these books on Gender-based humor, go to Amazon.com
Version x.x ,Wife Version x.x Jokes moved to:
our GirlFriend page!
Man is Given Woman's Ears
A man lost both ears
in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution.
He heard of a very
good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought
a while, and said, "yes, I can put you right."
After the operation,
bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in
a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You swine, you gave me
a woman's ears."
"Well, an ear
is an ear, what's wrong? Can't you hear?."
I hear everything, but I don't understand a god-damned thing!"
Back to the Top
is Good for Your Health
This news is almost
as good as Red Wine lowering cholesterol. It came from the New England
Journal of Medicine:
Ogling over women's
breasts is good for a man's health and can add years to his life, medical
experts have discovered. According to the New England Journal of Medicine,
"Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female
is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out," declared
gerontologist Dr Karen Weatherby. Dr Weatherby and fellow researchers
at 3 hospitals in Germany, reached the startling
conclusion after comparing
the health of 200 male outpatients – half of whom were instructed to look
at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so.
The study revealed
that after 5 years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower
resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease. "Sexual
excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation,"
explains Dr Weatherby. "There is no question: Gazing at breasts makes
men healthier." "Our study indicates that engaging in this activity
a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half.
We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his
life 4 to 5 years."
Back to the Top
"How does Janice
like being pregnant?" Bob asked his friend john.
"Oh, she's not
pregnant," John replied, "she's expecting."
"What's the difference?"
"Well, John explained,
"She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the
housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet . . ."
Back to the Top
Perfect Attitude for the Perfect Woman
1. I'll swallow it
all... I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a great fart! Do another one.
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I just love it when you play golf on Sundays. I just wish you
had time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey... Our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again. Come
15. I know it's a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again?
16. No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother is way better than mine.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy some
19. I understand fully. Our anniversary comes every year.
You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer,
a few joints and have my friend Tammy come over for a threesome?
21. Oh come on, not the damn mall again! Lets go to that new strip
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us. Why don't you
retire and get that nagging handicap down to a 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep, ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night
24. God, if I don't get to blow you soon, I'm going to bust!
25. I signed up for yoga so I can get my ankles behind my head just for
Back to the Top
the Subject of Leftovers
I have my changed
my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note
in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast"
or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or
"Beef Pot Pie."
However, I used to
get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because
he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer
with what he really likes.
If you look in my
freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners
with neat, legible tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything,"
"I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good,"
or "Food." My frustration is now reduced because no matter what
my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that
it is there waiting.
Back to the Top
Men Discussing Their Wives' Birthdays
A rich man and a
poor man were sitting at a bar talking about their wives birthdays.
The poor man asked the rich man," So what did you get your wife for
The rich man says "A Mercedes Benz and a diamond ring."
The poor man asks, "Why both?"
Rich man says, "So if she doesn't like the ring she can get in her
new car and take it back."
Rich man asks, "So what did you get your wife?" Poor man
says, "A pair of flip flops and a dildo."
Rich man asks why both and the poor man says, "That way if she doesn't
like the flip flops she can go fuck her self."
Back to the Top
Wants a Woman With Big Tits
A guy walks into a
shrink's office complaining of trouble with women.
The shrinks asks him
what he looks for in a woman, and the guy replies, "Big tits."
The shrink says, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."
The guy replies, "Oh, seriously big tits."
"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want
to spend the rest of your life with?"
The doctor looked kind of worried as the guy just sat there on his couch
"Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's tits are that
Back to the Top
and One-Liners (Politically Incorrect)
This is for men tired
of receiving male-bashing jokes.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should
be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman
who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut
up long enough to build up the required pressure.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she
starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll
shut up once you let him in.
I haven't spoke to my wife in 18 months: I don't like to interrupt
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
by 90%. It's called a wedding cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man
and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor
Man has rested.
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted".
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine".
The last fight was
my fault. My wife asked: "What's on the TV?" I said: "Dust!"
Do you know the punishment
for bigamy?: Two mothers-in-law.
Young Son: Is it true,
Dad, I heard that in parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until
he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
First guy: "My
wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine is still alive."
How do men define
marriage?: An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
Just think, if it
weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had
no faults at all.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word
you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said: "I never knew what real happiness
was until I got married; and then it was too late."
