. Sipping a beer and scratching your balls is all the foreplay expected of you.
6. Anything you stick in a fish's face, it eats.
7. A fish will never gag, choke, or come up for air.
8. Two hours of complete silence.(ok, a 2 hour blowjob will achieve the same thing... But then you will owe her a diamond the size of a small rodent.)
9. You wear rubbers on your feet, not on your dick.
10. If you want a bigger pole, you can have a bigger pole.
11. A smart fish knows when to keep it's mouth shut.
12. It's okay to cook a fish to make it taste good.
13. Fish bite for a guy of 60, same as they do for a guy of 20.
14. You're never called a jerk when you throw back an ugly fish.
15. Fish are real happy when you pick up your gear and go home.
16. You generally can go home with a dozen fish before anyone says anything.
17. The fish will usually nibble gently on your worm before they engulf it entirely in their mouth.
18. If you pull out too quickly, all that happens is that you have a happy fish.
19. A fish doesn't care how big your rod is.
20. Blowfish!
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What do Women Really Want

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first:

The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises...He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question:

What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited!

The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.

Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament:

During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch?

Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.

 

Make your choice before going on...........

 

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY, UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL A WITCH
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How to Piss Off A Woman

Tie her to the bed, describe all the erotic things you plan to do... Then go bowling.

Ask her how she prepared a meal. If she wants to know why you want to know, say "So I don't make the same mistakes."

Tell her YOU have a headache, but you're willing to suffer with it through sex just to please her.

Imitate her having an orgasm while dining out.

Fake your own orgasm while dining out.

Tell her you've applied for the position of blowjob inspector at the nearest whorehouse.

Bang her sister.

After sex tell her the doctor assured you it isn't contagious. Then faint.
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Things a Man Doesn't Appreciate Hearing

THINGS A MAN DOESN'T APPRECIATE BEING SAID WHEN A WOMAN IS LOOKING AT HIM NAKED:

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, It's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it.
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no ... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
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Nuts

Q. What do you call it if you have nuts on your walls?
A. Wall Nuts?
Q. Right! What do you call it if you have nuts on your chest?
A. Chest Nuts?
Q. Right! What do you call it if you have nuts on your chin?
A. Chin nuts?
A. No Babe. It's a blow job!

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The Man Code
(...taken from Maxim?)

This is it. So it has been written, so it shall be....The CODE


1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolate.

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem--you didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.
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Vagina For A Day

Top 10 things a man would do if he woke up with a vagina for a day

1. Immediately go shopping for a huge cucumber and zucchini.

2. Squat over a hand held mirror for 2 hours.

3. See if he could actually do the splits.

4. See if it's possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

5. Cross his legs with out rearranging

6. Get picked up at a bar in less than 10 minutes before closing time.

7. Have multiple orgasms and still be ready for more, without taking a nap first.

8. Go to a gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

9. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts.

10. Finally find that damned G-spot!!!
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Ten Things Men Know for Sure About Women


1.


2.


3.


4.


5.


6.


7.


8.


9.


10. They have breasts.
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10 Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House

1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.

2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair... but only if you are working alone.

4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.

5. If it's electronic, get a new one.

6. Keep it simple: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the "on" switch; or just paint over it.

7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have fixed it.

8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.

9. If something looks level, it is level.

10. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.
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I'm not saying she's easy but...

She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
She's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.
She's responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.
She's been boarded more times than Amtrak.
She's been mounted more often than Trigger.
She's been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins.
She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope.
She's been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.
She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube.
She's spent more time under men than barstools.
She's seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.

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Because I'm a Man

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in.
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Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer.
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Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and
take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get
as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
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Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys - cumin is a spice.)
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Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
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Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
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Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?
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Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, beer, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
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Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
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Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
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Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it---looks fine.. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
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Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2003, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
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This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male

 

 


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