Marriage Humor II

Marriage and Relationship Humor I


"Marriage teaches you loyalty, patience, understanding, perseverance, and a lot of other things you wouldn't need if you'd stayed single!"
  For just plain Gender-based Humor, go to our Battle of the Sexes page

For these books on Relationship humor, go to

Dave Barry's Guide to Marriage and/or Sex 31 Days to Ruin Your Relationship Awfully Wedded: Tales of Disaster from the Big Day Couplehood by Paul Reiser
Happily Ever After: The Wit and Wisdom of Marriage Great Moments in Sex For Better or for Worse: The Best Quotes about Marriage I Love Her, But...
When to keep quiet
What NOT to say...
Sadie and Morris
A Husband's checkup
Coming Home Late
A Little Valentine's Dialog
His Lordship has a Stiffy
Why Thank You, Dear
The Final Decree
Die! Die, You Son of a Bitch!
Pinching on a Crowded Elevator
Pierre and Marie
Famous Quotes on Marriage and Spouses 6/12
Eve Gets a Companion
Love and Marriage One-Liners
Barbie Dolls
In a Coma
A letter from 'Mom'
A Case for Capital Punishment
So What Did You Do Today?


When to keep quiet...

A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. They rocked slowly and in rhythm as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments together, and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.

Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins. His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, "What'd you do that fer?"

"That's fer fifty years of bad sex," she said.

He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins.

As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, "What was that fer?""

That," said her husband as he began to rock again, "is fer knowin' the difference."
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What NOT to say...

A guy wakes up in hospital with severe head injuries and the nurse says what happened to you then? Well, he says, I was playing golf yesterday with my wife and we teed off at the 2nd hole. I hit a beautiful drive 280 yards down the middle of the fairway. My wife teed off and she sliced the ball into a field full of cows. We searched for several minutes and then I lifted up the tail of one of the cows and spotted the ball lodged up it's ass. All I said was "this looks like yours dear" and that's the last thing I remember.
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Third time's a charm

A woman, getting married for the fourth time, tells the pastor she intends to wear white.

"You can't wear white," the pastor says. "You're not a virgin. You've been married three times already."

"Of course I can, I'm a virgin," says the bride.

"Impossible!" says the pastor.

"Unfortunately not," she says. "My first husband was a gynecologist, and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My third husband was a stamp collector. Oh God, do I ever I miss him!"
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Sadie and Morris

Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been a good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've been by your side for forty five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"

Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!"

"If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!" So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?"

"No not yet."

Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now? Should I moan now?"

"No, I'll tell you when." He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse.

"Is it time for me to moan, Morris?"

"Wait, I'll tell you when."

Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"

"OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had!"
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A Husband's Check-Up

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is suffering from severe, long term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband will surely die:

First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.

Second, at lunchtime, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.

Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.

Fourth, and most important, for invigorating him and relieving stress, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed."

On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked, "So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did he tell you?"

"You're going to die," she replied.
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Pierre and Marie

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?", asks the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears open her blouse, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her panties, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, she throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
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Famous Quotes on Marriage and Spouses

"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with." --Author Unnamed

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. -- Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. -- Bill Cosby

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -- Rita Rudner

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. --Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds -- Cindy Garner

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. -- Elaine Boosler

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." - Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. --Rita Rudner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. -- Erma Bombeck

"Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her." --Ambrose Bierce's DEVIL'S DICTIONARY

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One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God...

"Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well.....He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

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Love and Marriage One-Liners

bullet You know the honeymoon is over when your wife says, "If I'm asleep when you get through, pull my nightgown down."
bullet Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
bullet At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
bullet After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
bullet A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted." Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
bullet The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
bullet When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
bullet Sixty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
bullet Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
bullet A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know yet son, I'm still paying."
bullet Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
bullet Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
bullet A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire."
bullet The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
bullet Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
bullet If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
bullet Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
bullet You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
bullet Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
bullet Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
bullet My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
bullet How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
bullet The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
bullet First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
bullet Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
bullet "Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?" the suspicious wife sneered.
"No, I can't," the husband replied. "I distinctly remember taking my shirt off."
bullet Man: "I have seen you looking at me all night and I know I make you think of sex."
Woman: "Yeah, 'cause you look like a prick."
bullet My ex-wife was so cold that when you spread her legs a little white light came on!
bullet Q. How is a woman like a condom?
A. Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on
your dick!
bullet Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or any physical sport?" 
"No. I play bridge with my wife."
bullet My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead!
bullet Q: What's the best thing about a blowjob?
A: 10 minutes of peace and quiet.
bullet Q: What's the difference between husbands and prisoners?
A: Prisoners complain behind bars. Husbands complain in them.
bullet Man to wife: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I've been giving you?
Wife: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
bullet What's the best part of a blow-job when you're married?
The few minutes of silence.
bullet A man and his wife are watching the boxing on TV. The husband sighs and says, "I'm disappointed. It was all over in four minutes!"
The wife replies, "Good. Now you know how I feel."
bullet Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife would say, "And just what is THAT supposed to mean?"

Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.

bullet A couple is in their bedroom. The man says, "Tonight I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
She responds, "I'll miss you."
bullet "My wife is the most suspicious person in the world," complained the harried husband to a sympathetic friend. "If I come home early, she thinks I'm after something. And if I come home late, she thinks I've already had it."
bullet We know a fellow who upon being told by his shrewish wife that she would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea.
bullet When the browbeater learned her husband had taken a mistress, she demanded, "Does this mean that you've had enough of me?"
"No, my dear," he coolly replied. "It means that I haven't had enough of you."
bullet Martin was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he sent his wife her alimony payment each month. When asked the reason for his haste, he shivered and explained: "I'm afraid that if I should ever fall behind in my payments she might decide to repossess me."
bullet Thomas Gladstone, a stockbroker, received an urgent phone call one afternoon. "My name is Walters," the caller announced. "About two weeks ago, my wife got a crazy idea and started walking the street, asking me to procure customers for her."

"Just a minute," Gladstone protested. "You want Dr. Gladstone the psychiatrist. His name is right below mine in the phone book. Many people dial me by mistake."

"No mistake," came the reply. "I want you to invest all the money we're making."

bullet A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the young couple next door and said, "Do you see those two? How devoted they are? He kisses his young bride every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."
bullet Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
bullet While my wife and I were shopping at a mall kiosk, a shapely young woman in a short, short skirt strolled by. My eyes involuntarily followed her as she walked.

Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, "Was that worth the trouble you're in now?"

bullet Two drunks were in a tavern sitting at the bar and staring into their drinks.

One got a curious look on his face and asked, "Hey, Pete! You ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"

Pete replied "Yep. I was married to one for fifteen years."

bullet It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead...
bullet Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
bullet Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : No, because you make me sick.
bullet "My wife is the most suspicious person in the world," complained the harried husband to a sympathetic friend. "If I come home early, she thinks I'm after something. And if I come home late, she thinks I've already had it."
bullet We know a fellow who upon being told by his shrewish wife that she would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea.
bullet Husband: "Put your coat on love, I'm going to the bar."
Wife: "Are you taking me out for a drink?"
Husband: "Don't be silly woman. I'm turning the heat off."
bullet When the browbeater learned her husband had taken a mistress, she demanded, "Does this mean that you've had enough of me?"

"No, my dear," he coolly replied. "It means that I haven't had enough of you."

bullet Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry it!

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Barbie Dolls

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall, ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have
'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95...
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95
and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00".

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95? Dad asked surprised.

The manager was quick to point out that "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

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In a Coma...

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he came to, and motioned for her to come closer.

As she sat right next to him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.

You know what?"

"Dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."
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Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed." She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.

She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer.

She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair.

She signed and stamped a birthday card for a friend, addressed the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.

Mom then creamed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails. Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed." "I'm on my way," she said.  She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.

In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.

About that time, hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular, "I'm going to bed." And he did.
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Coming Home Late

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?'....and she's always sound asleep."
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A letter from 'Mom'

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that?

I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I made it 'risk."
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A Little Valentine's Dialog

A primer for any couple should be the book MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS. It explains that men and women are from different planets. For example: women like to verbalize their feelings on relationships. It's difficult for a man to even admit he's in a relationship.

"Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked Becky.

"Mmm hmm." replied Dave.

"Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Oh Dave," gushed Becky, "you say the most beautiful things!"
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His Lordship has a Stiffy

His Lordship awoke with an all too infrequent feeling of virility and joyfully announced his condition to his valet.

Impressed, the servant asked, "Shall I notify M'lady?"

"No, just hand me my baggy tweeds," replied his Lordship. "I shall smuggle this one into town."
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Why Thank You, Dear

Bob was sitting at the table one morning, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known for his lack of IQ.

He turned to his wife and said, "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

She replied, "Why thank you, dear!"
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A Case for Capital Punishment

Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course.

The public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.

"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."

"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
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The Final Decree

It was a bitterly contested divorce hearing, and after three weeks of bitter acrimony, the judge was ready to hand down his decision.

The judge said, "Mr. Johnson, after hearing both sides of the case, we find that you are at fault, and therefore the court will give your wife alimony at six hundred dollars a month."

Johnson replied, "Thanks, your Honor. And to show I'm not such a bad guy, I'll throw in a hundred myself."
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So What Did You Do Today

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"


"Well, today I didn't do it!"
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Die! Die, You Son of a Bitch!

"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.

"Has she started to neglect you?"

"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, and she keeps the kids out of my hair.

She even lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex, or says she has a headache."

"So what's the problem?"

"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! Die, you son of a bitch!'"
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Pinching on a Crowded Elevator

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"

Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."

"Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did."

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