A little boy asked his father: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still
Why do women have
smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the stove.
Q. Why do women have
A: It gives them one extra reason to moan.
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my
wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman
who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Scientists have discovered
a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is called Wedding
Marriage is a 3 ring
circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffering.
Our last fight was my
fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God
created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God
created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Why do men die before
They want to.
A beggar walked up to
a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't
eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God,
I wish I had your willpower."
Young Son: "Is it
true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his
wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country,
A man inserted an advertisement
in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a
hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The most effective way
to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it-once.
Women will never be equal
to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are beautiful.
the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
Say, "Nice Dick."
Q: How many
'real men' does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: None, 'real men' aren't afraid of the dark!
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q: What is the quickest
way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Have a man walk in and tell the other patrons, "Nice dick!"
A husband is what's left
of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Q. How do you know when
it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; If you have a dick, it's not time.
Q: What do you call the
inanimate tissue around a vagina?
A: A woman!
We recently conducted
a poll as to whether men prefer women with large thighs or women with
thin thighs. The results were pretty surprising.
10% of those
men surveyed preferred women with large thighs.
of the men preferred women with thin thighs.
the other 80% preferred what's in-between
Q: Do you
know why doctors slap babies on the butt after they are born?
A: It knocks the dicks off of the dumb ones.
Q: Why don't
women need driver's licenses?
A: Because there's no roads between the kitchen and the bedroom.
from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts
from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric
when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken
outside by a large group of cowboys and had the shit kicked out of him.
Joe and Moe
went outside to take a leak and Joe confessed, "I wish I had one
like my cousin Junior. He needs four fingers to hold his."
Moe looked over and pointed out, "But you're holding yours with four
"I know," said Joe with a sigh, "but I'm pissing on three
From 20 to
30 if a man lives right, its once in the morning and twice at night.
From 30 to
40 if he still lives right, he missing a morning and sometimes a night.
From 40 to
50, its just now and then.
From 50 to
60, its heavens knows when.
From 60 to
70 he's slightly declined, but don't let him kid you, its STILL on his
to the Top
Male Decision-Making Process
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides
to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches
to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets
her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up
very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more
attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set
of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts she tells him that she has spent all the money
on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times
the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in
a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future
because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the
money, and then he. . . . . . . . .
Married the one with the biggest boobs!
Back to the Top
has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. Bases
loaded, two strikes, three balls. The pitch flies, the crowd goes wild,
and all I can see is her butt." -Howard, Dodge City, Kan.
"She was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast.
Called me controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat breakfast,
let alone what she'd have?" -Ted, Wexford, Pa.
"I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts. When she's cold
she wears my wool socks to bed, not her own. She steals my half-used razors;
new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I'm tempted to switch
to briefs just to see what she'd do." -Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass.
"When she gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping her. And
no rest for anyone until it's done. It's not so bad when the idea is to
bake cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when it's to build a new
house, or to get pregnant, things get pretty intense." -Jim, Minneapolis
"My wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals, she
asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if they know that their pork
chops used to be smarter than their dogs." -Miles, Shreveport,
"It annoys her that our children look like me." -James, New
Back to the Top
"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my
outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult
"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have
moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational
thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making
"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already
on the table?"
"It would take too long to explain," REALLY MEANS, "I have
no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The
batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate
excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard," REALLY MEANS,
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love," REALLY
MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me," REALLY MEANS, "You want me
to stay awake."
"It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns,
knives, fast cars, and naked women."
"You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember
the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the
first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've
ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses," REALLY
MEANS, "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, wearing
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY
MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before
I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw
a dirty towel near the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing," REALLY MEANS, "I
sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you
catch me doing?"
"She's one of the rabid feminists," REALLY MEANS, "She
refused to make my coffee."
"I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue
what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well
enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please
don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present," REALLY MEANS, "It was free ice
scraper night at the ball/hockey game."
"I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer,
the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No
one will ever see us alive again."
"This relationship is getting too serious," REALLY MEANS, "I
like you as much as I like my truck."
"We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes.
She cleans them up."
"I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I
am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
Back to the Top
What color is it now?
fat guy got out of the shower at the health club. A second guy said, "Gee,
The fat man said, "Yeah."
