"Marriage teaches you loyalty, patience, understanding, perseverance, and a lot of other things you wouldn't need if you'd stayed single!"
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A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. They rocked slowly and in rhythm as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments together, and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.
Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins. His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, "What'd you do that fer?"
"That's fer fifty years of bad sex," she said.
He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins.
As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, "What was that fer?""
said her husband as he began to rock again, "is fer knowin' the difference."
wakes up in hospital with severe head injuries and the nurse says what
happened to you then? Well, he says, I was playing golf yesterday with
my wife and we teed off at the 2nd hole. I hit a beautiful drive 280 yards
down the middle of the fairway. My wife teed off and she sliced the ball
into a field full of cows. We searched for several minutes and then I
lifted up the tail of one of the cows and spotted the ball lodged up it's
ass. All I said was "this looks like yours dear" and that's
the last thing I remember.
A woman, getting married for the fourth time, tells the pastor she intends to wear white.
"You can't wear white," the pastor says. "You're not a virgin. You've been married three times already."
"Of course I can, I'm a virgin," says the bride.
"Impossible!" says the pastor.
not," she says. "My first husband was a gynecologist, and all
he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychologist,
and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My third husband was a stamp
collector. Oh God, do I ever I miss him!"
Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been a good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've been by your side for forty five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"
Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!"
"If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!" So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?"
"No not yet."
Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now? Should I moan now?"
"No, I'll tell you when." He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse.
"Is it time for me to moan, Morris?"
"Wait, I'll tell you when."
Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"
You wouldn't believe what a day I had!"
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is suffering from severe, long term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband will surely die:
First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
Second, at lunchtime, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.
Fourth, and most important, for invigorating him and relieving stress, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed."
On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked, "So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did he tell you?"
going to die," she replied.
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?", asks the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears open her blouse, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her panties, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, she throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot!
When I go down, I go down in flames!"
"Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness
behind her." --Ambrose Bierce's DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
I have a problem!"
was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday
and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall, ran to the toy
store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie
in the window?"
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, he came to, and motioned for her to come closer.
As she sat right next to him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what?"
"Dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
think you're bad luck."
Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed." She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.
She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer.
She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair.
She signed and stamped a birthday card for a friend, addressed the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.
Mom then creamed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails. Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed." "I'm on my way," she said. She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.
In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.
About that time, hubby
turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular, "I'm going
to bed." And he did.
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at
him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.
I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw
my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass
and say, 'How about a blowjob?'....and she's always sound asleep."
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.
"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that?
I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"
"Er, yes, I did,"
said the husband. "But I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I made
A primer for any couple should be the book MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS. It explains that men and women are from different planets. For example: women like to verbalize their feelings on relationships. It's difficult for a man to even admit he's in a relationship.
"Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked Becky.
"Mmm hmm." replied Dave.
"Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?"
"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?"
gushed Becky, "you say the most beautiful things!"
His Lordship awoke with an all too infrequent feeling of virility and joyfully announced his condition to his valet.
Impressed, the servant asked, "Shall I notify M'lady?"
"No, just hand
me my baggy tweeds," replied his Lordship. "I shall smuggle
this one into town."
Bob was sitting at the table one morning, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known for his lack of IQ.
He turned to his wife and said, "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
"Why thank you, dear!"
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course.
The public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I guess I could be wrong about capital
punishment after all."
It was a bitterly contested divorce hearing, and after three weeks of bitter acrimony, the judge was ready to hand down his decision.
The judge said, "Mr. Johnson, after hearing both sides of the case, we find that you are at fault, and therefore the court will give your wife alimony at six hundred dollars a month."
"Thanks, your Honor. And to show I'm not such a bad guy, I'll throw
in a hundred myself."
One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.
He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her.
He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"
today I didn't do it!"
"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.
"Has she started to neglect you?"
"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, and she keeps the kids out of my hair.
She even lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex, or says she has a headache."
"So what's the problem?"
I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, but at night,
when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers,
'Die! Die, you son of a bitch!'"
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."