The second man asked, "How long has it been since you've seen your
The fat man answered, "Long time."
The second man asked, "Why don't you diet?"
The fat man replied, "Why? What color is it now?"
Back to the Top
Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed or beaten
by his fellow partygoers.
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save his master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' car
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying
e. When his date is using her teeth
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
of jail within 12 hours.
If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever, unless you actually marry her.
The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late
is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes. For a girl, you have
to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic
Bitching about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is forbidden.
Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your buddies birthday is optional.
When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning
on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and
let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem -- you didn't see nothin'.
Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated
as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability
to drink as much beer as the other sports watchers.
You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's
cat, even if it was you who secretly threw it into a ceiling fan.
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both. That's just plain mean.
Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both
urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost
imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able
to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.
The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend"
have had carnal drunken rampant sex, the fact that you're feeling weird
and guilty is no reason not to do it again before the discussion about
what a big mistake it was.
to the Top
Man's Perfect Breakfast
He's sitting at the table.
His son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
His mistress is on the cover of Playboy
And his wife is on the back of the milk carton
to the Top
To Crap Like A Man
1. Select reading material.
2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?"
Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.
3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.
4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the
5. Open reading material and relax.
6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.
7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience
a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb.
This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.
8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs
9. Rise and look at the crap. Make mental notes of irregularities to report
to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. color, consistency, any visible traces
of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.
10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper
before throwing it into the bowl.
*Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of feces on the
11. Flush. If there is any residue left on the bowl, under no circumstances
attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or,
when your girlfriend/wife next uses the toilet.
12. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can
use it again later).
13. Wash your hands once.
14. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's
self-esteem that other people smell his produce.
Back to the Top
Rape Drug Warning
Be on the
lookout! Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers, and unsuspecting
pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any
woman. A date rape drug on the market, called "beer", is used
by females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is found in liquid form,
and is now available almost anywhere.
is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their
male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs
only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and
then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered
helpless against this approach.
"beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual
acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking "beer", men often awaken with only hazy memories
of exactly what happened the night before...usually with a vague feeling
that something bad occurred.
times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings in
a familiar scam known as "a relationship". Apparently men are
much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered
and sex is offered by the predatory female. Please! Forward this warning
to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious
"beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male
support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details
of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly
affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look
up "golf courses" in the yellow pages.
to the Top
1. A big,
juicy worm always gets a fish excited.
2. You don't have to eat a fish while it's still flopping around.
3. You can go in the bush anytime you want.
4. Stroking your rod won't piss off a trout.
5. Sipping a beer and scratching your balls is all the foreplay expected
6. Anything you stick in a fish's face, it eats.
7. A fish will never gag, choke, or come up for air.
8. Two hours of complete silence.(ok, a 2 hour blowjob will achieve the
same thing... But then you will owe her a diamond the size of a small
9. You wear rubbers on your feet, not on your dick.
10. If you want a bigger pole, you can have a bigger pole.
11. A smart fish knows when to keep it's mouth shut.
12. It's okay to cook a fish to make it taste good.
13. Fish bite for a guy of 60, same as they do for a guy of 20.
14. You're never called a jerk when you throw back an ugly fish.
15. Fish are real happy when you pick up your gear and go home.
16. You generally can go home with a dozen fish before anyone says anything.
17. The fish will usually nibble gently on your worm before they engulf
it entirely in their mouth.
18. If you pull out too quickly, all that happens is that you have a happy
19. A fish doesn't care how big your rod is.
to the Top
do Women Really Want
Young King Arthur was
ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch
could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So
he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.
Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he
still had no answer, he would be killed.
The question was: What
do women really want?
Such a question would
perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed
an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted
the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom
and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests,
the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no
one could give him a satisfactory answer.
What most people did
tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer.
The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom
for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year
arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed
to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first:
The old witch wanted
to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and
Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified:
she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like
sewage water, often made obscene noises...He had never run across such
a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and
have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning
of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big
of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round
Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's
What a woman really wants
is to be able to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew
that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would
be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life
and granted him total freedom.
What a wedding Gawain
and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain
was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst
manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made
The wedding night approached:
Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What
a sight awaited!
The most beautiful woman
he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had
The beauty replied that
since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time
she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would
be her beautiful maiden self.
Which would he want her
to be during the day and which during the night?
What a cruel question?
Gawain began to think of his predicament:
During the day a beautiful
woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his
home, an old spooky witch?
Or would he prefer having
by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate
What would you do?
What Gawain chose follows
below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.
Make your choice before
Noble Gawain replied
that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced
that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her
and had let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of
IT DOESN'T MATTER
IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY, UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL A WITCH
to the Top
How to Piss Off A Woman
Tie her to
the bed, describe all the erotic things you plan to do... Then go bowling.
Ask her how
she prepared a meal. If she wants to know why you want to know, say "So
I don't make the same mistakes."
YOU have a headache, but you're willing to suffer with it through sex
just to please her.
having an orgasm while dining out.
own orgasm while dining out.
you've applied for the position of blowjob inspector at the nearest whorehouse.
tell her the doctor assured you it isn't contagious. Then faint.
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a Man Doesn't Appreciate Hearing
MAN DOESN'T APPRECIATE BEING SAID WHEN A WOMAN IS LOOKING AT HIM NAKED:
1. I've smoked
fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, It's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it.
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no ... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
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Q. What do
you call it if you have nuts on your walls?
A. Wall Nuts?
Q. Right! What do you call it if you have nuts on your chest?
A. Chest Nuts?
Q. Right! What do you call it if you have nuts on your chin?
A. Chin nuts?
A. No Babe. It's a blow job!
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(...taken from Maxim?)
This is it.
So it has been written, so it shall be....The CODE
1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolate.
no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
3. Any man
who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten
by his fellow partygoers.
4. When you
are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink,
dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide
any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted
to deny his very existence.
he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out
of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may
exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination;
beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception:
When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to
7. If you've
known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
8. The minimum
amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is
5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point
of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You
may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man
is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even
remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to
hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your
good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden
to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission
and he in return is required to grant it.
who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a
buffalo wing clean.
14. If a
man's zipper is down, that's his problem--you didn't see nothin'.
15. The universal
compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
16. A man
must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny friend up with
your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn
your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
19. It is
permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on
a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and
you're in prison, never fight naked.
21. A man
in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober
enough to fight.
22. If a
buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump
into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have
caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin",
then you may sit back and enjoy.
that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not
both. That's just plain mean.
25. If you
compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding
sex pending your response.
talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both
urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all
the conversation you need.
28. If a
buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join
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For A Day
Top 10 things
a man would do if he woke up with a vagina for a day
go shopping for a huge cucumber and zucchini.
over a hand held mirror for 2 hours.
3. See if
he could actually do the splits.
4. See if
it's possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
his legs with out rearranging
6. Get picked
up at a bar in less than 10 minutes before closing time.
7. Have multiple
orgasms and still be ready for more, without taking a nap first.
8. Go to
a gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
9. Sit on
the edge of the bed and pray for breasts.
find that damned G-spot!!!
Things Men Know for Sure About Women
10. They have breasts.
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Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House
1. If you
can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's
an improved screwdriver.
2. Try to
work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both
helpful in home repair... but only if you are working alone.
4. Work in
the kitchen whenever you can... many fine tools are there, its warm and
dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
5. If it's
electronic, get a new one.
6. Keep it
simple: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is
empty; try turning it to the "on" switch; or just paint over
take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking
it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have fixed it.
of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.
9. If something
looks level, it is level.
all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.
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not saying she's easy but...
on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
She's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.
She's responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.
She's been boarded more times than Amtrak.
She's been mounted more often than Trigger.
She's been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins.
She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope.
She's been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.
She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube.
She's spent more time under men than barstools.
She's seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.
I'm a Man
a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after
hypothermia has set in.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another
man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able
to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything,
I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup
take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never
as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at
the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items
like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are
the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick
up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
(F.Y.I. guys - cumin is a spice.)
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist
on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice
as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole
show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding
Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't
think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete
stranger? I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The answer is always either sex, cars, beer, or football. I have to make
up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother
come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more
than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't
need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances
are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes
is fine. With the belt or without it---looks fine.. Your hair is fine.
You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2003, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening,
the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand
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